Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Hi everyone! It's 5pm here at SAJC library and the weather is cloudy. It looks like rain and its freezing cold (as usual) in here.
Ok great I sound like the weather person.
Anyway ignoring the usual inane preamble at the top.
Ooooh they turned off the aircon! I feel slightly less...cold...still numb though....
Ok random observations aside, let's get on with this.
Assuming there is a point to my post of course. Which there usually isn't, unless something major happens in my life. Which of course, nothing has, otherwise I would be talking about it already.
So why am I here? Because I needed to blog. Why do I need to blog? I don't really know, but who cares?
Today was an alright day. Tomorrow won't be. Have I suddenly become clairvoyant? I hasten to assure you that is not the case.
That's because tommorow is SEA History tutorial. And that is bad. Why?
Because the bunch of geniuses in my class never even gave me my new set of notes. So I'm officially screwed. Like they care. Like I matter, right?
Ok before I go down Angst Lane, I should change the topic.
Today could have been worse. But somehow it turned out ok. LIke I say, just expect the worst of every situation, and you might just be pleasantly surprised at the end. If your worse expectations came true, then at least you were prepared for it.
I'm leaving at 5.30pm, naturally. That's the time the library closes.
I signed onto MSN earlier, had a chat with Erika and stuff. Nothing significant happened though.
But my new nickname is Xue (Learning to Live). Because that's what I am: a work in progress.
I need to learn to live. I'm currently stuck in limbo, which sucks.
A limbo of what, you might ask. Well here's my usual longwinded explanation.
Someone once said that it takes courage to die. That I totally agree with. Suicide isn't the easiest thing unless you are mentally confused at that point in time; your body's natural instinct is to live, even if your mind wants to die.
However, somebody also said that it takes a lot more courage to live. Again, a statement of utter veracity. Dying is the coward's way out; to muster the strength to live on is one of the greatest acts of courage. Besides, in this new incredibly screwed up world, living is such a pain, especially if you actually see what's going on and aren't blinded (like so many people I could name, but I won't cos I'm not rich enough to face a lawsuit).
The whole problem here is that I'm a big coward. Atalia once told me that she thought I was strong to live on even after the pain of my mother's passing etc. She was wrong. I'm not brave or strong enough to live. I'm just too scared to die. That's what's going on.
To scared to die, to cowardly to live. I'm stuck in between, living a twilight life. I'm not really living the way I could be, simply because I gave up on it. Does that say a lot about me? I suppose it does. I could name some things, but I rather not expose my rather degrading opinions of myself to the whole wide world. Or actually a very narrow world. Who the heck would be reading this??? Other than the regular crew whom I know of, of course.
You know, I can almost imagine people around me going, "Oh, you should buck up, stop wallowing in self-pity. It's not healthy." and etc etc. Things like "You should just get on with your life" or my personal favorite "Get up and DO things, you lazy bum!"
Nobody said the last one to me of course. I said that to myself. But I expect that some of the people who tried to advise me were thinking it though. It's not too surprising. I AM a bag of lazy, unmotivated bones.
It's like sleepwalking. Like I'm in a dream or something. Except this one's a nightmare. A nightmare I know I can't wake up from. A nightmare that makes me scream and scream in the silences of my mind.
Sometimes the screams gets verbalised. I usually do it when I'm alone and with Initial D music blasting in the background. It helps mask the sound.
I'm perpetually lethargic, with occasional periods of rapt alertness and vivacity. After that I just sink back into my haze of oblivion.
It's pathetic, un-useful, stupid, unproductive, idiotic, and whatever negative term appropriate enough to be attached here.
But I'm doing it anyway. Am I idiotic? Most definitely. Do I care? Not really. Why?
Because there are even bigger idiots out there.
It's surprising sometimes. You would expect smart people to get results. You know, intelligence making it easier and stuff. You expect them to score straight As and excel in lots of things.
I'm smart. I'm not bragging. An IQ test said so, my counsellor said so, my friends said so, and I think so too. That totally smacks of arrogance, but what the heck anyway.
So what if I'm smart? I'm not getting results. That's the fact. I could be getting results, but I'm not. I know it in my gut, but I'm not. Because I'm not trying.
Even dumb people can get results. They just have to try a whole lot harder.
I'm not trying to be disparaging to dumb people. Really. Don't you believe me?
Actually I don't believe myself neither, so never mind that.
It's like a disease, elitism. I have a very elitist mindset in a sense. Comes from my glorious past. *heavy with irony and sarcasm*
I can be an incredibly snobbish person, if I wanted to. But I don't, since I don't want to alienate other people. Not that they aren't already alienated from me---most of them that is. Some people actually like me. *gasp!*
In my class, other than the Grace and Lester, I can get along with a few more people. Like Vicks, Liz, Desiree, Benita, and maybe Derek. The rest and I have a kind of relationship that goes pretty much like "Hi! Bye!" and that's about it.
Truth is, I like it this way. A small group of people you can trust, or at least halfway trust, is better than a big group of friends whom you worry might stab you in the back.
Trust me, I've seen it happen too many times to count. I won't name names, but I've seen it, and while greatly disheartened, I'd come to expect it.
