Monday, April 24, 2006
It was the best of times, the worst of times.
I think its the 2nd time I've started off a post using this quote.
Being torn apart has interesting repercussions. Mentally, emotionally, just a train wreck.
Oddly, I don't feel anything. In the words of my own poem, I stand at the brink of a storm, yet all I do is just watch as the city crumbles around me.
There's an inherent beauty in destruction. Just like watching a flame on a candle writhe and dance to its own rhythm. There's a perfect symmetry to destruction. Death and rebirth. Without destruction, how can there be creation?
You know, saying that suddenly reminded me of the Book of Revelations in the Bible. The flames of destruction. The seeds of destruction in humanity. Mankind is resolutely charging into destruction. All in the name of progress, I believe.
Yet out of the ashes, the Saviour will create a new kingdom of peace and unite the world. Or so it goes. An eternal kingdom, one that will never fall.
Yet in history, we see the rise and fall of great empires. In the rise of a great nation lies the beginning of their destruction. Rise and renewal, that is the circle of life. Death feeds life, so that as one epoch passes into another, we grow stronger. And then we fall, to make way for the new.
Looking up the term of nihilism again. I think I subscribe to ethical nihilism (also known as moral nihilism), and to a smaller extent, existential nihilism. I didn't know there were so many categories before.
In case you don't understand, just google nihilism to find out what the heck I'm talking about.
I believe in my last post, I mentioned that I fight with death in mind. I don't fight for life anymore, I stopped doing that ages ago. I want to live, but I find no reason to. So now, I live while trying to find something strong enough to kill me. Evidently, I'm pulling a Zakath. Read the Mallorean if you don't know who or what I mean. XD
"Every belief, every considering something-true," Nietzsche writes, "is necessarily false because there is simply no true world." Fascinating thought, don't you think? Freddy might be extreme and somewhat insane, but there's no denying that he's brave enough to be crazy enough to say something like "God is dead" in a world with religious hardliners on his case.
I don't agree with Nietzsche on a lot of his ideas, because he's atheist and I don't subscribe to that view. I think its a bit one sided if you ask me. But he's interesting...and quoteworthy. XD
And *gasp*, I'm an Apollinian nihilist! One who watches the world and its ideals crumble before their very eyes. Haha. It's fun like that.
I like watching destruction. I can't deny that. It's real. In this crazy little absurd world we're living in, the only constant is that of destruction. Be it the environment, traditional family values, or even society as a base, they're all disintegrating bit by bit. All in the name of progress.
Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against progress. To say otherwise would be unforgivably hypocritical. I'm a hypocrite, but I'm not THAT bad. Progress is useful. It helps humanity discover more about themselves and the world. Of course, that in itself is a double-edged sword. What do we do with the knowledge? Where do we go with it? How do we handle it?
Knowledge. That in itself is a cursed word. We seek knowledge, even crave it at some point. Yet we are all too immature to know what to do with it. Yes, even me. No, especially me. Like Eve who ate of the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, we as her descendants want more of that forbidden fruit, but know not what to do with it, not knowing how to control it.
I'm not suggesting that we go back to the Dark Ages and forbid the search for knowledge. Galileo got burnt at a stake for suggesting that the world is round. God forbid that that would ever happen to anybody in this day and age. Well, we can hope, but with a tide of religious fundamentalism rearing its ugly head again, it seems that freedom of thought is once again a dangerous occupation to have.
Don't get me wrong. Freedom of expression and freedom of thought are two different things. The first is a privilege, the second is a right. While some human rights protestors might argue that freedom of expression is a right, I don't really agree.
Freedom of expression is a dangerous power when wielded in the hands of the ignorant. Given the opportunity, the tongues of man can be more venomous than the fangs of that of any serpent. The freedom to express oneself can cause upheaval and hatred, if the words used are thoughtless and in wilfulness. Lack of understanding in a person can cause them to express tasteless remarks that could incite further uneasiness, even hatred, which could only perpetuate the cycle of ignorance as both sides would then fail to see and comprehend the other.
That's why I said that freedom of expression is only a privilege, not a right. It should be exercised with care, and then again only at the right time. When freedom to express your opinion leads to greater hatred and misunderstanding, then I rather not exercise it under that kind of circumstance at all.
However, freedom of thought is another thing. That is the basic right that is the root of humanity itself. We can be beaten into submission, forced to conform to societal norms, but they can't strip away the right to think what we want privately. Well, at least that's true most of the time.
True submission lies not in that of the subjugation of the body, but in that of the mind and spirit. Many people have realised that, naturally. How do you think torture came about? Torture isn't just about breaking the body though, true torture lies in breaking the spirit, the will of the person. Of course, someone with real skill can probably shatter someone else's mind, and that's just plain scary.
The ability to think intelligently is even more of a dangerous force than most people anticipate. Of course, clever rulers (generally the long-serving dictators) know that the surest way to ensure their supremacy is to suppress intellectual development in the population. People who can't think for themselves are no better than sheep, blindly accepting their lot in life. That's why ideas can be very dangerous. Ideas can ignite a pile of passive firewood, and fanned on by a discerning flame, it can be an all-consuming force, destroying all in its path.
Obviously though, if one suppresses intellectual development in the population, it can have negative effects on society and the economy in general. Just look at what the Cultural Revolution did to China. Witch-hunting the intellectuals crippled development in that country, and it takes more than a generation to recover.
So what is the key then? How can one keep their population stupid enough to follow your orders, but yet still intelligent enough to run the economy? The answer, I'm afraid, is increasingly obvious from my point of view. I'm living in a society that has managed to do just exactly that to its population.
Yep, its Singapore. I can just see the bulging eyes and indignant responses just waiting to be unleashed on myself. Honestly though, it's hard to accept, but as I watch and observe the way society and the government works in Singapore, I must applaud the government's work for the past 40 years.
Nation-building isn't just about building an economy, or a defence force. It's about bringing the people together under a single identity. While I'm not sure how successful we are in the creation of a 'national identity' we have here, I can safely say that the government has managed to unite the people using an age-old concept: avarice.
Or in a nicer term, I suppose I can say we are united under the flag of pragmatic capitalism. You can't deny that Singaporeans are brutally pragmatic, and also disgustingly money-driven. It's been hammered into our parents by the government, and then onto us through our parents. We are taught from young to 'mind our own business', and also to 'do well in your studies so you can get a good job'. Less overt (though the results are obvious) are our lessons to chase materialism, as exhibited in the ultimate Singaporean dream of the 5Cs.
The government in Singapore succeeds where many have failed simply because they did not oppress nor visibly forbid anything. Taking a look at history, one can just see how in many cases, oppression has led to greater revolt, putting into reality the simple law of physics: That for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Simply put, the more you forbid and oppress the people, the more resistance gained from within the population. You can't kill all the rats, and it takes only one to bring down the system by galvanising the rest.
The government in Singapore has understood that principle very well, so it does not try to force things directly onto us. When they do want to do something like that, the action itself is couched in a fashion that makes it easier for us to accept, not just clubbing us over the head with it. It's kind of like the ultimate carrot-and-stick game being played here in Singapore. And it works.
We, in Singapore, have been on the receiving end of a mass propaganda session which forcefeeds pragmatism down our throats for the past 41 years. I'm not bashing pragmatism, but in a case where pragmatism is used to justify just about every action, it is no wonder why we're a staid and safe society. We have been taught not to take risks, not to challenge the government because for the most part, we wouldn't succeed.
And the best part? We believe everything. We actually strongly believe that it is for our own good. And perhaps, it is. We're safe here in Singapore. The government basically babies us and takes care of us. We just have to work hard in the economic machine like the happy worker ants we are and make sure everything goes smoothly so that our lives can go on as per normal.
It is however, unfair to say that everyone is subject to this rule. If that were true, there would be no opposition party in Singapore. But then again, we all know that unless the opposition suddenly bucks up and shows some solid mettle to challenge the present ruling party, the status quo won't change.
There are discerning people in Singapore, but trouble is, we aren't willing to rise up and change the system. Probably because we are too comfortable where we are now. I know I am, since while I'm willing to blog about it here, I'm probably unwilling to actually do something about it. You see, the problem here is that if you take away the current institution, what would you replace it with? It's like how the USA invaded Iraq with no concrete idea on what they're going to replace the regime they're going to topple with. All they had was some vague ideal of democracy, without realising that democracy is simply a form that cannot be substianted without the imposition of security and intellectual awareness of the situation beforehand. And now they're busily paying the price of that lack of foresight. Not that I really care. It's their shithole, they're going to have to climb out of it themselves somehow.
Singapore succeeded in subjugating the minds of their people by gently pointing them towards a common goal and spending the rest of the time making sure that everyone continues working towards that goal. It's subtle, and its effective. We don't question the government because we're too busy living our self-absorbed, self-contained lives where the primary purpose is generally to strike it rich.
I won't deny that I'm infected with the same syndrome. Heck, I think it's part of the cause of my internal turmoil as well. I'm rebelling against the standard measure of success in my society, and the little brainwashed part of me is screaming "NOOOOOOOO!!! Turn back! Turn back now!!" in order to try and knock some of the proverbial sense into me. That might be a reason for the kind of paralysis that has gripped me in recent months. On one hand, the pragmatic part of me wants to study and mug like hell so I can ace my A Levels and secure a ticket to university in order to get started on that well worn road to 'success'. On the other hand, the other half of me wants to pursue my dreams my own way, even if it means breaking off from the norm, to hell with the consequences. And there you have me in the middle, being torn in two different directions, and end up not moving at all while being systematically stripped off my fundamental parts, bit by bit. Haha.
Ignoring my personal circumstance though, I feel that China seems to be going down the same road as Singapore. Or trying to. I suspect Mao Zedong's visit to Singapore in the 1980s must have impressed him enough to indoctrinate that approach into his country, and subsequently followed by his successors. Of course, since China is such a large country, they're having a bit more trouble trying to balance that approach. One of the advantages of being as small as Singapore is that everything is so much easier to regulate.
If you aren't convinced by this aspect of my argument, just take a look at China now. Capitalism is on the rise there, despite the fact that they still have a communist government. I believe that in Newsweek, one of the articles even mentioned China's 'pragmatic capitalistic approach'. Now, haven't I mentioned something to that effect earlier in my argyment regarding to Singapore?
You see, the thing with China is that in a pure communist system, there are no values, no religion holding the country together. Except maybe nationalism, but that's about it. In many respects, it seems infected with nihilist principles. Of course, China is no longer pure-communist, since they have now embraced a capitalistic economy in order to revitalise the stagnant command economy system.
In the breakdown of traditional family and social values espoused by 5000 years of Chinese history during the early communist reign, they had nothing to cling to but nationalism. When China started opening up though, they had something new to cling to: avarice. Sound familiar yet?
Of course, China being as large and populous as it is, the urban population benefits first while the rural people lag far behind. The young urban elite now embrace capitalism fervently; money makes the world go round indeed.
But despite opening up to foreign influences, the communist government in China, despite predictions of the West, did not topple. The one thing about the West is that they can be awfully naive at times. They seem to believe that democracy is the ONLY way. But it isn't. Democracy as a system is awfully instable, because people, given a choice, are awfully fickle. As a nation, people can have extremely short memories, and stupidity seems to infect masses of people more insidiously than it does to a single individual. That's a little something Nietzsche agrees with by the way.
But you see, in China, they practice something known as controlled opening up. They don't throw open their doors and allow all foreign influences to bombard their people. They select certain things and ban the rest. In effect, they allow their people a little leeway in economic matters, but clamp down firmly on anything else that challenges their authority. That's why China succeeds where the USSR failed. Because China was more pragmatic about their economic development, which ensured a semi-stable base to work on, and with economic clout, it is easier to screen what kind of influences can reach the masses and to ban those that are subversive (to them anyway). How do you think the government got the search engine companines like Yahoo and Microsoft to censor certain information for them anyway? Money naturally. There's a lot of economic potential in China, and to reach it, those companies have to comply with the government's demands. That's the ingenuity of the CCP, first they create economic development, then use the results to strengthen their hold on the nation. Pragmatic capitalism, socialist style, at its best.
I'm not saying its a good thing. But I'm not saying its a bad thing either. It's effective, that's the only thing I can say. It's good that China is opening up and getting richer in the process, but its not so good that their government still retains so much control over civil rights and the like. But is the whole thing a net benefit or a net loss? That, I'm afraid, is a question that I don't have a answer to. Time will tell I guess.
Wow. I spent about 2 hours doing socioeconomic and political discussion. That is just so me. I can't focus on my studies, but give me something like philosophy and current affairs and I'll be happier than a fish in the ocean. It's just the way my mind works I'm afraid.
I wonder what my teachers will think, if they look at this post? I have no idea. Maybe I should just show them. It would be so much easier.
Fools. That's all what we are. Hopeless fools, in a world speeding towards destruction.
I'm in for the ride. Aren't you?
Bring the popcorn, sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. That's all I can say.
Don't you think so too?
>>Edit: This has been sitting on my blog for a couple of days but I couldn't get it to publish earlier.
]
I think its the 2nd time I've started off a post using this quote.
Being torn apart has interesting repercussions. Mentally, emotionally, just a train wreck.
Oddly, I don't feel anything. In the words of my own poem, I stand at the brink of a storm, yet all I do is just watch as the city crumbles around me.
There's an inherent beauty in destruction. Just like watching a flame on a candle writhe and dance to its own rhythm. There's a perfect symmetry to destruction. Death and rebirth. Without destruction, how can there be creation?
You know, saying that suddenly reminded me of the Book of Revelations in the Bible. The flames of destruction. The seeds of destruction in humanity. Mankind is resolutely charging into destruction. All in the name of progress, I believe.
Yet out of the ashes, the Saviour will create a new kingdom of peace and unite the world. Or so it goes. An eternal kingdom, one that will never fall.
Yet in history, we see the rise and fall of great empires. In the rise of a great nation lies the beginning of their destruction. Rise and renewal, that is the circle of life. Death feeds life, so that as one epoch passes into another, we grow stronger. And then we fall, to make way for the new.
Looking up the term of nihilism again. I think I subscribe to ethical nihilism (also known as moral nihilism), and to a smaller extent, existential nihilism. I didn't know there were so many categories before.
In case you don't understand, just google nihilism to find out what the heck I'm talking about.
I believe in my last post, I mentioned that I fight with death in mind. I don't fight for life anymore, I stopped doing that ages ago. I want to live, but I find no reason to. So now, I live while trying to find something strong enough to kill me. Evidently, I'm pulling a Zakath. Read the Mallorean if you don't know who or what I mean. XD
"Every belief, every considering something-true," Nietzsche writes, "is necessarily false because there is simply no true world." Fascinating thought, don't you think? Freddy might be extreme and somewhat insane, but there's no denying that he's brave enough to be crazy enough to say something like "God is dead" in a world with religious hardliners on his case.
I don't agree with Nietzsche on a lot of his ideas, because he's atheist and I don't subscribe to that view. I think its a bit one sided if you ask me. But he's interesting...and quoteworthy. XD
And *gasp*, I'm an Apollinian nihilist! One who watches the world and its ideals crumble before their very eyes. Haha. It's fun like that.
I like watching destruction. I can't deny that. It's real. In this crazy little absurd world we're living in, the only constant is that of destruction. Be it the environment, traditional family values, or even society as a base, they're all disintegrating bit by bit. All in the name of progress.
Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against progress. To say otherwise would be unforgivably hypocritical. I'm a hypocrite, but I'm not THAT bad. Progress is useful. It helps humanity discover more about themselves and the world. Of course, that in itself is a double-edged sword. What do we do with the knowledge? Where do we go with it? How do we handle it?
Knowledge. That in itself is a cursed word. We seek knowledge, even crave it at some point. Yet we are all too immature to know what to do with it. Yes, even me. No, especially me. Like Eve who ate of the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, we as her descendants want more of that forbidden fruit, but know not what to do with it, not knowing how to control it.
I'm not suggesting that we go back to the Dark Ages and forbid the search for knowledge. Galileo got burnt at a stake for suggesting that the world is round. God forbid that that would ever happen to anybody in this day and age. Well, we can hope, but with a tide of religious fundamentalism rearing its ugly head again, it seems that freedom of thought is once again a dangerous occupation to have.
Don't get me wrong. Freedom of expression and freedom of thought are two different things. The first is a privilege, the second is a right. While some human rights protestors might argue that freedom of expression is a right, I don't really agree.
Freedom of expression is a dangerous power when wielded in the hands of the ignorant. Given the opportunity, the tongues of man can be more venomous than the fangs of that of any serpent. The freedom to express oneself can cause upheaval and hatred, if the words used are thoughtless and in wilfulness. Lack of understanding in a person can cause them to express tasteless remarks that could incite further uneasiness, even hatred, which could only perpetuate the cycle of ignorance as both sides would then fail to see and comprehend the other.
That's why I said that freedom of expression is only a privilege, not a right. It should be exercised with care, and then again only at the right time. When freedom to express your opinion leads to greater hatred and misunderstanding, then I rather not exercise it under that kind of circumstance at all.
However, freedom of thought is another thing. That is the basic right that is the root of humanity itself. We can be beaten into submission, forced to conform to societal norms, but they can't strip away the right to think what we want privately. Well, at least that's true most of the time.
True submission lies not in that of the subjugation of the body, but in that of the mind and spirit. Many people have realised that, naturally. How do you think torture came about? Torture isn't just about breaking the body though, true torture lies in breaking the spirit, the will of the person. Of course, someone with real skill can probably shatter someone else's mind, and that's just plain scary.
The ability to think intelligently is even more of a dangerous force than most people anticipate. Of course, clever rulers (generally the long-serving dictators) know that the surest way to ensure their supremacy is to suppress intellectual development in the population. People who can't think for themselves are no better than sheep, blindly accepting their lot in life. That's why ideas can be very dangerous. Ideas can ignite a pile of passive firewood, and fanned on by a discerning flame, it can be an all-consuming force, destroying all in its path.
Obviously though, if one suppresses intellectual development in the population, it can have negative effects on society and the economy in general. Just look at what the Cultural Revolution did to China. Witch-hunting the intellectuals crippled development in that country, and it takes more than a generation to recover.
So what is the key then? How can one keep their population stupid enough to follow your orders, but yet still intelligent enough to run the economy? The answer, I'm afraid, is increasingly obvious from my point of view. I'm living in a society that has managed to do just exactly that to its population.
Yep, its Singapore. I can just see the bulging eyes and indignant responses just waiting to be unleashed on myself. Honestly though, it's hard to accept, but as I watch and observe the way society and the government works in Singapore, I must applaud the government's work for the past 40 years.
Nation-building isn't just about building an economy, or a defence force. It's about bringing the people together under a single identity. While I'm not sure how successful we are in the creation of a 'national identity' we have here, I can safely say that the government has managed to unite the people using an age-old concept: avarice.
Or in a nicer term, I suppose I can say we are united under the flag of pragmatic capitalism. You can't deny that Singaporeans are brutally pragmatic, and also disgustingly money-driven. It's been hammered into our parents by the government, and then onto us through our parents. We are taught from young to 'mind our own business', and also to 'do well in your studies so you can get a good job'. Less overt (though the results are obvious) are our lessons to chase materialism, as exhibited in the ultimate Singaporean dream of the 5Cs.
