Saturday, June 24, 2006
It's official.
I have a best friend!
Lol.
And of all people, it just had to be the one I've never met before.
No offense Kanai, but don't you think its awfully ironic? We've forged a really strong friendship despite not having met each other in real life, but somehow it works. Like you said yourself, we click because we understand each other...you said it was because on some level, you were a younger version of me, so it sticks.
Somehow I find that conclusion disturbing. Wouldn't you? I mean, if you're a younger version of me, isn't it disturbing to see what you might become in the future? Especially with someone like me......o___o;;;
Part of the whole best friend dynamic between us must be the fact that we know that we're both weird, but it doesn't bother us, and we're always willing to listen to whatever weirdness the other can come up with. Everything from the insane (dopplegangers and all) to the obsessed (Hyori) and the best of all, the philosophy (time travel and multiple world theory anyone?).
It's just the things we can talk about. Even when we don't have anything to talk about, we somehow make up a topic and go with it. Sometimes that can be an incredibly morbid path to tread upon, but its fun with company. More fun than going it alone, definitely.
On some level we're almost like sisters, a conclusion that stems from her pointing out that she's almost like a younger version of me. She's one of the very few, and by very few I really mean very VERY few, like counting on one hand few, people whom I trust to come back if we're ever separated.
Let's see who's on this list. My dad's one of them. No matter how he rants and raves about how he's going to leave and never come back, I know that at the end of the day, no matter how late, he will return. It's part of being a parent I guess.
Erika is the next. Despite my innate worrying that she'll be different when she comes back, that our friendship will be changing because we're growing up and into different people, I somehow know that she'll come back. Even if we become different people due to our experiences, and our friendship never the same again because we've grown somewhat apart, but I know she'll at least come back to resolve everything if it ever comes to that breaking point. I'm not sure why I trust her that way, but it might have something to do with the fact that she was my first real close friend. She came very close to being that best friend position that went to Kanai, but there's reason why that never worked. A reason I think I won't disclose here. I might talk to Kanai about it though, she might help me understand it better.
And then there's Kanai. Yep, a grand total of 3 people I trust enough to come back. Damn me and all my insecurities, but that's the way I work.
It's strange really. Suddenly I really empathise with Makoto from PGSM. All her life she had people walk in and then subsequently walk out. Nobody ever came back for her, and nobody actually stayed for her. I think my personal insecurity stems from, you've guessed it, my mother's death. Having someone who was effectively the center of your world suddenly die on you creates a kind of fear that eventually everybody leaves you.
After awhile I kinda got used to the idea...to the point that everyone I meet, every new friend I make, I expect them to leave after some time. Basically, just passing in and out of my life. You know, typical acquaintances and such. That's why I'm terrified of making attachments to other people. I don't want to be disappointed when they leave.
I suddenly had a strange, stray thought. I really, really hate being alone. Despite all my bravado on how I'm always alone, that I'm used to it and blah, I really, truly hate feeling alone and unloved, or unnoticed, for that matter. It's a human thing. Damnit.
In light of new self-realisation, I just realised that I'm alone because I'm afraid of being alone. Weird huh? Ok, maybe I should modify the sentence to make it make more sense.
I'm alone because I'm afraid of being left alone.
Does that help any? Well, if it didn't, too bad.
No matter how used to it I get on people leaving me in general, it still hurts on some level, especially if I liked the person and would at least want to still keep in some vague contact.
In time, I just expect most people to leave. I understand that nobody can stay with me 24/7 just to calm my insecurities. Which is why I plan never to go into a relationship with anybody. Date, maybe. Relationship, no. Because the signs are all there.
Signs of what, you might ask. Why, signs of my insecurity of course! Given the kind of personality I have, if I ever embarked on a serious relationship with anybody, there's a high possibility of me turning into the Possessive Psycho Girlfriend from Hell. I rather not got through that experience, or put anybody else through that experience either. Just thinking of it now gives me the creeps already.
Ugh. I feel ill just having brought up the mere possibility of myself as a clingy, unstable girfriend. That just reinforces my resolve never to get involved seriously with anybody. No matter how much my heart wants me to, because I know love can make one do weird things, but for the sake of my sanity and that unlucky chap's, it's better if I just stayed single.
Of course, the best laid plans never tend to work out when faced with the enemy. Oh well, I'll make it up as I go I guess. That's what I've been doing all of my 2nd life. Heh.
On the matter of my insecurities, it's bad enough that even if someone I'm expecting to meet at a certain time fails to show up on time, or at least within 10 minutes of the appointed time, I start to inwardly panic that something must have gone wrong and that they're abandoning me. Yeah, it's a bit foolish that way, but it doesn't stop me from feeling it whenever that situation occurs. Although I always pretend everything's alright. Ah well, now that I put it here, they should know better than to be late when we're scheduled to meet. Not that I'm one to talk myself, considering that I'm never, strictly speaking, on time. I'm either very early, or very late. *cough*
My cousin called me 3 weeks ago. She quit her job *gasp* and is now travelling with her evangelist husband to spread the faith I guess. I think of all the people (after my mom) that has left me, both literally and figuratively, her departure was the most painful.
