Aeternus, Eternus

*gasp* 2000 visits to my poor blog!

A milestone!

*pause* Although I'm sure at least a third of the visits are by me myself. Lol. I just adore reading my own blog. Meh. Call me a narcissist that way.

Raining now, going back to qss to visit teachers later. And Chengwei, I know you forgot you cap with me! I only realised it when my dad came to pick me up yesterday. Lol.

Hungry. Food. Eat.

I have a one track mind. Cya!

I don't feel particularly schizoid today, but since konks asked...

*paces around*

Hmm...

Rain is good, yup!

XD

Eto......*paces some more*

Great, I was needing a new alias and konks provided me with one. Now I need a last name. Hmmm...

No I'm not going to talk about it here. Because that one is for a special purpose. Everyone knows my writer-alias is Krista. Estrea is my all-purpose username. Haha.

Ah, konks helped me find the right surname. How useful. A new alias at last!

May the new anonymity begin.

P.S. Well does this post satisfy you konks? I'll post more once I get morbid urges that have nothing to do with shoujo ai. I think I owe you a break from the yuri-ness. Lol.

Well that was unusual.

4 years is a long time, I said. Darn right it was. Of course I've improved in my writing since then. Or else I wouldn't be in JC, taking humanities subjects, would I?

Still, I guess the first thing she saw must have been Never Again, and well, that one was pretty good, if I do say so myself. One of the better stories in the continuum.

A lot of the others leave much to be desired, but I try my best. Just put up another, really really short one, titled Solitaire. It just seemed right, and considering the source of inspiration, it's just too appropriate. Not to mention the connotations...no, you probably won't get it, would you?

It's personally intriguing to see how the most ordinary things can inspire me. In this case, a solitary card game of solitaire did it for me. Heh. Can't remember why the angst fest, but I'd written it when I thought I'd screwed up my computer permanently...which it wasn't really, it's fixable, but I'm in limbo until it's ok again I guess.

Right. Hungry. Food. Eat.

*signs off*

What the hell? What the HELL?? VAT THE HELL?!?!



^ That is what I'm "WHAT THE HELL"ing about.

*thwacks Shizuma with mallet* Bakayarou!!!!!

How could you goad poor Miyuki like that?! x__X You know very well that she's in love with you! How could you do this to her when you know you don't mean to return her love at all! Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

Poor Miyuki. *hugs* She really really needs a break. Time out! *gives tea and cookies to a crying Miyuki* :( I am sad!!

Yes I know Shizuma tries to salvage the situation later after seeing Miyuki cry after that assault. And yes, the silver haired somtimes-vampire totally deserved that slap Miyuki gave her. *sob* Poor Miyuki. She's the most maligned one in the anime, short of Yaya, and only because Yaya is Queen of Angst in training (the current Queen of Angst being Shizuma). Blah.

Ok it's official, my favorite character is Miyuki. *plots to write Miyuki-centered fanfiction for Stopani* Because she really deserves a place of her own.

Well just read the latest chapter of Beauty and the Beast: Mai Otome ShizNat version.

And completely mirrored Beast!Kruger's response to Nao's intrusion during the "date". Which is...

"JULIET NAO ZHANG!!!!"

Lol. I mean, seriously, DAMN. We were like nanoseconds away from a Viola/Kruger kiss. And then Nao dumbly butts her foxy head in, ruining the moment. DAMN.

Still, I can't get over the fact that Tomoe is the Gaston-equivalent here. XD Can we say psychobitch lesbian yet? My god. Lol. And Miya as the henchwoman. Haha.

Also, the tip of the hat to the homo-ramen doujin. GAWD. *chokes on laughter* Good heavens! Ramen that makes one horny for members of the same gender...O__o Come to think of it, not always such a bad idea...*slaps self* Bad thoughts, bad thoughts!

*snicker* I love Nao to bits though. And Chie. And shockingly enough, Shiho. As Cuddlyness mentioned in her post on the forums, Shiho is hilarious ALL the time. The moment she comes on screen, she's worth a laugh. XD Even in the doom-and-gloom of the last few episodes, the mere appearance of Shiho the High Priestess of Maki-Maki (complete with cultist apparel and Maki-phallus) manages to earn a few snickers from me.

