Aeternus, Eternus

AHHHH! Chinese O levels were a killer today!

Paper 1 was surprisingly easy.

But like they say, good things seldom last. Paper 2 was hell.

Mainly cos I didn't study, so yeah I brought it on my own head.

Actually Paper 2 wasn't that bad. The comprehension part was ok enough. But I screwed up on most of the other parts. The horror.

Oh well. What done can't be undone now. No point chewing over old soup. Although I wonder how soup can be chewed in the first place. I mean, unless it gets all mouldy and icky-like, with fungus growing in it and thus making it chewable...eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww!

Sometimes my imagination gets the better of me......

DIE ANT DIE!!! *crushes ant into tiny bits*

Cough. That was totally random, excuse the interruption.

Now what was I planning to say? Ah I can't remember. Eh who cares. Hmm. Bored. Gah...

I've found I really like blogging. All that time I spend spewing crap is very enjoyable. Not to mention it gives me a space for uninterrupted ramble. Hehe. No one to annoy but me, myself, and my other freeloaders!

*Other indignant voices: WE ARE NOT FREELOADERS!!!!*

Cough. Right. Like I believe that...

NOOOO DON'T EAT MY CHOCOLATE!!!

Ungrateful little creeps! First they illegally occupy my mindspace, then they steal my chocolate! MY chocolate!! Burn in hell you little chocolate-stealers!!! *waves club aroundly madly*

.....

Wait. I'm acting...weird? *looks up* Eeek.

DISCLAIMER: ALL THE RANDOMNESS ABOVE IS AN ABBERATION THAT IS NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY

I hope everyone understood that. Hehe. ^__^;;;

Sometimes craziness justs pops outta nowhere. It's just a matter of getting used to it. I pretty much have fun during the weirdness...

...what?

Well, they say "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" Truer words never spoken. Insanity is an activity best shared! ^_~

Anyway time to watch the Mummy Returns on channel i. I really want to watch that since I've only read the novelisation so far and it seems fairly interesting to me.

Oh it's starting! You'll have to excuse me! ^_~

Welps, I finally got round to fixing that tiny font problem. Lol. Now I don't have to squint when I read my own blog.

Wonder if anyone's actually reading this? If you are, gimme a buzz on AIM, my username's kakyoku no kaze. I'm bored. Haha.

Anyway, that jap phrase means "Song from the Wind". Well at least I hope so. Hope I didn't get it wrong and make a total idiot of myself. ^__^;;;;

Yeah I'm so bored. I don't feel like playing OB, I don't feel like doing chapter 11 of BR, and I don't even feel like singing, since I think I suck. Lol.

So that's why I'm here. Haha. Extreme boredom at work! :)

Bah I can't think of anything. Now to go check out solid07 and see if anyone else replied to chapter 10 of BR. I certainly hope so...

Well lemme mosey off now...

I'm back again!

...wait that seems OOC.

Ok correction, I'm back, yeah I'm still alive. So?

Hmm much better. Sometimes I think I'm getting a tad too obsessed with being in character. Haha. I guess it comes from all that POV writing I do. I HAVE to be in character then.

For example, Krista (main charac in BR, not me) has a inferiority complex and overanalyzes things. Kinda like the real me actually. Oh well it was a self-insert, so yeah.

Jin is hyper and whimsical. Kinda like me on a sugar high. Lol. Ultra fun to write, I love her POVs.

Shi Yeon is ultra-smart, ultra-hyper and ultra-happy. Souped up on the ultra side...hmm. Slightly challenging to portray, which explains why I hardly do POVs for her.

YoungWoong. Intensely loyal, serious but can be funny sometimes. He loosens up more around his pals. No problem writing his POV.

Max. Female version of Jin, except more maniacal and hyper with less whimsical tendencies. Easy to write too.

Tristan. Broody vampire dude with angst issues and is ultra-civilised. He's so civilised you really feel like punching him sometimes. But oddly I like writing his POV. Lol.

Jannie, the temperamental girl. Talk about mood swings! But really, she ain't all that bad. Toned down version of Jin when she's happy, she's full out depressing like me when in her stick-up-her-ass mode. Kinda interesting really, but I don't do POVs of her that often.

Brian...well I have only done one POV for him so far, and to tell the truth, I don't really like his character very much. Heroic, self-sacrificing, but yet ready to sacrifice anything to achieve his cause. I doubt I'll do many POVs of him.