The government in Singapore succeeds where many have failed simply because they did not oppress nor visibly forbid anything. Taking a look at history, one can just see how in many cases, oppression has led to greater revolt, putting into reality the simple law of physics: That for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Simply put, the more you forbid and oppress the people, the more resistance gained from within the population. You can't kill all the rats, and it takes only one to bring down the system by galvanising the rest.
The government in Singapore has understood that principle very well, so it does not try to force things directly onto us. When they do want to do something like that, the action itself is couched in a fashion that makes it easier for us to accept, not just clubbing us over the head with it. It's kind of like the ultimate carrot-and-stick game being played here in Singapore. And it works.
We, in Singapore, have been on the receiving end of a mass propaganda session which forcefeeds pragmatism down our throats for the past 41 years. I'm not bashing pragmatism, but in a case where pragmatism is used to justify just about every action, it is no wonder why we're a staid and safe society. We have been taught not to take risks, not to challenge the government because for the most part, we wouldn't succeed.
And the best part? We believe everything. We actually strongly believe that it is for our own good. And perhaps, it is. We're safe here in Singapore. The government basically babies us and takes care of us. We just have to work hard in the economic machine like the happy worker ants we are and make sure everything goes smoothly so that our lives can go on as per normal.
It is however, unfair to say that everyone is subject to this rule. If that were true, there would be no opposition party in Singapore. But then again, we all know that unless the opposition suddenly bucks up and shows some solid mettle to challenge the present ruling party, the status quo won't change.
There are discerning people in Singapore, but trouble is, we aren't willing to rise up and change the system. Probably because we are too comfortable where we are now. I know I am, since while I'm willing to blog about it here, I'm probably unwilling to actually do something about it. You see, the problem here is that if you take away the current institution, what would you replace it with? It's like how the USA invaded Iraq with no concrete idea on what they're going to replace the regime they're going to topple with. All they had was some vague ideal of democracy, without realising that democracy is simply a form that cannot be substianted without the imposition of security and intellectual awareness of the situation beforehand. And now they're busily paying the price of that lack of foresight. Not that I really care. It's their shithole, they're going to have to climb out of it themselves somehow.
Singapore succeeded in subjugating the minds of their people by gently pointing them towards a common goal and spending the rest of the time making sure that everyone continues working towards that goal. It's subtle, and its effective. We don't question the government because we're too busy living our self-absorbed, self-contained lives where the primary purpose is generally to strike it rich.
I won't deny that I'm infected with the same syndrome. Heck, I think it's part of the cause of my internal turmoil as well. I'm rebelling against the standard measure of success in my society, and the little brainwashed part of me is screaming "NOOOOOOOO!!! Turn back! Turn back now!!" in order to try and knock some of the proverbial sense into me. That might be a reason for the kind of paralysis that has gripped me in recent months. On one hand, the pragmatic part of me wants to study and mug like hell so I can ace my A Levels and secure a ticket to university in order to get started on that well worn road to 'success'. On the other hand, the other half of me wants to pursue my dreams my own way, even if it means breaking off from the norm, to hell with the consequences. And there you have me in the middle, being torn in two different directions, and end up not moving at all while being systematically stripped off my fundamental parts, bit by bit. Haha.
Ignoring my personal circumstance though, I feel that China seems to be going down the same road as Singapore. Or trying to. I suspect Mao Zedong's visit to Singapore in the 1980s must have impressed him enough to indoctrinate that approach into his country, and subsequently followed by his successors. Of course, since China is such a large country, they're having a bit more trouble trying to balance that approach. One of the advantages of being as small as Singapore is that everything is so much easier to regulate.
If you aren't convinced by this aspect of my argument, just take a look at China now. Capitalism is on the rise there, despite the fact that they still have a communist government. I believe that in Newsweek, one of the articles even mentioned China's 'pragmatic capitalistic approach'. Now, haven't I mentioned something to that effect earlier in my argyment regarding to Singapore?
You see, the thing with China is that in a pure communist system, there are no values, no religion holding the country together. Except maybe nationalism, but that's about it. In many respects, it seems infected with nihilist principles. Of course, China is no longer pure-communist, since they have now embraced a capitalistic economy in order to revitalise the stagnant command economy system.
In the breakdown of traditional family and social values espoused by 5000 years of Chinese history during the early communist reign, they had nothing to cling to but nationalism. When China started opening up though, they had something new to cling to: avarice. Sound familiar yet?
Of course, China being as large and populous as it is, the urban population benefits first while the rural people lag far behind. The young urban elite now embrace capitalism fervently; money makes the world go round indeed.
But despite opening up to foreign influences, the communist government in China, despite predictions of the West, did not topple. The one thing about the West is that they can be awfully naive at times. They seem to believe that democracy is the ONLY way. But it isn't. Democracy as a system is awfully instable, because people, given a choice, are awfully fickle. As a nation, people can have extremely short memories, and stupidity seems to infect masses of people more insidiously than it does to a single individual. That's a little something Nietzsche agrees with by the way.
But you see, in China, they practice something known as controlled opening up. They don't throw open their doors and allow all foreign influences to bombard their people. They select certain things and ban the rest. In effect, they allow their people a little leeway in economic matters, but clamp down firmly on anything else that challenges their authority. That's why China succeeds where the USSR failed. Because China was more pragmatic about their economic development, which ensured a semi-stable base to work on, and with economic clout, it is easier to screen what kind of influences can reach the masses and to ban those that are subversive (to them anyway). How do you think the government got the search engine companines like Yahoo and Microsoft to censor certain information for them anyway? Money naturally. There's a lot of economic potential in China, and to reach it, those companies have to comply with the government's demands. That's the ingenuity of the CCP, first they create economic development, then use the results to strengthen their hold on the nation. Pragmatic capitalism, socialist style, at its best.
I'm not saying its a good thing. But I'm not saying its a bad thing either. It's effective, that's the only thing I can say. It's good that China is opening up and getting richer in the process, but its not so good that their government still retains so much control over civil rights and the like. But is the whole thing a net benefit or a net loss? That, I'm afraid, is a question that I don't have a answer to. Time will tell I guess.
Wow. I spent about 2 hours doing socioeconomic and political discussion. That is just so me. I can't focus on my studies, but give me something like philosophy and current affairs and I'll be happier than a fish in the ocean. It's just the way my mind works I'm afraid.
I wonder what my teachers will think, if they look at this post? I have no idea. Maybe I should just show them. It would be so much easier.
Fools. That's all what we are. Hopeless fools, in a world speeding towards destruction.
I'm in for the ride. Aren't you?
Bring the popcorn, sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. That's all I can say.
Don't you think so too?
>>Edit: This has been sitting on my blog for a couple of days but I couldn't get it to publish earlier.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Re-read that little Rei/Minako ficcy titled Is It Real?.
And realised just how much I'm pulling a Minako. No, you don't have to get that. Just like how a watching Haruka sighs at how dense Minako is being, so I'm being incredibly moronic now.
It's painful, really. I can talk with Chengwei, Kanai, and Grace. But I can't talk with the rest. As in, really talk. Of course, you don't need that many people for heart-to-hearts. So that's alright, isn't it?
Wrong. There's one person I want to know. But I can't seem to get past the superficial? Why? Why me? What is wrong with me?
Grace will know exactly what I mean. After all, that 3 hour talkathon helped. Of course, I didn't spend the whole 3 hours talking. She got to talk, I got to talk. So it's kinda split evenly. Haha.
Anyway, it's like I can't get past that facade. I want to, but can't. With most people I can at least read them slightly. But I can't, not with that person.
A good quote from that fic:
I just want to hate her for making me want to know her. I just want to hate her because I don’t know her. I just want to hate her because I can’t see her. I want to hate her because I’m scared. I’m scared that no one will ever see me like they will never see her.
I just want to hate that person. But I can't. Hating is so much easier. But I can't do it this time.
Although in this case, the last line of that quote doesn't apply. Thank god. I'm not that insecure...yet. I hope.
Why is it so hard? It's never been so hard.
Grace said that she trusts me. When I heard it, I was stunned. Really, truly stunned. She trusted me enough to tell me some of the things she kept buried inside her heart from just about everybody. I felt very privileged...and at the same time, deeply touched.
That someone could see some good in me. Enough to entrust secrets to me. I felt special, for once. And deeply honored. It's not everyday that somebody decides to put real faith in you.
Speaking with Kanai on MSN now. Here's another person who trusts me. At least that's what I hope.
With her, I realise how similar we are, and how different we are at the same time. It's a subtle thing. I'm only beginning to piece together the differences.
While she clings on to her memories of her mother, I try to bolt mine away in a secure vault and not look at them. For her, the memories are comforting, even though it aches. For me, remembering just opens a wider void in my heart. I can't take that, not anymore. So I repress.
She remembers all the little details about her mother. I can barely remember mine. I can't even remember the sound of her voice. Her face is just a blurred image. I can only faintly remember arms hugging me...being warm and safe. Almost.
And then in a flash of an eye, it's gone. Poof. Just like that. And I'm back to the present. The cold, cruel reality. And I feel emptier than before.
That's why I don't want to remember. I want to, but I'm afraid. Remembering hurts. I want to forget. But I don't want to, because every moment is so very precious to me.
Seeing others with their parents hurt. Almost. I've learnt to block those feelings. After a while you just get numb. But once in a while, I see a mother with her daughter, and my heart tugs painfully.
Could have been me. Could have been us. I needed my mother. Why did she have to leave?
Too late. It's all gone. They can't come back, those times. It can never be the same.
Kanai is right. The others won't understand. We can't move on just because some self-righteous fool says so. What do they know? Try losing a mother who really loved you, and whom you adored...who was the absolute center and meaning of your life. The two of us know how it feels like. It's not so easy. It's never easy.
I can see some smug people being all uppity now and turning their noses away in self-absorbed superiority, thinking that we're just being big babies who cry for their mothers. Well, take that and shove it up your nose. I'm stronger, and tougher than you are. I can take anything you throw at me. Clip me in the chin and I'll give you a bloody nose in return. You want to fight me? I'll kill you. I will.
Try me.
Something about me is rather vicious. When it comes to the travails of life, I'm no stranger to it. I can be nice and fluffy and even moderately compassionate. But I can also fight like a wolf, snapping and biting. I can and I will, because I had to. And I won't hesitate to tear out your throat like a ferocious alpha defending territory.
That's the last redeeming quality about me. Loyalty. I'm unflinchingly loyal to those I consider to be my close friends. Even though now my little voices are telling me that that's not true, that I'm a selfish bitch that would run away and leave my friends to die should the situation arise. I'm not sure anymore. I would fight to death, simply because I have no hold on my life.
But isn't there a saying that those who fight to live are the strongest? Fighting to die is a sure way to defeat.
And I guess that just about sums up the story of my life.
]
And realised just how much I'm pulling a Minako. No, you don't have to get that. Just like how a watching Haruka sighs at how dense Minako is being, so I'm being incredibly moronic now.
It's painful, really. I can talk with Chengwei, Kanai, and Grace. But I can't talk with the rest. As in, really talk. Of course, you don't need that many people for heart-to-hearts. So that's alright, isn't it?
Wrong. There's one person I want to know. But I can't seem to get past the superficial? Why? Why me? What is wrong with me?
Grace will know exactly what I mean. After all, that 3 hour talkathon helped. Of course, I didn't spend the whole 3 hours talking. She got to talk, I got to talk. So it's kinda split evenly. Haha.
Anyway, it's like I can't get past that facade. I want to, but can't. With most people I can at least read them slightly. But I can't, not with that person.
A good quote from that fic:
I just want to hate her for making me want to know her. I just want to hate her because I don’t know her. I just want to hate her because I can’t see her. I want to hate her because I’m scared. I’m scared that no one will ever see me like they will never see her.
I just want to hate that person. But I can't. Hating is so much easier. But I can't do it this time.
Although in this case, the last line of that quote doesn't apply. Thank god. I'm not that insecure...yet. I hope.
Why is it so hard? It's never been so hard.
Grace said that she trusts me. When I heard it, I was stunned. Really, truly stunned. She trusted me enough to tell me some of the things she kept buried inside her heart from just about everybody. I felt very privileged...and at the same time, deeply touched.
That someone could see some good in me. Enough to entrust secrets to me. I felt special, for once. And deeply honored. It's not everyday that somebody decides to put real faith in you.
Speaking with Kanai on MSN now. Here's another person who trusts me. At least that's what I hope.
With her, I realise how similar we are, and how different we are at the same time. It's a subtle thing. I'm only beginning to piece together the differences.
While she clings on to her memories of her mother, I try to bolt mine away in a secure vault and not look at them. For her, the memories are comforting, even though it aches. For me, remembering just opens a wider void in my heart. I can't take that, not anymore. So I repress.
She remembers all the little details about her mother. I can barely remember mine. I can't even remember the sound of her voice. Her face is just a blurred image. I can only faintly remember arms hugging me...being warm and safe. Almost.
And then in a flash of an eye, it's gone. Poof. Just like that. And I'm back to the present. The cold, cruel reality. And I feel emptier than before.
That's why I don't want to remember. I want to, but I'm afraid. Remembering hurts. I want to forget. But I don't want to, because every moment is so very precious to me.
Seeing others with their parents hurt. Almost. I've learnt to block those feelings. After a while you just get numb. But once in a while, I see a mother with her daughter, and my heart tugs painfully.
Could have been me. Could have been us. I needed my mother. Why did she have to leave?
Too late. It's all gone. They can't come back, those times. It can never be the same.
Kanai is right. The others won't understand. We can't move on just because some self-righteous fool says so. What do they know? Try losing a mother who really loved you, and whom you adored...who was the absolute center and meaning of your life. The two of us know how it feels like. It's not so easy. It's never easy.
I can see some smug people being all uppity now and turning their noses away in self-absorbed superiority, thinking that we're just being big babies who cry for their mothers. Well, take that and shove it up your nose. I'm stronger, and tougher than you are. I can take anything you throw at me. Clip me in the chin and I'll give you a bloody nose in return. You want to fight me? I'll kill you. I will.
Try me.
Something about me is rather vicious. When it comes to the travails of life, I'm no stranger to it. I can be nice and fluffy and even moderately compassionate. But I can also fight like a wolf, snapping and biting. I can and I will, because I had to. And I won't hesitate to tear out your throat like a ferocious alpha defending territory.
That's the last redeeming quality about me. Loyalty. I'm unflinchingly loyal to those I consider to be my close friends. Even though now my little voices are telling me that that's not true, that I'm a selfish bitch that would run away and leave my friends to die should the situation arise. I'm not sure anymore. I would fight to death, simply because I have no hold on my life.
But isn't there a saying that those who fight to live are the strongest? Fighting to die is a sure way to defeat.
And I guess that just about sums up the story of my life.
Am going to pull a Chengwei stunt here and blab out deeply emotional mushy crap...with the identity of the recipient mercifully unknown. Well, to most people anyway. Just like old Chengwei knows that when he was going all "ahh my feelings are not reciprocated!!" on his blog, but most readers don't know who's the oblivious person. I do though, and I'm sure a couple more people know too. Oh well, here's my own.
I like you, I really do.
Is it just as friends, or is it more?
Sometimes I think I could love you, but I doubt.
Is it sympathy or do I really care for you?
I can't love anyone properly, because I don't love myself.
I don't deserve you, because I can't love you the way you deserve to be loved.
Sometimes I stand and wonder, how do you feel about me?
But I know I'll always be a friend. Always just there.
And it hurts, but it's alright.
As long as you are happy and alive somewhere, it's ok.
It's not love, I tell myself. I don't love you.
So I let you go, because I can't love you as much as you should be loved.
And sometimes it feels like I can never love again.
Meh. WMP is evil. Playing 再一次拥有 at this time. It has a perverse sense of humour, I tell you.
Btw, just ignore the above. I wrote it to get a drip on one of characs anyway. Poor old Raven. Or is it Rayne? Who knows? They are one and the same.
]
I like you, I really do.
Is it just as friends, or is it more?
Sometimes I think I could love you, but I doubt.
Is it sympathy or do I really care for you?
I can't love anyone properly, because I don't love myself.
I don't deserve you, because I can't love you the way you deserve to be loved.
Sometimes I stand and wonder, how do you feel about me?
But I know I'll always be a friend. Always just there.
And it hurts, but it's alright.
As long as you are happy and alive somewhere, it's ok.
It's not love, I tell myself. I don't love you.
So I let you go, because I can't love you as much as you should be loved.
And sometimes it feels like I can never love again.
Meh. WMP is evil. Playing 再一次拥有 at this time. It has a perverse sense of humour, I tell you.
Btw, just ignore the above. I wrote it to get a drip on one of characs anyway. Poor old Raven. Or is it Rayne? Who knows? They are one and the same.
I desperately need fluff in my life.
It's just one of those days.
I think the time of the month is coming. I've been rather waspish today. It's a sure sign of hormonal imbalance. Really. I'm not just using it as an excuse.
You know, when I read other people's blogs (well, the few that I read anyway), they mention school, friends, gossip, stuff like that. I went through mine and saw a lot of nonsense.
I mean, look at the kind of stuff that permeats my sad excuse of a blog.
1) BoA rants
2) PGSM/BSSM/random anime rants
3) Fav pairing rants
4) Angsty material
5) Debating controversial topics
6) Being cryptic
I rarely mention school. I rarely mention gossip. I rarely talk about what's hot in life.
I love talking about me. I love talking about BoA. I love talking about my obsessions (which equals me and BoA generally XP).
I mean, there's a certain similarity to the kind of blogs that teenage JC students have. It's as if they follow a kind of template on 'what to blog about'. Honestly, there really isn't much to read, unless I'm just trying to keep track of a friend (like Jing).
The only blogs I actually like reading are Grace's (when she finally posts) and Chengwei's. Largely because Grace can be really funny with her fluff (and really angsty when she wants to be), and Chengwei is just Chengwei. You don't have to understand what I just said.
Why can't I blog about something normal for once? Grace mentioned that the only time she has seen me blog something normal was the one on my birthday. Haha.
Aw well. Can't help it. I like blogging differently. So what? It's a place to show off. Muahahahaha. I'm a closet exhibitionist. ^__~
Neways, going off now.
]
It's just one of those days.
I think the time of the month is coming. I've been rather waspish today. It's a sure sign of hormonal imbalance. Really. I'm not just using it as an excuse.
You know, when I read other people's blogs (well, the few that I read anyway), they mention school, friends, gossip, stuff like that. I went through mine and saw a lot of nonsense.
I mean, look at the kind of stuff that permeats my sad excuse of a blog.
1) BoA rants
2) PGSM/BSSM/random anime rants
3) Fav pairing rants
4) Angsty material
5) Debating controversial topics
6) Being cryptic
I rarely mention school. I rarely mention gossip. I rarely talk about what's hot in life.
I love talking about me. I love talking about BoA. I love talking about my obsessions (which equals me and BoA generally XP).
