Aeternus, Eternus

I'm a sadist.

I just posted something on my other blog. It was nice and bloody.

Nero watched Rome burn. Heh. So did my character. Not Rome, but the city he grew up in.

Maybe I'm feeling unhinged too. As unhinged as him.

A toast.
For weddings, funerals, memorable events.
He watches as the city burns, and drinks a toast.
For is it not a memorable event?

I need counselling. Desperately. Heh.

If life were a dream, mine would be a nightmare.

I'm feeling irritated at the moment. Not entirely sure why or what about, but the fact is I am irritated. Damnit.

It's one of those feelings that make me want to bite something. It's almost feral in nature. Yeah, so what if I'm feeling somewhat aggressive?

Something in me is calling out for blood, and I'm not sure how to react to that.

GGXX again? It might help. But not now. Not now. Not when...

...forget it.

If there are types of characters that I'm attracted to, it's definitely the feral type. You know, the wild ones. I love making up wild characters. It's liberating.

Then there are the cool as cucumber types. The ones that don't get ruffled no matter what. Cool customers are the best.

Then the fallen angel type. I love those. Corrupted, stained, bleeding, in pain.

What am I doing? Not sure. Bloodlust. I need to bite something. Someone. Ugh.

Heaven doesn't want me, Hell won't accept me.

YOUR IQ IS 129!

You've got a very experiential way of learning and a strong mathematical mind and you have mastered the art and science of precision. That's what makes you a Precision Processor. For you, life is a series of equations.

Your brain is naturally predisposed to intense mathematical acuity, so it's second nature for you to cut to the heart of an issue, to discover quick solutions while others get bogged down in unnecessary details. This allows you to communicate a variety of ideas to other people, so don't keep it to yourself.


Well I got that off taking an IQ test. Maybe I should have been in Science stream instead eh?

Seems I have gotten a little smarter. Last time I took was 126. ^__^

I noticed one line that I realised in secondary school about myself, that is, "to discover quick solutions while others get bogged down in unnecessary details". I figured that out while doing E Maths. I just jumped straight from conception to conclusion, which irritated my Math teacher to no end. Apparently I was supposed to follow a series of steps to reach the answer, but I found very little use for the steps and just leapt from A to B without worrying about the intermediate steps.

If there's one thing about life that I've discovered, its that everyone is bogged down in unnecessary details. They can't seem to see the clear bright line from A to B, and insist on taking the well worn and circuitous route to the answer when all you have to do is hop over the little patch of field between you and your goal. Why does no one ever see that, I have no idea. Maybe they just can't.

I've always been obsessed with logic. But being female, I know what it means to rely on instinct, but I usually try to back up instinct with logic. Sometimes that works, other times it just confuses the issue. I try to minimise the realm for confusion as much as possible, but there is only so much I can do. Logic can be utterly irritating at times.

I've always been above average for intelligence. Not spectacularly so, but slightly above normal. I'm not sure why I have this IQ but somehow manage to screw my life up. I think it boils down to the fact that I'm just lazy. Or at least, my aspirations have nothing to do with the real world. That's just sad, and to the pragmatic-minded, it's a waste of talent.


Intelligence Interval <------> Cognitive Designation <------> Common Possessors
85 - 114_________________ Average________________ Pupils at junior high school
115 - 124________________ Above average___________ Pupils at senior high school
125 - 134________________ Gifted__________________ University graduates
135 - 144________________ Highly gifted_____________ Intellectuals
145 - 154________________ Genius __________________Professors
155 - 164________________ Genius__________________ Nobel Prize Winners
165 - 179________________ High genius
180 - 200________________ Highest genius
>200___________________ "Unmeasurable" genius


See there. I fall in the gifted range. I told you I wasn't weird, just gifted. Heh.

And the best part? I'm ahead of my time. It says that that level of intellect is achieved usually around university graduate level. I'm only at JC, or high school. And people wonder why I feel like a fish out of water talking with people my age. I simply can't connect with them on an intellectual level, emotionally maybe, but otherwise? Not that many people hit the standard.

It might be interesting to note that I registered an IQ score of 132 at my highest once. That was when I was 13 or 14 I guess. I seem to have regressed. Hmm.

But IQ isn't everything. I know that. I'm intelligent enough to realise that success, by material terms, requires hard work and a bit of luck to come your way......not to mention the presence of mind to actually spot the luck coming your way and taking hold of it. I've never had the presence of mind, and I abhore hard work. Therefore I'll never succeed. Oh the joy.

What am I posting for? No reason. Except to rub it in that I have an IQ of 129 maybe. Doesn't matter. What matters anyway? Just the test grades eh? Nothing but that miserable piece of paper to determine the entire course of your future...somewhat anyway.

Cynical? Perhaps. But I haven't yet been proven wrong. It would take a miracle to restore my faith in humanity. Oh, I know there are good people out there. But the world is a corrupt place, and these people are few and far between. Goodness seems hardly a virtue in a cruel world. But we should be good anyway, eh?

May Fortune favor the bold.

Well that's a really tough question. The North Korea question has been a potential flashpoint in the East Asian region for years. I hardly think that by leaving them alone (which the USA seems to be increasingly seeming to do, except on the nuclear issue), they will collapse just like the Soviet Union. North Korea hasn't collapsed on its own after so many years, what makes you think they will now?

Sanctions obviously do not work, if anything, they only give fuel to the propaganda machine for the state to claim that the 'evil' outsiders are oppressing them or something like that. But giving aid isn't really working either, since very little of the aid actually trickles down to the population at all.

Diplomacy as a tool to try and force reform isn't really working, largely because of the division between the negotiating party on the other side. Besides, there is the nuclear issue, which grants North Korea a considerable leveraging tool in any negotiation. Talks to try and disarm them, I believe, will not be of much use, since Kim Jong Il knows that the only thing that he can leverage on is the nuclear arms that he probably has, and he will milk it for all its worth to gain advantage for his position.

After all that doom and gloom of methods that would not work, I tentatively propose something that might, at the very least, inspire some possibility for change in the country.

South Korea, as reported in the news, has been trying to reconcile with its northern neighbour of late. Granted, all the whitewashing of North Korea's human rights abuses and other misdeeds isn't exactly to my taste, but it does offer an avenue for possible change. With the hope that the building of closer ties between North and South Korea, it is entirely possible that democratic influences might find its way into the communist state as a result.

I grant that a close relationship between North and South Korea may be a double-edged sword, since it is entirely possible that subversives from the North may try to undermine the South. It is fragile ground to tread upon, this trying to bridge the gap in North-South relations. But one can hope that if carefully managed, the South can influence the people of the North to agitate for reform and maybe create real possibility for change instead of the stagnant state of affairs that has lasted since the 1950s.

Note that China, itself a communist state, had opened itself, if only marginally and at a gradual pace, to the outside world for economic purposes. Inevitably that has led to some political reform, not much per se, but enough to be slightly encouraging.

North Korea has survived so long as a communist state due to its complete closure to outside influences. If South Korea manages to breach the Hermit Kingdom and show the people in there real hope beyond their circumstances, perhaps there may be cause for change. This is especially true if South Korea supports any possible uprising for change and reform within North Korea itself, should the opportunity arise.

I realise that the whole concept is a little idealistic, but it is a plausible solution, as far as I can tell from my limited point of view. If North Korea is to experience real change, it has to begin with the people themselves. No outside power can just rush in and force change, especially not when the hostile state in question has nuclear arms at its command. I personally don't believe talks will create real improvement in the lives of the ordinary people in North Korea. It might help a little, but not enough to cause real change.

Change has to start from the bottom when the top is unwilling. That's what I think, and that's the best hope for North Koreans too. We from the outside can aid them as much as we can, but real change will have to start from the people themselves. Just my two cents on the topic.

A little thesis on North Korea. Damn I love talking about politics. I just adore regional and international issues. Diplomacy is a fun game. Even if its crazy. Heh. Now, if only I could analyse History topics as well as this....

But the good thing about taking History is that I learnt a lot about what happened before and why. It helps me understand current affairs. Heh. Who says History isn't relevant to the present and the future?

We're apostles that aren't. Believers that don't believe. Followers that don't follow. Visionaries that can't see. We're servants of the Death, every one of us. And we await our Lord's forgiveness. We defeat His enemies, yielding the sword in the shadows of the night, poisoning the dinner. We're killers just like Judas Iscariot!

We sold our God for thirty silver coins; we put an end to our lives hanging ourselves with a rope. Together we have fallen to the deepest pits of Hell. Together we rose and formed an army. We'll fight against the 7,405,926 demons of Hell until the Final Judgment Day!

I just adore the Iscariot Division, or Section XIII, as they are also known.

If they did exist, I would join them. Because that's what I am. A believer that doesn't believe. A follower that doesn't follow.

So too, a visionary that cannot see. Ironic, isn't it?

I await the Lord's forgiveness, but know that I will be condemned to Hell for my sins, just like Judas Iscariot before me. It is...inevitable.

Judas Iscariot is probably one of the most maligned characters in the Bible. He keeps getting portrayed as the bad guy, which he probably is, since he did betray Jesus for 30 silver coins. However, one fails to realise that he is necessary. His act of betrayal sets in motion the chain of events that lead to Jesus dying on the cross, and subsequently His ressurection.

I'm not saying that Judas did a good thing. He did a very bad thing indeed, and he is forever consigned to the flames of Hell for his misdeed. But yet, it was his misdeed that gave humanity its greatest gift of salvation. Judas Iscariot, in effect, served the Lord in his own little way and ended up in Hell for it. Interesting contrast, wouldn't you say?

We all serve God in our own ways. Even the Devil is there for a reason. I have a somewhat cynical view of why the Devil is necessary, but I won't air them here. Suffice to say though, Lucifer and his minions are somehow necessary to the greater cause. I know not what it is, only that it is probably there for a reason.

