Aeternus, Eternus

Hey I'm back again. Listening to Linkin Park's Numb. Does that tell you my current mood? I hope it does.

I feel like hurting something. I can see myself holding a knife and twisting it into someone, anyone. Then watching the person grimace in pain. I can see my own eyes, flaming in anger and hatred. At what? I have no idea.

Maybe just life in general. I'm one of those pessimists. Or realists. In this world there really isn't much difference between the two is there?

Yeah I'm a cynic too. And proud of it. Sure life is bitter like that, but hey, we have fun in our own weird ways too. Fun is a very general term, I have noted.

Took a really weird quiz some time back. You know, a Guilty Gear character quiz. I got the result Millia Rage. Not bad, I like that girl. Haha. Shrewd, cold, apathetic. I like that description. Plus she sounds a little like me...killer with a conscience.

I haven't killed...yet. It's a crime after all. Wonder if I could do it without getting caught...hmm. Nah it's not worth it. Not until the day I decide that I want to die. Then yeah, I will go around murdering people. But right now I want to live, and that means its safe, for now.

I do have a conscience. It hasn't been completely erased yet. But I'm working on that. Right now I can still feel guilty about things, but it affects me less than it used to.

The lyrics for Numb really does suit me. Here it is.

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure, of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you

[Chorus:]
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart, right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
An' every second I waste is more than I can take

Chorus: Repeat]

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me
With someone disappointed in you

[Chorus: Repeat]

I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be (x2)

It really strikes a chord within me. Especially the parts like "Every step that I take is another mistake to you" and "I don't know what you're expecting of me". It really says what I feel.

Sometimes it feels like I'm a train wreck. Nothing I do seems to satisfy others. Well at least in real life. My online buddies actually like me, so that's a "whole 'nother thang". Yeah slang there. Lol.

Does my opinion matter to anyone in real life? It sure doesn't feel that way. I always seem to get overrided. No one slows down enough to hear me. Armed in all their preconceptions they stride ahead, forgetting all else.

It's highly admirable. So admirable that I shudder from the honor of ever practising it. Really. Pardon me while I go to one side to stifle my imminent guffaws.

Maybe I'm just pathetic. Sure feels that way. I actually stop to look, to think, to try and figure out the deeper meaning of things. I don't barrel ahead to try and get ahead of the competition. How weak of me. Isn't that what everyone thinks? That I'm a useless dreamer, ungrounded in reality, destined to fall behind?

I never feel more alone than when I'm in a crowd. The multitudes, rushing ahead, all around me. They never look up to see how blue the sky is, to see the clouds drift across the rolling plains of endless blue. All they see is what's ahead of them, like blinkered horses. Focused on their goal.

Again, I applaud their unwavering determination. But I also despise them for their lack of vision. It is this that turns all the people I have ever seen into mindless automatons. Little robots blindly going at their daily tasks, until the day they die.

Little wonder I feel a general sense of contempt towards everyone. Although I always wonder where I got that puffed up sense of my own superiority from. I've been trying to keep that within reasonable limits. I really wonder how it came about.

I think it's humorous how I had this really constipated look on my face. Yeah, constipated. Yes I know its funny. It's the only word I can use to describe it. My eyes became all flat and cold. My face becomes...well...constipated. Lol. More like a grimace really. The get-away-from-me-or-else look. But it's funny to me on hindsight. Yeah I look for the humor in every situation. I can still laugh when I'm angry/upset. It's weird.

I take pride in the fact that I can speak in a very level voice when my dad yells at me. It's like my voice becomes extraordinarily calm and low. That alone should ring warning bells. But no, my dad doesn't get it. Hooray.

But now to take some things off my To-Do List. yeah I actually made on in Microsoft Notepad. Lol.

Til next time then.