I mean, there's a certain similarity to the kind of blogs that teenage JC students have. It's as if they follow a kind of template on 'what to blog about'. Honestly, there really isn't much to read, unless I'm just trying to keep track of a friend (like Jing).
The only blogs I actually like reading are Grace's (when she finally posts) and Chengwei's. Largely because Grace can be really funny with her fluff (and really angsty when she wants to be), and Chengwei is just Chengwei. You don't have to understand what I just said.
Why can't I blog about something normal for once? Grace mentioned that the only time she has seen me blog something normal was the one on my birthday. Haha.
Aw well. Can't help it. I like blogging differently. So what? It's a place to show off. Muahahahaha. I'm a closet exhibitionist. ^__~
Neways, going off now.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
I like being sad.
It's morbid, but its true. Being sad is fun...kinda.
Probably because I'm just so bloody used to it. Damn.
I have a sudden urge to finish writing that old (and I mean really old) fic of mine. The vampire one. But then again when you get right down to it, the main premise of that story was cliched and well, not very good. Oh well.
Feeling restless again. I was terribly hungry earlier, and had to resort to raiding the fridge several times. I feel better now, but now I'm just restless. Ugh.
*bangs head against table* What is wrong with me??
"That's enough, rest now."
I'm cold.
"Don't do it anymore. You can stop now."
Where am I?
"Sleep now. It's safe."
Who are you?
"Rest. You have had more than enough."
I don't know.
"It's alright. Everything's alright now."
I don't know anything.
"You can close your eyes."
Don't leave.
"We'll be by your side."
I don't want to be alone.
"Sleep, little one. We'll protect you."
Protect...?
You know, while typing the above, I kept thinking of the japanese equivalent. Too much anime-watching. I think I blame Sailor Moon for teaching me that 'mamoru' means 'to protect'. Or something along those lines.
First line came from Scrapped Princess. I can't get that line and that scene out of my head. Those sad eyes, whispering those words. "That's enough."
Second line is a regular fixture from my Lala Land. Heh.
The third was an extension of the first.
Fourth, another fixture.
Fifth, recycled from random shows.
Sixth, ringing in my head with Dizzy's voice.
Seventh, it just seemed right.
Eighth, another anime staple I stole.
Ninth, I can see them saying it. In some anime.
Tenth, so very helpless yes?
Eleventh, it felt so very right.
Twelvth, back for another round.
Thirteenth, old and cliched. Still good though.
Fourteenth, possibly the most reused line ever.
Fifteenth, is it me, or I can see wings?
Sixteenth, I just saw Usagi/Sawai Miyuu for some reason. No, it probably doesn't make sense to most people.
If anyone made sense of the above, you are a genius. Either that or you've been reading my mind. Especially towards the end. The beginning was still ok, as was the middle. But the last few lines were directly from images from my sometimes crazy head.
No, I don't want to explain any further. Now go away and leave me alone already.
]
It's morbid, but its true. Being sad is fun...kinda.
Probably because I'm just so bloody used to it. Damn.
I have a sudden urge to finish writing that old (and I mean really old) fic of mine. The vampire one. But then again when you get right down to it, the main premise of that story was cliched and well, not very good. Oh well.
Feeling restless again. I was terribly hungry earlier, and had to resort to raiding the fridge several times. I feel better now, but now I'm just restless. Ugh.
*bangs head against table* What is wrong with me??
"That's enough, rest now."
I'm cold.
"Don't do it anymore. You can stop now."
Where am I?
"Sleep now. It's safe."
Who are you?
"Rest. You have had more than enough."
I don't know.
"It's alright. Everything's alright now."
I don't know anything.
"You can close your eyes."
Don't leave.
"We'll be by your side."
I don't want to be alone.
"Sleep, little one. We'll protect you."
Protect...?
You know, while typing the above, I kept thinking of the japanese equivalent. Too much anime-watching. I think I blame Sailor Moon for teaching me that 'mamoru' means 'to protect'. Or something along those lines.
First line came from Scrapped Princess. I can't get that line and that scene out of my head. Those sad eyes, whispering those words. "That's enough."
Second line is a regular fixture from my Lala Land. Heh.
The third was an extension of the first.
Fourth, another fixture.
Fifth, recycled from random shows.
Sixth, ringing in my head with Dizzy's voice.
Seventh, it just seemed right.
Eighth, another anime staple I stole.
Ninth, I can see them saying it. In some anime.
Tenth, so very helpless yes?
Eleventh, it felt so very right.
Twelvth, back for another round.
Thirteenth, old and cliched. Still good though.
Fourteenth, possibly the most reused line ever.
Fifteenth, is it me, or I can see wings?
Sixteenth, I just saw Usagi/Sawai Miyuu for some reason. No, it probably doesn't make sense to most people.
If anyone made sense of the above, you are a genius. Either that or you've been reading my mind. Especially towards the end. The beginning was still ok, as was the middle. But the last few lines were directly from images from my sometimes crazy head.
No, I don't want to explain any further. Now go away and leave me alone already.
Friday, April 21, 2006
Re-reading that great Minako/Rei fic, Echoes of a Distant Demon. It's one of the best PGSM timeline stories I've read so far. XD
Granted, there's a lot of angst, but at least there are signs of possible moving past that. Both Minako and Rei deserve to be whacked on occasion in that fic. Both of them are so stubborn. Sigh.
Love the quotes there though. Guess I'm a sucker for angsty love affairs. Haiz.
Of coruse, fluff is good too. In that fic, that comes in the form of flashbacks. You gotta love the Silver Millenium sometimes. XD
"I love you, Reiko,” she whispered, afraid to speak louder and break the shell of this quiet space.
"No more than I love you back,” her partner replied, a teasing petulance in her tone as she had gazed into her eyes. Touching their foreheads together she had continued with a soft smile, the low alto of that voice sending shivers down her spine. "I will always love you..."
"...my Mina..."
Sob. So sweet. Or maybe I'm being overemotional again. Sigh.
"She did it because she loves you," he said simply.
"That's not true, Artemis!" she blurted out angrily. "Reiko loved me! She loved me, and I watched her die because of it! But this girl? This girl doesn't even like me! This girl..."
"Is still as much your Reiko as you are still eternally her Mina."
*bursts into tears* That last line...wahhhhhhh!!!!! *buries face in hands* How does the author do that? Gah!!!!
'You can't have her... I won't let you!' she'd seethed as she pounded down the sidewalk, the stadium drawing ever closer. 'How dare you try to take her away... to touch her... to harm her... she belongs to me!'
Rei! Moron! Gah. Btw, I like the whole possessive tone with "she belongs to me!". *cough*
Ok last quote before I really have to go.
Smiling, despite her pain, Rei pressed a reassuring kiss against the top of her lover's head. "I'll always come home with you, Mina," she said. "Sometimes, it may take me a bit longer to get there than you may like," she added with a gentle smile, "but, I promise you... wherever you are is my home, and at the end of all my days, I will be with you.
Always."
*cries* How can you NOT be moved by that? Or maybe I'm just getting hormonal again. I need a life. Sigh.
]
Granted, there's a lot of angst, but at least there are signs of possible moving past that. Both Minako and Rei deserve to be whacked on occasion in that fic. Both of them are so stubborn. Sigh.
Love the quotes there though. Guess I'm a sucker for angsty love affairs. Haiz.
Of coruse, fluff is good too. In that fic, that comes in the form of flashbacks. You gotta love the Silver Millenium sometimes. XD
"I love you, Reiko,” she whispered, afraid to speak louder and break the shell of this quiet space.
"No more than I love you back,” her partner replied, a teasing petulance in her tone as she had gazed into her eyes. Touching their foreheads together she had continued with a soft smile, the low alto of that voice sending shivers down her spine. "I will always love you..."
"...my Mina..."
Sob. So sweet. Or maybe I'm being overemotional again. Sigh.
"She did it because she loves you," he said simply.
"That's not true, Artemis!" she blurted out angrily. "Reiko loved me! She loved me, and I watched her die because of it! But this girl? This girl doesn't even like me! This girl..."
"Is still as much your Reiko as you are still eternally her Mina."
*bursts into tears* That last line...wahhhhhhh!!!!! *buries face in hands* How does the author do that? Gah!!!!
'You can't have her... I won't let you!' she'd seethed as she pounded down the sidewalk, the stadium drawing ever closer. 'How dare you try to take her away... to touch her... to harm her... she belongs to me!'
Rei! Moron! Gah. Btw, I like the whole possessive tone with "she belongs to me!". *cough*
Ok last quote before I really have to go.
Smiling, despite her pain, Rei pressed a reassuring kiss against the top of her lover's head. "I'll always come home with you, Mina," she said. "Sometimes, it may take me a bit longer to get there than you may like," she added with a gentle smile, "but, I promise you... wherever you are is my home, and at the end of all my days, I will be with you.
Always."
*cries* How can you NOT be moved by that? Or maybe I'm just getting hormonal again. I need a life. Sigh.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
My life would be a whole lot funnier if more people took time to look at it.
I just thought of that line randomly.
Oh ya, I've been writing random drabbles. Two of them were set in my original story, but I'm not putting those up because they are meant for characterisation purposes. They turned out pretty well too, if I do say so myself.
The one that I'm tempted to put up is one from WHR, in Robin's perspective. The inspiration came from episode 26 of the anime, where Robin's true identity and purpose is revealed, and also that very sad scene where she hears the imprisoned witches crying from the tanks. I wonder how it feels like for her to be the martyr, the one who carries all the sins and hopes of her people.
There are obvious biblical allusions in the anime. It just gets stronger towards the end, especially in episode 25 where Juliano comes to speak with Robin at STN-J headquarters, and the wide windows behind them bear patterns that look suspiciously like a crucifix. You have to watch it understand what I mean.
And the best (and worst) part is that Juliano is talking to Robin about how her existence should not have been allowed, that she bears the Original Sin etc etc. *cough* Then you jutaxpose the content of the conversation with the very ostentatious symbol on the window behind them. I mean, hello, obvious reference to Jesus with the cross thing, and the whole rambling about how the sins of the witches are bornt by Robin? *coughCOUGH*
And, like so many reviewers said, its hard to shake off the visual allusion to a cross that Robin's hairstyle evokes. She's the perfect witch, created to be that way. The Eve of witches, created to give them hope for their future, as she alone can carry their bloodline for sure. She's, unfortunately, also persecuted for all that she symbolises by normal humans, who despise witches. Hunted by the organisation she once worked for, simply because her existence is a threat to human supremacy.
Interesting, isn't it?
Of course, more biblical allusions are in the form of Robin's mother's name: Maria. Ring any bells yet? Oh and let's not forget what the inquistor said to Robin in one of the episodes, about her rune and how she bears the forbidden fruit of knowledge. *coughCOUGH*
Ok enough about WHR. I have this strange new character I just developed in the WHR universe. Yeah, I tend to do that. You know, invent new characters in different universes just for the heck of it. I have one in the GGXX timeline too. I think these are the two active characters I have in my head so far.
The WHR charac I invented is a guy (for once, lol) and is a Craft User (duh). Ice Craft, element water. Wolf familiar Fenrir. Blond hair, blue eyes, typically aristocratic air. Is about 7 years older than Robin, friends with her as well. I might write a fanfic for WHR, but I'm lazy, and besides, I don't have enough knowledge of the occult. Lol. I would have to delve into ancient runes and other witchcrafty things in order to write something convincing. You didn't think I would just dive headfirst into something without any prior background knowledge of the subject matter, did you?
My GGXX character is primarily a 2nd generation of the current GG crew. Parents are Sol and Millia. Yeah I know I'm weird, but so what, I like the pairing. Besides, I think its funny to see how a kid with parentage like that would turn out.
Actually I was wondering what might happen if I paired Millia with Ky. Definitely a blonde kid. Haha. And I think Millia's actually older than Ky, if I'm not wrong? *needs to doublecheck*
Of course, no one's older than Sol. Except possibly Slayer. The guy's a bloody vampire, for goodness sake. And his wife Sharon is just creepy. Lol.
Anyway, my charac has Sol and Millia as parents, so that makes her half-Gear, like Dizzy. The only two 2nd generation halfbreeds. XD Although I wonder whatever happened to Soluna, the other GEAR that's living a normal civilian life under supervision.
I just have this image of a chibi-Sol clinging on to Daddy Sol's leg and trying to touch Fueneken. Haha. And Millia getting overprotective over her kid, and her hair goes into overdrive trying to keep chibi-Sol out of trouble. Halfbreeds grow fast, if Dizzy is any indication. ;)
Oh and I keep getting random scene ideas where chibi-Sol steals Daddy Sol's Fueneken just for the heck of it. And also Uncle Ky's Furaiken. Haha. I can just so picture a pint sized miniature version of Sol sneaking around trying to play with her elders' weapons. Lol.
Oh, and I can't leave out the one where chibi-Sol bugs Testament to hell and back...until the older GEAR snaps and chases after the little one with scythe in hand. Until the parents, and Dizzy, step in to intervene. Lol.
And who can forget the one where my character, a little bit older now (and much MUCH more devious XD), continues to torment poor old Testament. Like stealing his scythe and hiding it. Or putting boldly pink ribbons into his hair. Or painting all his nails bright purple. And running behind Dizzy to hide whenever Testament discovers his current...predicament. ;)
And I can see Dizzy and my charac getting along really well, considering that they are the only two of their kind (halfbreeds) in the world. And I would like to add in a minor detail, that while Dizzy inherited her mother Justice's commander GEAR powers, my character is not a command-type as Sol apparently isn't one either. Instead, she inherits part of his demonic GEAR form and his fire innate powers as well. Oh, and I would wanna let her inherit Millia's GEAR-infused hair as well. XP That would be so cool.
On a side note, while I was using Dizzy in the game, I finally activated her Gamma Ray attack while playing one of the missions. It looks painful...but fun. XD And continuing this tangent, TRYING TO BEAT KY KISKE WITH DIZZY AT LESS THAN HALF HEALTH SUCKS. Not that it was that hard, but I had to rack up at least 2-hit combos for damage...again, not that hard when you're playing as Dizzy. It's the low life bar that's irritating...and the fact that Ky heals himself. Ugh.
Now I have this urge to go use Dizzy in the arcade mode. Or maybe Survival mode? But then again, most of my highest scores in survival mode come from using Millia. Haha. This coming from a person who started out not knowing how to use Millia at all. I guess I just like speedy characters that combo well. But problem is that if I try to be too fancy, I screw things up quickly in survival mode.
Basic rule in Survival mode: Don't think too much, just kill. XD Keep a bit of brain to adjust tactics against different opponents, but go for quick and simple. I tried being fancy and ended up dying. Sigh.
Anyway I need to go now. Night.
]
I just thought of that line randomly.
Oh ya, I've been writing random drabbles. Two of them were set in my original story, but I'm not putting those up because they are meant for characterisation purposes. They turned out pretty well too, if I do say so myself.
The one that I'm tempted to put up is one from WHR, in Robin's perspective. The inspiration came from episode 26 of the anime, where Robin's true identity and purpose is revealed, and also that very sad scene where she hears the imprisoned witches crying from the tanks. I wonder how it feels like for her to be the martyr, the one who carries all the sins and hopes of her people.
There are obvious biblical allusions in the anime. It just gets stronger towards the end, especially in episode 25 where Juliano comes to speak with Robin at STN-J headquarters, and the wide windows behind them bear patterns that look suspiciously like a crucifix. You have to watch it understand what I mean.
And the best (and worst) part is that Juliano is talking to Robin about how her existence should not have been allowed, that she bears the Original Sin etc etc. *cough* Then you jutaxpose the content of the conversation with the very ostentatious symbol on the window behind them. I mean, hello, obvious reference to Jesus with the cross thing, and the whole rambling about how the sins of the witches are bornt by Robin? *coughCOUGH*
And, like so many reviewers said, its hard to shake off the visual allusion to a cross that Robin's hairstyle evokes. She's the perfect witch, created to be that way. The Eve of witches, created to give them hope for their future, as she alone can carry their bloodline for sure. She's, unfortunately, also persecuted for all that she symbolises by normal humans, who despise witches. Hunted by the organisation she once worked for, simply because her existence is a threat to human supremacy.
Interesting, isn't it?
Of course, more biblical allusions are in the form of Robin's mother's name: Maria. Ring any bells yet? Oh and let's not forget what the inquistor said to Robin in one of the episodes, about her rune and how she bears the forbidden fruit of knowledge. *coughCOUGH*
Ok enough about WHR. I have this strange new character I just developed in the WHR universe. Yeah, I tend to do that. You know, invent new characters in different universes just for the heck of it. I have one in the GGXX timeline too. I think these are the two active characters I have in my head so far.
The WHR charac I invented is a guy (for once, lol) and is a Craft User (duh). Ice Craft, element water. Wolf familiar Fenrir. Blond hair, blue eyes, typically aristocratic air. Is about 7 years older than Robin, friends with her as well. I might write a fanfic for WHR, but I'm lazy, and besides, I don't have enough knowledge of the occult. Lol. I would have to delve into ancient runes and other witchcrafty things in order to write something convincing. You didn't think I would just dive headfirst into something without any prior background knowledge of the subject matter, did you?
My GGXX character is primarily a 2nd generation of the current GG crew. Parents are Sol and Millia. Yeah I know I'm weird, but so what, I like the pairing. Besides, I think its funny to see how a kid with parentage like that would turn out.
Actually I was wondering what might happen if I paired Millia with Ky. Definitely a blonde kid. Haha. And I think Millia's actually older than Ky, if I'm not wrong? *needs to doublecheck*
Of course, no one's older than Sol. Except possibly Slayer. The guy's a bloody vampire, for goodness sake. And his wife Sharon is just creepy. Lol.
Anyway, my charac has Sol and Millia as parents, so that makes her half-Gear, like Dizzy. The only two 2nd generation halfbreeds. XD Although I wonder whatever happened to Soluna, the other GEAR that's living a normal civilian life under supervision.
I just have this image of a chibi-Sol clinging on to Daddy Sol's leg and trying to touch Fueneken. Haha. And Millia getting overprotective over her kid, and her hair goes into overdrive trying to keep chibi-Sol out of trouble. Halfbreeds grow fast, if Dizzy is any indication. ;)
Oh and I keep getting random scene ideas where chibi-Sol steals Daddy Sol's Fueneken just for the heck of it. And also Uncle Ky's Furaiken. Haha. I can just so picture a pint sized miniature version of Sol sneaking around trying to play with her elders' weapons. Lol.
Oh, and I can't leave out the one where chibi-Sol bugs Testament to hell and back...until the older GEAR snaps and chases after the little one with scythe in hand. Until the parents, and Dizzy, step in to intervene. Lol.
And who can forget the one where my character, a little bit older now (and much MUCH more devious XD), continues to torment poor old Testament. Like stealing his scythe and hiding it. Or putting boldly pink ribbons into his hair. Or painting all his nails bright purple. And running behind Dizzy to hide whenever Testament discovers his current...predicament. ;)
And I can see Dizzy and my charac getting along really well, considering that they are the only two of their kind (halfbreeds) in the world. And I would like to add in a minor detail, that while Dizzy inherited her mother Justice's commander GEAR powers, my character is not a command-type as Sol apparently isn't one either. Instead, she inherits part of his demonic GEAR form and his fire innate powers as well. Oh, and I would wanna let her inherit Millia's GEAR-infused hair as well. XP That would be so cool.
