Aeternus, Eternus

Hmm I neglected this for a while. Sigh.

I just downloaded a performance of "The Meaning of Peace" featuring Koda Kumi and BoA. Heh. They sound cool.

Which reminds me. I'll need to get something off download.com. Must not forget. Although it's not that important.

I just posted up chapter 4 of Black Requiem. I liked the bit where she teases him about being an "old fogey". Heheh. And I made Jin annoying hehe. She'll get along JUST fine with Shi Yeon....*innocent*

And I set the first part of the plot in motion with the sending out of a strike team from the "good people". Hehe. Next chapter it's the "bad people's" turn to send their team out. And YoungWoong will come out then hehe. Now how many people do I have left to introduce? Oh yeah, Brian and YoungWoong only. I'll need to make another vamp. Well not really. I'll just reuse my old characters and remake them a bit. Yeah I'm cheapskate. So?

I'll need to finish Silent Sorrow. I like it, but Black Requiem is more humorous at the moment. After all when you have me poking fun at Hitler and World War II you know it's a hoot. Silent Sorrow is getting a little too intense. Hehe.

I had a strange session of thoughts last night. Had something to do with a lot of...hmm...guys. No not that way. I was more of thinking what kind of guy is my type. Yeah I know. Not much like me huh?

I came out of it feeling more depressed than when I started. I'm the kind of girl that feeds off passion. When the passion in a relationship dies, I'll leave. It's that simple. Which is why I'll probably never get married. I'll never be able to stick with one person like that. Unless that guy is really amazing that is. Chances are though that any guy like that will probably be snapped up by girls with better qualifications than I do. Oh well. Life sucks like that.

I've been wondering if I should direct my poetic genes towards a happier direction. I mean, lookie at all my poems. It usually has a lot to do with pain and suffering. Even the one I found humorous was morbid, to say the least. Maybe I should write poems on BoA. Hahah. Lol. That might help, although I dun really know what I can write about her. Her eyes? Her hair? Her voice...hmmm yeah......but I'm not in a very poetic mood now so we'll save that for next time. ^_^

Now to do whatever's on my to-do list....note that anything to do with school is scribbled on another piece of paper which is hardly ever looked at ^__~

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I want to know the meaning of peace and love...

I can't believe I'm reduced to a crying baby right now.

Yeah I'm crying. Right now. Surprised? Shocked? I pretty much dun care what you think.

And all because I was reading some story on ffnet. Yeah. A story. A STORY. And it made me cry.

I bet you must be laughing now. Go ahead. I dun care. But maybe some select few will be wondering why.

I doubt that the number of people that do that when reading this will exceed 0.1%. Or 0.00000001%.

But anyway. I guess the author is good at what he or she is doing if they can make me turn into a crying baby. Mainly it has to do with the themes in the story.

Pain. Pain of loss. Pain of rejection. Agony of being outcast. Despair at being left behind. Abandonment.

The story had all of that. It hit me hard cos I really felt the pain. That's the real kind of pain that really touches me. I can see ppl being beaten up and not feel anything, except maybe just the slightest touch of pity.

I guess all this years, all this time, I have always hovered on the edge of everything. I just kept watching, looking on at everyone else.

Afraid to join in. Afraid that I would be turned away. Be rejected. Be made to feel all alone.

I had always been a loner. Ever since I was but a little child. It got really started when I reached primary school. I guess being too intellectual at that age tends to make me somewhat distant to human company.

It might have had something to do with the fact that I usually preferred to spend quality time with a good book than to go out and play all the time. Yes, even at that age.

I guess being that much of a bookworm when young robbed me of most of my social graces. I was nervous around people because I wasn't sure how they would react. I preferred to watch from aside, where I can read them more clearly.

Something about being in the center of things clouds my judgement. When I wasn't "in the midst of things", to borrow that idea, I could more clearly predict what people were going to do.

It might have something to do with control. I hate to lose control on a situation. And by control I dun mean monopolising the situation or anything. I mean to be able to see what's going on clearly, to be able to second guess things.

I hate being in the dark about things. I'm cursed with an inquisitive nature I'm afraid. I know abt things that probably shouldn't be exposed to me. A hazard of curiosity, but I can bear that I suppose.

But back to the point. I hated being around other ppl, but yet I wanted to be with them. Paradoxical? But humans are like that. We are a bunch of walking contradictions.