I used to really cling to her as a child, you know, when I was around 11 or 12 years old. Because right after the fallout from my mom's passing, my dad wasn't in any condition to attend to me, so she did. I can't really remember what we did last time, but I remember having a lot of fun staying over at her house on weekends. Now that I think of it, part of why I went to church and accepted the faith was because I wanted to please her I guess.
I used to really admire her, and I do respect her, and fear her on some account. She was really strict before, but she loosened up over the years. I remember after that incident with the umbrella when I was 14, we drifted apart, because I was on self-destructive mode and was singlehandedly wrecking my own scholastic career. Even though she was the one who finally helped me to transfer to QSS, I found it hard to trust her the way I did before. Not to mention than my mind by then was beginning to shake free of the cloud that obscured it before, and I was emerging and growing into the person I am currently, and the ideals and principles I had were so very radically different from hers, although I never actually told her about it. It's not something that can be talked about, not anymore anyway.
We were already drifting apart by then. I spent age 15-16 in the "wilderness", so to speak. I didn't go back to church, and I didn't see her unless it was unavoidable. Although I actually went back towards the end of my 16th year, and was (un)pleasantly surprised to know that she had a good friend now. Somehow I felt usurped by that other presence. It's a childish thing I know, but I guess I'm a bit possessive that way (another reason why I should never commit to relationships).
I'm surprised why I don't feel that way with my dad now though. I know I felt that way with his first few girlfriends though. I read the blog archives. *cough* Lol. And I do distinctly remember an incident when he blew off a planned outing and handed me $20 to go out on my own because he wanted to spend time with his "friend". I was insulted. And angry that he would think of just shoving me aside by handing me money. Not that I mind anybody handing me money. It's just that...never mind.
But now? I don't really care. He can date multiple people at the same time for all I care. As long as he does his job of providing for the family, I don't care about his love life. Oh, I can sugarcoat my opinion by saying that I understand that he needs companionship in his old age, and that I won't be petty and stop him from seeing other people. Because, honestly, I don't care. As long as he is sensible (as sensible as he can ever be that is. men.) enough to date someone who won't con him of his money (he's done it before, and did it again a second time despite the first warning experience. so sue me for being paranoid). Mainly because I'm worried about me. If he gets cheated of his money (not to mention his feelings, but you can't eat feelings can you?), he takes it out on me, and he forces me to lend him money. Speaking of money, he still owes me a few grand. Gah.
If I know you people, and I think I do, most of you would be horrified/disgusted by what I've just said and you would be contemptous of me and my behaviour. Well, screw you too. Who says I gave a damn about whether YOU approve of me anyhow?
That paragraph above doesn't apply to Kanai naturally. I know her well enoug to know that she won't be bothered, since we've talked about it before, and if my people reading skills are any accurate, she feels the same way about her dad...well, in a lot less favorable terms than the way I view mine, that's for sure. But then again, she's fully justified in her opinion, from what she has related to me thus far.
Suddenly I have this really weird urge to be mean. As in, for real. School is starting, and I suppose I could use a different attitude. I'm sick and tired of being nice and passive and playing the victim. I can be a wolf, a wounded one though. One that will snap at anyone who tries to get close. No more little nice girl. Ok I'm just weird now. Never mind.
Run with me. I said that to someone once. I wonder if he forgot. Maybe this time I should take the first step. Or maybe not. I did say that we would run together, but I never said that I would babysit him. Or that he should babysit me for that matter. I promised I would be there if he ever needed me. Well, he hasn't looked me up. So I have no freaking idea if he needs me anyway.
A better friend would take the initiative to find out. Well I'm not a better friend. Maybe I will ask him eventually. But not now. Not when I haven't sorted out the mess that is my life. I have enough problems without martyring myself for those of my friends. I'm not that noble, and I won't pretend to be.
Last word though. If you need someone to talk to, you can just call me, damnit. Don't be an idiot and do the whole angst-emogoth ritual of "I'm alone and nobody cares". I know because I did the same damn thing. And yes we're both idiots. You more so, because you've seen what I've done and you're still doing it anyway. No I'm not mincing my words and I don't care if you're offended. Because I'll give you hell if you make me break a promise I actually want to keep. You're fucking with your own head right now, and I don't like it. So talk already. Psssht.
And no monosyllabic replies too. Or gothy cliched lines either. Because I will hurt you if you do that. Badly. I can too, so try me if you don't believe it.
