Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Hi its after Chinese exam now.
I didn't blog about GP yesterday, and I'm not going to chew over old soup now.
So I shall talk about Chinese instead!
Ok, it was a 3 hour paper, one and a half hours for Paper 1, the rest for Paper 2.
I feel like SUCH an idiot.
Ok I've been saying that since a few seconds after handing in my script.
Why?
Largely because I'd realised that I did know how to answer the 添写汉字 after all. I left the first two blank. It was only after I handed in the paper before I realised that I did know the answer.
Damnit.
Ok one shall not cry over split milk. Not that I've split any, or that I do much crying in the first place...
Useless rhetoric aside, I shall move on with my post.
Incidentally, I wrote like 5 pages for my 作文. Was totally in the moment. I just kept writing and writing, and before I knew it I had 4 pages and was moving on to the 5th.
That proves that I AM long winded, no matter what the language.
Of course I have to actually show some proficiency in the language before being able to blab that much at one go.
Ahem, moving on.
Yeah, it wasn't that bad. The comprehension questions were TOUGH. I don't expect to pass that section.
But overall it was alright I guess.
What did I want to talk about? Oh ya, my essay.
I wrote a sob story, involving the death of a character's father and stuff.
I knew it was a bad idea to watch Stairway to Heaven last night.
Because I unconsciously added elements of Korean drama into the story. X___x
And also because I added a quote from the show.
Lol.
But ignoring that, I made quite an important self-discovery while writing the last part of my ridiculously long essay.
My dad told me not to cry if something ever happened to him. I added that element into my story. I never really thought hard about what it really meant until I was writing it out.
He doesn't want me to waste time on being sad and everything. All he wants for me is to be happy in life and move on. I wrote that into the story too.
I guess, sometimes, it does help to write about something close to the heart.
I was exaggerating of course, when I told Benita that I felt like crying while writing the essay.
Admittedly, I was deeply saddened as I wrote. But like the 她 in my essay, I could not, would not cry. My eyes were dry, despite the pain cutting deep into my heart.
Sometimes I think I do all my crying deep inside my heart, where no one else can see them.
The 她 in my story was me, in a sense. The parallel was shockingly similar.
It's a bad habit of mine to torture myself in my own stories I guess.
Rae from AD 2020 was one, Krista from Silent Sorrow was another. My female leads are all reflections of my own personality.
I just keep flagellating myself, mentally and emotionally. Even when I write I torture caricactures of myself.
Like I mentioned in my last post, I am most possibly sado-machioistic.
Alright, enough of all these gloomy thoughts. I'm cold and I'm hungry. I shall go eat.
Til next time then.
Next week actually.
Have fun people.
Or at least try to. *smirks*
Quote:
水能行舟，也能沉舟
]
I didn't blog about GP yesterday, and I'm not going to chew over old soup now.
So I shall talk about Chinese instead!
Ok, it was a 3 hour paper, one and a half hours for Paper 1, the rest for Paper 2.
I feel like SUCH an idiot.
Ok I've been saying that since a few seconds after handing in my script.
Why?
Largely because I'd realised that I did know how to answer the 添写汉字 after all. I left the first two blank. It was only after I handed in the paper before I realised that I did know the answer.
Damnit.
Ok one shall not cry over split milk. Not that I've split any, or that I do much crying in the first place...
Useless rhetoric aside, I shall move on with my post.
Incidentally, I wrote like 5 pages for my 作文. Was totally in the moment. I just kept writing and writing, and before I knew it I had 4 pages and was moving on to the 5th.
That proves that I AM long winded, no matter what the language.
Of course I have to actually show some proficiency in the language before being able to blab that much at one go.
Ahem, moving on.
Yeah, it wasn't that bad. The comprehension questions were TOUGH. I don't expect to pass that section.
But overall it was alright I guess.
What did I want to talk about? Oh ya, my essay.
I wrote a sob story, involving the death of a character's father and stuff.
I knew it was a bad idea to watch Stairway to Heaven last night.
Because I unconsciously added elements of Korean drama into the story. X___x
And also because I added a quote from the show.
Lol.
But ignoring that, I made quite an important self-discovery while writing the last part of my ridiculously long essay.
My dad told me not to cry if something ever happened to him. I added that element into my story. I never really thought hard about what it really meant until I was writing it out.
He doesn't want me to waste time on being sad and everything. All he wants for me is to be happy in life and move on. I wrote that into the story too.
I guess, sometimes, it does help to write about something close to the heart.
I was exaggerating of course, when I told Benita that I felt like crying while writing the essay.
Admittedly, I was deeply saddened as I wrote. But like the 她 in my essay, I could not, would not cry. My eyes were dry, despite the pain cutting deep into my heart.
Sometimes I think I do all my crying deep inside my heart, where no one else can see them.
The 她 in my story was me, in a sense. The parallel was shockingly similar.
It's a bad habit of mine to torture myself in my own stories I guess.
Rae from AD 2020 was one, Krista from Silent Sorrow was another. My female leads are all reflections of my own personality.