Perhaps I should explain my predicament. I didn't want to be around ppl cos I didn't know what to expect from them, and what they expected of me. I didn't know what to do or say to them that would not offend them accidentally.

But I'm also human. Humans, no matter how civilised we are on the surface, are still animals underneath. We are animals after all. Just because we are smarter doesn't change that. Even though I'm having serious doubts about this so-called intelligence of human beings.

If we were so smart we wouldn't be destroying our own world through pollution, and we wouldn't be massacring our own kind. But I digress.

I was referring to pack instinct. Herd instinct, if you want to be picky abt it. Humans are herd animals. Now before you stone me for it, hear the rest of it. We WERE herd animals once. Then, as we grew more "civilised", we became more conscious abt certain differences between ourselves and other humans. The herd grew apart, and started splitting into smaller, more selective, packs. But our desire to stay together was not only fueled by practicality, but also for our innate desire to be with our "pack". Or family, in modern, less "barbaric" context.

The point of that little insight into history/anthropology/psychology etc etc was to emphasize that humans thrive on company. Of course there are some ppl that break that mould, but those were probably isolated incidents. Probably something went wrong somewhere.

But anyway, what went on there was my own personal theory, gathered up from the assorted other theories I have heard or read abt. But it's just common sense really. And suddenly I realise my obsessive-complusive behaviour in treating everything like some sort of study subject has struck again.

Dun tell me you didn't notice my tendency to break off into logical, rational (or irrational) rambles that absolutely reek of scholarly assessment. If you didn't I would really hate to be you. Really.

I suppose I despise stupidity. I see it as a form of weakness. I dun mind it when ppl feign simple-mindedness though. It's a viable way to live. Swindling ppl gets soooo much easier if you let them think they were smarter than you. Gulling a person whose head is puffed up with their own sense of superiority is like child's play. That's why I always keep a sharp eye out on ppl who appear to be simple-minded. They may not always be who they seem to be. And I didn't want to let MY own sense of superiority get ahead of me. I often have to rein myself in ever so often. But I'm getting off point here.

Thank god I dun tend to do this in my essays. Mainly cos there I had a clear goal in mind. A vision if you will. Right here I'm quite literally speaking my mind. Typing out every word even as the thoughts run through my head in split seconds.

I'm really long-winded. It happens. And I forgot what I was thinking abt before. That happens fairly often. I can start out thinking abt some mundane thing like school and stuff, and my thoughts can somehow wind up eventually in concepts of good and evil, as well as random scientific theories I cooked up when I have nothing better to do.

It makes me smile just thinking about that. Weird huh? The tears have dried up, just so you know. I seldom cry for long, unless I really wanted to of course. Crying is such a chore. But it does make you feel better. Sometimes. Sometimes it makes you feel worse. But oh well.

I guess I'll end here. The pain is past. I forget pain very well. But I know that its just hiding there in some corner, ready to pounce again. I can't seem to let go of it. And of course it is only too happy to be able to sink its claws into me.

I learnt to live with pain. In fact, I can't imagine life without it anymore. I cling to my pain like a security blanket. It has reached the point that it defines my very existence. I suppose a lot of people will deem it unhealthy. Maybe it is. But I've grown to accept it as part of me. I even think its kind of cool. Haha. I'm such a weirdo. I actually enjoy being in pain.

Sick? Sadistic? Or just plain crazy? Take your pick. Throw it in my face. Not that I would mind. In fact you would just be giving me more reason to wallow in pain. I am such a despicable opportunist. I absolutely love doing this to everyone.

Sometimes I think I'm losing it. Or maybe I have already lost it. I look normal. I talk normal. Heck, I am the very definition of normal. At least that's what you would see if you didn't know me that well.

Come a little closer, and you would see a lazy, arrogant, defiant, anti-social teen.

Come still closer. See now someone with a unique sense of humor, yet at the same time cynical and carefree at the same time.

Take another tiny step forward. See a girl who sometimes can be infuriatingly cheerful and relaxed, and yet sometimes moodily unpredictable and depressed. See a person who playfully insults and teases the people that she really felt comfortable with.