Ok I'm getting upset. Bye.
]
I have a best friend!
Lol.
And of all people, it just had to be the one I've never met before.
No offense Kanai, but don't you think its awfully ironic? We've forged a really strong friendship despite not having met each other in real life, but somehow it works. Like you said yourself, we click because we understand each other...you said it was because on some level, you were a younger version of me, so it sticks.
Somehow I find that conclusion disturbing. Wouldn't you? I mean, if you're a younger version of me, isn't it disturbing to see what you might become in the future? Especially with someone like me......o___o;;;
Part of the whole best friend dynamic between us must be the fact that we know that we're both weird, but it doesn't bother us, and we're always willing to listen to whatever weirdness the other can come up with. Everything from the insane (dopplegangers and all) to the obsessed (Hyori) and the best of all, the philosophy (time travel and multiple world theory anyone?).
It's just the things we can talk about. Even when we don't have anything to talk about, we somehow make up a topic and go with it. Sometimes that can be an incredibly morbid path to tread upon, but its fun with company. More fun than going it alone, definitely.
On some level we're almost like sisters, a conclusion that stems from her pointing out that she's almost like a younger version of me. She's one of the very few, and by very few I really mean very VERY few, like counting on one hand few, people whom I trust to come back if we're ever separated.
Let's see who's on this list. My dad's one of them. No matter how he rants and raves about how he's going to leave and never come back, I know that at the end of the day, no matter how late, he will return. It's part of being a parent I guess.
Erika is the next. Despite my innate worrying that she'll be different when she comes back, that our friendship will be changing because we're growing up and into different people, I somehow know that she'll come back. Even if we become different people due to our experiences, and our friendship never the same again because we've grown somewhat apart, but I know she'll at least come back to resolve everything if it ever comes to that breaking point. I'm not sure why I trust her that way, but it might have something to do with the fact that she was my first real close friend. She came very close to being that best friend position that went to Kanai, but there's reason why that never worked. A reason I think I won't disclose here. I might talk to Kanai about it though, she might help me understand it better.
And then there's Kanai. Yep, a grand total of 3 people I trust enough to come back. Damn me and all my insecurities, but that's the way I work.
It's strange really. Suddenly I really empathise with Makoto from PGSM. All her life she had people walk in and then subsequently walk out. Nobody ever came back for her, and nobody actually stayed for her. I think my personal insecurity stems from, you've guessed it, my mother's death. Having someone who was effectively the center of your world suddenly die on you creates a kind of fear that eventually everybody leaves you.
After awhile I kinda got used to the idea...to the point that everyone I meet, every new friend I make, I expect them to leave after some time. Basically, just passing in and out of my life. You know, typical acquaintances and such. That's why I'm terrified of making attachments to other people. I don't want to be disappointed when they leave.
I suddenly had a strange, stray thought. I really, really hate being alone. Despite all my bravado on how I'm always alone, that I'm used to it and blah, I really, truly hate feeling alone and unloved, or unnoticed, for that matter. It's a human thing. Damnit.
In light of new self-realisation, I just realised that I'm alone because I'm afraid of being alone. Weird huh? Ok, maybe I should modify the sentence to make it make more sense.
I'm alone because I'm afraid of being left alone.
Does that help any? Well, if it didn't, too bad.
No matter how used to it I get on people leaving me in general, it still hurts on some level, especially if I liked the person and would at least want to still keep in some vague contact.
In time, I just expect most people to leave. I understand that nobody can stay with me 24/7 just to calm my insecurities. Which is why I plan never to go into a relationship with anybody. Date, maybe. Relationship, no. Because the signs are all there.
Signs of what, you might ask. Why, signs of my insecurity of course! Given the kind of personality I have, if I ever embarked on a serious relationship with anybody, there's a high possibility of me turning into the Possessive Psycho Girlfriend from Hell. I rather not got through that experience, or put anybody else through that experience either. Just thinking of it now gives me the creeps already.
Ugh. I feel ill just having brought up the mere possibility of myself as a clingy, unstable girfriend. That just reinforces my resolve never to get involved seriously with anybody. No matter how much my heart wants me to, because I know love can make one do weird things, but for the sake of my sanity and that unlucky chap's, it's better if I just stayed single.
Of course, the best laid plans never tend to work out when faced with the enemy. Oh well, I'll make it up as I go I guess. That's what I've been doing all of my 2nd life. Heh.
On the matter of my insecurities, it's bad enough that even if someone I'm expecting to meet at a certain time fails to show up on time, or at least within 10 minutes of the appointed time, I start to inwardly panic that something must have gone wrong and that they're abandoning me. Yeah, it's a bit foolish that way, but it doesn't stop me from feeling it whenever that situation occurs. Although I always pretend everything's alright. Ah well, now that I put it here, they should know better than to be late when we're scheduled to meet. Not that I'm one to talk myself, considering that I'm never, strictly speaking, on time. I'm either very early, or very late. *cough*
My cousin called me 3 weeks ago. She quit her job *gasp* and is now travelling with her evangelist husband to spread the faith I guess. I think of all the people (after my mom) that has left me, both literally and figuratively, her departure was the most painful.
