Tuesday, March 14, 2006
I'm feeling angsty.
No, that's not a good description of my current state of mind. I do not in any way feel depressed, despondent, angry, or any other expressions of angst. I'm just restless.
That's never a good state for someone like me.
If there's one thing I hate more than being irritated or angsty, it's being restless. It's as if there's an unconsumable flame in me, threatening to let loose, but somehow unable to.
I think I need to write to get it out. I can't play games. I can't even watch BoA videos for some measure of peace. I can't read a book. I can't do ANYTHING.
If writing can help me find my peace, I'll gladly produce a good lot of rubbish if only to work it out of my system. Then proceed to burn all the pointless tripe after I complete it. If anyone thinks I will publish nonsense in any other place than this blog, one is sadly mistaken.
Ok I need to do something. If the option were open to me, I think I would go out and drink myself into insensibility. Or hit the pubs for random one night stands. But knowing me, my morals have not slipped to that level yet. But I worry about the future. I could end up like that if I didn't watch myself.
I need something to just take my mind off things. I think I can go read pointless lemons just to distract myself. I hate this. Absolutely hate this. God. Its worse than being bored. If it were just simple boredom it would be easy. Restlessness compels me to DO things. Gah.
Forget it, just forget it.
I don't want to think damnit. I don't want to. I freaking as hell don't want to. I think I know why some people drown themselves in vices like drinking, whoring, or drug abuse. They just don't want to think.
I don't want to think either. But my way is not the same. It is still destructive, but not in the same sense as the aforementioned vices. Ugh. Urge for violence. For blood. Sex. Whatever. Just something to get rid of that demon in my head. Even Chaos is less annoying.
Excuse me while I bite little chunks of my flesh off my hands.
]
No, that's not a good description of my current state of mind. I do not in any way feel depressed, despondent, angry, or any other expressions of angst. I'm just restless.
That's never a good state for someone like me.
If there's one thing I hate more than being irritated or angsty, it's being restless. It's as if there's an unconsumable flame in me, threatening to let loose, but somehow unable to.
I think I need to write to get it out. I can't play games. I can't even watch BoA videos for some measure of peace. I can't read a book. I can't do ANYTHING.
If writing can help me find my peace, I'll gladly produce a good lot of rubbish if only to work it out of my system. Then proceed to burn all the pointless tripe after I complete it. If anyone thinks I will publish nonsense in any other place than this blog, one is sadly mistaken.
Ok I need to do something. If the option were open to me, I think I would go out and drink myself into insensibility. Or hit the pubs for random one night stands. But knowing me, my morals have not slipped to that level yet. But I worry about the future. I could end up like that if I didn't watch myself.
I need something to just take my mind off things. I think I can go read pointless lemons just to distract myself. I hate this. Absolutely hate this. God. Its worse than being bored. If it were just simple boredom it would be easy. Restlessness compels me to DO things. Gah.
Forget it, just forget it.
I don't want to think damnit. I don't want to. I freaking as hell don't want to. I think I know why some people drown themselves in vices like drinking, whoring, or drug abuse. They just don't want to think.
I don't want to think either. But my way is not the same. It is still destructive, but not in the same sense as the aforementioned vices. Ugh. Urge for violence. For blood. Sex. Whatever. Just something to get rid of that demon in my head. Even Chaos is less annoying.
Excuse me while I bite little chunks of my flesh off my hands.
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