I came by this line of thought when I contrasted the fate of Zedar in the Belgariad by David Eddings with Judas Iscariot. Zedar, in the book, betrayed his Master and joined the other side. This alludes to the Biblical example of how Judas Iscariot betrays Jesus.

Also, in the book, Zedar ends up being the one who finds Eriond, who (*MAJOR SPOILER for Mallorean!!*) turns out to be the true God of Angarak and the one who will unite the world in peace and harmony under his rule. Kinda sounds familiar to what our Lord Jesus Christ is supposed to do eh? I knew David Eddings had inserted mythical fishhooks intended to grip the reader, but to steal from the Bible...? Wicked cool! XD

Oh yeah, a final word. Zedar ends up being entombed alive in stone under the ruins of Cthol Mishrak after that fateful battle at the end of the Belgariad. That's his reward for finding mankind's salvation in the form of Eriond. Judas Iscariot ends up in Hell for setting in motion events that would pave the way to Jesus's death and ressurection, an event which pays for the sins of mankind. Anyone who hasn't seen the connection by now ought to be shot immediately.

I'm not sure if there was any point to discussing Judas's role in the Bible the way I have, but it was just an alternative view that I thought would be interesting. You would think that judging by the way I argued my case, that I would be a believer in Christ. But there is only one thing I have to say about that, and I've said it in the opening paragraph of this post.

We're apostles that aren't. Believers that don't believe. Followers that don't follow. Visionaries that can't see.

I would like to highlight the phrase 'believers that don't believe'. Because that's what I am. I believe, but yet I don't. I'm damned just like Judas Iscariot, because in my own way, I have betrayed the Lord by turning my back deliberately on His loving grace.

So, pretty much, I'm going to Hell when I die. Some twisted part of me welcomes that fact. Another part of me cries out for salvation, a part I deny with my last breath. But it is there nevertheless. I can't get rid of it, since it is a part of me as much as my soul is a part of me.

It's odd how calm I am about this. I believe I am necessary, but I don't really think that my going to Hell is a necessity, even though I'm doing it anyway. We are all cogs in a great machine, pawns across a greater chessboard. We're all part of something we don't understand, no matter how much we try.

For how can a pawn see the greater board upon which it is played? How indeed, can the blinkered horse see beyond what it is allowed to see by the rider that guides it? It is just so that we are similarly confined, and though some can see, if only marginally, none of us can truly grasp the whole.

The greater truth that all of us reach towards, consciously or unconsciously, is thus obscured. For we are only human, and from dust we are made, and so whence we will return, flawed as we are.

Amen.

Lord, C'est La Vie is ridiculously addictive. And Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is almost just as bad.

Normally, I'm turned off by overly cute voices, but for some reason, this isn't annoying me one bit. Crap lah. Especially when it comes to the chorus for C'est La Vie. I have this urge to dance along with them. Augh. And the opening for that song makes me just want to sway from side to side.

Let's just all be infinitely glad that I didn't download Romance. Because that song has the cheesiest dance routine I have ever seen. And the worst part? It has the same addictive beat as C'est La Vie. I caught myself humming it earlier while I was humming to C'est La Vie. Oh dear. Maybe its a good thing I didn't download it after all. It might have caused me to do that ridiculously dumb dance routine.

I'm going to bed after this, since there's school tomorrow. Ugh, school. I can only hope the sheer absurdity of my current situation will tide me over any potential low points that may occur tomorrow.

Personally I feel I may be watching too many japan-based shows. Because I'm starting to say English with a funny Japanese accent. No offense, but I think its corrupting my already bad pronunciation. Sigh.

For some reason, an image of Ami from PGSM just popped into my head. You know, from the special act where she's an intern at a hospital in America. There's the part where she finds out that there's trouble back in Japan and she needs to go back to help Usagi. And then she just dashes down the corridor towards the exit. It's the following conversation in English that happens during that time that I found amusing.

Fellow Doctor: Ami, the operating room is this way. [points in opposite direction of where Ami is running]
Ami: But this is the way back to Japan! [runs off]

Lol. I always found that part damn amusing. And also Minako's reaction to the same news when she's in her limo in England heading to a recording.

Minako: Turn around and go to Heathrow Airport right now.
Bodyguard: But you have a recording now!
Minako: Cancel it.

The the limo screeches across the lanes in a crazy U-turn, probably breaking a few traffic rules in the process. Haha.

Oh and there's the part where Minako reaches Narita Airport and is heading to find Makoto and Luna to get that fancy sword thingy, but gets ambushed by these weird clowns. The best part is that she never gets ruffled at all by the appearance of the clowns. She's probably seen and fought worse haha. But problem is, she isn't transformed. But there she is, just holding Artemis in the crook of her arm, and looking oh so cool while her bodyguards look kinda freaked out. And then her bodyguards kinda get trashed by the clowns. And when this clown rushes at her brandishing two swords, she just stands there calmly and then just lets loose with a kick when the clown is in range, sending him flying into a wall. And the wall cracked. Haha.

And let's just remember, she isn't even transformed yet. Haha.

Then she just turns around with this cool look on her face and addresses the rest of the clowns, who all look kind of intimidated. So intimidated, that they all step aside to let her and her bodyguards through. Lol. And Artemis says...

Artemis: Mou....so typical of you Minako.

And Minako just smiles. Hehe. Take note that she's wearing a miniskirt and boots. How the heck she managed that kick in a miniskirt is completely beyond me. But then again, the same can be said of all the Sailor Senshi in the anime and manga. They fight in miniskirts too after all. Hehe.

Btw, I find it amusing that when Minako and Rei finally refer to each other by their real names (ie. Minako calling Rei "Rei" instead of Mars, and Rei calling her "Minako" instead of Venus), the other party is never around to hear it. Rei first calls Minako by her name the first time she realises that Minako is Aino Minako, the famous pop idol. But after that, when Venus's identity is exposed, she never calls her Minako anymore, using only Princess (until Usagi is revealed as the true princess) or Venus. The only time she calls Minako by her real name is after that climatic scene where she burns a youma down to ashes after finding out about Minako's death before collapsing in grief and calling out Minako's name.

And Minako only calls Rei either Mars or Mars Reiko. Haha. The only exception is the special act, where Rei is injured in hospital and unable to join them in pulling out the sword thing that would allow them to transform for a day. And Minako is surprisingly (or not :P) the one who says something when Makoto voices concern that it might not work because Rei is not with them. It was something like this.

Minako: It will work, because Rei's heart is with us, no matter where she is.

Hmmm! Haha. I always found that sort of significant since she's the one who says it, not Ami or Makoto, who are arguably supposed to be closer to Rei than Minako reputedly is. Hehe. And let's not forget when Artemis tells them that Minako hasn't returned from the pre-surgery exam, Makoto worries that Minako would have chickened out of the surgery. But Rei immediately defends her, saying she would never do that. And here we thought they had an antagonistic relationship eh? Hehe.

Ok I gotta stop analysing their relationship. Hehe. Gotta go sleep now. Night!

I can't save them, can't save anyone.
My comrades, my partners, my friends.
They're out there, and they're crying.
Crying out for me, and I'm not there.
Not there to save them, not in time to help.
And I'm so alone, because I can't reach them.
I can hear their screams, but I can't find them.
Their pleas ring in my ears, and I weep from my prison.
Because I can't save them, can't save myself.
I cry for them, but I also cry for myself.
For they are dying, one by one.
And I with them, piece by piece of a shattered soul.

Written for a fictious character. I was thinking of the connection between the clones and the original, except this runs a lot deeper. Largely due to the unusual genetic makeup of the ones in question. Hn. Rayne's always been the martyr. Raven, however, is not. Interesting to see how things turn out in the end.

Listening to PGSM's C'est La Vie sung by Aino Minako/Sailor Venus/Komatsu Ayaka. Lol.

It's disturbingly addictive, just like the whole series of PGSM. And its super catchy lah. Haiz.

Would you believe that I spent an hour or more staring at random videos of the actresses in PGSM in their photoshoots. Bikini photoshoots, to be exact. Haha. Mostly I watched Komatsu Ayaka. She's pretty in a cute schoolgirl sort of way, but when she pouts...hmm. Interesting really.

I'm beginning to wonder if the whole BSSM craze is just a phase. I'm quite addicted to the franchise. Ugh. It's all Kanai's fault for telling me about PGSM. Haha.

Now, should I start going after the Seramyu? I pretty much know what goes on in the manga and the anime, and also the live action. Now the only territory left unexplored is the musicals. Oh dear. I am becoming a fangirl, aren't I? If I'm not one already, that is.

Ok I need to go finish off the rest of my lunch. I kinda stopped halfway to come back to watch videos. Lol. Til later then. ^^

For a moment I was tempted to post a "why does my life suck" blog post.

But then decided against it. Because my life doesn't suck that badly today.

Been reading other people's blogs. Well, not that many other people's. Just the usual crew: Grace, Chengwei and Wanjing. I don't read other people's, for reasons that shall remain unspecified.

Reading Jing's blog, I realise how much we have drifted apart. I mean, we used to be pretty good friends. Not best of friends or anything, but still close enough. But now, I realise that I barely know her. She's changed. We all have changed, but I think hers is the most obvious. And somehow that makes me sad?

I wonder if it would ever be the same again when we meet up. I doubt it would be. I don't recognise her anymore. It's strange. JC does weird things to us.

I doubt I have changed that much fundamentally. Grace claims that I'm more open now, which might well be true. And if it is, it is a pretty big step forward.

Oh and I'm more drama now. Too much hanging out with Grace and Lester. Haiz. But its fun. ^^

But basically, I wonder, have I really changed? Or is it just a case of, the more we change, the more we stay the same?

It's a complicated issue.

I read another Rei/Minako one shot fic earlier. It was so poignant. The parts where they were talking about each other...god...I could so identify with that. Here are some quotes from the fic I want to discuss.

She wants someone to see her. That’s why she builds the walls around herself and created this false image. She wants someone to be able to break the shield around herself that keeps everyone out but also keeps herself in. It’s killing her being seen but never understood.

