Aeternus, Eternus

To Battle

To battle, to battle
Into battle we go

Swiftly
        Silently
                 Effort
          For
Infinity

Preparation -123 ABC and obedience training-
Induction -sciences math and arts at back-
Assault Sensation -tests exams and failure feared-

To battle, to battle
On to the fields, the halls

Fervently
          Fearfully
                    Progress
            Into
Posterity

Anticipation -PSLE Os As and honours degree-
Trepidation -worry anxiety and moment of truth eventually-
Graduation -joy relief and sadness trinity-

To battle, oh to battle
On to soaring heights we rise
Into infinity, into posterity, dreams realised

Casuality
           -innocent dreams-
Injury
           -permanent scarring-
Deathtoll
           -unconfirmed accounts-
Victory
           -resounding hollow-

We won, to battle to battle I say
And we lost, but who cares anyway
Infinity remembers only those who lived
And forgets those that fell halfway

To battle, to battle...?

=============================================================================

Yes I'm bitter. My first poem that has anything to do with education and my grouses with it. *gasp* Huimin just wrote something that could be possibly politically and socially sensitive! Applause please!

Haha. Now to battle, to battle I go. Last paper tomorrow. Heh.

Suga Shikao has a totally hot voice.

Yeah well, listening to 19sai does that to me.

And Kanai, it's all your fault for sending me that song.

Lol.

And let's not get into how perverted the MV is for that song. No matter how much me and Kanai were fascinated (although disturbed) by it. Yeah, we felt mildly disturbed. Us. Can you imagine? I wonder what it will do to the innocents. Lol.

On topic of hot voices though, I think Kitagawa Keiko has a hot voice. No doubt she can't sing worth crap, but that doesn't change the fact that I like the way her voice sounds. Ehhh. Whatever. I'm weird...

And yes, Takagi Nao sounds wonderful as Haruka in the Seramyu. Ahhh. I like husky voices like that. Hmmm.

Strangely, Ayaka's voice would actually annoy me if it came from anybody else. It's too "cutesy" for my tastes...normally. But its her, and somehow I think I like her better for it. I can't seem to get Venus out of my head. Especially that climatic scene where she squares down with Kei-chan (she acts as Rei XD) and then says:

"...You do not understand the gravity of our mission!"

And storms off, leaving poor old Rei staring after her with a conflicted expression.

God, that look on Ayaka's face when she says that line. Gaaah. Pain, frustration, determination, loneliness, desperation...you name it, its there. Whatever lah. Yes I'm weird. I'm always attracted to people who have issues. Damn.

"I can't remember the last time I laughed so happily."

Poor thing really. And yes, I love her outfit in that episode. Ah damn.

And I just adore Katagoshi ni Kinsei. The first half of the song is just so...so...haiz. My favorite line from there is, strangely:

Zutto zutto suki dakara
Namida wa misenai

The translation is: "Because I'll love you forever and ever/ I won't show you my tears". I like the way the japanese version sounds on the song, and yes, I knew approximately what the first line meant before I went looking for the translation. Too much anime watching gives one a rough idea of what some phrases mean. Though I'm no expert at that certainly.

Ok enough sappiness.

Oh great, 19sai came back on. Sigh. *eye twitches*

I'm getting goosebumps of the totally wrong kind lol. Yes yes, Suga really really sounds hot. Damn. Especially in light of what I do know of the music video and of the lyrics.

Oooh I'm at the part with the "mad flashes", or so Kanai has termed that part. Seriously though, the video's pretty symbolic hmm. Never mind. *cough*

Alright gotta go. Cya.

Completely random thought here.

Just felt that Mirror Stranger could easily be describing PGSM's Minako/Rei pairing. O___o I didn't even think along those lines until AFTER I finished.

And yes, the poem would be from Rei's POV. Hello, she's the one doesn't remember Minako, not the other way round. *cough*

Strange how I was originally thinking about myself when I was just bustling my way through the composition of the poem. Ah well, randomness is better than being forced. Hehe. Some of my best stuff come from randomness (Moonlit Destiny comes to mind o__o).

Heck, even Dream or Memory? was completely random, based on the single scene of the stabbing. Yeah, I built a whole story simply because I wanted to write about someone betraying his friend and then stabbing him in the back, literally. What can I say? I have a weird mind.

Anyway, gotta go. Poetry can wait. XD

Mirror Stranger

I saw you once
Saw you twice
Saw you three times by my side
Front, back and over again.

Who are you stranger?
Your smile haunts my mind
I see your eyes late at night
Looking back, away, right through me.

I felt I knew you once before
Couldn't place where it was I saw
I know you know me well and true
But I just can't remember you.

Why the sadness in your face?
You aren't made to cry
That much I remember, that much I know
Your smile was all that I felt again that night.

I knew it couldn't be forever
I knew it wouldn't last
You came, left, and took my heart with you
Fallen in love with a mirror stranger.
================================================================

Was trying to freestyle in an attempt to clear my head. And yes, the term "mirror stranger" has a pun in it...very obscure pun, but ironic if you didn't know me. If you knew about me it would just be amusing. Heh.

Still, not too bad for 10 minutes' work.

I will not run away, I will not run away, I will not run away.

Cos I felt like running as far as I could from this goddamned place.

Please say you will still talk to me after you leave.

I won't stop you because you are doing what I wished I could do.

I won't run away...I can't...just, can't......

I wish I had the courage to leave.

To start over. To stop being me. The me that is weak and indecisive and lazy. The me who is unmotivated and depressed by my circumstances.

Maybe it's time to start making plans for what happens if I screw up my A levels.

I forgot something.

Criticism should be used as a tool to build up a person stronger and better than before, not as a tool to tear them down mercilessly, with no hope of revival.

A piece of advice everyone should take. I learnt that, strangely, through one of my vices. Odd how an activity considered as a cardinal waste of time can be so terribly educational in the world of wisdom.

Destiny could not be read. In the calm of the night, she accepted that fact, bore with amazing fortitude that the sword of Damocles could fall in judgment any time---or even by pure chance. Life, in all its myriad forms, was a fickle mistress, colluding with Death---brother, lover, enemy, revelling in the circus of humanity.

Proving that even someone as unworthy as me is capable of moments of inspired genius.

Not to judge, not to criticise. To simply be. An existence in itself.

Can you? I challenge you. All of you.

See you at the End of Time. --Ends of the World



Someday my tombstone will read:
See you on the other side
If there is one.

It's official.

I have a best friend!

Lol.

And of all people, it just had to be the one I've never met before.

No offense Kanai, but don't you think its awfully ironic? We've forged a really strong friendship despite not having met each other in real life, but somehow it works. Like you said yourself, we click because we understand each other...you said it was because on some level, you were a younger version of me, so it sticks.

Somehow I find that conclusion disturbing. Wouldn't you? I mean, if you're a younger version of me, isn't it disturbing to see what you might become in the future? Especially with someone like me......o___o;;;

Part of the whole best friend dynamic between us must be the fact that we know that we're both weird, but it doesn't bother us, and we're always willing to listen to whatever weirdness the other can come up with. Everything from the insane (dopplegangers and all) to the obsessed (Hyori) and the best of all, the philosophy (time travel and multiple world theory anyone?).

It's just the things we can talk about. Even when we don't have anything to talk about, we somehow make up a topic and go with it. Sometimes that can be an incredibly morbid path to tread upon, but its fun with company. More fun than going it alone, definitely.

On some level we're almost like sisters, a conclusion that stems from her pointing out that she's almost like a younger version of me. She's one of the very few, and by very few I really mean very VERY few, like counting on one hand few, people whom I trust to come back if we're ever separated.

Let's see who's on this list. My dad's one of them. No matter how he rants and raves about how he's going to leave and never come back, I know that at the end of the day, no matter how late, he will return. It's part of being a parent I guess.

Erika is the next. Despite my innate worrying that she'll be different when she comes back, that our friendship will be changing because we're growing up and into different people, I somehow know that she'll come back. Even if we become different people due to our experiences, and our friendship never the same again because we've grown somewhat apart, but I know she'll at least come back to resolve everything if it ever comes to that breaking point. I'm not sure why I trust her that way, but it might have something to do with the fact that she was my first real close friend. She came very close to being that best friend position that went to Kanai, but there's reason why that never worked. A reason I think I won't disclose here. I might talk to Kanai about it though, she might help me understand it better.

And then there's Kanai. Yep, a grand total of 3 people I trust enough to come back. Damn me and all my insecurities, but that's the way I work.

It's strange really. Suddenly I really empathise with Makoto from PGSM. All her life she had people walk in and then subsequently walk out. Nobody ever came back for her, and nobody actually stayed for her. I think my personal insecurity stems from, you've guessed it, my mother's death. Having someone who was effectively the center of your world suddenly die on you creates a kind of fear that eventually everybody leaves you.

After awhile I kinda got used to the idea...to the point that everyone I meet, every new friend I make, I expect them to leave after some time. Basically, just passing in and out of my life. You know, typical acquaintances and such. That's why I'm terrified of making attachments to other people. I don't want to be disappointed when they leave.

I suddenly had a strange, stray thought. I really, really hate being alone. Despite all my bravado on how I'm always alone, that I'm used to it and blah, I really, truly hate feeling alone and unloved, or unnoticed, for that matter. It's a human thing. Damnit.

