Monday, April 17, 2006
Relooking my new post at my other blog, I must say I have improved a lot from a year or so ago.
My fatal weakness used to be that I couldn't describe things well. Or mostly, because I tended to forget about describing things because I was so concerned with the rest of the story.
Now, I guess, I've been trying to imagine what's going on as I type in my head, like a movie playing out, with me as the director. It helps, although sometimes its hard not to get sucked into the vortex of emotions the scenes I envision tend to cause. Angsting has never been a very clever way to spend any amount of time.
Been watching Witch Hunter Robin. I like Robin a lot, the whole uber-witch aspect is cool. Plus she has pyrokinetic powers, how cool is that? Or hot, considering she sets things on fire. XD
Plus, WHR has great opening and ending sequences. I've mentioned a few times before that I really liked the OP and ED songs, but taking a closer look at the animation of the opening and ending scenes, I realise I really liked Robin. Especially the opening, where she seems to be trapped and trying to reach out to an unsuspecting Amon. Love the kind of scene there.
Then again, that's no surprise. I've always been attracted to hurt like a moth to a flame. It's an instinctive response of sorts, so much so that I do it automatically before I even realise it consciously. Of course, when I do realise it, I just allow myself a little smile before I dive headlong into it.
Remembering a conversation with Chengwei on Friday night. He always seems to find something to say about me that makes me realise something about myself, or just something that nobody else ever seems to notice or mention. Sometimes its just a passing remark, but I guess I take it to heart.
Anyway, he commented that I tended to gravitate towards social outcasts. Or they gravitate towards me. We even joked about it for a bit. But when I got home, and thought about it, he was right. He always seems to get it right somehow.
I've always been on the outside looking in, as I've mentioned so many times before that I'm sick of it. From my vantage point, its so much easier to see what's going on. Most of the time I just ignore the social dynamics of the others, partly because I'm uninterested, mostly because I know that I would never be part of that, so I rather not hurt myself by watching.
But I tend to see the others. The others who aren't really part of the social circles. Someone who's hanging back just a bit. Or is just there amongst the socialites, playing a part, but not really a part of them. I'm drawn to them, probably due to similarity in circumstances. I guess birds of the same feather do tend to flock together.
In primary school that wasn't so evident. But then again, my reputation as a genius pretty must isolated me from playground activities. I remember joining them on certain occasions in games of tag, but that was only because my best friend (well, ex best friend) was a 'top girl'. XP She was one of those queen bees in the female hierarchy in the school. Yeah, those kinds. And yeah, it starts really early, doesn't it? I guess pack instinct hasn't completely faded from our mentality, no matter how civilised we get. The need to establish a kind of hierarchy, however subtle (or not), is always within the human psyche.
Back to the point though. The whole genius thing in primary school was one thing. I had friends, probably because I was still open then. As a child, I remember my mother telling me to think first before I talk. Largely because I tended to blab off the first thing that came to mind. One of those classic cases of high IQ, low EQ. Hehe.
Of course, now I think too much, and end up not saying anything. Drastic turnaround eh?
I was isolated in primary school due to my intelligence, and mostly due to my lack of tact, now that I think about on hindsight. I can't remember any specific incidents, but I'm sure that my sense of superiority at being smarter than the rest must have shone through quite strongly. I was very arrogant I guess...must have been a brat on some level. Haha.
Of course, than my mom died, and things changed. Well, not in terms of my social circle. It kind of shrank, since people started walking on eggshells around me. I cannot possibly tell you how irritating that is. Kanai knows though. It's like everyone is treating you like you would break at a single touch. It's exasperating.
That might have contributed to my (ahem) lack of tact when it comes to the death of relatives. You see, when someone else I know loses a relative, I don't skirt around the issue as much as most people do. I mean, I try to be tactful (emphasis on try), but most of the time I just go on as if nothing happened. Now, I'm not sure if that works on other people, but I knew that I had wished for other people to behave normally around me in the period after my mother's death. I mean, there's only so much one can take of others around you wincing whenever someone's mouth slips and mentions anything that can be alluded to the word "mother".
Although I must admit, when I hear other people avidly discussing what they are going to do on Mother's Day, I tend to withdraw a little into my shell. Of course, I tend to laugh it off by cracking slightly irreverent jokes about what I could possibly do for my mother now that she's dead. But it still twinges a little, now that I can't actually do anything nice for mom anymore.