Lord. That's me. That's totally me. I keep building all these personas, and let little glimpses of the real me poke through once in a while, but nobody ever sees. They never see that I'm hiding, that I'm just scared out of my mind. Some see, but never reach out. So I'm stuck in there for god knows how long.


Her eyes grow dark, something that makes me frown, though inconspicuously. Nevertheless, I look around the room just to make sure no one sees. No one does.
No one ever does.

No one ever does. If they do, they don't do a fucking thing about it.

This image that I have made, this façade that I have crafted and this wall that I have carved protects me. It keeps everyone out.
But it locks me in.
It keeps me inside my own cold heart, with no one to hold me when I hurt and no one to wipe away my tears while I cry.
And it hurts. It hurts because I know none of my friends know what I hide. It hurts because when I need someone, there is no one. No one knows who I am. No one knows when I hurt. No one knows what makes me tick.
And that feeling is like hell.
My own personal hell. There is no one to protect me from my demons. There is no one to protect me from the only thing I fear:
Myself.

That spoke to me. It was as if I'm the one speaking then. Goodness.

I’m scared of myself. I’m scared of the fact that I can’t open up to anyone. I’m scared of the fact that I’m alone. Always alone. I live in a world that no one has ever seen because no one can ever get in.
And I only have myself to blame.

I try and I try. I have this blog and the other one. But in the end, no one ever really comes in eh?

I’ve always been scared. So scared that I built walls around my heart. So scared that how I act, how I speak and even what I say is a lie. It protects me from the world and myself. It keeps people away so they can never step into my world.
And I am so alone.
I wish I wasn’t alone. I wish I can just tell someone everything on my mind. I wish I can explain to them exactly what I’m scared of. I wish someone would just hold me and love me.
But no one does. No one can, though many try. And every time I turn someone away or force someone to leave I hate myself a little bit more. I scare myself a little bit more.
There is nothing to fear but fear itself.

*closes eyes* Save me. Now.

I’m afraid people will see the real me and see how weak I really am. I’m scared that people will see how afraid I am of being alone. I’m afraid people will see that I’m afraid of myself. And I’m afraid of myself because I keep people out. Which brings it back to the fact that I’m afraid of people seeing how afraid I am.
It’s all one big twisted chain of fear. And I’m stuck in the middle with no one to blame but myself.
Notice how many times in the past few minutes I’ve said “myself?” That’s the root of the problem. And I can’t get rid of it.

And we can never get rid of ourselves, can we?

That’s why I started to hope when I saw Minako realizing she was just part of my game. I hoped that she would be able to see through my and see my fear. I hoped that she would be able to save me from, what else, myself.
But she hasn’t She hasn’t been able to see what it is that I hide from. And I lose a little more hope every day. I can’t hang on for much longer. I’m drowning in a sea of my own fear and I can’t get out.
Minako. I beg you, see me.

Rei, I know exactly what you mean. Because you and I, we are the same.

But at least in the end, Minako gets over her own insecurity and says "I see you, Rei". Among other things.

Amazing what those simple words really mean to the right person.

I suddenly thought about this other fic where Usagi, after finding out that Rei and Minako are in love with each other, embraces both of them and says this:

"Even if the two of you turn into aliens, I will still love you all."

God. I wish someone would be as understanding enough to say something like that to me. Despite the whole klutziness and ditziness of this Moon Princess, her one redeeming quality is her overwhelming love for everyone and everything. It makes me envy the people around her. Sigh.

I wish someone could see me. Really really see me. Kanai doesn't really count, because as much as she does see me, there are still certain things that aren't quite right somehow. Grace is the same. It just doesn't feel right. Something's missing, but I'm not sure what.

Or maybe I'm just pushing them away again. I let them in, but not fully. It's strange to be saying this on my blog, since they both read it. I trust them, but somehow I need someone who can hold me and say that they love me...and actually mean it.

Friends can’t keep you company on a rainy morning when all you want to do is snuggle in bed but have no one to cuddle with. Family can’t take away the pain when you see the loving couples walking down the street, kissing and hugging. Admirers can never listen to your deepest secrets and comfort you when the hurt inside is threatening to tear you apart.
Only a lover can. Only a lover can kiss you and chase away all those demons that you hide away in the back of your mind. Only a lover can understand why you’d rather cuddle in bed rather than make love. Because they love you. Because they want you to be happy. Because they can see through you and understand who you really are.

Wise words from the Senshi of Love. At risk of sounding absurdly mushy and old-school romantic, I would say that I need a soulmate. My other half, so to speak. Yeah I know that's quite impractical and such, but a girl can hope right?

Hope. Such a childish, benighted concept. A dream, a fleeting fancy. True love doesn't exist anymore. Just relationships of convenience. That's what's real. That's what is left in this world of ours.

Such pessimism. I'm not feeling particularly down or anything at this moment. Just...wistful? Yeah, that's it.

They don't see. They don't ever see. I'm not the most observant of people, but I can sense when someone is hiding. When someone is afraid. Just give me a little time to talk with them, to watch them, and I will know.

But the people in class? Sad to say, I don't care. I don't even bother watching them, talking to them. I've never felt any particular attachment to them. They're just there. If they're hiding, so be it. I'm not the one to unlock their illusions. Not when mine have yet to be penetrated.

We all have our own little problems. I can listen, offer a ear for rants and other purposes. Even let you sob on my shoulder if necessary. What am I there for, if only to be used? I'm sure that's what many people think of me.

People don’t like you for you, they like you for what you can give them.

That's a line from another fic. I admit to being guilty of the same practice. At least I'm honest enough to say it here. Of course, I'll say it again if you ask me in person. I rarely will bring it up myself, since this is hardly a topic that can be worked easily into conversation. So unless you ask me directly, don't hold your breath waitign for me to say it first.

I've never been of much use to anybody, have I? I only cause pain. I'm a burden. I'm a bad influence. Grace claims that JC is that much more bearable having me in the same class, and I feel the same way about having her in the same class, but aside from that, there isn't much else, is there?

Kanai says that I accept myself the way I am, and she envies me for being comfortable with myself. That's not entirely true. It's rather a defeatist way of dealing with life. I'm supposed to want change, in order to get rid of this slobby, useless me that will have no contribution to society whatsoever. To want to improve myself so that I'll stop being a fat, parastitic flea that feeds off others and is so insignificant in the general scheme of things.

Just typing the above makes me want to laugh at the irony. At the self-mockery. At the emptiness of it all.

Conventional wisdom be damned. I'm a lazy slob. So be it. I'm gonna die when nobody is around to support me. Well, to hell it is then.

I can only hope that I won't drag too many people down with me.

Strange isn't it? A few years back, I would have said that I wanted to drag down as many people as I could with me. That I wanted to infect my misery onto others. That because I was unhappy, the world should suffer along with me.

Now? I just want to go to hell on my own. I can't save anyone, but I won't drag them down with me. I'll do my best to make sure that others get the chance to love and be loved, but I'll damn myself to the eternal flames of torment. I want them to be happy, even if deep down I'm screaming and hurting and crying. And no one sees.

No, I don't have some kind of a martyr complex. Far from it. I deserve to burn in hell for being the sinful person I am, but even then, all I wish is for others to be happy in their short lives on earth. Life is too short to waste on sad things. If we are going to hell, then at least be happy before you actually have to go in to suffer for eternity. What's the point of being all moody and dejected when Hell is going to be an infinite times worse?

Am I sad or depressed now? Nope. Just being realistic. Fatalistic, more likely, but either term will do.

I can't save anyone. I can't even save myself from myself. I can't get rid of my problems, because I don't know how to get rid of myself without booking a ticket on straight express to the Ninth Circle of Hell. God's probably disappointed in me. Because I can't have faith in him. I can't trust in him to save me. Not because I think he can't, but because I feel I don't deserve his infinite mercy.

The Bible does say so you know. That we didn't deserve His love, but He loves us anyway.

Problem is, I can't seem to open my heart enough to let that love in. I can't seem to allow others to reach in. I keep pushing them away. And condemning myself to an eternity of torment. Excellent choice, isn't it?

We are all such fools. Me in particular. At least I know I'm a fool. And I play one quite convincingly. Some poor, sad individuals don't even know. Now THAT is a pity.

Am I in self-pity? Nah. I don't feel sorry for myself. I just think, "Oh, I'm going to Hell. Sigh. Too bad" and let it go at that. Of course, I would like to go to Heaven, but then I think about it, and this huge burden comes back down on me. This little voice that whispers:

"You don't deserve God's love. You don't deserve to be saved..." etc etc. I censored the worst of it out.

Yes, I know that that is probably the Devil himself whispering to me and trying to keep me from salvation. But what can I say? I'm a willing victim. I'm letting myself go. If I really tried, I could go back to religion. But part of me would never be convinced that I can be saved.

Because I don't want to be. I don't know why, but there is some perverse instinct in me that wants to be thrice-damned and burning in hell. Obscure form of penance, I suppose. Either that or I take BDSM way too far.

This is getting a tad morbid. And would you believe that I still don't feel a thing? Maybe it's the fact that its 1am now and I need sleep. Or not. I need orange juice, and food. And maybe some mindless lemon fics to keep me off the whole situation.

What is life then, if not for endless distractions? Heh.

Maybe. Maybe one day I can believe. When I find a reason to. Until then, I will destroy myself.

And you can all watch while I'm at it.

Isn't that fun?

Well I went out on that outing with the BoACafe people. It was fun! ^_^

Went early at around 2pm to meet Mike (kidozzz), Sam (zutto), and Derrick (europa) to play pool. Let's just say I'm hopeless at playing pool. I managed a couple of good shots, but I pretty much sucked most of the time. But it was fun to talk to them. It didn't feel awkward or anything. For some reason, it's almost like we've known each other for years, considering how relaxed I felt around them.