In light of new self-realisation, I just realised that I'm alone because I'm afraid of being alone. Weird huh? Ok, maybe I should modify the sentence to make it make more sense.

I'm alone because I'm afraid of being left alone.

Does that help any? Well, if it didn't, too bad.

No matter how used to it I get on people leaving me in general, it still hurts on some level, especially if I liked the person and would at least want to still keep in some vague contact.

In time, I just expect most people to leave. I understand that nobody can stay with me 24/7 just to calm my insecurities. Which is why I plan never to go into a relationship with anybody. Date, maybe. Relationship, no. Because the signs are all there.

Signs of what, you might ask. Why, signs of my insecurity of course! Given the kind of personality I have, if I ever embarked on a serious relationship with anybody, there's a high possibility of me turning into the Possessive Psycho Girlfriend from Hell. I rather not got through that experience, or put anybody else through that experience either. Just thinking of it now gives me the creeps already.

Ugh. I feel ill just having brought up the mere possibility of myself as a clingy, unstable girfriend. That just reinforces my resolve never to get involved seriously with anybody. No matter how much my heart wants me to, because I know love can make one do weird things, but for the sake of my sanity and that unlucky chap's, it's better if I just stayed single.

Of course, the best laid plans never tend to work out when faced with the enemy. Oh well, I'll make it up as I go I guess. That's what I've been doing all of my 2nd life. Heh.

On the matter of my insecurities, it's bad enough that even if someone I'm expecting to meet at a certain time fails to show up on time, or at least within 10 minutes of the appointed time, I start to inwardly panic that something must have gone wrong and that they're abandoning me. Yeah, it's a bit foolish that way, but it doesn't stop me from feeling it whenever that situation occurs. Although I always pretend everything's alright. Ah well, now that I put it here, they should know better than to be late when we're scheduled to meet. Not that I'm one to talk myself, considering that I'm never, strictly speaking, on time. I'm either very early, or very late. *cough*

My cousin called me 3 weeks ago. She quit her job *gasp* and is now travelling with her evangelist husband to spread the faith I guess. I think of all the people (after my mom) that has left me, both literally and figuratively, her departure was the most painful.

I used to really cling to her as a child, you know, when I was around 11 or 12 years old. Because right after the fallout from my mom's passing, my dad wasn't in any condition to attend to me, so she did. I can't really remember what we did last time, but I remember having a lot of fun staying over at her house on weekends. Now that I think of it, part of why I went to church and accepted the faith was because I wanted to please her I guess.

I used to really admire her, and I do respect her, and fear her on some account. She was really strict before, but she loosened up over the years. I remember after that incident with the umbrella when I was 14, we drifted apart, because I was on self-destructive mode and was singlehandedly wrecking my own scholastic career. Even though she was the one who finally helped me to transfer to QSS, I found it hard to trust her the way I did before. Not to mention than my mind by then was beginning to shake free of the cloud that obscured it before, and I was emerging and growing into the person I am currently, and the ideals and principles I had were so very radically different from hers, although I never actually told her about it. It's not something that can be talked about, not anymore anyway.

We were already drifting apart by then. I spent age 15-16 in the "wilderness", so to speak. I didn't go back to church, and I didn't see her unless it was unavoidable. Although I actually went back towards the end of my 16th year, and was (un)pleasantly surprised to know that she had a good friend now. Somehow I felt usurped by that other presence. It's a childish thing I know, but I guess I'm a bit possessive that way (another reason why I should never commit to relationships).

I'm surprised why I don't feel that way with my dad now though. I know I felt that way with his first few girlfriends though. I read the blog archives. *cough* Lol. And I do distinctly remember an incident when he blew off a planned outing and handed me $20 to go out on my own because he wanted to spend time with his "friend". I was insulted. And angry that he would think of just shoving me aside by handing me money. Not that I mind anybody handing me money. It's just that...never mind.

But now? I don't really care. He can date multiple people at the same time for all I care. As long as he does his job of providing for the family, I don't care about his love life. Oh, I can sugarcoat my opinion by saying that I understand that he needs companionship in his old age, and that I won't be petty and stop him from seeing other people. Because, honestly, I don't care. As long as he is sensible (as sensible as he can ever be that is. men.) enough to date someone who won't con him of his money (he's done it before, and did it again a second time despite the first warning experience. so sue me for being paranoid). Mainly because I'm worried about me. If he gets cheated of his money (not to mention his feelings, but you can't eat feelings can you?), he takes it out on me, and he forces me to lend him money. Speaking of money, he still owes me a few grand. Gah.

If I know you people, and I think I do, most of you would be horrified/disgusted by what I've just said and you would be contemptous of me and my behaviour. Well, screw you too. Who says I gave a damn about whether YOU approve of me anyhow?

That paragraph above doesn't apply to Kanai naturally. I know her well enoug to know that she won't be bothered, since we've talked about it before, and if my people reading skills are any accurate, she feels the same way about her dad...well, in a lot less favorable terms than the way I view mine, that's for sure. But then again, she's fully justified in her opinion, from what she has related to me thus far.

Suddenly I have this really weird urge to be mean. As in, for real. School is starting, and I suppose I could use a different attitude. I'm sick and tired of being nice and passive and playing the victim. I can be a wolf, a wounded one though. One that will snap at anyone who tries to get close. No more little nice girl. Ok I'm just weird now. Never mind.

Run with me. I said that to someone once. I wonder if he forgot. Maybe this time I should take the first step. Or maybe not. I did say that we would run together, but I never said that I would babysit him. Or that he should babysit me for that matter. I promised I would be there if he ever needed me. Well, he hasn't looked me up. So I have no freaking idea if he needs me anyway.

A better friend would take the initiative to find out. Well I'm not a better friend. Maybe I will ask him eventually. But not now. Not when I haven't sorted out the mess that is my life. I have enough problems without martyring myself for those of my friends. I'm not that noble, and I won't pretend to be.

Last word though. If you need someone to talk to, you can just call me, damnit. Don't be an idiot and do the whole angst-emogoth ritual of "I'm alone and nobody cares". I know because I did the same damn thing. And yes we're both idiots. You more so, because you've seen what I've done and you're still doing it anyway. No I'm not mincing my words and I don't care if you're offended. Because I'll give you hell if you make me break a promise I actually want to keep. You're fucking with your own head right now, and I don't like it. So talk already. Psssht.

And no monosyllabic replies too. Or gothy cliched lines either. Because I will hurt you if you do that. Badly. I can too, so try me if you don't believe it.

Ok I'm getting upset. Bye.

I realised that my last post could possibly make it onto my Broken Shards story arc. It has potential...hmm...

Thinking of starting another separate blog for AU-ness though.

And AU means Alternate Universe. I have some ideas that just wouldn't fit in the Broken Shards arc.

I have some really morbid ideas for my latest entry there. Ah well. It fits in the general continuum. Such is the way my poor perverse mind works.

Amusingly, I realise that this blog is acting as a convenient marker as a sort of footnotes to my life. Like a tome of my history...starting from February 14 2004. Cos that's when I started this. Hehe.

It checks the shifts of my mentality. From teen angst and insecurity to, well, more angst and more insecurity. Lol

The more we change, the more we stay the same. I guess that's where the saying comes into play. Painfully. Vividly. Hah....

I can't even say that I'm angsty. Angst has nothing on me. To put it simply, I am not angsty, damnit! Lol.

It's like a role I play. A comfortable character that I pull on just for old time's sake. Probably because its just so easy to play the part of a poor, confused, angry teenager. Actually, I'm running out of time for the teenager role. Sigh.

Well it's all cool really. Other than the fact that I have weird fantasies. Hmm. Like when I woke up today with a vivid image of...umm...mebeinginanintimatepositionwithanotherwoman.

*cough* The worst part? I actually know the other person in that dream. Like, wtf, seriously. I did not need more confusion in my life. Heck, I don't even have any experience with lesbian sex. How can I even dream about it??? o___o

And that's not even forgetting about the time where I dreamt about how I ridded my computer of a virus. I don't even know how to do that. But in my dream, I had a perfectly logical method to getting rid of the virus. Sigh. Me and my all-too-close-to-reality dreams.

Weird. I think I'll go read that Minako/Hotaru fic now. Hmm, come to think of it, it's rather obvious why I can have vivid erotic dreams, considering my choice of reading material. Sigh. Just, just, why HER??? As if I wasn't in enough trouble already....lol....

Help me.

I don't want to be alone anymore.

It hurts so much.

Onee-san? Can you help me?

Hai, little one. I'll hold you tight, for just awhile. That's all I can do.

Thank you . You're so nice...

If only you knew princess. If only you knew.

It hurts so much. Do you know how much it hurts big sister?

Hai, I do. All too well little one, all too well.

Why do I have to be alone? It's so very cold.

Don't cry princess. Not now.

I won't big sis. I won't. I'll be brave, like you are too.

Yes, you have to be brave. I'm not brave at all.

Ne, are you cold too big sister?

Not now. Not when I'm holding you like this.

You are so strong. I want to be just like you.

Don't. Don't ever be like me, understand? You must NEVER be like me.

...hai...you're scary now big sis...

...I'm sorry princess. Sorry for scaring you.

I'll listen to you. I won't be like you. But I want to be strong too!

There are other ways to be strong. Just don't pick mine.

Why not?

Because...because...it's not healthy.

Does it hurt you too? Being strong like that.

Not that much. It hurts like hell. More than you could ever know. More than I'll ever let you know.