I just keep flagellating myself, mentally and emotionally. Even when I write I torture caricactures of myself.
Like I mentioned in my last post, I am most possibly sado-machioistic.
Alright, enough of all these gloomy thoughts. I'm cold and I'm hungry. I shall go eat.
Til next time then.
Next week actually.
Have fun people.
Or at least try to. *smirks*
Quote:
水能行舟，也能沉舟
Monday, September 26, 2005
Ok I've got like, 15 minutes to finish this post before going to lesson.
I suppose I should skip it of course, but I'm feeling nice (*gasp*) today so I won't be mean and miss lesson.
I spent most of my weekend sleeping. I feel sort of guilty about that. I haven't written a new poem in 2 weeks! TWO WHOLE WEEKS!!!
Damn.
I was in the midst of writing one last Friday really, but Benita and Joel got me caught up in a PC discussion over some poem, and we ended up analyzing the poem instead of me being all depressed and gothic-poety.
I know there's no such word. But who cares right?
But seriously, if I'm not writing poems it means I'm not suffering from emotional turbulence. That's supposed to be good, right?
Wrong.
I actually enjoy suffering from emotional turbulence. Weird, but true. I just like the feeling of being tortured inside.
Call me sado-machioistic, but its the truth.
Life dealt me a strange hand, but I live with it.
On one hand, I'm this kind, cheery helpful person who would go out of the way to assist someone.
On another hand, I'm this cynical little twit with too much time-a-wasting on my hands.
Time-a-wasting. That sounds like some cheesy line from a corny story.
Anyway, cynical remarks aside, I guess I'm not too bad a person. Really. I would like to believe that too. Don't you?
Gloomy preamble aside, let's move on to more cheerful topics shall we?
Wait, if all that long and pompous nonsense was just a preamble, then how would the real meat of the post look like?! *shock*
Today, both Grace and Lester were in school! Yay! Always a good thing. Grace has mostly recovered from her sore eyes, although some vestiges do remain.
Tomorrow is GP exam. Oddly I don't feel remotely worried or anxious or what not. I feel strangely detached from exam nerves this time round. I wonder why...
Of course if I wanted to be pessimistic, I could say that since I know I'm gonna fail and everything, there's no point worrying.
On the other hand, if I were an optimist, it could mean that I'm confident about the paper and thus need not worry endlessly.
Unfortunately I'm neither of the above. My philosophy is: Whatever will come, will come.
So yeah, what's the point of agonising over it and getting white hairs in the process? I don't need Erika plucking out any more of my white hairs everytime I run into her.
I just do what has to be done, make a few preparations, and dive into the exam like a fish into water.
Not that I swim very well of course.
Ah well its almsot 9.45am here, gotta go. Darn.
Oh well it's not like I had anything really substantial to blab about like I usually do.
Oooh. *looks up at stat counter*
The hits are going up! Slowly, of course, but they're going up nevertheless! *does a happy dance*
Ok I REALLY have to go or else I'll be late. Maybe when I think of something interesting to blog about, I'll be back...or not.
You don't really know, do you?
]
I suppose I should skip it of course, but I'm feeling nice (*gasp*) today so I won't be mean and miss lesson.
I spent most of my weekend sleeping. I feel sort of guilty about that. I haven't written a new poem in 2 weeks! TWO WHOLE WEEKS!!!
Damn.
I was in the midst of writing one last Friday really, but Benita and Joel got me caught up in a PC discussion over some poem, and we ended up analyzing the poem instead of me being all depressed and gothic-poety.
I know there's no such word. But who cares right?
But seriously, if I'm not writing poems it means I'm not suffering from emotional turbulence. That's supposed to be good, right?
Wrong.
I actually enjoy suffering from emotional turbulence. Weird, but true. I just like the feeling of being tortured inside.
Call me sado-machioistic, but its the truth.
Life dealt me a strange hand, but I live with it.
On one hand, I'm this kind, cheery helpful person who would go out of the way to assist someone.
On another hand, I'm this cynical little twit with too much time-a-wasting on my hands.
Time-a-wasting. That sounds like some cheesy line from a corny story.
Anyway, cynical remarks aside, I guess I'm not too bad a person. Really. I would like to believe that too. Don't you?
Gloomy preamble aside, let's move on to more cheerful topics shall we?
Wait, if all that long and pompous nonsense was just a preamble, then how would the real meat of the post look like?! *shock*
Today, both Grace and Lester were in school! Yay! Always a good thing. Grace has mostly recovered from her sore eyes, although some vestiges do remain.
Tomorrow is GP exam. Oddly I don't feel remotely worried or anxious or what not. I feel strangely detached from exam nerves this time round. I wonder why...
Of course if I wanted to be pessimistic, I could say that since I know I'm gonna fail and everything, there's no point worrying.
On the other hand, if I were an optimist, it could mean that I'm confident about the paper and thus need not worry endlessly.
Unfortunately I'm neither of the above. My philosophy is: Whatever will come, will come.