I won't continue anymore with this post, but blog more in my next. I still have plenty to say. Naturally. Where else can I say them uninterrupted?
]
Ok great I sound like the weather person.
Anyway ignoring the usual inane preamble at the top.
Ooooh they turned off the aircon! I feel slightly less...cold...still numb though....
Ok random observations aside, let's get on with this.
Assuming there is a point to my post of course. Which there usually isn't, unless something major happens in my life. Which of course, nothing has, otherwise I would be talking about it already.
So why am I here? Because I needed to blog. Why do I need to blog? I don't really know, but who cares?
Today was an alright day. Tomorrow won't be. Have I suddenly become clairvoyant? I hasten to assure you that is not the case.
That's because tommorow is SEA History tutorial. And that is bad. Why?
Because the bunch of geniuses in my class never even gave me my new set of notes. So I'm officially screwed. Like they care. Like I matter, right?
Ok before I go down Angst Lane, I should change the topic.
Today could have been worse. But somehow it turned out ok. LIke I say, just expect the worst of every situation, and you might just be pleasantly surprised at the end. If your worse expectations came true, then at least you were prepared for it.
I'm leaving at 5.30pm, naturally. That's the time the library closes.
I signed onto MSN earlier, had a chat with Erika and stuff. Nothing significant happened though.
But my new nickname is Xue (Learning to Live). Because that's what I am: a work in progress.
I need to learn to live. I'm currently stuck in limbo, which sucks.
A limbo of what, you might ask. Well here's my usual longwinded explanation.
Someone once said that it takes courage to die. That I totally agree with. Suicide isn't the easiest thing unless you are mentally confused at that point in time; your body's natural instinct is to live, even if your mind wants to die.
However, somebody also said that it takes a lot more courage to live. Again, a statement of utter veracity. Dying is the coward's way out; to muster the strength to live on is one of the greatest acts of courage. Besides, in this new incredibly screwed up world, living is such a pain, especially if you actually see what's going on and aren't blinded (like so many people I could name, but I won't cos I'm not rich enough to face a lawsuit).
The whole problem here is that I'm a big coward. Atalia once told me that she thought I was strong to live on even after the pain of my mother's passing etc. She was wrong. I'm not brave or strong enough to live. I'm just too scared to die. That's what's going on.
To scared to die, to cowardly to live. I'm stuck in between, living a twilight life. I'm not really living the way I could be, simply because I gave up on it. Does that say a lot about me? I suppose it does. I could name some things, but I rather not expose my rather degrading opinions of myself to the whole wide world. Or actually a very narrow world. Who the heck would be reading this??? Other than the regular crew whom I know of, of course.
You know, I can almost imagine people around me going, "Oh, you should buck up, stop wallowing in self-pity. It's not healthy." and etc etc. Things like "You should just get on with your life" or my personal favorite "Get up and DO things, you lazy bum!"
Nobody said the last one to me of course. I said that to myself. But I expect that some of the people who tried to advise me were thinking it though. It's not too surprising. I AM a bag of lazy, unmotivated bones.
It's like sleepwalking. Like I'm in a dream or something. Except this one's a nightmare. A nightmare I know I can't wake up from. A nightmare that makes me scream and scream in the silences of my mind.
Sometimes the screams gets verbalised. I usually do it when I'm alone and with Initial D music blasting in the background. It helps mask the sound.
I'm perpetually lethargic, with occasional periods of rapt alertness and vivacity. After that I just sink back into my haze of oblivion.
It's pathetic, un-useful, stupid, unproductive, idiotic, and whatever negative term appropriate enough to be attached here.
But I'm doing it anyway. Am I idiotic? Most definitely. Do I care? Not really. Why?
Because there are even bigger idiots out there.
It's surprising sometimes. You would expect smart people to get results. You know, intelligence making it easier and stuff. You expect them to score straight As and excel in lots of things.
I'm smart. I'm not bragging. An IQ test said so, my counsellor said so, my friends said so, and I think so too. That totally smacks of arrogance, but what the heck anyway.
So what if I'm smart? I'm not getting results. That's the fact. I could be getting results, but I'm not. I know it in my gut, but I'm not. Because I'm not trying.
Even dumb people can get results. They just have to try a whole lot harder.
I'm not trying to be disparaging to dumb people. Really. Don't you believe me?
Actually I don't believe myself neither, so never mind that.
It's like a disease, elitism. I have a very elitist mindset in a sense. Comes from my glorious past. *heavy with irony and sarcasm*
I can be an incredibly snobbish person, if I wanted to. But I don't, since I don't want to alienate other people. Not that they aren't already alienated from me---most of them that is. Some people actually like me. *gasp!*
In my class, other than the Grace and Lester, I can get along with a few more people. Like Vicks, Liz, Desiree, Benita, and maybe Derek. The rest and I have a kind of relationship that goes pretty much like "Hi! Bye!" and that's about it.
Truth is, I like it this way. A small group of people you can trust, or at least halfway trust, is better than a big group of friends whom you worry might stab you in the back.
Trust me, I've seen it happen too many times to count. I won't name names, but I've seen it, and while greatly disheartened, I'd come to expect it.
I won't continue anymore with this post, but blog more in my next. I still have plenty to say. Naturally. Where else can I say them uninterrupted?
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