But its not good?

Not very.

Then why do you do it? You should stop.

Because I have to. ...I have to protect you.

Oh...hey big sis, will you always be here for me?

Always, as long as you want me to be.

Yay! You will always be with me! You're a wonderful person!

Of course dear. I'll be there for you, no matter what. You won't be alone.

I love you big sis. You're great.

No, I'm not. Hai, princess. Sleep now.

Hmm...k! *snuggle*

Sleep tight... So innocent..don't lose that innocence...

...hmm...don't...leave... *mumble*

I won't. Never.

Because you're all I have left to protect. All that I live for. Without you, there would have been no need for me to exist. I live only to protect you. There is no me, only you...

...because you are the only one who's real, who has any meaning. I live to keep you safe. I won't let anyone or anything hurt you.

Because you're my past, present and future. Because you're my everything.

My angel. My innocence. My soul.

Be safe, and sleep well.

Still not here.

You see, we fight, you get angry, I make you think I haven’t listened to a word, and we both storm off," She shrugged, unable to suppress her smile, "Why break with tradition?"

They won't be here. She won't be here.

"I always listened to you. I just never let you see it."

I never did. Never had anyone to.

"......so, what now?"

I wonder, I wonder. Do you want to know what I wonder?

"Now I go step onto a plane. And think about how I wish I done things differently, both times around," She bluntly stated, "and when I’ve finished finding myself out there, I’ll come back, and I’ll be the friend you all deserve. I’ll be the friend you deserve."

In the end, I never had anyone to wait for anyway.

"…Past, present, and future."

Somehow over the night I realised something.

Of all the friends I've had, and by that I mean those that I actually count AS friends, I don't really expect most of them to be there. As in, if we don't see each other for ages and ages, I don't expect there to be really there anymore.

Kanai is an obvious exception. To this day I still don't understand it. We have never met. Our only connection is via online messaging and once, a video call. Somehow, she waited 2 years during my internet exile. Somehow, I came back, and after the initial awkwardness (since 2 years does several things to one's personality), we're back to normal again...or as normal as we ever were.

Somehow, at the back of my mind, I just know that friendships don't last forever, and I don't expect them to. Probably because I don't make them last long enough. Because I don't try to keep the friendship intact. As everyone who knows me should know (and if they don't, I'm telling them now), I never take the first step. Never. I can't remember the last time I took the first step for virtually anything, except when in group activities and nobody wants to take up the dirty job, in which case I usually end up volunteering because I can't stand the wishy washiness anymore.

That's probably why friendships (with the usual exception) don't last long with me. I just don't take the step to preserving it. Probably because I'm always ready to run away than fix things. No I don't really stop when it comes to punching myself with all these observations. Probably because on some level I enjoy punishing myself. Yes, I might actually turn out to be a BDSM fanatic in the closet. Who knows? I'll tell you when I find out for real...if I ever get lucky, maybe.

Friends. Watching PGSM (yes I got the whole series and watched it in two days. fear me!) and the whole cheesy routine of having to "awaken the power of the Senshi within" is a bit...hmm. But it has interesting implications when you see what each of the senshi are missing.

Usagi's awakening doesn't really count. She's the Princess, her situation's different.

Ok, so we start with Rei. She was missing trust. She could not put trust in people after the way her father betrayed her by abandoning her to the temple when she was only 5. It makes it hard for her to trust in other people, to believe that they can do things for her, to ask for their help. Sounds ridiculously familiar really. I won't elaborate, because if you can't get the hint after reading the rest of my blog, what the heck are you still doing here? New readers don't have to be offended if they don't get it though.

Then Ami. Personally I think she lacked confidence in herself and her abilities. The only talent she thought she had was in studying, and she threw herself into it. She lived for the approval of her mother, never daring to step out of bounds or actually think of what she wants for herself. I guess she just lacks the courage to believe that she can be good at other things other than studying (or battling youma as a senshi). Poor Ami. She really got shunted to the side in character development in PGSM. I mean, other than the Dark Mercury arc, we don't get much character development out of her except for the rare glimpses.

Makoto next. I guess hers was that she believed that she could never be anything but alone. That she was meant to be alone, due to the experiences in her life, where her parents died, and people generally walked in and out of her life without actually staying to care for her properly. Until she realised that she was NOT alone (thanks to Motoki), she could not awaken her power. Again, damn familiar. Haha.

Ahhhh!! Minako-chan next!!! *huggles Venus plushie* Yes I love Venus, mostly because she is so darn cool in PGSM. Sigh. Her problem, in this case, is that she was fighting to die. Yes, you saw that right. The fact that she had a terminal illness was weighing her down, and all she saw was death in her future, which is exactly WHY she was so focused on her past life's mission. I mean, hello, if all you can see in the future is you dying, I think the past looks a lot better in comparison. She lived for the past, and had no hope for the future, which is why she could not awaken her powers. Until episode 46 (ahhh the redemption episode!!), and with some help from episode 40 (my fav episode!!! kyaa!!), she finally realises that even if she dies from that terminal illness, she will not be forgotten. That she has reason to live in the present, and to fight for her future to live as Aino Minako, and not just Sailor Venus. Now I might be biased, but I think her awakening was the coolest...although Jupiter's one was fairly impressive (calling storm clouds and drawing the lightning down? wicked cool!).

And then Toei went ahead and got poor Mina killed off in the very next episode. Damn you Toei! Damn you!!

Although Rei's reaction was rather satisfying. Her agonised scream of Minako's name was a defining moment. It's a bit hard to deny the fact by then that Mars and Venus share a closer connection than the other senshi. As if the lesbian subtext wasn't strong enough in all those other episodes. Seriously. You can just cut the tension between those two with a knife. And Rei breaking down and crying even more than Usagi did (and who's the bigger Minako fan hmm?)...sheesh, if it still ain't obvious, you must be blind.

But I suspect that the whole Minako/Rei thing in PGSM is like overcompensating for the lack of Haruka/Michiru. After all, what is the Sailor Moon franchise without the obligatory lesbian couple? Kidding, just kidding. XD

I noticed a few plotholes along the way. Plot holes that could easily be filled with a fanfic....no, now is not the time for any extended project on some fanfic. Haha. I have a few good ideas though...and I am going to stick the Outers in by hook or by crook if I ever get down to writing a full length PGSM fic. Seriously. I was missing Haruka and Michiru quite badly. And Setsuna. And Hotaru. Ah wtf, I miss the whole set of Outers. They're just so much fun. Teehee.

Now that I've collected the whole set of PGSM...what's next? Collecting all 5 seasons of the anime? Or going after the Seramyu? O___o What a long way to go....

I have the whole series of WHR, and now PGSM. Planning to get Pretear. And Wolf's Rain, eventually. I might just go and grab DN Angel (Daisuke/Riku forever!! *cough*). And maybe, just maybe, I should collect Evangelion. I already have Kiddy Grade on boxset. And I could get SKU off Fionna. Sigh, anime collecting is harder than I thought...hmm...

I watched a couple of episodes of Angelic Layer, not too bad, but nothing really spectacular. You get the whole been-there-done-that vibe. But its pretty cute. Haha.

Anyway, I gotta go shower. Cya!

Stuck in The Room.

Bleh.

It's SH all over again.

I can't reach out to him. And he won't reach out to me. Somehow it still works.

Note to Konks: Why is it that we both have carbon copy male bastards of ourselves? Damnit.

A familiar irritation really.

I'm not even angry. Or should I just quote that funky guy whose essay on SH I was reading and say something about being repudiated by the walls of another person's heart?

Blah blah...the subconscious...blah blah blah...reality...blah blah...hallucinations...blah blah blah...illusions...blah blah...guilt...blah blah blah...monsters who are really people...blah blah...

I'm talking about an analysis on Silent Hill, the game. It's really fascinating how much work some people put into analysing the events, the situations, the characters...EVERYTHING. But I'm suitably impressed. A lot of thought has gone into it. And I find myself agreeing with a lot of the theories...probably because I haven't actually played the game myself to draw my own conclusions.

Anyway, I'm not going to go into any extended point at this moment. Just that, is what we are seeing really reality? Or is it just some other person's reality, passed on down through the ages?

Already I can feel the beginnings of an idea for a story building in my head. Life sucks for someone like me. Ah well. Ja ne!

Couldn't have put it better myself.

And Chaos asks.

Is that even anatomically possible?

By mutual consent we decided not to find out.

And yes, this is one of the times where the line, What the fuck was that?!, would be strangely appropriate...

But we agreed that it was a most educational experience, although one that we would not care to repeat again in the near future, if at all.

Isn't life grand that way?

And it becomes so easy to let it fall away.

Locked in a glass cage.

Curled up in false sleep, defensive.

The tower of cards shudders with every breath.

Watching as sanity passes by.

Isolation deliberately chosen, brutally enforced.

Quiet.

Time drips past, reason gushes through.

And the threads that hold us together fade away.

