Aeternus, Eternus

Nay.

I am sad!!!!

Lol.

Actually, I just feel guilty. Blah.

Cousin just called, and I feel like mud on the floor. Well, I did miss her wedding. I think some guilt is in order.

Updated on her life, but while I'm surprised (mildly), I'm not really shocked. It just takes so much more to shock me. Haha.

Sigh. Why am I sighing so much? Don't know.

Now excuse me while I got drown my sorrows in orange juice.

Have I mentioned how much I hate PMS?

Urgh.

Having out of control hormones is NOT good.

Been reading Slayers fanfiction. Yes, I know its old, I know its cheesy, and I know that I'm really old-fashioned, but hey, its classic. Cheesy classic, but classic nevertheless.

Been thinking. The whole idea of order and chaos has been lingering on my mind, and this fic just reinforces it. Basically, ladies and gentlemen, there is no Good or Evil, just Order and Chaos. One cannot exist without the other. It's that simple.

Of course, I'm not going to get into the whole business of discussing cosmic theory before dinner time. I'm not in the mood.

Got into some self-reflection. Xellos and Iyzeka are VERY psychologically disturbed in the fic.......and with good reason. It's intriguing really. The author, in her notes, state that Xellos was NOT ready for a relationship 700 years ago (basically, when the anime ended). Considering his psychological state, and the unresolved issues he has to deal with, I'm inclined to agree.

Iyzeka...is very innocent. She is aware of many things, but she has a very simple view of how the world works. She can probably recite the Kama Sutra from back to front and understand every single position and technique, but she is still rather innocent in the morality aspect. Innocence, but not ignorance apparently. Interesting little thing, isn't she?

What has that to do with me? Nothing really. I'm not as damaged as Xellos is, certainly. The guy has near-genocide staining his psyche, not to mention eons of social brainwashing that managed to impact him very negatively. And I'm not like Iyzeka; nobody can be quite as innocent as she is. Granted though, she starts losing the edges of it towards the last few chapters I read. It's hard not to when you're forced to kill in order to protect the ones you love.

Damn hormones. I just yelled at my granny again for nagging at me. I don't want to yell at her, but there's only so much one can take. Especially when its at that "time of the month". Sigh. I hate biological insanity.

Ugh. Anyway, I was wondering, am I ready for a relationship? You know, just wondering. I'm 18, and I've never had a relationship of any kind beyond the platonic. And no, I don't think itnernet flings count. Besides, I was only 14 then, give me a break.

I'm a lot like Filia in that story. She blames herself very often, and is very dependent on Xellos emotionally (although she would never admit it, especially not to him). Darn, the similarities are a bit discomfiting. I didn't need to know some things, but I do anyway. Life sucks sometimes.

And it just struck me that if Filia is attracted to someone as psychologically unbalanced as Xellos is, then what about someone like me? Oh dear...I'm in trouble aren't I? I just KNEW I was a magnet for psychologically disturbed individuals...being partially disturbed as it is myself. Darn, just when I thought life couldn't get any MORE complicated...

...and I probably just jinxed it even worse. *smacks forehead* I just had to go ahead and say it, didn't I? Stupid, stupid me.

As Kanai says, I'm her psycho bunny. Yeah, I know. Psycho BUNNY. Ugh. Oh well. It could be worse. You just know that something that cute has to be evil. Haha.

Sigh. So I'm probably going to fall in love with a psychologically disturbed individual with occasional violent tendencies and which I'll have an emotional dependency on.

That sounds familiar. Oh dear. I think I already have. Oh no.......

Story of my life. NOW I know why I'm so attracted to that particular person. Sigh. I have deep seated issues to deal with. And I need professional help. Desperately. Soon. Please?

...And I just realised that in all that waffling around above, I STILL haven't resolved the primary issue I set out to discuss, that is, whether I'm ready for a relationship at all. Am I? Will I be? I don't know. I need to grow up a little more.

Makes me wish I had a Val to gently guide me onto the path to emotional growth. Sigh.

So, am I ready for emotional entanglement? My instinctive response is a firm "No". As much as I crave love, I'm afraid that I'm not quite ready to handle being IN love and to deal with the emotional baggage and responsibility that comes with it. I'm too frightened of commitment and responsibility at the moment to even consider a serious relationship that won't just degenerate into a short-lived fling.

And no, despite my penchant for sadism on some level, I'm not evil enough to want to hurt someone else who might genuinely care for me that way. I'm not ready, and I know it. If I embark of any kind of romantic entanglement, I'd get hurt...but not quite as badly as I'll hurt the other person, if that other person does care for me, their hurt will probably be greater.

I don't want to be a burden to whoever gets saddled with me. Until I'm ready to deal with myself, I can't let anyone else take care of me that way. Even if all I want to do is to abandon my fears and just jump into the nearest warm embrace, and pretend that everything is fine. I just CAN'T do that, not if I want to emerge out of this whole mess intact and stronger. If I don't grow up, people will get hurt...including me. Especially me.

But how the heck does one go about growing up emotionally? Damn. Physical growth is so much easier in comparison...everything is programmed before you are even bornt into the world. Haiz. If life were so easy, it wouldn't be half as fun. Damn it. Damn it all.

Darn. This is turning into one of those psychoanalyzing posts where I dissect my personality and mindset for general consumption. Does anybody (barring Kanai) actually find this sort of thing entertaining or worth reading? I don't know. I don't know many things.

At least I know that I don't know, and accept the fact while trying to alter that state. Entropy. Chaos. Ha. Entropy is change, isn't it? The world is in constant flux. I don't even TAKE physics. Maybe I should. It seems to help me in my understanding of the world.

And this is the time where I wished that I were immortal, so I would have all the time in the world to learn new things, and better understand myself and the world around me. It seems like I've spent the better part of my life groping around for understanding, trying to make sense of everything...and not particularly succeeding very well.

Minimal progress...but better than nothing. I love to learn, to think, to understand. As much as CT thinks that she knows that part of me, I don't think she really understands what exactly I mean when I told her about my love for learning.

I like to learn because I realise that there are so many things we don't know, and don't understand. I want to learn, because I don't understand myself, my meaning, and the world at large around me. I want to understand other people, know myself, know why I act the way I do, know why others act the way they do. Deep down, I'm a rational and logical person, probably too much so, because I keep trying to make sense of EVERYTHING, and its starting to drive me crazy, because there's no way a mortal can do that. At least, not in a mortal's lifetime.

I like knowing, because it gives me a sense of control, and a deep-seated satisfaction. Understanding something makes me feel good. Not knowing just drives me crazy...well, crazier then usual that is. Heh.

It's one of the reason why I don't function well in the modern world like that. I can't adapt as well I want to, or need to. I can't FORCE myself to adhere to the rules, even though I know its the logical, rational thing to do if I want to have any hope of making it out there. I know I should, but I can't. It's one of the things that continue to baffle me...or not.

Because I understand what keeps me from doing it. I know what it is, but I can't say it here. It betrays too much, is too much. I can't say it. Not here. As Xellos would say though, it's a secret! Haha.

Knowing that doesn't make me feel better. It makes me feel...dirty. Unclean. Filthy. More worthless than usual. A deep contempt for myself. As usual. I feel just so cheapened by that knowledge.

Sometimes, not knowing can be a blessing.




Quote, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

"Look at them. Throwing themselves about... completely unaware of the danger that surrounds them." (Giles)

"Lucky them." (Buffy)

1 hour and 17 minutes to freedom of speech!

But before that, I have one big question...or one big statement. I find it hard to decide...ah well.

Communication.

Hmm. Yeah that's it. That's all I will say for now.

Damn I must be pretty tired to be babbling nonsense here. Of course, I don't usually need to be tired to babble nonsense, its just the quality of the nonsense has declined significantly. Ugh.

Having a fuzzy brain sucks.

Just wanting, communication!

...................

WTF????

*counts off mentally* That makes 3 colored voices in my head. O___o;;;;;

And yes, I recognise why the line came from. From a song. *cough* Can't say where cos of speech restrictions.

Yep, definitely not in the frame of mind here....yawn....where was I?

*blinks* Sleepy....

I love you, I need youuuuuuuuuuuu~~~~

*sweatdrops* Uh......is this turning into some kind of really bad karaoke session?

Darn right it is, can't a guy get a decent rest anymore?

Oh hi Chaos. I gather you were sleeping?

Gee, how did you freaking know, genius?

Hey, quit with the sarcasm! I'm pretty bummed out here too!

Mama, I love you~~~ Mama, I care~~~

*sweatdrop*
*sweatdrop*

Um, copyright?????

*blinks, then turns to look at me* Since when did YOU care?

....point.

I love you baby baby~~~

*eye twitch*

*looks nervous* Breathe, Chaos. Breathe!

....rrrr.....

Not good....so not good....

Everything I do~~~~ I do it for you~~~~

*mega-sized sweatdrop* Somehow I find it deeply disturbing to have a little voice in my head that is fond of bad karaoke......

*stress mark on forehead* Not to mention the damage its causing to our mental health!