Will quote Cuddlyness for one thing that will live down the ages.

Shizuru all the time: Shizuru

And what does that mean, pray tell? That, dear friends, means that our beloved Shizuru-oneesama is in a completely different category of her own...as she so richly DESERVES to be. Muahahaha. Who else can pull off being homicidal with elegance, deadly while beguiling, teasing while sipping tea with that indefatigable smile? Not to mention her accent. Oh GODS. *swoons at Kyoto-ben* It's just something about Shizuru...*huggles plushie* ...doesn't dare to huggle real thing due to scary Natsuki lurking protectively over Shizuru...

Hehe. My goodness. Sheer fangirlism ya? Not even Haruka and Michiru got such worship...probably because they're THE sacred couple, which everyone knows better to touch or separate. I can't stand to see Haruka and Michiru with other people really. They're meant for each other, a Destined Couple (heck, that's their theme song in the Seramyu!). Heaven forbid they should be split up. Gah.

Still, it's amusing. The other destined couple I can think of is Chikane and Himeko. No one should split them up. Not after we viewers suffered like that for a good 11 episodes. Souma should NOT be a factor at all. XP

Usagi and Mamoru are another destined pair, but a lot of people in fanfiction keep getting rid of poor old Mamo-chan and replacing him with either Rei or Seiya (these two are the most common anyway, but Usagi has been paired with just about every senshi possible in fanfiction world). I personally think its wrong to keep doing that. Keep Usagi and Mamoru together. They richly deserve each other. No, I'm not going to explain that. :P

It's somehow curious to note that I don't mind adding Nao to my ShizNat pairing. Yeah, a threesome would be interesting. Keep in mind the fact that Natsuki got termed "bondage victim" in the Hime continuity, no thanks to Nao and her spider Child, Julia. XP A threesome would definitely be fascinating. ^__^

I realise I have a weakness towards a few archetypes of anime characters. For male characters, I tend to go for either the super-cool/aloof long haired bishounen type (Yue from CCS, Sinistra from KG, Amon from WHR), or the earnest carefree type (Daisuke from DN Angel, Yoh from Shaman King).

For girls it's usually these few types. One, the ubercool ultra-strong fighter/warrior/whatever that look cool while they dispatch enemies with ease (Shizuru!!!, Miyu from Hime/Otome). Two, the tragic-but-still-cool/strong type (Chikane from KnM, Shizuma from Stopani). Three, the quiet and detached/distant type (Rei from NGE). Four, dumb blondes who are actually smarter than they appear at first (Doujima from WHR, Minako from SM). Five, strong and silent support figure character (Youko from Marimite, Miyuki from Stopani). Six, flirty and suave type (Sei from Marimite, Chie from Otome).

I think that's about it. These are the broadest categories I can come up with. And I have to go now. Lessons. ^__~

Short post before bed.

Don't really feel sleepy but what the heck anyway.

Mapled a bit with Erika just now, my com actually cooperated for a bit more after Rika logged off and I was able to slaughter wild boars for the next half hour with the occasional lag...but I didn't die. Thank goodness for white potions. XD

Then peeked in at the shoujo-ai forums, nothing much going on there yet. Ep 21 subs not yet out...I think? Lol.

Peeked in at BJj forums. Nothing much of interest. I just pop in once in awhile to see while the kids are doing. XP

Swung by the Ohana forums earlier. Didn't feel like talking, so went right back out.

Then looked in at FFnet. Nothing new. I still only got one review for my Jubei-chan fanfic. Ah well, it was a good review though. I feel flattered after that.

And here I am now, summarising the events of the last hour or so. Meh. I feel like I'm being weird here.

Right. Off to bed now. Ja!

Doh.

Human nature can be terribly ugly at times.

No matter where I go, online or offline, I meet ugly people---and I don't mean their looks. Ugly personalities are disgustingly prevalent.

