Sunday, February 22, 2004
Detached Musing Into the Dark
Listening to Ayumi Hamazaki's Seasons. That song always manages to strike a chord within me. Probably cos I used to listen to it on a regular basis 2, or was it 3, years ago?
Time seems to fly. I remember myself, still such a naive girl. Sometimes I think I was a fool back then. Still am now, but less maybe. Maybe...
Certain songs always stir a strange emotion within me. Like the aforementioned Seasons. And also Utada Hikaru's Can You Keep A Secret?. I used to love those two songs. SMAP's LionHeart is an old favorite too. Notice I didn't mention BoA. That's cos I only knew about her last year so well...
I like First Love too. It's a cool song. I guess I'm proving that I not only listen to BoA. Although my focus seems to be firmly on jpop haha. Kpop, I only love BoA. And also KangTa. ^_^ And Fany's cute. Ok I'm weird lol. I think I like S.E.S too. Well sorta anyway. I have some measure of prejudice against Shinhwa, but well, I think it's the boybands-suck syndrome at work. Dun tell the peeps at school that I'm prejudiced against Westlife. They'll probably crucify me. Especially...you-know-who ^__^;;;
I dunno why I love jpop so much. I mean, I got into jpop even before I knew who BoA was. I think it started around my sec 1 days. I was willing to experiment with new sounds then, and was sick and tired of everyone's love of mainstream english pop. I guess falling in love with jpop is radical enough. I always liked Utada Hikaru and Ayumi the best. Dunno why. I knew that I downloaded a fair number of songs by Ayumi then. The only song I knew about from Hikki was Can You Keep A Secret hehe. Now I'm less of a bumpkin and can actually find more haha.
I remember listening to Seasons while glued to the screen reading Harry Potter fanfics. Hehe. That's why every time Seasons come on my winamp playlist, I get this weird tingle and a strange compulsion to run back to those boards to read again. Practised reflex action I guess. Lol now why am I dragging biology into this? Weird me.
Really. I feel like going back to those boards again. And for some strange reason, my heart is aching deep within. Memories. I remember crying once when Seasons was playing. Can't remember why I cried. I only remember that I did. Odd how I can remember one thing but forget the rest of it.
I feel like watching Food Fight again. I believe I've said this before. I dunno why. I suppose I just wanna feel that pain again. It's odd. I feel so detached now. Like I'm drifting off into my own world, my alternate reality. So cold. I can't feel. So numb. All blank, just...watching, waiting. Looking, but not really seeing. Sometimes I think there are hidden meanings to a lot of things. But no one else notices. Why can't they see? Why can't they listen to that quiet whisper? Why won't they stop for a moment to understand. All they do is hurry hurry hurry. Driven by some unseen force. And here I am, caught up in the rush, bemused, cold, unseeing, unfeeling.
Where was that old poem? That one entitled Unseeing? I remember...I wrote it. And once again I reach out imploringly, skeletal hands begging, pleading for release, for redemption.
Perhaps my mind and heart are too chilled to be revived. The vivacious shell is all that it is: a shell. Nothing more, nothing less. Perhaps I'm nothing. Just an insignificant speck of dust in this wide world. Another replaceable...thing. Just an object. A worthless thing. Another ornament.
I hear voices. So many voices. Some ethereal, some loud and clear on this plane of existence. And I feel so far away suddenly. I hear this stranger yelling at me. Was he my father? Or...
I don't care anymore. The words, angrily shouted, pummel me. Instead of being afraid, shaken, I was indifferent. My face, blank and unseeing. Dead. A cold mask. Dull eyes.
My heart didn't respond even to the shouts. It just...went...on. Slowly, steadily. Ignoring all outside stimulus to get it to palpitate more rapidly in either fear, excitement, or even anger. So dark. So cold. So...unfeeling.
This...this was familiar. I was preparing for the last stand. Once again. No weakness must be showed, especially to the enemy. Weakness is to be exploited. And that is why, the walls must come back up. Dispassionate. Unyielding. If they think they were going to break me, think again. I will not go down without a fight. Even if you can make me weep, the inside doesn't weep. The core is already tainted with a murky darkness. All else is an illusion. My whole being is already a lie. I've been lying since the first time I smiled and said, "I'm all right, I'm always alright."
Truth. Lies. Illusion. Reality. Darkness. Light. Fear. Courage. Weakness. Strength. Fire. Ice. Alone...
And suddenly I feel that it is time for me to get up and face the snarling demons. That shouldn't be too bad. The real battle is against my own inner demons. And to tell the truth, I was too weary to fight against those. I would willingly sink into the infernal abyss and accept the embrace of darkness, if just for a chance to rest.
And I will not regret. Regardless of the countless whispers that I would regret it. I will not regret. Oh you who sired me, how much do you know of your own flesh and blood? Foolish one, I will not regret. Nor would I shed a single tear when you pass on. My heart is dead within me. Regret would serve no purpose, nor grief. Those two would only serve to cripple me.
And alas, it is time to stop. Maybe, I will return. Or maybe....