So yeah, what's the point of agonising over it and getting white hairs in the process? I don't need Erika plucking out any more of my white hairs everytime I run into her.
I just do what has to be done, make a few preparations, and dive into the exam like a fish into water.
Not that I swim very well of course.
Ah well its almsot 9.45am here, gotta go. Darn.
Oh well it's not like I had anything really substantial to blab about like I usually do.
Oooh. *looks up at stat counter*
The hits are going up! Slowly, of course, but they're going up nevertheless! *does a happy dance*
Ok I REALLY have to go or else I'll be late. Maybe when I think of something interesting to blog about, I'll be back...or not.
You don't really know, do you?
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Back.
See that tiny little set of numbers under the tag board?
Yeah that's the stat counter.
It's kind of small, but that's alright. I don't need to wave it around like a battle flag after all. It's only for my own reference purposes.
It records unique hits, so if you reload the page multiple times, it only shows up as one hit. Unless, of course, you have passed the period of time that I've set before checking the page again.
How long have I set it? I'm not telling. Go figure it out yourself if you really wanna know.
Oh by the way, I decided not to continue my extremely longwinded argument of the last few blog posts. Too lazy. Heh.
Grace isn't here in school today! Man, and here I was hoping she would be here to take the CCA photo. Darn...
Ah well, at least the others should be able to make it.
There's no Chinese lesson today! I think the teacher fell sick. Yesterday he cancelled the lesson to go see a doctor, so I guess he must have gotten an MC for today too.
And that means...a 2 and 1/2 hour break! Woot!
Lol. I only end up spending it all in this cold library. Bleh.
Well, enough of talking crap. When I think of something interesting, I'll put it down here.
Assuming I remember of course.
And also assuming that I can drag myself here to post.
Till next time then!
]
See that tiny little set of numbers under the tag board?
Yeah that's the stat counter.
It's kind of small, but that's alright. I don't need to wave it around like a battle flag after all. It's only for my own reference purposes.
It records unique hits, so if you reload the page multiple times, it only shows up as one hit. Unless, of course, you have passed the period of time that I've set before checking the page again.
How long have I set it? I'm not telling. Go figure it out yourself if you really wanna know.
Oh by the way, I decided not to continue my extremely longwinded argument of the last few blog posts. Too lazy. Heh.
Grace isn't here in school today! Man, and here I was hoping she would be here to take the CCA photo. Darn...
Ah well, at least the others should be able to make it.
There's no Chinese lesson today! I think the teacher fell sick. Yesterday he cancelled the lesson to go see a doctor, so I guess he must have gotten an MC for today too.
And that means...a 2 and 1/2 hour break! Woot!
Lol. I only end up spending it all in this cold library. Bleh.
Well, enough of talking crap. When I think of something interesting, I'll put it down here.
Assuming I remember of course.
And also assuming that I can drag myself here to post.
Till next time then!
Hi here I am at the SAJC library...
...where ELSE would I be?
Heh.
I'm going to add a stat counter, or basically, a hit register to see how many people are visiting my blog. Fwahahahha. That should either boost or deflate my ego.
Now excuse me while I go install it.
Be back soon!
]
...where ELSE would I be?
Heh.
I'm going to add a stat counter, or basically, a hit register to see how many people are visiting my blog. Fwahahahha. That should either boost or deflate my ego.
Now excuse me while I go install it.
Be back soon!
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Alright this promises to be a short post cos I'm kind of distracted at the moment.
Wait I forgot to greet everyone. Yo people.
Of course, assuming anyone's reading. And Grace, as you probably expected me to say, YOU DON'T COUNT!! Neither does Chengwei, since they're special people and are classified under another category.
As for what that category is, I'm not telling. Its not anything bad though, so don't worry. Really. Trust me for once.
So why am I here if it's going to be short? After all, if you're a dedicated reader of my blog, you would know that I take several hundred words to clear my throat before I get down to the main point. Or points. Sometimes new ones come to me while I'm writing. Ah well.
Anyway just posting for the sake of posting I suppose. Where did I leave off in my last post?
Oh yes, I was discussing conservatism and stuff. I'm not against right-wingers really. I'm more against extremism in general, and that can swing both ways.
Extreme-right people are the hardcore fanatics who are heavily into conservatism. In politics, that translates to high defense spending, pro-religion, pro-life, and non-welfare system etc.
Extreme-left people are the neo-liberals, the guys with their heads in the clouds and talking about civil rights and the like. In politics, that translates to high social welfare spending, pro-choice and all those highly liberal ideals and thingys.
You know, the hawks and doves issue. For me, sometimes I feel that the extreme-left is too impractical for my tastes. I mean, they want to practically support the citizens cradle to grave, but the problem is that its way too expensive to maintain. Increasing taxes might work, but it would overburden the working class and increase the incentive for tax evasion.
Ok now I sound like some kind of weird political commentator. I should stop that.
Ok I have to go so I'll continue next time....