Why won't it go away? I'm scared. No, I'm not. We're not so very different. I feel my sanity slipping. Block by block they fall apart, away, and crumble to dust and ashes. I can't see them anymore. And I don't want to. I can't take that first step, and neither will they. And then when the time comes we all smile and say hi, playing that foolish game of love, life and friendship. I wont go forward, but I can't go back. Stuck in an impasse, watching. Joy and pride an alien memory. Somehow it all seems so irrelevant. We can't go back anymore. And I can't move forward, because I'm not there, not without you. It feels so easy to let go, when there is no reason to cling on. I said, that is how it is now, that's how it always has been, and that's how it always will be. I made it this far on my own, and will keep going until I fall apart, and we will see the lies and tears and truth that sought to tear me apart when that happens. Despite everything, despite all that surrounds me, I am still alone. Inevitably, irrevocably so. I can't bind others to me, nor bind myself to others. That is selfish. In the end, we all die alone. Life made me alone, and I chose to be alone. It shapes me, grew with me, made me who and what I am. What I was, a forgotten memory. I do not remember that person I used to be. And it no longer matters, not anymore, not in a future where brother rises against brother, where the child strikes back at the father, and all the world falls into chaos over money, power and fear. There is much beauty in the world, despite all that threatens to rend us apart, and that's what keeps me alive, to see these things, touch them, admire them. But not with them, oh no, that would spoil their grace, their elegance. There is beauty in a great many things. Beauty in power, beauty in nature, beauty in compassion. There is also beauty in chaos, beauty in destruction, beauty in pain. All these are beautiful, just different kinds of them. And it unites us, drives us apart, and we let them, because we don't know better, can't see anything else beyond what we have, and I suppose it is alright, for we don't need them, those who cannot see. I don't need them, for I've always been alone. Even as a child, always alone, caught up in a fantasy, unfit to live and compete in the real world. But is it all real? We question that, every generation, every century, every eon, and yet there is still no answer. And perhaps there is no answer. I choose to be alone, because it strengthens me, keeps me sane, keeps me alive, helps me to breathe. Because if I let them in it hurts all too much, drowns me in empathy, love, compassion. And it's just so much easier not to feel, not to feel the touch of pity, taste the bitterness of jealousy, of betrayal. Not to leave myself vulnerable, but in my solitude I am all the more vulnerable to that game of lies and manipulation, both harder and easier to break, and so much more difficult to put back together, because there is nothing left to repair in that cruel game of truth and lies. And yet I'm still safe from it, because the hunter has not set me in its sights, saw no reason to, for in my solitude I became invisible to those who stalk the hunting grounds, with nothing to catch their eyes. And I'm grateful, for once, for that simple presence I have that draws little attention as long as I keep my mouth shut and my actions quiet. But I want them to break me, want someone to break me, leave me broken, hurt, vulnerable. Teach me what it means to let go, to feel, to be vulnerable again. Sometimes, pain can be an astonishingly good teacher, reminding us that we're human, agonising nerve by agonising nerve, the pain serving to remind us that we can feel, can breathe, can think, can be alive, that we're not just puppets, emotionless dolls going through the motions. Pain is real, and it is educational. Happiness is far too easily taken for granted, and thus less effective as a teacher. I want to break open that shell around me, or else I will die without ever having lived, yet I fear. Fear that leaving the shell would make me vulnerable, but truth is, is the egg not vulnerable as well? Questions, so many of them, yet can't be answered. Will not be answered. What is it then, that leads me back to this path again and again, where I flagellate myself, punish myself, torture and brutalise, all down that familiar path of lies and deceit, of tempting sin and leading into madness and chaos. And I love it and hate it because it is all too easy to lose myself in that vortex, all too easy to give up control over the dark half, and I hate it and hate it because it keeps me from love, life and sanity. But I keep going down that road again and again, willingly drowning myself in sin and tears of blood, drinking of the bitter brew of regret, delighting in and repudiated by the musky scent of guilt and hatred. Oh how I love to soak in these quagmire, leaping into the heart of the maelstrom, sticking a foot into quicksand, tempting fate, playing with dangerous stakes. And I stake it all out at the poker table, everything I have and more, always the usual stakes, never more, never less. The usual stakes, of sanity, of life, of future and happiness all rolled into one. I staked myself, because that is all I have left. In the end, in the end, the end, the end, all I have is myself and nothing else. And no one needs me, because I don't need them. I don't want to need them, so I keep pushing, playing that game. Like an elegant dance, back and forth, foils thrusting in succession, quick volleys and rapid ripostes, never ending, thrust to the heart for a point, and begin again. And isn't it all beautiful, the psychedelic colors wrought by sin and chaos and that delightful condition known as insanity. Abstract art for fools. And fool I am, for I play a mindless game with no prize, and no end in sight. I don't need some old, moldy book telling me that. I have always known, ever since I've begun to play. ANd I don't want the light, that redeeming light, to clean away the dirt over my grubby form. I rolled in the mud for that dirt, I needed it, a marker of my sins. I don't want to be clean, can't stand to be clean, because I feel so unworthy, and as all unworthy ones are, covered with muck and silt, outcast. I harbor no illusions of salvation, of a gentle, redeeming light. I harbor no hopes of rising from the ashes, no hopes of reclaiming glory---if it had ever been mine or there in the first place. I was fallen, am fallen, maybe had always been, never in a high place, living down in the lower castes, enviously looking up yet knowing that we could never reach. No angel, no devil, just a simple unwanted object displacing air. But it's all good, because I know. At least I know. And oh how I much don't want to. But it's all too late. You can't take knowledge away. It's too late for me, but not for the rest of you. Live, like you have never before. Live, because I can't. Live, so I can watch you, and hate you for it. Because I need to hate you, because the alternative is love, and I can't do that, not now, not forever. So please, live well and happily, so I can despise you. My sanity rests on it. Please?

I was surprisingly productive yesterday, writing two stories in succession. Let's just say late-night brainstorming sessions are very effective, shall we?

I never realised just how much I enjoy fucking with people's minds. Using my stories naturally. I'll live the practical approach to Kanai. She can manipulate people with the best of them. Sigh. Lol.

Kanai commented that my stories all explore the same few themes. I'm not surprised. I'm writing about what I know, and being that I'm only 18, I still haven't had sufficient life experience to write well about anything else. I know about pain and loss, so that's what I write. I know about despair and betrayal, so I focus on that. I know about psychological games, so I tinker with that too.

I don't understand love, so I don't write about it. Well, anything beyond unfufilled desire and a sick love is beyond my current capabilities. And trust me, I know a lot about unfufilled desires. Considering I have a serious case of that...and my friends also have the self same problem (well those who chose to tell me about it that is).

I like bizzarre, sick, disgusting things. It fascinates me. I like experimenting with unusual themes. I think I'll try my hand at writing incest one of these days. Yeah I've been too much into Angel Sanctuary and SKU. Sigh. But it's fun to explore the ethics of forbidden love, yes? Not that I've actually had any experience with it, but its fun to think about it.

So far I've written one limey scene, not quite a lemon though. I don't think I'm actually comfortable with writing that, at least not without practical experience, which at this point of time I most assuredly do not have.

What else? Psychological trauma is fun. I want to study that, if just to add depth to character development. I've come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as a person without issues. Everybody has issues with something or about something. It's only how well they hide it, or how much they allow it to affect them. We all have issues. That's the way life works.

Hedgehog's Dilemma. Very fascinating. Yes I'm off on a tangent, but so what? My thoughts are even more convoluted than the samples I put on display here. It can swing between extremes within seconds. What can I say, I'm a girl. Haha.

Anyway I gotta go now. I'm feeling weird again. Bye.

It's amazing how an otherwise peaceful song can sound angry when one is in the right mood.

Just like when one is sexually aroused, everything and anything around you seems to carry a sexual connotation...

Our mind warps reality through the lenses with which we view the world. The tint is influenced by our emotions, our outlooks, and no two people can look through the exact same lenses to see the exact same thing...with all the subtle cues our minds give us when confronted with a situation.

Why do I fight? Why do I live? Why am I doing what I'm doing?

Just finished watching episode 12 of Evangelion. I really like the 3 pilots of the Evas. Shinji, because he reminds me of myself. Asuka, because underneath that arrogant bratty behaviour, she's just as sad and angry at the world...and she's lonely. Rei, well, I pity and admire her both at the same time, because she doesn't make pretenses. She simply is, and perhaps, that makes her the most human of us all. Because she is herself, she does not lie and never bothers to make anything better or worse than it really is.

The reason we fight...

Shinji simply wants his father to acknowledge him, praise him, care for him, love him. That is why he pilots his Eva, puts himself in danger. All simply because he desires recognition from that one person. The rest don't matter, as long as his father acknowledges his existence.

Asuka claims to fight because she wants to showcase her skills. That's a lie, obviously. She fights because she has to, to extinguish the demons that live inside her. With every battle, every competition, every Angel she kills, she's battling her own personal demons. The demons her mother gave her, her poor insane mother who had an obsession over dolls and neglected her own daughter, thinking that the dolls were her children, her Asuka. Asuka's fighting against herself, piloting the Eva to prove a point to herself, that she is more than a doll, that she's worth something...just to erase the pain of her mother's betrayal, to forget the abandonment, losing to some doll. That's probably why she seems to dislike Rei so much, probably because Rei acts like an emotionless doll who does what she is told to do.

Rei...she fights simply because that is all she knows. She was raised in Nerv to fight the Angels, she has no other purpose. And she knows that. Yet she doesn't complain, even though she technically has the most right to protest her circumstance. She has never been given any choice to back out of her position as a pilot, and from her view, she has no reason to, because that was what her sole purpose in life was for. For that I respect her, and pity her, because her life as such is no more than a living weapon, a puppet of Nerv. And considering the number of clones waiting to replace her if she dies, the term 'puppet' is even more appropriate. In short, Ayanami Rei is no more than a doll, and that's why Asuka hates her, and why Shinji wishes to protect her as well (even if he doesn't know why), because Rei was created from a sample of Shinji's mother Yui's DNA. And Shinji does have a bit of a Oedipal complex (long story, has to do with one of the later episodes *cough*).