Well after playing pool, we went to Burger King at around 4pm to grab a snack. Met iyanix, Shaun (shauncai), yxyeo and this other guy. Then Charis (SonicbladeX) turned up, and we swung by Ngee Ann City to pick up Clement (Leonhart).

Then Charis disappeared at Taka, and the rest of us got a bit confused. 10 minutes later he calls Mike and says that he's already at Heeren. We all went like this ---> O__o;;;

So we hurried over to Heeren, but found that since the area was under renovation, we didn't know how to get down to Basement 1. We wandered around for a while like lost sheep until we called Charis, who had to lead us to the other entrance to Marche. Haha.

Finally got down to B1, then find the other group already there. Haha. Ran into Motoway (who's a girl lah! the other guys are so blur) and babypeas, both girls. I realise only now that I forgot to ask for their names. And we spent 2 hours talking to each other.... o__o;;;

After a bit of waiting around, Zan turned up as well as a few more. I can't remember all their names. Lol. Then we all went in. ^__^

Much talking and eating went on while inside Marche. I hung out with the girls. Clement ate a lot. Lol. And Derrick kept drinking sparkling water, and ended up with a headache. I still have no idea how he did that. The other guys spent a lot of time teasing Mike about another BC member (a girl) who didn't turn up for this meeting. And let's just say this, Mike is ridiculously easy to tease. He reacts damn easily lah. The first time he saw me, he was like "OMG I feel so short!".

On a sidenote, there are times where Mike reminds me of Chengwei. Especially the way he says "Shut up!!". It's in the exact same tone as Chengwei. And it sounds the same. O__o

Then after the whole Marche thing, we wanted to do stuff, but couldn't think of anything. They wanted to watch movie, but by the time the movie would have ended, there won't be any trains running, so they scrapped the idea. We took a couple of group pics in the meantime, and finally we all went back to Cineleisure cos Mike and Sam wanted to play pool again.

So all of us went back, except for a few who had to leave already. Then, somehow we all got separated, then finally managed to reunite at the pool place. The girls and I didn't really want to stay for pool, since we didn't want to play, and some of the guys felt the same way.

After much discussion, I left with the other two girls, so I'm not sure what happened after that. Zan made it home before me though, so I guess he left too after we did.

We went browsing around HMV, talked a lot, mostly about BoA, and also random kpop and jpop artistes. Then after a while we left Heeren and I got on the bus home.

So yeah, that was about it. I really liked the BC people, they were so easy to talk to. Well, most of them anyway. I didn't hang out with some of them, but its hard to do that when you have like 20 people in a group. Haha.

*makes up mind to ask Motoway and babypeas for their real names*

I can't believe I spent 2 hours talking with them and then left without even knowing their real names. Lol. I just remembered their screen names. XD

Of all the people, other than the girls of course, I got along well with Derrick, Sam, Mike and Clement best. I guess that's because I got to talk with them for a bit, if only just a bit of random conversation. I didn't get to talk with Zan much, but I guess our online conversation kinda makes up for it. I got to interact with Charis for a bit, but that's about it.

All in all it was a pretty successful outing. I like knowing new people. Especially new people who are equally obsessed with BoA. Would you believe that Sam and Mike have BoA ringtones? Mike has Spark as his message tone, and Everlasting as his ringtone. I can't remember Sam's one. Haha.

And it's quite liberating to have people know exactly what you mean when you say that BoA looks like this or that in so and so performance. And then you get different opinions on the performances, the songs, and BoA's images. Haha. And the girls and I cheered when we saw the Outgrow album in 1st place on the HMV charts. And were quite shocked to see the Best of Soul album STILL on the charts at 9th place. I mean, BoS was released LAST YEAR. That means that it has been lurking around for more than 14 months on the charts. o___o

But that's a good thing ne? XD

Ok I guess that's about it for the outing. ^__^

It's 1.45 in the morning and I have no intention of sleeping just yet.

Not entirely sure what I'm blogging here about, but just doing it anyway.

I think its getting progressively unhealthy for me to dream about...coughcoughinappropriatematerialcoughcough.

I don't know why, but my dreams are either the super surreal type, like me as a lawyer for Huang Fei Hong, or the disturbingly realistic ones....like the one where....umm never mind that.

I have no idea how many times I've woken up thinking "what the hell!" from some dream. Horror I can take, even though sometimes it takes a while to get the gooseflesh to subside. Dreaming of being eaten alive is never a pleasant experience.

Then there's the ones where I wake up wanting to go back into the dream. Not necessarily good dreams, just...erotic ones? Umm too much information already. I think I need to let off steam somewhere safe. Guess its back to GGXX to try and let off steam via mass destruction. Haha.

Coming to note on that, I HATE ROBO KY. In Ky's story mode, I have to fight Robo Ky, and the only attack that works on him is Ky's Overdrive attack Ride The Lightning. Problem: I have to refill the tension gauge very fast to use the attack over and over. And the stupid thing blocks the attack sometimes. Asshole.

I guess I can add Robo Ky to the list of GGXX characters that I loathe. The others already on the list? I-No. Damn that woman. People on the list that mildly irritates me? Zato and Testament. Oh yeah, and Slayer. I might like using Slayer, but not when I'm fighting him. Sigh.

I still can't get over how Bridget looks like a girl. Yes, I know Bridget is a girl's name, but this is a guy. MALE. With the Y chromosome. Capish? It's disturbing how much like a girl he looks...augh.

And let's not get to Testament in his pink outfit. Yeah, PINK. Stupid palette changing.

But Black version of Millia is quite cool. Oh and I could grow to like Venom...once I figure out how to execute his specials that is. It's really quite neat once you get the hang of him.

List of people I can use more or less?
Sol
Ky
Testament
Dizzy
Slayer
Anji
Venom

That's about it so far. I haven't tried all the characs yet though. But I won't say that I'm any good with the above either. I can use them to some degree, but I'm still an amateur.

People I CANNOT use for nuts.
Baiken
Millia
Potemkin

Haven't tried much of the rest yet. I think I could get used to Chipp, but I need more practice with him...hmm. And I can't imagine using Bridget. Johnny was ok, but I couldn't beat I-No. Bitch. Grrrr.

Ok I gotta go now. Late. Tired. Need sleep. Need orange juice, but ran out of it. Haiz.

Cya all then!

Ok just had a 3 hour nap from 7pm to 10pm.

And in the process had a truly weird dream.

It can't be that weird, you must be thinking. After all, I get weird dreams on average of 5 times a week. One more just adds to the count. Nothing to be shocked about.

Oh but wait til you hear this one.

Try being back in late 1800s of China, as the ATTORNEY for Huang Fei Hong.

Yeah you saw that right. I blame last Saturday's watching of the episode of Young Huang Fei Hong on Channel 8. It must have wormed itself into my subconsciousness and sprung today.

Oh and it gets better. Not only am I a lawyer in my dream, I'm also a social volunteer for charitable organisations. And towards the last bit of the dream, I had a vivid impression of myself arguing the distinction between charitable donation and compensation. With coherent lines of argument. Ms Soh would have been proud.

It's a LONG story behind why I was even doing that. I can't even remember the exact circumstances. What I do remember is that some evil corporation was trying to sue Master Huang, and I being a lawyer with a charitable soul (yeah shocking I know), stepped in to intervene. I didn't know arguing a case was this fun. Lol.

Talk about sheer randomness. I can beat anybody when it comes to that. It was hilarious when I woke up. I was like, eh? Then I remembered what I was doing in the dream, and started laughing. Who wouldn't? XD

Ok I shall toddle off and maybe write that little dissertation on the hazards of shopping with Grace. Haha. No shopping stamina! That one really got Grace laughing. She has never heard of anyone with no stamina for shopping until she met me. Gee I feel special. Haha.

Incidentally I have a new blog. But the address is not up for public consumption. Largely because the blog is more of a place for me to deposit short stories. Short stories which reveal a lot about me and what I think about. And there are a couple which are a little on the touchy side. Oh and let's not forget the immorality present. That's very important. Haha.

And the fact that it cuts closer to truth that I ever want to admit. Heh.

So have fun everyone. I have just a tiny question. Why does nobody but Chengwei and Grace leave tags on my tagboard? I mean, I can see the hit counter slowly (very very slowly) moving up, but nobody wants to admit their presence? Come on, show yourself. Nothing to freak out about. I won't tell anyone if you won't. It can't be that embarrassing to be caught reading my blog. What, very unglam is it? Haha.

At least I know I'm fun. If anyone of my classmates (minus Grace and Lester) reads this, I'm sure that they were surprised by the fact that I can actually be funny when I want to. I'm just never been able to show that side of myself. How can I, when 1) I don't hang out with them, 2) I never get to talk without sounding like I'm babbling. And as Grace can tell you, sometimes if you pay attention to my babbles, you might actually learn something. Or get to laugh your teeth off. I have that effect on people. Sometimes. XD

Well I had best get going. Anime watching time. Haha.

Ciao.

I'm feeling this strange kind of rhythm after listening to Nanairo no Ashita a few too many times.

Instead of my usual haunting melody in my mind, now its this catchy beat that's doing a tapdance inside my head. I'm not sure what exactly to do with it, since I don't usually write things when I don't feel upset.

Maybe I should follow Grace's advice and start writing when I'm happy, so I can turn out happy things.

But the problem is that I don't have anything in particular I want to write about. Sigh.

Ok I really can't think of a thing, so I'll stop now.

Ja.

Listening to BoA's Nanairo no Ashita ~brand new beat~.

I admit, I wasn't particularly impressed the first time I heard it. It must have been the fact that I was in a dark mood the first time I heard it, and the fluff didn't, or couldn't, get through to me.

After watching the MV though, I was like, whoa. BoA's smile. It could light up a whole city on its own. And suddenly I remembered that the day wasn't all gloomy and everything and that even if I screw up some parts of my life (more like my whole life, but yeah), there are still things that I can be happy about. ^__^

So right now I'm bopping my head along with the music. It's just so...happy? The song is one of those feel-good songs. And the effect is maximised when you see the video. Like I mentioned earlier, BoA's smile just has this effect on melting me inside out.