Time will tell. It will reveal all, as it always does.
May the darkness cloak you in your future ventures...
]
Time seems to fly. I remember myself, still such a naive girl. Sometimes I think I was a fool back then. Still am now, but less maybe. Maybe...
Certain songs always stir a strange emotion within me. Like the aforementioned Seasons. And also Utada Hikaru's Can You Keep A Secret?. I used to love those two songs. SMAP's LionHeart is an old favorite too. Notice I didn't mention BoA. That's cos I only knew about her last year so well...
I like First Love too. It's a cool song. I guess I'm proving that I not only listen to BoA. Although my focus seems to be firmly on jpop haha. Kpop, I only love BoA. And also KangTa. ^_^ And Fany's cute. Ok I'm weird lol. I think I like S.E.S too. Well sorta anyway. I have some measure of prejudice against Shinhwa, but well, I think it's the boybands-suck syndrome at work. Dun tell the peeps at school that I'm prejudiced against Westlife. They'll probably crucify me. Especially...you-know-who ^__^;;;
I dunno why I love jpop so much. I mean, I got into jpop even before I knew who BoA was. I think it started around my sec 1 days. I was willing to experiment with new sounds then, and was sick and tired of everyone's love of mainstream english pop. I guess falling in love with jpop is radical enough. I always liked Utada Hikaru and Ayumi the best. Dunno why. I knew that I downloaded a fair number of songs by Ayumi then. The only song I knew about from Hikki was Can You Keep A Secret hehe. Now I'm less of a bumpkin and can actually find more haha.
I remember listening to Seasons while glued to the screen reading Harry Potter fanfics. Hehe. That's why every time Seasons come on my winamp playlist, I get this weird tingle and a strange compulsion to run back to those boards to read again. Practised reflex action I guess. Lol now why am I dragging biology into this? Weird me.
Really. I feel like going back to those boards again. And for some strange reason, my heart is aching deep within. Memories. I remember crying once when Seasons was playing. Can't remember why I cried. I only remember that I did. Odd how I can remember one thing but forget the rest of it.
I feel like watching Food Fight again. I believe I've said this before. I dunno why. I suppose I just wanna feel that pain again. It's odd. I feel so detached now. Like I'm drifting off into my own world, my alternate reality. So cold. I can't feel. So numb. All blank, just...watching, waiting. Looking, but not really seeing. Sometimes I think there are hidden meanings to a lot of things. But no one else notices. Why can't they see? Why can't they listen to that quiet whisper? Why won't they stop for a moment to understand. All they do is hurry hurry hurry. Driven by some unseen force. And here I am, caught up in the rush, bemused, cold, unseeing, unfeeling.
Where was that old poem? That one entitled Unseeing? I remember...I wrote it. And once again I reach out imploringly, skeletal hands begging, pleading for release, for redemption.
Perhaps my mind and heart are too chilled to be revived. The vivacious shell is all that it is: a shell. Nothing more, nothing less. Perhaps I'm nothing. Just an insignificant speck of dust in this wide world. Another replaceable...thing. Just an object. A worthless thing. Another ornament.
I hear voices. So many voices. Some ethereal, some loud and clear on this plane of existence. And I feel so far away suddenly. I hear this stranger yelling at me. Was he my father? Or...
I don't care anymore. The words, angrily shouted, pummel me. Instead of being afraid, shaken, I was indifferent. My face, blank and unseeing. Dead. A cold mask. Dull eyes.
My heart didn't respond even to the shouts. It just...went...on. Slowly, steadily. Ignoring all outside stimulus to get it to palpitate more rapidly in either fear, excitement, or even anger. So dark. So cold. So...unfeeling.
This...this was familiar. I was preparing for the last stand. Once again. No weakness must be showed, especially to the enemy. Weakness is to be exploited. And that is why, the walls must come back up. Dispassionate. Unyielding. If they think they were going to break me, think again. I will not go down without a fight. Even if you can make me weep, the inside doesn't weep. The core is already tainted with a murky darkness. All else is an illusion. My whole being is already a lie. I've been lying since the first time I smiled and said, "I'm all right, I'm always alright."
Truth. Lies. Illusion. Reality. Darkness. Light. Fear. Courage. Weakness. Strength. Fire. Ice. Alone...
And suddenly I feel that it is time for me to get up and face the snarling demons. That shouldn't be too bad. The real battle is against my own inner demons. And to tell the truth, I was too weary to fight against those. I would willingly sink into the infernal abyss and accept the embrace of darkness, if just for a chance to rest.
And I will not regret. Regardless of the countless whispers that I would regret it. I will not regret. Oh you who sired me, how much do you know of your own flesh and blood? Foolish one, I will not regret. Nor would I shed a single tear when you pass on. My heart is dead within me. Regret would serve no purpose, nor grief. Those two would only serve to cripple me.
And alas, it is time to stop. Maybe, I will return. Or maybe....
Time will tell. It will reveal all, as it always does.
May the darkness cloak you in your future ventures...