Danny. Noble, funny, a perfect match for Jin. He's witty, serious when necessary, and is often calm in times of trouble. Very reliable character. I like him. ^_^

That's so far. I'm detecting a certain bias against some of my characters. Lol. I'm human after all. I'm prejudiced. ^__~

Well now to plan chapter 11 of BR. And maybe even finish up OB while I'm on a roll. Lol. Maybe I should do a novelisation of the Good Path of OB. I don't like the Evil Path, I like good endings. Haha.

Adios amigos~~

I had a weird night. Weird as in I was taking a break in bed at 8pm the night before, and then I fell asleep. Damn.

And then I woke up at midnight. Lol. And went back to sleep...after a while that is. I spent some time coming up with weird new things in my head. As for what those things are, well let's just say those will never ever see the light of day if I can help it. Hehe.

Everyone has their own skeletons in the closet. I'm running outta space though. Eh who cares, I'll just get a bigger closet. Lol.

I think I got carried away writing that funny scene for chapter 10 of Black Requiem. Now to find a graceful way to end it...I suppose good old scene shift would have to do. Lol.

Then who to focus on? I have 3 simultaneous events. I just covered one. So it's either the Jin/Danny/Tristan episode, or the Jannie/YoungWoong/Max events.

Personally I think the 2nd one would be more likely. After all its morning. The vampires would all be happily snoozing. Jannie would probably be tied up. And thinking of a good way to get out. Oh and I almost forgot about poor Brian. Guess he needs reinforcements...and time to begin Operation Matchmaking Part 4. Muahahahahhaha!!!

Had fun with real McCoy last evening before I logged off. I just LOVE RPing! Considering all the mythical stuff I threw in, and all the blatant Ogre Battle hints I threw in. Haha! I must be really bored. Lol.

Anyway now either I go to finish OB, or I go work on BR. Hmm choices choices...

I finished doing the lyrics for Always! English lyrics of course!

And here it is~~~

You were so cold
So far away, a lonely soul
Silence clouds your frame...
Why won't you say anything,
Why won't you speak up and tell me how you feel?
And stop making me wait in vain...

I weep for you, to try and let you hear me out,
But it is all in vain...
No matter what I do, no matter what I say will make no change
You won't ever come back to me...

There's no hope left, alone I weep,
I knew it would be like this but I still hoped...
I always have, I always will,
I love you, until the ends of time...I'll love you...

Now it's too late, you've opened the door and left me there,
Leaving my life like that...
Without a single glance behind, you have left me and I can't see you anymore
How I hate being alone...

There's no hope left, alone I weep,
I knew it would be like this but I still hoped...
I always have, I always will,
I love you, until the ends of time...
Just stay for once, just for a day,
Maybe for once I'll tell, the words in me,
How I do care, how I love you,
I'll tell all, just to prove my words: I love you...

Maybe one day out ahead,
You might still think of me now,
I'll wait here for you to come back, for you to find me....

Right now you're back, for that I'm glad,
I was so happy with you back, I wept again...
I love you so, I love you so...
Though it hurts, but there's no choice for me...
Farewell...

It's the best I could do, considering my own limitations. Yeah I've got plenty of limitations. What a shocking thought! Well to me at least. :P

And oh, those lyrics are copyrighted to ME! ME ME ME AND ME!!! *cough* Right. I don't own the song, only the lyrics I rewrote! I hope that clears things up...

Time to do random things! And I'm hungry...

Hey hey! In fairly good spirits right now.

Yeah ain't that odd? ^_^

Watched Troy today. It was a fairly good representation, a few literary errors here and there, but those are to be expected. Although Achilles came off like an arrogant bastard. And Paris looked like a wimpy coward. Well I never did like Paris very much when I read the Iliad, I despise him even more after watching this movie. Lol.

Hector was as cool as he was in the Iliad. Patrocles was a nice guy. And I still don't like Agamemnon. He acts like he's got a stick shoved up his ass in both the movie and the Iliad. But I always thought Menelaus was a lot younger than the way they portrayed him in the movie. Guess they had to make him look like a dirty old lecher to let Paris look good. Actually in the Iliad Menelaus was always the good guy, plus he was actually worthy of Helen, he did win the challenge for her hand. And of course the movie changed the story again. Hate it when literary accuracy gets sacrificed for dramatic purposes, but I guess its normal, as much as I don't like it.