On to the matter at hand. In secondary school, I was MOST definitely a social misfit. Maybe I just didn't know how to act. Like I said, my primary school experience most definitely did not involve navigating social channels. Therefore I had little to no experience to deal with the kind of social politicking that went on in a girls' school. The female species are definitely to be feared in this particular arena. Who knew that establishing a social hierarchy could have been so hazardous? I'm almost beginning to sympathise with the male species for that continuing bafflement with female-kind. I'm a girl, and I'm confused. I guess that settles that issue. Although Grace would probably make a smart comment about how "uneducated" I am in the ways of being female. Not that I'm disputing that; she's absolutely right. I've absolutely no idea about being female at all sometimes. I might have a female body, but my mind is hopelessly (and blissfully) unaware of certain subtleties that I should have been aware of. Oh well, it says a lot about my lack of a female role model in my upbringing.
I guess though, it was there in nygh that I started actively gravitating to the "outsiders". Or at least, people outside my immediate social circle...or at least, the people who are outside of the social circle that I'm hovering outside of... I'm not making any sense, am I? Never mind.
Anyway, I guess its a matter of seeking companionship with people who are less interested in trying to backstab you. And making friends with people who don't associate with you on a daily basis (ie. my classmates) means that they don't get to see you screw up, and thus have a more favorable opinion of you.
Yeah that's awfully escapist, and I know it. Running away from problems probably isn't the best way to do things, but I can't really think of anything else. I'm a bit too chicken to stay and face it. Haha.
Then the transfer to qss. I was given a chance to enter the social circle there. I mean, the fact that I came from nygh gave me instant celebrity. I could have been a popular kid...all I had to do was join that circle and be as superficial as them. Chengwei would know what that meant. So would Grace. Heck, Kanai would know too. The three of them always get what I'm saying here.
But I didn't, and went with Wanjing and Qianling instead. Not that they are social outcasts per se, far from it. But they weren't technically in the 'middle of things', so to speak. It was just a quiet, comfortable circle, something that didn't push me out of my comfort zone.
Although I was sure that initially, Jing thought that I would have joined the noisy social circle due to my proximity to Felicia. Haha. I can't remember if I ever asked her, but I think she was surprised that I didn't in the end. I can't even recall how I became friends with Jing at all...except for the fact that she was the one who led me to the class on my first day because the monitress wasn't there, and she being the vice-monitress, had to do the job. I've always wondered how things would have played out if the monitress HAD been there on my first day...I rather suspect things might have gone differently.
Enough of that though. I guess here would be a good time to discuss the outcast thing in qss...which Chengwei probably knows exactly who I'm going to bring up right now. Stop smirking damnit.
Yes, its Erika. Not trying to be mean or anything, and I'm serious about not being mean, Erika was never really part of any circle. She's close to Jamie, and she has some friends in Girl Guides, but she wasn't a part of any group really. To put it bluntly, she was outcast, and I can empathise with that somewhat. My time in nygh wasn't much better, so I'm in a position to know.
I'm not sure why we clicked. We were introduced by a mutual friend (jing), and started talking. I can't even remember what we talked about during those early days. But what I do remember was that she introduced me to the manga she was reading---> Saiyuki. ^__^
She was really nice to me, for reasons I'm not sure why either. I think even Jing was surprised...she said so to me once. So I was rather shocked once when Erika showed her more scathing side to someone else. That's when I realised that she was only nice to people whom she either feels comfortable with, or that she likes. That rule applied to people like me, Jamie, Ling, Audrey, and to a much smaller extent, Qianling. She's cordial with Qianling, but she was never close to her...that much I noticed.
What was it about me that she could have found that made her be comfortable talking with me. Maybe I was ready to listen to her. That could have influenced it somewhat. Thinking back, I think I'm the only one among her circle of friends that actually took any interest in listening to her babble about Saiyuki, and giggle along with her at the funny parts. The others never really got into the whole thing. I suspect that must have added a few points in my favour.
Diverting slightly from the main point, I've always been ready to listen. Of course, nowadays, I'm even more concerned about getting people to listen to me (doesn't always happen but what the heck anyway), but the thing that hasn't changed is that I still like to listen. Maybe I'm just being kaypoh, but on some level somewhere, I liked listening to other people. It lets me learn about them. Although I feel like I'm losing sight of that with the preoccupation with my own problems. I should try to be the good listener I started being even when I was in primary school.