Watching them I wonder, what am I? I am not a doll. I cannot not make pretenses like Rei does. I am not like Asuka, fiercely competitive, trying to prove a point to everyone, most importantly, herself. I am not quite as passive as Shinji is, but I come pretty damn close at certain points.

Sometimes I feel angry, a burning hatred, rage. Yet I keep a cool front, some might say cold. I lie, smile, laugh, hiding the rage. Rage at the world, at humanity, at myself. So much so that I don't remember what it feels like to be angry anymore. What does it mean to be angry? I know irritation, but I don't know anger anymore. You smile, laugh, pretend...and then you forget what it means to feel, because you are hiding and the emotions are somewhere down there and you can't reach them and now we're wondering what does it mean? I don't know don't know don't know anything anymore.

What is anger? I know sadness...intimately. Until it no longer has meaning. Sadness is simply a state, somewhere I retreat to when I feel under pressure. It is cool, comforting, like amniotic fluid in the womb. I no longer FEEL sad, I am in sadness. It is safe there, because I know what it feels like, and it doesn't hurt as much anymore once you get used to it. It's like dunking yourself in ice cold water, after awhile you get numb.

I can smile. I can laugh. I have a very pronounced sense of humour. I can make jokes and get jokes. I know what it means to have a good time. Am I happy? If I don't think about it all, then yes. Don't think about it, everything's fine, the seas are calm and wavelets ripple joyfully, skipping across ocean blue. If I don't think about it. Don't look beyond the surface. I can be happy...if I keep lying to myself.

There are currents in the sea, those we cannot see, but are there nevertheless. On the surface all is fine, stick a hand in and you feel immediately the tug of the currents surging below.

I laugh, be a good friend. Not a good student. Not a good girl. Not a good daughter. Not a good granddaughter. A good poet. A good writer. Not a good person. What is good? No one knows, not anymore.

Sometimes I laugh and laugh and laugh so hard, then after awhile the laughter turns to sobs, wracked, agonised sobs, and tears uncontrolled travel down my face, and I'm still laughing, because I can't stop it, can't help it, because it's all so funny how I keep lying keep pretending and no one ever knows and even if they do they can't do a pretty damn thing about it because I won't let them because I don't want to leave can't stop pretending because I don't know how to be angry how to be sad how to be happy and I just keep watching and mimicking and pretending to be something I'm not like artificial intelligence a baby taking its first steps following others becoming others and we forget I forget who I am who I was maybe I never was and everything I ever knew was a lie and everything I look forward to never will be never real and I laugh and laugh because I can't see can see that I can't and see that nobody else can see that they can't see and I cry because I can see that I can't see I'm blind because there is no truth no reality and everything is just matter with no meaning more than what we give it and I can't do it because I know it really isn't there and we're all pawns we live we die we return into the system recycled back forth and out again can't you see it's like a dance a program we can't leave because there's nothing to leave to and I laugh and cry because it's all so damn funny that we struggle and fight and hurt each other for something that isn't there so damn ironic that we kill we die we let everything go to hell and we don't care because we think we got what we want but we're wrong there's nothing to get and don't you see? It's just SO DAMN FUNNY.

Because all there was was nothing. From nothing whence we came, and to nothing we return to. It's all for nothing.

Listening to the song I'm Free by Yuna Ito. And pondering the irony of the title while sitting in the midst of a cluster of relatives who have come to celebrate my grandmother's birthday.

The world works for those allow themselves to feel, to live and love. For people like us (and I leave the 'us' to be completely subjective and on a voluntary signup basis), it chooses to abandon us. Yes I'm quoting from a fanfic. Well, I changed it a little to fit, but that's life, isn't it? *has sudden urge to say C'est la Vie in a genki way* O____o;;;;

It feels strange. Surrounded by extended family. I'm not one of them, but then I don't want to be, and so I'm not, even when deep down I want to be. It's one of those vicious cycles again. Yeah, seems like my life is full of those, it's almost funny that way.

Actually, the main thing that irritates me about having this many people in the house is the noise. I'm by nature a rather quiet person, and I prefer silence, or at least the volume being at a manageable level. By some twist of fate, all my relatives have loud voices. I think it's some kind of divine punishment. Right now I have a whole rabble occupying my personal space and truth to be told, I'm ill at ease.

But I'm lucky in comparison. My relatives seem like absolute angels when taken against the absolute horrors that Kanai's relatives are...or at least that's the impression I get by her description of them. Somehow, her world of pretended amiability and civility is even scarier than the loud cacophony that surrounds me. Let's just face it, forced smiles and an atmosphere of general fakeness is just downright scary. Even if they are quiet. But in this case, the quiet is probably, well...more deadly than the noise I face.

So what do I do now? As the penguin from Madagascar says, "Just smile and wave. Smile and wave, boys." I won't need to wave, but I think smiling is a requirement. Or at least, keeping a neutral expression is the absolute minimum. I know I look like I'm overdramatising, but really, I dislike being in large groups of people. The good thing here is that nobody's paying attention to me......thank Dios for that, I don't think I can handle socialising.

Thank goodness I can ignore them. Oh lord, why do they ALL have to be so loud? And my aunt has the nerve to tell me to lower the volume of the music coming from my speakers. I think in comparison to the explosions of noise in the background, my speakers sound like they're squeaking instead. And if they weren't so loud in the first place, I wouldn't have had to raise the volume to hear anything, would I?

Enough. Stop ranting. I'm gonna grin and bear it. Or at least stop from looking like I'm gonna kill people. Ah well. I'll sign off now.

Note to Fionna: Hey girl, I found that song Aozora no Namida already, so if you read this, PLEASE come get it from me. And yeah, I wanna get the Utena discs from you. We've GOT to meet up soon. XD

The song Toki ni Ai wa is driving me nuts.

And still I listen to it, despite the fact that it's making me crazy...well, crazier, that is.

It's a long story on why it makes me crazy, but then again, all stories about me and myself are long and involved affairs...probably because I made them out to be so, and so they are. Never mind.

Kirei... That's what I think whenever I listen to the song. No, it's not that the song itself is beautiful. It's a nice song, yes, but not to the extent that one would label it as beautiful. No, it's the images that the song invokes that cause me to murmur the word 'beautiful'.

Yeah yeah, deep down I'm actually a diehard romantic. Whatever. I'm a girl (unfortunately or not). I'm entitled to that privilege. Girls are supposed to be more caught up in romantic notions than guys are at any rate.

While I enjoy the fantastical notions of romantic fairytales (yes, the prince, the white horse, happily ever after and all...go ahead and laugh), I'm grounded enough to know it can't ever happen, but you can't stop a girl from dreaming. Dreams are important, because without them you can't have hope. And hope is what keeps us going in life, is it not? It gives us purpose, a direction, something to aspire to...not that I'm actually taking my own advice, hypocrite that I am.

It's not that I don't have hope really. It's more of a case of a flickering hope. Hope that maybe I can find my way out of the funk I regularly find myself in (or put myself in, it's hard to tell). It's not a very big hope, or a very bright one, but its there, nevertheless. Why do you think I'm still alive and kicking if I didn't have any hope at all?

As for the kind of images being invoked by the song in question, I suggest one should go back a few posts and check the last entry where I mentioned the same song. You should have a better grasp of what I am implying by then. If you don't, well, too bad for you. You're free to ask me on MSN, and I'll explain...in short sentences, using simple words, so as not to overload your grey matter, assuming you have any that are being put in good use. Hehe.

And yes, that WAS an insult. Just for the fun of it. Come to think of it, I only insult people either 1) online, or 2) I'm comfortable around. Yes, if you're not a friend, I probably won't insult you on a regular basis. Odd huh? But it's true. My moments of sarcastic brillance usually emerge when I'm comfortable in the company...or if I've had some time to think it over. Or sometimes I have rare moments of inspiration where I spout something clever without any prompting or preparation. We all have our moments I guess.

As someone once said, everyone has moments of inspiration. Geniuses just have them more frequently. I'm technically not a genius, despite my occasional claims that stem from egoistical self-promotion than anything else. Yes, I'm not above taking jabs at myself. Hello, where have you been? I've been taking jabs at myself since Day One. The ability to laugh at oneself is most important in this screwed up world. If not, you'll go insane...not that my ability to laugh at myself is any help with that matter, since I'm about half-insane already, so it doesn't matter one way or the other.

Speaking of insanity, one is rarely if ever TOTALLY insane. We all have moments of lucidity I believe, even in the pathologically disturbed. Sometimes just fleeting moments, seconds here and there, barely noticeable, but who knows? Are you sure you're sane, if at all? Is anybody really sane when you get right down to it? By what, and whose, standards are we looking at ourselves? Think about it, and come back to me in a couple hundred years.

Alright, that's enough for a post. I should really stop coming up with mini-essays everytime I blog. Well, almost everytime. *cough* Right. Gotta go. Cya!

Somewhere along the way, the Prince became a Princess, and the white horse a bicycle...and there was no happily ever after, only one of those tortured scenarios like those straight out of those horrible medieval court romances...oh the horror...

