Sunday, January 29, 2006
It's a crazy little world.
I was watching a BoA video (duh), one of the Dakishimeru performances.
Normally, I would feel very happy just looking at it, but for some reason watching her perform made a sad pang go off in my heart.
How much of that dazzling smile is real? I saw her forehead crease momentarily, as if she was in pain. It was a blink-and-you-miss-it detail, and seeing it made me sad.
The way her face seems to contract in upon herself when she thinks the camera is not on her (it was, unfortunately), it wounds an ardent fan like myself.
Some might feel it silly to be so affected by someone who doesn't even know about your existence. Perhaps it is. Perhaps it's foolish to devote time and affection to a distant figure who probably will never know who the heck you are.
I always wondered why I liked BoA so much. Sure, I can come up with a thousand and one reasons why I love her now, but why did I even like anybody to begin with? I have never really been a fan of anybody prior to BoA. I liked certain songs and admired certain artistes, but never fell head over heels for one the way I did for BoA.
Was it a fad? I mean, not the kind that everybody follows in mainstream society. It's for me to answer the "who's your favorite singer" question. I always wondered if that played a part in my subconsciousness when accepting BoA as the light of my teeny weeny little life.
Yeah so that was a little cynical.
A little?
Fine, very cynical. What does it matter? Indeed, does anything matter?
Touche.
Anyway, getting back to the point. I have a less than delightful theory to explain this...obsession of mine.
As a lot of people who know me might know, I enjoy reading and playing computer games. And for people who know me even better, they would know that when I'm absorbed in one of those activities, I'm completely dead to the world. It's like being enclosed in a tiny little bubble where I just focus on that one thing.
Why do I do that? Single-mindedness I suppose. That's the nice explanation, naturally.
The not-so-nice one, and probably the main reason, is that I just wanted to escape from the real world for a while. I wrap myself up in my activity and just ignore everything.
Running away is my forte.
How well I know that.
Heh. Chaos knows even better than me. He's watching. All the time.
Kid, you gotta spruce up one of this days.
Coming from you? *arches eyebrow* Now that's a shocker.
Hey I'm not that bad. I'm just...uh...just...chaotic?
Lame, Chaos. Very lame. Is that the best you can do?
......just so you know, I actually do care about you...from time to time.
Oh I'm so relieved. *sarcastic*
So why do I like BoA so much? Why do I obsess over her? Why her of all people?
If you still haven't figured it out by now, well, the only thing I can say is this: "How slow can you get?"
No offense to slow people.
The above statement is obviously a lie. Since when did she care about offending the intellectually deprived?
Whatever Chaos. Stop stating the obvious.
Ha! See!
Meh. So immature.
My obsession with BoA is a form of escape really. Just drowning myself in her gives me something to think about other than the whole meaningless existence that is my life. I just needed something, someone, to distract me from the harsh reality.
Escapism might be cowardly, but it sure helps get you through to the next day.
Even though it might make the next day even worse.
I keep having this vague feeling that everything I'm doing (school, BoA, playing, living) are just distractions. They feel so...meaningless at times to me.
The only thing that means anything to me is writing, and even then I can never focus enough to do it. Too many distractions, and the ills of life isn't making things any better.
........
*silence*
......Chaos, it's your line.
Oh really? What did you want me to......oh. I guess it really applies to you huh?
Just shut up and say it.
Fine. Chaos needs order to exist. Without stability, there can be no chaos.
Ironic. It's so ironic I wanna laugh. And then maybe break down in bitter tears a few minutes later.
I need stability. I don't want distractions. I need order and calm in my life.
Double irony.
Chaos is what got me this far. Chaos made me the person I am. And I'm not referring to that annoying guest in my head. I mean all the problems that have cropped up in my life thus far.
I would never have matured as a writer without all the trials and tribulations that I have gone through. Now that I wish to focus on writing, I don't have the peace I need to carry it out.
Yet it is also that internal chaos that spurs me on, drives me, and whips me to lift my writing to greater emotional heights. My internal struggle gives me my flair and inspiration.
Should I experience peace, such as the time where I turned to religion, I could no longer write. The driving force was gone. The inner spark caused by all that painful friction in my mind and soul was extinguished.
The only way to get a spark is to strike two objects together. This very act of friction causes the spark that ignites the flame.
I desire inner peace. Yet at the same time I abhor it.
To lose my inspiration is anathema to me. I would sooner gouge out my eyes than give that up.
Yet I so desperately want calm and stability in my life. I want someone to comfort me, make sure that I was alright. I needed things to be smooth-going, at least marginally.
But I can only have one at a time. I can't have both of those at the same time. Their existences clash and contradict with each other.
The only way for me to achieve inner harmony is to abandon my gift and embrace the peace of God.
I could never do that. My gift, if that is the correct word, is everything to me. It is my life. Taking it away is worse than just killing me. If my gift of writing was gone, then what good am I? What could I contribute to this world? I would be no more than a walking corpse, like so many others on this lump of dirt known as Earth. I would be waste of oxygen and resources. I would be nothing, no, less than nothing.
A gift? More like a curse.
Yet it is a curse I embrace, even though it denies me entry to heaven.
I know all this about me. Yet I can do nothing.
Oh my Father in heaven, why art thou doing this to me?
Quote:
The most important lesson of my life was to know how stupid I am.
]
I was watching a BoA video (duh), one of the Dakishimeru performances.
Normally, I would feel very happy just looking at it, but for some reason watching her perform made a sad pang go off in my heart.
How much of that dazzling smile is real? I saw her forehead crease momentarily, as if she was in pain. It was a blink-and-you-miss-it detail, and seeing it made me sad.
The way her face seems to contract in upon herself when she thinks the camera is not on her (it was, unfortunately), it wounds an ardent fan like myself.
Some might feel it silly to be so affected by someone who doesn't even know about your existence. Perhaps it is. Perhaps it's foolish to devote time and affection to a distant figure who probably will never know who the heck you are.
I always wondered why I liked BoA so much. Sure, I can come up with a thousand and one reasons why I love her now, but why did I even like anybody to begin with? I have never really been a fan of anybody prior to BoA. I liked certain songs and admired certain artistes, but never fell head over heels for one the way I did for BoA.
Was it a fad? I mean, not the kind that everybody follows in mainstream society. It's for me to answer the "who's your favorite singer" question. I always wondered if that played a part in my subconsciousness when accepting BoA as the light of my teeny weeny little life.
Yeah so that was a little cynical.
A little?
Fine, very cynical. What does it matter? Indeed, does anything matter?
Touche.
Anyway, getting back to the point. I have a less than delightful theory to explain this...obsession of mine.
As a lot of people who know me might know, I enjoy reading and playing computer games. And for people who know me even better, they would know that when I'm absorbed in one of those activities, I'm completely dead to the world. It's like being enclosed in a tiny little bubble where I just focus on that one thing.
Why do I do that? Single-mindedness I suppose. That's the nice explanation, naturally.
The not-so-nice one, and probably the main reason, is that I just wanted to escape from the real world for a while. I wrap myself up in my activity and just ignore everything.
Running away is my forte.
How well I know that.
Heh. Chaos knows even better than me. He's watching. All the time.
Kid, you gotta spruce up one of this days.
Coming from you? *arches eyebrow* Now that's a shocker.
Hey I'm not that bad. I'm just...uh...just...chaotic?
Lame, Chaos. Very lame. Is that the best you can do?
......just so you know, I actually do care about you...from time to time.
Oh I'm so relieved. *sarcastic*
So why do I like BoA so much? Why do I obsess over her? Why her of all people?
If you still haven't figured it out by now, well, the only thing I can say is this: "How slow can you get?"
No offense to slow people.
The above statement is obviously a lie. Since when did she care about offending the intellectually deprived?
Whatever Chaos. Stop stating the obvious.
Ha! See!
Meh. So immature.
My obsession with BoA is a form of escape really. Just drowning myself in her gives me something to think about other than the whole meaningless existence that is my life. I just needed something, someone, to distract me from the harsh reality.
Escapism might be cowardly, but it sure helps get you through to the next day.
Even though it might make the next day even worse.
I keep having this vague feeling that everything I'm doing (school, BoA, playing, living) are just distractions. They feel so...meaningless at times to me.
The only thing that means anything to me is writing, and even then I can never focus enough to do it. Too many distractions, and the ills of life isn't making things any better.
........
*silence*
......Chaos, it's your line.
Oh really? What did you want me to......oh. I guess it really applies to you huh?
Just shut up and say it.
Fine. Chaos needs order to exist. Without stability, there can be no chaos.
Ironic. It's so ironic I wanna laugh. And then maybe break down in bitter tears a few minutes later.
I need stability. I don't want distractions. I need order and calm in my life.
Double irony.
Chaos is what got me this far. Chaos made me the person I am. And I'm not referring to that annoying guest in my head. I mean all the problems that have cropped up in my life thus far.
I would never have matured as a writer without all the trials and tribulations that I have gone through. Now that I wish to focus on writing, I don't have the peace I need to carry it out.
Yet it is also that internal chaos that spurs me on, drives me, and whips me to lift my writing to greater emotional heights. My internal struggle gives me my flair and inspiration.
Should I experience peace, such as the time where I turned to religion, I could no longer write. The driving force was gone. The inner spark caused by all that painful friction in my mind and soul was extinguished.
The only way to get a spark is to strike two objects together. This very act of friction causes the spark that ignites the flame.
I desire inner peace. Yet at the same time I abhor it.
To lose my inspiration is anathema to me. I would sooner gouge out my eyes than give that up.
Yet I so desperately want calm and stability in my life. I want someone to comfort me, make sure that I was alright. I needed things to be smooth-going, at least marginally.
But I can only have one at a time. I can't have both of those at the same time. Their existences clash and contradict with each other.
The only way for me to achieve inner harmony is to abandon my gift and embrace the peace of God.
I could never do that. My gift, if that is the correct word, is everything to me. It is my life. Taking it away is worse than just killing me. If my gift of writing was gone, then what good am I? What could I contribute to this world? I would be no more than a walking corpse, like so many others on this lump of dirt known as Earth. I would be waste of oxygen and resources. I would be nothing, no, less than nothing.
A gift? More like a curse.
Yet it is a curse I embrace, even though it denies me entry to heaven.
I know all this about me. Yet I can do nothing.
Oh my Father in heaven, why art thou doing this to me?
Quote:
The most important lesson of my life was to know how stupid I am.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Sigh.
Well that's a first.
What first?
You don't usually start off posts with a sigh.
Oh, that.
So wassup?
Nothing, just thinking.
That's another first. ^__^
I got that you moron! *whacks Chaos*
*wince* Ow, didn't think she would get that...
Forget it, I won't talk much. Oh, just for anybody's information, I got to level 28 in T4C. Fallen's is a great place to level. Very nervous place, but useful all the same.
Nearly died a few times, but scraped through anyway. Server's down for maintainence at the moment so I'm here. Oh, and I finished the Arakas part of the CS quest. Now to finish off the Black Market Quest.