Yes, even then. My then-best friend confided a lot in me. I always listened, and I never told anyone except for my mom, since at that time I wasn't really mature enough to handle other people's problems sensibly. Now that I'm actually somewhat mature enough to handle it, I'm more interested in myself than in others. I'm sort of ashamed about it even as I type this.
So, the whole outcast thing. I have no idea. With Erika, I was comfortable. We always had something to talk about. Even when we had nothing to talk about, it was ok. She would always find something to say, to the point that sometimes she would be monopolising the conversation. Not that I really minded, since I'm not exactly what you would call the most stimulating conversationalist. I'm skilled in babblese, but not in holding random conversations. *lol*
Some people might have been uncomfortable with Erika because of that though. Some people don't like being not in control of a situation. For me, I'm more of a socially passive person...although Grace can testify to my random trips into Babbledom that totally smashes the image of quiet Huimin. Haha.
I'm alright with Erika's sometimes bossiness. She never consciously realises that of course, and I realise that it must tick some people off without her realising it. Yes, Chengwei, I know that she might stumble onto this blog and read what I've been posting about her here. Am I worried that she would be upset with me for saying this about her? Yes, as a matter of fact, I am. Even now I'm still not sure about what I can safely say without pissing her off...but then again she's mellowed a lot, so she doesn't really go up in flames the way she used to back when we were just 15-16 years old.
What I need to say though, is that despite her flaws (we all have them, we're human), I still like her as a friend. She might irritate me sometimes, but everyone irritates everyone else at some point in time. Like the time I got on the wrong side of her at Christmas...I'm still terrified of that ever happening again. I don't want to lose a good friend, and yes Chengwei, despite your reservations about her, she IS a good friend. Flaws and all. But then again, I probably can be more irritating than most people if I really wanted to...flaws, you know. haha.
Erika says I'm her best friend...but truth to tell, I'm hesitant about conferring that title back on her on my part. There, I've finally said it.
For me, the title of "Best Friend" is very special. In modern times, that title of 'best friend' is now so carelessly used. One person can have 5 or 6 best friends at a time. For me, that isn't right somehow. Maybe I'm being old-school, but I believe that one should only have one real Best Friend. The rest can only be considered as good friends, or very good friends. The title of Best Friend should be special...or at least it is to me.
Yeah I'm being old fashioned here. So what?
But why am I not conferring that title onto Erika? She was the first, after all, to get really close to me, the 2nd being Grace. Kanai doesn't really count here, because despite how eerily well she can read me and how well I can click with her, she still isn't actually here with me. She's my best online friend, but I think you can only be real Best Friends if you can put up with each other in real life. Haha. So don't get offended k, konks? XD
*has a sudden brainwave* Gee, how about I call you kiwi? xP Just had a thought. ;)
Anyway, I still haven't actually put anybody in that Best Friend position deep in my heart. Grace comes close, but I wouldn't consider her in that position. She's a very good friend and occasional confidant, but somehow the Best Friend thing doesn't suit her very well...at least that's what it seems to me. No offense to you Gracie, just that something's not right somehow...probably because you like pink so much. :P
As for Erika...maybe its because there are so many things I can't tell her. That I'm not telling her. Even Grace knows more about my secrets than Erika does. So does Chengwei and Kanai, but then again those two probably know just about everything about me between the two of them. Well...almost.
So why am I not telling her? Probably because I'm unsure how she would react. Duh. I can trust the aforementioned 3 people not to judge me by what I reveal to them, but I'm not sure about Erika. If there's one person I can't read very well, its her. I mean, I know her responses when it comes to normal, everyday things (like the time I accurately predicted the exact words she would say after I told her something haha). But when it comes to the deeper stuff, I'm stumped. Totally and completely in the dark.
She's a very guarded person. Like myself, in a sense. Sometimes its scary how much I see myself (the 13 year old me) reflected in her during the times when she was depressed when we only 15 or 16. Now......she's changed. Maybe it was the year we spent apart in different schools. But she's different whenever I visited her. For the better though, so that's good.
Again, digressing slightly from the topic, I'm always rather protective about my friends. Probably because I have so few of them. I would gladly throw myself in harm's way to save them, if I truly consider that person to be a friend. Strange as the concept seems to me, I'm actually quite loyal when it comes to this kind of thing. Quite unlike that disgusting individual I make myself out to be at times. Selfish? Usually...although sometimes I do something totally out of character and be noble instead. Sigh.