Forum to forum, I've seen nitwits and bigots all around. There are some who actually like peace and do the whole negotiator/peacemaking thing when ever WWxx breaks out.

Being the person I am, I naturally TRY to make peace whenever possible. That does mean that I usually have to suppress my own argumentative nature to one-up the other's argument. I'm in no mood to type whole essays that are iron-clad cases out of the exam hall. I don't get scored for it, so why bother? Besides, I really have better things to do than rebut every single point the other person makes.

Still, though, my current stint in the shoujo-ai forums is going pretty well, despite the latest unpleasantness of the 'shipping wars', or in other words Tamao/Nagisa fans vs Shizuma/Nagisa fans. Lol. Actually, it was one of the Tamao camp dudes who went all hyper-defensive and accusing the Shizuma camp of "degrading" Tamao and that Tamao is the only one that "deserves" Nagisa.

Personally I don't have any particularly strong convictions for any particular pairing in Stopani yet. Sure, I like Shizuma/Nagisa better than Tamao/Nagisa, but that's only because the plot development is obviously geared towards the former and not the latter. All the characters are likeable (yes, even the Evil Lesbian Duo, they're too wacky/funny to properly dislike), so I can't say that I have any ill dispositions towards any particular character. Well, except possibly Hikari, who annoys me with her handling of the Yaya situation and her extremely boring relationship with Amane (who is one of the most 2D characs on Stopani as of now...even Oshibaru, a BEAR, has more personality than her).

Still, I don't really hate any character (like how I hated Shiori in SKU...grr) in Stopani. I do have favorite characters though, like Chikaru (who has been in the sidelines for far too long if you ask me) and Miyuki (severe sufferer of Tomoyo syndrome). Shizuma used to rank quite high, but she slipped a bit due to the lack of coolness in recent episodes. I mean, angst is ok, just don't overdo it. I sympathetise with Shizuma's plight, and I wish the best for her, but until she regains her feet and becomes "cool" again, she stays where she is on my popularity list.

Surprisingly though, the Evil Lesbian Duo, Kenjou and Momoni, are fairly high on my list. Probably due to the sheer wackiness in their relationship. They are constantly depicted as plotting against Hikari/Amane, with Kenjou attempting to rape Hikari twice so far, and failing both times because she tends to give random off-topic speeches before doing anything, and by the time she finishes, either Amane or Yaya comes to the rescue. Lol. Not to mention all the countless times we see them naked in the bath...together. Lol. Theirs is probably the most explicitly canon yuri relationship. The other being Shizuma/Kaori, but since Kaori is dead and all...all the other triangles are still unresolved (the Miator one is currently paralysed, and the Spica one seems to be "on hold").

Anyway, back on topic on the shoujo-ai forums. Finally, a place where they actually GET MY JOKES! Behold the power of negi and maki maki. And Sir Gay Wong. :P We understand the awesomeness that is Shizuru, and people actually understand what it means when I say someone acts like Satou Sei. XD The trauma of the Yamibou ending, the twists of Kannamiko---and what they mean by WATCH UNTIL THE VERY END!!!

It's nice to have a place where your references are instantly understood and everybody laughs together. Sure we have our disagreements, but we get over it.

Well anyway, Erika's nagging me to go onto maple, so I'll humor her and get on for a bit. ^__^ It's good for the soul...well, Konks understands what I mean. ^__^

Catch ya later!

I think I just found my quote of the day.

When life hands you lemons, read them over and over and over again.

I went from O__O to O___o to o___o before going all FWAHAHAHAHAHA.

Though its true. But then again, good lemons are hard to find.

*goes back to read Mathias's Minaru lemon*

XD

My current favorite song is the Stopani first OP, Shoujo Meiro de Tsukamaete by Misato Aki. It's faast and upbeat and good for just plain emoting. XD

Anyway, gotta go shower now. Swing by later!

God blesse us, and his mooder Seinte Marie!

No there are no typos. This IS the kind of language I have to live with while studying Chaucer's text. And this isn't even the worst possible line I can show you.