On a side note, while I was using Dizzy in the game, I finally activated her Gamma Ray attack while playing one of the missions. It looks painful...but fun. XD And continuing this tangent, TRYING TO BEAT KY KISKE WITH DIZZY AT LESS THAN HALF HEALTH SUCKS. Not that it was that hard, but I had to rack up at least 2-hit combos for damage...again, not that hard when you're playing as Dizzy. It's the low life bar that's irritating...and the fact that Ky heals himself. Ugh.
Now I have this urge to go use Dizzy in the arcade mode. Or maybe Survival mode? But then again, most of my highest scores in survival mode come from using Millia. Haha. This coming from a person who started out not knowing how to use Millia at all. I guess I just like speedy characters that combo well. But problem is that if I try to be too fancy, I screw things up quickly in survival mode.
Basic rule in Survival mode: Don't think too much, just kill. XD Keep a bit of brain to adjust tactics against different opponents, but go for quick and simple. I tried being fancy and ended up dying. Sigh.
Anyway I need to go now. Night.
Monday, April 17, 2006
Relooking my new post at my other blog, I must say I have improved a lot from a year or so ago.
My fatal weakness used to be that I couldn't describe things well. Or mostly, because I tended to forget about describing things because I was so concerned with the rest of the story.
Now, I guess, I've been trying to imagine what's going on as I type in my head, like a movie playing out, with me as the director. It helps, although sometimes its hard not to get sucked into the vortex of emotions the scenes I envision tend to cause. Angsting has never been a very clever way to spend any amount of time.
Been watching Witch Hunter Robin. I like Robin a lot, the whole uber-witch aspect is cool. Plus she has pyrokinetic powers, how cool is that? Or hot, considering she sets things on fire. XD
Plus, WHR has great opening and ending sequences. I've mentioned a few times before that I really liked the OP and ED songs, but taking a closer look at the animation of the opening and ending scenes, I realise I really liked Robin. Especially the opening, where she seems to be trapped and trying to reach out to an unsuspecting Amon. Love the kind of scene there.
Then again, that's no surprise. I've always been attracted to hurt like a moth to a flame. It's an instinctive response of sorts, so much so that I do it automatically before I even realise it consciously. Of course, when I do realise it, I just allow myself a little smile before I dive headlong into it.
Remembering a conversation with Chengwei on Friday night. He always seems to find something to say about me that makes me realise something about myself, or just something that nobody else ever seems to notice or mention. Sometimes its just a passing remark, but I guess I take it to heart.
Anyway, he commented that I tended to gravitate towards social outcasts. Or they gravitate towards me. We even joked about it for a bit. But when I got home, and thought about it, he was right. He always seems to get it right somehow.
I've always been on the outside looking in, as I've mentioned so many times before that I'm sick of it. From my vantage point, its so much easier to see what's going on. Most of the time I just ignore the social dynamics of the others, partly because I'm uninterested, mostly because I know that I would never be part of that, so I rather not hurt myself by watching.
But I tend to see the others. The others who aren't really part of the social circles. Someone who's hanging back just a bit. Or is just there amongst the socialites, playing a part, but not really a part of them. I'm drawn to them, probably due to similarity in circumstances. I guess birds of the same feather do tend to flock together.
In primary school that wasn't so evident. But then again, my reputation as a genius pretty must isolated me from playground activities. I remember joining them on certain occasions in games of tag, but that was only because my best friend (well, ex best friend) was a 'top girl'. XP She was one of those queen bees in the female hierarchy in the school. Yeah, those kinds. And yeah, it starts really early, doesn't it? I guess pack instinct hasn't completely faded from our mentality, no matter how civilised we get. The need to establish a kind of hierarchy, however subtle (or not), is always within the human psyche.
Back to the point though. The whole genius thing in primary school was one thing. I had friends, probably because I was still open then. As a child, I remember my mother telling me to think first before I talk. Largely because I tended to blab off the first thing that came to mind. One of those classic cases of high IQ, low EQ. Hehe.
Of course, now I think too much, and end up not saying anything. Drastic turnaround eh?
I was isolated in primary school due to my intelligence, and mostly due to my lack of tact, now that I think about on hindsight. I can't remember any specific incidents, but I'm sure that my sense of superiority at being smarter than the rest must have shone through quite strongly. I was very arrogant I guess...must have been a brat on some level. Haha.
Of course, than my mom died, and things changed. Well, not in terms of my social circle. It kind of shrank, since people started walking on eggshells around me. I cannot possibly tell you how irritating that is. Kanai knows though. It's like everyone is treating you like you would break at a single touch. It's exasperating.
That might have contributed to my (ahem) lack of tact when it comes to the death of relatives. You see, when someone else I know loses a relative, I don't skirt around the issue as much as most people do. I mean, I try to be tactful (emphasis on try), but most of the time I just go on as if nothing happened. Now, I'm not sure if that works on other people, but I knew that I had wished for other people to behave normally around me in the period after my mother's death. I mean, there's only so much one can take of others around you wincing whenever someone's mouth slips and mentions anything that can be alluded to the word "mother".
Although I must admit, when I hear other people avidly discussing what they are going to do on Mother's Day, I tend to withdraw a little into my shell. Of course, I tend to laugh it off by cracking slightly irreverent jokes about what I could possibly do for my mother now that she's dead. But it still twinges a little, now that I can't actually do anything nice for mom anymore.
On to the matter at hand. In secondary school, I was MOST definitely a social misfit. Maybe I just didn't know how to act. Like I said, my primary school experience most definitely did not involve navigating social channels. Therefore I had little to no experience to deal with the kind of social politicking that went on in a girls' school. The female species are definitely to be feared in this particular arena. Who knew that establishing a social hierarchy could have been so hazardous? I'm almost beginning to sympathise with the male species for that continuing bafflement with female-kind. I'm a girl, and I'm confused. I guess that settles that issue. Although Grace would probably make a smart comment about how "uneducated" I am in the ways of being female. Not that I'm disputing that; she's absolutely right. I've absolutely no idea about being female at all sometimes. I might have a female body, but my mind is hopelessly (and blissfully) unaware of certain subtleties that I should have been aware of. Oh well, it says a lot about my lack of a female role model in my upbringing.
I guess though, it was there in nygh that I started actively gravitating to the "outsiders". Or at least, people outside my immediate social circle...or at least, the people who are outside of the social circle that I'm hovering outside of... I'm not making any sense, am I? Never mind.
Anyway, I guess its a matter of seeking companionship with people who are less interested in trying to backstab you. And making friends with people who don't associate with you on a daily basis (ie. my classmates) means that they don't get to see you screw up, and thus have a more favorable opinion of you.
Yeah that's awfully escapist, and I know it. Running away from problems probably isn't the best way to do things, but I can't really think of anything else. I'm a bit too chicken to stay and face it. Haha.
Then the transfer to qss. I was given a chance to enter the social circle there. I mean, the fact that I came from nygh gave me instant celebrity. I could have been a popular kid...all I had to do was join that circle and be as superficial as them. Chengwei would know what that meant. So would Grace. Heck, Kanai would know too. The three of them always get what I'm saying here.
But I didn't, and went with Wanjing and Qianling instead. Not that they are social outcasts per se, far from it. But they weren't technically in the 'middle of things', so to speak. It was just a quiet, comfortable circle, something that didn't push me out of my comfort zone.
Although I was sure that initially, Jing thought that I would have joined the noisy social circle due to my proximity to Felicia. Haha. I can't remember if I ever asked her, but I think she was surprised that I didn't in the end. I can't even recall how I became friends with Jing at all...except for the fact that she was the one who led me to the class on my first day because the monitress wasn't there, and she being the vice-monitress, had to do the job. I've always wondered how things would have played out if the monitress HAD been there on my first day...I rather suspect things might have gone differently.
Enough of that though. I guess here would be a good time to discuss the outcast thing in qss...which Chengwei probably knows exactly who I'm going to bring up right now. Stop smirking damnit.
Yes, its Erika. Not trying to be mean or anything, and I'm serious about not being mean, Erika was never really part of any circle. She's close to Jamie, and she has some friends in Girl Guides, but she wasn't a part of any group really. To put it bluntly, she was outcast, and I can empathise with that somewhat. My time in nygh wasn't much better, so I'm in a position to know.
I'm not sure why we clicked. We were introduced by a mutual friend (jing), and started talking. I can't even remember what we talked about during those early days. But what I do remember was that she introduced me to the manga she was reading---> Saiyuki. ^__^
She was really nice to me, for reasons I'm not sure why either. I think even Jing was surprised...she said so to me once. So I was rather shocked once when Erika showed her more scathing side to someone else. That's when I realised that she was only nice to people whom she either feels comfortable with, or that she likes. That rule applied to people like me, Jamie, Ling, Audrey, and to a much smaller extent, Qianling. She's cordial with Qianling, but she was never close to her...that much I noticed.
What was it about me that she could have found that made her be comfortable talking with me. Maybe I was ready to listen to her. That could have influenced it somewhat. Thinking back, I think I'm the only one among her circle of friends that actually took any interest in listening to her babble about Saiyuki, and giggle along with her at the funny parts. The others never really got into the whole thing. I suspect that must have added a few points in my favour.
Diverting slightly from the main point, I've always been ready to listen. Of course, nowadays, I'm even more concerned about getting people to listen to me (doesn't always happen but what the heck anyway), but the thing that hasn't changed is that I still like to listen. Maybe I'm just being kaypoh, but on some level somewhere, I liked listening to other people. It lets me learn about them. Although I feel like I'm losing sight of that with the preoccupation with my own problems. I should try to be the good listener I started being even when I was in primary school.
Yes, even then. My then-best friend confided a lot in me. I always listened, and I never told anyone except for my mom, since at that time I wasn't really mature enough to handle other people's problems sensibly. Now that I'm actually somewhat mature enough to handle it, I'm more interested in myself than in others. I'm sort of ashamed about it even as I type this.
So, the whole outcast thing. I have no idea. With Erika, I was comfortable. We always had something to talk about. Even when we had nothing to talk about, it was ok. She would always find something to say, to the point that sometimes she would be monopolising the conversation. Not that I really minded, since I'm not exactly what you would call the most stimulating conversationalist. I'm skilled in babblese, but not in holding random conversations. *lol*
Some people might have been uncomfortable with Erika because of that though. Some people don't like being not in control of a situation. For me, I'm more of a socially passive person...although Grace can testify to my random trips into Babbledom that totally smashes the image of quiet Huimin. Haha.
I'm alright with Erika's sometimes bossiness. She never consciously realises that of course, and I realise that it must tick some people off without her realising it. Yes, Chengwei, I know that she might stumble onto this blog and read what I've been posting about her here. Am I worried that she would be upset with me for saying this about her? Yes, as a matter of fact, I am. Even now I'm still not sure about what I can safely say without pissing her off...but then again she's mellowed a lot, so she doesn't really go up in flames the way she used to back when we were just 15-16 years old.
What I need to say though, is that despite her flaws (we all have them, we're human), I still like her as a friend. She might irritate me sometimes, but everyone irritates everyone else at some point in time. Like the time I got on the wrong side of her at Christmas...I'm still terrified of that ever happening again. I don't want to lose a good friend, and yes Chengwei, despite your reservations about her, she IS a good friend. Flaws and all. But then again, I probably can be more irritating than most people if I really wanted to...flaws, you know. haha.
Erika says I'm her best friend...but truth to tell, I'm hesitant about conferring that title back on her on my part. There, I've finally said it.
For me, the title of "Best Friend" is very special. In modern times, that title of 'best friend' is now so carelessly used. One person can have 5 or 6 best friends at a time. For me, that isn't right somehow. Maybe I'm being old-school, but I believe that one should only have one real Best Friend. The rest can only be considered as good friends, or very good friends. The title of Best Friend should be special...or at least it is to me.
Yeah I'm being old fashioned here. So what?
But why am I not conferring that title onto Erika? She was the first, after all, to get really close to me, the 2nd being Grace. Kanai doesn't really count here, because despite how eerily well she can read me and how well I can click with her, she still isn't actually here with me. She's my best online friend, but I think you can only be real Best Friends if you can put up with each other in real life. Haha. So don't get offended k, konks? XD
*has a sudden brainwave* Gee, how about I call you kiwi? xP Just had a thought. ;)
Anyway, I still haven't actually put anybody in that Best Friend position deep in my heart. Grace comes close, but I wouldn't consider her in that position. She's a very good friend and occasional confidant, but somehow the Best Friend thing doesn't suit her very well...at least that's what it seems to me. No offense to you Gracie, just that something's not right somehow...probably because you like pink so much. :P
As for Erika...maybe its because there are so many things I can't tell her. That I'm not telling her. Even Grace knows more about my secrets than Erika does. So does Chengwei and Kanai, but then again those two probably know just about everything about me between the two of them. Well...almost.
So why am I not telling her? Probably because I'm unsure how she would react. Duh. I can trust the aforementioned 3 people not to judge me by what I reveal to them, but I'm not sure about Erika. If there's one person I can't read very well, its her. I mean, I know her responses when it comes to normal, everyday things (like the time I accurately predicted the exact words she would say after I told her something haha). But when it comes to the deeper stuff, I'm stumped. Totally and completely in the dark.
She's a very guarded person. Like myself, in a sense. Sometimes its scary how much I see myself (the 13 year old me) reflected in her during the times when she was depressed when we only 15 or 16. Now......she's changed. Maybe it was the year we spent apart in different schools. But she's different whenever I visited her. For the better though, so that's good.
Again, digressing slightly from the topic, I'm always rather protective about my friends. Probably because I have so few of them. I would gladly throw myself in harm's way to save them, if I truly consider that person to be a friend. Strange as the concept seems to me, I'm actually quite loyal when it comes to this kind of thing. Quite unlike that disgusting individual I make myself out to be at times. Selfish? Usually...although sometimes I do something totally out of character and be noble instead. Sigh.
That's what I feel about Erika though. Protective. Probably because at one point, I saw myself in her eyes, and that terrified me. I didn't want her to ruin her life the way I did. I didn't want a good friend to wreck their emotional and mental health the way I wrecked mine. I didn't want her to go through what I went through...that kind of trauma shouldn't be inflicted on anybody.
Did I feel pity for her at any point? No. I didn't allow myself to. There were times I verged on feeling that emotion, but I didn't allow myself to. I might not know that much about her, but I know enough to know that she wouldn't have appreciated pity. I know I wouldn't have either. I hated pity, and she would have felt the same.
I feel a bit guilty about revealing so much about her, or at least, my impression of her, here on this blog. It's almost like a betrayal of trust in a sense. But I needed to think it out, let it off my chest. And I think, it was time to let Chengwei know about this. I never really got round to telling him about my impression of Erika, probably because he never really allowed me to...and also because I never really pushed the issue. But I think you were being really unfair to her Chengwei. There's so much you don't know about her, and so much I don't know either. But all I want to say is that, you should rethink your impression of her. Maybe you didn't get to see the better side of her much, but she really isn't as cold as she appears to be at school sometimes.
You know, I'm really idealistic. I can see the good in other people, but somehow, I can never see the good in myself. It's odd. It's like, I want to give other people chances, but I'm never really willing to give myself a chance. It's like what Grace said, I don't love myself enough. I won't go so far to say that I hated myself (although I've felt that way occasionally), I definitely didn't love myself as much as I should.
It's odd really. Here I am pouring out what I think about my something-next-to-best-friend, after years of repressing everything I wanted to say about her.Maybe because I don't dare to discuss this kind of thing in person. It seems easier to type it out. I am a coward after all.
Now that Erika's over in Australia, I don't know what to think. I'm afraid she would change beyond recognition. But a part of me is ready to accept that. Chengwei mentioned in that conversation on Friday that I was able to let things go easily. Too easily I'm afraid.
Suddenly, being able to 拿得起 放得下 seems like a bane instead of a boon. I've always been too ready to give up on a friendship rather than work on maintaining it. It was so easy for me to cut loose...probably because I've always held something back. One part of me is always ready to run away. Run away and never look back.
It's a character flaw. Many times I would rather just drop the relationship instead of trying to make it work out. That's what makes being friends with me hard sometimes. Give me time and distance, and you would never reach me again...unless you managed to show me that you were still willing to be friends. That's provided that you can get me in one place long enough to explain it to me. Hehe.
Of course, I've changed a little from that. Now, I'm more willing to try and maintain a friendship. Probably because my current friends mean more to me than the old ones. Wanjing and Qianling are one of the better people I've met in my life, and I don't want to lose contact with them. Grace is one of the few that can penetrate my shell, so I don't really want to lose her as a friend as well. Chengwei too, and Kanai, fall into this category. I cherish them enough to not want to instinctively run away when things go wrong.
As for Erika...it's ambiguous. She's a very good friend, but of late, I'm beginning to wonder if our friendship is still the same. I haven't seen her much online, and now that she's not in Singapore, I can't just pop over to her house just to hang out like we used to. On one hand, I'm afraid of losing her as a friend, but on the other hand, I'm relieved that she's not here, as it gives me time to work out just exactly where I stand with her. Is she that Best Friend that I'm looking for? Or is that mysterious person still out there? Or somewhere nearby, just that I've never noticed?
You know, one day, I would really want to sit down with Erika and talk. As in, really talk with her. Instead of all that random, unimportant stuff we talk about usually. I want to know more about her. She's changed...and I need to know where and how. Call me a busybody, but that's just the way I am. Curiosity as gotten me into worse trouble before.
Damn. Now I need someone to talk to. As in, talk talk. Not just IM-ing. I'm beginning to understand what Chengwei means when he says he is a phone-and-face-to-face person. IM-ing just can't substitute real human contact. And I can just see Grace going "I told you so" at me right now. Sigh.
Ok, I gotta go to bed now. School tomorrow. I hope I don't get another crazy panic attack like today. It's like what happened back when I was 14. Sheer, undiluted terror. Being afraid of the sun. How I wished the night would last forever! Then I could hide.
Like I always did. Always have. Always will...?
]
My fatal weakness used to be that I couldn't describe things well. Or mostly, because I tended to forget about describing things because I was so concerned with the rest of the story.
Now, I guess, I've been trying to imagine what's going on as I type in my head, like a movie playing out, with me as the director. It helps, although sometimes its hard not to get sucked into the vortex of emotions the scenes I envision tend to cause. Angsting has never been a very clever way to spend any amount of time.
Been watching Witch Hunter Robin. I like Robin a lot, the whole uber-witch aspect is cool. Plus she has pyrokinetic powers, how cool is that? Or hot, considering she sets things on fire. XD
Plus, WHR has great opening and ending sequences. I've mentioned a few times before that I really liked the OP and ED songs, but taking a closer look at the animation of the opening and ending scenes, I realise I really liked Robin. Especially the opening, where she seems to be trapped and trying to reach out to an unsuspecting Amon. Love the kind of scene there.
