Aeternus, Eternus

Here I am in the MRL.

That's the little room in the library, in case people don't know.

I'm not freezing, a new condition.

Thanks to a nice warm jacket I decided to bring to guard myself from turning into an iceblock.

We played Warcraft yesterday! I sucked at DotA. I mean, by the time I figured out the hotkeys and controls, I had died like, 3-5 times. Sigh.

But if I played it again I think I would suck a little less. Now that I'm oriented and everything.

Ah well.

I'm hungry! Random comment.

We more or less finished our Written Report for PW. Thank God.

But then I have to go bring it out to bind. Damn. That's cos only me and Benita are in school today and Benita has training. So I have to be responsible and do it myself.

Not that I mind too much. I just object to the cost. I always object to spending money (except on food and BoA) because I don't have much of it to begin with.

Oh and I paid my school fees! A load off my mind.

I need to follow up on CCA CIP, which sucks to high heaven. Or hell. Depends.

I need to start forming a group for the Sterling website competition. Ugh.

I need to buy a computer. URGH.

lester rocks (I was forced to put this down.)

I need to get over my fear of OP. *censored*

I need to prepare for CLAO paper on 31st Oct. Blah.

I need to wait for Erika's exam to finish so we can hang out. Sigh.


I want to buy:

Dungeon Siege II
Fable: Untold Chapters (or Legends, can't remember)
Guilty Gear Isuka
An Xbox (unlikely, but what the heck)
History of BoA DVD (even though its in korean and I don't understand a word)
The Treasured One by David Eddings
The Crystal Gorge by David Eddings


Ok that's about all I can think about. At the moment. Hmm...

Ok I can't think of anything else to blog about. Oh more accurately, I'm too lazy to blog about the things that I want to blog about.

So, well, bye?

For now.

Heh.

What a loser.

I'm getting promoted to J2.

*pauses*

*long silence ensues*

*can almost hear Chengwei shouting 'kelong'*

........Never mind.

Here's a rundown of my grades anyway.

Literature: C
Economics: C
History: O
GP: B4
CLAO: B4

There. Economics was a surprise actually. I expected an E. Well at least it was a pleasant surprise.

As for History, well what can I say? Common Test and CA conspired to pull me down. I was 2 marks away from an E. 2 marks!

Oh well.

The thing is, my final exams were the ones pulling my grades up. Common Test was the major tripping stone. Grr....

Ah well. At least I promoted. With 41 rank points. I'll do better. Promise.

Now on to more cheerful matters!

BoA!!

*hears groans and cries of 'Not Again!!!'*

Well that's just too bad isn't it?

Hey at least be content. I haven't blabbered about BoA for many posts. Cut me some slack.

Well, BoA's new single is coming out soon! It's entitled Dakishimeru, which translates to I Want to Hug You. Well that's the translation BoAjjang gave anyway.

I want to hug BoA!!! *huggles BoA plushie*

And her birthday's coming soon! It's November 5!!! Which is a...Saturday!!!

.....darn.

That means I can't post a birthday greeting for her here on the day itself.

Ah well. I can always find a way.

*will try to compose an ode to BoA*

So I'm crazy. So what?

Incidentally, Grace and Lester were not in school today. It's Fried Food Day and they're not in school! How could they?!

They left me all alone and everything. Sigh. Was so bored and stuff. The rest of the class is nice, but it doesn't compare to the fun hanging out with the two of them can bring.

Oh! And Kanai replied to my email! Finally! I was getting so worried....

Turns out she was indirectly affected by Hurricane Katrina. At least she's fine. I'm so glad to hear from her. For months I've felt like I'm missing something. Everytime I log into my Hotmail account, I hope to see her email, but without it I feel kinda disappointed.

It's always nice to have friends.

Lord am I cold. Wonder if I should go down and grab something to eat (again)? Guess not...

Welps, I wanna start on Lufia 2 now. Catch ya all later!

Well, believe it or not, I'm back!

About the point I wanted to make in the last post, I was actually thinking about anime.