This was the concluding part to the Merchant's Tale, and I resisted the urge to snigger when I saw that. Too much Marimite does that to me. After all, it does translate to "Maria-sama is watching" and in both cases (the anime OR the lit text), whatever Maria-sama is doing, she definitely isn't watching. :P Or at least, she's most definitely mortally offended by what she sees.

Why do I snigger? It's basically a logical reaction when one notes the irony. The Merchant's Tale is full of irony, and Marimite isn't really any better. I mean, you have girls kissing each other in front of her statue---specifically Sei and Shiori. Somehow that strikes me as incredibly heretical. Haha.

And having May deceive Januarie the way she does in the book is definitely amusing. The humor is occasionally crude, but amusing nevertheless. The only admirable character in the Tale is probably Justinus, and he plays only a bit part in the beginning. All the other characters are flawed, including the Merchant himself who is the proverbial narrator of the story. I still can't get over how Damian was left up the pear tree in the end though. It would be HILARIOUS if we could see this acted out in a play...oh wait, I saw it in the play before. Meh, I remember laughing when the actor and actress for Damian and May respectively start "jumping on the pear tree" (well they can't actually show sexual intercourse on stage, can they?). That was priceless.

Ok I gotta go for some counselling session thingy now. Whatever.

SEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!

Still the unapologetic Sei fangirl I see.

Everyone is gay for Sei...hey, that rhymed! :P

Read a Sei/Youko fic and decided that one line (by Youko) was incredibly appropriate.

“Why? Why? I thought I was over you. I was almost acting normally around you. I thought I was going to be okay this time.”

"...I don't want you to be my Shiori."

Wtf lol. *saves last line to memory bank* That was classic, and it spans to SKU as well. XD

Still though, I had much the same response to a certain crush of mine back in year 1. The whole "I'm supposed to be over you!" thing came when I saw her again. I was like, damn, so close to forgetting she ever existed, and then she bumps into me and I get all stutter-y again. Damnit lol.

Life is funny that way sometimes. ^__^

*waves Sei/Youko flag*

XD

*holds up Everybody Loves Sei banner*

XD;;

*chibi Sachiko pops up*

SD-Sachiko: Hey, I thought I was one half of the main pairing with Yumi!

*dangles Yumi-doll in front of chibi Sachiko*

*chibi Sachiko loses focus and blindly follows Yumi-doll off-stage*

^___^

*whirr* *click* ...his has bee...*click*...een an Anim...*whirr*...oadcast. Tha...*beep*...u for tuning in. *beep* *click*

Why, why is it that my favorite characters in an anime invariably either turn out to be female and/or outed lesbian? -___-;;;

You don't believe? See following statistics and decide for yourself.

Fav characs list....

Evangelion:
Ayanami Rei
Katsuragi Misato

Marimite:
Satou Sei (outed lesbian, if past with Shiori is any indication)

Mai-HiME/Otome:
Fujino Shizuru/Shizuru Viola (obviously outed lesbian)
Midori (Otome version, possible pairing with Youko...?)
Miyu (Otome version rocked, and let's not get into the whole pedobot thing...)

Kannamiko:
Himemiya Chikane (this is completely obvious)

Jubei-chan 2:
Yagyu Freasha (transformed, she looks femme fatale...*drool*)

Hellsing:
Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing (super-long name, but wtf, Integra is cool)

Sailor Moon:
Tenoh Haruka (duh, one half of the most classic lesbian anime pairing)
Kaioh Michiru (the other half of the CLAP ^)
Tomoe Hotaru
Aino Minako (PGSM is a dead giveaway of da lesbian-ness)

Shaman King:
Kyoyama Anna (mean left hook, right hook...x__x)

Utena:
Arisugawa Juri (yet another outed lesbian)
Kaoru Kozue (why do I get the feeling that she's bisexual? Probably because she does it with ANYBODY and EVERYBODY?...lol?)

Witch Hunter Robin:
Doujima Yurika (damn, another blonde!)
Robin Sena



Meh, that's all I can think of for now. I do have male fav characters in anime, like Yue from CCS, Dark and Daisuke from DN Angel, Sinistra from Kiddy Grade, Alucard from Hellsing, Amon from WHR...that kind of thing. Heck, half of them are the long-haired bishounen type. Bleh. Lol.