Aren't you supposed to be a goody-two-shoes? BM quest is on the Evil Path.
I know that, but I decided that I wanted access to the Black Market. XD Besides I can just go back to the Good Path by giving Lord Sunrock that diamond in his chest. ^__^
Sneaky...
Yes, I know that, and I love it. Besides, you would do that too, wouldn't you?
Well...if it were me, I would have taken the Evil Path.
Naturally. I think I'll make another character to go the Evil Path though. A mage. ^__^
Int or wis?
I'm gonna be a cleric, so wis it is. ^__^
An evil cleric? Now that I want to see.
I need to up my endurance after I get my Word of Recall spell. That takes two levels, which is just in time for me to finish my BM quest.
So, you going to Fallen's later? And hole up there until you get the levels huh?
Well, not yet. I want to go to the Orc Camp first. Try doing the Yellow Powder Quest, and maybe the Bluish Liquid one while I'm at it.
Yes, Araf Kul drops the Yellow Powder, doesn't he? And you get the pink leaf there too...
Remarkable! You actually paid attention!
Oh be quiet. So what now? Server's down...
Simpleton. What else would I be doing?
I see two options: 1) BoA-watching and 2) FFnet
Bingo! Now if you'll excuse me...
Pfft...
]
Well that's a first.
What first?
You don't usually start off posts with a sigh.
Oh, that.
So wassup?
Nothing, just thinking.
That's another first. ^__^
I got that you moron! *whacks Chaos*
*wince* Ow, didn't think she would get that...
Forget it, I won't talk much. Oh, just for anybody's information, I got to level 28 in T4C. Fallen's is a great place to level. Very nervous place, but useful all the same.
Nearly died a few times, but scraped through anyway. Server's down for maintainence at the moment so I'm here. Oh, and I finished the Arakas part of the CS quest. Now to finish off the Black Market Quest.
Aren't you supposed to be a goody-two-shoes? BM quest is on the Evil Path.
I know that, but I decided that I wanted access to the Black Market. XD Besides I can just go back to the Good Path by giving Lord Sunrock that diamond in his chest. ^__^
Sneaky...
Yes, I know that, and I love it. Besides, you would do that too, wouldn't you?
Well...if it were me, I would have taken the Evil Path.
Naturally. I think I'll make another character to go the Evil Path though. A mage. ^__^
Int or wis?
I'm gonna be a cleric, so wis it is. ^__^
An evil cleric? Now that I want to see.
I need to up my endurance after I get my Word of Recall spell. That takes two levels, which is just in time for me to finish my BM quest.
So, you going to Fallen's later? And hole up there until you get the levels huh?
Well, not yet. I want to go to the Orc Camp first. Try doing the Yellow Powder Quest, and maybe the Bluish Liquid one while I'm at it.
Yes, Araf Kul drops the Yellow Powder, doesn't he? And you get the pink leaf there too...
Remarkable! You actually paid attention!
Oh be quiet. So what now? Server's down...
Simpleton. What else would I be doing?
I see two options: 1) BoA-watching and 2) FFnet
Bingo! Now if you'll excuse me...
Pfft...
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Hey.
Look at this pun.
Apart means separated. A part (of) means togetherness...
See the joke? ^__~
If you took more than 30 seconds to comprehend that....... *points and laughs at said people*
Ok that was mean.
....since when did I care about being nice? xP
Skyping earlier. Made two new contacts.
Liu Bo from Jilin, China. Kim Ju Hwa from South Korea.
Both of them wanted to pick up better English from me. I don't even know how to go about doing THAT.
I mean, look at it from my point of view. I started on Chinese and English since a young age. I picked up my first English book at age four. Obviously my command of both languages is adequate, if not fluent.
Granted though, my accent and tendency to mumble messes up my spoken form of both languages.
At least Kanai understands--partially--my spoken English with a thick Singaporean accent. My spoken Chinese is, however, rather pathetic.
That's not to say it's THAT bad. Just listen to Erika speak Chinese (or try to) and you'll see what bad means.
No offense to my best friend there. ^__^ After all she is a perennial F9 holder for Chinese.
Haha.
Sigh. It's hard trying to make myself speak simple, uncomplicated English. But I try. I guess I like the idea of helping others out. Sometimes I think I'm too nice...ah well.
Anyway I have to go now. It's getting late and I have to sleep. Well...not that sleep is on my mind since I wanna watch anime. ^__^
Ok I'll leave now. Bye.
]
Look at this pun.
Apart means separated. A part (of) means togetherness...
See the joke? ^__~
If you took more than 30 seconds to comprehend that....... *points and laughs at said people*
Ok that was mean.
....since when did I care about being nice? xP
Skyping earlier. Made two new contacts.
Liu Bo from Jilin, China. Kim Ju Hwa from South Korea.
Both of them wanted to pick up better English from me. I don't even know how to go about doing THAT.
I mean, look at it from my point of view. I started on Chinese and English since a young age. I picked up my first English book at age four. Obviously my command of both languages is adequate, if not fluent.
Granted though, my accent and tendency to mumble messes up my spoken form of both languages.
At least Kanai understands--partially--my spoken English with a thick Singaporean accent. My spoken Chinese is, however, rather pathetic.
That's not to say it's THAT bad. Just listen to Erika speak Chinese (or try to) and you'll see what bad means.
No offense to my best friend there. ^__^ After all she is a perennial F9 holder for Chinese.
Haha.
Sigh. It's hard trying to make myself speak simple, uncomplicated English. But I try. I guess I like the idea of helping others out. Sometimes I think I'm too nice...ah well.
Anyway I have to go now. It's getting late and I have to sleep. Well...not that sleep is on my mind since I wanna watch anime. ^__^
Ok I'll leave now. Bye.
Monday, January 23, 2006
...........
...............
......................
What am I doing?
...............................
...................................
........................................
Tis mentally disturbed, is what it is.
.......
.......
.......
It becomes me quite, this silence soltitude of sighing stars.
...............
....................
.........................
I blame Shakespeare for my strange words. Victorian English is addictive.
...............
..............
............
*bangs head against wall*
........
......
....
Just can it. I've got a messed up mind.
Don't mind her. She's been like that for a while.
.........just take school and shove it up society's ass.........
Incoherent mumbles from my lady. I should worry...but I won't, cos I'm evil.
What lady?
She speaks!
Like I wasn't speaking before?
Not normally you weren't.
....whatever....
Hmmm. Let's leave her alone. She looks a little off.
Is that concern I detect?
You must really be out of your mind to even suggest that my dear.
....haiz....
Well since she's so despondent, I'll say goodbye on her behalf.
]
...............
......................
What am I doing?
...............................
...................................
........................................
Tis mentally disturbed, is what it is.
.......
.......
.......
It becomes me quite, this silence soltitude of sighing stars.
...............
....................
.........................
I blame Shakespeare for my strange words. Victorian English is addictive.
...............
..............
............
*bangs head against wall*
........
......
....
Just can it. I've got a messed up mind.
Don't mind her. She's been like that for a while.
.........just take school and shove it up society's ass.........
Incoherent mumbles from my lady. I should worry...but I won't, cos I'm evil.
What lady?
She speaks!
Like I wasn't speaking before?
Not normally you weren't.
....whatever....
Hmmm. Let's leave her alone. She looks a little off.
Is that concern I detect?
You must really be out of your mind to even suggest that my dear.
....haiz....
Well since she's so despondent, I'll say goodbye on her behalf.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Decided to pop by here.
Had a disgusting time writing in that journal thing for Moral Ed.
I wrote 4 pages. Wonderful. Freaking wonderful.
Read Grace's blog. Meh. I'm bad at comforting people. Because I don't know what to say.
Because I also know that platitudes don't work.
The words "oh, cheer up!" doesn't work. Telling someone to buck up doesn't really work unless the person wants it to and has made up their mind to. Otherwise it's a waste of time.
I feel like a wreck. What am I thinking? Writing all that stuff down in the journal...exposing myself...makes me sick.
Makes me want to slam my fist into the wall again. And again. And again.
Nobody is happy forever. I told that to Chengwei. Nobody can be happy forever simply because nobody's life is perfect. And perfection is a subjective term too.
When I act all goofy and happy-go-lucky in school, does it means I'm always like that? Pah. Just a side. I do the look-into-the-sky routine way too often. And my leave-me-alone vibe is strong.
Am I making sense? Not really. It's slightly incoherent. I want to check myself into IMH for a while. I need counselling. Or someone to rant to. I don't want to inflict my insanity on my friends. They have their own problems. They don't need mine.
I'm beginning to retreat into my fortress mentality again. And coming at this time, its bad news. Very bad news. I'm gonna self-destruct again. Again. F****** AGAIN.
I just love my life, don't you?
Stupid stupid stupid.
I need to throw up. That horrid feeling of desolation. Dread. Hatred. Helplessness.
A potent mix. Ready for combustion.
I can just see this little timer waiting to go off. Ticking down...just like before. Again and again.
I wonder if I'm going to survive this one.
My luck has to run out sometime.
It would really suck to die before my 18th birthday. Or before Resident Evil: Afterlife comes out. Or before the Harry Potter movie series are finished.
My priorities are screwed up.
I so knew that already.
Welcome to my life.
Well let's see if I make it past my 20th birthday. That's two more years. Can you stay here this long with me?
Didn't think so. But we'll see. Time will tell. It always does.
I'll be watching. And so will you.
Peace.
]
Had a disgusting time writing in that journal thing for Moral Ed.
I wrote 4 pages. Wonderful. Freaking wonderful.
Read Grace's blog. Meh. I'm bad at comforting people. Because I don't know what to say.
Because I also know that platitudes don't work.
The words "oh, cheer up!" doesn't work. Telling someone to buck up doesn't really work unless the person wants it to and has made up their mind to. Otherwise it's a waste of time.
I feel like a wreck. What am I thinking? Writing all that stuff down in the journal...exposing myself...makes me sick.
Makes me want to slam my fist into the wall again. And again. And again.
Nobody is happy forever. I told that to Chengwei. Nobody can be happy forever simply because nobody's life is perfect. And perfection is a subjective term too.
When I act all goofy and happy-go-lucky in school, does it means I'm always like that? Pah. Just a side. I do the look-into-the-sky routine way too often. And my leave-me-alone vibe is strong.
Am I making sense? Not really. It's slightly incoherent. I want to check myself into IMH for a while. I need counselling. Or someone to rant to. I don't want to inflict my insanity on my friends. They have their own problems. They don't need mine.
I'm beginning to retreat into my fortress mentality again. And coming at this time, its bad news. Very bad news. I'm gonna self-destruct again. Again. F****** AGAIN.
I just love my life, don't you?
Stupid stupid stupid.
I need to throw up. That horrid feeling of desolation. Dread. Hatred. Helplessness.
A potent mix. Ready for combustion.
I can just see this little timer waiting to go off. Ticking down...just like before. Again and again.
I wonder if I'm going to survive this one.
My luck has to run out sometime.
It would really suck to die before my 18th birthday. Or before Resident Evil: Afterlife comes out. Or before the Harry Potter movie series are finished.