My dad thinks anime is a cartoon. In a sense, I suppose it is.

However, the word "cartoon" sounds so silly and superficial and just plain blowsy. Anime, some of them, are actually fairly serious works with actual plots. Of course there will always be the standard over-the-top anime humour present. But, depending on the different series, each has a different tone and message to convey.

Anyway, I get very offended when my dad dismisses the anime I watch as mere "cartoons".

The thing about me is that I enjoy morbid anime. Why do you think I enjoyed Hellsing so much?

And I love anime that makes me think and reflect. Like Peacemaker Kurogane.

A couple of episodes ago in Peacemaker, Tetsu mentioned to his enemy that it wasn't his hatred and desire for revenge that he wanted to become strong enough to kill his enemy.

What he really wanted was to get strong enough to "kill the weak and helpless me".

That really resonated with me. I've felt weak and helpless on any number of occasions, and I hated the feeling. I hated feeling like I couldn't do anything, that no matter what I did it was useless.

I hated being weak.

That's why I like power. Power in a game, power in life. Power in whatever state. It helps to keep me sane. It makes me hate myself a little less.

Does that sound pessimistic? Of course it does. If you've been reading this blog for a while, you'll notice that I'm a very pessimistic and cynical person.

If you didn't, I really really feel sorry for you. Really.

I mean, how could anyone be THIS unobservant?

Note I didn't use the word "stupid" or "idiotic" even once. Aren't you proud of me?

Enough of my regular jibes. I need to do stuff. So I'm ending off here.

Because I'm just way too lazy to type more.

Hey I'm back.

Saturday. Open House. Unmitigated disaster.

Or so I thought.

Actually it wasn't that bad. Partly because we just sat there the whole time without really doing anything.

Mostly because I was playing FFV and Tales of Phantasia the whole time.

Haha.

Incidentally, the playing attracted much more people than our presentation. So yeah, it was kinda an advertising gimmick to draw people in.

Of course, the playing was fun too.

Like Grace's mother so wisely said, Open House, no matter what the school, is a day of lies and propaganda.

I totally agree with that statement.

Of course, we're advertising the school. Advertising is a subtle and nicer way of saying 'propaganda'. And as in all propaganda, there is always a certain amount of fabrication.

I had fun eating chicken nuggets that day. Yeah, we snacked and sat there idly until somebody asks us what we do in Computer Club. Then we tell them the stuff like 3D Modelling and Animation, a bit of gaming (this one was suggested by the Strategy Club, we're collaborating to hard-sell gaming as an attraction), and other random computer knowledge.

So all in all, it was a fairly successful Open House.

Now enough of all that nonsense.

I finished playing FFV! Finally! I cheated outrageously of course.

Using cheat codes, I maxed out all the characters' job levels. Then I levelled them up to level 50+. I could have set it to 99 I guess, but I didn't want it to become TOO much of a walkover.

I even figured out how to beat one of the most annoying bosses on my own with no help from FAQs whatsoever.

That Omniscent guy, he kept using the Return spell to restart the battle everytime I damaged him for like 8000+ damage. Yeah, the X-Fight skill is my favorite. Paired with the 2-hand passive ability, you can strike the opponent 8 times. And since I was doing 1000+ dmg per hit, that adds up to a cool 8000 damage per character.

Anyway, back to the boss.

So I was getting really annoyed since I couldn't defeat him. Then I realised this:

A sorceror is helpless without MP. Drain his MP, and he's a goner.

And what do you know? I had Magic Hammer in my Blue Magic spell list, which halves the target's MP.

So I just kept Magic Hammering that guy until he had no MP.

Funniest thing I ever saw actually. The guy kept trying to use spells only to have a 'No MP' message appear on the top of the screen.

Basically, I just used one of my characters to use Magic Hammer, while one cast Haste on the party, and the White Mage healing and casting Dispel on the boss as necessary.

Of course, once that guy had no MP, he couldn't use Return, and that's when I started using X-Fight and wiped him out in a single turn. Muahahahahah.