I just happen to like cool/strong female characters. Cool and strong male characters are almost a dime a dozen in anime, and only a select few of those make it into my favorites list. Meh, I'm picky.

Anyway, gotta go and TRY to sleep now. Sleep has been strangely hard to come by. I can't seem to sleep for the past few nights. So konks, are you affecting me or am I affecting you? <___< The coincidence is almost unnerving lol....

I won't cry and drag my feet anymore. Because I know I can be strong too, and I don't need to be like a little kid who refuses to budge out of sheer stubborness.

Sometimes, thinking too much can be a burden. Better not to think at all.

Isn't that what everyone wants of me?

Suddenly, the story in The Usual Stakes doesn't seem all that far-fetched anymore.

Still, it's a good thing to get good grades, go to university, get a job, never mind what I wanted before.

The clear, bright line from A to B is still there. I'm just following the path others set before me. Less confusion ne?

I cannot be selfish all the time after all. I am, no matter what I thought before, still obligated to others. My actions will affect others. Therefore I'm not only responsible for myself, but also for others. I cannot be so self absorbed and ignore that fact.

Because I'm not stupid. I will listen and I will follow. Let them be happy.

After all, I still have one last rebellion of my own. Call it my last trump card.

*cups a lily between my hands* My, isn't it beautiful?

And that's all I have to say.

*hugs Satou Sei*

She needs one. x__x

*huggles Sei again*

Because she's just too cool. XD

I'm beginning to really dislike the name Shiori. Both of the girls who hurt my Juri-sama and Sei-sama are both named Shiori. x__x This is evil.

Still, if I want to be like someone, I want to be just like Sei. Juri and Shizuru are nice, but Sei is...I dunno...funnier? Sad, angsty sometimes, but I love that grin of hers. Lol. And the suprise-glomps on Yumi are fun. Haha.

Yeah been watching Marimite. That is, Maria-sama ga Miteru. Decided I really like shoujo animes. See, I'm still really girly inside...anou...that is...ahh...

...never mind.

Anyway, been in a much better mood. *shrug* Decided that some things just aren't worth dwelling over for now. Gee, I feel like Sei. Cool! *huggles Sei plushie*

Sachiko and Yumi look fun together. Of course, Yumi and Sei have great chemistry. Then there's Sei/Youko, and likely Sei/Shimako. It might be my imagination, but Shizuma and Miyuki from Stopani remind me of Sei and Youko respectively. O___o Lol.

...hey, wouldn't that make Nagisa a Yumi-clone? Eh, maybe not. There are similarities, but Nagisa and Yumi have a different feel about them for some reason. Heh.

Lol. I wub Sei. This makes it the...ah...3rd blonde anime girl I have a serious obsession with. The others being Tenoh Haruka and Aino Minako.

Of course, Sachiko gave me the immediate feeling of "AHH! Tall, Dark and Bishoujo candidate!" Lol. I love her hair. x__x Reminds me of Chikane from KnM for some reason.

And I think that Yumi looks better with her hair down. Just like Nagisa does. I wonder why they tie their hair up when it looks better down. Meh.

Sei-sama looks better with shorter hair than the waist-length one she had in her 2nd year. It goes better with her slightly playgirl look. Lol. *snicker* Besides, when she had long hair, she kept reminding me of Aino Minako, minus the red bow. Oh, and their eyes, even though they both have blue eyes, Sei's eyes are somehow..different. *shrug* Meh.

Loving Marimite so far. It might be kinda slow for some people, and too subtexty (well nothing really ACTUALLY happens...except for the flashback of the kiss between Shiori and Sei). Seriously. Oh well, it leaves more to work with for the fanfic authors. ^__~

Okie dokie. Me to go now. Ja!

There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not a man.


Original Quote by Salvador Dali: There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.

Still works though.

Next up, on Poetry Central.

---> Worming an Apple

First hint of inspiration in Smith's Lit class, the poem titled "The Addict" giving me mental images of someone trying to rip out the addiction with a knife while ignoring the screams of the person.