While I've mentioned that Hyori gives me warm shudders throughout the body because of her overwhelming sexiness, BoA is the one who makes me all goopy and turns me into a grinning idiot for an indeterminate amount of time.

It's just...so her. That youthful energy, that carefree air around her. I know its just an MV, that she may or may not feel that way in real life. But even the illusion of it that she presents is enough of give me a little hope in humanity, however minor.

And I'm just a real sucker for athletic girls. When you see BoA basically incorporating playing hockey and basketball into the dance routine, it just makes me smile. Or grin. Or just act like I've just turned into a pile of slush.

Oh and it helps that she looks so damn pretty and adorable. She isn't cute in the same way she was when she was in her early teens, since she does exude a more mature sense of confidence that just hovers around her like an aura that calms. But just because she's more mature doesn't mean she's all boring. She does know how to have fun, as shown in the video. And she still remembers her hiphop dance roots very well, apparently, if the short sequence in the middle of the video is any indication.

Oh and I really like the dance routine. It's just so fun to look at. In a way it reminds me of Atlantis Princess for some reason, just minus the high level of energy. This one is just...bubbly? Haha.

I still can't believe that I've been a fan of BoA for the past 3 years. From 2003 all the way to now, and still going strong. And along the way, even as I grew up and went through all the trials and tribulations, my love for her and her music still remains, albeit the sense of it has undoubtably changed.

Let me explain. When I first started out, I was fiercely overprotective over her in a way that comes across almost as obsessive. I'm still overprotective now, but not as fanatically as before. I can accept criticism of BoA and her music, as long as its justified, but I won't tear out someone's throat for saying that BoA is not as pretty/talented as so-and-so star. I might dispute it with my own argument, but I won't deny other people's opinion or anything. We are all entitled to our own opinions.

Besides, I have since realised that BoA, and in fact, all celebrities, are only human. Humans have flaws, and we can either reject them, or love them just the way they are. Actually, that's how I feel about BoA. She's not the prettiest or sexiest, and there are people who can sing or dance better, but I love her anyway. I appreciate good music, but have never really cared about the person singing the song most of the time. BoA is the sole exception to this indifference of mine. In her case, I'm more in love with her as a person than I am with her music. I mean, the music plays a very important part of keeping me interested in her, but there's just something about the girl that just makes me come back for more even when sometimes she screws up. I just find it endearing to see her mess up sometimes. It helps to remind me that she's just another girl, who only happens to have found fame and fortune early in life. She's probably just as vulnerable as you and me, although she has to pretend otherwise in public.

So far my image of BoA hasn't been sullied. She has done a remarkable job of staying scandal-free, relatively anyway. In fact, the only major piece of bad news in recent memory was probably when a picture of her was taken with some guy and he kissed her? I have no idea. Who really cares anyway? She is a normal girl, and I think even celebrities are allowed to have relationships. I mean, it would be really sad if she spent all her time working like a machine and not even have a chance to find love. As long as she doesn't do anything drastic, I think its ok.

Of course, I would be awfully jealous of any guy who gets to date her. But I'll be fine once I have reconciled myself to the idea. I respect the fact that its her own private life. As long as it doesn't mess with her music and her image, it's perfectly fine. And of course, the guy had better not try anything funny or risk being dismembered...very very slowly. Dating a celebrity is tough. You kind of have to deal with their fans too. Haha.

Ok enough of babbling about BoA. Grace has to put up with me babbling about PGSM and BoA all the time already, and now she has to bear with it on this blog too. Haha. The poor girl...oh well, it's fun. For me anyway. XD

One last thing on BoA. I would love to see a live performance of Nanairo no Ashita soon. Especially if she is going to perform the whole dance routine. But I doubt it, since she has to sing live. Oh well. I can always hope to see it. Who knows, maybe she can use a headset again like she did for Dakishimeru. Hehe.

And another thing. She's wearing boots again. Haha. She's been wearing boots in EVERY SINGLE MV for 2 years. Lol. With the possible exception of Everlasting, but I can't confirm that one. She must really like wearing boots eh? Hehe.

Right now I shall go toddle off to study. But I think I'll keep the com on with the video running. I think studying is more entertaining with BoA singing in the background. Yeah I'm weird, so sue me. How can I focus? Hey, that's the way I study, so don't diss it. Disapprove if you must, but keep in mind that I care about that as much as I care for celery, which is...not at all.

So there. XD

If there was any way to confirm that I had a perverse mind, it has to be the fact that I come up with the weirdest scenes and fantasies.

But at least I haven't gone down Hardcore Alley and started imagining rape scenes. Graphical rape scenes, involving....unusual...instruments. Like guns. Don't ask about that one. I was quite shocked too. But I'll be lying if i said I didn't have scenes that involved knives.

Blood play and all you know. Heh.

Ok getting mind out of gutter now.

I'm gonna leave now and do some more last minute studying. Ciao. I might be alive by the end of the week. Who knows?

Well at least I have to be alive to go to Marche with the BC ppl this saturday. I don't break this kind of promises. Heh.

Well, I'll toddle off here now. Cya. *bows*

Augh.

I hate the time of the month. I wasn't kidding when I said that either something was wrong or I had PMS the other day. Because it really was PMS. Haha.

Anyway I suddenly have this weird stab of what feels like inspiration, but not quite like it...hmm.

Ok I suddenly need to research something. I might be back. I might not. Just...come back eventually. Whatever.

I have no idea why, but calling me a 'good girl' somehow irks me beyond all measure.

Especially if it comes from my granny. Or my dad. Mostly my granny.

It's strange. Maybe its just that I know how profoundly untrue the statement is. I'm not a good girl. Maybe I was once, but the me as of now? No go. Don't even want to go there.

I'm lazy and unmotivated. I wouldn't even breathe if it didn't serve me. How can someone like this be a good girl?

I bought a pair of gloves. On impulse. No, I'm not going to wear them for you to see. It's just something to protect my hands when I pound on the wall...repeatedly. The fact that they're replicas of Cloud's gloves from FFVII Advent Children is only a bonus. And really really cool. I can imagine myself on that big black motorcycle already. Haha.

I'm totally screwing with my sleep cycle lately. I just want to stay up all night. It's quieter, with fewer distractions. When everyone else is asleep, I can walk around the house and just revel in the sudden hush of peace. It's...liberating.

Not to mention the late night walk I took downstairs. I love the dark. So nice and cool and quiet...

If there's one time I love the beach, it's not when its sunset or sunrise. It's when its all dark at night, with nothing but you, the sea, and the endless sky. And the winking of the distant lights of the ships on the horizon.

When that happens, you can pretend that there is no one there except you. Just you and the sky and sea. Everything else is too far away, and those that are near are hidden in the cloak of darkness. An illusion of solitude, but better than nothing.

I must clarify. Solitude has nothing to do with loneliness. Being alone does not mean you are lonely. Loneliness is a state of mind. Solitude is a state of self. I rather like being alone sometimes, thank you very much.

And then there are the times I crave for human contact. Most of the time I don't really get it. I like to talk about me, but not many people are willing to listen, because they want to talk about themselves too. Trying to strike a balance between listening to others and talking about myself is a precarious job.

I won't deny that I like talking about myself. Narcissism yes? But we're all like that at some level. Just some of us are more affected by this unfortunate condition more than than others.

I hate being me, but I wouldn't want to be anybody else. I like me the way I am, yet I want desperately for myself to change. Conflicting desires. Isn't that always the case in life?

I think that's what this blog is for. For me to just blab out all I want about myself without troubling the PRECIOUS time of others. Yeah the caps are deliberate. Hope that conveys something. Heh.

Grace feels that blogging about this kind of thing is too private for her, since it makes her feel exposed and vulnerable. I get that. By showing your weaknesses, it leaves openings for others to strike. I have felt that way on occasion.

But despite the fact that this blog is on occasion just chock full of raw emotions, and reveals a lot of my shortcomings, I'm not revealing anything that I haven't accepted and can deal with on some level. Except possibly for the gender identity issue, but I'm comfortable with talking about it if anyone wants to needle me about it.

That's precisely the point really. All the hurts and fears and what-not in this blog, if someone wanted to use them against me by working on where it really hurts, it wouldn't work. I can talk about it. I might even be amused by the fact that someone wants to taunt me by calling me "useless, worthless" etc etc.

I'll just look them in the eye and say, "Yes, is there something else that you want to say to me that I haven't already said to myself?"

It's that simple really. I hurt myself in this blog by relentlessly bashing on my own weak spots. So by the time someone DOES use them against me, I'm kind of numb to it already. I'll just close up and fort up, so to speak.

Call me lazy, foolish, a dreamer? Been there, done that.

Selfish, cowardly, insensitive? Yeah, and?

Self-absorbed, impractical, irresponsible? Hello, have you been reading this blog? I say that so often that I'm sick of it.

Wastrel, lazybones, useless, worthless? Hmm...where have I heard that before...?

I would put more up, but some of them are quite unprintable and unsuitable for young audiences. Not that most of the things in this blog are actually suitable for young audiences. Oh well, it's their life, their trauma. I'm not responsible for kids having bad dreams.

I think the thing that still does hurt me? Praising me. Telling me that I'm a good person. That everything will be alright. That everything will turn out just fine in the end. That will make me cry.

Because I don't deserve goodness. I don't deserve kindness. I'm not self-pitying, in case any smart aleck wants to point it out. I've gotten past the stage where I moan "oh woe is me!" to an uncaring world. Now I just look at the pathetic lump that is me and just roll my eyes and shake my head. Or just raise an eyebrow. And smirk.

Great. Just great. I just realised where my real weakness lies. Crap. I don't want to talk about it. Nobody needs anymore ammunition against me.

You know, I like to think that the world hates me, but I know that's not true. They don't hate me, I'm just insignificant.