*raised eyebrow* How can your mental health be any MORE damaged than it already is???

*blink* Uh....right....k.....WTF AM I DOING AGREEING WITH YOU???

Definitely stress.... *gulps and backs away*

You are my only, my only one~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*twitch*
*twitch*

Time for damage control! *rubs hands together gleefully*

About time!

*screen blanks out*
*more offkey singing, followed by a strangled cry*
*loud explosions in background*

----------THE END-----------

....for now, anyway.

I have nothing to say. Because Grace is evil and made an evil deal. So I got nothing to say for 3 days. Just an advance warning.

Btw, isn't Yuna hot? I much prefer her with the short hair though. And have I said how much I adore the song? Hehe.

Gtg now. Catch ya later!

Because we are all children.

And children are selfish angry wanting we can't be like that teaching guiding scolding us to stop but not all can we still want take have want it NOW and won't stop give it to me now innocent free shining eyes bright asking begging pleading scheming bright eyes free untainted desiring more wanting to know give it to me NOW can't wait want more want everything don't want to know about anything just give us life give us love give us all we want without weight without pain without duty want want want more and more and don't tell us anything we don't want to hear......please?

I really really don't want to know.

Really really.

What is it? No, its better for you not to know too.

Now please, get that stupid mental image out of my head right now.

Because I really really didn't NEED to know.

I don't pretend to offer any answers, or any solutions.

Because I know there aren't any, at least none I can give.

I won't ask if you don't want me to, and I won't interfere unless you will it.

But if you need me, I'll be there.

I can't solve your problems, and I won't pretend that I can.

But I can offer a listening ear, and a shoulder to cry on, for what it's worth.

I can't make the pain go away, nor chase the fears away.

But I can share the agony, be by your side, until it's over, or until you don't need me anymore.

I won't promise a better future, or that you'll be happy.

All I can do, is to extend a hand, inviting you to run with me.

It won't make it any better, but it's better than staying still.

Run with me, and find yourself out there.

As for me, when you're done and gone home, I'll keep running.

Because that is all I know how to do.
_____________________________________________________________


Dedicated to friends who can't get over the pain in their lives. I don't promise anything, only that I'll be there.

And yes, that includes you, who until now still cannot forget HIM. Run with me, because that's all I have to offer. Who knows, you might find something out there that will make it better.

Can't get over that line Yumie says to Heinkel.

"Run with me, Sister Heinkel.
Having a purpose eases the pain."

And an outstretched hand, neither giving, nor taking. Simply waiting, waiting for one to take it. A gesture, an offer. You make the choice, you seal the decision. There's no pressure for you to accept.

So I say, run with me. I can't make any promises, but only that if you keep moving, you'd find something. You might also never find anything, but then again, the journey is more important than the destination, isn't it?

Alright, enough introspectiveness. I'm not a good friend, probably will never be. At least not by normal standards, that is. And of course, you do have to be considered a friend of mine before I extend that option to you. And that in itself isn't that easy.

Ok, I'm stopping this nonsense. Goodbye and goodnight.

...give me life give me pain give me myself again...

Some things should never be said. That much I know.

And that just inspired me to do something. Please excuse me.

A dream, yet so unlike a dream.
A figure, a fuzzy outline. So very far away, and yet so dangerously close.
Soft fingers reach out to caress a silky soft cheek, and she smiles, faint on faint.
Fingers entwined in gentle embrace, mimicking the actions of body and soul.
Soft sighs on velvet night, heated whispers echoing in iridscent silence.
"You're beautiful," she sighs, stroking your hair as she comes closer.
"So are you," you reply, shifting into her warm embrace. "Let's stay like this forever."
"What if I have to leave?" Her voice is playful, her warm breath tickling of your neck.
You freeze in her arms, and she notices, tightening her arms around your soft form.
"Don't worry, I won't leave. I won't ever leave you." She speaks soothingly, cradling you in a protective embrace.
You sigh and close your eyes, leaning against her. "You don't know that. You can't." Your voice is pained, resigned.
She breathes out gently, and you sense her pain. Reaching out, you return her protective hold, determined to shield her at all costs. Even from her own pain.
She glances down, their eyes meet. Raw pain, naked fear...and an unflinching trust? A long silence, and then a slow smile on your face, soon followed by a radiant one on hers.
"We can get through this," your voice is firm and unwavering, but also soft and soothing. She looks at you for a moment, before a genuine smile once again grips that beautiful face.
"Thank you." She leans forward, you arch upwards, and then...

...nothing. You wake up in your own bed, shivering and panting slightly. You look around, searching for something, anything. You find none, nothing that you were searching for.

Suddenly the bed seems cold, and far too empty. You hug your arms close to your body, trying to remember the warmth in the dream. Vainly, you search in a wild frenzy through your mind, desperate to find that elusive face from your dream. Yet it eludes you, always lingering just out of reach, always partially out of sight. You touch a warm smile here, and twinkling eyes there, but never seeing fully the angel that balanced your very heart in between her delicate hands.

"I love you," a beautiful, familiar voice rings at the edge of your consciousness. You shiver, digging your fingers deeper into your arms. Unbidden, silent tears course down your face, and a helpless moan escapes slightly parted lips. It was all too much, knowing that somewhere, someone, some time ago, you loved and were loved, but now you couldn't even find that who haunts your dreams.

"Help..." you whisper into the uncaring night, letting your plea be carried away on the cool breeze, hoping, desperately, that it might find your dream lover, that she would hear and come to you, and hold you once again like she always did, chasing away the fears and pain.

It was hopeless of course, that much you knew. There was no way she could hear, and no way for her to come to you right now. There wasn't even any proof of her ever having existed, except in the hollow vaults of your stricken mind. The truth strikes deep in the center of your soul, and the tears come faster. Blood streams down from the ragged wounds gouged open by your hooked fingers, but you barely notice the pain, lost as you were in a sea of it already.

Somewhere out there, a girl sits up, an aching void in her center, as if she were missing something. Something important...and what were these tears doing, running freely down her face? She gasps suddenly as she hears a near-silent plea for help, and her heart wrung itself out at the raw need and vulnerability in that plaintive voice. Clutching at her chest, she stumbles to the window, looking out into the night. Her eyes scanned the view, searching desperately, for what she did not know. Only that it was important, and it wasn't with her as it should be. Something precious......more than anything else in the world. Why couldn't she find it? That longing in her heart was driving her crazy, and the tears that came now were her own, of frustration and desperation.

They wept, past, present and future. Separated as they were, they could not be whole. And so they cried out to each other, hearing yet not finding, that which bound them together not enough to bring them together. And it drove them mad, knowing the other was there but never able to find them.

Would they ever find each other? Only time would tell...


Ok so I'm being evil. So sue me. Drabble-ish? You bet. Angst? You got it. Romance? Spades and spades of it...all unresolved though. Heh. I'm cruel that way.

Was thinking about Minako and Rei for some reason when I did that. I would never do that to Haruka and Michiru, love them too much to do that to them. Heh. I've got a fucked up mind.

Well...it was fun writing it. Nightmares...get them all the time. Never so intense though. Lucky me. Not so lucky them. I would feel pity, but I don't, because I'm not them.

Or is it really? Who knows? Do you?

But you can't, and neither can I. Heh.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

NO.

Times like these make me wonder if I have bipolar disorder...or something along those lines.

No.

No.

...no...

...no.

Just...no.

I want to kiss you taste you hold you in my arms
Again watch you tease you protect you
From afar see you adore you miss you
Always caring guarding loving you.

I blame Shane's shoujo-ai series for this little interlude. Just finished reading Arisuguwa's Locket and Eternal City: Crystal Tokyo. Both of them are huge crossovers involving universes from anime and tv series quite extensively. And almost all couples are lesbians. I say almost because Usagi and Mamoru (aka Neo-Queen Serenity and King Endymion) are together and very much in love.

It's quite amusing to have so many shoujo-ai pairings in one gigantic fic. But somehow it comes off right, and its cute/funny/hilarious. Moments that make you go 'aww', and the evil smirk that comes on whenever sexual innuendo is implied. Just think the 'rooms upstairs' in Arisugawa's Locket. Hehe.

And some of my favorite lesbian pairings are there! Haruka and Michiru! Chibi-usa and Hotaru! (Yeah I got converted by the fic x__x) Seras and Integra! Rei and Asuka! Maya and Ritsuko! And the list goes on. Haha. I've got a long list of anime to dive into, especially those with hints of possible shoujo-ai pairings. Like Bubblegum Crisis, Revolutionary Girl Utena, possibly Tenchi Muyo (yes I know all the girls are interested in Tenchi, but for some odd reason I like Washu. It must be the mad scientist thing...). Lots and lots. Muahahaha....

Haha. Even the OCs were great. 'Tuxedo Erica'? Haha. In case you were wondering, that's Erica Tenoh, daughter of Haruka and Michiru. Don't ask. XD

And of course, Ran Mizuno, daughter of Rei and Ami. Who proclaims to actually "be attracted to guys, no matter how rare that seems to be in this city". Hehe. Which is true, since in Shane's little universe (or huge overlapping one, if you want to be picky), about 90% of all the featured couples are lesbians. Haha.