Then again, that's no surprise. I've always been attracted to hurt like a moth to a flame. It's an instinctive response of sorts, so much so that I do it automatically before I even realise it consciously. Of course, when I do realise it, I just allow myself a little smile before I dive headlong into it.
Remembering a conversation with Chengwei on Friday night. He always seems to find something to say about me that makes me realise something about myself, or just something that nobody else ever seems to notice or mention. Sometimes its just a passing remark, but I guess I take it to heart.
Anyway, he commented that I tended to gravitate towards social outcasts. Or they gravitate towards me. We even joked about it for a bit. But when I got home, and thought about it, he was right. He always seems to get it right somehow.
I've always been on the outside looking in, as I've mentioned so many times before that I'm sick of it. From my vantage point, its so much easier to see what's going on. Most of the time I just ignore the social dynamics of the others, partly because I'm uninterested, mostly because I know that I would never be part of that, so I rather not hurt myself by watching.
But I tend to see the others. The others who aren't really part of the social circles. Someone who's hanging back just a bit. Or is just there amongst the socialites, playing a part, but not really a part of them. I'm drawn to them, probably due to similarity in circumstances. I guess birds of the same feather do tend to flock together.
In primary school that wasn't so evident. But then again, my reputation as a genius pretty must isolated me from playground activities. I remember joining them on certain occasions in games of tag, but that was only because my best friend (well, ex best friend) was a 'top girl'. XP She was one of those queen bees in the female hierarchy in the school. Yeah, those kinds. And yeah, it starts really early, doesn't it? I guess pack instinct hasn't completely faded from our mentality, no matter how civilised we get. The need to establish a kind of hierarchy, however subtle (or not), is always within the human psyche.
Back to the point though. The whole genius thing in primary school was one thing. I had friends, probably because I was still open then. As a child, I remember my mother telling me to think first before I talk. Largely because I tended to blab off the first thing that came to mind. One of those classic cases of high IQ, low EQ. Hehe.
Of course, now I think too much, and end up not saying anything. Drastic turnaround eh?
I was isolated in primary school due to my intelligence, and mostly due to my lack of tact, now that I think about on hindsight. I can't remember any specific incidents, but I'm sure that my sense of superiority at being smarter than the rest must have shone through quite strongly. I was very arrogant I guess...must have been a brat on some level. Haha.
Of course, than my mom died, and things changed. Well, not in terms of my social circle. It kind of shrank, since people started walking on eggshells around me. I cannot possibly tell you how irritating that is. Kanai knows though. It's like everyone is treating you like you would break at a single touch. It's exasperating.
That might have contributed to my (ahem) lack of tact when it comes to the death of relatives. You see, when someone else I know loses a relative, I don't skirt around the issue as much as most people do. I mean, I try to be tactful (emphasis on try), but most of the time I just go on as if nothing happened. Now, I'm not sure if that works on other people, but I knew that I had wished for other people to behave normally around me in the period after my mother's death. I mean, there's only so much one can take of others around you wincing whenever someone's mouth slips and mentions anything that can be alluded to the word "mother".
Although I must admit, when I hear other people avidly discussing what they are going to do on Mother's Day, I tend to withdraw a little into my shell. Of course, I tend to laugh it off by cracking slightly irreverent jokes about what I could possibly do for my mother now that she's dead. But it still twinges a little, now that I can't actually do anything nice for mom anymore.
On to the matter at hand. In secondary school, I was MOST definitely a social misfit. Maybe I just didn't know how to act. Like I said, my primary school experience most definitely did not involve navigating social channels. Therefore I had little to no experience to deal with the kind of social politicking that went on in a girls' school. The female species are definitely to be feared in this particular arena. Who knew that establishing a social hierarchy could have been so hazardous? I'm almost beginning to sympathise with the male species for that continuing bafflement with female-kind. I'm a girl, and I'm confused. I guess that settles that issue. Although Grace would probably make a smart comment about how "uneducated" I am in the ways of being female. Not that I'm disputing that; she's absolutely right. I've absolutely no idea about being female at all sometimes. I might have a female body, but my mind is hopelessly (and blissfully) unaware of certain subtleties that I should have been aware of. Oh well, it says a lot about my lack of a female role model in my upbringing.
I guess though, it was there in nygh that I started actively gravitating to the "outsiders". Or at least, people outside my immediate social circle...or at least, the people who are outside of the social circle that I'm hovering outside of... I'm not making any sense, am I? Never mind.
Anyway, I guess its a matter of seeking companionship with people who are less interested in trying to backstab you. And making friends with people who don't associate with you on a daily basis (ie. my classmates) means that they don't get to see you screw up, and thus have a more favorable opinion of you.
Yeah that's awfully escapist, and I know it. Running away from problems probably isn't the best way to do things, but I can't really think of anything else. I'm a bit too chicken to stay and face it. Haha.
Then the transfer to qss. I was given a chance to enter the social circle there. I mean, the fact that I came from nygh gave me instant celebrity. I could have been a popular kid...all I had to do was join that circle and be as superficial as them. Chengwei would know what that meant. So would Grace. Heck, Kanai would know too. The three of them always get what I'm saying here.
But I didn't, and went with Wanjing and Qianling instead. Not that they are social outcasts per se, far from it. But they weren't technically in the 'middle of things', so to speak. It was just a quiet, comfortable circle, something that didn't push me out of my comfort zone.
Although I was sure that initially, Jing thought that I would have joined the noisy social circle due to my proximity to Felicia. Haha. I can't remember if I ever asked her, but I think she was surprised that I didn't in the end. I can't even recall how I became friends with Jing at all...except for the fact that she was the one who led me to the class on my first day because the monitress wasn't there, and she being the vice-monitress, had to do the job. I've always wondered how things would have played out if the monitress HAD been there on my first day...I rather suspect things might have gone differently.
Enough of that though. I guess here would be a good time to discuss the outcast thing in qss...which Chengwei probably knows exactly who I'm going to bring up right now. Stop smirking damnit.
Yes, its Erika. Not trying to be mean or anything, and I'm serious about not being mean, Erika was never really part of any circle. She's close to Jamie, and she has some friends in Girl Guides, but she wasn't a part of any group really. To put it bluntly, she was outcast, and I can empathise with that somewhat. My time in nygh wasn't much better, so I'm in a position to know.
I'm not sure why we clicked. We were introduced by a mutual friend (jing), and started talking. I can't even remember what we talked about during those early days. But what I do remember was that she introduced me to the manga she was reading---> Saiyuki. ^__^
She was really nice to me, for reasons I'm not sure why either. I think even Jing was surprised...she said so to me once. So I was rather shocked once when Erika showed her more scathing side to someone else. That's when I realised that she was only nice to people whom she either feels comfortable with, or that she likes. That rule applied to people like me, Jamie, Ling, Audrey, and to a much smaller extent, Qianling. She's cordial with Qianling, but she was never close to her...that much I noticed.
What was it about me that she could have found that made her be comfortable talking with me. Maybe I was ready to listen to her. That could have influenced it somewhat. Thinking back, I think I'm the only one among her circle of friends that actually took any interest in listening to her babble about Saiyuki, and giggle along with her at the funny parts. The others never really got into the whole thing. I suspect that must have added a few points in my favour.
Diverting slightly from the main point, I've always been ready to listen. Of course, nowadays, I'm even more concerned about getting people to listen to me (doesn't always happen but what the heck anyway), but the thing that hasn't changed is that I still like to listen. Maybe I'm just being kaypoh, but on some level somewhere, I liked listening to other people. It lets me learn about them. Although I feel like I'm losing sight of that with the preoccupation with my own problems. I should try to be the good listener I started being even when I was in primary school.
Yes, even then. My then-best friend confided a lot in me. I always listened, and I never told anyone except for my mom, since at that time I wasn't really mature enough to handle other people's problems sensibly. Now that I'm actually somewhat mature enough to handle it, I'm more interested in myself than in others. I'm sort of ashamed about it even as I type this.
So, the whole outcast thing. I have no idea. With Erika, I was comfortable. We always had something to talk about. Even when we had nothing to talk about, it was ok. She would always find something to say, to the point that sometimes she would be monopolising the conversation. Not that I really minded, since I'm not exactly what you would call the most stimulating conversationalist. I'm skilled in babblese, but not in holding random conversations. *lol*
Some people might have been uncomfortable with Erika because of that though. Some people don't like being not in control of a situation. For me, I'm more of a socially passive person...although Grace can testify to my random trips into Babbledom that totally smashes the image of quiet Huimin. Haha.
I'm alright with Erika's sometimes bossiness. She never consciously realises that of course, and I realise that it must tick some people off without her realising it. Yes, Chengwei, I know that she might stumble onto this blog and read what I've been posting about her here. Am I worried that she would be upset with me for saying this about her? Yes, as a matter of fact, I am. Even now I'm still not sure about what I can safely say without pissing her off...but then again she's mellowed a lot, so she doesn't really go up in flames the way she used to back when we were just 15-16 years old.
What I need to say though, is that despite her flaws (we all have them, we're human), I still like her as a friend. She might irritate me sometimes, but everyone irritates everyone else at some point in time. Like the time I got on the wrong side of her at Christmas...I'm still terrified of that ever happening again. I don't want to lose a good friend, and yes Chengwei, despite your reservations about her, she IS a good friend. Flaws and all. But then again, I probably can be more irritating than most people if I really wanted to...flaws, you know. haha.
Erika says I'm her best friend...but truth to tell, I'm hesitant about conferring that title back on her on my part. There, I've finally said it.
For me, the title of "Best Friend" is very special. In modern times, that title of 'best friend' is now so carelessly used. One person can have 5 or 6 best friends at a time. For me, that isn't right somehow. Maybe I'm being old-school, but I believe that one should only have one real Best Friend. The rest can only be considered as good friends, or very good friends. The title of Best Friend should be special...or at least it is to me.
Yeah I'm being old fashioned here. So what?
But why am I not conferring that title onto Erika? She was the first, after all, to get really close to me, the 2nd being Grace. Kanai doesn't really count here, because despite how eerily well she can read me and how well I can click with her, she still isn't actually here with me. She's my best online friend, but I think you can only be real Best Friends if you can put up with each other in real life. Haha. So don't get offended k, konks? XD
*has a sudden brainwave* Gee, how about I call you kiwi? xP Just had a thought. ;)
Anyway, I still haven't actually put anybody in that Best Friend position deep in my heart. Grace comes close, but I wouldn't consider her in that position. She's a very good friend and occasional confidant, but somehow the Best Friend thing doesn't suit her very well...at least that's what it seems to me. No offense to you Gracie, just that something's not right somehow...probably because you like pink so much. :P
As for Erika...maybe its because there are so many things I can't tell her. That I'm not telling her. Even Grace knows more about my secrets than Erika does. So does Chengwei and Kanai, but then again those two probably know just about everything about me between the two of them. Well...almost.
So why am I not telling her? Probably because I'm unsure how she would react. Duh. I can trust the aforementioned 3 people not to judge me by what I reveal to them, but I'm not sure about Erika. If there's one person I can't read very well, its her. I mean, I know her responses when it comes to normal, everyday things (like the time I accurately predicted the exact words she would say after I told her something haha). But when it comes to the deeper stuff, I'm stumped. Totally and completely in the dark.
She's a very guarded person. Like myself, in a sense. Sometimes its scary how much I see myself (the 13 year old me) reflected in her during the times when she was depressed when we only 15 or 16. Now......she's changed. Maybe it was the year we spent apart in different schools. But she's different whenever I visited her. For the better though, so that's good.
Again, digressing slightly from the topic, I'm always rather protective about my friends. Probably because I have so few of them. I would gladly throw myself in harm's way to save them, if I truly consider that person to be a friend. Strange as the concept seems to me, I'm actually quite loyal when it comes to this kind of thing. Quite unlike that disgusting individual I make myself out to be at times. Selfish? Usually...although sometimes I do something totally out of character and be noble instead. Sigh.
That's what I feel about Erika though. Protective. Probably because at one point, I saw myself in her eyes, and that terrified me. I didn't want her to ruin her life the way I did. I didn't want a good friend to wreck their emotional and mental health the way I wrecked mine. I didn't want her to go through what I went through...that kind of trauma shouldn't be inflicted on anybody.
Did I feel pity for her at any point? No. I didn't allow myself to. There were times I verged on feeling that emotion, but I didn't allow myself to. I might not know that much about her, but I know enough to know that she wouldn't have appreciated pity. I know I wouldn't have either. I hated pity, and she would have felt the same.
I feel a bit guilty about revealing so much about her, or at least, my impression of her, here on this blog. It's almost like a betrayal of trust in a sense. But I needed to think it out, let it off my chest. And I think, it was time to let Chengwei know about this. I never really got round to telling him about my impression of Erika, probably because he never really allowed me to...and also because I never really pushed the issue. But I think you were being really unfair to her Chengwei. There's so much you don't know about her, and so much I don't know either. But all I want to say is that, you should rethink your impression of her. Maybe you didn't get to see the better side of her much, but she really isn't as cold as she appears to be at school sometimes.
You know, I'm really idealistic. I can see the good in other people, but somehow, I can never see the good in myself. It's odd. It's like, I want to give other people chances, but I'm never really willing to give myself a chance. It's like what Grace said, I don't love myself enough. I won't go so far to say that I hated myself (although I've felt that way occasionally), I definitely didn't love myself as much as I should.
It's odd really. Here I am pouring out what I think about my something-next-to-best-friend, after years of repressing everything I wanted to say about her.Maybe because I don't dare to discuss this kind of thing in person. It seems easier to type it out. I am a coward after all.
Now that Erika's over in Australia, I don't know what to think. I'm afraid she would change beyond recognition. But a part of me is ready to accept that. Chengwei mentioned in that conversation on Friday that I was able to let things go easily. Too easily I'm afraid.
Suddenly, being able to 拿得起 放得下 seems like a bane instead of a boon. I've always been too ready to give up on a friendship rather than work on maintaining it. It was so easy for me to cut loose...probably because I've always held something back. One part of me is always ready to run away. Run away and never look back.
It's a character flaw. Many times I would rather just drop the relationship instead of trying to make it work out. That's what makes being friends with me hard sometimes. Give me time and distance, and you would never reach me again...unless you managed to show me that you were still willing to be friends. That's provided that you can get me in one place long enough to explain it to me. Hehe.
Of course, I've changed a little from that. Now, I'm more willing to try and maintain a friendship. Probably because my current friends mean more to me than the old ones. Wanjing and Qianling are one of the better people I've met in my life, and I don't want to lose contact with them. Grace is one of the few that can penetrate my shell, so I don't really want to lose her as a friend as well. Chengwei too, and Kanai, fall into this category. I cherish them enough to not want to instinctively run away when things go wrong.
As for Erika...it's ambiguous. She's a very good friend, but of late, I'm beginning to wonder if our friendship is still the same. I haven't seen her much online, and now that she's not in Singapore, I can't just pop over to her house just to hang out like we used to. On one hand, I'm afraid of losing her as a friend, but on the other hand, I'm relieved that she's not here, as it gives me time to work out just exactly where I stand with her. Is she that Best Friend that I'm looking for? Or is that mysterious person still out there? Or somewhere nearby, just that I've never noticed?
You know, one day, I would really want to sit down with Erika and talk. As in, really talk with her. Instead of all that random, unimportant stuff we talk about usually. I want to know more about her. She's changed...and I need to know where and how. Call me a busybody, but that's just the way I am. Curiosity as gotten me into worse trouble before.
Damn. Now I need someone to talk to. As in, talk talk. Not just IM-ing. I'm beginning to understand what Chengwei means when he says he is a phone-and-face-to-face person. IM-ing just can't substitute real human contact. And I can just see Grace going "I told you so" at me right now. Sigh.
Ok, I gotta go to bed now. School tomorrow. I hope I don't get another crazy panic attack like today. It's like what happened back when I was 14. Sheer, undiluted terror. Being afraid of the sun. How I wished the night would last forever! Then I could hide.
Like I always did. Always have. Always will...?
Sunday, April 16, 2006
I'm hearing things again.
It wasn't anything overt. I was just sitting here at the computer, and then I kept hearing murmuring in the background. But my grandma wasn't mumbling, and there isn't anybody else in the house. The tv wasn't on then, and I think I would know if I'm just hearing the neighbours.
Not sure why I'm putting this down here. Anyway, just dropping a line here before going off to post at the other blog. I just had a good idea after dinner, so I might as well do something about it.
Cya.
]
It wasn't anything overt. I was just sitting here at the computer, and then I kept hearing murmuring in the background. But my grandma wasn't mumbling, and there isn't anybody else in the house. The tv wasn't on then, and I think I would know if I'm just hearing the neighbours.
Not sure why I'm putting this down here. Anyway, just dropping a line here before going off to post at the other blog. I just had a good idea after dinner, so I might as well do something about it.
Cya.
Listening to 再一次拥有。
Now, whenever I hear this song, I'm torn between wanting to throttle WMP, or just rolling my eyes and sighing. It's so....so....melodramatic. Haha.
Not wanting to sound mean or anything, but I'm terribly grateful that I've never been in love before. Because it also implies that I've never fallen OUT of love before. And that, considering the kind of heartbreak I've witnessed in others, is an infinite blessing in my wretched little life.
Ok, I'm exaggerating slightly. You know, the 'wretched little life' bit.
Yeah, gasp all you want. Angsty old me is actually denying that I have a wretched life. The sky must have fallen down. Blah.
When you get right down to it, my life is pretty average. Normal, so to speak. Let's have a look.
One, I'm in a respectable JC. That's good, right? I sort of have a place in life.
Two, I do not have any romantic entanglements, thus meaning that I have no romantic problems. Another plus point I guess.
Three, I have a close knit circle of friends that I reasonably trust. I might not be a social butterfly, but in reality, I don't have to be that in order to get ahead in life.
Four, I have a semi-stable family. That is, I get my pocket money, and they generally leave me alone. Discounting the fact that I'm missing a mother, and also the fact that my relatives tend to rub my nerves raw, AND the fact that my dad's dating (again), my family life is pretty much a constant.
Five, I'm talented and intelligent. Not trying to brag here, but it's a fact. I believe it's not bragging if it's true. It only counts as bragging only if you overinflate it...or keep talking about it.
There. I believe this little exercise in listing the normalcy in my life is otherwise known as "counting one's blessings". It's supposed to be some sort of a healthy activity. Go me.
But scrolling up and looking over the points again, I'm seized by a powerful urge to rebut and issue counter-arguments. Occupational hazard from doing too many GP essays. Ugh.
Ok, let's have a look at the counter-arguments, shall we?
One, I might be in a respectable JC, but my studies are practically self-destructing (mostly thanks to my heck-careness) and my university admission chances are decreasing at an increasing rate. I don't really think that's good, eh?
Two, no romantic entanglements...not easy to rebut. Not. Let's just say that even someone like me needs more than platonic relationships occasionally. I'm not a complete iceberg. But the sad lack of even the merest hint of romantic relationships in my life is a pretty hard reality. I've learnt not to care...too much.