And ain't that the one that hurts the most in the end? Heh.


I wondered how I lived without you
I want to have you back in my arms
I want you by my side
When no one remembers, you will be there
When no one cares, I will be there
Can't shake that off
Both of us
Always and forever
You're all that I want
All that I need
Needing each other
More than anything
Staying strong
Even when we start to cry
Rain falling all around us
I with you
You with me
Fallen into Eternity's embrace

Well that was the singularly most SAPPY and EMBARRASSING thing I've ever written. And strangely fun. Was that directed at anybody? Not really. What do you think?

Well what spurred that little interlude? I'll blame WMP for putting on the song 'Without You". Although towards the end I was sniggering while I was typing, I'll admit. The absurdity of the situation was too much to bear.

Heavens forbid if I ever write a love letter to anybody. It will probably be so full of cliches that I'll choke and and die before I even send it out.

Coming to that point though, I think I'll probably end up staying single (and celibate, unless I get horrendously drunk) for a good part of my life. I can't bear having anyone that close. I can't bear the idea of someone touching me that way. I can probably deal with me touching someone else, but not the other way round. Insecurity? Maybe. Or just a trust issue. I don't trust anybody that close. I have this thing known as a personal bubble...

Although I admit that it's easy to lean on some of my friends. Just not that way. I do need some innocent comfort too. Sigh...

Ok enough of sentimental crap. Just a little something to round it off though.

Giving no quarter
This is the last stand
Heaven or Hell
The final duel
You decide
Let's ROCK!

Inspired by GGXX. Before every duel, the words 'Heaven or Hell' come up. Heh. It's not particularly well done, but what the heck. I'll go now. As I always do.

圣骑士之战
即将诞生
准备好了吗？

地域之火
准备净化这个罪恶的世界吧！

The magical moment is lost.

I've never loathed an intrusion from a good friend this much. It feels wrong now. Everything's all wrong.

I feel heavy. Human again. Disappointment? No, it goes beyond that. Dejection, failure, utter depression. More than all that.

Now I'm mortal again, and it sucks.

Immortality is such a far fetched concept. Yet for an indeterminate amount of time then, I had shared in that wonderful feeling.

Being brought back to earth hardly seems gratifying after such a high.

How long before I find it again? Can I even find that state again? Can I even hope to be as attuned to that rhythm as I was earlier? It feels all wrong. I feel all wrong. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

I need to go. I'm trying not to cry, but it's so hard...

How can anyone understand this pain of mine?

Endless Rhapsody

Even if it's a lie
Just let me dream
Just for a moment
I want to live in my fantasy.

Watching you watching me
We must always have known
This dream, a mystery in the making
Us alone to discover.

A silent melody
An orchestra, for you and I
To reach out with imploring hands
Searching for that elusive tone.

A steady heartbeat
In time with yours and mine
Entwined in sensual waltz
Swept up in the endless beat.

Watching us with tears in our eyes
We yearn towards that unseen melody
Our legend, this dream we envisioned
Spectered in velvet illusion.

Even if it's just for now
Just let us dance to that rhapsody
Just let us fall 'gainst that unerring rhythm
For now, let it be forever......fallen in the arms of infinity.

Finito.
====================================================

I feel incredible. It would not be an exaggeration to say that I am on another plane of reality altogether at this point in time. Listening only to a voice only I can hear, and the ensuing contentment....

The bewitching call of the Sirens have nothing on this. This is better than any drug, and addiction. This is the ultimate release for me. Listening to that beautiful nameless melody whisper to me like a voice from on high.

I acknowledge that I have produced more critically-appealing work before. But this is strangely the most satisfying. Not the best, but one of the more meaningful ones. It's packed with more meaning that it appears on the surface. Nothing overt, just a turn of phrase here and there.

Analyse that then, suckers.

Heh. I feel different. It's like a huge shift. In my persona. Suddenly I feel like I'm no longer who I am, or who I'm pretending to be. I'm not who I was, nor do I know who I will be. This new entity in me...at once familiar and distant.

The Heavens be damned, I feel at peace. I feel attuned. In harmony. Like I've found my center.

Distant, detached. Listening, but not hearing the sounds of mundane life.

I feel accepted, wanted, needed.

And I've never felt so out of step with the people around me before.

The best part? It somehow seems to matter very little. And it should scare me. It should, but it doesn't.

Something tugs at me to return to being me, or at least, the me I've been pretending to be. I'm not even sure what's the real me anymore. I could be pretending, acting, could even be real, and would never know about it.

Please, just let me find that blessed melody again....

Excessive outburst.

That was the most obvious hint. And the pack of rabid wolves (otherwise known as fangirls) pounced.

What am I talking about? Why, Rei and Minako in PGSM. That's the Live Action version of Sailor Moon in case you didn't know.

That's right, now they're my new blazing pairing. Yeah I know the pun isn't even funny.

I still love Haruka/Michiru, duh. Those two are the epitome of classcial love (minus the heterosexuality though), of love that crosses all barriers and would overcome all obstacles.

But Rei and Minako have this vibe about them. It isn't as epic as the pairing above, but it IS very intense. What more can you expect from the soldiers of Fire and Love?

Maybe it's the whole Minako-dying and Rei's consequent overemotional breakdown in PGSM that really got me into the pairing. Always before, when it was still confined to the anime, I pretty much had variable pairings among all the other senshi except for Haruka and Michiru. I refuse to read either Haruka or Michiru with anybody else. Oh and I can't stand seeing Setsuna paired with Hotaru. That's just...wrong somehow.

And given my views on shoujo-ai, it might come as a surprise that I do like seeing Usagi and Mamoru together. I know that shoujo-ai fans tend to prefer pairing Rei with Usagi, their justification being the constant bickering between the two. But just as Haruka and Michiru just fit together, I think Mamoru is good for Usagi, and they should generally stay together. But I'm not completely closed to the idea that Usagi can be paired with one of her senshi though. It's just that if Usagi does end up with one of her senshi, it tends to mess up the whole dynamic of the team...it's a complicated issue.

Ah where have I gone? Yeah I realise that I'm getting a little over-obsessed with BSSM. It's hard not to. Haruka and Michiru are addictive. Hotaru is just fun to read, especially in fics where she is portrayed as a whimsical sort of person, not bubbly or anything, just having this strange grown-up amusement about the things around her, it's more than cool. Setsuna is the Guardian of Time...how much more cool and mysterious can you get than that?

As for the Inners, Rei with Minako in the PGSM timeline is great. There's this dynamic between them that just rocks. And not to mention the fact that the actresses that protray the two are really hot. Sorry if I sound like some lecherous perv, because it's hard not to melt when I see beauty like that.

Yeah and Ami with Makoto, while lacking the endearing charm of Haruka and Michiru, or the fiery passion (bad pun again!) between Rei and Minako, have this comforting equanimity to them that just works. It's a sweet pairing, nothing epic, but sweet and fluffy enough to soothe.

I've never read any fic with Usagi and Mamoru as the main focus of the story. Yeah I know. But it's hard. Being the main heterosexual pairing in the series, they get the most attention from fanfic writers, since 1) the homophobes have no reason to complain, 2) they are kind of cute together (Mamo-chan!!! haha, inside joke), 3)they ARE the main pairing.

It's hard to read the two as the central pairing of a fic as there are way too many fics out there, and I'm sick of trying to sieve through the masses to find the gems. That's harder than you think, you know. But I always like a bit of Usagi/Mamoru in the background when I read other fics. They are rather sweet together, Usagi's childishness notwithstanding (or maybe it's BECAUSE of her childishness).

I can't really pair Hotaru with any of the senshi, except possibly Minako. Yeah, stop giving me the weird looks. I've had enough of them from Kanai's general direction when I told her the same thing. I can't really think of anybody who would fit as well with Hotaru, since it's hard to understand and accept this Senshi of Death and Rebirth. Except possibly Setsuna, but I categorically refuse to put them in a romantic relationship. Platonic, yes. They are equals in the most basic sense. Death and Time understand each other in a way that not many others would grasp.

And the same thing comes into play when I put Minako with Hotaru. They do say that love overcomes all, even death. Yeah wince all you want at the bad pun. I'm kinda used to making ridiculously bad puns when it comes to BSSM. I think it comes with the territory. All the elements the senshi represent are just too good to pass up when making references.

Incidentally I've put Rei with Hotaru before. You know, letting the fire warm the chill of death. Yeah I did it again, didn't I? Heh. But Rei with Hotaru makes for amazing angst that you wouldn't believe. And I thought that I'd seen some of the best angst around with the Buffy/Faith pairing...

Oh on a slightly, but not quite separate note, you do notice that War and Death do go hand in hand together, don't they? *dies laughing* I'm punning like crazy today. Hehe.

Speaking of angst though, Rei with Usagi is GUARANTEED 100% chop-stamp angst. You know, the whole Destiny and Mamoru/Endymion factor. Not to mention Chibi-Usa.

Ah yes, Chibi-Usa and Hotaru. For reasons I can't quite fathom, the more I learn about the series, the less want to pair them up. I realise that this pairing is quite the favorite for most people to put Hotaru in, since she rarely fits in anywhere else. But personally I prefer putting Chibi-Usa with Helios. Yes I know the guy's a unicorn who sometimes takes on human form, but this is anime. Anything can happen. The fact that he does have a human form is more than enough I believe. Besides, Chibi-Usa does have a crush on Helios. It's canon, deal with it.

As for the Starlights, I'm not sure if I want to comment. They take the term 'cross-dressing' far beyond its original meaning. Gender-bending has never had such a literal sense before. I mean, these are female aliens who transform into male humans to form the Three Lights pop group. Can you say transsexual? It goes WAY beyond that, I'm afraid. Not that I'm particularly freaked out. It's just...strange.