And finally, take a step into a real up-close-and-personal spot. My head. What were you thinking abt huh? LOL. Ok. Back to taunting mood. *ERHEM*

What would you see there? Truth is, you are seeing part of it here. I'm being more open than I've ever been to anyone right here. I'm actually being honest. That's relatively new. At least it is new now. I wasn't always like this you realise. I suppose that idea may baffle you. And here I am with the urge to insult/taunt and offend anyone in general. I think it's becoming an obsession.

Try having so many things you want to say to assorted ppl, but was scared to because you didn't want to offend them accidentally. I've been suppressing things for abt ten years now. Ok maybe not so long. It's only nine years at most. *wink*

But anyway, all that time not saying what you really wanted to say grinds on your nerves. And I end up spending lots of time honing insults and witty repartees in my mind that I hope one day I would finally gather up enough of my guts to use them.

And you wonder why I playfully insult the ppl I'm comfortable with. I know how much I can get away with when I'm with them, and it's very relaxing to be able to try out some of those cutting remarks I've honed to paper-thiness over the years.

But of course I tone them down a little. I can't afford to alienate what few ppl I feel comfy around. So when you get right down to it I'm never really able to relieve all that pent-up tension. Maybe enough to scratch my itch a little. But never enough.

I seem driven by the most childish of reasons. That is both my weakness and my strength. I dun really believe in anything, and although that weakens me, that is also the shield that protects me. I guess I dun lose out that much in the end.

I seem to be driven by the word "desire". And also "vengeance". Oh and add "contempt" and "hatred" into the mix. I can never be satisfied. I can never allow myself to heal from whatever wound I dug into myself and rubbed salt into with my own two hands. I can't bear to let go of my insane ideas of gothic themes. I think I'm corrupting myself well and good on my own. I dun need any more help from the assorted "bad influences" floating around.

I'm a really empty person. On one hand I laugh and play and enjoy life. But on a different level I laugh and sneer at all these.

So many things. Only to serve as distractions for me. I go to school because I can't bear to be unable to receive any mental stimulation. And I need something to be contemptous about after all. The more I learn about mankind, the more I feel contempt for myself and everyone else. Plus it feeds me ego. What else can I ask for?

I once commented that large ego is sometimes accompanied by low self-esteem. I dun think anyone noticed the undertones of what I said. As usual. Sometimes I feel like I have to hit their head over with a sledgehammer to get myself heard and hopefully understood. Yeah like that would ever happen.

Of course, on hindsight, I could just tell them can't I? Why complicate things unnecessarily, you would ask. But that takes all the fun out of it. I love to see people with baffled looks on their faces as they try to grope their way on the murky path to understanding.

Of course, it probably would make me feel better if someone did get what I meant once I said it. It would feel a lot better to have someone I could really talk to without their faces going blank once every 5 seconds. And I would like to talk to someone I could really trust. Someone who wouldn't judge me. Someone who would listen. Someone who can match me step by step in terms of levels of thought. Someone fun to be around, but also comforting to have around when I go into depression. Someone who would both respect and understand me. And that person doesn't even necessarily have to agree with most of my opinions. Although I'll admit that it would help.

Of course, that kind of person will never appear in my life. I may be a lucky fella, but I doubt my luck extends to things like this. That imaginary person will remain as he is. A dream. A fantasy. A hope I cling onto in times of bleakest despair.

You know that old chinese saying? Qian1 jin1 yi4 de2, zhi1 yin1 nan1 qiu2. It roughly translates to "Wealth is easy to amass, but to find someone who understands you is close to impossible."

That old saying is an old favorite of mine. It is one that I can really grasp the full meaning of, and appreciate it to its fullest extent. It's so much easier to appreciate things if you've lived through the same kind of thing before.

And it helps in helping to understand others too. I still remember when I was talking to some guy who seemed to be intent on pissing everyone off in the game. I didn't know what impelled me to start a pm convo with him. I just did. And I learned more about that person than anyone else did in less than 15mins. Partly it was cos I could identify with that person. I offered a listening ear. I added comforting words at appropriate intervals. And that person opened up to me.

I like to think I did some good that day. I think I managed to persuade that person, a total stranger, that life was worth going on. I'm not too clear on this, since I'm not there right beside him, but I got the vague impression that I stopped someone from going out and doing something drastic. Like ending their life or something.

Maybe I'm exaggerating. But I know that somehow, I did manage to make that stranger feel somewhat better. He told me so. So this I'm not guessing. And he was grateful.