That's what I feel about Erika though. Protective. Probably because at one point, I saw myself in her eyes, and that terrified me. I didn't want her to ruin her life the way I did. I didn't want a good friend to wreck their emotional and mental health the way I wrecked mine. I didn't want her to go through what I went through...that kind of trauma shouldn't be inflicted on anybody.
Did I feel pity for her at any point? No. I didn't allow myself to. There were times I verged on feeling that emotion, but I didn't allow myself to. I might not know that much about her, but I know enough to know that she wouldn't have appreciated pity. I know I wouldn't have either. I hated pity, and she would have felt the same.
I feel a bit guilty about revealing so much about her, or at least, my impression of her, here on this blog. It's almost like a betrayal of trust in a sense. But I needed to think it out, let it off my chest. And I think, it was time to let Chengwei know about this. I never really got round to telling him about my impression of Erika, probably because he never really allowed me to...and also because I never really pushed the issue. But I think you were being really unfair to her Chengwei. There's so much you don't know about her, and so much I don't know either. But all I want to say is that, you should rethink your impression of her. Maybe you didn't get to see the better side of her much, but she really isn't as cold as she appears to be at school sometimes.
You know, I'm really idealistic. I can see the good in other people, but somehow, I can never see the good in myself. It's odd. It's like, I want to give other people chances, but I'm never really willing to give myself a chance. It's like what Grace said, I don't love myself enough. I won't go so far to say that I hated myself (although I've felt that way occasionally), I definitely didn't love myself as much as I should.
It's odd really. Here I am pouring out what I think about my something-next-to-best-friend, after years of repressing everything I wanted to say about her.Maybe because I don't dare to discuss this kind of thing in person. It seems easier to type it out. I am a coward after all.
Now that Erika's over in Australia, I don't know what to think. I'm afraid she would change beyond recognition. But a part of me is ready to accept that. Chengwei mentioned in that conversation on Friday that I was able to let things go easily. Too easily I'm afraid.
Suddenly, being able to 拿得起 放得下 seems like a bane instead of a boon. I've always been too ready to give up on a friendship rather than work on maintaining it. It was so easy for me to cut loose...probably because I've always held something back. One part of me is always ready to run away. Run away and never look back.
It's a character flaw. Many times I would rather just drop the relationship instead of trying to make it work out. That's what makes being friends with me hard sometimes. Give me time and distance, and you would never reach me again...unless you managed to show me that you were still willing to be friends. That's provided that you can get me in one place long enough to explain it to me. Hehe.
Of course, I've changed a little from that. Now, I'm more willing to try and maintain a friendship. Probably because my current friends mean more to me than the old ones. Wanjing and Qianling are one of the better people I've met in my life, and I don't want to lose contact with them. Grace is one of the few that can penetrate my shell, so I don't really want to lose her as a friend as well. Chengwei too, and Kanai, fall into this category. I cherish them enough to not want to instinctively run away when things go wrong.
As for Erika...it's ambiguous. She's a very good friend, but of late, I'm beginning to wonder if our friendship is still the same. I haven't seen her much online, and now that she's not in Singapore, I can't just pop over to her house just to hang out like we used to. On one hand, I'm afraid of losing her as a friend, but on the other hand, I'm relieved that she's not here, as it gives me time to work out just exactly where I stand with her. Is she that Best Friend that I'm looking for? Or is that mysterious person still out there? Or somewhere nearby, just that I've never noticed?
You know, one day, I would really want to sit down with Erika and talk. As in, really talk with her. Instead of all that random, unimportant stuff we talk about usually. I want to know more about her. She's changed...and I need to know where and how. Call me a busybody, but that's just the way I am. Curiosity as gotten me into worse trouble before.
Damn. Now I need someone to talk to. As in, talk talk. Not just IM-ing. I'm beginning to understand what Chengwei means when he says he is a phone-and-face-to-face person. IM-ing just can't substitute real human contact. And I can just see Grace going "I told you so" at me right now. Sigh.
Ok, I gotta go to bed now. School tomorrow. I hope I don't get another crazy panic attack like today. It's like what happened back when I was 14. Sheer, undiluted terror. Being afraid of the sun. How I wished the night would last forever! Then I could hide.