Glass Cage

Pace up, back and forth. Look
Down , right, left and back again. See
You, smile, laugh, breathe, live. Away
Eyes, shut, tight, closed. Tempting.

Reach up, hand to hand. You
Smile, laugh, spin away. Glass
Warm, moist, cold too soon. Watch
Follow, near, far, here and there. Again.

Sit up, breathe in deep. Will
Self, calm, slow, down at ease. Warp
Time, now, then, when we are. You
There, yes, no, never was. Teasing.

Look up, find you somewhere. Be
Alive, bright, always naive. And
Glorious, smile, ignorant of it all. Untainted
Youth, beautiful, blooming rose. Innocence.

Fly up, can't get out. Mine
Wings, caged, can't get there. Shattered
Hope, look, see, but can't reach. Free
You, me, myself, gone again. Lost---

And it doesn't matter, glass cage keeps me clean
Keeps me free, keeps me whole again, driving
Me insane, mad, losing it all---but doesn't matter
Because I'm pure, clean, whole and safe. Away From you.
============================================

Random frustration begging release. Came out through this. There's a sick message in the poem. Actually, not that bad, but still slightly disturbing if one is easily offended. Which I doubt that anybody who bothers to read this is such as mentioned above. So disclaimer can be ignored.

Irony is undoubtedly there. As is sarcasm. *cough* Don't ask where I got those ideas from. I was reading some Evangelion fanfiction before that *coughreiasukaslashcough* and I was getting weird inside out. Blah. It doesn't make much sense to me. I think its crap really. I won't even be archiving it...unless someone out there can convince me otherwise.

Well then, World Cup kickoff in less than an hour. Ja ne!

I hope you guys appreciated the little fairytale in my last post. SKU-inspired, that one.

I had just gotten round to thinking who I most resemble personality-wise in that show. And the sad realisation was that if I had anything in common with the Duelists, the person that I came closest to was probably Kaoru Miki. Yeah its depressing. Sigh.

Because while I want to be like Juri, I realise I'm not her. Damn.

So why do I say I'm most like Miki? Why don't I just detail why I'm not like the rest of the Duelists first before I answer that?

First off, I'm not like Touga, because that guy sleeps around way too much, and is an Akio-wannabe who craves power and control. I like power and control, but I don't go to the ends Touga does to achieve that.

Then, his sister Nanami. One, I do not have a brother complex. Two, I have never resorted to violent means to remove people from the attention of the object of my affection (well not really anyway). But I do agree that I have a slight dependency problem the way Nanami does with her brother Touga.

Then there's Saionji. First off, I do not smack people around. Secondly, I do not have anger management issues. Although, admittedly, I have the same issues of insecurity and worthlessness that Saionji seems to have.

And there's my favorite girl, Juri! Well, she's cold and aloof on the surface to most people. Except Shiori, who gets under her skin with relative ease. And in a bad way too. Juri is the symbol of a fallen angel, of lost faith. She doesn't believe in miracles anymore, and wants desperately to prove it wrong......even though deep inside a part of her, she even more desperately hopes that she is wrong, and that a miracle will happen to bring her and Shiori together. She's strong and fragile all at the same time. In a sense, I'm a lot like her, yet not like her. She's stronger than me, but also more fragile than me. I'm not as cold, and I do have some faith...somewhere. I love my Juri-sempai, because let's just face it, how can you not love her? Ok I'm rambling, so let's just move on.

Ok and we come to Utena. Duh. What part of me is like her? She's noble, she's full of hope, she's idealistic. Everything I'm not. Blah. But she believes in dreams...and I do too, sometimes.

There's Anthy, who doesn't really count as a Duelist, but what the heck. No way am I as passive. Of course, a doll has more emotions than her...sometimes. She gets creepy eyes occasionally. Like she knows everything and nobody knows that she knows. I'm not that good an actress. Although the part about being numb to pain draws a strange parallel...not too strongly, but some.

Oh we can't forget Akio. Manipulative, I'm a rank amateur compared to the man. Seductive...are you kidding? I've never even had a serious relationship before. And I don't think I've ever flirted with anybody offline. Haha. But him being the fallen version of Dios, that part I understand. He's darker and he takes enjoyment in controlling the fates of others like pawns across a chessboard. I'm not quite that evil, but I do get a thrill from manipulating people. Who doesn't? :P

Now we come to the rest of the SKU crew. Wakaba. I'm not as genki for sure. Although at times....hmm. I don't really know what to make of her really. She did become one of the Black Rose Duelists though. That says a lot. Haha.

Kanae...well...let's just say that someone who believes that Akio is essentially a good man must be blind. Akio is anything but a good, gentle person. Sigh.

Shiori. I don't know what to make of the girl. She's cruelly innocent, as termed by Juri. She can be extremely evil and manipulative in her dealings with Juri, as seen in Adolescence Mokushiroku. That's the movie btw. Mostly I think she's just jealous of Juri. I'm not like that really. Actually, I can't remember ever being deliberately as cruel as Shiori has been to any of my friends. At least I hope not. Sometimes, you can inflict hurt unknowingly...how well I know that!

And Kozue, Miki's sister. Who sleeps around even more than Touga. And can possibly rival Akio in terms of number of conquests. She's a wild child, quite on purpose I believe, to make her brother uncomfortable. I'm not sure what exactly to say about her, except that she makes a strangely fitting pairing with Juri. Yeah I'm into weird pairings. So sue me, I'm like that.

And finally, we come to Miki himself. Mainly, I think the realisation that I resemble Miki stems from his search for his 'shining thing'. I've read many theories on what the 'shining thing' is, what it means, or what it connotates. The thing that came closest to explain it probably is the one that suggests that Miki is searching for the light that he and his sister shared as children, when they were always together and everything was alright. Basically, that vision was ruined (its a long story) by an incident. And Miki continues to search for that connection, that light, the 'shining thing' that he experienced as a boy.

I'm similar in that respect. My childhood was a happy one, albeit an ordinary and very mundane one. It was filled with warmth and light and love, and then it was gone. I guess like Miki, I'm searching for my shining thing too. Add that to the fact that he's so passive, like I am, and the fact that he is very smart, like me too (haha ego strikes again), and you can see why I'm very much like Miki. At least I don't have that annoying stopwatch-clicking habit though. Lol. And I can't fence like Miki. And I can't play the piano. Hmm. Oh well, I'm not identical to him (thank Dios I'm not).

Actually I see a bit of myself reflected in all the Utena characters. Shows how dysfunctional I am really. On one hand, I'm really normal. On the other hand, I'm also really not. Life is hard that way. Full of contradictions.

I feel like Utena, wanting to be a Prince to someone. *cough* And sometimes I feel like Anthy, hoping that someone can come and save me. Sometimes I behave like Akio...and then revert back to Dios. I want to be wild like Kozue, and have someone to lean on like Nanami does. I want to be in control like Touga desires, and I have issues with self-worth like Saionji does. Juri, well, the lost faith and the fallen angel bit says it all.

Yes I have issues. No, I don't really care. Because despite knowing all my issues, I know that it's all a lie in the end and everything will work out somehow, for better or for worse. Because at the end of the day I'm still a disgustingly normal high school student with an obsession with anime that have unusual themes. Yeah I went and watched Angel Sanctuary. Now I want to buy the manga. Yes I'm strange, because I don't feel repulsed by the fact that there are blatantly incestous couples in the story. Hey, I'm a Utena fan, of course I don't have issues with incest.

Yes and no. No and never. Never and again. Again and we're back to where we begun, ready to play again.

Aren't you?

The Lion and the Panther. The Wolf and the Butterfly. The Prince and her Princess. The Angel and the Devil...

I am no Prince, nor am I a Princess. I am not as noble or fierce as the Lion, nor like the elegant silk-wrapped steel that was the Panther. I am not feral and hungry like the Wolf, and I am not as fragile or as cruelly innocent as the Butterfly.

I am no Angel, and I am certainly not the Devil, manipulative as he is.

Then, pray tell, what am I?

The more you deny it, the more it consumes you, becomes you.

I play the Prince to an imaginary Princess in my dreams, run like the graceful Panther in a reality of my own making. I watch, hungry and at the same time disdainful, like the Wolf watching its prey, desiring only to fufill its own needs.

I robe myself in false nobility, taking on the mantle of the strong and fierce Lion, stern and upright. The Angel lights up in my eyes, glowing from within, whispering of past glory and power and of all-consuming, overpowering light and goodness.

And the Devil lurks in my lips, poison-filled but masked by ruby red, pale in a leeching light. Lies pour forth like wine from a shapely vessel, and all who drink from it are dowsed with a lingering spell that sinks their senses and hides the Devil from their sights.

But the Butterfly watches them play in their own right, seeing with sad, cruel, indifferent, caring eyes, her own wings broken, never to fly, fly forth again to dart on the winds. Broken, fragile, a wisp of memory, soft and gentle and oh so very delicate, this Butterfly.

And perhaps, she was the cruellest of them all, for she does not speak, choosing instead to weave and dart just outside of prying eyes, never letting them see, never letting them touch, those poor broken wings on a battered body, fragile strength waiting, asking to be broken, to let her rest for once, to be at peace.

So that the Lion could relax, the Panther could stop running, the Wolf could stop watching from afar, the Prince could stop saving others and become the Princess she should be, the Angel no longer fallen, and the Devil a distant memory.

She's still waiting, for the day the fairytale can become a happily ever after.