Oh as for Endymion's 4 generals (Jadeite, Kunzite, Zoicite, and who's the last one?), I know they were working for Beryl when we first see them, but it doesn't change the fact that they were working for Endyimon first before changing sides. It's popular habit to pair the Inners (except for Usagi who already has Endymion/Mamoru) with these 4, since it makes perfect sense to let the bodyguards of the Moon Princess fall in love with the bodyguards of the Earth Prince. And they're just the right number too. Heh.

Can't say I've ever warmed to that proposition, largely because I don't know the 4 generals well, and because I am quite obviously a shoujo-ai fangirl. That and the fact that Kunzite and Zoicite look better off together. They're probably the only ones in BSSM with the most palpable hints of YAOI just floating around them. That's quite canon too, so don't look at me like that.

Suddenly I'm reminded of this fic where Usagi complains that her Mamo-chan keeps attracting the attention of the enemy...literally. I mean, Beryl, Metallia and Neherelenia. They all tried to turn Mamoru to their side. And I believe at least one of them expressed interest in the prince. Galaxia was the odd one out in this respect, but she doesn't really count since she was possessed by Chaos (gee the boy gets around huh? XP) at that point in time. It's almost amusing how that works really.

Ok I think I've sufficiently demonstrated my obsession with BSSM. I can't believe how much I managed to spew in the meantime. Ok, I guess it's time to stop.

Back to reading Rei/Minako fics then. Adieu!

Ok I know I really should be asleep. But I was busy looking for pictures. Fanart, more precisely.

Didn't find much, but there were a couple of gems.

I was looking for a display pic actually, since I didn't want it to be all BoA's pic all the time. Not that there's anything wrong with BoA, just that I want a little variety once in a while.

Oh well here's the ones I saved. Not display pic material, but nice to look at.





Isn't Squallie cute? Haha.

Ok on a totally random note, I edited one of the Haruka/Michiru wallies I had to get this pic.



Don't they look beautiful together? Absolute harmony. Gotta love them.

Ok I really need sleep now. And I'm gonna listen to JJ Lin's 江南 to sleep. I'm totally addicted to it. Yeah I know its passe Chengwei. Doesn't stop me in the least though. So there.

Anyway, night all.

I'm feeling angsty.

No, that's not a good description of my current state of mind. I do not in any way feel depressed, despondent, angry, or any other expressions of angst. I'm just restless.

That's never a good state for someone like me.

If there's one thing I hate more than being irritated or angsty, it's being restless. It's as if there's an unconsumable flame in me, threatening to let loose, but somehow unable to.

I think I need to write to get it out. I can't play games. I can't even watch BoA videos for some measure of peace. I can't read a book. I can't do ANYTHING.

If writing can help me find my peace, I'll gladly produce a good lot of rubbish if only to work it out of my system. Then proceed to burn all the pointless tripe after I complete it. If anyone thinks I will publish nonsense in any other place than this blog, one is sadly mistaken.

Ok I need to do something. If the option were open to me, I think I would go out and drink myself into insensibility. Or hit the pubs for random one night stands. But knowing me, my morals have not slipped to that level yet. But I worry about the future. I could end up like that if I didn't watch myself.

I need something to just take my mind off things. I think I can go read pointless lemons just to distract myself. I hate this. Absolutely hate this. God. Its worse than being bored. If it were just simple boredom it would be easy. Restlessness compels me to DO things. Gah.

Forget it, just forget it.

I don't want to think damnit. I don't want to. I freaking as hell don't want to. I think I know why some people drown themselves in vices like drinking, whoring, or drug abuse. They just don't want to think.

I don't want to think either. But my way is not the same. It is still destructive, but not in the same sense as the aforementioned vices. Ugh. Urge for violence. For blood. Sex. Whatever. Just something to get rid of that demon in my head. Even Chaos is less annoying.

Excuse me while I bite little chunks of my flesh off my hands.

I'll confess that I truly enjoy verbal sparring.

That is not necessarily a bad vocation, I'll admit. However, there's not many people worthy of that kind of competition, as either they are incapable of sustaining the parry and thrust of wit and sarcasm, or they are too quick to take offense at what they perceive to be slights or insults to their person.

Chengwei, I'll admit that you're fun to have a verbal duel with. Well, I'm more effective duelling online than I am in person, since I type more accurately than I talk, and typing prevents me from stumbling over my words as I'm wont to do when I'm speaking. Not to mention that typing allows me to lay out my ideas and thoughts in a more coherent manner than the casual inaccuracies of rapidfire speech.

Of course, true masters have no problem in presenting their ideas clearly and directly whether in speech or print. I confess to a lack of skill in the verbal department due to my sad lack of confidence when it comes to dealing with actual people face to face. I can communicate when I am at ease with the person, but if I am not, which is true with most people, I stutter and end up either mangling the truth of which I had intended to present, or not speaking at all.

I recognise that my language of choice in this blog post is of a more convoluted form than it usually is, an effect achieved by reading a novel which has a timeline set in the early 1600s of England. I acknowledge that whatever I read beforehand always seems to have a direct impact on my thought and even speech patterns for hours afterwards. I blush to admit that if one were to hand me a Shakespearean text to read for an hour or two, I would be spouting flowery language full of thees and thous in no time afterward.

Unfortunately the converse is true when it comes to uncouth language. Reading the Resident Evil novelisations (yes, I have the novelisations for both movies) tends to put me in a more disagreeable frame of mind. A variety of swear words tend to make their appearance in my thoughts and inevitably my writing in the aftermath of reading such texts. It is regrettable, naturally, but I find the crude violence sometimes useful when I need to convey such brutality into my own writing.

Likewise when I read romance stories, I end up feeling like a knight of the court. Don't ask why I have never felt like a lady instead, I have no real conception of how that came to pass. Apparently my real gender has little to do with the identity I assume after reading any story.

Since I'm on the topic I might as well cover my reaction to the Bible. Reading the Gospels tend to calm me, but reading Revelations tends to make me lose all faith in the world. And oh yes, my speech patterns do subtly take a turn towards ecclestical bombast that can either inspire or put people to sleep. Usually the latter is more in evidence, although I have put it to good use in one of my fledgling stories earlier in life. Religious pomposity can be useful when one is attempting to weave a certain mysticism into a legend one is attempting to create for background purposes. I believe it is referred to as the fantasy tone, or even the voice of the fable.

Alright, I should stop boring all and sundry with my twisted logic couched in language that seeks to drain all active energy out of its spectators. It must be said that I have enjoyed myself tremendously in expelling my thoughts in such a fashion. It is most entertaining and I may choose to repeat this performance at a later date.

Already I can hear the outraged screams of those still awake at this point. It must be noted that such responses are received with a certain glee from this blogger. If that betrays a certain amount of sadism it cannot be helped.

Hail and farewell then. It has been a most enlightening encounter.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=rBPZyfLLpJg

This is the link to the Hellsing OVA Episode 1. Subbed in English too!

And its great. The animation quality is pretty cool even though this is on youtube.

My only real complaint is that it takes too freaking long to load. Well it IS 50 minutes long...hehe...

Oh and kid Integra is quite the spunky girl. And her voice hasn't acquired that husky feel to it yet. It's rather endearing actually.

I haven't managed to get quite far with the video yet since the damn thing keeps stalling on me. I only managed to make it to the beginning to the Cheddar village incident when Seras is attacked by ghouls when she was still with D11.

And all Integra is going to do, well all she has to do, is to send in one operative, namely Alucard. Duh. You don't need more when you have someone like the No Life King on your side.

And then the stupid video hung and stopped loading around then.

Stupid youtube and internet connection.

I'm waiting for game reset now at 4pm. Then I'll handle my...affairs before taking a shower. Then I'll sit down and do some genuine work. Maybe. Possibly.

More likely I'll just plonk myself in front of the TV with a cup of orange juice in hand. That sounds rather appealing actually.

Ok with that goal in mind I shall toddle off.

Ja.

This is the trailer for the Hellsing OVA. Oh I love it. I super duper love it. Blood blood and more blood. ^__^

Anderson being his usual lunatic self when he fights Alucard. Alucard being manaical. Walter using his 'dental floss' on ghouls with devilish ease. Seras taking out enemies with the Harkonnen and her bare hands. Integra being all bossy and hyped up.

Oh and the beautiful image of Seras fighting her bloodlust.

Just had to share it here. Ok I gotta go buy lunch now. Heh.

Read another Haruka/Michiru fic and feeling courtly for some reason. It must have something to do with the fact that Haruka-sama acts like some white knight half the time when with Michiru. It's infectious.

Dad seems to be in a pissy mood. I think he doesn't like the fact that I don't talk to him that much. But what can I talk to him about? I hardly think of any common topics between us. And I don't think he's ready to know that his only daughter has warm and fuzzy thoughts about others of the same gender.

Oh great. Hyori and the song Get Ya. I could kill WMP right now. It has a twisted sense of humor. I keep getting images of Hyori in that skimpy black outfit. Oh and my favorite has got to be the one where she wears a loose white shirt over skimpy underwear. I'm not describing it well, but it doesn't matter.

As long as I know what it means it's ok.

Is there a point to blogging right now. Not really. Just needed to blow a bit of steam off. You know, even though I know that part of Get Ya is sung in korean, it has a very latin feel to it. Man...of all things...

Forget it. I'm gonna go shower now. A nice COLD shower.

Til then.

Picked up something from Chengwei's blog. And since I'm really bored...

Basically put WMP on shuffle and ask yourself the following questions. The answers will be the title of the songs. Yeah I must really be bored huh?

#1: What do you think of me?
Ans: Dearest - Ayumi Hamazaki
(so not funny, am I the dearest person to somebody? or what? I don't want to think so much)

#2: Will i have a happy life?
Ans: Make A Secret - BoA
(even unfunnier, does that mean that I will never know? haha...not funny AT ALL)

#3: What do my friends think of me?
Ans: 겨울시선 (Winter Gaze) - Hyori
(ha ha ha ha. I'm cold? That's a laugh.)