Like I always did. Always have. Always will...?
]
My fatal weakness used to be that I couldn't describe things well. Or mostly, because I tended to forget about describing things because I was so concerned with the rest of the story.
Now, I guess, I've been trying to imagine what's going on as I type in my head, like a movie playing out, with me as the director. It helps, although sometimes its hard not to get sucked into the vortex of emotions the scenes I envision tend to cause. Angsting has never been a very clever way to spend any amount of time.
Been watching Witch Hunter Robin. I like Robin a lot, the whole uber-witch aspect is cool. Plus she has pyrokinetic powers, how cool is that? Or hot, considering she sets things on fire. XD
Plus, WHR has great opening and ending sequences. I've mentioned a few times before that I really liked the OP and ED songs, but taking a closer look at the animation of the opening and ending scenes, I realise I really liked Robin. Especially the opening, where she seems to be trapped and trying to reach out to an unsuspecting Amon. Love the kind of scene there.
Then again, that's no surprise. I've always been attracted to hurt like a moth to a flame. It's an instinctive response of sorts, so much so that I do it automatically before I even realise it consciously. Of course, when I do realise it, I just allow myself a little smile before I dive headlong into it.
Remembering a conversation with Chengwei on Friday night. He always seems to find something to say about me that makes me realise something about myself, or just something that nobody else ever seems to notice or mention. Sometimes its just a passing remark, but I guess I take it to heart.
Anyway, he commented that I tended to gravitate towards social outcasts. Or they gravitate towards me. We even joked about it for a bit. But when I got home, and thought about it, he was right. He always seems to get it right somehow.
I've always been on the outside looking in, as I've mentioned so many times before that I'm sick of it. From my vantage point, its so much easier to see what's going on. Most of the time I just ignore the social dynamics of the others, partly because I'm uninterested, mostly because I know that I would never be part of that, so I rather not hurt myself by watching.
But I tend to see the others. The others who aren't really part of the social circles. Someone who's hanging back just a bit. Or is just there amongst the socialites, playing a part, but not really a part of them. I'm drawn to them, probably due to similarity in circumstances. I guess birds of the same feather do tend to flock together.
In primary school that wasn't so evident. But then again, my reputation as a genius pretty must isolated me from playground activities. I remember joining them on certain occasions in games of tag, but that was only because my best friend (well, ex best friend) was a 'top girl'. XP She was one of those queen bees in the female hierarchy in the school. Yeah, those kinds. And yeah, it starts really early, doesn't it? I guess pack instinct hasn't completely faded from our mentality, no matter how civilised we get. The need to establish a kind of hierarchy, however subtle (or not), is always within the human psyche.
Back to the point though. The whole genius thing in primary school was one thing. I had friends, probably because I was still open then. As a child, I remember my mother telling me to think first before I talk. Largely because I tended to blab off the first thing that came to mind. One of those classic cases of high IQ, low EQ. Hehe.
Of course, now I think too much, and end up not saying anything. Drastic turnaround eh?
I was isolated in primary school due to my intelligence, and mostly due to my lack of tact, now that I think about on hindsight. I can't remember any specific incidents, but I'm sure that my sense of superiority at being smarter than the rest must have shone through quite strongly. I was very arrogant I guess...must have been a brat on some level. Haha.
Of course, than my mom died, and things changed. Well, not in terms of my social circle. It kind of shrank, since people started walking on eggshells around me. I cannot possibly tell you how irritating that is. Kanai knows though. It's like everyone is treating you like you would break at a single touch. It's exasperating.
That might have contributed to my (ahem) lack of tact when it comes to the death of relatives. You see, when someone else I know loses a relative, I don't skirt around the issue as much as most people do. I mean, I try to be tactful (emphasis on try), but most of the time I just go on as if nothing happened. Now, I'm not sure if that works on other people, but I knew that I had wished for other people to behave normally around me in the period after my mother's death. I mean, there's only so much one can take of others around you wincing whenever someone's mouth slips and mentions anything that can be alluded to the word "mother".
Although I must admit, when I hear other people avidly discussing what they are going to do on Mother's Day, I tend to withdraw a little into my shell. Of course, I tend to laugh it off by cracking slightly irreverent jokes about what I could possibly do for my mother now that she's dead. But it still twinges a little, now that I can't actually do anything nice for mom anymore.