...man now my argument is practically strung out between several posts...should be hard to read...HA!
]
Wait I forgot to greet everyone. Yo people.
Of course, assuming anyone's reading. And Grace, as you probably expected me to say, YOU DON'T COUNT!! Neither does Chengwei, since they're special people and are classified under another category.
As for what that category is, I'm not telling. Its not anything bad though, so don't worry. Really. Trust me for once.
So why am I here if it's going to be short? After all, if you're a dedicated reader of my blog, you would know that I take several hundred words to clear my throat before I get down to the main point. Or points. Sometimes new ones come to me while I'm writing. Ah well.
Anyway just posting for the sake of posting I suppose. Where did I leave off in my last post?
Oh yes, I was discussing conservatism and stuff. I'm not against right-wingers really. I'm more against extremism in general, and that can swing both ways.
Extreme-right people are the hardcore fanatics who are heavily into conservatism. In politics, that translates to high defense spending, pro-religion, pro-life, and non-welfare system etc.
Extreme-left people are the neo-liberals, the guys with their heads in the clouds and talking about civil rights and the like. In politics, that translates to high social welfare spending, pro-choice and all those highly liberal ideals and thingys.
You know, the hawks and doves issue. For me, sometimes I feel that the extreme-left is too impractical for my tastes. I mean, they want to practically support the citizens cradle to grave, but the problem is that its way too expensive to maintain. Increasing taxes might work, but it would overburden the working class and increase the incentive for tax evasion.
Ok now I sound like some kind of weird political commentator. I should stop that.
Ok I have to go so I'll continue next time....
...man now my argument is practically strung out between several posts...should be hard to read...HA!
Friday, September 16, 2005
Hi everyone!
That sounded way too cheery to be me.
Ok, so revise the statement.
Who are you and what are you looking at?!
Ok too confrontational. Whatever. I'm too lazy to change it.
From my previous blog post, one might get the impression that I don't like my other classmates. That is absolutely untrue. They are nice people...some of them anyway.
Great, now in my mind I have this whole British accented voice talking to me.
Definitely not good.
So what about my classmates? Seriously though, some of them are really nice people. Deep down. Very deep down. Like Marianas Trench deep. Heh.
Ok cutting the mean parts out, my class is nice. Sort of. We do care for each other, in a vague sort of way. The cliques care a lot more about their members of course, but we do ask after other people's health...provided we actually see them in distress in the first place.
I, for one, can be totally indifferent if I want to. Except towards Grace and Lester of course. They're the ones closest to me in class. As for the others, well, sometimes I can't be bothered.
It's not really that I don't care. I just don't know what to do if I showed concern. It feels superficial to me. I feel superficial to me. Again, does it matter to anybody? Not really.
Ok enough about the class. They're not really worth the blog space. Ok that was kind of mean...wait, I AM mean, what am I semi-apologising for? This is my blog, I can say anything I want, provided its not libel, seditious, racist, or whatever other obscure rule of law that prohibits me from speaking my mind.
Not that I really care. I just can't afford a lawsuit, that's all. And I don't think they allow us Internet access in jail.
Smarty-pants comments aside, the whole furore over blog posts is a little over the top. Yes I know I know, we're publishing our blogs on the World Wide Web, easily accessible to the public in general. That makes us bound to laws of journalism...somewhat anyway. At least we aren't really obilged to be politically correct. I would sooner kill myself than do that. Read my previous posts if you don't understand what I mean.
My posts can be somewhat heretical at times. Tragic. Such a pity the Catholic Church hasn't spotted this...or not.
After all, I don't find being flamed to death on the proverbial stake an entertaining way to pass any length of time.
That brings me to the topic of religious fundamentalists. Really, conservatives are kinda freaky. The whole extreme right-wing business is a little unsettling...too chaotic you see.
Yes I know, the mere idea of me being unsettled by chaos is laughable. After all, I project a persona that seems to delight in the darker side of life. Which I am, certainly.
But can't a maniacal, homicidal, evil genius get a little peace sometimes too?
I'm extraordinarily fond of peace and quiet. My house, on normal, non-BoA-shipping days, is as silent as a tomb. Ok bad pun, but let's move on.
I like silence. I hate it too, but that's completely besides the point. Besides, didn't they say that there's only a thin line between love and hate? For me, it doesn't make a jot of a difference either way.
Where was I? Oh conservatism. There seems to be a tide of right-wing sentiments in recent years. It's a reflection of the current insecurities amongst the population, really. Anytime someone is afraid and uncertain, we tend to fall back on comforts like religion and other strict moral codes followed in times before the discovery of fire.
Ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating, but you get the point.
Religion, ethics and morals all fall firmly in the right-wing camp. Personally, I'm slightly leftist in some of my ideas, although I'm pretty conservative in others. You could call me a centrist I suppose. You know, the practical guys sitting in the middle while the leftists and rightists are trying to shift the see-saw their way.
I'm not really disparaging religion. Really. Don't you believe me?