Thinks of Knife. Randomly thinks of Apple. Then a Worm in the Apple. Knife, Worm, Apple...get rid of the Worm from the Apple by using the Knife!

And hence, this was born.

Worming an Apple

It's in there, sneaky little -shit-
Bastard, conniving menace
Skulking stealthily, burrowing
Still deeper, inside pristine red sheen
Covering an unmarked prize.

We stare at the tiny hole -unseen-
Spy's entrance tunnel, infecting
Destroying value of tasty treat---the stomach roils
At the gruesome thought, of gleeful worm
Wantonly wiggling in evil glee.

Strong the temptation to discard, yet hunger -greed-
Marks one still clearer, a singular goal
To satisfy a thirst---not to waste
The commandeered apple, richly endowed
Hope for the starving vultures.

Revulsion claws deep, tempestuous thoughts of -damnations-
Little invader, waging war
Within private property---indignation rises
Like the wave of bile up the gullet
Suppressed, but there, determined.

Only one way to it, a solution -yeehaw!-
Proposed by loyal hawks, simple
Logical response---root out the insurgent!
Sharp blade sought like a deadly hound
Search and destroy, the only way
The terrorist must die.

Dig, carve, slash and ferret -where?!-
Out nothing thus far, still
So close yet so far---a deadly dance
Just barely touching, nipping the edges
Yet still a step behind.

Frustration runs deep, juices -argh!-
Draining away uselessly, wasted
On a futile chase---time to slow down
Seek, but carefully
We'll get them this time.

There! A final thrust -die!-
Expertly delivered, deathblow
To a vital area---is it dead?
Seems so, now to haul 'im out
We've got much to do.

Stares at apple, stares at corpse -hmm-
Tiny worm looks so small, insignificant
And now to eat the apple---oh no!
Nothing left, juices dry
Stripped and battered
An Apple Apocalypse.
========================================================

Amusing little allegory. Fun enough to take at face value. But what are the deeper allusions? The "Apple Apocalypse" was a completely random idea! I was like, hey, alliteration! And that was that.

Hint: it's related to war. *cough*

Russian Roulette

Musical *click*, sighs of relief
Passing turn to player next, picturing serenity
Moments of truth relived, Fate's trigger poised
Dropping with another *click*, amusement runs dry
Next to go, take a turn
On Destiny's wheel, one of four left
To Chance, prayer whispered
Gifted by Lady Luck, *click*
Goes the next round, Fate's trembling
From one hand to another, uncertain
To seize Chance by the throat, fearful
Eyes fixated on Fortune's axe, a twitch
And breathes again with lovely *click*, passed
On to the next, Dionysus's fool
Pumped with foolish bravado, by devil's brew
Fading quick in Hypnos's gift, brother
Beckons with sinking dread, a second swig
For temporal boost, and *click* goes the wheel
Stopped, at last man standing
Vividly, a deadly scythe to reap
All that is due to it, for soul's a coming
To Elysian or the Pit, even the gods knew not
Until yet another *click*, and Hades frowns
Wrinkles deep, Orpheus's feat repeat
Miracle worked of human deed, alive
To turn, when Jackals screech
Scales of Anubis a-tipping, *clang*
Feather floats high, Judgement comes by
*BANG*

Design flaw, a human mistake
Thoth scribes again on scrolls papyrus
And Ammit grows fat on yet another dinner.
==========================================================

Who dies? Orpheus or Eurydice? One thing's for sure, neither of them's got their hands clean, so either way Mr Crocodile-head gets a meal.

Such is the game of Russian Roulette. ^__~

Didn't sleep at all.

Went to bed at 10pm. Was wide awake from then til now.

Then decided at 4am: What the heck, let's switch on the com.

ON the com. 4.30am. What the heck do I do now?

Answer: Watch anime. Hmm...Kannazuki no Miko?