I used to really cling to her as a child, you know, when I was around 11 or 12 years old. Because right after the fallout from my mom's passing, my dad wasn't in any condition to attend to me, so she did. I can't really remember what we did last time, but I remember having a lot of fun staying over at her house on weekends. Now that I think of it, part of why I went to church and accepted the faith was because I wanted to please her I guess.
I used to really admire her, and I do respect her, and fear her on some account. She was really strict before, but she loosened up over the years. I remember after that incident with the umbrella when I was 14, we drifted apart, because I was on self-destructive mode and was singlehandedly wrecking my own scholastic career. Even though she was the one who finally helped me to transfer to QSS, I found it hard to trust her the way I did before. Not to mention than my mind by then was beginning to shake free of the cloud that obscured it before, and I was emerging and growing into the person I am currently, and the ideals and principles I had were so very radically different from hers, although I never actually told her about it. It's not something that can be talked about, not anymore anyway.
We were already drifting apart by then. I spent age 15-16 in the "wilderness", so to speak. I didn't go back to church, and I didn't see her unless it was unavoidable. Although I actually went back towards the end of my 16th year, and was (un)pleasantly surprised to know that she had a good friend now. Somehow I felt usurped by that other presence. It's a childish thing I know, but I guess I'm a bit possessive that way (another reason why I should never commit to relationships).
I'm surprised why I don't feel that way with my dad now though. I know I felt that way with his first few girlfriends though. I read the blog archives. *cough* Lol. And I do distinctly remember an incident when he blew off a planned outing and handed me $20 to go out on my own because he wanted to spend time with his "friend". I was insulted. And angry that he would think of just shoving me aside by handing me money. Not that I mind anybody handing me money. It's just that...never mind.
But now? I don't really care. He can date multiple people at the same time for all I care. As long as he does his job of providing for the family, I don't care about his love life. Oh, I can sugarcoat my opinion by saying that I understand that he needs companionship in his old age, and that I won't be petty and stop him from seeing other people. Because, honestly, I don't care. As long as he is sensible (as sensible as he can ever be that is. men.) enough to date someone who won't con him of his money (he's done it before, and did it again a second time despite the first warning experience. so sue me for being paranoid). Mainly because I'm worried about me. If he gets cheated of his money (not to mention his feelings, but you can't eat feelings can you?), he takes it out on me, and he forces me to lend him money. Speaking of money, he still owes me a few grand. Gah.
If I know you people, and I think I do, most of you would be horrified/disgusted by what I've just said and you would be contemptous of me and my behaviour. Well, screw you too. Who says I gave a damn about whether YOU approve of me anyhow?
That paragraph above doesn't apply to Kanai naturally. I know her well enoug to know that she won't be bothered, since we've talked about it before, and if my people reading skills are any accurate, she feels the same way about her dad...well, in a lot less favorable terms than the way I view mine, that's for sure. But then again, she's fully justified in her opinion, from what she has related to me thus far.
Suddenly I have this really weird urge to be mean. As in, for real. School is starting, and I suppose I could use a different attitude. I'm sick and tired of being nice and passive and playing the victim. I can be a wolf, a wounded one though. One that will snap at anyone who tries to get close. No more little nice girl. Ok I'm just weird now. Never mind.
Run with me. I said that to someone once. I wonder if he forgot. Maybe this time I should take the first step. Or maybe not. I did say that we would run together, but I never said that I would babysit him. Or that he should babysit me for that matter. I promised I would be there if he ever needed me. Well, he hasn't looked me up. So I have no freaking idea if he needs me anyway.
A better friend would take the initiative to find out. Well I'm not a better friend. Maybe I will ask him eventually. But not now. Not when I haven't sorted out the mess that is my life. I have enough problems without martyring myself for those of my friends. I'm not that noble, and I won't pretend to be.
Last word though. If you need someone to talk to, you can just call me, damnit. Don't be an idiot and do the whole angst-emogoth ritual of "I'm alone and nobody cares". I know because I did the same damn thing. And yes we're both idiots. You more so, because you've seen what I've done and you're still doing it anyway. No I'm not mincing my words and I don't care if you're offended. Because I'll give you hell if you make me break a promise I actually want to keep. You're fucking with your own head right now, and I don't like it. So talk already. Psssht.
And no monosyllabic replies too. Or gothy cliched lines either. Because I will hurt you if you do that. Badly. I can too, so try me if you don't believe it.
Ok I'm getting upset. Bye.
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