On to the matter at hand. In secondary school, I was MOST definitely a social misfit. Maybe I just didn't know how to act. Like I said, my primary school experience most definitely did not involve navigating social channels. Therefore I had little to no experience to deal with the kind of social politicking that went on in a girls' school. The female species are definitely to be feared in this particular arena. Who knew that establishing a social hierarchy could have been so hazardous? I'm almost beginning to sympathise with the male species for that continuing bafflement with female-kind. I'm a girl, and I'm confused. I guess that settles that issue. Although Grace would probably make a smart comment about how "uneducated" I am in the ways of being female. Not that I'm disputing that; she's absolutely right. I've absolutely no idea about being female at all sometimes. I might have a female body, but my mind is hopelessly (and blissfully) unaware of certain subtleties that I should have been aware of. Oh well, it says a lot about my lack of a female role model in my upbringing.
I guess though, it was there in nygh that I started actively gravitating to the "outsiders". Or at least, people outside my immediate social circle...or at least, the people who are outside of the social circle that I'm hovering outside of... I'm not making any sense, am I? Never mind.
Anyway, I guess its a matter of seeking companionship with people who are less interested in trying to backstab you. And making friends with people who don't associate with you on a daily basis (ie. my classmates) means that they don't get to see you screw up, and thus have a more favorable opinion of you.
Yeah that's awfully escapist, and I know it. Running away from problems probably isn't the best way to do things, but I can't really think of anything else. I'm a bit too chicken to stay and face it. Haha.
Then the transfer to qss. I was given a chance to enter the social circle there. I mean, the fact that I came from nygh gave me instant celebrity. I could have been a popular kid...all I had to do was join that circle and be as superficial as them. Chengwei would know what that meant. So would Grace. Heck, Kanai would know too. The three of them always get what I'm saying here.
But I didn't, and went with Wanjing and Qianling instead. Not that they are social outcasts per se, far from it. But they weren't technically in the 'middle of things', so to speak. It was just a quiet, comfortable circle, something that didn't push me out of my comfort zone.
Although I was sure that initially, Jing thought that I would have joined the noisy social circle due to my proximity to Felicia. Haha. I can't remember if I ever asked her, but I think she was surprised that I didn't in the end. I can't even recall how I became friends with Jing at all...except for the fact that she was the one who led me to the class on my first day because the monitress wasn't there, and she being the vice-monitress, had to do the job. I've always wondered how things would have played out if the monitress HAD been there on my first day...I rather suspect things might have gone differently.
Enough of that though. I guess here would be a good time to discuss the outcast thing in qss...which Chengwei probably knows exactly who I'm going to bring up right now. Stop smirking damnit.
Yes, its Erika. Not trying to be mean or anything, and I'm serious about not being mean, Erika was never really part of any circle. She's close to Jamie, and she has some friends in Girl Guides, but she wasn't a part of any group really. To put it bluntly, she was outcast, and I can empathise with that somewhat. My time in nygh wasn't much better, so I'm in a position to know.
I'm not sure why we clicked. We were introduced by a mutual friend (jing), and started talking. I can't even remember what we talked about during those early days. But what I do remember was that she introduced me to the manga she was reading---> Saiyuki. ^__^
She was really nice to me, for reasons I'm not sure why either. I think even Jing was surprised...she said so to me once. So I was rather shocked once when Erika showed her more scathing side to someone else. That's when I realised that she was only nice to people whom she either feels comfortable with, or that she likes. That rule applied to people like me, Jamie, Ling, Audrey, and to a much smaller extent, Qianling. She's cordial with Qianling, but she was never close to her...that much I noticed.
What was it about me that she could have found that made her be comfortable talking with me. Maybe I was ready to listen to her. That could have influenced it somewhat. Thinking back, I think I'm the only one among her circle of friends that actually took any interest in listening to her babble about Saiyuki, and giggle along with her at the funny parts. The others never really got into the whole thing. I suspect that must have added a few points in my favour.
Diverting slightly from the main point, I've always been ready to listen. Of course, nowadays, I'm even more concerned about getting people to listen to me (doesn't always happen but what the heck anyway), but the thing that hasn't changed is that I still like to listen. Maybe I'm just being kaypoh, but on some level somewhere, I liked listening to other people. It lets me learn about them. Although I feel like I'm losing sight of that with the preoccupation with my own problems. I should try to be the good listener I started being even when I was in primary school.