Ok, enough of random talk. Time to get back to work.

Last note though, a Minako/Rei PGSM fic was newly discovered by me! Yay! That rocks! Especially when both of them are in character. It even inspired me to come up with my own Minako/Rei drabble. Haha. No, I'm not posting it yet, it needs more work. Hehe.

Ok that's enough for today. Adios!

I liked my poem in the previous post.

What can I say, I'm a genius that way.

Ooooh the ego strikes again!

Great, Chaos is back. Hey there buddy!

*pause* You did not just call me......buddy?

*cheerfully* I'm afraid I just did......sweetheart.

o___o *checks temperature* Feels normal...who are you and where's the real thing?!

*pout* Awww can't you accept that I'm actually feeling...nice today?

*blink* I just need...time...to adjust my thinking...

*big grin* I'm feeling good today. I don't know why...heck, actually I do. Ah, none of them freaking business.

*suspicious* This wouldn't have anything to do with you discovering the Rei/Asuka pairing in Evangelion, would it?

*blinks innocently* Why, would that be a problem?

*cough* Strictly speaking, no. But I guess the whole waking up scene this morning would rather be kept as private business, wouldn't you say, hmmm?

........
........
........

That's freaking blackmail, Chaos!

*preens* Precisely my point. Atta girl.

...never mind. As for your question, yes and no. Yes, because Rei/Asuka is freaking funny when done right. "Pilot Soryu" indeed. Hehe Ayanami Rei, you're not fooling anybody with that stoic look!

Is it me or do I sense fangirlism in the air?

It's you. I think they're cute together, but I haven't descended to that condition yet. Shinji/Rei on the hand though...

Interesting. A hetero couple.

Hey, I've nothing against heterosexuality.

Nope, but you're obviously obsessed with homosexuality.

Gee, obvious much Chaos?

You don't even bother to deny it? *pretends shock*

Hey, it's not like I have anything to argue against that hypothesis.

Good point...this blog is practically littered with evidence against you.

Glad you realised. Anyway, my happiness...and also partly irritation, came from one realisation.

That you're gay?

Ha. Ha. Ha.

NO.

...although I wouldn't bet against that proposition anytime in the future.

Ahem.

It's just that...and I can't believe I'm even admitting to this at all, that I actually like regulation.

*pause*

*waits some more*

*tap dances a bit*

What?

*blinks* Oh, you mean that's it?

What do you mean by that smartass?

Oh, I don't know, I expected something a bit more earthshaking is all. You know, of the "WTF I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY FELT THAT!!" sort.

Hey, even someone as remarkable as I has her limits too.

*gasp* You admitted to your weaknesses!

One of them Chaos. One of them.

Aw what the heck, like I didn't know it before.

Idiot showoff.

Forget him.

Heck, this post makes me look like I'm on crack. Which I thankfully am not in reality. But it still makes me look marginally insane, one of those rare occasions I let that surface here...

Marginally?

Rare?

..........

..........

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU??!!!
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!!!??

Who, me?

Yes, you in the god awful bright lettering.

This coming from someone using aqua as her font color.

*eyebrow twitches* Relative of yours, Chaos?

I would generally think that relatives of mine had better pedigree.

As much as I hate to agree with you, I concede that point.

If that was meant to be an insult, it sure was poorly done.

Snotty, check.
Arrogant, check.
Uppity, check.
Bitchy, check.

*pause*

I think it came from YOUR side of the family.

Very funny Chaos. Now do I deserve the honor of an introduction, oh your Bright-and-Yellowness?

My name is none of your concern. In fact, I should go. I do not know why I waste my time here with a pair of clearly mentally impaired sociopaths. Instead of dallying here any longer to waste my most precious breath, I should go on my High and Mighty Way. Adieu!

*vanishes in a burst of flashy golden sparks*

That was...odd.

Yep, definitely your side of the family.

Very funny. Anyway, I need to go now. It's been fun here catching up with old acquaintances!

I'm not old.

Figuratively speaking.

Never mind. When do I ever bother about that sneaky little ass anyway?

Like, right now?

Aw darn, you caught me out. *sarcastic*

If that was an attempt at humour, it flopped. You two disgust me.

I thought it was gone!

So did I!

I am Everywhere and Anywhere. I am Omnipresent! I am Omniscent! And there's nothing you two losers can do about it! *does a fair imitation of the Classic Evil Cackle (TM)*

*vein popping out of forehead* Are you thinking what I'm thinking Chaos?

Ready when you are girlfriend.

I'm not your......oh what the f***.

*cackling is interrupted halfway as two figures tackles it*

I am Omniscent! All Powerful! You cannot stop ME! I am *mrfugh*

Eeew.

*glare* You're NOT helping Chaos.

*looks a teensy weensy bit freaked out* How can you...

I don't want to talk about it right NOW. *growls, then shifts uncomfortably*

*still staring* Hmm...I don't even know whether to be disgusted or envious.

Not now Chaos. *forehead wrinkled over, sweat dripping down*

Um...k. *notes to self: not to irritate female when one displays signs of imminent PMS*

*makes incoherent growly noises*

*shudders* I think we should just stop here. Like, right now.

Good bye and good day. It's been fun.

*mutters to self* Now...what do I do? *eyes wander over* Or...never mind.

Walls

Brick by brick we tore
__________These walls
Down
To reach and touch
Your hands
_________My hands
_________________Our hands

Building
______From rubble
Old walls to new walls
Gravel by gravel
Up
High and wide and far away
Our hearts
_________Minds
_________________Souls apart

Krista, your IQ score is 133

The way you think about things makes you an Imaginative Mastermind. This means you are an extremely talented person, with a wide range of skills. There is little to nothing you can't do if you want to. You're very creative and you can express your ideas effectively through a variety of different means whether it's written or spoken words, numbers, or anything else. You also have a practical knowledge of how things work in the world — you've been paying attention and you pick things up easily.

Lol.

You're great with numbers, whether you enjoy math or not. Your results show that you're not only good at calculations, you are much better than most people at understanding how to use numbers to your advantage.

How do we know that's your true talent? While you were taking the test, we calculated your responses to each test question and rated your skills in 5 areas. You scored highest on numerical ability.

People like you manage their personal finances with ease. In the work world, your numeric skill can help you in a variety of ways. Because so many other people have trouble understanding numbers and figures, you really have an opportunity to shine and use this talent to your advantage.

And that's just a small part of what we know about you from your test results. You also have other hidden talents that can have a dramatic effect on your career, your life and how other people see you.

Double lol.

Shows a lot, doesn't it? XD

I...suddenly felt loved.

What brought on the sudden reaction, you may ask? Well, I just checked my account at FFnet, and realised that 5 people put me on author alert. FIVE. And that means a lot to me.

As you probably know, my self-esteem has never been the most unshakable. In fact, it's rather fragile. So I do like constant reassurance that I don't suck. Haha.

Of course, some authors have like hundreds of people putting them on author alert. Me, I only have five, but five is still better than none. Tis a good start for someone who is as non-updating as me. Hehe.

Just received a review too for Before The Light, and it really touched me. So I'm going to start writing again because I had been getting dejected from the total lack of reviews. Authors do need some recognition and affirmation of that ability, and I am human too you know. I need a bit of confidence. Scratch that, make it a lot.

Haha. Just came back not too long ago from watching the school play put on by the drama club. It was pretty good. I was suitably entertained. Well, sort of. The first production was supposed to be sad and dramatic and stuff, but I guess the whole theme of war and what it does to people has been done to death, so I pretty much knew everything they were trying to convey. The acting was pretty ok though, couple of flubs here and there, but hey, it's good for an amateur production. And Vicks, you rock. XD

Second production was pretty darn funny. I was hugely amused by the whole bitching back and forth between Helen and Agnes. Great lines delivered there. Lots of symbolism (as in the first one too).

I spent a lot of time in both productions thinking about symbols and stuff and effect and all that other literary nonsense. Like I said many times before, Literature is a full time occupation. It's becoming an occupational hazard. We start analyzing anything and everything.

For example, I found it significant that Agnes repeats an exchange with Beatrice from the opening towards the middle of the play. Something about the fact that "there are always deeper meanings underneath the surface" etc etc, and it basically brings out the fact that despite the seeming split in the family, there ARE deeper meanings we can coax out of the somewhat antagonistic relationships the sisters (mostly Helen and Agnes) have. Haha. Thinking like a true Lit student again. Dramatic irony? Maybe.

Oh, and the knives falling off the counter when they were rushing Jeffery to the hospital? Juxtatposed against the background knowledge that before their sister Janet went into a coma, she also knocked the very same set of knives to the floor. Foreshadowing Jeffery's condition? He appeared to be expected for an extended stay in the hospital for the next scene. So yeah.

Ok, stopping the literary analysis already. Haha. I should so stop doing that.