If you do, then you're a bigger idiot than I thought. What are you even doing here in the first place? Are you jsut sightseeing or did someone cleverer trick you into coming here?
I should really quit insulting the IQ-disabled. Really. Why discourage readers?
But then again, those same people would probably get their brains unravelled while reading my blog.
On second thoughts, it wouldn't make much of a difference anyway.
Ok I really have to stop with the whole ribbing thing. Partly because I have to leave soon.
Mostly because I want to save some of the insults for later posts.
Well, I'll complete my argument next time. I should really stop getting sidetracked...
]
That sounded way too cheery to be me.
Ok, so revise the statement.
Who are you and what are you looking at?!
Ok too confrontational. Whatever. I'm too lazy to change it.
From my previous blog post, one might get the impression that I don't like my other classmates. That is absolutely untrue. They are nice people...some of them anyway.
Great, now in my mind I have this whole British accented voice talking to me.
Definitely not good.
So what about my classmates? Seriously though, some of them are really nice people. Deep down. Very deep down. Like Marianas Trench deep. Heh.
Ok cutting the mean parts out, my class is nice. Sort of. We do care for each other, in a vague sort of way. The cliques care a lot more about their members of course, but we do ask after other people's health...provided we actually see them in distress in the first place.
I, for one, can be totally indifferent if I want to. Except towards Grace and Lester of course. They're the ones closest to me in class. As for the others, well, sometimes I can't be bothered.
It's not really that I don't care. I just don't know what to do if I showed concern. It feels superficial to me. I feel superficial to me. Again, does it matter to anybody? Not really.
Ok enough about the class. They're not really worth the blog space. Ok that was kind of mean...wait, I AM mean, what am I semi-apologising for? This is my blog, I can say anything I want, provided its not libel, seditious, racist, or whatever other obscure rule of law that prohibits me from speaking my mind.
Not that I really care. I just can't afford a lawsuit, that's all. And I don't think they allow us Internet access in jail.
Smarty-pants comments aside, the whole furore over blog posts is a little over the top. Yes I know I know, we're publishing our blogs on the World Wide Web, easily accessible to the public in general. That makes us bound to laws of journalism...somewhat anyway. At least we aren't really obilged to be politically correct. I would sooner kill myself than do that. Read my previous posts if you don't understand what I mean.
My posts can be somewhat heretical at times. Tragic. Such a pity the Catholic Church hasn't spotted this...or not.
After all, I don't find being flamed to death on the proverbial stake an entertaining way to pass any length of time.
That brings me to the topic of religious fundamentalists. Really, conservatives are kinda freaky. The whole extreme right-wing business is a little unsettling...too chaotic you see.
Yes I know, the mere idea of me being unsettled by chaos is laughable. After all, I project a persona that seems to delight in the darker side of life. Which I am, certainly.
But can't a maniacal, homicidal, evil genius get a little peace sometimes too?
I'm extraordinarily fond of peace and quiet. My house, on normal, non-BoA-shipping days, is as silent as a tomb. Ok bad pun, but let's move on.
I like silence. I hate it too, but that's completely besides the point. Besides, didn't they say that there's only a thin line between love and hate? For me, it doesn't make a jot of a difference either way.
Where was I? Oh conservatism. There seems to be a tide of right-wing sentiments in recent years. It's a reflection of the current insecurities amongst the population, really. Anytime someone is afraid and uncertain, we tend to fall back on comforts like religion and other strict moral codes followed in times before the discovery of fire.
Ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating, but you get the point.
Religion, ethics and morals all fall firmly in the right-wing camp. Personally, I'm slightly leftist in some of my ideas, although I'm pretty conservative in others. You could call me a centrist I suppose. You know, the practical guys sitting in the middle while the leftists and rightists are trying to shift the see-saw their way.
I'm not really disparaging religion. Really. Don't you believe me?
If you do, then you're a bigger idiot than I thought. What are you even doing here in the first place? Are you jsut sightseeing or did someone cleverer trick you into coming here?
I should really quit insulting the IQ-disabled. Really. Why discourage readers?
But then again, those same people would probably get their brains unravelled while reading my blog.
On second thoughts, it wouldn't make much of a difference anyway.
Ok I really have to stop with the whole ribbing thing. Partly because I have to leave soon.
Mostly because I want to save some of the insults for later posts.
Well, I'll complete my argument next time. I should really stop getting sidetracked...
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Hi everyone! It's 5pm here at SAJC library and the weather is cloudy. It looks like rain and its freezing cold (as usual) in here.
Ok great I sound like the weather person.
Anyway ignoring the usual inane preamble at the top.
Ooooh they turned off the aircon! I feel slightly less...cold...still numb though....
Ok random observations aside, let's get on with this.
Assuming there is a point to my post of course. Which there usually isn't, unless something major happens in my life. Which of course, nothing has, otherwise I would be talking about it already.
So why am I here? Because I needed to blog. Why do I need to blog? I don't really know, but who cares?
Today was an alright day. Tomorrow won't be. Have I suddenly become clairvoyant? I hasten to assure you that is not the case.