For Exdeath, the final boss, his first form was damn easy. A couple of X-Fights were all it took to trigger the event.

Of course, Neo-Exdeath was a pain in the butt. His Flare and Holy spells weren't so bad actually, did less than a 1000 damage.

It was the mass attack spell that really hurt me.

No, not Meteo. Meteo was relatively manageable. The other spell. I can't remember the name. I was busily swearing whenver it happened and rushing to heal my party.

So what was my attack strategy?

I used X-Fight for my main melee character, summoned Bahamut with my Caller, used one character as a healer, and another to cast Haste and stuff.

Actually, I could have done better one that strategy.

I should have equipped everybody with Call to summon Bahamut, X-Fight for Zack (my main charac) and Faris, White Magic for Cara and Time Magic for Lenna as secondary abilities.

Then we Bahamut Neo-Exdeath with every character, barring times for Cara and Lenna to cast support and healing magic.

I think I'll try fighting Neo-Exdeath again. The wonder of save-states. Heh.

Bahamut's Megaflare is soooooooo wonderful.

4000+ damage to all targets! Woot!

The only drawback is that it takes up 66MP.

I had to use Elixir on Faris once to get her MP up again to cast Bahamut. I didn't even bother to summon Leviathan. Haha.

Anyway enough rambling about FFV. I have to go for class.

Damn, and I totally forgot to post the point I wanted to make for this post.

Oh well, there's always the next time!

Today was PW Day.

PW Day. Sounds like some kind of weird festival. Except there's nothing festive about it.

What could possibly be festive about a day dedicated to Project Work?

The mad scrambling, the huddling over computers, the queues at the printers, the "SAVE THE DAMN FILE!!" rants........the general atmosphere of busy activity.

You know what I mean.

Right now I'm freezing in the library (again). What is new and different?

Oh by the way, I should be getting a 2nd-hand desktop computer soon. And then I'll have to sign up for Internet services....and voila! I'll be back with a bang!

Or not. Maybe a whimper. Or a squeak. Who knows?

I certainly don't.

I had another one of those strange insights I get from time to time. You know, kinda like hallucinations in a very weird sort of way.

I was musing about one of my story characters that I made up, and then it suddenly hit me.

I'm in love.

If you could see my face now, I'm smirking. Real hard.

I love my characters. All of them.

But what I felt for Rae, my favorite female lead, is somehow different. I adore her, love her, worship her....

...and I love to see her cry.

Granted, she never cries in that story. But I like to see her in pain anyway.

God am I twisted.

On one hand, I want to protect her, guard her, shield her.

On the other, I just want to hurt her, see her bleed and fight and scream.

Aren't I strange?

I love making her suffer, it hurts me to see her in pain but I do it anyway.

Says a lot about me huh?

If she were real, she would probably hate my guts. With good reason: I gave her a miserable past, twisted her mind, tortured her soul, broke and bruised her body, and generally gave her a hard time. Not only that, I made her kill the only people who had any meaning in her life, and I separated her from the person who loves her and she could have loved. I put her in impossible situations and made her choose...

Am I a terrible person? Perhaps. It isn't real after all. She isn't real.

God forgive me if she were.

I want, need, someone like her with me. Maybe a male version, but who knows?

I get the distinct feeling that if I ever had a relationship with anybody, its going to be a painful one. If it isn't painful, it simply means I'm not serious about it.

It only hurts when you love.

I feel that I can't trust anybody that much. It's a barrier I can't seem to overcome. With friends it's easier. I dunno. Grace doesn't have much problems getting through to me most of the time. But I think its her personality that makes me open up. So that's an isolated case.

I'm frightened of commitment. What gives?

And here we all thought that the men were the only ones afraid of commitment.

If I gave too much of myself, I won't be able to take it back.

I guess I'm just chicken. I'm scared. I'm afraid they'll leave me.

And then I'll be alone again.

All alone.

Alone and empty inside.

This sucks.

So I'll just be little old me, not being serious about anything, just floating along. No pressure.