Three, nothing much to rebut here. Small group of friends is good. I don't have the emotional energy to keep up with a large social circle. But even within my small group, I wish for someone I can just pour out everything to. I have Chengwei and Kanai and occasionally Grace for this, but there's always something missing somehow...
Four, let's just face it, I have a dysfunctional family. No mother, father with mood swings worse than a woman in menopause or pregnancy (plus violent temperament to boot), granny who constantly lives in the past and wishes that she were dead...... Not exactly your average postcard-friendly nuclear family. And I have aunts who waltz into my life trying to take charge or be sympathetic...when for four years they ignored my very existence and only noticed that hey, I'm actually alive in a remote corner of Singapore when my granny comes over to live with us. Hypocritical much? Can you blame me for not liking them? Maybe it's childish to hold a grudge like that, but I find it difficult to trust people like that. Sorry, no second chances here. I'm grateful for all the assistance rendered when granny is here, but don't expect anything more from me.
Five, well, finally something that I can sort of take comfort in. In the words of someone from my past though, I have amazing talent---a dark talent, but talent nevertheless. It both pains and amuses me that my talent was born out of tears and suffering. I strongly feel that my writing skill and maturity would never have progressed so far or so quickly had my mother not passed away when she did. A mixed blessing, in a sense. I love my talent, but I dislike the circumstances in which it had to be nurtured. Unfortunately, it's not something I can conceivably change, so I have to live with the consequences. If nothing else, it's the only thing that is truly constant in my life, sans the occasional writer's block.
Well, there's the rebuttals. Chengwei was right about one thing though. He said that if I ignored all the niggling little things that bother me in my life, my life would be very disgustingly normal. But then again, that piece of advice applies to just about every single person on this planet, doesn't it? If we ignore the nasty things in life, and only look at the good parts, we'd all be happy and contented. There would be fewer depression cases and suicides, and life in general would be more beautiful.
Sounds terribly wonderful, doesn't it? All in its cookie-cutter perfection, with the perfect icing and the perfect setting.
And how utterly boring it would be. Where's the fun in life when everybody's happy? Not trying to sound sadistic here, but variety makes for more fun, and happiness is all the more satisfying in the light of external sadness in the lives of others. I know it sounds awful, but we appreciate our own happiness more when we get to view the misery of others. Or have experienced misery ourselves before. If there were no sadness, we would all take happiness for granted and not even learn how to appreciate it.
Actually, if there were no sadness, then what meaning does happiness have? Happiness and sadness are relative to each other. Take the existence of one away, and the other ceases to contain any real relevance in itself anymore. Simply because there would only be one state, and with no counterweight, one cannot gauge the degree within that state, and thus it loses meaning. Uniformity can be such a staid existence.
Ok I'm starting to delve into one of those deep discussions on Existence and other philosophical nonsense. So before I go into an extended discussion on that subject, perhaps here would be a good place to end off.
Ciao.
]
Now, whenever I hear this song, I'm torn between wanting to throttle WMP, or just rolling my eyes and sighing. It's so....so....melodramatic. Haha.
Not wanting to sound mean or anything, but I'm terribly grateful that I've never been in love before. Because it also implies that I've never fallen OUT of love before. And that, considering the kind of heartbreak I've witnessed in others, is an infinite blessing in my wretched little life.
Ok, I'm exaggerating slightly. You know, the 'wretched little life' bit.
Yeah, gasp all you want. Angsty old me is actually denying that I have a wretched life. The sky must have fallen down. Blah.
When you get right down to it, my life is pretty average. Normal, so to speak. Let's have a look.
One, I'm in a respectable JC. That's good, right? I sort of have a place in life.
Two, I do not have any romantic entanglements, thus meaning that I have no romantic problems. Another plus point I guess.
Three, I have a close knit circle of friends that I reasonably trust. I might not be a social butterfly, but in reality, I don't have to be that in order to get ahead in life.
Four, I have a semi-stable family. That is, I get my pocket money, and they generally leave me alone. Discounting the fact that I'm missing a mother, and also the fact that my relatives tend to rub my nerves raw, AND the fact that my dad's dating (again), my family life is pretty much a constant.
Five, I'm talented and intelligent. Not trying to brag here, but it's a fact. I believe it's not bragging if it's true. It only counts as bragging only if you overinflate it...or keep talking about it.
There. I believe this little exercise in listing the normalcy in my life is otherwise known as "counting one's blessings". It's supposed to be some sort of a healthy activity. Go me.
But scrolling up and looking over the points again, I'm seized by a powerful urge to rebut and issue counter-arguments. Occupational hazard from doing too many GP essays. Ugh.
Ok, let's have a look at the counter-arguments, shall we?
One, I might be in a respectable JC, but my studies are practically self-destructing (mostly thanks to my heck-careness) and my university admission chances are decreasing at an increasing rate. I don't really think that's good, eh?
Two, no romantic entanglements...not easy to rebut. Not. Let's just say that even someone like me needs more than platonic relationships occasionally. I'm not a complete iceberg. But the sad lack of even the merest hint of romantic relationships in my life is a pretty hard reality. I've learnt not to care...too much.
Three, nothing much to rebut here. Small group of friends is good. I don't have the emotional energy to keep up with a large social circle. But even within my small group, I wish for someone I can just pour out everything to. I have Chengwei and Kanai and occasionally Grace for this, but there's always something missing somehow...
Four, let's just face it, I have a dysfunctional family. No mother, father with mood swings worse than a woman in menopause or pregnancy (plus violent temperament to boot), granny who constantly lives in the past and wishes that she were dead...... Not exactly your average postcard-friendly nuclear family. And I have aunts who waltz into my life trying to take charge or be sympathetic...when for four years they ignored my very existence and only noticed that hey, I'm actually alive in a remote corner of Singapore when my granny comes over to live with us. Hypocritical much? Can you blame me for not liking them? Maybe it's childish to hold a grudge like that, but I find it difficult to trust people like that. Sorry, no second chances here. I'm grateful for all the assistance rendered when granny is here, but don't expect anything more from me.
Five, well, finally something that I can sort of take comfort in. In the words of someone from my past though, I have amazing talent---a dark talent, but talent nevertheless. It both pains and amuses me that my talent was born out of tears and suffering. I strongly feel that my writing skill and maturity would never have progressed so far or so quickly had my mother not passed away when she did. A mixed blessing, in a sense. I love my talent, but I dislike the circumstances in which it had to be nurtured. Unfortunately, it's not something I can conceivably change, so I have to live with the consequences. If nothing else, it's the only thing that is truly constant in my life, sans the occasional writer's block.
Well, there's the rebuttals. Chengwei was right about one thing though. He said that if I ignored all the niggling little things that bother me in my life, my life would be very disgustingly normal. But then again, that piece of advice applies to just about every single person on this planet, doesn't it? If we ignore the nasty things in life, and only look at the good parts, we'd all be happy and contented. There would be fewer depression cases and suicides, and life in general would be more beautiful.
Sounds terribly wonderful, doesn't it? All in its cookie-cutter perfection, with the perfect icing and the perfect setting.
And how utterly boring it would be. Where's the fun in life when everybody's happy? Not trying to sound sadistic here, but variety makes for more fun, and happiness is all the more satisfying in the light of external sadness in the lives of others. I know it sounds awful, but we appreciate our own happiness more when we get to view the misery of others. Or have experienced misery ourselves before. If there were no sadness, we would all take happiness for granted and not even learn how to appreciate it.
Actually, if there were no sadness, then what meaning does happiness have? Happiness and sadness are relative to each other. Take the existence of one away, and the other ceases to contain any real relevance in itself anymore. Simply because there would only be one state, and with no counterweight, one cannot gauge the degree within that state, and thus it loses meaning. Uniformity can be such a staid existence.
Ok I'm starting to delve into one of those deep discussions on Existence and other philosophical nonsense. So before I go into an extended discussion on that subject, perhaps here would be a good place to end off.
Ciao.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
It was the best of times, the worst of times.
Everyone sees my potential, except me. Actually, that's not true. I know I have potential, and I'm working on it. Just not in the orthodox way. And somehow, that's wrong too, since I actually have to put the rest of my life in order before I can pursue these frivolous dreams.
And having a cynical little voice in my head (Yes, you, Chaos) isn't helping any.
You know, when I was coming up the stairs earlier, a couple of lines from my favorite Iscariot fanfiction came to mind. It sounded exactly as if Chaos was whispering to me inside my head.
Suppress it. Those are unclean and filthy desires of the flesh.
Filthy little girl. God won’t want you anymore.
I only grow stronger. The more you deny it, the more I grow.
You fear me because I am you.
You’re such a dirty child, Yumiko! Fighting with your brother like that! You have to be a good child!
One day, Yumiko, you’re going to destroy us both. And what would Wolfe say?
Just replace the names and you get what I mean. Having that little voice in my head is driving me insane. Well, sort of, anyway.
The two lines that grip me most are these:
I only grow stronger. The more you deny it, the more I grow.
You fear me because I am you.
I don't exactly fear Chaos as much as Yumiko fears Yumie. But its the same sensation of sorts.
One day, I will destroy us both. And then what will God say?
Filthy child, I don't want me anymore.
I don't love myself as much as I should. Or so she says. She's right though. I don't.
Where others see good, I only see the stains on me. Because as much as I reveal about myself here, I still don't reveal the dirty disgusting details that make myself up. All that filth.
Stained hands. So dirty. Repulsive. Who would want someone like me?
It's a beautiful day out there.
Repress. I need to repress.
So maybe one day, I won't have to remember.
]
Everyone sees my potential, except me. Actually, that's not true. I know I have potential, and I'm working on it. Just not in the orthodox way. And somehow, that's wrong too, since I actually have to put the rest of my life in order before I can pursue these frivolous dreams.
And having a cynical little voice in my head (Yes, you, Chaos) isn't helping any.
You know, when I was coming up the stairs earlier, a couple of lines from my favorite Iscariot fanfiction came to mind. It sounded exactly as if Chaos was whispering to me inside my head.
Suppress it. Those are unclean and filthy desires of the flesh.
Filthy little girl. God won’t want you anymore.
I only grow stronger. The more you deny it, the more I grow.
You fear me because I am you.
You’re such a dirty child, Yumiko! Fighting with your brother like that! You have to be a good child!
One day, Yumiko, you’re going to destroy us both. And what would Wolfe say?
Just replace the names and you get what I mean. Having that little voice in my head is driving me insane. Well, sort of, anyway.
The two lines that grip me most are these:
I only grow stronger. The more you deny it, the more I grow.
You fear me because I am you.
I don't exactly fear Chaos as much as Yumiko fears Yumie. But its the same sensation of sorts.
One day, I will destroy us both. And then what will God say?
Filthy child, I don't want me anymore.
I don't love myself as much as I should. Or so she says. She's right though. I don't.
Where others see good, I only see the stains on me. Because as much as I reveal about myself here, I still don't reveal the dirty disgusting details that make myself up. All that filth.
Stained hands. So dirty. Repulsive. Who would want someone like me?
It's a beautiful day out there.
Repress. I need to repress.
So maybe one day, I won't have to remember.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Writer's block is evil.
When I can't even think of anything to blog properly about, it just goes to show how horrendously bad it is.
Well, I refuse to be defeated by that fiend. I will think of something to write. Here, that is. I don't want to publish nonsense at the other blog. Well, not something that's more nonsense than what's already there.
Oh god. I tried writing. Only drivel came out. I deleted everything...
*bangs head against wall*
Fine. Evil writer's block. I'll concede defeat tonight.
]
When I can't even think of anything to blog properly about, it just goes to show how horrendously bad it is.
Well, I refuse to be defeated by that fiend. I will think of something to write. Here, that is. I don't want to publish nonsense at the other blog. Well, not something that's more nonsense than what's already there.
Oh god. I tried writing. Only drivel came out. I deleted everything...
*bangs head against wall*
Fine. Evil writer's block. I'll concede defeat tonight.
I'm an idiot.
No, correction, I'm a fool.
Difference? Oh yeah, there's a difference. I make foolish decisions, but I'm by no means stupid.
Some people don't get the difference, but I do. I know the consequences, but I do it anyway.
It's foolish, but it's not like I'm stupid enough not to see the consequences. I just choose to disregard it. Reckless? Probably.
On a side note, I just thought of a appropriate character theme song for Chaos. Think 'My Plague' by Slipknot. That would suit him perfectly.
Times like these make me want to bang my head against the wall repeatedly. That might account for my foolish decisions. All that headbanging must have impacted a few nerves somewhere. Heh.
*huggles teddy* I've been hugging that teddy bear for the past hour or so. It feels like a security blanket. Heh. Thanks for giving it to me Grace.
Happy endings? Hmm. I don't know.
Trouble's brewing. I just know it. Well, I helped cause it. That would explain a lot, really.
Cryptic nonsense, this post. Ignore it.
]
No, correction, I'm a fool.
Difference? Oh yeah, there's a difference. I make foolish decisions, but I'm by no means stupid.
Some people don't get the difference, but I do. I know the consequences, but I do it anyway.
It's foolish, but it's not like I'm stupid enough not to see the consequences. I just choose to disregard it. Reckless? Probably.
On a side note, I just thought of a appropriate character theme song for Chaos. Think 'My Plague' by Slipknot. That would suit him perfectly.
Times like these make me want to bang my head against the wall repeatedly. That might account for my foolish decisions. All that headbanging must have impacted a few nerves somewhere. Heh.
*huggles teddy* I've been hugging that teddy bear for the past hour or so. It feels like a security blanket. Heh. Thanks for giving it to me Grace.
Happy endings? Hmm. I don't know.
Trouble's brewing. I just know it. Well, I helped cause it. That would explain a lot, really.
Cryptic nonsense, this post. Ignore it.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Originally I was going to go to bed.
Then I made a huge mistake of visiting the shingetsu pgsm site. One mistake led to another, which led me to youtube. Where I watched Komatsu Ayaka tribute videos. And ended up seriously drooling over her bikini shots. God... *zones out*
Who knew I'd be a sucker for cute schoolgirl types? Especially when they are posing in barely-there bikinis and dripping wet. *cough* I need a life.
*starts a Komatsu Ayaka picture folder*
Yeah, it's gotten THAT bad. Curse you PGSM!!! *waves fist*
The worst part? It's when she manages to look oh-so-cute and innocent with her hair up in that cute manner...and she's wearing barely anything. Grrrr. *murders directors* Lol.
Ok I need sleep now. Although adrenaline says otherwise. Damn. I need a healthier hobby...
]
Then I made a huge mistake of visiting the shingetsu pgsm site. One mistake led to another, which led me to youtube. Where I watched Komatsu Ayaka tribute videos. And ended up seriously drooling over her bikini shots. God... *zones out*
Who knew I'd be a sucker for cute schoolgirl types? Especially when they are posing in barely-there bikinis and dripping wet. *cough* I need a life.
*starts a Komatsu Ayaka picture folder*
Yeah, it's gotten THAT bad. Curse you PGSM!!! *waves fist*
The worst part? It's when she manages to look oh-so-cute and innocent with her hair up in that cute manner...and she's wearing barely anything. Grrrr. *murders directors* Lol.
Ok I need sleep now. Although adrenaline says otherwise. Damn. I need a healthier hobby...
Well I finally peeled the translation for Kiss Kiss Bang Bang off the subbed video of PGSM Ep. 40. I got tired of trying to look for it hehe. Here it is then!
I'm sorry for hiding my face in sadness
I even forgot the way to walk
The night is lonely
Who will be there with me?
Kiss! Kiss! Because of love
Bang! Bang! ...there's a hole in my heart
Tears...I'm not going to show them
Because inside of me
There is a battle
Alright
A love that's not all about smiles
Surpass the pain
Protect to the very end
When I think about you
I feel more warm now
(cause anytime)
Just that
(rainbow in my soul)
I want to believe that
I'll be here
Sometimes people
Seem like their hurt heart will never heal (if you want me...I'll just be here...every night)
I can cry if I want to (cry if I want to)
I can cry like a heavy rain (cry like a heavy rain)
I just want you by my side
A love that's not all about smiles
Surpass the pain
Protect to the very end
When I think about you
I feel more warm now
(cause anytime)
Just that
(rainbow in my soul)
I want to believe that
I'll be here
Alright!
It's like its written for Minako. Doh. And for her and Rei's relationship. *cough*
Don't believe? Lemme break it down for ya.
I'm sorry for hiding my face in sadness
I even forgot the way to walk
That's Minako for you. She spent all her time being so painfully noble by ignoring her brain tumour and insisting on fighting alone without the rest of the senshi. Guess who's she saying sorry to? XP Rei-chan obviously! I mean, Rei was the one who roped in the other senshi to cheer her up in this episode...even if she refuses to admit it. XD
The night is lonely
Who will be there with me?
*whacks Minako on the head* Is your brain tumour affecting your thought processes? Of course its Rei! XP
Tears...I'm not going to show them
Because inside of me
There is a battle
Alright
Duh. This is talking about her battle with her illness. And her being so strong and blah and noble-ish. Grrr. All the unnecessary angst!!
A love that's not all about smiles
Surpass the pain
Protect to the very end
This is again referring to Minako's illness and her mission as a senshi. She has to fight to 'surpass her pain' and protect the princess. Btw, the camera switches to Usagi at that line. Kinda obvious ne?
When I think about you
I feel more warm now
(cause anytime)
Just that
(rainbow in my soul)
I want to believe that
I'll be here
*cough hack cough* Hello~~~ The camera itself SWITCHED TO REI the moment that first line came up. *rolls eyes* Obvious much? Plus, Rei has been trying to convince Minako to get surgery in order to save her life. Meh. If this doesn't say anything, nothing else will.
Sometimes people
Seem like their hurt heart will never heal (if you want me...I'll just be here...every night)
I can cry if I want to (cry if I want to)
I can cry like a heavy rain (cry like a heavy rain)
I just want you by my side
Gaaaaaaaah! You know that first bit in brackets? It's as if its echoing Rei's hidden thoughts. She would probably die before she'd admit it though. That girl's stubborn. Oh, and the part where Minako goes 'I can cry if I want to', her eyes start tearing up. It was so...sad... *sob* Oh and that last line? REI YOU MORON LOOK AT THAT! *cough* XD
Lol sometimes I get a little overly worked up over dense people who should be together, but for some reason are too dense to get it. Ack. *whacks dense people* Just get together already and spare me the angst! As much as I like angst, I like nice fluffy endings even more. Yeah, OOC I know, and I don't really care.
Need...fluff...
*goes to read Saun's H/M fics*
Saun is the best for H/M fluff. Muahahahaha. Ciao!
]
I'm sorry for hiding my face in sadness
I even forgot the way to walk
The night is lonely
Who will be there with me?
Kiss! Kiss! Because of love
Bang! Bang! ...there's a hole in my heart
Tears...I'm not going to show them
Because inside of me
There is a battle
Alright
A love that's not all about smiles
Surpass the pain
Protect to the very end
When I think about you
I feel more warm now
(cause anytime)
Just that
(rainbow in my soul)
I want to believe that
I'll be here
Sometimes people
Seem like their hurt heart will never heal (if you want me...I'll just be here...every night)
I can cry if I want to (cry if I want to)
I can cry like a heavy rain (cry like a heavy rain)
I just want you by my side
A love that's not all about smiles
Surpass the pain
Protect to the very end
When I think about you
I feel more warm now
(cause anytime)
Just that
(rainbow in my soul)
I want to believe that
I'll be here
Alright!