That's because tommorow is SEA History tutorial. And that is bad. Why?
Because the bunch of geniuses in my class never even gave me my new set of notes. So I'm officially screwed. Like they care. Like I matter, right?
Ok before I go down Angst Lane, I should change the topic.
Today could have been worse. But somehow it turned out ok. LIke I say, just expect the worst of every situation, and you might just be pleasantly surprised at the end. If your worse expectations came true, then at least you were prepared for it.
I'm leaving at 5.30pm, naturally. That's the time the library closes.
I signed onto MSN earlier, had a chat with Erika and stuff. Nothing significant happened though.
But my new nickname is Xue (Learning to Live). Because that's what I am: a work in progress.
I need to learn to live. I'm currently stuck in limbo, which sucks.
A limbo of what, you might ask. Well here's my usual longwinded explanation.
Someone once said that it takes courage to die. That I totally agree with. Suicide isn't the easiest thing unless you are mentally confused at that point in time; your body's natural instinct is to live, even if your mind wants to die.
However, somebody also said that it takes a lot more courage to live. Again, a statement of utter veracity. Dying is the coward's way out; to muster the strength to live on is one of the greatest acts of courage. Besides, in this new incredibly screwed up world, living is such a pain, especially if you actually see what's going on and aren't blinded (like so many people I could name, but I won't cos I'm not rich enough to face a lawsuit).
The whole problem here is that I'm a big coward. Atalia once told me that she thought I was strong to live on even after the pain of my mother's passing etc. She was wrong. I'm not brave or strong enough to live. I'm just too scared to die. That's what's going on.
To scared to die, to cowardly to live. I'm stuck in between, living a twilight life. I'm not really living the way I could be, simply because I gave up on it. Does that say a lot about me? I suppose it does. I could name some things, but I rather not expose my rather degrading opinions of myself to the whole wide world. Or actually a very narrow world. Who the heck would be reading this??? Other than the regular crew whom I know of, of course.
You know, I can almost imagine people around me going, "Oh, you should buck up, stop wallowing in self-pity. It's not healthy." and etc etc. Things like "You should just get on with your life" or my personal favorite "Get up and DO things, you lazy bum!"
Nobody said the last one to me of course. I said that to myself. But I expect that some of the people who tried to advise me were thinking it though. It's not too surprising. I AM a bag of lazy, unmotivated bones.
It's like sleepwalking. Like I'm in a dream or something. Except this one's a nightmare. A nightmare I know I can't wake up from. A nightmare that makes me scream and scream in the silences of my mind.
Sometimes the screams gets verbalised. I usually do it when I'm alone and with Initial D music blasting in the background. It helps mask the sound.
I'm perpetually lethargic, with occasional periods of rapt alertness and vivacity. After that I just sink back into my haze of oblivion.
It's pathetic, un-useful, stupid, unproductive, idiotic, and whatever negative term appropriate enough to be attached here.
But I'm doing it anyway. Am I idiotic? Most definitely. Do I care? Not really. Why?
Because there are even bigger idiots out there.
It's surprising sometimes. You would expect smart people to get results. You know, intelligence making it easier and stuff. You expect them to score straight As and excel in lots of things.
I'm smart. I'm not bragging. An IQ test said so, my counsellor said so, my friends said so, and I think so too. That totally smacks of arrogance, but what the heck anyway.
So what if I'm smart? I'm not getting results. That's the fact. I could be getting results, but I'm not. I know it in my gut, but I'm not. Because I'm not trying.
Even dumb people can get results. They just have to try a whole lot harder.
I'm not trying to be disparaging to dumb people. Really. Don't you believe me?
Actually I don't believe myself neither, so never mind that.
It's like a disease, elitism. I have a very elitist mindset in a sense. Comes from my glorious past. *heavy with irony and sarcasm*
I can be an incredibly snobbish person, if I wanted to. But I don't, since I don't want to alienate other people. Not that they aren't already alienated from me---most of them that is. Some people actually like me. *gasp!*
In my class, other than the Grace and Lester, I can get along with a few more people. Like Vicks, Liz, Desiree, Benita, and maybe Derek. The rest and I have a kind of relationship that goes pretty much like "Hi! Bye!" and that's about it.
Truth is, I like it this way. A small group of people you can trust, or at least halfway trust, is better than a big group of friends whom you worry might stab you in the back.
Trust me, I've seen it happen too many times to count. I won't name names, but I've seen it, and while greatly disheartened, I'd come to expect it.
I won't continue anymore with this post, but blog more in my next. I still have plenty to say. Naturally. Where else can I say them uninterrupted?
]
Ok great I sound like the weather person.
Anyway ignoring the usual inane preamble at the top.
Ooooh they turned off the aircon! I feel slightly less...cold...still numb though....
Ok random observations aside, let's get on with this.
Assuming there is a point to my post of course. Which there usually isn't, unless something major happens in my life. Which of course, nothing has, otherwise I would be talking about it already.