But overall Troy isn't that bad. Entertainment value is ok, good for girls who like drooling over Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom. I had to endure 2 hours and 40mins of my friend sitting next to me gushing about how cute Orlando looked. Sheesh. And she even whacked me when I commented on how Orlando's character, Paris, was a bloody coward for hiding behind Hector when Menelaus was going to kill him after Paris lost the duel.

I was kinda unaffected by the violence and most of the scenes. Some parts I started a bit, but remained calm throughout. Strange eh? I still don't get why they cried when Achilles died. I mean, duh, he dies, it's not even real, puh-lease. But they were going "It's so sad!!". And I was like thinking to myself, "Umm, just lemme get out of here right now, gotta go to the loo". LOL! ^_^

I'm such a weirdo. Wait I didn't have any reason to say that. Eh wait, I don't NEED a reason to say that. It's one of the benefits of being female. ^_~

Well, til next time then. Later all!

Quote:
Est Sularas Oth Mithas

I made a new banner! Go me! Although it looks slightly shoddy thanks to my shaky hand and lousy programs. I only have Paint, I wish I had Photoshop!! :(

Anyway here's how it looks like.



I revised it again to fit my preference...



And then I had to resize it to fit the requirements for a signature banner at solid07....



This is ridiculously funny the way I kept revising it. Or in general terms, making it smaller. Lol. But it looks ok, slightly shoddy and all, but then again bear in mind that this is mostly cut and paste. You have no idea how much trouble I had cutting the korean words out properly, and THEN having to fill up the white spaces to make it fit the background. Geeesh.

But it's nice and simple, and it has BoA there. Good enough for me. :) Maybe next time I'll do better...

Hey I'm back again. Listening to Linkin Park's Numb. Does that tell you my current mood? I hope it does.

I feel like hurting something. I can see myself holding a knife and twisting it into someone, anyone. Then watching the person grimace in pain. I can see my own eyes, flaming in anger and hatred. At what? I have no idea.

Maybe just life in general. I'm one of those pessimists. Or realists. In this world there really isn't much difference between the two is there?

Yeah I'm a cynic too. And proud of it. Sure life is bitter like that, but hey, we have fun in our own weird ways too. Fun is a very general term, I have noted.

Took a really weird quiz some time back. You know, a Guilty Gear character quiz. I got the result Millia Rage. Not bad, I like that girl. Haha. Shrewd, cold, apathetic. I like that description. Plus she sounds a little like me...killer with a conscience.

I haven't killed...yet. It's a crime after all. Wonder if I could do it without getting caught...hmm. Nah it's not worth it. Not until the day I decide that I want to die. Then yeah, I will go around murdering people. But right now I want to live, and that means its safe, for now.

I do have a conscience. It hasn't been completely erased yet. But I'm working on that. Right now I can still feel guilty about things, but it affects me less than it used to.

The lyrics for Numb really does suit me. Here it is.

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure, of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you

[Chorus:]
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart, right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
An' every second I waste is more than I can take

Chorus: Repeat]

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me
With someone disappointed in you

[Chorus: Repeat]

I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be (x2)

It really strikes a chord within me. Especially the parts like "Every step that I take is another mistake to you" and "I don't know what you're expecting of me". It really says what I feel.

Sometimes it feels like I'm a train wreck. Nothing I do seems to satisfy others. Well at least in real life. My online buddies actually like me, so that's a "whole 'nother thang". Yeah slang there. Lol.

Does my opinion matter to anyone in real life? It sure doesn't feel that way. I always seem to get overrided. No one slows down enough to hear me. Armed in all their preconceptions they stride ahead, forgetting all else.

It's highly admirable. So admirable that I shudder from the honor of ever practising it. Really. Pardon me while I go to one side to stifle my imminent guffaws.

Maybe I'm just pathetic. Sure feels that way. I actually stop to look, to think, to try and figure out the deeper meaning of things. I don't barrel ahead to try and get ahead of the competition. How weak of me. Isn't that what everyone thinks? That I'm a useless dreamer, ungrounded in reality, destined to fall behind?