My priorities are screwed up.
I so knew that already.
Welcome to my life.
Well let's see if I make it past my 20th birthday. That's two more years. Can you stay here this long with me?
Didn't think so. But we'll see. Time will tell. It always does.
I'll be watching. And so will you.
Peace.
Wow.
Wow.
I'm actually talking to Kanai. Like, for real.
I love video convos!
Haha.
Except I don't have a webcam. But she does, and she's damn funny. ^__^
My accent sounds strange to her, predictably. Guess Americanised English people don't understand Singaporean accent-ish people. I try my best to make it comprehensible though. ^__^;;;
Worse still is that I don't speak properly. My voice is low (she said she expected it but yeah), and I tend to mumble even in normal conversations. So it kinda gets worse with this. Haha. Considering this is the first time we're speaking two-way verbally. It gets a little awkward but we'll be fine. Practice is good. ^__^
I'll be getting a webcam, and preferably also a wireless adaptor, so we can chat and do crazy stuff, with me INSIDE my room, so as not to alarm my granny. ^__^
Well at least I have spare cash to buy these peripherals. And Chinese New Year's coming! Ang pow money!!!
Lolz.
Ok I kinda ran outta things to say. Umm. Hmm.
My written English is undeniably good, but my spoken is...well..kinda crappy cos I don't talk much, and when I do, I talk with Singaporean friends with abominable accents. So...lolz.
Well...Kanai's back from her fruit-eating trip. So time to stop here!
]
Wow.
I'm actually talking to Kanai. Like, for real.
I love video convos!
Haha.
Except I don't have a webcam. But she does, and she's damn funny. ^__^
My accent sounds strange to her, predictably. Guess Americanised English people don't understand Singaporean accent-ish people. I try my best to make it comprehensible though. ^__^;;;
Worse still is that I don't speak properly. My voice is low (she said she expected it but yeah), and I tend to mumble even in normal conversations. So it kinda gets worse with this. Haha. Considering this is the first time we're speaking two-way verbally. It gets a little awkward but we'll be fine. Practice is good. ^__^
I'll be getting a webcam, and preferably also a wireless adaptor, so we can chat and do crazy stuff, with me INSIDE my room, so as not to alarm my granny. ^__^
Well at least I have spare cash to buy these peripherals. And Chinese New Year's coming! Ang pow money!!!
Lolz.
Ok I kinda ran outta things to say. Umm. Hmm.
My written English is undeniably good, but my spoken is...well..kinda crappy cos I don't talk much, and when I do, I talk with Singaporean friends with abominable accents. So...lolz.
Well...Kanai's back from her fruit-eating trip. So time to stop here!
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Hmm.
Listening to Hyori's Anymotion. It's not bad.
Feeling kinda "duh". Like...just sitting there. Not really bored, but getting to it.
Found out stuff about people that made me feel like a complete jerk. And I wasn't even doing it on purpose.
Says a lot about how thick-headed I am. And self-centered. Meh.
I've had a disgustingly normal and yet absolutely blissful childhood. I never knew how much of a blessing that was. Ah well, now I do.
At least I have happy memories to look back on. Although, admittedly, looking back and knowing that it would never return is probably even more painful than never having it. But at least I've got a good headstart.
Life is unfair. Not only for me, but for everybody else. It's almost impossible for life to be completely fair. It just doesn't work that way.
Ok, BoA's Everlasting isn't making me feel any better about this situation. It's so dramatic that it makes everything sound worse. Did that make sense?
Today in school, during Moral Ed, we had to go round writing about what we liked or wished to change about a person.
I wrote mostly nice stuff. I didn't know the others well enough to write bad stuff. Haha. Isn't that ironic?
When I got mine back, I had mixed feelings. There were a lot of nice comments, a lot of which I felt I didn't deserve.
Am I a good friend? Only to some people maybe. Then why did so many people say good things about me when I haven't really done anything for them? It doesn't make sense.
Of course, I had the "constructive criticism" comments. Stuff like "You should try to keep up with your work". Which was totally justified and I acknowledge that.
Many more wrote that I should be more "open". Joel wrote, in the exact words, "Be more open! Open door policy!". he just had to say that. Haha.
If anyone wrote Glasnost there, I would have hunted him/her down and strangled them.
Only History students will appreciate the previous comment.
Haha.
But overall I felt that I didn't deserve quite a few of the comments. The good ones I mean. The bad ones were justified. So yeah.
People. We don't know them. Not really.
How many of my classmates know what really goes through my head?
Don't answer that last question.
My dad is grumbling again. Cheerios. How I feel now can only be described by this:
*waves Erika's MSN display pic*
It says: "Urge to kill...rising."
Which sums it up pretty nicely really.
Alright, before I go nuts and explode (which I never do, but let's not tempt fate), I shall leave and go buy dinner. And give myself time to think.
Quote:
Learning to breathe...
]
Listening to Hyori's Anymotion. It's not bad.
Feeling kinda "duh". Like...just sitting there. Not really bored, but getting to it.
Found out stuff about people that made me feel like a complete jerk. And I wasn't even doing it on purpose.
Says a lot about how thick-headed I am. And self-centered. Meh.
I've had a disgustingly normal and yet absolutely blissful childhood. I never knew how much of a blessing that was. Ah well, now I do.
At least I have happy memories to look back on. Although, admittedly, looking back and knowing that it would never return is probably even more painful than never having it. But at least I've got a good headstart.
Life is unfair. Not only for me, but for everybody else. It's almost impossible for life to be completely fair. It just doesn't work that way.
Ok, BoA's Everlasting isn't making me feel any better about this situation. It's so dramatic that it makes everything sound worse. Did that make sense?
Today in school, during Moral Ed, we had to go round writing about what we liked or wished to change about a person.
I wrote mostly nice stuff. I didn't know the others well enough to write bad stuff. Haha. Isn't that ironic?
When I got mine back, I had mixed feelings. There were a lot of nice comments, a lot of which I felt I didn't deserve.
Am I a good friend? Only to some people maybe. Then why did so many people say good things about me when I haven't really done anything for them? It doesn't make sense.
Of course, I had the "constructive criticism" comments. Stuff like "You should try to keep up with your work". Which was totally justified and I acknowledge that.
Many more wrote that I should be more "open". Joel wrote, in the exact words, "Be more open! Open door policy!". he just had to say that. Haha.
If anyone wrote Glasnost there, I would have hunted him/her down and strangled them.
Only History students will appreciate the previous comment.
Haha.
But overall I felt that I didn't deserve quite a few of the comments. The good ones I mean. The bad ones were justified. So yeah.
People. We don't know them. Not really.
How many of my classmates know what really goes through my head?
Don't answer that last question.
My dad is grumbling again. Cheerios. How I feel now can only be described by this:
*waves Erika's MSN display pic*
It says: "Urge to kill...rising."
Which sums it up pretty nicely really.
Alright, before I go nuts and explode (which I never do, but let's not tempt fate), I shall leave and go buy dinner. And give myself time to think.
Quote:
Learning to breathe...
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Hey hey!
Today I'm in a relatively good mood.
Despite starting off badly early in the day (no I'm NOT going to relive that stupid incident), after considerable food and retail (gasp!) therapy, I'm in a good mood again.
You??? Shopping??? Incredible!
Hey shopping for new clothes isn't that bad. I like having new clothes. Although the process of getting them is not only a painful one, but also a very ego-deflating journey.
She can't fit a lot of clothes, that's why.
But I found the PERFECT pair of jeans! In the right color! And its not black!
Not black? Why not black?! You love black!
Well its in a shade of blue which I find particularly attractive. But I might have to pick the right colors of t-shirts to go with it...
...you? Color coordination? *raises eyebrow*
Shuddap Chaos. I'm not color blind.
That is open to discussion.
......never mind. Oh and I have two new t-shirts! One with a kawaii bear design! *huggles* And the other is another plain shirt in a nice shade of light blue.
Hmpf. No dark colors....
Well I need a little freshness in my wardrobe. I have way too many black t-shirts.
Anyway, gushing about my new clothes is a bit un-me, but I don't really care.
Oh funny thing happened today! Well, two actually.
Ok the first one. After CCA today, Sharon and I were planning to go home, but it was raining.
So we stood at the gate, umbrellas out, and we wondered if we should wait for the rain to slow down a bit before braving the elements. We decided to just go ahead.
Bad move.
As if on cue, the rain started coming down in a solid curtain the moment we stepped out. Worse, the wind was so strong that the rain was practically blowing horizontally into us.
Sharon and I got very wet. And we cursed and complained until we got to the HDB flats to hide out in the void deck.
And guess what happened then? The torrential rain suddenly slowed to a drizzle. Right after we got to the void deck.
So there we were, soaked to our skin, with soggy socks in waterlogged shoes. We looked up in the sky, and I waved my fist at it angrily.
But that isn't even the best part yet.
As Sharon and I made our way to the MRT station, she noticed some whitish stuff on my shoes. So I looked down.
Silence ensues.
Then I said the first thing that came to mind.
"....I think...that looks like soap."
Sharon was like "Soap???"
Me (still speaking slowly): "What the heck is SOAP FOAM doing on my shoes?!"
Sharon didn't help by starting to laugh. I couldn't help it, I started laughing too.
I guess my dad put too much soap onto my shoes when he washed it, and he didn't rinse it properly. So when I stepped in a puddle during that absurd little downpour, all that subsequent squishing around made the soap foam out from my shoes.
It's still hilarious when I think about it. Geez. It's the first time I saw foam oozing out of the pores of my shoes.
Now for the 2nd thing.
While shopping for the new clothes mentioned above, I was browsing through the racks of clothes. I swung my left hand quite negligently, and it came down on a hanger. A very sharp, pointy, steel end of a hanger.
And so I managed to cut myself. Bled quite a bit. I was like O__o. Who else but me can manage to injure myself while looking for new clothes??
Which is why I say shopping can be a hazardous activity.
Ok that's enough of a random blog post for today.
Oh wait!!!! Today is Grace's birthday! I almost forgot to add that amidst all the rant above.
HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY GRACIE!!!!
Don't do anything I wouldn't. XP
She's the oldest in our class, save for Naseem and Hanis (which don't really count since they were '87 babies).
Haha Gracie is 18~~~
Darn I don't turn 18 until March 31! Like right after Bloc Test 1. Damn.
Anyway, I gotta go. Need sleep. Aching feet. I hate running and shopping.
But you like new clothes. Isn't that paradoxical?
Ah whatever. Night people!
]
Today I'm in a relatively good mood.
Despite starting off badly early in the day (no I'm NOT going to relive that stupid incident), after considerable food and retail (gasp!) therapy, I'm in a good mood again.
You??? Shopping??? Incredible!
Hey shopping for new clothes isn't that bad. I like having new clothes. Although the process of getting them is not only a painful one, but also a very ego-deflating journey.
She can't fit a lot of clothes, that's why.
But I found the PERFECT pair of jeans! In the right color! And its not black!