So why am I here? Because I needed to blog. Why do I need to blog? I don't really know, but who cares?
Today was an alright day. Tomorrow won't be. Have I suddenly become clairvoyant? I hasten to assure you that is not the case.
That's because tommorow is SEA History tutorial. And that is bad. Why?
Because the bunch of geniuses in my class never even gave me my new set of notes. So I'm officially screwed. Like they care. Like I matter, right?
Ok before I go down Angst Lane, I should change the topic.
Today could have been worse. But somehow it turned out ok. LIke I say, just expect the worst of every situation, and you might just be pleasantly surprised at the end. If your worse expectations came true, then at least you were prepared for it.
I'm leaving at 5.30pm, naturally. That's the time the library closes.
I signed onto MSN earlier, had a chat with Erika and stuff. Nothing significant happened though.
But my new nickname is Xue (Learning to Live). Because that's what I am: a work in progress.
I need to learn to live. I'm currently stuck in limbo, which sucks.
A limbo of what, you might ask. Well here's my usual longwinded explanation.
Someone once said that it takes courage to die. That I totally agree with. Suicide isn't the easiest thing unless you are mentally confused at that point in time; your body's natural instinct is to live, even if your mind wants to die.
However, somebody also said that it takes a lot more courage to live. Again, a statement of utter veracity. Dying is the coward's way out; to muster the strength to live on is one of the greatest acts of courage. Besides, in this new incredibly screwed up world, living is such a pain, especially if you actually see what's going on and aren't blinded (like so many people I could name, but I won't cos I'm not rich enough to face a lawsuit).
The whole problem here is that I'm a big coward. Atalia once told me that she thought I was strong to live on even after the pain of my mother's passing etc. She was wrong. I'm not brave or strong enough to live. I'm just too scared to die. That's what's going on.
To scared to die, to cowardly to live. I'm stuck in between, living a twilight life. I'm not really living the way I could be, simply because I gave up on it. Does that say a lot about me? I suppose it does. I could name some things, but I rather not expose my rather degrading opinions of myself to the whole wide world. Or actually a very narrow world. Who the heck would be reading this??? Other than the regular crew whom I know of, of course.
You know, I can almost imagine people around me going, "Oh, you should buck up, stop wallowing in self-pity. It's not healthy." and etc etc. Things like "You should just get on with your life" or my personal favorite "Get up and DO things, you lazy bum!"
Nobody said the last one to me of course. I said that to myself. But I expect that some of the people who tried to advise me were thinking it though. It's not too surprising. I AM a bag of lazy, unmotivated bones.
It's like sleepwalking. Like I'm in a dream or something. Except this one's a nightmare. A nightmare I know I can't wake up from. A nightmare that makes me scream and scream in the silences of my mind.
Sometimes the screams gets verbalised. I usually do it when I'm alone and with Initial D music blasting in the background. It helps mask the sound.
I'm perpetually lethargic, with occasional periods of rapt alertness and vivacity. After that I just sink back into my haze of oblivion.
It's pathetic, un-useful, stupid, unproductive, idiotic, and whatever negative term appropriate enough to be attached here.
But I'm doing it anyway. Am I idiotic? Most definitely. Do I care? Not really. Why?
Because there are even bigger idiots out there.
It's surprising sometimes. You would expect smart people to get results. You know, intelligence making it easier and stuff. You expect them to score straight As and excel in lots of things.
I'm smart. I'm not bragging. An IQ test said so, my counsellor said so, my friends said so, and I think so too. That totally smacks of arrogance, but what the heck anyway.
So what if I'm smart? I'm not getting results. That's the fact. I could be getting results, but I'm not. I know it in my gut, but I'm not. Because I'm not trying.
Even dumb people can get results. They just have to try a whole lot harder.
I'm not trying to be disparaging to dumb people. Really. Don't you believe me?
Actually I don't believe myself neither, so never mind that.
It's like a disease, elitism. I have a very elitist mindset in a sense. Comes from my glorious past. *heavy with irony and sarcasm*
I can be an incredibly snobbish person, if I wanted to. But I don't, since I don't want to alienate other people. Not that they aren't already alienated from me---most of them that is. Some people actually like me. *gasp!*
In my class, other than the Grace and Lester, I can get along with a few more people. Like Vicks, Liz, Desiree, Benita, and maybe Derek. The rest and I have a kind of relationship that goes pretty much like "Hi! Bye!" and that's about it.
Truth is, I like it this way. A small group of people you can trust, or at least halfway trust, is better than a big group of friends whom you worry might stab you in the back.
Trust me, I've seen it happen too many times to count. I won't name names, but I've seen it, and while greatly disheartened, I'd come to expect it.
I won't continue anymore with this post, but blog more in my next. I still have plenty to say. Naturally. Where else can I say them uninterrupted?