I guess I'm not beyond hope. But it's a strange thing abt me. I always seem to be more able to help others solve their problems, but when it comes to my own problems, I tend to make a singular mess. Or plural. Whatever.

I'm normal. I'm so normal it stinks. I hated to be normal I guess. Maybe all this things that I bring down on my own head is an attempt to make myself different. To stand out. To be recognised.

All in the wrong ways, I'll admit. But it shows the desperate ways ppl go to exalt themselves. Perhaps I'm nothing more than that. A poor soul striving to be more than who she was.

I can't accept myself. That's the problem. And maybe one day I'll come around. But not now. I'm still having too much fun. And the fact that my father is the kind of person he is may have something to do with it.

It's late. Oddly, I dun feel tired. Whenever I'm caught up in my peculiar moods, time means nothing to me. Nor does hunger or thirst. Nothing matters. And I should let it rest now.

Time to sigh and log off now....

Bleed bleed, in the shadows I weep.
Curse me, hate me, wound me deep.
How I wish to fall asleep!

Dig dig, dig my grave.
Under the sea, under the waves.
I have lost, all my faith.

Whip me, drive me, batter me down.
Little else will bring me down.
Come one come all, watch me drown.

Push me, shun me, let me lie.
Broken and battered, living a lie.
Alone in the darkness let me die.

Break me, crush me, ruin my mind.
Listen to the whispers of a shattered mind.
Snarling, gnashing, these demons of mine.

Light and Darkness fade to none,
An endless void, second to none.
Lost and alone, nothing to be done...



And again I prove I'm capable of poetry. The first one that actually rhymed. Go me!! Dun ask how or why I did it. It just popped to mind. Spontaneous talent if you will.

We did an essay in english class today. I picked the topic I liked most: Capital Punishment.

Heh. I've been dying to try it out for ages. To think the teacher was nice enough to set it as one of the choices. I really like my english teacher. At least she teaches well. Unlike some...

Bah. I can't think of anything else worth putting down here. My mind is just wandering out there, not really focused. Oh well.


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When illusions fall away, all that is left is despair.

I've been doing some thinking today. Not too strange actually. I think a lot everyday. Too much, in fact.

Anyway, I found out something abt myself.

I wanted to die before. Still wanted to. But dun worry I'm not gonna do anything foolish. Suicide is dumb.

And not to mention the fact that I'm too much of a coward to die.

I hated my life, wanted to be free of it. Yet I cling on desperately to it for I was afraid.

A coward. That was all I am. All I can be. All I will be.

But harken to my words, I feared death not because of the usual reasons. I didn't mind physical death. What I feared was that my mind would die along with it.

I have never lost consciousness except when I was asleep. The thought of never ever being able to think, to learn, to understand, is a terrifying thought to one who loathes not to let my mind stop working.

Oh well. Life is like that. Maybe one day I will find someone or something strong enough to kill me. Ah well.

Til next time then.

I came into a new, or not so new, realisation today. Why not so new? Well, simply because it has been present in my mind but has never been fully polished before.

Alright, before I start rambling off into the intricate workings of the human mind, let me pursue me original line of thought. Where was I? Oh yes, the single idea being Fear and Desire are what that governs the existence of all.

I'm sure I don't make sense. Some people will probably protest--vigorously--that they are not slaves to fear or desire. Then, pray tell, what is it that makes you eat and sleep everyday?

I know that to some my last question probably makes little or no sense. Let me further elaborate. We eat to live, we sleep to replenish our energy so as to better live our lives. Anyone catching on yet? Well, for the benefit of the unenlightened, here's the explanation.

It is the DESIRE to live. Keyword: desire. (if you didn't notice, go bang your head against some wall now and dun bother coming back here)

Of course, I'm making a sweeping statement about everyone's reasons for eating and sleeping. Well, here's another possible scenario.

FEAR of death. That's what keeps you going.

Of course there also some that may not fall into these categories. Although how that can be possible currently eludes me. For, as far as I have puzzled through so far, curiosity for life is also classified under desire for life. Hatred for life...wait that's a new thought! I have yet to consider that! My god! I'm such a dummy! Hang on while I process this...

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Ok as far as my limited thought processes have allowed me, I have currently determined that to have hatred of life, one usually has had some traumatic experience that either left that person depressed and/or tired of life. Hmm not necessarily traumatic...and perhaps does not have to occur directly onto said person. Seeing something happen to someone else can cause this too, although I'll need further verification on that.