It's like its written for Minako. Doh. And for her and Rei's relationship. *cough*
Don't believe? Lemme break it down for ya.
I'm sorry for hiding my face in sadness
I even forgot the way to walk
That's Minako for you. She spent all her time being so painfully noble by ignoring her brain tumour and insisting on fighting alone without the rest of the senshi. Guess who's she saying sorry to? XP Rei-chan obviously! I mean, Rei was the one who roped in the other senshi to cheer her up in this episode...even if she refuses to admit it. XD
The night is lonely
Who will be there with me?
*whacks Minako on the head* Is your brain tumour affecting your thought processes? Of course its Rei! XP
Tears...I'm not going to show them
Because inside of me
There is a battle
Alright
Duh. This is talking about her battle with her illness. And her being so strong and blah and noble-ish. Grrr. All the unnecessary angst!!
A love that's not all about smiles
Surpass the pain
Protect to the very end
This is again referring to Minako's illness and her mission as a senshi. She has to fight to 'surpass her pain' and protect the princess. Btw, the camera switches to Usagi at that line. Kinda obvious ne?
When I think about you
I feel more warm now
(cause anytime)
Just that
(rainbow in my soul)
I want to believe that
I'll be here
*cough hack cough* Hello~~~ The camera itself SWITCHED TO REI the moment that first line came up. *rolls eyes* Obvious much? Plus, Rei has been trying to convince Minako to get surgery in order to save her life. Meh. If this doesn't say anything, nothing else will.
Sometimes people
Seem like their hurt heart will never heal (if you want me...I'll just be here...every night)
I can cry if I want to (cry if I want to)
I can cry like a heavy rain (cry like a heavy rain)
I just want you by my side
Gaaaaaaaah! You know that first bit in brackets? It's as if its echoing Rei's hidden thoughts. She would probably die before she'd admit it though. That girl's stubborn. Oh, and the part where Minako goes 'I can cry if I want to', her eyes start tearing up. It was so...sad... *sob* Oh and that last line? REI YOU MORON LOOK AT THAT! *cough* XD
Lol sometimes I get a little overly worked up over dense people who should be together, but for some reason are too dense to get it. Ack. *whacks dense people* Just get together already and spare me the angst! As much as I like angst, I like nice fluffy endings even more. Yeah, OOC I know, and I don't really care.
Need...fluff...
*goes to read Saun's H/M fics*
Saun is the best for H/M fluff. Muahahahaha. Ciao!
Confound it, Witchhunter Robin has some really great song lyrics. As if Half-Pain didn't speak strongly enough to me, I went and looked at the opening song, Shell, and discovered that heck, it fits me too!
Take a look and see for yourself.
It's like I'll disappear as soon as I close my eyes
I feel like I've turned into someone that even I don't recognize
Sadly, I've become so small
I want to be rescued, but instead of sighing
I vomited up my loneliness, and just lay there, measuring it all up
Amidst this drop of time gone dry
My heart is drowning and writhing
These lies that make me dizzy
I took them and tore them up
And with that,
I became lost
In a world of thin darkness. [1]
For the sake of those whom I should trust
I chose to come here, a cage into which I've locked myself, and now there's no escape.
Deep inside my parched throat
Lies the reason for this growing impermanence [2]
Scared of the approaching tomorrow
I cower and collapse
But it seeks me out and whispers to me
This voice of thin darkness. [1]
Amidst this drop of time gone dry
My heart is drowning and writhing
These lies that make me dizzy
I took them and tore them up
And with that, I became lost
In a world of thin darkness.
Translator's Notes:
[1] "Usuyami" can mean a dilute blackness or thinned-out darkness.
[2] The kanji for "riyuu" is here pronounced "wake".
It is so fitting. Let's analyse the lines that I feel suited me.
It's like I'll disappear as soon as I close my eyes
I feel like I've turned into someone that even I don't recognize
Yeah, that's how I feel. Definitely someone I don't recognise. A shadow of myself, or just shattered reflections?
I want to be rescued, but instead of sighing
I vomited up my loneliness, and just lay there, measuring it all up
Another apt line. It's not like I don't want to be saved, but I end up preferring to wallow in my own loneliness and inspect it. Doh.
For the sake of those whom I should trust
I chose to come here, a cage into which I've locked myself, and now there's no escape.
For my father. I should trust him, but it was because of him that I took the first step into caging my emotions, and then myself. And yes, now there's no escape. I was supposed to be strong when he was falling apart, so I had no time for my own grief. Nothing but stolen moments, barely enough to nurse the gaping wound back to health. I cried into my pillow on some nights, but put on a cheerful demeanour in front of him. I had, in a very literal sense, backed myself into a corner. And now I can't get out of the shadows anymore.
Scared of the approaching tomorrow
I cower and collapse
But it seeks me out and whispers to me
This voice of thin darkness.
That's what I am, ultimately. I'm afraid of the future and what it will bring, and I'm at the very edge of my sanity at times. And at night, I hear them whisper, a hissing sussuration that chills and claws at me. Many times I've turned, shocked, when I heard that tiny voice murmuring words I'm afraid to accept.
The title of the song is apt. I'm simply a shell of myself, pretending yet not pretending. I've become that empty mask I wore to conceal the reality, and now I can't find reality anymore.
I've backed myself into a corner filled with shadows, and in the light of the rising sun, I cower away and instead watch the pain ooze out from the pores of my skin to join with the writhing darkness I had entered.
In the words of Half-Pain:
A long time ago, I threw out my brightness
And like the light of the morning sun, it can never return.
]
Take a look and see for yourself.
It's like I'll disappear as soon as I close my eyes
I feel like I've turned into someone that even I don't recognize
Sadly, I've become so small
I want to be rescued, but instead of sighing
I vomited up my loneliness, and just lay there, measuring it all up
Amidst this drop of time gone dry
My heart is drowning and writhing
These lies that make me dizzy
I took them and tore them up
And with that,
I became lost
In a world of thin darkness. [1]
For the sake of those whom I should trust
I chose to come here, a cage into which I've locked myself, and now there's no escape.
Deep inside my parched throat
Lies the reason for this growing impermanence [2]
Scared of the approaching tomorrow
I cower and collapse
But it seeks me out and whispers to me
This voice of thin darkness. [1]
Amidst this drop of time gone dry
My heart is drowning and writhing
These lies that make me dizzy
I took them and tore them up
And with that, I became lost
In a world of thin darkness.
Translator's Notes:
[1] "Usuyami" can mean a dilute blackness or thinned-out darkness.
[2] The kanji for "riyuu" is here pronounced "wake".
It is so fitting. Let's analyse the lines that I feel suited me.
It's like I'll disappear as soon as I close my eyes
I feel like I've turned into someone that even I don't recognize
Yeah, that's how I feel. Definitely someone I don't recognise. A shadow of myself, or just shattered reflections?
I want to be rescued, but instead of sighing
I vomited up my loneliness, and just lay there, measuring it all up
Another apt line. It's not like I don't want to be saved, but I end up preferring to wallow in my own loneliness and inspect it. Doh.
For the sake of those whom I should trust
I chose to come here, a cage into which I've locked myself, and now there's no escape.
For my father. I should trust him, but it was because of him that I took the first step into caging my emotions, and then myself. And yes, now there's no escape. I was supposed to be strong when he was falling apart, so I had no time for my own grief. Nothing but stolen moments, barely enough to nurse the gaping wound back to health. I cried into my pillow on some nights, but put on a cheerful demeanour in front of him. I had, in a very literal sense, backed myself into a corner. And now I can't get out of the shadows anymore.
Scared of the approaching tomorrow
I cower and collapse
But it seeks me out and whispers to me
This voice of thin darkness.
That's what I am, ultimately. I'm afraid of the future and what it will bring, and I'm at the very edge of my sanity at times. And at night, I hear them whisper, a hissing sussuration that chills and claws at me. Many times I've turned, shocked, when I heard that tiny voice murmuring words I'm afraid to accept.
The title of the song is apt. I'm simply a shell of myself, pretending yet not pretending. I've become that empty mask I wore to conceal the reality, and now I can't find reality anymore.
I've backed myself into a corner filled with shadows, and in the light of the rising sun, I cower away and instead watch the pain ooze out from the pores of my skin to join with the writhing darkness I had entered.
In the words of Half-Pain:
A long time ago, I threw out my brightness
And like the light of the morning sun, it can never return.
Had a sudden urge to blog.
At school now. My thought processes scrambled by my history readings. Yeah I was doing SEA history readings and now my brain cells are like 90% dead. Sigh.
Re-read last night's blog post, and realised that my thought processes weren't very clear then. Haiz. I wonder what's wrong with me. Meh.
It's a strange thing to behold sometimes. Holding up a crystal to the light, you can see the prismatic colors contained within. Ok, prismatic colors just reminded me of BoA's NNA song. After all, Nanairo no Ashita basically translates into "prismatic colors of tomorrow". Doh.
People are like that too. When you hold them up to the light, you can see different aspects of them reflected there. We aren't all just one dimensional cut-outs, there are various facets of our personality that are not readily visible in certain company.
Take me for example. I'm slightly psychotic when I'm in school. Psychotic, as in I babble about BoA and lately, Sailor Moon (x___X;;;) in front of other people. But my life doesn't revolve around these two things, although if you've been reading this blog it seems it does. Hehe.
At home, with my dad and granny, I come across as lazy and self-centered. To my granny, I probably look like I can't be bothered to lift a finger to do things at home. What she can't seem to understand is that I only do what is necessary, and not what I know others can and will take care of. So what if that's selfish? It's just imminently practical from my point of view.
Online, if I'm with people whom I'm only mildly acquainted with, I come across differently to different people. For frivolous people, I come across as fun-loving and BoA-obsessed. For the more serious variety, like iynaix, I'm more serious and toned-down to match their mood. I still tease and crack jokes a lot, but I show my more mature side with greater regularity.
With people that I'm well acquainted with, like Chengwei, Kanai or Grace, I show the darker side of myself more regularly. Either that or I come across looking like the roadrunner on crack. It happens. Especially when I'm gushing about Haruka/Michiru or Rei/Minako. Or just plain old BoA-rants. XD
The one and only time I felt completely different from either my free-wheeling self or my dark depressive self was one night at 3am in the morning when I wrote Endless Rhapsody. The poem itself isn't really that good when you get right down to it, but it embodied something very significant that took place that night.
For a moment, I felt apart. Completely cut off from the real world. I became more and less of a person. As if my sense of self had been completely subsumed, but yet at the same time magnified and amplified with a sense of greater calm overwhelming my body and soul. I was alive, yet not alive in that moment.
It was as if suddenly Huimin didn't exist. Nor did Estrea, Krista, Sephi, Elena, or even Chaos. No, a completely new entity had arisen in me, and I was content. At ease. I was comfortable. Nothing mattered; not other people, not school, not friends, not family, not even life and death itself had a hold on me. I felt free, and so very much alive. It was as if I'd found something I had been looking for all my life, even though I hadn't known what it was.
I had been chatting online with Kanai at that point in time, and when we conversed, it was as if I was speaking from very far away. As I'd mentioned many times before, Kanai has this strange telepathic ability to sense my moods even from half a world away. She immediately noticed a shift in the person she was talking to, and she said so to me. Or the person I was at that point in time.
It felt strange. It was like having an out-of-body experience while still in your body. It was as if all 6 of my other sub-personalities was buried somewhere inside and just watching this new dominant alterego take charge...and they were happy to relinquish control.
When you think about it, it's funny. 6 personalities, plus this new one, equals seven. How many colors are there in a rainbow? And isn't a rainbow essentially the prismatic reflection of light? Heh.
But, as I'd mentioned before, suddenly, that alterego faded away and receded back into whatever chasm it was hiding in previously. And then it was back to struggling with 6 different personalities again. Just when I'd found something strong enough to unite all of the fragmented pieces of me, it decided to run and hide again. Damn it.
But Kanai said that it was scary somehow. That for a moment I was a completely different person. I can't be certain if 'scary' was the word she used then, but it was something along those lines.
I wasn't happy in the traditional meaning of the word, but I was calm and at peace. Like attaining some subtle enlightenment. The feeling was...indescribable. It was like knowing that everything would be ok as long as I remained in that state.
But then it all went away, and I never reclaimed that feeling since then. I tried getting into moods of inspiration, but inspired as I've felt, I've never regained that sense of self-assurance and identity anymore. It was back to being less than a complete person. Like I was missing something.
Except now I know exactly what I'm missing.
]
At school now. My thought processes scrambled by my history readings. Yeah I was doing SEA history readings and now my brain cells are like 90% dead. Sigh.
Re-read last night's blog post, and realised that my thought processes weren't very clear then. Haiz. I wonder what's wrong with me. Meh.
It's a strange thing to behold sometimes. Holding up a crystal to the light, you can see the prismatic colors contained within. Ok, prismatic colors just reminded me of BoA's NNA song. After all, Nanairo no Ashita basically translates into "prismatic colors of tomorrow". Doh.
People are like that too. When you hold them up to the light, you can see different aspects of them reflected there. We aren't all just one dimensional cut-outs, there are various facets of our personality that are not readily visible in certain company.
Take me for example. I'm slightly psychotic when I'm in school. Psychotic, as in I babble about BoA and lately, Sailor Moon (x___X;;;) in front of other people. But my life doesn't revolve around these two things, although if you've been reading this blog it seems it does. Hehe.
At home, with my dad and granny, I come across as lazy and self-centered. To my granny, I probably look like I can't be bothered to lift a finger to do things at home. What she can't seem to understand is that I only do what is necessary, and not what I know others can and will take care of. So what if that's selfish? It's just imminently practical from my point of view.
Online, if I'm with people whom I'm only mildly acquainted with, I come across differently to different people. For frivolous people, I come across as fun-loving and BoA-obsessed. For the more serious variety, like iynaix, I'm more serious and toned-down to match their mood. I still tease and crack jokes a lot, but I show my more mature side with greater regularity.
With people that I'm well acquainted with, like Chengwei, Kanai or Grace, I show the darker side of myself more regularly. Either that or I come across looking like the roadrunner on crack. It happens. Especially when I'm gushing about Haruka/Michiru or Rei/Minako. Or just plain old BoA-rants. XD
The one and only time I felt completely different from either my free-wheeling self or my dark depressive self was one night at 3am in the morning when I wrote Endless Rhapsody. The poem itself isn't really that good when you get right down to it, but it embodied something very significant that took place that night.
For a moment, I felt apart. Completely cut off from the real world. I became more and less of a person. As if my sense of self had been completely subsumed, but yet at the same time magnified and amplified with a sense of greater calm overwhelming my body and soul. I was alive, yet not alive in that moment.
It was as if suddenly Huimin didn't exist. Nor did Estrea, Krista, Sephi, Elena, or even Chaos. No, a completely new entity had arisen in me, and I was content. At ease. I was comfortable. Nothing mattered; not other people, not school, not friends, not family, not even life and death itself had a hold on me. I felt free, and so very much alive. It was as if I'd found something I had been looking for all my life, even though I hadn't known what it was.
I had been chatting online with Kanai at that point in time, and when we conversed, it was as if I was speaking from very far away. As I'd mentioned many times before, Kanai has this strange telepathic ability to sense my moods even from half a world away. She immediately noticed a shift in the person she was talking to, and she said so to me. Or the person I was at that point in time.
It felt strange. It was like having an out-of-body experience while still in your body. It was as if all 6 of my other sub-personalities was buried somewhere inside and just watching this new dominant alterego take charge...and they were happy to relinquish control.
When you think about it, it's funny. 6 personalities, plus this new one, equals seven. How many colors are there in a rainbow? And isn't a rainbow essentially the prismatic reflection of light? Heh.
But, as I'd mentioned before, suddenly, that alterego faded away and receded back into whatever chasm it was hiding in previously. And then it was back to struggling with 6 different personalities again. Just when I'd found something strong enough to unite all of the fragmented pieces of me, it decided to run and hide again. Damn it.
But Kanai said that it was scary somehow. That for a moment I was a completely different person. I can't be certain if 'scary' was the word she used then, but it was something along those lines.
I wasn't happy in the traditional meaning of the word, but I was calm and at peace. Like attaining some subtle enlightenment. The feeling was...indescribable. It was like knowing that everything would be ok as long as I remained in that state.
But then it all went away, and I never reclaimed that feeling since then. I tried getting into moods of inspiration, but inspired as I've felt, I've never regained that sense of self-assurance and identity anymore. It was back to being less than a complete person. Like I was missing something.
Except now I know exactly what I'm missing.
Monday, April 10, 2006
You know, when I start listening to Half-Pain on repeat, something is obviously wrong with me. Either that or I just enjoy listening to this song now.
When I went to bed last night, many thoughts were swirling in my head. So many, in fact, that I barely got an hour or two of sleep. It was like an endless nightmare just floating in my head. Or just wild thoughts becoming a virtual hurricane inside my mindscape.
I've just come into a startling realisation. Re-reading my short piece entitled Human again, I was caught by one line.
Putting on one mask after another, a demon in human skin.
Well, it reminded me of something my fevered thoughts threw at me last night. Something so very vital to my identity.
Over and over again, I have put on many masks. One for every occasion, or so it seemed. So much so, that I have claimed that I've forgotten who I was underneath all the pretenses. In fact, even if you stripped me off all the masks, the false illusions, and laid me bare, I would still be unsure if what lay beneath was the real me. For, truly, I cannot remember the person I was, and I don't understand the person I've become either.
Last night, as I lay tossing and turning in my bed, one thought assaulted me repeatedly. What if all the masks were not, in fact, masks? What if, in playing that perplexing game over the years, I had in fact, grown into my roles? Or to put it bluntly, I've become what I pretended to be?
So, in effect, all those little fragmented pieces of me are very much part of me. I am as much Estrea as I am Huimin. I am Sephi and Elena, and also Krista. Chaos, the manifestation of my darker emotions, is also a vital part of my character. So too, is the little girl I've kept locked inside my heart for so very long. There is no singular "me" anymore, at least not in the traditional sense. All these parts are separate, individual components. In some cases they have started to meld into one another, but yet there are certain parts that remain distinct and apart from the rest.
I can't remember who I was. That part was true when I wrote Human. Try as I hard as I may, I can't remember anything, save for a fleeting smile, or a distant image of a little girl curled up in a chair with a book. I can't remember my beliefs, my outlook, and I've retained just the barest remnants of my old hopes and dreams.
Grace once mentioned that her memories of her past helped to keep her sane in this turbulent future. I am much the same, but the fact is, I'm losing grip on those memories. Those that remain are deeply cherished, but buried so deep within myself that I can't find them easily anymore. It is as if some part of me wishes to suppress those memories, yet another part of me wants desperately to bring them back. In the end, all I have left are random impressions of the past, where everything was warm and happy and where I believed there could be a happily ever after.