I also came to a small realisation during the whole outing. I shall keep most of it to myself though.

But here's something I realised. One thing out of many, deeper issues.

That despite everything, under any and all circumstances, the only one who is always there and needing me is myself. And that, is going to have to be enough.

Always.

I know that you're hiding things
Using gentle words to shelter me
Your words were like a dream
But dreams could never fool me
Not that easily

I acted so distant then
Didn't say goodbye before you left
But I was listening
You'll fight your battles far from me
Far too easily

"Save your tears cause I'll come back"
I could hear that you whispered as you walked through that door
But still I swore
To hide the pain when I turn back the pages
Shouting might have been the answer
What if I'd cried my eyes out and begged you not to depart
But now I'm not afraid to say what's in my heart

Though a thousand words
Have never been spoken
They'll fly to you
Crossing over the time and distance holding you
Suspended on silver wings

And a thousand words
One thousand confessions
Will cradle you
Making all of the pain you feel seem far away
They'll hold you forever

The dream isn't over yet
Though I often say I can't forget
I still relive that day
"You've been there with me all the way"
I still hear you say

"Wait for me I'll write you letters"
I could see how you stammered with your eyes to the floor
But still I swore to hide the doubt
When I turn back the pages
Anger might have been the answer
What if I'd hung my head and said that I couldn't wait
But now I'm strong enough to know it's not too late

Cause a thousand words
Call out through the ages
They'll fly to you
Even though we can't see I know they're reaching you
Suspended on silver wings

Oh a thousand words
One thousand embraces
Will cradle you
Making all of your weary days seem far away
They'll hold you forever

Oh a thousand words
Have never been spoken
They'll fly to you
They'll carry you home and back into my arms
Suspended on silver wings ohhh

And a thousand words
Call out through the ages
They'll cradle you
Turning all of the lonely years to only days
They'll hold you forever

I just adore this song. It's too...just too...emotional. Or maybe I'm just crazy. The japanese version is cool too. Haha.

Ah well. I don't know what to say. Don't really know if anything can be said.

All's done is done. We can't change it. Can kick myself for it, but can't change it.

Oh well.

Argh.

That's all I'm gonna state for how I feel.

Blah blah, blah blah.

On a nicer note, PGSM Rei and Minako rock. *cough* Yes, totally off the point, but yeah, they do.

Just realised that Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is not only PGSM Minako's theme song (one of them anyway), but it is in a sense also MY theme song...now...if only I could live up to that hope in the song. At least it ends on a happy note (even though Minako dies in the first timeline...ah well).

It's just that first line that gets to me.

I'm sorry for hiding my face in sadness
I even forgot the way to walk

That's what I've been doing all along huh?

Tears...I'm not going to show them
Because inside of me
There is a battle

Do I even need to explain?

So yeah, Minako rocks because I can identify with her. Haha.

Anyway, downloaded 1000 words, both the english and japanese versions. Both are equally good, but something about the english version seizes my emotions and refuses to let go, probably because I can understand the lyrics. Haha. But I felt that the japanese version sounds more even. Hehe.

Anyway, I need to go now. Will post the lyrics here tomorrow. Maybe. Night.

I made a HUGE mistake in reading shoujo-ai fanfics earlier. Lemon fanfics to boot. Now I'm feeling distinctly uncomfortable. Physically, I mean. I got over the embarrassment part already.

Damn. It's disturbing what kind of pairings get me worked up the most. Of course it also depends on the writer's skill. Sigh.

Oh and I just read a Rebecca/Wesker lemon. Was pretty good. That writer's talented, he/she's on my favorite authors list. Angst is fun. Of course, the smut was fun too, but the main focus was teh angst, and that just rocks.

Feeling uncomfortably warm now even with the fan on. I really need air conditioning if I want to read these stuff. Haha.

Can't say its a closet fetish anymore, since I actually posted it here on my blog, which is open to public. Ah well. I could do worse. So do I have any other closet fetishes? Hmm... *ponders*

Well...I can think of one...actually nothing too serious, but its rather amusing. Haha. No I'm not sharing what it is. A girl's gotta keep a few secrets too ya know.

Yadda yadda yadda. Don't think I could have a dreamless sleep tonight. If nothing else, kinky dreams will be a given. Sigh. More likely I'll have one of those disturbing semi-nightmares again that makes me wake up with a raised eyebrow. I do have an overactive imagination.

Well, I gotta go now. Cya.

Meh.

I'm gonna go sleep in about 15 minutes, so yeah.

If all the stuff on my blog isn't obvious enough, I should probably realise by now that I'm most likely lesbian...or at least bisexual.

Was reading this fic and one of the lines really amused me. Minako was trying to sort out her feelings for Rei in that fic, and was looking through photos of all her close friends to see how she stood with them in order to place Rei properly.

When she got to Mamoru, here's the exact quote:

“Ok.. Mamoru. Handsome enough, I suppose… if you like the type. Nice guy, should do right by Usagi. Only one name left… Rei. She’s my best friend. I’d rather spend time with her than anyone else.”

Skip a few lines down...

Then the full meaning of what she had just said sank in. Mamoru was ‘handsome enough’? ‘If you liked the type’? Since when had Mamoru NOT been her type?

Muahahaha. It's rather the same for me. Not quite the same situation duh. But its odd how I look at handsome guys and have the above reaction. Good-looking yes, but not what I want. Haha.

But oddly enough, I might be watching girls more often (and more intently) than I watch for guys, but I don't want to DO anything about it. It's like how Rei is portrayed in one of my favorite PGSM fics, where she's comfortable with her attraction to girls, but not necessarily wanting to act on them. It's like that with me. I haven't yet met anyone, male or female, that I really wanted to get to know better than being 'just friends'. And thank goodness for that.

Can't believe I logged on here just to post this. Heh. Ah well.

I'm not entirely certain when I started noticing girls more than guys. Probably in JC. How did that happen? No idea. Probably too much Buffy/Faith 'shipping. And the discovery of Haruka and Michiru. Possibly also the Seras/Integra pairing. Heck, I started pairing girls together in my favorite shows (except for a few) if they looked right together. Same for guys. Heh. Kunzite and Zoicite are SO yaoi material in the BSSM anime timeline. Same with Dextera and Sinistra in Kiddy Grade.

But I do like heterosexual pairings too. Usagi/Mamoru is rather cute. I do read Minako/Zoicite in the PGSM timeline---though I still prefer Minako and Rei to hook up if possible. Haha.

Max and Alec in Dark Angel. Amon and Robin in WHR. Cheza and Kiba in Wolf's Rain. Daisuke and Riku in DN Angel. Alucard/Seras in Hellsing. Yuffie with either Sephiroth, Reno, or Vincent. Yeah I know I'm weird.

Yaoi pairings I support: Kunzite/Zoicite (BSSM anime); Dextera/Sinistra (Kiddy Grade); Haruka/Kantarou (Tactics); Dark/Krad (DN Angel); Tsume/Toboe (Wolf's Rain)

Can't recall anymore offhand. Yuri pairings are as follows though:

Hellsing: Seras/Integra, Heinkel/Yumie/Yumiko, Yumiko/Seras
BSSM: Haruka/Michiru, Minako/Rei, Minako/Ami, Minako/Hotaru, Rei/Hotaru, Ami/Makoto
WHR: Doujima/Robin (yeah I know I'm odd)
FFVII: Yuffie/Tifa, Yuffie/Aeris, Aeris/Tifa (which is just about everybody except Elena)
FFX-2: Rikku/Paine
Resident Evil: Alice/Jill (movie), Alice/Rain (movie), Rebecca/Claire (hehe), Jill/Rebecca
BtVS: Buffy/Faith, Willow/Tara, Buffy/Willow

That's about it I guess. I know I pair Minako with just about everybody, even Setsuna (lol!). Can't help it though, she IS the senshi of Love and Beauty after all. Kinda cool, don't you think? ^__~

It's getting late, I'm going to bed. One last video clip and it's bedtime for this girl. What will it be? A dose of BoA, or some H/M fluff in Seramyu? *gets googly eyed over Destined Couple* So sweet!!!

Decisions decisions. Oh hell, I'll go for Minako/Rei action. Muahahahah. PGSM here I come!

Night!

Daneel Rush is an incredible author.

Yeah, it's Him who wrote the amazing Tamers Forever series. And is now writing the Gospel series.

I'm in utter awe of the mind behind the plot. Of the amount of time, preparation and dedication he has put into the whole project. I stand completely cowed by that display of determination and brilliance. There's no way I can approach that kind of standard at my current level...

Just finished reading the updates I missed of his Gospel series. He has finished Book 0 of the Gospels, and the first chapter of Book 1 is up. It's probably going to be a ridiculously long time until his next update, but I have a feeling that it's going to be worth it. It's always worth the wait for one of Daneel-sama's chapters. Yeah it is that good.

I can see the plot clicking into place with every chapter. It's amazing how he makes everything fit perfectly together, no matter how disconnected or seemingly random a certain fact is. An incident here, a gesture there; it all slots neatly into the great tapestry that he has woven.