#4: Do people secretly lust after me?
Ans: With U - BoA
(I'm not sure how to interpret THAT. does that mean whoever is lusting after me is with me, or what? Nvm...)

#5: What does [significant other] think of me?
Ans: Simple and Clean - Utada Hikaru
(*collapses in helpless laughter*)

#6: What should i do with my life?
Ans: Omokage (Face) - Hayashibara Megumi
(face my life? not funny lah)

#7: Why must life be full of pain?
Ans: True Light - Miyamoto Shunichi
(*spits blood* Picking the opening from DN Angel? True light...does that mean pain is truth? Heh...)

#8: Will i ever have children?
Ans: Question - Fly to the Sky
(.............................................)

#9: Will i die happy?
Ans: Everlasting (Classical ver) - BoA
(do I even want to analyse this?)

#10: Can you give me some advice?
Ans: Straight Up - Hyori
(what a link siah...)

#11: What do you think happiness is?
Ans: Seasons - Ayumi Hamazaki
(no, I won't comment. I refuse to)

#12: What is my favourite fetish?
Ans: My Plague - Slipknot
(SHIT CRAP DOUBLE F***!!! You are so kidding lah! But true leh, I had a momentary premonition that it would be this song....holy mother of....nvm...)


I think the last question had the funniest response siah. *dies laughing* But its utterly true though. Lol.

Ok I guess this is fun haha. Will go do something else now. ^__^

It's all Kanai's fault.

Lol.

What did she do? Well, just one word.

Hyori.

Why is it that my best friends inadvertently get me hooked onto things? Erika was the culprit in getting me hopelessly addicted to BoA, albeit unintentionally. Kanai is now quite intentionally trying to push Hyori onto me...more aggressively than she did with Ayumi, strangely. Or maybe because the ammunition she's using, namely sizzling hot Hyori pics and videos, are that much more effective.

Especially since I'm weak towards sexy women. So sue me.

By sexy however, I'm not referring to the loose definition. Ripping your clothes off does NOT make one sexy. Wearing barely anything is not necessarily sexy. Acting sultry isn't always sexy. And the list goes on.

Most men go crazy when they see females baring flesh, especially in suggestive ways. It takes a bit more than that to get me into overdrive though. I think it has to do with the fact that I'm also female. One is understandably less impressed when one possesses the same attributes (not in the same dimensions, but you get the idea).

I think I mentioned before that sexiness is an inborn thing. You either have it or you don't. It's possible to pick it up, but you kinda have to have the natural talent and confidence to pull it off in the first place. Not to mention a killer figure to REALLY knock people out with a single movement...from any part of your body.

Hyori has sexiness in spadeloads. No, sexiness practically rolls off her in waves. I didn't even know walking can be a sexy activity until I saw Hyori do it in a video. Sure, I had some idea, but this was ridiculous.

Not to mention the fact that Hyori even sounds sexy. Yes, even though that video has some parts that were obviously overacting, you can tell that even if she does tone it down, she can still draw men like bees to honey.

I would hereby like to mention that I wasn't reduced to a drooling idiot like the men in that comedy. I was like "yeah baby that was hot" and trying not to snigger at the men's reactions. The stupefication part came during the Get Ya music video. I'll confess to swallowing hard...several times. Especially at the beginning when she starts changing from this sexy red number into a black dominatrix outfit inside a car.

Did I mention that I had a weakness for leather? That one was BoA's fault though.

I didn't drool. But my eyes were glowing appreciatively. Hey what can I say? I like ogling at Hyori.

I still love BoA, but it's more of a unconditionally devoting sort of love. I'm what is termed as 'in lust' with Hyori. It's hard not to be when it comes to her. Kanai did say so too.

Man, as if I didn't have enough trouble reining in my homosexual impulses in real life already. I mean, good grief, even my current anime obsession is dripping shoujo-ai. That would be Sailor Moon by the way.

Yeah still hooked onto that...only the fics though. But I confess to watching several Sailor Moon S season episodes, where Haruka and Michiru first appeared. Can anyone deny the fact that the two of them are a match made in...well possibly not heaven, but some other beautiful place, definitely. They rock.

And I think I finally understand why some people claim that Michiru is the hottest among all the senshi. She has legs that go on forever! I blame that episode where Michi is reclining in her swimsuit on a chair by the poolside, with her beautiful legs stretched out. The camera was even nice enough to slowly pan up from her feet all the way up those elegant works of beauty, up to her peaceful face.

My brain starts to shut down when I just picture her legs. Now I know exactly what Haruka said in that fic about 'Kaioh-induced stupor'. I applaud Haruka-sama's self control in the fact that she has managed to keep from just jumping Michiru every time the sea senshi appears in a swimsuit...which is often.

It's depressing really. Here I am fantasizing about anime characters. Granted, really hot anime characters, but that's not the point. But I guess I'm a bit nervous about fantasizing about real people, except for celebrities, since its awkward if you see the person in real life. It's a bit disturbing to think about a person in one way privately, and having to pretend that everything's normal in real life.

If you really have to know, that has happened to me before. I managed to prevent myself from blushing in front of said person, thank goodness. It would have been hard to explain...especially since it was NOT a guy.

Not that I would ever admit to a guy that I fantasize about them, if I do. They don't need the ego boost.

I thought I would be over the whole discovering of sexual identity by now. I wish it could get over and done with soon. Just tell me if I'm lesbian, bisexual or straight already! I don't need the angst in between.

Ok I've had enough ranting about this. No need to go on and wax lyrical about some other really hot anime character. Did I mention the fact that Seras/Yumie/Yumiko is surprisingly interesting?

Ok I have to quit doing that. >___<

Cheerios.

Just randomly felt like saying it.

I have been blogging a lot lately haven't I? It's a useful form of expression.

And an opportunity to explore my psyche...however twistedly amusing it is.

I just realised how much Hyori's 2nd album is growing on me. The woman has ridiculously catchy songs. That and the fact that her voice, in addition to the nature of her songs, appeal a lot to the darkly dangerous side of me.

No, most people don't see that side of me. Not even close friends. They see the dark DARK side of me yes, you know, all morbid and everything. But not the other facet of the dark personality. That one is strictly private.

Actually Chaos seems to be the male manifestation of that side, although somewhat toned down here for public consumption. You don't really want to know what goes on inside my head after hours.

And if you really have to know, that part of my personality IS the one that pervs over other girls mostly. I just realised that I haven't named that section of me. I mean, I have plenty of names for each side of me.

To refresh the memory, here goes.

Elena was the first. She's generally quite nice, a quaint sense of humor, but too nice to come out and play---mostly because the later personalities tend to shut her in a tiny cell so that she doesn't interfere with the fun.

Sephi came next. She's absolutely bonkers. Extremely hyper. She's the one who ended up earning me the 'pogo stick' nickname. Don't ask. Just know that it involved medical instruments, a twisted lab setting, and copious amounts of bodily fluids. Not to mention all the unusual specimens. And the subsequent rollicking over hilly pastures. Yeah I know it doesn't really make sense. But then again, you almost had to be there to understand what the whole sequence of events meant.

But Sephi is mostly relegated to the sidelines now. I don't have that kind of energy to sustain that level of hyperness anymore. I must be getting old.

Estrea, the current dominant persona, came to being some time after. If I had to pinpoint an exact time frame, probably around late 2003-early 2004. She's the most complex of my personas, probably because there's more than 1 Estrea floating around. Let me explain.

The standard Estrea is serious but witty when necessary. Helpful, but doesn't always come across as such. Stickler to the rules...most of the time. Breaks them when necessary. Fun to be around if you can match up to her high standards...if you don't, then well, that's just too bad.

Here's where it starts getting wormy though. The "old model" of Estrea, which is the first version, has the added feature of being absolutely evil to guys in particular. Torments other people with relish, and does it with an easy flair to boot. Not to mention the all-out battles with the kid brother. Now that was fun.

The revised version of Estrea kinda stripped away the all-out evil mode. Now the evil is largely restricted to sly jabs and taunts, basically a verbal evisceration as opposed to actual evisceration. New Estrea is more sedate than the old version, probably because of the energy factor. It's a little hard to be evil, cause it really drains your energy after a while. Trust me, I know these things.

Oh then there's kid Estrea, where she gets chibified...personality-wise. Becomes all childish and would tug pleadingly at mommy's sleeve asking for hugs. Yeah I know. But childishness does not equate immaturity though. Kid Esty knows about real life, but want to indulge in childish pleasures to act as an escape from reality for at least a while. I liked being kid Esty, it was fun.

Well and there's Chaos, more or less the opposing force, being male and all. Conversations between him and the rest can verge on NC-17 sometimes, although Elena protests at such talk. Which promptly gets her sent into a corner with her mouth taped shut. Poor 'lena. Kid Esty doesn't really say much except to cuddle up to whoever's handy. Haha. Normal Estrea and Chaos get on like a house on fire. It's quite fun really.

It's strange having to juggle all these different personalities within me. Grace mentioned how strange it was that while I physically had the body of a normal 18 year old, my emotional age was probably around 5, and my mental age around 50 or more. It's a precarious balancing act to make sure that I don't go too far to either side.

It's a crazy crazy world. Being me is hardly easy. How the heck do you reconcile a 5 year old and a 50 year old within an 18 year old body? They can't combine, and they sure as hell can't be destroyed or separated. It's an absurd little symbiotic relationship going on. The only reason my mentality doesn't collapse is because the inner kid provides a sort of release, an escape for all the cynicism and bitterness. And the harsh adult protects the inner child from the reality of the world by taking all the hits. And there I am, sitting in the middle, trying to play referee, babysitter, and juggler all at the same time.

I'm only 18. Or I will be in 23 days. I can't take all these things. Little wonder I'm beginning to develop a split psychosis to deal with my vastly different sides. It's a miracle that I didn't end up with bipolar disorder...which would have made the whole mix worse.

Anyway, enough of this. Can't take another analysis of the deeply ruptured images of me.