Rewatched Episode 1 of KnM. Had to resist urge to giggle out loud. What with Souma going all "RAAAARRR!! I'll fight Orochi!! I'll protect Himeko!!" in his mecha, and there you have by his mecha's feet, Chikane and Himeko kissing. :P Poor dude never stood a chance right from the beginning. XD

Is re-awed by the Tall, Dark Bishoujo-ness of Chikane. Wipes drool from mouth. Souma is nice and all, but seriously, against Chikane on a horse looking cool, he didn't stand a chance. Haha.

Will watch Episode 12. Watched KnM before already, decided I didn't need to re-angst myself. Tissues are ready. Let's go.

5.30am. Finished Episode 12 of KnM. Is torn between squeeing in delight, and the urge to throw things at the monitor due to the lack of Chikane's face in the epilogue. Familiar feeling really. Felt cheated before, is still mildly insulted that after 10 episodes of angst between episodes 1 and 12, we don't get to see Chikane's face in the epilogue. Damn.

At least however, we got to hear Himeko's confession of love (one of the longest and most sincere yet) to Chikane at the beginning of episode 12. Happiness.

Well, that's all for now. No sleepy headache. Goody.

And now for the evil that is to come later in the day...

You are best described as:
CONSISTENTLY TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF
Words that describe you:

* Uncompromising
* Critical
* Tough
* Frank
* Discerning
* Skeptical
* Empirical
* Astute
* Shrewd

On the Openness Dimension you are:
SOMETIMES CURIOUS, SOMETIMES CONTENT
Words that describe you:

* Accepting
* Flexible
* Educated
* Self-aware
* Middle-of-the-road
* Proper
* Distinctive
* Indecisive
* Adaptable

On Emotional Stability you are:
STEADY
Words that describe you:

* Relaxed
* Even
* Unwavering
* Constant
* Certain
* Together
* Cool
* Detached
* Tranquil

Your approach toward your obligations is:
VERY FLEXIBLE
Words that describe you:

* Impulsive
* Instinctive
* Inefficient
* Erratic
* Careless
* Procrastinator
* Rule-breaker
* Impossible
* Intuitive

When it comes to Extraversion you are:
VERY RESERVED
Words that describe you:

* Quiet
* Reserved
* Deliberate
* Solitary
* Aloof
* Cautious
* Guarded
* Purposeful
* Meditative
-----------------------------------------------

Woohoo. This hits closer to home than I thought it would be. The part regarding my approach to my obligations made me laugh like crazy. The word "Impossible" really got me laughing. I mean, HAHAHAHAHA. Seriously.

*resists urge to show personality report to teachers*

Lol.

The emotional stability part got me thinking: as usual. Come to think of it, despite my occasional (some say frequent) trips into depression/madness, I'm still rather cool and detached from it all on a certain level. It's as if I'm pretending to be crazy and out of it, but deep down there is an ocean of calm (ok maybe not), or at least, a serenity that probably shouldn't be there considering my current circumstances.

My personality report, on the section titled "Agreeableness", really struck me by its accuracy. My approach to Chengwei and his problems (we all have problems, deal with it) completely matched the way how my report said I would handle it. I don't offer false compassion, no matter how much it might have been tempting to do so. Reality bites, and I feel obliged to inform others about it. Unfortunately, that includes myself, and it really REALLY sucks.

The Openness section of the report described me to a T, and its scary how accurate it really is. I won't go into detail, but suffice to say that it matches up to how I thought I was as a person when it comes to intellectual beliefs.

The Conscientiousness part (yes, the one that made me crack up) was also very fitting. I've driven teachers to a corner with my impractical behaviour one too many times. What I didn't realise that clearly was that it wasn't just sheer laziness that motivated me. I just didn't CARE. Period. But when I do, even if I'm late, I'll get it done in spectacular fashion. That's how I am. It probably will (and already has) drive many people insane, but it's as much a part of me as my shyness when it comes to large groups of people. They who keep talking about "changing oneself" sound very nice and helpful, but some things just don't change. Deal with it.

The Extraversion section didn't break any new ground, but it's nice to read about myself sometimes. Yes I'm self-absorbed. Well, at least I'm not busily poking my nose into everyone else's affairs. We're all entitled to our privacy I believe.