The whole Biblical/Judaism influence is a little hard to miss. Talking about the Sefira, Yggdrasil...not to mention the blatantly obvious allusion to the ascension of Jesus with Takato's disappearance at the Day of Revelation. And let's not forget the little side note with Nonaka Arisu, daughter of Nonaka Rika, who states that she has "no father", when it is obvious that if she DID have a father, it had to have been Takato considering all the hints they have been dropping. This almost leads to a Virgin Mary-like situation, not quite the same, but the suggestion is there.

Sacrifice. It's a big theme in the whole of Gospels, and was too in Tamers Forever. In fact, I would say that it was THE central theme in Gospels. There can be no victory without sacrifice. Wise words indeed.

I'm beginning to suspect that Taichi is also one of the Takato-clones in the Gospel arc, if Takako's words mean anything, and also his ability to biomerge easily betrays a lot about him.

The amount of thought behind each character is immense. Character development is central to the story, but so are the battles and everything else. Nothing is left out. I reel at the battle descriptions, the careful scripting of the strategic moves in battle situations.......and I collapse in helpless laughter at the humour. Takato and Alice are hilarious together...and so are Takato and Rika. DC and BlackTerriermon are also a hoot. I have not yet met any other author that has made me laugh, cry, think and chew on my nails all at the same time. Sure, good authors can make me to do one or two of the above, but never all in one chapter.

Yeah, one chapter and I feel the urge to scream at the unfairness of it all, laugh at the sheer hilarity, cry at the devastating pain, want to puke at the horror, and consider the philosophy behind every decision. All these in a single chapter. You can imagine just how strongly the whole darn series has impacted me then.

It makes me feel inadequate. I've never grasped plot development very well. I usually have a general idea of what I want and where I'm going with the plot, but I never really sit down and plan it out, do my research, and generally spend time laying the groundwork and making sure that everything fit together. It's time I started.

It's these series that got me interested in the Hebrew mythology in the first place. I don't have the TIME now to explore it (obviously), but I would like to. And by Hebrew mythology, I don't mean the Bible. The Bible is only one viewpoint, one segment expanded from the original web of ideas and wealth of characters that zoomed in to focus on the lives of certain people.

I can see people glaring daggers at me right now.

But I'm right. You can't deny that. If you're Christian, you would believe that the Bible is the Word of God, and that God is speaking to you through the hands of the men who penned the documents making up the Bible. But there are many references in the Bible itself, names mostly, that has origins in Hebrew mythology, among other things. It only makes sense, since much of the Old Testament was written in Hebrew, the other languages spanning the Bible being Latin and Greek. It wouldn't be too far of a stretch to have linguistic references that has origins in "pagan" mythology. In fact, I think it's rather normal to see such a phenomenon, language being the tool of expression, and I wouldn't be surprised to know that "pagans" would have had to use language to express their ideas, and some of the words would have become mainstream with prolonged usage.

Names, for example. I've read the Bible about twice, skimming through some of the more boring books, I'll admit. I've come across plenty of names, mostly either Greek or Hebrew in origin, and the footnotes usually note its derivative meanings and/or spellings. A quick check on the internet though, reveals that some of the fancier names, like Astaroth (or Asteroth, Ashtaroth, Astarte etc) have rather interesting, even pagan beginnings. I did a search on google and found a rather detailed information page with regards to demonology, but I digress.

Yes I admit that my interests have rather dangerous, even heretical leanings. But do I care? Nope. It helps me learn actually. Learning how each culture deals with the existence of evil, how they explain it, classify it, define it. How, in some cultures, gods and demons are simply embodied in the same deity, just with different aspects shown at different times. Think Hinduism's Kali, the destructive aspect of the goddess Devi. Kali is an agent of destruction, yet her devotees see her as a loving mother, probably one of the other aspects of Devi. It's an interesting contradiction, or should I phrase it as 'contrast'? It's definitely a fascinating idea we have here.

In Judeo-Christianity we have God and the Devil, opposing forces of Good and Evil respectively embodied in these two representatives. That's an oversimplistic view though. If you follow the strict interpretation the Bible gives, then God is all-powerful, all-knowing, and the Devil is simply a pretender who tempts mankind. They were never equals to begin with, since Lucifier was originally an angel serving under God, before he fell from grace.

Which brings us to the problem with Evil. Surely, one such as Lucifier, the corrupt fallen angel, whose power would not even make a dent on God, could not be the embodiment of Evil itself. Lucifier could be an agent of Evil, a convenient vehicle of representation, the caricature of the concept of Evil for us to villify and attack. But he is not Evil itself, simply a puppet perhaps, or more succinctly, someone who has taken on Evil's mantle to challenge the "Good".

Then what is Evil? Where did Evil come from? Is Evil a true antithesis to Good? What is Good anyway? What does it mean? Is there a source for these two conflicting concepts? Is there a single source, or are there two different sources? If there are different sources, would that mean that the two opposing forces are equal in strength, at least theoretically? Would that mean that hypothetically, there is an ultimate image of Good, and an ultimate image of Evil?

Obviously, Judeo-Christianity does not embrace the above view, which incidentally, is derived from a Manichean view of dualism. No, I'm not going to explain it, go google it yourself. Or go to Wikipedia, I found my source there.

On a side note, the Catholic Church found Manicheaism heretical and rejected it. They would, wouldn't they? After all, the whole basis of the theory does rest upon the fact that Good and Evil are equal, opposing forces. Note I highlighted the word 'equal' quite prominently. It is, after all, against their theology to admit that the Devil is in any way equal to the omniscient God, the all-powerful Creator. I don't blame them, after all, to admit that the Devil is equal in strength to God means to admit the possibility that they are not necessarily safe from the Devil's influence even after embracing God's power and protection. Equality between the Good and Evil forces pretty much negates any visible advantage, doesn't it?

So, going back to my previous point, if dualism is NOT accepted, then the other possibility is that both Good and Evil originated from the same source. *cue gasp and shocked looks*

Have you grasped the implications? No? Well, if you haven't, I'll explain it...ninny.

There are several possible implications to this. The most obvious one is that Good and Evil, having sprung from the same source, are possibly just reflections of the same thing. Incidentally, such a concept is quite commonly and popularly used in anime and other shows. For some reason, Dark and Krad from Dn Angel keeps springing to mind. Heh.

Do you see the implication there? It means that Good and Evil are the SAME THING. Just different interpretations and viewpoints. But essentially the same thing. Think of it like siblings coming from the same set of parents, with different personalities, but their DNA lineage is closely related.

Then, in a sense, the battle between Good and Evil could simply be characterised as the greatest sibling rivalry of all time. Lol.

Laying the joke aside though, I shall proceed to the other possible implications. It really isn't much different from the above analysis, but considering that Good and Evil originated from a single source, it makes a certain amount of sense that at one point in time, they had been One, united in their birth, before going their separate ways. Think of it like twins in the womb before they are birthed.

I would like to explore the possibilities implied in my speculation, but my knowledge is sadly limited on this topic. I can think, theorise, but I do need some concrete facts to base speculation on, otherwise it would all be meaningless. So I'm leaving some of the possibilities unexplored, for now.

That and the fact that it's getting late, and my dad's getting mad at me for staying up. He doesn't even understand that I'm actually thinking, reflecting, on serious things. Of course, if I showed him this, he wouldn't even understand half of what I'm saying. Figures.

There's actually another possible angle to the situation. One that is probably not beneficial towards the maintainence of my general well-being. One that I might possibly be stoned and/or burned at the stake for. Providing that such archaic methods are still used. I don't really fear for my life though, considering I'm a small fry with limited reach to the masses. And I do live in a generally stable country that's noted for sensibility (otherwise known as kiasi-ness). Haha.

So, what is that grand theory? Actually, its none too grand. It's not even particularly new in terms of ideas on this blog. I think I've touched on it before in one of my older posts a long time ago. Seeing that I'm still alive to this day, evidently I stand a good chance of surviving even if I air my honest opinion.

Simply put, the idea of the Judeo-Christian God as an all-powerful, supreme being. If He is indeed supreme and all-powerful, that He knows all things, is it not possible that instead of a purely Good force that the Bible makes Him out to be, He is simply a force complete with Good AND Evil? That He embodies both in His being, He as the supreme Creator, the impartial judge, the one that rains destruction on the unworthy, the one who protects those who believe.

In the Old Testament, the Book of Genesis states that God alone knew what was Good and what was Evil. He alone had the perfect knowledge of both Good and Evil, and Adam and Eve had no idea...at least not until they ate from the Tree of Knowledge at the behest of the serpent. But even then, humanity only gained AWARENESS of the existence of Evil with the forbidden fruit, and not KNOWLEDGE of Evil.

Why do I make that distinction? Is not awareness and knowledge linked? Yes, as a matter of fact, they are. You sort of have to be aware of something before you can find out more about it. It's amusing really. We know about Evil, we have seen its manifestations in the physical world (at least, what we believe is evil), but we do not know what it is. We do not truly understand what it means, what it entails, what it IS.