Like a game.

It's just like a game, don't you see? We're all playing, whether we like it or not.

Raise the stakes. You might get burnt. Who knows?

Who cares?

I don't. Not really.

Not anymore.

Dead eyes. I know those. Like a black hole it sucks all emotion away, leaving a huge gap in your soul.

Dead inside. Being unable to feel. I remember. It doesn't even hurt. Why should it?

You can't feel a thing anyway.

Dead like me. I'm alive. Do you think so? I guess. Maybe.

We all have to go someday.

A vision. My forehead slick with sweat.

I'm afraid.

I'm holding a gun. It feels heavy in my hand. Cold, smooth. I want to drop it.

In my own personal nightmare.

Four walls, closing in. You can't breathe, can't see...

Only someone else, faceless, staring at you.

All I had to do was fire the gun. Then the dream will fade. I'll be free, not trapped.

Kill that person. It's not real. Just an illusion.

Is it?

My lips, parched. My tongue flicking out, wetting it.

Hot breath stuck in my throat. I was afraid.

My hands were shaking.

I'm not afraid not afraid not afraid......

Kill him. Place the bullet between his eyes. End it. Save yourself.

I wanted to. I wanted it so much.

And I was so afraid.

He was little more than dead anyway. Like a corpse, his skin shone pallid white. Barely breathing, he stares at me.

Watching me. Waiting for my next move.

Taunting me. I was scared.

And he knew it.

You can't do it can't do it so weak so weak...

All that fear. Pressing in on me. My soul, shrivelling.

The ringing silence in my ears. Getting louder, louder.

Driving me crazy. I wanted it to stop, stop it all.

I wanted out of here.

I squeezed my eyes shut. The echoes...

And I pulled the trigger.

Again, again and....

Again.

I was screaming. Inside my head, in my mouth, I don't know. It was all the same.

I couldn't stop. Inside, something died.

6 times. 5 clicks.

One explosion.

I opened my eyes. Stared at the beautiful circle smack in the middle of his eyes.

Just a red hole in the middle of pale flesh.

A red trickle, slowly, certainly, oozing out, circling the rim.

Dead eyes. His. Mine were becoming the same.

Or already were.

I was shaking and couldn't stop. The gun slipped from suddenly nerve-less fingers.

Dead on the inside.

I felt sick. Overlaid by a sense of self-loathing.

You went and did it anyway. You wanted him dead. You could have stopped at the first trigger.

And I didn't. I just kept firing.

I wanted to live. That's all I wanted.

But really, am I?

What a vision. What a nightmare. In Peacemaker, Souji told Tetsunosuke that "if you want your revenge, abandon your humanity and take up the sword".

Tetsu refused.

What about me? Would I have refused too?

Or would I lose my soul and become a monster?

I don't know, I really don't.

And let's hope that choice never becomes available to me.

Rat Race

Running, running
Always Running.

Zip! Zoom! Left---
Right! Up! Down!
Hurry, hurry---
Finish this round!

Yes we'll do this! Yes---
We'll finish that! Oh....!
Let us hurry!

So many tasks to complete!
So many goals to fufill!
So little time! Come---
We MUST hurry!

Oh, so MANY things to do!
But look----
They're catching up!
Let's hurry, hurry, HURRY!!

Ah yes! Almost----
-----There! Faster faster!
On to Victory!

Almost---almost---almost--
--NO!

THUD! --falling like a house of cards--
SMACK! --get up get up--
WHAM! --can't...do it...--

Slowing... --down down--
Rest... --at last at last--
Tired... --no more too late farewell--

Finally ended
no more running blind
mice chasing the
merry-go-round
and round and round
and round and...

Stop.

===================================

Yeah this was the thing I had to do. I promised to post up the poem after Econs paper didn't I? Well, so I did. I kept a promise! Gasp!

Lol I guess I'd better leave now.

Cold. Hungry. Home?

Yeah!! *pumps fist in air*

Econs is over!!

Now only Literature left, and I'm good at Literature.