Once upon a time, there was a Prince......

Anyway I'm totally loving the song Toki ni Ai wa.

First time I heard it was when I was watching Utena the movie, during the dance sequence between Anthy and Utena. As much as I dislike Anthy (it's a long story), she does manage to look pretty presentable in that sequence. And Utena, as I'm now thoroughly convinced, does look better with long hair than short hair. They gave her a crappy haircut in the movie. And I still think anime Utena looks better. Although movie Juri is definitely better. Ehehehe....

ANYWAY, here's the little clip of Utena and Anthy dancing in the rose garden (well, flooded rose garden, but its cool to see the sky reflected on the ground lol).



I love the roses. Never mind. The whole of SKU is ridden with roses. Haha. Don't you think the whole dancing thing is nice? Despite the fact they're both girls...ah well, whatever.

SKU just reeks of shoujo-ai. Not that I have any objections about that. I do know however that many of the themes in the anime would probably be banned from SAJC. Haha. I mean, hello, incest, homosexuality (on both sides of the coin o___o) and generally loose morality (when they say Akio gets around, he really DOES get around). Any morally upright person would be shocked. However, I'm not anywhere near morally upright, so that's ok with me.

Not to mention there was the hint of paedophilic activity in Touga's past in the movie (he got raped by his stepfather...), and the whole Miki-Kozue thing in the bathtub where she holds a razor to his throat. Talk about obsessive behaviour. And she's not the only one who's obsessive over her brother. Just look at Nanami and her beloved 'onii-sama'. *shudders*

And let's not get into how Anthy has been sleeping with Akio. Of course, just about everybody gets involved (and I do mean sexually) with the guy. Yes, even Utena. Only Juri escaped the Akio-car treatment to 'see the Ends of the World'. *cough* Otherwise translated to getting down and dirty with our favorite Dean. Sigh. Haha.

Oh and when I say 'everybody' (excepting Juri) got screwed over by Akio (both literally and figuratively), I don't mean just the girls. I mean, what are the odds of having Touga and Saionji in the Akio-car with him, and all of them shirtless too, and apparently seeing the Ends of the World as well, and assuming that nothing at all happened between them? And Touga does in fact get into the Akio-car pretty damn often. Haha. It's all speculation of course, but then again, I don't think Akio really cares. This is after all, a guy who slept with his sister AND his fiancee's mother...among the mass of others he also bedded. He probably has enough notches on his bedpost to completely chip the whole darn thing away. Lol.

*huggles Juri plushie* Yeah I wuv my Juri-sama, because she's so cool and she doesn't sleep with Akio. Haha. The only downside is her love for Shiori...ah well, no one's perfect.

And no Kanai, no snide comments on my new obsession. Lol last time was PGSM, now its SKU. Just be glad I'm not talking about Excel Saga. Which reminds me, I think Hyatt's really cute, but the whole turning-green-fainting-and-dying in every episode is a little.....ahem. Lol.

SKU is pretty chock full of symbolism. Everything has a meaning. Although some parts don't make sense (Nanami and the stampeding elephants for one thing). How do you even GET elephants in the Academy??? O___o;;;;

But then again, this is an anime where the Akio-car can drive itself (yes it does, Akio keep doing the car flip thing and sits on the hood while the car keeps going....), and where the Akio-car appears in the strangest of places (how did it get up all the stairs O__o;;;).

Well, I'm gonna stop babbling now. Cya!

I feel like screaming. Yelling my guts out. Jumping up and down. Hitting things. Holler and pull at my hair.

Damn am I restless now.

I feel like shit. Where is Kanai when you need her? Lol. She's the only one who can talk it out with me. I suppose I can pick a random person on my contact list to blab to, but there are some back issues that only good old konks can be trusted with. Ah well, I'll live.

It's one of those melancholy evenings again. Where I can just keep walking and walking under the stars and just march on through the shadows not wanting to think or talk or even see where I'm going. Where all I want to do is just to keep walking and let it all come out. And I don't want to stop, because I don't know where to go, and I don't want to think about it. And I will think about it if I stop, thus with the constant moving. Walking clears my head, especially at night in the cold breeze where you can't see anything except for shadows and hues of gray and orange. Streetlights, ya know?

Anyway, I'm going to stop dwelling on it. Don't worry, be happy! Ok, cheesy line. Whatever.

For the power to revolutionise the world!

..........?! What the...

zettai unmei mokushiroku zettai unmei mokushiroku

Oh what the hell, the karaoke voice is back again. Singing that damnable stairway song from SKU. Why do I call it the stairway song? Because every single bloody time one of the Duelists is going up the stairs to the arena for a duel, the silly thing starts up. Haha.

hikari no yami
kanata no yami
hatenaki yami

Oh shut up already! As cool as that refrain is, I don't NEED anybody chanting it right now.

Oh really, then what about this?

*clears throat*
*deepens voice dramatically*

"If it cannot hatch from it's shell, the chick will die without ever truly being born. We are the chick; the world is our egg. If we don't break the world's shell, we will die without truly being born. Smash the world's shell, for the Revolution of the World."

.........................

*long silence*

*pregnant pause*

*insert whatever phrase used for utter absolute disbelieved silence*

Yes?

*chokes*

The.....ELEVATOR speech? *note: an inside joke*

No dear, it's the Chick Speech. You know, the famous speech of Touga, the red haired one.

I know who Touga is, and I don't like him. You know, the first time I saw the term 'Chick Speech', and that it came from Touga, I immediately wondered if it wasn't some hentai playboy thing the guy came up with. Haha.

You seriously need a mindscrub.

*shrug* Nothing new there. I am a pervert, after all.

Oh, so you admit you're a pervert?

Um, I thought it was obvious. Look at how I drool over Hyori.

Everone with a libido drools over Hyori. Well, maybe not necessarily drool in copious amounts, but a certain amount of bedazzlement is anticipated. It's not your fault.

Wow that's an encouragement. Then how do you explain the inexplicable urge that I get whenever watching that Ayaka fan vid?

What inexplicable urge? *smiles innocently*

Don't play a fool Chaos. You know what I mean.

Oh, it seems to have slipped my mind. How terrible. Oh the loss!

....you don't need to be so dramatic. Alright alright, since you're so determined to make me say it, I will!

*pause*

Hmmm.....

*smirk* Well? *random iced drink pops up in his hand*

*eyebrow twitches* ....random iced drink...? You doing an Akio????

Sore wa himitsu desu. *winks and drinks up*

*slaps forehead* Oh Dios, now you're doing a Xellos.

Now my dear, you're straying. Don't think I didn't notice.

Aw damn. I thought I could smoke my way outta this.

I live in your head. There's nothing you can get past me. Nothing.

*tiredly* Don't try that evil voice-deepening trick on me. It doesn't work. Anyhow, what was I supposed to say again?

You were going to share with us your delightful little reaction when you see the fan vid.

*suspiciously* How would you know my reaction is 'delightful' if you claimed to have forgotten?

*blinks, then recovers* Feelings, dear heart. Memories go away, but feelings remain. *smug look*

Damn. I'll give you that, you're smooth.

Naturally.

Oh quit with the egoism.

Ok, I can't really dodge it anymore, so let's get it over and done with. Well...you see...

..........

.........

.......

*irritably* Oh just say it already.

*flushes* Fine. I get this strange mental image k?

*sneakily* What mental image?

*glowers at Chaos* ......I feel like licking her k? Especially around the neck and shoulders.....*drifts off as eyes glaze over* *licks lips involuntarily*

Interesting little girl, that one. *looks at readers* Don't worry, she'll get over it soon. *looks back*

Hmm....

*taps shoulder*

[no response]

Sigh. Time for Plan B.

*leans over to her ear and whispers something*

*blinks* What? Where? *looks around frantically*

Bingo. *thumbs up at readers*

Chaos..... *glares*

*innocent grin* You really are gullible sometimes.

Ah shuddap.

*breathes deeply*

Anyway, back to business. Sometimes I wonder who's corrupting who in our relationship. Chaos and I sometimes seem so different yet so similar at the same time. I consciously split him to provide myself with a conversational partner. While he sounds like an oversexed teenage boy at times (*indignant voice* I do NOT.), sometimes I can be worse. Haha.

Maybe he's corrupting me. Maybe I'm corrupting him. Maybe the core that which we sprung from has already been corrupted. Mostly I think we're just trapped in a cycle of mutal corruption. He poisons my mind with dark slashy thoughts; I dig deeper in to spread the infection with my more unusual musings.

And by unusual, I mean really unusual. Something along the lines of incest, homosexuality and soft porn. Heh. Doesn't always happen that way of course. Sometimes I just get dreams where disembowelment is a commonality, where dissection is preferably done alive without anaesthetic, where throats are cheerfully ripped out and fingernails wantonly ripped off. The kind of dream where blood is everywhere and you get ghouls/zombies chewing on your leg and rotting hell hounds chasing after you, their saliva flying and ribcages exposed.

All in day's work. Or night. Sometimes I get marginally more normal dreams though. It depends on what you mean by normal in this crazy little world of me. Haha.

Alright I gotta go. It's been fun. And I feel better...sort of.

So, ciao then!

May you find your eternal thing, your shining thing, the power of miracles, and the power of revolution.


*in the distance*
MY SHINING THING!! WHERE IS IT?!?!


(all 4 colored voices) *collective sweatdrop*

Warning: I am going through a serious Utena phase here, so be warned.