Let me explain. Some people claim to understand Evil, or at least its forms. Understanding the forms that Evil can take isn't too difficult, after all, you do have something to countercheck it with, that is, the existence of the physical manifestations of Good. But don't you realise something inherently flawed within that argument already? Good and Evil are relative to each other in this aspect, you need to to balance off the other.

And if you got the pun in that above statement, kudos to you.

But what do we know of the absolute forms of Good and Evil? Is there even an absolute? The world has many grey areas, many different shades of grey coloring all facets of life. Is there an essence that is completely Good, a singular meaning or definition that explains the reality of Good? Is there the same for Evil? Can there be one?

Humanity is aware of Good and Evil. That is a fact...well, more or less as much as I can verify. We know there is a difference. We know they are there. But the definitions have been pretty hazy, even as we seek out ways to explain what Good and Evil are, and to give them form. Thus the whole idea of gods and demons. Man created these symbols to try and explain Good and Evil, to give them a meaning, a reason for their existence. We are a strange species indeed.

Back to my original argument though. The Judeo-Christian God, with his perfect knowledge of what Good and Evil means and entails, is the perfect embodiment of BOTH concepts. I can hear and see the gasps and horrified expressions. Heresy! Ain't that fun?

Hey, you do have a God that on one hand, is the perfect loving Father who's the epitome of love and patience and all things understanding. On the other hand, He is also capable of jealousy and wrath against his creations, though not without reason one might argue, but the fact that He is in fact capable of such terrible deeds is ample proof that Evil is a part of Him. I'm not saying He is Evil, simply that He understands it. You can't exactly have a good Judge who doesn't understand both sides of the argument. So don't complain or glare at me.

I know I know, in Judeo-Christianity, the Devil is the embodiment of Evil. That's a myopic view really. The Devil is simply Temptation. God, according to the Bible, gave humanity free will to choose whether or not to love Him. Because He understands true love is not forced or coerced nor submissive. Love is a gift, it is about giving willingly without thought. He gave free will to humans because He wanted us to make that choice on our own. A test, so to speak. *chuckles*

What makes the Devil evil anyway? Is it because he defied God, thought himself more powerful than his Maker? Possibly. Then why didn't God just get rid of him? He could, but he didn't. Why? Because, evidently, the Guy Upstairs thinks long range. He knew that He would create humans in his own image someday, allow them a choice whether or not to come to Him, but what's the point of creating a bunch of people with free will when they had no alternative anyway? The Devil thus becomes here a part of the test, a temptation, making the test more difficult, more challenging. Making it a real test. Heh.

I would like to state here that this is solely my own opinion here. I derived ideas from concepts like dualism and other various schools of thought, but the primary synthesis of ideas here is my own.

Oh, before I forget, here are a few lines of wisdom to ponder over:

What is Right may not be what is Good.
What is Good for the many may not be Good for the individual.
What is Good for the individual may harm the many.
What is Justice? What do we do when the pursuit Justice causes the suffering of the many?
Is it Evil to kill to protect the Good?

And lastly...

Utopia...is it the ultimate expression of Good? Where all traces of Evil are wiped out, and no longer exist?
Is Heaven a kind of Utopia, where only Good exists, and nothing else?
And if only Good exists, then what meaning does it have if it is anything and everything?
A Utopia where only Good exists, and nothing else...is that true Utopia, or just a rigid reality where there is only One interpretation with no room for argument?

Ok, I lied, there's still one more.

Utopia, for me, is about Harmony. Harmony between all things, Good and Evil, Light and Dark. Where no one judges, where there is no need to judge. Where there is Acceptance, and Understanding. Where everyone can live, is allowed to live. Allowed to believe, to think what they want, yet understanding what binds everything together and respecting it.

Harmony.
Balance.
Peace.

That is all I ask for my Utopia.

And I recognise the impossibility, since even the religious view of Heaven already contradicts one of the requirements I just set down. I leave it to you to understand what I mean. It might be good for your brain. Who knows, you might actually learn something. Like how to think.

Think, as in to consider. Think, as in to understand. Can you think? I'm not even sure if I can.

And that's life for you in the end.

Well as you can see, I'm alive after all.

Short and quick update on parent-teacher meeting: it didn't happen. At least, my dad couldn't turn up.

I told you I had a charmed life.

Bad news: it's just been postponed. Well, can't say I'm surprised there.

Enough on that topic though. Time to pretend that life is alright and everything is fine and that there is nothing but fluff in my head. Lol.

Which means...babble-time! Woohoo! Lolz.

I'm having trouble deciding who's my favorite senshi out of all 9 of them. I can safely say that Sailor Moon is not in contention. I love Usagi dearly, odangos and all, and I adore her as Princess Serenity, but she's not my favorite senshi.

Jupiter has never been on my list. I've never known why I never warmed to Makoto. It's odd, but that's the way it is. But I guess I do like her, I'm just a bit indifferent about her. Even though she and I share a common background: she lost her parents, I lost my mom.

Mercury was my favorite when I was a kid. But now? I still like her because she's so smart and all, and I think its rather cute when she gets embarrassed and blushes so easily. The shy schoolgirl persona is rather endearing, don't you think? And besides, PGSM Ami is gorgeous. The glasses are so damn cute on her. And the Dark version? HOT. Haha.

Mars I liked best in PGSM. Anime-wise her personality isn't quite the same. Plus they made her closer to Usagi in the anime, when she was actually closer to Minako in the manga...or so the fansites say. I can't judge because I've never gotten to read the manga myself. But obviously in PGSM, Rei has this love-hate relationship with Venus. Muahahahaha. Mars Reiko-san really got me into liking her, probably because she has this cool broody stare and the whole angst factor just hovering around her. But I digress.

And then there's Venus-chan! Haha. I used to blow her off as a ditz in the anime, but after watching PGSM and realising that maybe, just maybe, Minako wasn't as stupid as she appeared to be, I went to take a 2nd, closer look at anime-Minako. And I realised that she does have some depth. After all, she IS the leader of the inner senshi. You don't get that kind of responsibility for no reason. And she's pretty. XD Of course, PGSM Minako is my favorite. Yeah yeah, stop shaking your head disapprovingly Kanai. I can see you doing that already. Haha.

Uranus! My first favorite senshi after getting back into BSSM after so long. What can I say, I just adore Haruka. She's so cute. Besides, she's kinda everything I want to be. Well, except maybe the lesbian part, but then again, I'm not sure anymore. Let's just say that I'm leaving my options open, and leave it at that, shall we?

Sweet, elegant Neptune. Sigh. I want someone like that for a girlfriend too. Haruka is SO lucky. Michiru has great legs, plus she's so understanding/patient/sweet/gorgeous etc etc. Sigh. AND she's talented with art and music. Meh, the girl's got everything, and she's more like a princess in dress and demeanour than Usagi will ever be.

Saturn rocks. And why not? Senshi of Silence, the ability to destroy the world with a single swipe with her Silence Glaive. Hotaru has got the coolest abilities and the whole goth thing going for her. That and the fact that her senshi personality and her human personality seem detached from each other. Sailor Saturn and Tomoe Hotaru might live in the same body, but they don't seem alike at all. At least all the other senshi seem to have integrated at least a part of their other selves into their human identities. I think the only thing in common between Hotaru and Saturn is their fashion sense (color scheme anyway). Haha.

And then there's Pluto. The only one in the series who only died once. Or was it twice? Ah well, what does it matter? All the other senshi (excluding Sailor Moon) dies at least 3 or 4 times in the whole BSSM time continuum, starting from the Silver Millenium to Crystal Tokyo. Pluto is the only senshi that did NOT perish in the aftermath of the fall of the Silver Millenium. Forever guarding the gates of Time...poor Setsuna, all lonely and waiting for over a thousand years, waiting for her princess and fellow senshi to awaken and be reborn into the world. Pluto carries one of the heaviest burdens in the whole series, save for probably Saturn and Moon, the first being the harbinger of destruction, the latter responsible for saving the world...repeatedly.

So who's my favorite senshi? I like all of them. You would note that I left Chibi Moon and Chibi Chibi out. For one thing, Chibi Chibi is technically a part of Galaxia, so she doesn't count. And Chibi Moon aka Chibi-usa just irritates the heck out of me. The pink hair... *shudders*

For the inner senshi, I would say Venus is my favorite, taking into account both anime and PGSM. Mars and Mercury tie for 2nd spot. Sorry Jupiter, I just never warmed to you.

As for the outer senshi, Uranus wins...barely. The other 3 come in right after her. I can't differentiate who I like better amongst Neptune, Saturn and Pluto. Haha.

Favorite villlain? PGSM-wise, definitely Zoicite. Kunzite isn't too bad, but he irritates me. Nephrite was hilarious. Jadite was just plain old boring. Haha. And Beryl was just annoying. Lol. For the anime, the Shitennou were less good-looking...with the possible exception of Nephrite. Haha. Zoicite was obviously gay in the anime. Just look at his reactions to Kunzite. I watched one episode with the two of them in it, and the first thing that came to mind was "Zoicite has the hots for his 'Kunzite-sama!'" Lol.