Not black? Why not black?! You love black!
Well its in a shade of blue which I find particularly attractive. But I might have to pick the right colors of t-shirts to go with it...
...you? Color coordination? *raises eyebrow*
Shuddap Chaos. I'm not color blind.
That is open to discussion.
......never mind. Oh and I have two new t-shirts! One with a kawaii bear design! *huggles* And the other is another plain shirt in a nice shade of light blue.
Hmpf. No dark colors....
Well I need a little freshness in my wardrobe. I have way too many black t-shirts.
Anyway, gushing about my new clothes is a bit un-me, but I don't really care.
Oh funny thing happened today! Well, two actually.
Ok the first one. After CCA today, Sharon and I were planning to go home, but it was raining.
So we stood at the gate, umbrellas out, and we wondered if we should wait for the rain to slow down a bit before braving the elements. We decided to just go ahead.
Bad move.
As if on cue, the rain started coming down in a solid curtain the moment we stepped out. Worse, the wind was so strong that the rain was practically blowing horizontally into us.
Sharon and I got very wet. And we cursed and complained until we got to the HDB flats to hide out in the void deck.
And guess what happened then? The torrential rain suddenly slowed to a drizzle. Right after we got to the void deck.
So there we were, soaked to our skin, with soggy socks in waterlogged shoes. We looked up in the sky, and I waved my fist at it angrily.
But that isn't even the best part yet.
As Sharon and I made our way to the MRT station, she noticed some whitish stuff on my shoes. So I looked down.
Silence ensues.
Then I said the first thing that came to mind.
"....I think...that looks like soap."
Sharon was like "Soap???"
Me (still speaking slowly): "What the heck is SOAP FOAM doing on my shoes?!"
Sharon didn't help by starting to laugh. I couldn't help it, I started laughing too.
I guess my dad put too much soap onto my shoes when he washed it, and he didn't rinse it properly. So when I stepped in a puddle during that absurd little downpour, all that subsequent squishing around made the soap foam out from my shoes.
It's still hilarious when I think about it. Geez. It's the first time I saw foam oozing out of the pores of my shoes.
Now for the 2nd thing.
While shopping for the new clothes mentioned above, I was browsing through the racks of clothes. I swung my left hand quite negligently, and it came down on a hanger. A very sharp, pointy, steel end of a hanger.
And so I managed to cut myself. Bled quite a bit. I was like O__o. Who else but me can manage to injure myself while looking for new clothes??
Which is why I say shopping can be a hazardous activity.
Ok that's enough of a random blog post for today.
Oh wait!!!! Today is Grace's birthday! I almost forgot to add that amidst all the rant above.
HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY GRACIE!!!!
Don't do anything I wouldn't. XP
She's the oldest in our class, save for Naseem and Hanis (which don't really count since they were '87 babies).
Haha Gracie is 18~~~
Darn I don't turn 18 until March 31! Like right after Bloc Test 1. Damn.
Anyway, I gotta go. Need sleep. Aching feet. I hate running and shopping.
But you like new clothes. Isn't that paradoxical?
Ah whatever. Night people!
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Just checking in randomly.
Not much point to this post except to well, stop by?
God am I pathetic...
Yes you are.
I didn't need that information.
I think I know what my little voice can be called. His name is Chaos.
Oooo I have a name! Finally!
Well I guess that does it. I just realised that reading about certain pairings make me more excited than others.
Buffy/Faith has a guaranteed starting place.
Girl on girl always turns you on buster. You need a life.
Hey I don't only like that pairing. Max/Alec from Dark Angel just rocks.
Hello? Bestiality much?
Buffy-ism there.
So sue me.
*rolls eyes* Whatever. Michael/Selene in Underworld.
Again with the bestiality! What is wrong with you?!
Don't tell me you don't enjoy it.
Well...I feel what you feel, so what turns you on turns me on too! Ha!
I believe you know my friend, the shirker of responsibilities. *eyes drift upwards*
I believe that's you missy.
Which means we're equally bad. You are me and I am you which means that what you get I get and what I am you are.
Please forgive my partner-in-crime for the above display of gibberish.
Gee thanks.
Welcome.
This is the cue for me to roll my eyes. *rolls eyes* Anyway, what else do I like? Hmmm......Alucard/Seras/Integra!
Threesomes? *raises an eyebrow*
Well...no....I mean I don't mind a combination of any two of the above 3 characters...but a threesome isn't too bad really...
Kids this days... *shakes head* Growing up too quickly...
*miffed* Well I'll have you know that I'm turning 18 in 3 months wise guy. And you're not any better yourself you know.
Anyway, I also like Heinkel/Yumie/Yumiko. The only threesome that only has two people...technically speaking anyway...heh.
Yuri again? And NUNS to boot? *slaps forehead*
Don't act like a prude. You're worse than me...sometimes. Besides, they work for Iscariot. I didn't think a nun's job duties involve killing things with wild abandon. Like the way Yumie does anyway. So what's the real problem? And you'll note that Heinkel dresses up like a priest most of the time....
Which makes it a nun and a priest. That's just wrong on so many levels...but then again... *evil grin*
...you love it right? I know you too well Chaos.
So you do, so you do. At least you didn't add Anderson anywhere into that equation... *shudder*
Yeah I know... *shudder* Or Maxwell. *pukes*
*smirk* Maxwell/Integra?
Only for comic relief my dear. Alucard/Integra isthe canon pairing after all. And I do respect canon...from time to time.
Lemme guess another pairing that gets you high... Rebecca/Wesker from Resident Evil!
...!!!
*smug* I got that right, didn't I? *preens*
...well...yeah...only because I read a really good fic pairing the two. I like Rebecca Chambers most amongst the STARS members. And Wesker...well, he's hot, he's cool, he's evil, and...
He wears black all over. Including the shades.
Including the shades. *nods* And Alice/Rain is cool. Alice/Jill too. Of course and there's Alice/Matt. Minus the whole Nemesis thing. I draw the line at necrophilia. Or mutant/freak thingies.
Well you hafta stop somewhere huh? XD
Would you think I'm bad if I advocated Alexia/Alfred?
Hey the dude's obsessed with his sister. To the extent of cross-dressing as her. I think you're justified...even though twincest is a little wrong...
A little?
Well you can't top Erika's love for YAOI twincest can you?
...umm but I have one single little yuri incest pairing....
....never mind.
Lol. That was truly entertaining. Ok I really gotta go cos I have school tomorrow and its getting late.
And to everyone who has read through the above....
TREAT IT AS ENTERTAINMENT! DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY!
Well I hope that got across. I always find it fun to engage in these little discussions with the friend in my head.
Pleasure speaking to everyone...despite the glaring flaws of my buddy here. But I'm perfect enough for the both of us.
Do you really have to insult me all the time?
Well, hello, I live in the void of your mind and have nothing better to do! I've watched all your memories on tape so many times that I can spout the exact sequences! Gimme a break...I need the release.
And you just insulted me in there...again. Oh why do I bother anymore? You're beyond salvation.
And so are YOU, as I recall. If I'm going to hell, you're coming with me honey.
Great to have you. Ok I really have to close now. Night ppl.
]
Not much point to this post except to well, stop by?
God am I pathetic...
Yes you are.
I didn't need that information.
I think I know what my little voice can be called. His name is Chaos.
Oooo I have a name! Finally!
Well I guess that does it. I just realised that reading about certain pairings make me more excited than others.
Buffy/Faith has a guaranteed starting place.
Girl on girl always turns you on buster. You need a life.
Hey I don't only like that pairing. Max/Alec from Dark Angel just rocks.
Hello? Bestiality much?
Buffy-ism there.
So sue me.
*rolls eyes* Whatever. Michael/Selene in Underworld.
Again with the bestiality! What is wrong with you?!
Don't tell me you don't enjoy it.
Well...I feel what you feel, so what turns you on turns me on too! Ha!
I believe you know my friend, the shirker of responsibilities. *eyes drift upwards*
I believe that's you missy.
Which means we're equally bad. You are me and I am you which means that what you get I get and what I am you are.
Please forgive my partner-in-crime for the above display of gibberish.
Gee thanks.
Welcome.
This is the cue for me to roll my eyes. *rolls eyes* Anyway, what else do I like? Hmmm......Alucard/Seras/Integra!
Threesomes? *raises an eyebrow*
Well...no....I mean I don't mind a combination of any two of the above 3 characters...but a threesome isn't too bad really...
Kids this days... *shakes head* Growing up too quickly...
*miffed* Well I'll have you know that I'm turning 18 in 3 months wise guy. And you're not any better yourself you know.
Anyway, I also like Heinkel/Yumie/Yumiko. The only threesome that only has two people...technically speaking anyway...heh.
Yuri again? And NUNS to boot? *slaps forehead*
Don't act like a prude. You're worse than me...sometimes. Besides, they work for Iscariot. I didn't think a nun's job duties involve killing things with wild abandon. Like the way Yumie does anyway. So what's the real problem? And you'll note that Heinkel dresses up like a priest most of the time....
Which makes it a nun and a priest. That's just wrong on so many levels...but then again... *evil grin*
...you love it right? I know you too well Chaos.
So you do, so you do. At least you didn't add Anderson anywhere into that equation... *shudder*
Yeah I know... *shudder* Or Maxwell. *pukes*
*smirk* Maxwell/Integra?
Only for comic relief my dear. Alucard/Integra isthe canon pairing after all. And I do respect canon...from time to time.
Lemme guess another pairing that gets you high... Rebecca/Wesker from Resident Evil!
...!!!
*smug* I got that right, didn't I? *preens*
...well...yeah...only because I read a really good fic pairing the two. I like Rebecca Chambers most amongst the STARS members. And Wesker...well, he's hot, he's cool, he's evil, and...
He wears black all over. Including the shades.
Including the shades. *nods* And Alice/Rain is cool. Alice/Jill too. Of course and there's Alice/Matt. Minus the whole Nemesis thing. I draw the line at necrophilia. Or mutant/freak thingies.
Well you hafta stop somewhere huh? XD
Would you think I'm bad if I advocated Alexia/Alfred?
Hey the dude's obsessed with his sister. To the extent of cross-dressing as her. I think you're justified...even though twincest is a little wrong...
A little?
Well you can't top Erika's love for YAOI twincest can you?
...umm but I have one single little yuri incest pairing....
....never mind.
Lol. That was truly entertaining. Ok I really gotta go cos I have school tomorrow and its getting late.
And to everyone who has read through the above....
TREAT IT AS ENTERTAINMENT! DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY!
Well I hope that got across. I always find it fun to engage in these little discussions with the friend in my head.
Pleasure speaking to everyone...despite the glaring flaws of my buddy here. But I'm perfect enough for the both of us.
Do you really have to insult me all the time?
Well, hello, I live in the void of your mind and have nothing better to do! I've watched all your memories on tape so many times that I can spout the exact sequences! Gimme a break...I need the release.
And you just insulted me in there...again. Oh why do I bother anymore? You're beyond salvation.
And so are YOU, as I recall. If I'm going to hell, you're coming with me honey.