Monday, September 12, 2005
Empty
Empty
So empty it is
Gone the spark
Has fled
Somewhere it is
Missing something
Wrong without
Life the soul is---
Empty
A hollow shell
Ringing with echoes
It drums
Without substance
A vessel
All noise and---
Empty
A shadow of oneself
Less than whole
Below existence
It is gone and
Nothing left
Everything is---
All
Just
Empty
========================================
Wolf Hunting
Ah~ Oooooooooo~~~~~~~~
The howls of the hunter
Haunts the bowels of night---
Clinking soft, winding
Wending through shadows so slight
Ah~ Oooooooo~~~~~
It calls to the pack
Seeking the scattered---
Lost to the winds, swift
The wings of separation
Ah~ Oooooo~~~
Lonely the cries of one apart
Singing to those in foreign tongue---
Or hear not, mournful
The wolf who runs alone
Ah~ Ooo~~
It does not hunt
Solitude speeds at its side---
Watching, waiting
For signs that linger no more
Ah~ Oo~
Pity the wolf who runs alone
Unable to stop, unable to hunt---
That which is seeks, gone
Belonging once yet now lost.
===================================
Lamentations
I know I shouldn't have
I know I should have stopped
I knew it was wrong---
But I did it anyway.
I made you in my own image
I held your Fate in the palm of my hand
I held the keys to Life and Death---
But I let it happen anyway.
I watched you suffer
I watched you cry
I saw you sink into the abyss---
But I let you go anyway.
I brought you back a second time
I made you bleed even more this time
I saw your pain and felt it too---
But I did it anyway.
I feel guilty and I cannot lie
I bleed every time I watch you die
I felt your pain as if it were mine---
But we won't forgive me anyway.
===================================
Blame Game
Blame me when the sun won't shine
Blame me when we're out of time
Blame me always:
It's my fault when things go wrong.
Daddy blamed me when times were hard
Daddy blamed me for not doing my part
Daddy blamed me:
It's my fault for being there.
They blamed me when my granny fell
They blamed me when she hurt herself
They blamed me:
It's my fault for not being there.
I blamed me when my mother died
I blamed me for being useless and undignified
I blamed me:
It's my fault for being a burden to all and sundry.
Blame me because it's so easy
Blame me because I'm such a fool
Blame me all you want:
It's my fault---
All the time.
===========================================
4 poems in 2 weeks! I'm beginning to start composing poems every weekend now. It's good to keep in practice. It makes things come easier. I would wax lyrical and all, but I'm too lazy right now for a ridiculously long blog post. Well, when I get over my lethargy I'll be back.
IF I get over it, that is....
]
Empty
So empty it is
Gone the spark
Has fled
Somewhere it is
Missing something
Wrong without
Life the soul is---
Empty
A hollow shell
Ringing with echoes
It drums
Without substance
A vessel
All noise and---
Empty
A shadow of oneself
Less than whole
Below existence
It is gone and
Nothing left
Everything is---
All
Just
Empty
========================================
Wolf Hunting
Ah~ Oooooooooo~~~~~~~~
The howls of the hunter
Haunts the bowels of night---
Clinking soft, winding
Wending through shadows so slight
Ah~ Oooooooo~~~~~
It calls to the pack
Seeking the scattered---
Lost to the winds, swift
The wings of separation
Ah~ Oooooo~~~
Lonely the cries of one apart
Singing to those in foreign tongue---
Or hear not, mournful
The wolf who runs alone
Ah~ Ooo~~
It does not hunt
Solitude speeds at its side---
Watching, waiting
For signs that linger no more
Ah~ Oo~
Pity the wolf who runs alone
Unable to stop, unable to hunt---
That which is seeks, gone
Belonging once yet now lost.
===================================
Lamentations
I know I shouldn't have
I know I should have stopped
I knew it was wrong---
But I did it anyway.
I made you in my own image
I held your Fate in the palm of my hand
I held the keys to Life and Death---
But I let it happen anyway.
I watched you suffer
I watched you cry
I saw you sink into the abyss---
But I let you go anyway.
I brought you back a second time
I made you bleed even more this time
I saw your pain and felt it too---
But I did it anyway.
I feel guilty and I cannot lie
I bleed every time I watch you die
I felt your pain as if it were mine---
But we won't forgive me anyway.
===================================
Blame Game
Blame me when the sun won't shine
Blame me when we're out of time
Blame me always:
It's my fault when things go wrong.
Daddy blamed me when times were hard
Daddy blamed me for not doing my part
Daddy blamed me:
It's my fault for being there.
They blamed me when my granny fell
They blamed me when she hurt herself
They blamed me:
It's my fault for not being there.
I blamed me when my mother died
I blamed me for being useless and undignified
I blamed me:
It's my fault for being a burden to all and sundry.
Blame me because it's so easy
Blame me because I'm such a fool
Blame me all you want:
It's my fault---
All the time.
===========================================
4 poems in 2 weeks! I'm beginning to start composing poems every weekend now. It's good to keep in practice. It makes things come easier. I would wax lyrical and all, but I'm too lazy right now for a ridiculously long blog post. Well, when I get over my lethargy I'll be back.
IF I get over it, that is....