My central dilemma of my current existence is the issue of identity. I realise that this is something all teenagers grapple with during puberty and on into early adulthood. But as I'd summarised above, with so many separate identities contained within one self, there has to be a dominant personality, or at least some kind of composite image where all the different identities are expressed in a way.
The problem is, I'm rejecting some parts of myself. Anyone who has read my poem Demon will understand what I feel about Chaos. A demon, a friend, and my most intimate confidant all at the same time. But not "me". Chaos, as much as I hate to admit it, is still a part of me at the end, and I hate the idea. No, it's not that simple. I'm awfully horrified by the notion, yet at the same time absolutely enthralled by the prospect. It's one of those things that make very little sense, even to me.
Trying to come to terms with myself is never an easy task. The phrase "just be yourself" has never been so complicated. Just who am I?
I don't know. No, that's not true. I do know. I know a lot, but I don't understand.
Am I making any sense? Or is everyone 1) deeply confused, 2) fallen asleep, 3) stopped reading or 4) thinking that I'm an idiot?
The one thing I can be sure of myself though, is that I'm a coward. My online personas don't show that side, since its relatively easy to hide that side of myself in virtual reality. But the me in real life? A hopeless, pathetic coward.
I'm afraid of reality. I'm afraid of growing up. I'm afraid of failing, but yet not motivated enough to do something about it. I'm afraid of love, so I end up crushing on the most impossible people, those that I know would never reciprocate. Simply because it's safe to be crushing on them, that I know they won't feel that way about me, and I can pretend to be obsessed with them and so guard myself from falling in love and getting hurt.
You know, I never realised that until I was reading this Sailor Moon fic where Ami crushes on Makoto, Makoto crushes on Minako, Minako crushes on Rei, Rei crushes on Usagi, and Usagi is all happy and oblivious with her Mamo-chan. Ami realises what they were doing though, and in the subsequent unravelling of the plot, Makoto makes a comment to Minako that made me realise what I was doing in my own life. That I was just hiding behind a made-up crush so I couldn't fall in love for real and risk getting hurt. It's odd how epiphanies happen just like that.
Most importantly of course, is that I'm afraid of myself. I think I've discussed this with Chengwei before. We are afraid of what we are capable of. I am afraid of what I can and will do, given the opportunity. I'm afraid of this person I am, the person I'm becoming. The latter is becoming less of an issue, but rest assured, it WAS an issue 3 years ago, and I can fully understand it now, looking back on hindsight.
I don't know who I am. I'm not sure if I want to know. But what I do know, is that I'm absolutely and utterly terrified. Scared of life, scared of death. Scared of others, scared of myself.
Enough of all that demoralising crap. I just downloaded Episode 40 of PGSM. Hehe. Watched it again, and had a burst of inspiration for that romance piece I was writing. Yeah, I'm writing something romantic. That fluffy enough for you yet, Grace? Haha.
I'm rather amazed by my line of thought sometimes. Actually I was planning on writing something short and sweet, with a dose of fluff. So I was brainstorming of possible places. I was thinking about a "quiet" theme, and then an image of a church sprang to mind. With the church image firmly in my head, I went on there to add a girl kneeling in prayer near the front. And so I had someplace to start from, and more or less had somewhere to go with that line.
And then everything went up in the air when the story came to life and took the bit by its teeth and began running away with the plot. Now I'm approaching 2000 words with something that was originally supposed to be something like 1000 words. And from a simple, self-contained story, I ended up with something in the PGSM timeline. *sigh*
Ok, so it was probably coincidence that when I first came up with the church scenario to start off with, it JUST happened to pop into my mind that in PGSM, Minako was in a church praying before her first meeting with Rei. *cough*
And then I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to let Rei come look for her in the church in MY story. Haha. This is set right after Act 49, before the events of the Special Act. Hehe. It just seemed right to add a cute parallel to their first meeting. And the chance to let Minako and Rei take jabs at each other while stubbornly (on Rei's part anyway) refusing to acknowledge that they like each other.
It just so happened that the story decided to take a life of its own (again) and drag the rest of the senshi into the picture. That's what caused the 2000 words part. Haiz. Ami is surprisingly useful in giving the 3rd party's point of view. And what can I say, shy quiet types are fun. Especially when they're geniuses like Ami-chan. XD
The antagonistic relationship between Rei and Minako is so fun to write. Besides, small doses of fluff I can still handle writing. The two of them are so kawaii together. Haiz. Rei made Minako cry in Act 40!!! Or at least, gave her a reason to cry. Gwahahahaha. Ok never mind. I'm being insane here.
Ok I gotta go now. Cya.
]
When I went to bed last night, many thoughts were swirling in my head. So many, in fact, that I barely got an hour or two of sleep. It was like an endless nightmare just floating in my head. Or just wild thoughts becoming a virtual hurricane inside my mindscape.
I've just come into a startling realisation. Re-reading my short piece entitled Human again, I was caught by one line.
Putting on one mask after another, a demon in human skin.
Well, it reminded me of something my fevered thoughts threw at me last night. Something so very vital to my identity.
Over and over again, I have put on many masks. One for every occasion, or so it seemed. So much so, that I have claimed that I've forgotten who I was underneath all the pretenses. In fact, even if you stripped me off all the masks, the false illusions, and laid me bare, I would still be unsure if what lay beneath was the real me. For, truly, I cannot remember the person I was, and I don't understand the person I've become either.
Last night, as I lay tossing and turning in my bed, one thought assaulted me repeatedly. What if all the masks were not, in fact, masks? What if, in playing that perplexing game over the years, I had in fact, grown into my roles? Or to put it bluntly, I've become what I pretended to be?
So, in effect, all those little fragmented pieces of me are very much part of me. I am as much Estrea as I am Huimin. I am Sephi and Elena, and also Krista. Chaos, the manifestation of my darker emotions, is also a vital part of my character. So too, is the little girl I've kept locked inside my heart for so very long. There is no singular "me" anymore, at least not in the traditional sense. All these parts are separate, individual components. In some cases they have started to meld into one another, but yet there are certain parts that remain distinct and apart from the rest.
I can't remember who I was. That part was true when I wrote Human. Try as I hard as I may, I can't remember anything, save for a fleeting smile, or a distant image of a little girl curled up in a chair with a book. I can't remember my beliefs, my outlook, and I've retained just the barest remnants of my old hopes and dreams.
Grace once mentioned that her memories of her past helped to keep her sane in this turbulent future. I am much the same, but the fact is, I'm losing grip on those memories. Those that remain are deeply cherished, but buried so deep within myself that I can't find them easily anymore. It is as if some part of me wishes to suppress those memories, yet another part of me wants desperately to bring them back. In the end, all I have left are random impressions of the past, where everything was warm and happy and where I believed there could be a happily ever after.
My central dilemma of my current existence is the issue of identity. I realise that this is something all teenagers grapple with during puberty and on into early adulthood. But as I'd summarised above, with so many separate identities contained within one self, there has to be a dominant personality, or at least some kind of composite image where all the different identities are expressed in a way.
The problem is, I'm rejecting some parts of myself. Anyone who has read my poem Demon will understand what I feel about Chaos. A demon, a friend, and my most intimate confidant all at the same time. But not "me". Chaos, as much as I hate to admit it, is still a part of me at the end, and I hate the idea. No, it's not that simple. I'm awfully horrified by the notion, yet at the same time absolutely enthralled by the prospect. It's one of those things that make very little sense, even to me.
Trying to come to terms with myself is never an easy task. The phrase "just be yourself" has never been so complicated. Just who am I?
I don't know. No, that's not true. I do know. I know a lot, but I don't understand.
Am I making any sense? Or is everyone 1) deeply confused, 2) fallen asleep, 3) stopped reading or 4) thinking that I'm an idiot?
The one thing I can be sure of myself though, is that I'm a coward. My online personas don't show that side, since its relatively easy to hide that side of myself in virtual reality. But the me in real life? A hopeless, pathetic coward.
I'm afraid of reality. I'm afraid of growing up. I'm afraid of failing, but yet not motivated enough to do something about it. I'm afraid of love, so I end up crushing on the most impossible people, those that I know would never reciprocate. Simply because it's safe to be crushing on them, that I know they won't feel that way about me, and I can pretend to be obsessed with them and so guard myself from falling in love and getting hurt.
You know, I never realised that until I was reading this Sailor Moon fic where Ami crushes on Makoto, Makoto crushes on Minako, Minako crushes on Rei, Rei crushes on Usagi, and Usagi is all happy and oblivious with her Mamo-chan. Ami realises what they were doing though, and in the subsequent unravelling of the plot, Makoto makes a comment to Minako that made me realise what I was doing in my own life. That I was just hiding behind a made-up crush so I couldn't fall in love for real and risk getting hurt. It's odd how epiphanies happen just like that.
Most importantly of course, is that I'm afraid of myself. I think I've discussed this with Chengwei before. We are afraid of what we are capable of. I am afraid of what I can and will do, given the opportunity. I'm afraid of this person I am, the person I'm becoming. The latter is becoming less of an issue, but rest assured, it WAS an issue 3 years ago, and I can fully understand it now, looking back on hindsight.
I don't know who I am. I'm not sure if I want to know. But what I do know, is that I'm absolutely and utterly terrified. Scared of life, scared of death. Scared of others, scared of myself.
Enough of all that demoralising crap. I just downloaded Episode 40 of PGSM. Hehe. Watched it again, and had a burst of inspiration for that romance piece I was writing. Yeah, I'm writing something romantic. That fluffy enough for you yet, Grace? Haha.
I'm rather amazed by my line of thought sometimes. Actually I was planning on writing something short and sweet, with a dose of fluff. So I was brainstorming of possible places. I was thinking about a "quiet" theme, and then an image of a church sprang to mind. With the church image firmly in my head, I went on there to add a girl kneeling in prayer near the front. And so I had someplace to start from, and more or less had somewhere to go with that line.
And then everything went up in the air when the story came to life and took the bit by its teeth and began running away with the plot. Now I'm approaching 2000 words with something that was originally supposed to be something like 1000 words. And from a simple, self-contained story, I ended up with something in the PGSM timeline. *sigh*
Ok, so it was probably coincidence that when I first came up with the church scenario to start off with, it JUST happened to pop into my mind that in PGSM, Minako was in a church praying before her first meeting with Rei. *cough*
And then I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to let Rei come look for her in the church in MY story. Haha. This is set right after Act 49, before the events of the Special Act. Hehe. It just seemed right to add a cute parallel to their first meeting. And the chance to let Minako and Rei take jabs at each other while stubbornly (on Rei's part anyway) refusing to acknowledge that they like each other.
It just so happened that the story decided to take a life of its own (again) and drag the rest of the senshi into the picture. That's what caused the 2000 words part. Haiz. Ami is surprisingly useful in giving the 3rd party's point of view. And what can I say, shy quiet types are fun. Especially when they're geniuses like Ami-chan. XD
The antagonistic relationship between Rei and Minako is so fun to write. Besides, small doses of fluff I can still handle writing. The two of them are so kawaii together. Haiz. Rei made Minako cry in Act 40!!! Or at least, gave her a reason to cry. Gwahahahaha. Ok never mind. I'm being insane here.
Ok I gotta go now. Cya.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Listening to Half-Pain by Bana. It's the ending theme from Witch Hunter Robin.
It's one of the good songs. ^__^ I can identify a little with the lyrics. Yeah I googled for the translation, and why not? Haha. Well, here's the translation.
How far back should I have to go? Tell me.
Everything is so painfully vivid.
The truth is, we couldn't understand each other,
So I left and didn't look back
Fall into a light sleep, it encompasses my very being
I never carry out my promises
So long ago, I threw away my brightness
And like the light from the morning sun, it can never return.
It lies beside this cold heart, frozen
So completely mindless that it persists forever
Numbly, I gather the remnants of my emotions,
And searching for redemption, I...
Fall into a light sleep, on a lonely night
I'm beginning to learn the designs of sorrow
The hiding away of your warm presence
Makes me fear the overflowing darkness.
Fall into a light sleep, it encompasses my very being
I never carry out my promises
So long ago, I threw away my brightness
And like the light from the morning sun, it can never return.
I could identify with this verse the best:
Fall into a light sleep, it encompasses my very being
I never carry out my promises
So long ago, I threw away my brightness
And like the light from the morning sun, it can never return.
It's true, I hardly if ever keep my promises. And I did throw away my brightness, if you think hard enough about it. And I highly doubt that it could ever return. Some things scar too deep to be removed, I'm afraid.
Sure, I have a soft spot for soft toys and, as much as I hate to admit this, fluffy things. Yeah, I like reading fluff. Only for certain pairings though. There are some pairings that should NOT be fluffy in any shape or form. Like Alucard/Seras. If you fluff them up, it seems odd somehow. Part of the charm of that pairing is because it is NOT fluffy. Haha.
In BSSM, fluff is welcome. Same for FFVII. Yuffentine fluff is ridiculously hilarious. And so is Yuffieroth when you get right down to it, but I personally prefer the darker side of the Yuffieroth pairing.
Sigh. *switches songs on WMP* Need a bit of cheering up. Yeah, you got it, I'm listening to C'est la Vie again. XD
Will listen to Kiss Kiss Bang Bang after this. I need the energy level. While BoA's NNA is a really cute song, it still loses out in sheer infectiousness. Hehe. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is just so...so...moronic! I mean the beat. It's just....argh....how to describe...you have to listen to figure out what I mean. Haha.
Oh, I finally gave in and downloaded Romance. It's not quite on the same infectious level as the other two, thank heavens. But...still...LOL. I mean with a starting like I love you baby baby, what do you expect? Haha.
I guess when you see me listening to these three songs on repeat, PLUS L'amour D'amour Moonlight (from seramyu :S), you must know I really need the sugar rush. Haha.
Blah blah blah blah. Whatever. I'll go off now. Bye.
]
It's one of the good songs. ^__^ I can identify a little with the lyrics. Yeah I googled for the translation, and why not? Haha. Well, here's the translation.
How far back should I have to go? Tell me.
Everything is so painfully vivid.
The truth is, we couldn't understand each other,
So I left and didn't look back
Fall into a light sleep, it encompasses my very being
I never carry out my promises
So long ago, I threw away my brightness
And like the light from the morning sun, it can never return.
It lies beside this cold heart, frozen
So completely mindless that it persists forever
Numbly, I gather the remnants of my emotions,
And searching for redemption, I...
Fall into a light sleep, on a lonely night
I'm beginning to learn the designs of sorrow
The hiding away of your warm presence
Makes me fear the overflowing darkness.
Fall into a light sleep, it encompasses my very being
I never carry out my promises
So long ago, I threw away my brightness
And like the light from the morning sun, it can never return.
I could identify with this verse the best:
Fall into a light sleep, it encompasses my very being
I never carry out my promises
So long ago, I threw away my brightness
And like the light from the morning sun, it can never return.
It's true, I hardly if ever keep my promises. And I did throw away my brightness, if you think hard enough about it. And I highly doubt that it could ever return. Some things scar too deep to be removed, I'm afraid.
Sure, I have a soft spot for soft toys and, as much as I hate to admit this, fluffy things. Yeah, I like reading fluff. Only for certain pairings though. There are some pairings that should NOT be fluffy in any shape or form. Like Alucard/Seras. If you fluff them up, it seems odd somehow. Part of the charm of that pairing is because it is NOT fluffy. Haha.
In BSSM, fluff is welcome. Same for FFVII. Yuffentine fluff is ridiculously hilarious. And so is Yuffieroth when you get right down to it, but I personally prefer the darker side of the Yuffieroth pairing.
Sigh. *switches songs on WMP* Need a bit of cheering up. Yeah, you got it, I'm listening to C'est la Vie again. XD
Will listen to Kiss Kiss Bang Bang after this. I need the energy level. While BoA's NNA is a really cute song, it still loses out in sheer infectiousness. Hehe. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is just so...so...moronic! I mean the beat. It's just....argh....how to describe...you have to listen to figure out what I mean. Haha.
Oh, I finally gave in and downloaded Romance. It's not quite on the same infectious level as the other two, thank heavens. But...still...LOL. I mean with a starting like I love you baby baby, what do you expect? Haha.
I guess when you see me listening to these three songs on repeat, PLUS L'amour D'amour Moonlight (from seramyu :S), you must know I really need the sugar rush. Haha.
Blah blah blah blah. Whatever. I'll go off now. Bye.
Well, here's a short update on the little meeting I had with xiaojing and xiaoling. XP
We met up at Tiong on Friday evening. Jing was late by a bit. And someone apparently has found herself a boyfriend. Hehe.
Ate chicken rice, talked a lot. They surprised me with a small cake. Lol. It was great seeing them again. My fears that things wouldn't feel the same when we met were thankfully unfounded. It was as if we went back to the days where we were still in qss. Haha. Except of course, some things have changed. *snigger*
It was so comfortable talking and joking around with them. In comparison, talking with Grace is relaxed, but different. It's a different kind of relaxed. I'm not sure how to explain, but I'm comfortable with them in different ways? Haha. I really missed them. Some jokes are just too good to pass up. Like teasing Jing about her height---or lack thereof. xP
Well that's that for the outing. I was consolidating my poems on my new site. I have 25 in total...at least, 25 that I could find. I'm certain that at least one or two have gone mysteriously missing. Like the poem Unseeing. That thing continues to haunt me 4 years after its demise. Sometimes I regret writing it. I can't remember it exactly, but there's just SOMETHING about the poem that just lingers in my head, with all its vivid imagery of skeletal hands reaching...
Stop. Forget it. I don't need bad dreams. I don't need any more help coming up with nightmares. Much less something that I wrote when I was only 14.
Yet perversely, I want to see it again. Odd eh? Ah well, should stop dwelling on it. I'm tired. Will go sleep now. Night.
]
We met up at Tiong on Friday evening. Jing was late by a bit. And someone apparently has found herself a boyfriend. Hehe.
Ate chicken rice, talked a lot. They surprised me with a small cake. Lol. It was great seeing them again. My fears that things wouldn't feel the same when we met were thankfully unfounded. It was as if we went back to the days where we were still in qss. Haha. Except of course, some things have changed. *snigger*
It was so comfortable talking and joking around with them. In comparison, talking with Grace is relaxed, but different. It's a different kind of relaxed. I'm not sure how to explain, but I'm comfortable with them in different ways? Haha. I really missed them. Some jokes are just too good to pass up. Like teasing Jing about her height---or lack thereof. xP
Well that's that for the outing. I was consolidating my poems on my new site. I have 25 in total...at least, 25 that I could find. I'm certain that at least one or two have gone mysteriously missing. Like the poem Unseeing. That thing continues to haunt me 4 years after its demise. Sometimes I regret writing it. I can't remember it exactly, but there's just SOMETHING about the poem that just lingers in my head, with all its vivid imagery of skeletal hands reaching...
Stop. Forget it. I don't need bad dreams. I don't need any more help coming up with nightmares. Much less something that I wrote when I was only 14.
Yet perversely, I want to see it again. Odd eh? Ah well, should stop dwelling on it. I'm tired. Will go sleep now. Night.