I never feel more alone than when I'm in a crowd. The multitudes, rushing ahead, all around me. They never look up to see how blue the sky is, to see the clouds drift across the rolling plains of endless blue. All they see is what's ahead of them, like blinkered horses. Focused on their goal.

Again, I applaud their unwavering determination. But I also despise them for their lack of vision. It is this that turns all the people I have ever seen into mindless automatons. Little robots blindly going at their daily tasks, until the day they die.

Little wonder I feel a general sense of contempt towards everyone. Although I always wonder where I got that puffed up sense of my own superiority from. I've been trying to keep that within reasonable limits. I really wonder how it came about.

I think it's humorous how I had this really constipated look on my face. Yeah, constipated. Yes I know its funny. It's the only word I can use to describe it. My eyes became all flat and cold. My face becomes...well...constipated. Lol. More like a grimace really. The get-away-from-me-or-else look. But it's funny to me on hindsight. Yeah I look for the humor in every situation. I can still laugh when I'm angry/upset. It's weird.

I take pride in the fact that I can speak in a very level voice when my dad yells at me. It's like my voice becomes extraordinarily calm and low. That alone should ring warning bells. But no, my dad doesn't get it. Hooray.

But now to take some things off my To-Do List. yeah I actually made on in Microsoft Notepad. Lol.

Til next time then.

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Wow. When was the last time I posted? Feels like ages ago.

Life goes on. Like it always does. Oh btw had been going thru exams the past week or so.

I get the feeling that I screwed up somewhere. As usual. When do I not screw up?

Answer, hardly ever. I'm a walking catastrophe. I'm a disaster waiting to happen. A ticking time-bomb.

Every step I take is just another mistake. Every breath I draw is a waste of precious oxygen. Every thing I touch crumbles and fades into ashes. Everything I love ends up broken and abused.

Why does someone like me exist? Because I am. Because of a fluke maybe, but I'm here, and I can't change that.

I exist. My existence is an offense to the natural order, but I don't care anymore. I live, simply because I must. There isn't any reason for me to, I just am.

I move on. Like I always do. Like I always have. There is no reason for me to do otherwise. I just keep going.

Running. I just keep running. Trying to run away from others. Trying to run away from reality. Trying to run from my problems. Trying to run from myself.

I can't accept myself. No matter what I've said, no matter what I've done to try to justify myself, I can't accept who I am.

Who am I? A confused 16 year old, with delusions of grandeur. An unrealistic dreamer trying to be something I'm not. A scared little girl hiding behind a mask. A manipulative, selfish, greedy little bitch trying to gain the upper hand in any situation, but failing miserably.

Good and Evil are human terms. I don't believe in them, nor do I disbelieve in them. Am I good? Am I bad? I really dunno. Depends on the judge.

I really want to be a good girl. Really. Somewhere deep down there I'm just seeking approval from others. I'm just insecure. Why am I psychoanalysing myself? I have no idea.

It's safer to remain a skeptic. Sure it's harsh, but you can't always have everything. I learnt that.

Some things are really strange. You never know what one action means to any given person. What you did may not affect you, but it may affect someone more deeply than you think. I have absolutely no idea what my actions are doing to other people, and I don't want to know.

I have experienced something like this. Someone I once trusted hit me. Granted I probably deserved it. I always deserve something like this. But back on topic.

I was on my knees. Then the umbrella came whooshing down. It hit my shoulders. I don't even remember if it hurts. It doesn't matter if it hurts. What was more important was what that stroke meant to me.

The very instant it connected, something shattered. It wasn't anything physical. It was my trust. My faith in that person was broken. And the incident has been branded into my memory. I don't think I ever hated anything more in that instant.

But it was gone. And I didn't even realise it until much later. My relationsip with that person would never be the same. I would never be able to trust her compeletely ever again.

It doesn't even matter if I deserved it, whether it was my fault or not. All I could remember was what the stroke meant to my inner self, no strings attached.

To her, it may have been well-deserved for me, that she was trying to bring me to my senses; but to me, the only thing that registered was "She hit me. She HIT me.". If I had any hope left it was broken that instant.

Like I said though, I probably deserved it. But the effect she wanted was not the effect it had in reality for me. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself, but sometimes it's strange the way things work. What we want to do or say may have reverse effects of our original intention.

Sigh. I can't stand how maudlin I am sometimes. Bah. I'll be back.