I think Galaxia makes for a cool villain, but Mistress 9, in an adult Hotaru's body, takes the cake for sexy and dangerous. Hehe. Oops I think I pulled a Minako. Oh well. Nope, non-BSSM fans will probably not get what I mean. XD

Random thought! Sawai Miyuu made a great Usagi in PGSM...but that's not the point. She somehow pulls off the endearing klutziness and childish innocence of Tsukino Usagi flawlessly, while managing to look drop dead gorgeous plus super angsty as Princess Sailor Moon. I don't know how to describe that wistful longing expression that the Princess gets whenever she murmurs "Endymion..." in that haunting voice, while strumming that harp of hers. Oh and let's not forget the angsting over I-killed-my-one-and-only-true-love-so-I-shall-destroy-the-world-because-he's-not-in-it mood she gets into during Act 49. Haha. Can you imagine? Destroying the world just because your boyfriend died. Haha. *chokes on laughter*

Ok enough ranting. I think I made my point well enough. I'm a Sailor Moon fangirl. So sue me.

Something is pulling me...
I feel the gravity
Of it all...

Stole the lines from Sakamoto Maaya's Gravity. Having it on repeat now. These are one of two lines in the song that really seizes my imagination and grips my heart in this strange way I can't comprehend.

The other one is this:

Am I going home?
Will I hear someone?
Singing solace to this silence...

I took a test on Tickle quizzes and they said my personality was very dog-like. Thanks lah. What does that imply? Loyalty? Devotion? What?

I'm loyal to the people who are worth it, at least in my mind. Devoted? I suppose. Grace did mention that the female half of the population is far more single-minded in their obsessions than the male half will ever be. I guess my devotion to BoA, for 3 years now in fact, has been pretty constant.

One of few constants in this transient life. Heh.

Parent-Teacher meeting later. I approach it with mingled dread and something else? What is it? Detachment? Like its not even happening. Or is it resignation? I can't avoid it. Might as well take it on the chin and go down like a soldier.

Senshi honor. Senshi translates to soldier, but can also be taken to mean 'warrior'. I'm a warrior, a fighter to the last. A cowardly warrior who abandoned his post and was shot for cowardice.

I think I'm being needlessly dramatic here, but if not here, where else? There's no room for that in reality. Only here in this virtual world can I do something as ludicrous as this.

I feel like I'm walking down a gangplank, but while my mind is dreading the inevitablity of it all, strangely there is a part of my soul that says "It'll be fine. You'll be fine. You'll live...somehow."

Story of my life there. Many times I thought the day of reckoning had come, that I wouldn't make it out in one piece, but somehow I'd always made it through alive. Bruised, sometimes battered, and always colder somehow, but alive. Gloriously, wondrously alive.

Even as I add more and more short stories to that story blog of mine, I'm beginning to see how apt the title I had given it was. It was no more than a passing whim that I had given it that title in the beginning, but now I saw the significance. Deeply, truly so.

Broken shards. In this not so long journey of my life, I had weathered many storms, one not by choice, the others created by my own hand. It feels as if I've lost many things, and gained many things along the way. C'est la vie. That's life, alright.

A splintered image, I called myself somewhere in this blog. So it is. Deeply Jekyll and Hyde, I wrote in my journal. Perhaps no more than a pile of broken shards, which I'm slowly but certainly picking them up and placing them in that other blog.

I can't find all of myself, not on my own. I remember telling Grace that friends help us keep our memories, help us remember what we cannot, and in return, we do the same for them. Because of the strange circumstance surrounding the end of my primary school days, I have lost contact and/or abandoned all my childhood friends. Thus I barely remember a thing from those days, save for precious fragments that I held dear to myself. And which I tapped upon in writing the short story Human.

Talking to Grace yesterday, I noted that I could not remember what I did for other people. As in, really helped them, made a positive, or at least memorable impact in their lives. On the contrary, I could remember many things that others have done for me, unless I chose to forget. Which I have done to a certain section of my memories.

There's this huge blank in my memories. Several huge blanks actually. Nature dictates the first, our early years as a baby out of the womb. Those memories fade with time, simply because our childlike minds are not developed enough to keep a firm grip on them. My earliest coherent memory came when I was about 4 years old, reading a book while comfortably nestled in an armchair. Haha.

Then there's this enormous gap in my primary school years, a selective chasm, I should probably add. I remember scattered things, an image here, a gesture there. A warm hug, a faint smile. Laughter, tears, pain and fear. Disappointment, my first failure. Scoring only 70+ marks for a test! I was so ashamed that day I recall, despite the strong front I put up, acting all nonchalant even when inside I was reeling with shock, horror, and shame. I had let overconfidence get to me, and all I wanted to do was to dig a hole and bury myself in it. The star pupil did NOT get anything below 90. At all. NEVER.

Looking back now, I realise that I should have known. What was to come, my instinctive reaction. To hide, to mask the hurt and pain. I would not allow others the satisfaction to see that the failure rankled. I would act as if it didn't matter. When I showed weakness, it was selective, or unless I really couldn't hold it in anymore. Even as a child, not even 10 years of age. Should have known, but then, hindsight is always perfect, isn't it?

Many things, yet so much else forgotten. I can't remember much of primary school. Secondary school was a lot clearer, both the first and second halves. Obviously, the second half is clearer, being that it was later than the first.

I should stop remembering the past. It has nothing for me there. I realise I'm echoing PGSM Mars. Haha.

Anyway, moving on to the present time. This is silly. I've nothing to be afraid about. Fear has no use...except to warn you of danger. The important thing is to keep control over your fear, not to let it overwhelm you. Something that I have failed to do on many occasions. Ah well.

Life has no second chances. So far I've been lucky, but looking back, it's hard not to shake my head at the sheer stupidity of my wasted chances. Oh well, we all get those moments.

So long then. I'll report back later at night (if possible) about what happened. That's providing my dad doesn't:

1) kill me
2) trash my com
3) trash my internet connection
4) trash me
5) all of the above...and then some.

*shrug* Can't say I haven't thought about it. Well, if I die, that's just too bad. Heh.

Later then! If there's a later.

Not sure why I'm stopping by to blog here, but just felt an urge to be here, so here I am.

Life does seem like a merry-go-round at times.

Currently checking up on Sakamoto Maaya. I like her songs. Like Gravity and Hemisphere. Going to try and find Tune the Rainbow and a few more. I like her voice. Haha. Well, it might have something to do with her being a seiyuu and also singing some anime themes. XD

Wolf's Rain has decent OP and ED (Gravity being the ED, and Stray being the OP) themes. I like animes with good song listings. It's a good way to find out nice songs and also new artistes to listen to. I'm still in love with BoA, but I like broadening my horizons once in a while.

Downloaded Kiseki no Umi to listen to, a bit odd sounding to say the least. I'll keep it around to see if it grows on me. Hemisphere took a 2nd hearing to get me to like it too. Lol.

Current favs on my playlist though:

Sae - Kirari Sailor Dream!
Ok so I'm a sucker for PGSM lol

Seramyu (All senshi) - L'amour D'amour Moonlight
It's extremely infectious. Seriously. Complete with nauseatingly cute dance routine. Heh

BoA feat Koda Kumi - Meaning of Peace
Hey its got BoA. Plus it's a nice song. Haha

BoA - Nanairo no Ashita ~brand new beat~
Incredibly infectious. You have to watch the MV to gain the full impact.

BoA - Your Color
Soothing song. Got me hooked on first listen. That doesn't always happen.

Shunichi Miyamoto - True Light
Don't really know why I like it, but I do. Strongly recommend it.

Evanescence - Bring Me To Life
What can I say? Good for angst.

Faye Wong - Eyes On Me
Another achingly sad slow song.

Chihiro Yonekura - Kohaku no Yurikago (Cradle of Amber)
Is it only me but do you get this mental image of clouds floating across azure blue sky whenever the opening of this song is played? Maybe it's an effect of watching Groove Adventure Rave...

Yasushi Ishii - Logos naki World (World Without Logos)
The lyrics make no freaking sense. But it does have a trance-like atmosphere that's quite intriguing. Sounds almost like some kind of latin-Satanic chanting. Lol.

Kaira Gong - 再一次拥有
Aiya, super sentimental song lah! Yup, I stand exposed as a closet softie. XD

Kelly Clarkson - Since You've Been Gone
I've liked it since I first heard it.

Leann Rimes - Can't Fight the Moonlight
Two words: Coyote Ugly. Need I say more?

Sakamoto Maaya - Hemisphere
It grows on you. Once you get past the not-so-impressive first verse, the song speeds up and has this incredibly addictive beat. Try it out!

Sakamoto Maaya - Gravity
Good for late nights when everything's quiet. Especially recommend it for a late night when there's a light drizzle outside. Totally a mood music.