Yes, even then. My then-best friend confided a lot in me. I always listened, and I never told anyone except for my mom, since at that time I wasn't really mature enough to handle other people's problems sensibly. Now that I'm actually somewhat mature enough to handle it, I'm more interested in myself than in others. I'm sort of ashamed about it even as I type this.
So, the whole outcast thing. I have no idea. With Erika, I was comfortable. We always had something to talk about. Even when we had nothing to talk about, it was ok. She would always find something to say, to the point that sometimes she would be monopolising the conversation. Not that I really minded, since I'm not exactly what you would call the most stimulating conversationalist. I'm skilled in babblese, but not in holding random conversations. *lol*
Some people might have been uncomfortable with Erika because of that though. Some people don't like being not in control of a situation. For me, I'm more of a socially passive person...although Grace can testify to my random trips into Babbledom that totally smashes the image of quiet Huimin. Haha.
I'm alright with Erika's sometimes bossiness. She never consciously realises that of course, and I realise that it must tick some people off without her realising it. Yes, Chengwei, I know that she might stumble onto this blog and read what I've been posting about her here. Am I worried that she would be upset with me for saying this about her? Yes, as a matter of fact, I am. Even now I'm still not sure about what I can safely say without pissing her off...but then again she's mellowed a lot, so she doesn't really go up in flames the way she used to back when we were just 15-16 years old.
What I need to say though, is that despite her flaws (we all have them, we're human), I still like her as a friend. She might irritate me sometimes, but everyone irritates everyone else at some point in time. Like the time I got on the wrong side of her at Christmas...I'm still terrified of that ever happening again. I don't want to lose a good friend, and yes Chengwei, despite your reservations about her, she IS a good friend. Flaws and all. But then again, I probably can be more irritating than most people if I really wanted to...flaws, you know. haha.
Erika says I'm her best friend...but truth to tell, I'm hesitant about conferring that title back on her on my part. There, I've finally said it.
For me, the title of "Best Friend" is very special. In modern times, that title of 'best friend' is now so carelessly used. One person can have 5 or 6 best friends at a time. For me, that isn't right somehow. Maybe I'm being old-school, but I believe that one should only have one real Best Friend. The rest can only be considered as good friends, or very good friends. The title of Best Friend should be special...or at least it is to me.
Yeah I'm being old fashioned here. So what?
But why am I not conferring that title onto Erika? She was the first, after all, to get really close to me, the 2nd being Grace. Kanai doesn't really count here, because despite how eerily well she can read me and how well I can click with her, she still isn't actually here with me. She's my best online friend, but I think you can only be real Best Friends if you can put up with each other in real life. Haha. So don't get offended k, konks? XD
*has a sudden brainwave* Gee, how about I call you kiwi? xP Just had a thought. ;)
Anyway, I still haven't actually put anybody in that Best Friend position deep in my heart. Grace comes close, but I wouldn't consider her in that position. She's a very good friend and occasional confidant, but somehow the Best Friend thing doesn't suit her very well...at least that's what it seems to me. No offense to you Gracie, just that something's not right somehow...probably because you like pink so much. :P
As for Erika...maybe its because there are so many things I can't tell her. That I'm not telling her. Even Grace knows more about my secrets than Erika does. So does Chengwei and Kanai, but then again those two probably know just about everything about me between the two of them. Well...almost.
So why am I not telling her? Probably because I'm unsure how she would react. Duh. I can trust the aforementioned 3 people not to judge me by what I reveal to them, but I'm not sure about Erika. If there's one person I can't read very well, its her. I mean, I know her responses when it comes to normal, everyday things (like the time I accurately predicted the exact words she would say after I told her something haha). But when it comes to the deeper stuff, I'm stumped. Totally and completely in the dark.
She's a very guarded person. Like myself, in a sense. Sometimes its scary how much I see myself (the 13 year old me) reflected in her during the times when she was depressed when we only 15 or 16. Now......she's changed. Maybe it was the year we spent apart in different schools. But she's different whenever I visited her. For the better though, so that's good.
Again, digressing slightly from the topic, I'm always rather protective about my friends. Probably because I have so few of them. I would gladly throw myself in harm's way to save them, if I truly consider that person to be a friend. Strange as the concept seems to me, I'm actually quite loyal when it comes to this kind of thing. Quite unlike that disgusting individual I make myself out to be at times. Selfish? Usually...although sometimes I do something totally out of character and be noble instead. Sigh.