Great to have you. Ok I really have to close now. Night ppl.
Monday, January 16, 2006
The next line is for Grace.
I AM NOT ATHEIST!
Hope you got that.
Atheism is a belief that God, or any being higher than humans, does not exist.
As for me, I'm AGNOSTIC. Which is a belief that God's existence cannot really be proven, but we don't discount the possiblity that God does exist.
Yes, agnosticism can co-exist with atheism. However, I never denied the existence of God. I simply questioned the portrayal of God in the world's religions. There's a subtle difference.
It's not easy for me to be assimiliated into any mainstream religion. Being agnostic means its hard for me to truly believe, to have that kind of faith that characterises the true believer.
And my cousin Pauline wonders why I keep backsliding in church. I simply cannot make myself believe. That's where the problem is.
So, please don't confuse me with hardcore atheists. I disdain that characterisation.
Yes, on many occasions in the past on my blog, there are times where I deny the existence of God due to my own moody angsty feelings. But my true stance is agnosticism. I don't actively disbelieve, but I don't actively believe either.
Ok, that's enough of explanation on my religious tendencies (or lack thereof).
Have fun.
]
I AM NOT ATHEIST!
Hope you got that.
Atheism is a belief that God, or any being higher than humans, does not exist.
As for me, I'm AGNOSTIC. Which is a belief that God's existence cannot really be proven, but we don't discount the possiblity that God does exist.
Yes, agnosticism can co-exist with atheism. However, I never denied the existence of God. I simply questioned the portrayal of God in the world's religions. There's a subtle difference.
It's not easy for me to be assimiliated into any mainstream religion. Being agnostic means its hard for me to truly believe, to have that kind of faith that characterises the true believer.
And my cousin Pauline wonders why I keep backsliding in church. I simply cannot make myself believe. That's where the problem is.
So, please don't confuse me with hardcore atheists. I disdain that characterisation.
Yes, on many occasions in the past on my blog, there are times where I deny the existence of God due to my own moody angsty feelings. But my true stance is agnosticism. I don't actively disbelieve, but I don't actively believe either.
Ok, that's enough of explanation on my religious tendencies (or lack thereof).
Have fun.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Deus Ex Machina.
God out of the machine.
A man-made god.
Technically, deus ex machina is a dramatic device in the theatre. Rising out of the ground like a god. It's a mechanism that is almost cliched.
But it makes you think doesn't it?
Did God make Man, or did Man make God?
What is God? What does it mean?
Is God a being at all?
Judaism, Christianity and Islam have a vision of a loving Father, the mighty Creator and omniscent, omnipotent figure.
But is it so simple?
If anything at all were that powerful, why do the things it did? Why create flawed humans? Why create flawed life?
One might argue that Satan corrupted mankind by tempting the first humans to take the forbidden fruit of knowledge.
But then, think of this. Why couldn't mankind handle knowledge? God himself obviously knows about Good and Evil, but yet he is still good...well, depends on how you define that but that's what the orthodox explanation is.
Evidently, mankind was flawed. Well, one can argue that we were made from dust and that's why we couldn't be perfect. But why use dust then?
Trust God. Put your faith in him. Don't question His decisions; and definitely don't try to understand them, since it might split your brain in half.
That's what they all say, isn't it?
Look at this. God is capable of jealousy. God is capable of anger. He is capable of love. And he can forgive.
Funny how humans resemble Him. Well, we were supposed to be made in his image, so that isn't much of a surprise.
But by having all these emotions, isn't God as flawed as the rest of us?
Before you people start looking for firewood and lighting the torches, hear me out.
Emotions are a strange thing. Humans are capable of great things when spurred on by emotions. We can achieve things beyond our normal potential when we are given enough incentive to do so, like love or even hatred.
However, emotions can also cripple a person. We are left unable to deal with certain issues when crushed by grief or consumed by fury.
Well, God is perfect right? He knows how to control emotions....really?
*can hear ppl crying out BLASPHEMY!!!!*
Personally, I don't think of God as a being.
No, I'm not denying the existence of God. I just don't think he exists the way we think he does.
Humans are egoistic. Up until about 400-500 years ago, humans still thought that they were the center of the universe. Naturally we would think that if there were a God, He would naturally have made us like Him. It would only be right.
But isn't God the Lord of the Universe and of all Life? Just because (we think) we are the only sentient creatures on this dirt ball known as Earth, it doesn't make us that special. Life is life, IQ and self-awareness or not.
Yes yes, the Bible says quite clearly that man were made in the image of God. But hello, who wrote that?
I know the Bible is the Word of God, but it does have to be filtered through humans hands, doesn't it? Yes, they might have been divinely inspired, so to speak, but Mankind's egoism has been around for ages. I wouldn't be surprised if the writer chose to interpret certain things differently.
It's happening even now. Translators interpret the original text differently based on their experiences and biases. Everyone is biased to a certain degree. Even if we all know the same language, the way we read the meanings of certain phrases or sentences may differ.
How does one translate the language of the heart as given to you by God into the flawed language made by equally flawed humans? Language is definitely not enough. It simply is too limited, because in part human imagination is limited by our lack of mental perfection.
So what is God?
I believe in God as an awareness, not as something with an actual physical form. Of course, if God is as powerful as everybody says He is, He obviously can take physical form if He wants to. And to avoid freaking His creations out, I think He would take a form that wouldn't shock them to death at first sight. Basically, as human, if he so wishes.
How to put it? I don't believe in God as the way the major religions of the world views Him. What kind, loving father? God, for lack of a better term to describe this higher entity, has its own agenda. Who knows why we are created? I certainly don't, for I'm as human as the rest of you...
Personally she's not really sure about that anymore. Isn't that true my dear?
Oh shut up you.
Don't worry about that, just my own personal pain-in-the-ass talking.
Ebb and flow. Light and Dark. Good and Evil. Life and Death.
For one thing, there is almost always another in return. What was that physics thingy again?
For every reaction, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Why thank you. Yes, that's it.
So why did I mention it?
God is good. The devil is evil. That's how it goes, yes?
But what if I said, that's just FREAKING NATURAL, YOU DUMMY!!!
*gets pelted by rotten eggs*
Thanks.
What would Light be without Darkness? In the absence of Light, Darkness would rule supreme, yes? But if you never knew what Light was in the first place, then how would you recognise Darkness as dark?
Same goes for Good and Evil. Heck, for a simpler analogy, let's use temperature.
Imagine this. You live in a place where the temperature is constantly at 40 degrees Celsius for all your life. You have never known anything different. So to you, 40 degrees Celsius is "normal" temperature. It's not too much, nor too little. You can't even conceive of any other temperature since that's all you know.
Yes that's an impossible scenario in real life, but it was just an analogy to get the point across.
So what's to say that God is good? What is good anyway? What does it mean?
If we save the lives of a 100 people by sacrificing one person, is that good?
Yes, for the greater good. Net benefit. What is one life compared to a 100?
But the very term of "greater good", and "net benefit" suggests some form of addition and subtraction. Evidently, the sacrifice is not good, but saving more lives is even better right? So it cancels the whole thing out.
But be honest now. We might want it to work that way, but we know it doesn't. Just because everyone agrees that sacrificing one to save a hundred is a greater good doesn't make the sacrifice a "good" thing.
It's still bad, but it had to be done. Familiar line isn't it?
As I recall, YOU used it often enough.
What my annoying alter-ego said. I'm not a saint. I'm human. I'm flawed. We try and try, but we make mistakes.
No I'm not making excuses for myself. I have done many things that didn't conform to conventional morality. I have done the most idiotic things. And I paid the price. Isn't that the way it works? Self-recrimination doesn't help, nor does blame-shifting.
I am human. We are all human.
God is perfect. We are not.
So why don't we just leave him alone and try making ourselves a little less flawed?
Always the optimist...hey wait, that's NOT normal! Who the heck are you?!
That's for me to know and for you to found out.
]
God out of the machine.
A man-made god.
Technically, deus ex machina is a dramatic device in the theatre. Rising out of the ground like a god. It's a mechanism that is almost cliched.
But it makes you think doesn't it?
Did God make Man, or did Man make God?
What is God? What does it mean?
Is God a being at all?
Judaism, Christianity and Islam have a vision of a loving Father, the mighty Creator and omniscent, omnipotent figure.
But is it so simple?
If anything at all were that powerful, why do the things it did? Why create flawed humans? Why create flawed life?
One might argue that Satan corrupted mankind by tempting the first humans to take the forbidden fruit of knowledge.
But then, think of this. Why couldn't mankind handle knowledge? God himself obviously knows about Good and Evil, but yet he is still good...well, depends on how you define that but that's what the orthodox explanation is.
Evidently, mankind was flawed. Well, one can argue that we were made from dust and that's why we couldn't be perfect. But why use dust then?
Trust God. Put your faith in him. Don't question His decisions; and definitely don't try to understand them, since it might split your brain in half.
That's what they all say, isn't it?
Look at this. God is capable of jealousy. God is capable of anger. He is capable of love. And he can forgive.
Funny how humans resemble Him. Well, we were supposed to be made in his image, so that isn't much of a surprise.
But by having all these emotions, isn't God as flawed as the rest of us?
Before you people start looking for firewood and lighting the torches, hear me out.
Emotions are a strange thing. Humans are capable of great things when spurred on by emotions. We can achieve things beyond our normal potential when we are given enough incentive to do so, like love or even hatred.
However, emotions can also cripple a person. We are left unable to deal with certain issues when crushed by grief or consumed by fury.
Well, God is perfect right? He knows how to control emotions....really?
*can hear ppl crying out BLASPHEMY!!!!*
Personally, I don't think of God as a being.
No, I'm not denying the existence of God. I just don't think he exists the way we think he does.
Humans are egoistic. Up until about 400-500 years ago, humans still thought that they were the center of the universe. Naturally we would think that if there were a God, He would naturally have made us like Him. It would only be right.
But isn't God the Lord of the Universe and of all Life? Just because (we think) we are the only sentient creatures on this dirt ball known as Earth, it doesn't make us that special. Life is life, IQ and self-awareness or not.
Yes yes, the Bible says quite clearly that man were made in the image of God. But hello, who wrote that?
I know the Bible is the Word of God, but it does have to be filtered through humans hands, doesn't it? Yes, they might have been divinely inspired, so to speak, but Mankind's egoism has been around for ages. I wouldn't be surprised if the writer chose to interpret certain things differently.
It's happening even now. Translators interpret the original text differently based on their experiences and biases. Everyone is biased to a certain degree. Even if we all know the same language, the way we read the meanings of certain phrases or sentences may differ.
How does one translate the language of the heart as given to you by God into the flawed language made by equally flawed humans? Language is definitely not enough. It simply is too limited, because in part human imagination is limited by our lack of mental perfection.
So what is God?
I believe in God as an awareness, not as something with an actual physical form. Of course, if God is as powerful as everybody says He is, He obviously can take physical form if He wants to. And to avoid freaking His creations out, I think He would take a form that wouldn't shock them to death at first sight. Basically, as human, if he so wishes.