So where does this bring us? Umm well. Hmm. Probably...fear of life? No, the more appropriate word would be distaste. Desire for more...of something better of course. That would be another possibility.

I really need to think about it some more. I will go ponder about this. Til next time!


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When you eliminate fear and desire, what remains? An empty shell...devoid of life.

Hey.

Alternated between Adventurer's Inn and Dragon Quest VI. And I'm goddamned stuck on Adventurer's Inn. *grumble*

The route to the city is blocked. I can't do recall. I can't pray cos I got no deity. I need food to feed my charac. And my water supply is gonna run out on me eventually.

Damn.

There HAS to be a way to wriggle outta this situation. I dun believe there isn't an alternative route out. Unless the programmer didn't expect someone stupid enough to get themselves trapped in that dungeon.

I guess I'm stupid enough. Gah.

Maybe I should ask. After all I can still chat ooc. Hmm. Well it's getting late. Should go to bed. And giggle like hell when recalling that outrageous pairing...

Kazu and Millie. Aka Millieniummon (i think i spelled it wrong). Yeah I know. Cue: *jaw drop*

Hehe. That was THE MOST hilarious idea that author could have come up with. I mean, that is like...the first pairing of its kind? That dude just made history haha. But I think it would make for interesting scenes to have those two married. Kekeke I'm weird. ^__^

Ah well. Should go sleep. My dad isn't happy. He doesn't say it, but I know better. Hmm. K. Will go now. Aish. Bye.


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I fear not the unknown. It's what we DO know that scares me. How can the unknown be any worse?

Hmm. Back. Now what was I going to say...

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Ok fine fine. So I forgot. Who the hell cares anyway? It wasn't anything of consequence. At least I hope. Gawd I'm hopeless... -__-;;;;

I did a very lengthy piece last entry. Hmm. Sometimes it surprises me how much I can spew when I'm in the mood.

I hope I can really stretch my writing skills when it really matters. Damn O levels. But I fail to see how I can extemporize in a boring situation. Hmm. Food for thought I guess.

Like I like to say, it all boils down to luck. I'm luckier than a lot of ppl. It might not seem so, but I really am lucky when you think abt it. I dun really study hard, but what I do remember usually comes up in the exams. If that isn't luck I dunno what to call it.

Hope Lady Luck doesn't desert me for the O levels. I hope. Maybe. Hmm.

Stupid thoughts. Can't come up with anything else. I'm brain dead. Or not. Hmm. Why can't I think of something better? Hmm.

Perhaps I expended too much energy writing the previous post. Hmm. Oh well I'll just stop dwelling upon it here. Not much point.


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It's not what you do. It's how you do it.

I had a date.

No not THAT kind of date. Get real.

Why don't I phrase it more completely? I had a date with the past again.

What past? Oh of course. You wouldn't know.

You know on tv dramas and stuff, sometimes the character has flashbacks. Yeah mine was something like that.

Not that I don't do it once in a while. But this time I went the whole nine yards.

Every word. Every detail. Every tear. Every shred of despair. I relived it again.

I wonder why. Well maybe not. I had a talk today with one of my classmates. Something he mentioned in passing triggered off a dark detail in my mind.

We were told to be nice to you.

Those words. For some reason, they cut through me sharper than any knife. Of course I was younger then. More easily hurt. On retrospect, what I feel now is not despair. Disappointment maybe, but definitely anger. Hatred.

I hated them then. I hate them still. Maybe not as much as that very instant. One cannot hold a white hot hatred forever. Besides, what really hurt me was that I probably deserved it. I gave them a reason to dislike me.

I didn't try hard enough. I gave up on myself. I didn't want to care. And they despised me for it. What they didn't know was that I held them in contempt as much as they did of me, maybe even more. I hated them for being better, being so obedient, for being such perfect little Barbie dolls.

I wasn't perfect. No one is. Did I envy them? Yes and no. I envied them for having good support to study. For having a better life than I did. I didn't envy them for being prettier, for being smarter. Or maybe I'm just lying to myself.

I suppose some ppl would not understand why I felt such pain when those seemingly innocent words were said. Well, its the hidden meaning behind that really wounded me.