That's what I feel about Erika though. Protective. Probably because at one point, I saw myself in her eyes, and that terrified me. I didn't want her to ruin her life the way I did. I didn't want a good friend to wreck their emotional and mental health the way I wrecked mine. I didn't want her to go through what I went through...that kind of trauma shouldn't be inflicted on anybody.
Did I feel pity for her at any point? No. I didn't allow myself to. There were times I verged on feeling that emotion, but I didn't allow myself to. I might not know that much about her, but I know enough to know that she wouldn't have appreciated pity. I know I wouldn't have either. I hated pity, and she would have felt the same.
I feel a bit guilty about revealing so much about her, or at least, my impression of her, here on this blog. It's almost like a betrayal of trust in a sense. But I needed to think it out, let it off my chest. And I think, it was time to let Chengwei know about this. I never really got round to telling him about my impression of Erika, probably because he never really allowed me to...and also because I never really pushed the issue. But I think you were being really unfair to her Chengwei. There's so much you don't know about her, and so much I don't know either. But all I want to say is that, you should rethink your impression of her. Maybe you didn't get to see the better side of her much, but she really isn't as cold as she appears to be at school sometimes.
You know, I'm really idealistic. I can see the good in other people, but somehow, I can never see the good in myself. It's odd. It's like, I want to give other people chances, but I'm never really willing to give myself a chance. It's like what Grace said, I don't love myself enough. I won't go so far to say that I hated myself (although I've felt that way occasionally), I definitely didn't love myself as much as I should.
It's odd really. Here I am pouring out what I think about my something-next-to-best-friend, after years of repressing everything I wanted to say about her.Maybe because I don't dare to discuss this kind of thing in person. It seems easier to type it out. I am a coward after all.
Now that Erika's over in Australia, I don't know what to think. I'm afraid she would change beyond recognition. But a part of me is ready to accept that. Chengwei mentioned in that conversation on Friday that I was able to let things go easily. Too easily I'm afraid.
Suddenly, being able to 拿得起 放得下 seems like a bane instead of a boon. I've always been too ready to give up on a friendship rather than work on maintaining it. It was so easy for me to cut loose...probably because I've always held something back. One part of me is always ready to run away. Run away and never look back.
It's a character flaw. Many times I would rather just drop the relationship instead of trying to make it work out. That's what makes being friends with me hard sometimes. Give me time and distance, and you would never reach me again...unless you managed to show me that you were still willing to be friends. That's provided that you can get me in one place long enough to explain it to me. Hehe.
Of course, I've changed a little from that. Now, I'm more willing to try and maintain a friendship. Probably because my current friends mean more to me than the old ones. Wanjing and Qianling are one of the better people I've met in my life, and I don't want to lose contact with them. Grace is one of the few that can penetrate my shell, so I don't really want to lose her as a friend as well. Chengwei too, and Kanai, fall into this category. I cherish them enough to not want to instinctively run away when things go wrong.
As for Erika...it's ambiguous. She's a very good friend, but of late, I'm beginning to wonder if our friendship is still the same. I haven't seen her much online, and now that she's not in Singapore, I can't just pop over to her house just to hang out like we used to. On one hand, I'm afraid of losing her as a friend, but on the other hand, I'm relieved that she's not here, as it gives me time to work out just exactly where I stand with her. Is she that Best Friend that I'm looking for? Or is that mysterious person still out there? Or somewhere nearby, just that I've never noticed?
You know, one day, I would really want to sit down with Erika and talk. As in, really talk with her. Instead of all that random, unimportant stuff we talk about usually. I want to know more about her. She's changed...and I need to know where and how. Call me a busybody, but that's just the way I am. Curiosity as gotten me into worse trouble before.
Damn. Now I need someone to talk to. As in, talk talk. Not just IM-ing. I'm beginning to understand what Chengwei means when he says he is a phone-and-face-to-face person. IM-ing just can't substitute real human contact. And I can just see Grace going "I told you so" at me right now. Sigh.
Ok, I gotta go to bed now. School tomorrow. I hope I don't get another crazy panic attack like today. It's like what happened back when I was 14. Sheer, undiluted terror. Being afraid of the sun. How I wished the night would last forever! Then I could hide.
Like I always did. Always have. Always will...?
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