How to put it? I don't believe in God as the way the major religions of the world views Him. What kind, loving father? God, for lack of a better term to describe this higher entity, has its own agenda. Who knows why we are created? I certainly don't, for I'm as human as the rest of you...
Personally she's not really sure about that anymore. Isn't that true my dear?
Oh shut up you.
Don't worry about that, just my own personal pain-in-the-ass talking.
Ebb and flow. Light and Dark. Good and Evil. Life and Death.
For one thing, there is almost always another in return. What was that physics thingy again?
For every reaction, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Why thank you. Yes, that's it.
So why did I mention it?
God is good. The devil is evil. That's how it goes, yes?
But what if I said, that's just FREAKING NATURAL, YOU DUMMY!!!
*gets pelted by rotten eggs*
Thanks.
What would Light be without Darkness? In the absence of Light, Darkness would rule supreme, yes? But if you never knew what Light was in the first place, then how would you recognise Darkness as dark?
Same goes for Good and Evil. Heck, for a simpler analogy, let's use temperature.
Imagine this. You live in a place where the temperature is constantly at 40 degrees Celsius for all your life. You have never known anything different. So to you, 40 degrees Celsius is "normal" temperature. It's not too much, nor too little. You can't even conceive of any other temperature since that's all you know.
Yes that's an impossible scenario in real life, but it was just an analogy to get the point across.
So what's to say that God is good? What is good anyway? What does it mean?
If we save the lives of a 100 people by sacrificing one person, is that good?
Yes, for the greater good. Net benefit. What is one life compared to a 100?
But the very term of "greater good", and "net benefit" suggests some form of addition and subtraction. Evidently, the sacrifice is not good, but saving more lives is even better right? So it cancels the whole thing out.
But be honest now. We might want it to work that way, but we know it doesn't. Just because everyone agrees that sacrificing one to save a hundred is a greater good doesn't make the sacrifice a "good" thing.
It's still bad, but it had to be done. Familiar line isn't it?
As I recall, YOU used it often enough.
What my annoying alter-ego said. I'm not a saint. I'm human. I'm flawed. We try and try, but we make mistakes.
No I'm not making excuses for myself. I have done many things that didn't conform to conventional morality. I have done the most idiotic things. And I paid the price. Isn't that the way it works? Self-recrimination doesn't help, nor does blame-shifting.
I am human. We are all human.
God is perfect. We are not.
So why don't we just leave him alone and try making ourselves a little less flawed?
Always the optimist...hey wait, that's NOT normal! Who the heck are you?!
That's for me to know and for you to found out.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Cheerios.
Now picture me saying that with a sardonic smirk.
Add a pose of me with my hand on my chin to round things off.
Ok the above was somewhat random. But I do that all the time.
Today's a Friday, of which I'm infinitely grateful for. At least I get to sleep in tomorrow.
Why am I here? Oh, no real reason. Just wanted to stop by and say hi.
I had an ecletic time killing corrupted goblins on T4C. Nearly died several times. I'm going to stay there until I reach lvl 24, then go back up to the surface and buy my Elm Recurve +2. Haha.
I'm a little tired now, but I'm guessing its the fact that I've actually been sleeping at 10pm for the last few days.
What am I doing? I'm never this random...well sometimes I am, but at least those posts were marginally amusing. This doesn't even make me want to laugh. Not even by a long shot. And that's saying a lot.
Please tell me I'm sane.
Oh I am? How wonderful of you.
Wait, who the heck am I talking to? Oh never mind.
I don't feel depressed. Which is why I'm not spouting gothic nonsense like in my last post. I don't feel remotely happy, which is why I'm not being hyper and such.
I think the situation I'm in now pretty much sticks me in the category generally known as "bored".
Oh yes. I finished the 3rd chapter of Before The Light. I think to cure my boredom, I should get myself busy.
Well, now that I have found myself a purpose, I shall log off.
Be well people.
]
Now picture me saying that with a sardonic smirk.
Add a pose of me with my hand on my chin to round things off.
Ok the above was somewhat random. But I do that all the time.
Today's a Friday, of which I'm infinitely grateful for. At least I get to sleep in tomorrow.
Why am I here? Oh, no real reason. Just wanted to stop by and say hi.
I had an ecletic time killing corrupted goblins on T4C. Nearly died several times. I'm going to stay there until I reach lvl 24, then go back up to the surface and buy my Elm Recurve +2. Haha.
I'm a little tired now, but I'm guessing its the fact that I've actually been sleeping at 10pm for the last few days.
What am I doing? I'm never this random...well sometimes I am, but at least those posts were marginally amusing. This doesn't even make me want to laugh. Not even by a long shot. And that's saying a lot.
Please tell me I'm sane.
Oh I am? How wonderful of you.
Wait, who the heck am I talking to? Oh never mind.
I don't feel depressed. Which is why I'm not spouting gothic nonsense like in my last post. I don't feel remotely happy, which is why I'm not being hyper and such.
I think the situation I'm in now pretty much sticks me in the category generally known as "bored".
Oh yes. I finished the 3rd chapter of Before The Light. I think to cure my boredom, I should get myself busy.
Well, now that I have found myself a purpose, I shall log off.
Be well people.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
I was feeling good actually.
Despite the illness.
And then my relatives had to come and just destroy my mood. Thanks a lot.
It's always my fault, isn't it? Always my fault.
Perhaps it was this time. I spend too much time on the computer. I waste electricity. I'm ruining my family.
Whatever.
How many times have I heard this? Too many to count.
I get upset when I am told that I'm playing on my computer. I do not play on my computer, at least not all the time. The largest part of my time when I'm on my computer is when I'm reading fics and the like.
But can they see that? No....of course not.
They jump to conclusions. The only thing I can possibly be doing on the computer is gaming.
Gee, does reading count as gaming? Does writing count as gaming? Does blogging count as gaming? Does forum-ing count as gaming?
It's all the same to them. What does it matter for me to say anything? I just keep quiet and let them talk. It's so much better that way.
Yeah it's probably my fault for staying so long on the computer, driving up the electricity bill. I won't dodge that bullet. It's meant for me anyway.
And no, this time I won't put a "but" after the above statement.
So it's my fault. Who cares? Who ever cares? Life goes on.
I'm hooked onto BoA's song, Everlasting. It suits my mood perfectly. So dramatic. Haha.
I should stop dramatising my own situation. Let's just face it, I'm an ordinary 17-going on-18 JC student with a taste for the melodramatic. There's nothing remotely remarkable about me save for my height. I'm not as smart as I make myself out to be. I'm not the tragic figure who lost her mother. I'm not a filial daughter or granddaughter. I'm just a selfish, self-serving, self-centered and greedy adolescent who also happens to be foolish and lazy.
Harsh? Not really. I saved the best for my inner self.
I'm a lazy good-for-nothing who moans about the future but refuses to do anything to change her future. I will never amount to anything. And I don't care.
I'm a waste of oxygen. I take up unnecessary space. I'm a burden to other people. A parasite sucking the life out of others. I'm a freak of nature. I don't deserve to be around. I don't deserve anything. I am nothing. Less than nothing.
And the best part? I don't really care. I'm a quitter. So what? What can you do to me? Hit me? Try and wake me up?
That's what the last few dozen people have been trying. Thanks for the effort, but I'm not worth the trouble. I'm not worth saving. My life is precious only to me. It's cheap to everybody else.
I have done nothing of note in my short existence. I only cause harm to others. What good have I done for people? People have given me more than I deserve. I have never given anything to anyone in return.
Am I angsty now? No. Just empty. I don't feel sad. I'm not angry with myself. I don't even feel disappointed.
I can't feel. And to be honest, I don't want to.
I'm just typing all these down. But I don't feel a thing. It's just empty. I don't feel anything.
Wonderful isn't it?
Selfish. Greedy. Stupid. Lazy. Immoral. Spiteful. Ungrateful. Narrow-minded. Immature.
That's me. Don't you think so too?
And don't lie about it already. We all know what you think.
Humans. So foolish. We never learn, do we?
]
Despite the illness.
And then my relatives had to come and just destroy my mood. Thanks a lot.
It's always my fault, isn't it? Always my fault.
Perhaps it was this time. I spend too much time on the computer. I waste electricity. I'm ruining my family.
Whatever.
How many times have I heard this? Too many to count.
I get upset when I am told that I'm playing on my computer. I do not play on my computer, at least not all the time. The largest part of my time when I'm on my computer is when I'm reading fics and the like.
But can they see that? No....of course not.
They jump to conclusions. The only thing I can possibly be doing on the computer is gaming.
Gee, does reading count as gaming? Does writing count as gaming? Does blogging count as gaming? Does forum-ing count as gaming?
It's all the same to them. What does it matter for me to say anything? I just keep quiet and let them talk. It's so much better that way.
Yeah it's probably my fault for staying so long on the computer, driving up the electricity bill. I won't dodge that bullet. It's meant for me anyway.
And no, this time I won't put a "but" after the above statement.
So it's my fault. Who cares? Who ever cares? Life goes on.
I'm hooked onto BoA's song, Everlasting. It suits my mood perfectly. So dramatic. Haha.
I should stop dramatising my own situation. Let's just face it, I'm an ordinary 17-going on-18 JC student with a taste for the melodramatic. There's nothing remotely remarkable about me save for my height. I'm not as smart as I make myself out to be. I'm not the tragic figure who lost her mother. I'm not a filial daughter or granddaughter. I'm just a selfish, self-serving, self-centered and greedy adolescent who also happens to be foolish and lazy.
Harsh? Not really. I saved the best for my inner self.
I'm a lazy good-for-nothing who moans about the future but refuses to do anything to change her future. I will never amount to anything. And I don't care.
I'm a waste of oxygen. I take up unnecessary space. I'm a burden to other people. A parasite sucking the life out of others. I'm a freak of nature. I don't deserve to be around. I don't deserve anything. I am nothing. Less than nothing.
And the best part? I don't really care. I'm a quitter. So what? What can you do to me? Hit me? Try and wake me up?
That's what the last few dozen people have been trying. Thanks for the effort, but I'm not worth the trouble. I'm not worth saving. My life is precious only to me. It's cheap to everybody else.
I have done nothing of note in my short existence. I only cause harm to others. What good have I done for people? People have given me more than I deserve. I have never given anything to anyone in return.
Am I angsty now? No. Just empty. I don't feel sad. I'm not angry with myself. I don't even feel disappointed.
I can't feel. And to be honest, I don't want to.
I'm just typing all these down. But I don't feel a thing. It's just empty. I don't feel anything.
Wonderful isn't it?
Selfish. Greedy. Stupid. Lazy. Immoral. Spiteful. Ungrateful. Narrow-minded. Immature.
That's me. Don't you think so too?
And don't lie about it already. We all know what you think.
Humans. So foolish. We never learn, do we?
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Hi I'm here at Erika's house now.
Had fun playing Dynasty Warriors and watching funny SHE videos with Petrina.