Nope I'm not bragging. It's known as bragging only if it isn't true.

And since I got a C for Literature the last time during common test, and its the highest grade I got out of all my A level subjects, AND the fact that its one of 3 Cs scored by the entire Literature cohort (the highest being one measly B), I can say that I'm relatively good.

You know, I'd always thought that Econs was going to be a disaster. It wasn't. Honest.

I mean, I made it. I felt a sense of effusive peace after my paper. It was as if I knew that I wouldn't be in serious danger of failing my paper. Which was good, of course. Especially since I need all the points I can get to offset my lousy History grade.

The best and most astonishing part of the whole business was, of course, that I did the whole paper on an empty stomach.

That's right, I haven't taken breakfast, nor lunch, and was going on empty. But it didn't bother me at all.

Actually, it only started to bother me right now. I'm having a headache. Ugh.

Am I gonna confess to my dad that I forgot to eat? Nope.

Am I gonna collapse soon? Probably yes, but one can hope.

Do I really care about my grades? Heck yes.

Why? It runs in contrary to my usual philosophy. But you see, if I get bad grades NOW, it means I will be rousted out of my comfortable routine and forced to slog like the mules I so despise. Therefore, getting good grades is simply a means to stay the way I am now.

Actually, I am so glad that I'm an IT geek. You know why? Cuz the essay questions I did, both of them, were IT-related. Muahahahhaahha!

Serious. The first question was on MP3 players, and I knew quite a bit about that. I mean, I was quoting prices of the various models. How much geekier can I get than that?

The 2nd question was talking about R&D spenditure by large firms, and they mentioned Nokia and Microsoft. Naturally, I had plenty to say. At least, I had a few examples to quote and back up my argument. Gyahahahhaha....

I mean, I even dredged up the old Microsoft-booting-Netscape out of the industry story as an example to make my point. And I even used recent complaints by consumers in the newspapers about Nokia's lousy after-sale customer service as a point in my essay.

Man, I'm really working it baby.

Ok enough smugness. It might have bad karma.

Now for Literature tomorrow. I pray for a nicely sad poem for PC. It's the only way I can pass that section.

I suppose I owe Mr Tan Chai Kwang a vote of thanks. If I hadn't paid as much attention as I did to his second-last tutorial, I wouldn't have been able to do the essays quite as well.

Now, before I really collapse due to extreme cold and hunger, I shall sign out and hightail it outta here.

But wait, I have something else to do.....

Ah well you guys will see it later.

Byeee!! *waves enthusiastically*

Dreaming of Home
Fleeting images sweep and haunt
Ghostly memories float and taunt---
There in that souless house
That wasn't home.

Shadows coalesced into single vision,
Building, brick by brick
That wonderful refuge,
Home away from home.

Of sad, sweet times---
Foundations of warmth and security
See there, a pane reflecting joy and unity--
Another, in contentment and comfort.
There, slab on slab of care and concern--
Mortared with peace and abiding love.

A child lies sprawled on an armchair-----
There, she teeters on a rickety stool---
Falls, laughing off a bicycle
She bleeds, injured
But not afraid----or alone---

That home filled with peace
Warmth, love and joy
Shining bright--comforting--
A haven in times of strife.

Alas, that vision fades
Glowing peace cedes to aching shadows----
Splendid no longer,
A crumbling old ruin---
Broken, cracked
Tumbled to dust and ashes.

Joy no longer
Peace abides not here---
There are only tears
Of loneliness
And regret.

For the foundation has gone---
The mortar rotted
Like a house of cards
It all falls apart.

All in a Dream ---whispers in the wind---
We can visit ---don't leave---
Live that lie ---is it time?---
That for just a while
We can be happy again.

======================================

Dropped by before Econs to post a poem. I'll post the other one after Econs...or tomorrow, depends....

I just came out from History exam.

Well not just. I stopped by for some food at the canteen.

But anyway I have finished my History paper. Joy.

I am royally screwed up for SEA History. What is new and different? I don't even know how exactly to approach the stupid question.