The moment I heard those, I felt cold. Frozen from crown to toe. Thoughts like "They were lying to me, all of them", "They hated me, didn't want me around" and the last one, "I didn't belong. Not here, not anywhere"

I felt so lost then. Images of how they smiled at me, helped me, talked to me...suddenly it's like the image shatters. And I could see their reluctance, their distaste behind the smiles. And that's when I felt contempt, hatred, well up in me.

They didn't want me. I don't belong. Those thoughts haunted me. All I knew was that I wanted to get out. Get away from these people. These obedient hounds that were at the beck and call of the higher authorities.

I loathed myself. Deep down I felt that not being accepted was my fault. I was right...mostly. Before I stopped trying, some ppl already disliked me. I never really figured it out. Was it something I said? Was it something I did? Or was it just me? Me being myself? Did my mere existence offend these "high-society" ppl? I would never know.

One day, if I ever see that person again, I will ask her. Why did she hate me so? Why did she always seek to put me down? Why was I made to feel like my contributions were worthless? Why?

I hated being weak like this. I hated to let myself cry. All the world is hostile territory. Only when I'm cloaked by darkness am I truly free to weep, to bare my weakness.

The strong exploit the weak. That is a fact of life. Show weakness, and you will be eliminated by the wolves lying in wait.

But sometimes it is an asset. Showing weakness to bait your opponent into your trap, then counterattack. I will admit that I have pulled this trick b4.

It's a somewhat contemptible practice in the eyes of those ppl who firmly believe in honor. But for someone who only seeks to survive day by day, any advantage should be seized. Because if you don't grab it, someone else will.

I cried before in public. On purpose I'll admit. Perhaps I was playing for pity. I wanted to show them a vulnerable me. That I wasn't completely beyond redemption.

They were fooled. They thought I was a depressed, troubled teen. Which, technically, I was. Still am actually. But they overlooked something.

I may be weak and vulnerable, but underneath all that there was still a very cold fire dancing within. The core of me was cold and diamond hard. Even when I allowed myself to be clouded by my emotions, a part of me retained that cold detachment.

It was this cold detachment that sustains me. My eomtional self would have collapsed without it. I would be nothing, no, worse than nothing, without it.

I once mentioned in my musings that a part of me died at the passing of my mother. When you love someone, a part of you goes to them.

I tried to keep myself from loving. And I mean all kinds of love. Friendship, family, romantic...every single aspect. I didn't succeed...mainly bcos I still loved my father.

I hated my father, but I loved him too. I hated him for being weak, for being such a fool. But he was my father, and I could not bring myself to abandon him.

This weakness of mine has caused me much pain. One of the things I've learned is that it is the ones you love that end up hurting you most. It's similar to the saying, "It takes your enemy and you friend, working together, to hurt you. One to do the deed, another to bring the news of the deed to you."

Ultimately, I ask myself this question. Would I be able to discard any attachments I had to my present company and move on as I always did? The answer?

Yes. I would. I will retain fond memories of them. But I would be able to move on. Like I always do. Running from the past, but always entrenched in them. Odd isn't it?

Time heals all wounds. They were wrong. Time only hides the scars, making them less visible. But the scars will never wholly be gone. You can forget about it, perhaps. But sometimes...it is hard to forget. Hard to let go. Hard to cut loose and run free.

Maybe one day I will be able to break free. Rid myself of all mortal attachments. I rather sit back and observe. Watch the love that exists between some of the rare few. It is so much easier to watch then to be in it. At least your thought will not be clouded.

Fear is the root of all evil. Not money. Maybe "Fear of not having enough money". Hmm. What is evil anyway? It's just a concept. Just like the idea of Good. There is no nice, direct definition of Good. Nor is there an exact formula for being Good.

I always had this theory that what is "good", or socially acceptable, is what the MAJORITY believes in. If everyone says it is so, it has to be right, right? That's the common mentality.

I always had this fascinating mental picture that it was the "good guys" that came scuttling into the world stage first and staked their territory, and thus proclaiming themselves as GOOD. The guys that came later was therefore declared EVIL. And thus the epic struggle begins...

So while I was still chuckling at that image (admit it, its funny from my point of view), a thought came to me. What if the "bad guys" of today were the ones to come first and impose their philosophy on the masses? Won't they be defined as GOOD instead? That got me thinking.