Incidentally, my height came to good use earlier when Erika's mom wanted someone to help her change the lights. Guess who came to mind when she couldn't reach the ceiling?
Anyway, I was afraid of heights. Weird huh? A tall person like me being afraid of heights.
But after the first two crystal light pieces, I got used to it. It wasn't that difficult really lol.
Hung out with Jamie and Erika in her sister's room. Petrina was called downstairs so we were waiting for her to come back.
Sometimes I wonder why Erika thinks that she isn't pretty. Jamie and I both disagreed when she said that. I mean, hello, if you want to see ugly, look at me! Haha!
But honestly, I have a feeling that the guys in Australia are going to go after her, with disastrous results. They'll probably get themselves whacked. Hehe...
Jamie whispered something to me. I still haven't actually heard exactly what she said, but even if I did I'm not going to put it here. Lolz.
Erika's in the shower now. So I'm out here blogging while waiting for her.
And Chengwei, don't say it. Don't even think it. Or I'll be forced to hurt you, friend or not.
Well, she's coming out soon, so I better stop. Til next time then!
]
Had fun playing Dynasty Warriors and watching funny SHE videos with Petrina.
Incidentally, my height came to good use earlier when Erika's mom wanted someone to help her change the lights. Guess who came to mind when she couldn't reach the ceiling?
Anyway, I was afraid of heights. Weird huh? A tall person like me being afraid of heights.
But after the first two crystal light pieces, I got used to it. It wasn't that difficult really lol.
Hung out with Jamie and Erika in her sister's room. Petrina was called downstairs so we were waiting for her to come back.
Sometimes I wonder why Erika thinks that she isn't pretty. Jamie and I both disagreed when she said that. I mean, hello, if you want to see ugly, look at me! Haha!
But honestly, I have a feeling that the guys in Australia are going to go after her, with disastrous results. They'll probably get themselves whacked. Hehe...
Jamie whispered something to me. I still haven't actually heard exactly what she said, but even if I did I'm not going to put it here. Lolz.
Erika's in the shower now. So I'm out here blogging while waiting for her.
And Chengwei, don't say it. Don't even think it. Or I'll be forced to hurt you, friend or not.
Well, she's coming out soon, so I better stop. Til next time then!
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Hey.
Had a long intellectual session with both Kanai and Chengwei until 3 am last night.
Funny how it is sometimes.
Taking something Kanai said, she said that intelligence are split into 2 categories. One is Intellect, the other is Academic.
I couldn't agree better, but I think I'll suggest a different labelling.
Conventional, and Non-conventional.
Conventional is obviously what everybody has to varying degrees. Non-conventional belongs to a select few.
Kanai and I agreed that everyone in the world is linked together like vast web, and every single individual is like a node with links to the people around them and such.
Kanai went a step further by theorizing that people like us (me, her, and I think Chengwei too, heck I think Kewei counts as well) are a far more complicated node than the usual kinds. She calls it a nexus.
Nexus, tend to be more perceptive about the deeper things in life. We can see what others choose not to, or are unable to see.
I know that to some people, the above theory sounds awfully elitist and you probably think that we're self-imporatnt idiots who want to make ourselves feel special.
But then, how many people can honestly claim to have thought deeply into the more philosophical side of life simply because they want to, or that their circumstances made them go down that road?
Humanity is caught up in the mundane. We wonder what's gonig to happen the next day, we worry about exams, we worry about work, we worry about our friends and family, we worry about our lives in general.
Sometimes its good to just slow down and think hard on what we're doing and why.
Sometimes the above action is a truly foolish act that causes nothing but pain and more confusion.
But it makes us wonder doesn't it?
And that's the first step towards enlightenment.
Not that I believe in Nirvana or all that nonsense.
But being at peace with yourself is the most important thing in life. Chengwei and I were discussing the nature of happiness and why perfection should or should not be achieved, providing that it were possible.
He covered a bit of our talk in his blog. It's a bit bare bones without all the explanations and examples we came up with while chatting, but it was alright. Not that many people will really appreciate the meaning of that blog post. Most will just take it at face value (and I think Chengwei knows too). Some might even think a bit about it, but most people will probably forget about it soon enough.
It's like the stuff I put down here at my blog. How many people will actually remember what I write here? Those who read, some of them, read just for the heck of killing time and mild curiosity. They don't really care.
Some, like Chengwei and maybe Grace too, they might remember a few of the more significant posts. But they''re good friends who actually care whether I'm alive or not.
Every life is significant. We all have ties to each other in that giant web of life. It's just that so many people lose sight of that fact.
But honestly, if I'm severed from that web, how many would feel that something was missing? My dad certainly. My granny. Erika probably. Maybe my cousin Pauline. Grace and Lester too. Chengwei possibly.
And I can't really think of anybody else.
Wow look at that, a grand total of 8 people.
Has my life made a real impact on the lives of others? Will people remember me? Or will I just be another statistic on "people who died in so-and-so year"?
I don't need widespread recognition. I don't need the whole world to remember me.
I just need to know whether I made a difference to anybody. Excepting my dad of course. My appearance in his life can hardly be thought of as insignificant.
What have I left on other people? Have I helped them? Or hurt them? Made them better people? Or corrupted them?
Doesn't matter.
It never does in the end, does it?
From dust we came, and whence we all return.
]
Had a long intellectual session with both Kanai and Chengwei until 3 am last night.
Funny how it is sometimes.
Taking something Kanai said, she said that intelligence are split into 2 categories. One is Intellect, the other is Academic.
I couldn't agree better, but I think I'll suggest a different labelling.
Conventional, and Non-conventional.
Conventional is obviously what everybody has to varying degrees. Non-conventional belongs to a select few.
Kanai and I agreed that everyone in the world is linked together like vast web, and every single individual is like a node with links to the people around them and such.
Kanai went a step further by theorizing that people like us (me, her, and I think Chengwei too, heck I think Kewei counts as well) are a far more complicated node than the usual kinds. She calls it a nexus.
Nexus, tend to be more perceptive about the deeper things in life. We can see what others choose not to, or are unable to see.
I know that to some people, the above theory sounds awfully elitist and you probably think that we're self-imporatnt idiots who want to make ourselves feel special.
But then, how many people can honestly claim to have thought deeply into the more philosophical side of life simply because they want to, or that their circumstances made them go down that road?
Humanity is caught up in the mundane. We wonder what's gonig to happen the next day, we worry about exams, we worry about work, we worry about our friends and family, we worry about our lives in general.
Sometimes its good to just slow down and think hard on what we're doing and why.
Sometimes the above action is a truly foolish act that causes nothing but pain and more confusion.
But it makes us wonder doesn't it?
And that's the first step towards enlightenment.
Not that I believe in Nirvana or all that nonsense.
But being at peace with yourself is the most important thing in life. Chengwei and I were discussing the nature of happiness and why perfection should or should not be achieved, providing that it were possible.
He covered a bit of our talk in his blog. It's a bit bare bones without all the explanations and examples we came up with while chatting, but it was alright. Not that many people will really appreciate the meaning of that blog post. Most will just take it at face value (and I think Chengwei knows too). Some might even think a bit about it, but most people will probably forget about it soon enough.
It's like the stuff I put down here at my blog. How many people will actually remember what I write here? Those who read, some of them, read just for the heck of killing time and mild curiosity. They don't really care.
Some, like Chengwei and maybe Grace too, they might remember a few of the more significant posts. But they''re good friends who actually care whether I'm alive or not.
Every life is significant. We all have ties to each other in that giant web of life. It's just that so many people lose sight of that fact.
But honestly, if I'm severed from that web, how many would feel that something was missing? My dad certainly. My granny. Erika probably. Maybe my cousin Pauline. Grace and Lester too. Chengwei possibly.
And I can't really think of anybody else.
Wow look at that, a grand total of 8 people.
Has my life made a real impact on the lives of others? Will people remember me? Or will I just be another statistic on "people who died in so-and-so year"?
I don't need widespread recognition. I don't need the whole world to remember me.
I just need to know whether I made a difference to anybody. Excepting my dad of course. My appearance in his life can hardly be thought of as insignificant.
What have I left on other people? Have I helped them? Or hurt them? Made them better people? Or corrupted them?
Doesn't matter.
It never does in the end, does it?
From dust we came, and whence we all return.
Friday, January 06, 2006
God.
Listening to BoA's Everlasting now. The full version is finally out. And the music video too.
It has a strangely calming effect on my senses.
Just watching BoA gives me some peace at least.
Even though the PV isn't exactly bright and happy. Just seeing her face, looking into her eyes, makes me somewhat less in pain.
Heck, just visualising her eyes in the PV relaxes me.
And people wonder why I stick to BoA.
Watching her makes me forget. It releases me from my worries, fears, and my inadequacy. For a short while, I'm alive again. And I'm not hurting inside.
Strange how BoA has such an amazing effect on me. She eases my fears and pains. I let myself get lost in her.
It's good to indulge in self-denial now and then.
Especially when BoA is involved.
You gotta admit, watching BoA for entertainment and relaxation is better than seeing me go and do drugs or something. Anything to forget. Anything to be rid of my fears, dreams, and my painful realities.
Sometimes I worry myself.
But honestly, do you think I'm sane?
If you don't, well, you're an idiot you know.
Despite everything indicating otherwise, I'm perfectly fine. A little off my rocker at times, but perfectly fine nevertheless.
But then again, insanity is rarely total.
Go figure out what that means. And have fun about it.
I know perfectly well what I'm writing and doing. It's strange.
You'll never know whether I really mean what I'm saying, do you?
It's a twisted little world in here.
Having fun yet?
I know I am.
And I'm perfectly comfortable with your pain too.
Enjoy.
]
Listening to BoA's Everlasting now. The full version is finally out. And the music video too.
It has a strangely calming effect on my senses.
Just watching BoA gives me some peace at least.
Even though the PV isn't exactly bright and happy. Just seeing her face, looking into her eyes, makes me somewhat less in pain.
Heck, just visualising her eyes in the PV relaxes me.
And people wonder why I stick to BoA.
Watching her makes me forget. It releases me from my worries, fears, and my inadequacy. For a short while, I'm alive again. And I'm not hurting inside.
Strange how BoA has such an amazing effect on me. She eases my fears and pains. I let myself get lost in her.
It's good to indulge in self-denial now and then.
Especially when BoA is involved.
You gotta admit, watching BoA for entertainment and relaxation is better than seeing me go and do drugs or something. Anything to forget. Anything to be rid of my fears, dreams, and my painful realities.
Sometimes I worry myself.
But honestly, do you think I'm sane?
If you don't, well, you're an idiot you know.
Despite everything indicating otherwise, I'm perfectly fine. A little off my rocker at times, but perfectly fine nevertheless.
But then again, insanity is rarely total.
Go figure out what that means. And have fun about it.
I know perfectly well what I'm writing and doing. It's strange.
You'll never know whether I really mean what I'm saying, do you?
It's a twisted little world in here.
Having fun yet?
I know I am.
And I'm perfectly comfortable with your pain too.
Enjoy.