It was slightly better for the Cold War questions. Both of them. I'm so glad I took time off to study the origins of the cold war. If not I wouldn't have anything to say for the Berlin Crisis at all.

And luckily I studied the Middle East. Well all of us knew that Mr Yoong was evil enough to set that question.

Of course they didn't really expect him to be evil enough to set that Berlin question, since I heard many people bemoaning the fact that they neglected revising the origins of cold war section.

I don't expect to get any more than an O for History. If I can get a E it would be a bloody miracle. It might even convert me back to my religion. Seriously.

Or not.

We'll see.

Alright.

What was I going to say?

I had lots to say.

Where did it go?

*ponders*

Probably got flushed away after the History paper.

Gee how comforting.

I had a very invocative thought session yesterday before I started my last minute mugging session. If I recall clearly, it involved the idea of entertainment.

I remember only this line:

This, coming from a people who thought watching humans being torn apart by lions was entertaining.

I was referring to the Romans of antiquity, in case you don't understand.

The idea of humour is vague. What was funny a few centuries ago may not be funny now.

Of course, what is funny now is probably considered vulgar or heretical a few centuries ago.

Perceptions change after all.

I just had a mildly interesting thought.

Humans are supposed to be made in the image of God right? Of course, God is the embodiment of good, so all the bad stuff we see in humans come from Mr Devil.

So continuing that assumption, if humans have the propensity for humour, that goes to show that God probably does have a very developed sense of humour too, doesn't it?

Kinda reverse evaluation in progress.

God definitely has a sense of humour. One of my friends, while praying to God one day at church, and was struck down by the power of God, lay there on the floor. There, she had a random thought about when God was going to release her and let her get up, since she had been lying there for a long while.

And then she heard a voice in the deepest reaches of her mind.

You know, I could keep you here forever if I wanted to.

I believe that was God. Being humorous. In a very scary sort of way.

We had a good laugh over it later when she shared it. I guess we all concluded God was funny when He chose to be. Lolz.

Anyway, thinking about that, I believe God has a very unique sense of humour. I mean, he made humans. Hello? That say anything to you?

Plus, in the Bible, those parables Jesus told had a certain humourous quality in them if you look a bit more closely. I mean, the whole picking out of the "plank in your eye" before you pick out the "speck" in another's eye had a certain exaggerated humour, don't you think?

And then another weird thought occured to me while I was musing about God's sense of humour.

You know, I've always wondered about why God made the world. The Bible says he made the world, but it never ever really says why it was made in the first place. It's like there's this big mystery to why God created the universe. We won't dispute that He made it, but why did He make it?

Some people suggest that He was experimenting. I kind of agree. I mean, He made Eve different from Adam because He decided they shouldn't be the same? Or something along those lines.

And the whole referring to God as a "He". It stands to reason actually. If God made Man in His image, and He made Adam first, it kind of makes sense that God is male right?

I wonder why God wanted to tinker with it and create a different kind of human from Adam though. Sure, God wanted Adam to have a companion, but why a woman? He could have just made another guy and the two of them could be best buds and not worry about the complexities of figuring out the other gender.

Not that I should complain. If God didn't make Eve I wouldn't exist the way I am now.

Anyway coming back to the point. Notice the trend of reality tv amongst us in these past few years?

Applying reverse evaluation, I think God made us for his own entertainment. Of sorts.

Reality TV at its best.

Get it?

I mean, this is reality right? They always say: reality is stranger than fiction. I totally agree.

You have soap operas, comedy, drama, action, morbidity and all the other genres rolled into one entertaining package known as Real Life.

I'm sure God is really amused.

Nobody makes it quite like Him eh? We try with our own programs, but when it comes to what happens in real life, our tv programs are really quite bland. And boring.

Ok enough of all these. I have other things to do and I'm freezing my fingers off in here.

Take care everyone while I mug at home for Econs!

Mug? Her? That's a laugh.

I won't even dignify that with an answer.

Bye!