I should probably get down to distinguishing between my so-called 'crushes'. My crushes are usually on two distinct groups, that is, 1) people I want to be, 2) people I actually want to date (or at least fantasize about---and no, I won't go into any detail about the fantasies).

Group 1 is easy enough. Just about every other person I have considered as me crushing on them is in this group. Almost.

Actually, even within Group 1, there are distinctions. There are those where I think are really cool, and those that I actually want to emulate. Some can fit into both categories, but occasionally you get one where it fits in only one of the two.

An example? Let's see. Examples in anime would be like Haruka (BSSM), whom I think is really cool and would want to be like. I mean, she's great in sports and gets a cool car and an awesome girlfriend. Yup, cool girl alright. Haha.

Heck, even my newest heroine, Juri (SKU) is like so darn cool. Fencing captain, member of Student Council, Duelist, good student, blah blah blah. And that aloof image is just gorgeous. And no konks, I'm not clinically insane. So stop glancing at the straitjacket already.

Ok, for oddities that only fit in one category of group 1....Alucard from Hellsing. Let's just face it, Alucard is too damn cool. But I wouldn't want to be him. No sir, no thank you. Why would I want to be a psychotic master vampire with sadistic tendencies and with an inclination towards violent torture........um, don't answer that. Yes, I'm looking at you konks. If your eyebrow raises any higher, it will get stuck to your hairline forever. :P

Now, on to Group 2. Strange how it is that the first name that pops to mind is Hyori. Lol. It's all Kanai's fault. You have corrupted me! Haha.

So, fantasies-wise its a bit obvious. Anyone who has any kind of a sex drive WILL have interesting images floating through their head after watching Hyori's Shall We Dance music video. The next person that pops to mind is, strangely, Ayaka Komatsu. Stop staring at me konks. You did say that I would be better off obsessing over Ayaka than Juri. Unfortunately for you, I'm obsessed over both of them, so you're outta luck. XD Unless you choose to pump me full of Hyori-content......

And I just have to point out the fact that I can no longer listen to Britney Spears's My Prerogative without immediately receiving a VERY tantalising image of Ayaka dripping wet in nothing more than a string bikini. Yes, I'm perverted. So sue me, I watched the fan tribute video which had My Prerogative as its background music. So yeah, its hard not to associate that song with Ayaka dressed in barely anything. And in a swimming pool. Sigh.



Just to prove my point, I'm showing the video here. Members of the male species, please prepare tissues to clean up bloody noses, as well as any other affected...parts. *cough*

Actually, it just came to mind that none of the people I have crushed on are actually dateable material. Male or female. I can't actually imagine myself being involved with them. Anything beyond one night stands at best is rather unthinkable. Lol.

The one person I could ever conceive dating, no wait, make that two people, are both unattainable and strange as it may seem, safe. I feel safe crushing on them because I know how impossible it is. I hate the impossibility, but at the same time, it is because of the impossibility that I allow myself to devote a part of myself to obsess over the whole situation. It's safe, because the obsession will not be reciprocated (at least, that's the ideal situation), and I don't have to deal with a relationship that requires *gasp* commitment.

And this little twist brings me to the REAL point of this post. I idolise people I can identify with (usually). And while reading Juri-centered fanfics last night, I discovered one fic which contained a certain speech that impressed me with its insight into the person that I am, that Juri shares with me, at least in that particular story.

And here it is.

"We refuse to allow ourselves to love, Juri-san, because we believe that the world is a cruel, callous place. Where opening up your heart only leads to hurt. Where people who believe in miracles, who believe that everyone has good inside them, are mad fools. But we're the fools, Juri. I walk through Paris, and I see people meet and fall instantly in love. I see sequences of events that look utterly silly, but end up with a shy smile and a hesitant laugh. The world works for people like Utena and Shiori. For people like us... it chooses to abandon us. We won't let ourselves be part of it."

---Anthy to Juri, In Hiding, by Sean Gaffney


I really felt that speech cut deep into the fog around my heart. I imagine Juri must have felt under siege, hearing that come from Anthy. Haha. I know I would have in her shoes.

Because I don't love her as much as I should. Because I have never loved her in the first place. Because I'm scared, afraid of rejection. So I deny myself. Deny like Juri did for Shiori. Sigh. Why is it that I find so many parallels between myself and anime characters, for goodness sake? Lol.

Actually, if you want a REAL parallel, just look at Akio and Dios. I feel like both of them at times. Dios, the noble prince. Akio, the twisted, corrupt fallen one who manipulates others for his own sick pleasure. Considering that in the manga timeline, they are actually two part of the same person, it feels like familiar territory. Sometimes I'm like one of the morning stars, helpful and cheerful and ready to give. And other times, I descend into my own personal hell and become one of the fallen, spreading the gospel of cynicism and bitter hatred.

It's very easy to predict what I will do, say or even think. I'm predictable that way. But unfortunately, there's a part of me that remains unplottable. It's that hidden part inside of me that I don't trust. It is hidden, crafty, deceiving. Its motives are unknown. It follows nothing and no one. I don't trust it. I don't trust myself. Because I don't know what I can do, will do.

And I don't know what to believe. There was a time where I didn't believe in anything. And there came with it the despair, the anguish, a blighted path. One cannot lose hope. That's what I learnt the hard way during their foolish sojourn. Strangely though, it hasn't made me much wiser. Because if the wisdom of others were to be believed, I'm busily engaged on a route that will lead to the destruction of my future. It's possible. All things are possible.

Most importantly, we've got to keep an open mind. Keep yourself flexible enough to change course as and when necessary. I'm not sure how well I adhere to my own advice, since I'm such a habit-driven creature, but I know that at least on an intellectual level, I can do that to some extent. It's a long road to becoming my ideal though. Not that my ideal is the society's ideal. Ah well, we can't have everything, can we?

Well, I don't feel like typing now. So I'll stop. Goodbye.


I envy you. Because you can hope. Because you believe in miracles. Because you can love and be loved. And I hate you. Because you have everything I don't have. And I love you. Because you are everything I'm not.

I'm weird.

Yes, if anyone has been reading this on any kind of a regular (or semi-regular) basis, this will not be a new fact.

It's just that I have just gotten into a slight Utena phase just now. Yes, it's the anime where the main character has pink hair, crossdresses with impunity (and still manages to look good in a dress), and not to mention gets seduced by the major villain in the show (who slept with his own sister, for goodness sake) and gains the power "to revolutionize the world!".

I fail to refrain from giggling when I hear that last line. It is that cheesy.

And I will also never be able to hear the words "that shining thing!" without breaking out in guffaws. *dies laughing on the floor*

And last but not least, Arisugawa Juri rocks. Oh, Ohtori Akio rocks too, despite the whole sleeping-with-his-sister-as-well-as-just-about-everybody-else act he pulls. And yes, the "just-about-everybody-else" includes members of the same gender. Poor Touga. And no, I won't pull the pun with the Roman style of dress.

Oh and here's a nice list: 101 Reasons Why Juri Kicks Ass

One very big reason that endeared me to Juri even more: she's one of the "outed" lesbians in anime. Weee! I mean, come on, she is obviously still hung up over Shiori. Stupid bitch. (I mean Shiori. *gah*)

Lol. Plus she's cool. And she's good with a sword. And no, please don't make a comment about the orange hair. Because if you do, I'll wave Utena's pink hair in your face. (Take that!)

Hey, I could do worse and be idolising Akio. Oh wait, I do. Noooooo, I don't. Yes, I do. No I don't. Yes I---oh wtf nvm. He's cool. He's hot. He's also evil, in that coolly seductive and manipulative way of his. And no, I will not mention the fact that he has gorgeous green eyes (like Sephy!!). Damnit.

Actually I think Akio really isn't all that good looking (except maybe when he's wearing that Duelist outfit, which means I like his clothes better than him). But he does have nice green eyes. Oh, and the evilness is so damn enticing. Yes, I'm weird. I know. I KNOW.

I mean, the guy sleeps with his own sister, he sleeps with his fiancee's mother (presumedly), he has "relations" with Touga (another guy)....the list goes on. And he does it in a flamboyant way too. I mean, you hate him for the evil disgusting part (incest, adultery, sodomy etc), but you gotta admit, he's got some crazy skills to even do all of that.....and still manage to scheme evil plots. Sigh. Multitasking evidently isn't the sole province of women. Although I argue that girls would find it easier to cosplay Akio than guys ever can (or will). Heh.

Annnnnnnnnd back to Juri. Haha. She is so aloof, she's my hero(ine)! I always like the cool types. The kind that can do the "don't-mess-with-me" look convincingly.......and look so darn enticing (at least to me) at the same time. Haha. Sigh. Weakness for the butches. I mean, Juri is the only girl in SKU (Shoujo Kakumei Utena) that does NOT put on a dress in the duration of the anime. Yes, even Utena has worn a dress, and a PINK one, I might add. How can the girl, who has pink hair, wear a pink dress???? It never ceases to amaze me, the strangeness of color coordination...


And now, I must cease this tirade of deranged nonsense that makes me look like a lunatic monkey on crack. Which I confess to be on certain crack-infused days. For are we not all monkeys, ensnared as we are to that little thread known as DNA? (gross mutiliation of Shakespearean-ism, I know)

Alas, we are such stuff as insanity is made on, and our lives are rounded with a little Prozac.