Today was a truly crappy day.
First I wake up with a heart-splitting pain in my chest (ha ha), then I find that I'm the most idiotic person in the world.
And about the pun above, that was inevitable.
Why am I the most idiotic person in the world?
Because, even when KNOWING that agitation/stress/depression makes my chest pains flare up, I just had to activate it by feeling all 3 of those emotions when I woke up from my prolonged nightmare.
What nightmare? No not a nightmare. It was just that I couldn't FREAKING SLEEP for 5 hours, is all. Nothing to it, nothing at all.
As for depression...its complicated. I'm not sure if I could explain it...
Stress, well. Crap, my chest...starting to hurt again.
I really hate being a J2.
More to it, I really hate growing up. God it hurts. I hate it when my chest hurts.
Sometimes it feels so easy to just give it all up.
But it won't let me. It isn't done with me, not by a long shot.
Well, who's it? What's it?
My Demon. My Friend. My Lover.
Shit.
If falling in love with your captor is called the Stockholm Syndrome, I wonder what they would call falling in love with an imaginary alter ego whose depths of perversity and sadism are by no means normal.
Yes. It's him. Her. It. Whatever. It doesn't matter. Gender doesn't matter for It.
Some like to think that inspiration is divine. In my case, it's anything but divine.
More like demonic really.
.......it hurts......
Taking a walk inside my mind is a very bad idea. If you don't go mad, you'll inevitably be corrupted.
Or you might meet It. Which is probably worse than the above 2 options.
Captive. Who is master? I don't know.
I honestly don't.
Did I make It? If I did, what exactly happened to make It so...deadly?
We all have our little voices in the head.
Mine just happens to be more independent than the usual kinds.
To be honest with it, It isn't such a bad companion sometimes. We talk, argue, have funny rhetorical sessions, and sometimes we have a little fun together.
It knows all my secret little fantasies and dreams. It's awfully embarassing, but I'd admit that sometimes it's not that bad. Except when It starts taunting me about my sexuality.
I'M NOT ASEXUAL YOU IDIOT!!!
....never mind that.
Just had to get it out of my system. God he is so annoying...
He? Yeah well mostly It takes on a male persona. Not surprising, It is such a pervert. But since I made him, does that mean I'm secretly one too? Ha.
It's not funny.
I wonder why I like yuri pairings so much? Actually I don't mind yaoi either, the pairing just has to make sense. Like Kantarou/Haruka in Tactics. Or even Dextera/Sinistra in Kiddy Grade. And you won't believe this if I told you...
Wanna guess what was the FIRST EVER yaoi fic I ever read? I betcha no one can guess.
Nobody has an answer yet? I didn't think so.
And you shut up. (Sorry not to the readers, It's being annoying again)
Well. *deep breath*
It's Xander/Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
*pauses as screams are heard bouncing around the Net*
It was a mistake! An accident! I swear it!
But it was fun...sorta.
Ok enough of my dirty little secrets. I don't think I should reveal anymore stuff like these.
I know I'm totally off-point by now, and I don't care. It doesn't care either.
Sometimes I really wanna kiss him. He's my worst tormentor, and I want to beat him up, then probably kiss him silly.
Oh well.
Yeah I'm wired wrong somehow.
Did I mention I really like Harry/Fleur as a couple?
Dragon's Jewel...
*blanks out*
*snaps back*
Sorry just spacing out. Ignore previous comment. (after the Harry/Fleur thing I mean)
Sigh.
Vivid dreams.
Visions.
Hallucinations.
Being conked on the head with what looks like a cockroach egg.
Blood.
Weird.
It seems...
Never mind.
Crushing. Tearing. Biting.
I don't know anymore.
Send me to heaven and watch me cry. Send me to hell and watch me die.
Choices.
Dragon's Jewel.
It's so pretty.
You're bleeding.
Can I have the heart?
You can have the eyes.
So pretty.
Like a rainbow?
No, you're right.
Pretty falls.
All red and gleaming.
It smells funny though.
Do you know why?
I see.
That's sweet of you.
And guess what?
I love you too.
]
First I wake up with a heart-splitting pain in my chest (ha ha), then I find that I'm the most idiotic person in the world.
And about the pun above, that was inevitable.
Why am I the most idiotic person in the world?
Because, even when KNOWING that agitation/stress/depression makes my chest pains flare up, I just had to activate it by feeling all 3 of those emotions when I woke up from my prolonged nightmare.
What nightmare? No not a nightmare. It was just that I couldn't FREAKING SLEEP for 5 hours, is all. Nothing to it, nothing at all.
As for depression...its complicated. I'm not sure if I could explain it...
Stress, well. Crap, my chest...starting to hurt again.
I really hate being a J2.
More to it, I really hate growing up. God it hurts. I hate it when my chest hurts.
Sometimes it feels so easy to just give it all up.
But it won't let me. It isn't done with me, not by a long shot.
Well, who's it? What's it?
My Demon. My Friend. My Lover.
Shit.
If falling in love with your captor is called the Stockholm Syndrome, I wonder what they would call falling in love with an imaginary alter ego whose depths of perversity and sadism are by no means normal.
Yes. It's him. Her. It. Whatever. It doesn't matter. Gender doesn't matter for It.
Some like to think that inspiration is divine. In my case, it's anything but divine.
More like demonic really.
.......it hurts......
Taking a walk inside my mind is a very bad idea. If you don't go mad, you'll inevitably be corrupted.
Or you might meet It. Which is probably worse than the above 2 options.
Captive. Who is master? I don't know.
I honestly don't.
Did I make It? If I did, what exactly happened to make It so...deadly?
We all have our little voices in the head.
Mine just happens to be more independent than the usual kinds.
To be honest with it, It isn't such a bad companion sometimes. We talk, argue, have funny rhetorical sessions, and sometimes we have a little fun together.
It knows all my secret little fantasies and dreams. It's awfully embarassing, but I'd admit that sometimes it's not that bad. Except when It starts taunting me about my sexuality.
I'M NOT ASEXUAL YOU IDIOT!!!
....never mind that.
Just had to get it out of my system. God he is so annoying...
He? Yeah well mostly It takes on a male persona. Not surprising, It is such a pervert. But since I made him, does that mean I'm secretly one too? Ha.
It's not funny.
I wonder why I like yuri pairings so much? Actually I don't mind yaoi either, the pairing just has to make sense. Like Kantarou/Haruka in Tactics. Or even Dextera/Sinistra in Kiddy Grade. And you won't believe this if I told you...
Wanna guess what was the FIRST EVER yaoi fic I ever read? I betcha no one can guess.
Nobody has an answer yet? I didn't think so.
And you shut up. (Sorry not to the readers, It's being annoying again)
Well. *deep breath*
It's Xander/Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
*pauses as screams are heard bouncing around the Net*
It was a mistake! An accident! I swear it!
But it was fun...sorta.
Ok enough of my dirty little secrets. I don't think I should reveal anymore stuff like these.
I know I'm totally off-point by now, and I don't care. It doesn't care either.
Sometimes I really wanna kiss him. He's my worst tormentor, and I want to beat him up, then probably kiss him silly.
Oh well.
Yeah I'm wired wrong somehow.
Did I mention I really like Harry/Fleur as a couple?
Dragon's Jewel...
*blanks out*
*snaps back*
Sorry just spacing out. Ignore previous comment. (after the Harry/Fleur thing I mean)
Sigh.
Vivid dreams.
Visions.
Hallucinations.
Being conked on the head with what looks like a cockroach egg.
Blood.
Weird.
It seems...
Never mind.
Crushing. Tearing. Biting.
I don't know anymore.
Send me to heaven and watch me cry. Send me to hell and watch me die.
Choices.
Dragon's Jewel.
It's so pretty.
You're bleeding.
Can I have the heart?
You can have the eyes.
So pretty.
Like a rainbow?
No, you're right.
Pretty falls.
All red and gleaming.
It smells funny though.
Do you know why?
I see.
That's sweet of you.
And guess what?
I love you too.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Why won't they stop?
Arguing like children, flaring tempers and heated words.
I hate it, hate the tension, hate the anger. I hate conflict in the family. I hate being the peacemaker, the one caught in the middle.
If I ever wondered where I learnt the art of keeping my temper, I didn't have to look far.
The voice of reason. The impartial judge.
I've been both on several occasions. I don't like being there, but someone has to do it.
Enough about this.
School was...a pain.
I wonder if I did something wrong. Rachel seems to be upset with me. Our eyes met in Econs lecture today, and she stared right through me. I was sure she saw me.
So was it something I did???
I don't know. She's a friend, and I like to keep my friends. I don't have very many to begin with.
Sometimes I wish I'm not me.
But we all have our quirky days.
]
Arguing like children, flaring tempers and heated words.
I hate it, hate the tension, hate the anger. I hate conflict in the family. I hate being the peacemaker, the one caught in the middle.
If I ever wondered where I learnt the art of keeping my temper, I didn't have to look far.
The voice of reason. The impartial judge.
I've been both on several occasions. I don't like being there, but someone has to do it.
Enough about this.
School was...a pain.
I wonder if I did something wrong. Rachel seems to be upset with me. Our eyes met in Econs lecture today, and she stared right through me. I was sure she saw me.
So was it something I did???
I don't know. She's a friend, and I like to keep my friends. I don't have very many to begin with.
Sometimes I wish I'm not me.
But we all have our quirky days.
Monday, January 02, 2006
This is ridiculous.
What is, you ask?
I just realised how disgustingly appropriate Evanescence's Bring Me To Life is to Kei and Mawata's relationship in my fic.
The lyrics...practically tell their story from top to bottom.
And I didn't even plan it that way. It just happened.
Just look at this:
how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home
That is so...so... you know! Exactly what Kei did for Mawata. It's so fitting, I can't believe it.
call my name and save me from the dark
Again, what Kei did for Mawata.
now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life
And this is what will happen later. When *something* happens to Kei. No I'm saying a word.
Now I know what music I have to play when I write Kei/Mawata scenes. As a rule, I usually listen to White Destiny when writing Pretear fics. It sets the tone perfectly. Hehe. But Bring Me To Life is soooo cool.....
Ok I really have to go to bed. School tomorrow. Darn.
Ah well. We'll live. Somehow.
]
What is, you ask?
I just realised how disgustingly appropriate Evanescence's Bring Me To Life is to Kei and Mawata's relationship in my fic.
The lyrics...practically tell their story from top to bottom.
And I didn't even plan it that way. It just happened.
Just look at this:
how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home
That is so...so... you know! Exactly what Kei did for Mawata. It's so fitting, I can't believe it.
call my name and save me from the dark
Again, what Kei did for Mawata.
now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life
And this is what will happen later. When *something* happens to Kei. No I'm saying a word.
Now I know what music I have to play when I write Kei/Mawata scenes. As a rule, I usually listen to White Destiny when writing Pretear fics. It sets the tone perfectly. Hehe. But Bring Me To Life is soooo cool.....
Ok I really have to go to bed. School tomorrow. Darn.
Ah well. We'll live. Somehow.