Nobuo Uematsu - To Zanarkand
A veritable classic. How can anyone dislike it? Haha

Ishida Youko - White Destiny
Happy, upbeat. Can get a bit old on repeat though, so make sure you intersperse it with other songs.

Komatsu Ayaka - Romance
Another incredibly addictive song. The beat is already super bouncy, and coupled with Ayaka's overly cutesy voice, you have a disturbingly hyper song that's laced with a near-fatal dose of sugariness. x__x Fun though. XP Oh and I almost forgot to mention something...the cute hand movements! Incredibly moronic dance routine! Still cute though...disturbingly so. Watch the Kirari Super Live performance to get what I mean.

Komatsu Ayaka - C'est la Vie ~Watashi no Naka no Koi Suru Bubun~ (C'est la Vie ~The Loving Part Inside of Me~)
Another bouncy, hyper, sugary song from Ayaka. That girl is unstoppable when it comes to this specific genre. BoA has nothing on her in this department. Still not sure if that's good or bad though. C'est la Vie isn't quite as inane as Romance though...slightly saner, though not by much. Addictiveness is a definite, woke up humming it once. x__X

Komatsu Ayaka - Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
My personal favorite among Ayaka's songs. It's the only one I can (and want to) sing to. Mostly I loved the lyrics, totally suited the character of Aino Minako/Sailor Venus in PGSM. Addictiveness not quite on the level as C'est la Vie or Romance, but not too shabby. Must listen!

Komatsu Ayaka - Cross My Heart
A bit weird hearing her sing in English. Not too recommended, but good for a listen.

Rin - Fuhen
Love the string instrumental in the beginning. ^__^

Aikawa Nanase - Unlimited
A good song. Listen!

Slipknot - My Plague
Loud, angry. Good for letting off steam. Plus I like how the lyrics speak to me.

Steve Conte - Stray
It's good. Not for repeated listening though.

Takagi Nao & Asami Yuhka - Destined Couple
AHHHH Nao and Yuhka!!! My favorite myu actresses portraying Haruka and Michiru!!! Destined Couple is superb. You'd have to watch the myu clip where Nao/Haruka sings it to Yuhka/Michiru though. Just listening to the song itself doesn't do it proper justice. Love the lyrics, makes me melt on the inside.

Bana - Shell
Great song from WHR. A definite recommendation.

Bana - Half-Pain
Another super depressingly sad song. Great though. Love the choruses, lyrics are wonderful. Must listen!

JJ Lin - 江南
Classic. It's one of my favorites.


Yeah well these are some of the stuff on my playlist. Not all, certainly. I'm sure I left out a few. XD Well, I might include links to these if anyone wants them. Leave a tag if you do. ^__^

I hate my family.

They all should just die.

I get death threats from my dad. I get longwinded rants from my granny.

Is is even legal for parents to threaten to kill their kids?

I don't know, and I don't care. So what if he threatens to kill me? I wish he would.

My only concern is that he might botch it up, and I might not die properly...or quickly. That would suck.

And if my granny doesn't stop ranting at me, I'm going to throw a chair at her. I don't care anymore.

I spent most of the morning after I first awoke slamming my fists against the wall. Slamming my body against a wall. I was so angry. I don't even know with what. I just know I was very angry, and very frustrated.

Damnit. I hate these tears trying to come out now. I am so angry. He threatens to cut off my internet connection. So what? Then what? I'll live. Either way, I'll live.

Because, that's the way I am. I always live.

I'm not even sure if I'm angry or what now. I don't feel angry. I just feel deeply frustrated and irritated. They don't know anything, so why do they presume to just waltz into my life right now and try to take charge? I can take of myself fine enough...even if it leads to my destruction.

So I don't tell them anything? Why should I? How should I? How can they understand? They can't even see beyond their tiny, pathetic circumstances. Fools, every single one of them. Idiots. Morons. They don't know anything at all. Pathetic humans.

Bitter? Of course I'm bitter. I spent the last 7 years suppressing everything I feel. I can't feel anything but bitterness anymore. I spent all my life trying to please my family. I'm sick of it.

Kill. Kill them all. If someone put a gun in my hands right now, there would be a massacre. It is perhaps fortunate that guns are banned in Singapore then. Fortunate for them all.

They all think I'm some childish creature who flares up with a stupid tantrum for no reason at all. They can't see what's been brewing underneath their noses for years. Perhaps its childish to ignore them, but it would only make things worse if I opened my mouth. What do I do? Lie to them, say that "Yes, I'm fine. Everything's alright. You're always right. I'm the one in the wrong. I'm always the one in the wrong. Happy?" Then he would get mad and throw death threats and try to guilt me out again. Again. Again. AGAIN. And again and again and again and again.

I can't take it anymore. I don't want to have to listen to how fortunate I am, that I'm being stupid/ungrateful/lazy/stupid/useless/childish/stupid/stupid/stupid/stupid/stupid. Just stupid. Useless. Lazy. Worthless. Idiotic humans.

Yes, why won't she die? She keeps saying she wants to die. Well, why doesn't she just die already? Adding to my irritation...and my growing headache. Ugh. I'm not going to eat. I'm not. I don't want to eat. I just feel sick and disgusted inside. Disgusted at this people who call myself my family.

Dad says he's going to go drinking again. Well, what gives? Again eh? Go drown yourself, will ya? He's the only one with the right to grief, since he has such a foolish ungrateful daughter with no prospects whatsoever. Yeah I'm useless and hopeless. And guess what? Blame it on the computer. Blame it on my books. Blame it on my FRIENDS. Blame it on everybody under the sun!

Except himself.

So that's it, ladies and gentlemen. The world owes him a living. It doesn't, and he blames it. I hate him. He's my dad, and I can't help but hate him. I love him, because he's my dad. But I also hate him, because for a dad, he really is hopeless.

When I fall sick, its somehow MY fault for not taking care of myself blah blah, that I'm a hopeless person in front of a computer (always back to the com if you ask me, convenient excuse). I don't even get a "are you ok?", much less a hug. If he does remember to ask if I'm fine, its usually much later and as an afterthought, so to speak.

Yes, I don't do anything at home. I'm deadweight. Useless. They don't need me do they? THEY DON'T FUCKING NEED ME. THEY DON'T KNOW ANY FUCKING THING. AND I DON'T CARE. THEY CAN ALL GO TO HELL FOR ALL I CARE. FUCKING ASSHOLES.

Nobody really needs me. Except maybe Kanai. At least I like to think so. I hope. After all, I'm only an online friend for her, and there's only so much connection between us, despite all the understanding we have with each other.

Btw, those stuff in caps? Lack of control, I suppose. Excuse the language. I don't usually use that kind of language, not even in my head. I really needed an outlet somewhere, and here was fairly convenient.

Granny just said that dad gave me everything I wanted. Yeah fucking yay. Like real. That's only because I've never asked anything of him. Yep, nothing. Not at all. The only request I ever made was for an internet connection, that's about it. I never asked him for anything. I never asked him to buy me anything. I never wanted anything more than what I already had. He didn't have to keep going out to buy things for me. I don't need the redundancy. But he can't understand that. I think he wants to make it up to me. But I don't want that. I don't need material things, at least not what is within his means. I can save it up to buy on my own. I don't need to ask any favours from him.

I just noticed a significant decrease in the standard of my language in this post. Probably because I was agitated throughout. Starting to cool down now, but I'm still irritated. And bitter. And cold inside. I just want to hit something repeatedly now. Maybe I'll go in my room later. Whack the walls for a bit. Probably bruise myself in several places.

Maybe I need anger management? That's a laugh. If I couldn't control my anger, several people would be in hospital by now. That's the reality of the situation. Punks who think I need anger management should go see an idiot doctor. Which might make them worse. Ah, who cares about them stinking humans?

To show how serious I am about the situation, I'm going on a small hunger strike for today. I don't care how angry he is going to be when he comes back. I'm done taking that kind of abuse over and over again. He doesn't know the meaning of compromise. It's his way or no way. Autocratic much? He doesn't bother to listen. When he can't understand something, he snaps and starts yelling. And you expect me to TALK with him?

When we talk, it basically means HE talks, and I listen. I don't get to talk. When he wants ME to talk, he keeps pressing me for answers that I can't or am not ready to give. Then he gets mad. And starts yelling. I back down. He yells some more. Silence in the house as he stomps off somewhere. He comes back later and we ignore the incident. Life goes on...until something else happens and the cycle repeats again.

I'm done being the victim all the time. I'm done playing a poor little sad girl. I DON'T WANT PITY DAMNIT. Stop giving me those sympathetic looks like you know everything. The only one who even comes close to understanding how I feel about my dad is Kanai, since her dad isn't really all that great either.

Times like these I envy Grace for having a better dad than me. Ah well. I don't care. Don't care that I'm aping Chengwei in a way. But then again, HE copied me, since I was the one who started saying "I don't care" since forever. Just check the archives. Lol.

Anyway, I got it outta my system now. Hmm. Not that the angry fit has passed, my body needs food again. But I refuse to eat. I'm sick of having to put up with these people.

Bye.