I realise that the very idea is baffling, even incomprehensible, to the person who firmly believes in what is defined as GOOD. But admit it, if you knew nothing and had no opinion about the differences between good and evil (heck you dun even know there WAS a difference), wouldn't you be swayed by the ppl who came first?

I mean, look at this. Both the GOOD and EVIL of today have their supporters. I get the vague impression that due to reasons of social unacceptability, many ppl will not declare their support of certain notions that are classified as EVIL. Especially since those that do are ridiculed and sent for counselling to "bring them back to the right path" (read: brainwashed).

I'm not quite stating my fervent support for ALL evil. I prefer to stay somewhere in between. Mainly bcos I do not completely agree with both sides, instead choosing to believe only a few of the ones that make more sense to me. And of course I dun tell ppl abt it. they will probably go: "How could you even think that someof those EVIL ideas are right?"

Actually, ladies and gentlemen, the reality we have to face is that GOOD AND EVIL ARE BOTH SIDES OF THE SAME THING. There. I said it. The "good guys" have their opinion of how things should be done, and the "bad guys" have their own philosophy. It is probably true that neither is perfect. Yes, all you rabid supporters of GOOD, you aren't perfect ya know.

*dodges rotten eggs and tomatoes while running away from frothing fanatics wielding torches and stakes*

HOLY. It was just an opinion! No need to get violent! And did anyone notice the somewhat subtle hint behind the above emote? *wink*

I always seem to get long and drawn out while ranting abt my idea of good and evil. I should get round to changing that...maybe.

And I'm hungry now. It's dinner time. I'll be back. Later. Much later. Actually I dunno when. Oh hell.

I think it's nuts. What is nuts you ask? Well. Imagine this. I see someone who claims to be totally insane, and instead of feeling either freaked out, or trying to help that person, I laughed.

Yes. Laughed. Why, you ask?

Well. If you saw it, you would too. A real suicidal thing, you would know just by taking a single look at it. The one I saw is written like a comedy.

Another thing. The eyes. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. A really depressed/suicidal/insane person, you can tell. It might not be obvious for some, but for someone like me, it's crystal clear.

Mainly I know the signs. Cos I lived them. Still living it. I hide it better. Mainly cos I can make myself forget. For a while at least. Once in a while, a maniacal gleam shines in my eyes. And I'm not talking abt my fanatic behaviour with BoA. That doesn't count. This one, it's cold, cynical, self-loathing, but yet with a non-suicidal approach to life.

The only person that I allowed to see it was of all people, just a friend of mine. Not my best friend, not my wacky friend, but instead I showed it to the one who was quiet and more understanding. Perhaps it's not that surprising. I trusted her to understand, and maybe she did. Or she didn't. I wouldn't know. But I can trust her not to rat me out, or judge me cos of that. She's a good person.

Maybe one day I will be honest to the world. Or not. Once bitten, twice shy, they say. Cliched, but true. I dun wanna hurt anymore. But I still do. Mainly bcos I still have one single thread of attachment linking me to this world. And there lies the source of my pain. Perhaps one day it will be gone as well. I'm so tired of crying bcos of that single attachment. So tired...

Hmm. The only thing I can say about my change in the layout is that I changed only the color and nothing else. Talk about lame. -____-;;;;

But heck, for someone who doesn't know anymore abt html than I know how to make a nuclear bomb, it's pretty ok. Ok, maybe not just "ok", it was dumb common sense.

Although I'll admit I made several tiny false starts.

But hey, at least I like the color now. Not so bright. Dark is good. ^___^ And the aqua text color is nice, wot? Haha. I planned on using azure, but it didn't seem to have the same effect it did like on my poetry page. So I scrapped it.

I'll need to figure out how to make this blog better in terms of layout and stuff. I oughta get one of those "HTML for Dummies" guidebooks. Lol.

Watch this spot!

Just what is scarier? Someone who acts all suicidal, or the person who festers quietly in that dark corner? I dunno. Do you?

Maybe being suicidal at least lets ppl know that you aren't feeling well, so they can help you. But the person that doesn't speak up doesn't get noticed and therefore doesn't get help. So well...I have some suspicions but will keep them to myself until possible further verification.

Planning to tweak the layout for this blog soon. Might have disastrous consequences, but what the hell. If I dun try I won't know it works right?

Wish me luck.