All in all, when I was reading the report, I find that the person being described there wasn't ALL bad. I wonder why I dislike myself so much hmm. From what I'm seeing, I'm, you know, not half bad. Lol. A bit lousy on the obligations side, but we all have our little flaws.

My one gripe was with the emotional stability bit. Read this:

When some of your friends can't contain their emotions they might turn to you as the steady rock, the stable one, the person who will remain composed and help talk and think them through their turmoil. You're just what they need, their calm, cool and collected friend, when their emotional world is falling apart.

Also, people who are as calm and secure as you and who, like you, are emotionally composed most of the time, will find you a friend they are comfortable with. They know that when the world goes upside down, and for everyone the world will occasionally stand on its head, you will be there, as secure and unflappable as they are, and are therefore a trustworthy companion through any emotional turmoil.

The FUCK. Excuse the language.

It seems that my post-Mother days of being the strong one for my dad seems to have integrated itself into my personality. I'm comfortable AND safe. No wonder konks has this idea that a certain someone treats me like a comfort friend, who is "always there" and therefore easy to fall back on.

...damnations.

I'm not irreplaceable. I'm just...you know, there. Like a tree. Or maybe a lamp-post. Calmly absorbing carbon dioxide and puffing out oxygen, or just spilling artificial light for the person leaning against me.

Lol. Comparing myself to trees and lamp posts. Interesting eh?

Can't help but think of Shizuru here though. The "calm, cool and collected friend" reminded me just TOO much of how Shizuru was for Natsuki...at least pre-Carnival. Always there, sitting in the Student Council room, sipping tea and teasing Natsuki...but always there for her. Blah. She's like...a constant. THE constant.

And it somehow hurts me to think that I'm just a constant too. Flattering, but hurting as well. Flattering, because, you know, I'm a part of their lives. Hurting, because they won't know or realise how they really feel about me until I'm gone. Whether they actually need me around. Heck, they probably won't even really get to know me, because deep down they feel that I will "always be around", and therefore there really isn't any pressing need to.

No wonder Shizuru snapped. I know part of that was due to the Obsidian Lord's influence, but under that kind of pressure...I'd snap too. But fortunately I don't feel quite as strongly as Shizuru does for Natsuki, so I'm still alright. Partially anyway.

But it must have been pretty tiring to always be the constant. You know, always the same, always there, changing and growing, yet still the same. Am I a constant for anybody? I can think of a couple of people. More or less.

So I'll continue being that comfortable old tree in the backdrop, providing shade and comfort for others, bearing the weight of my burdens without complaint. Just always being there, underappreciated. Not that I'm there for many people in school anymore.

After all, if I disappeared from school, barely anyone notices. The teachers mark down the absences, wonder a bit, then shrug and move on. They, after all, have a job to do. They don't have to prove a point to others.

The rest of my life? Kanai is there for me, but I'm unwilling to reach out to anybody right now. I can't even summon up energy to talk to people, other than the most basic interactions. I'm losing interest even in my favorite things. Except for reading. Because that's the constant for me I suppose.

Back to being a tree/lamp post again I suppose. Maybe I'll log on to MSN and pretend everything's alright for awhile. Doom, after all, doesn't come until tomorrow.

I reach out to you shakingly, uncertainly, a peculiar mixture of fear, hope and love intermingled.

Beautiful flowers are to be loved, are they not?

Do you really hate me that much?

God, this brings back memories.

I've always been watching over you.

I'd feel less pathetic if I had more then myself to hug right now.

I'll protect you. Even from myself. I'll protect you.

Is that how she felt? I feel even worse for her now.

Forgive me?

Forgiveness...such a ephemeral concept.


---> *treads off to re-read some happy stuff*

Are you crying? I think you're crying.

You're so cute.

So sweet, so sad, so adorable, so miserable.

I don't know you anymore.

Hi there, how are you?

We're not so alone, not us.

We're not so very different either.

The more we change, the more we stay the same.

Why are you still crying? Are you still crying, or is it just the rain?

You're hurt. Your hand...it's bleeding.

Of course I can see them.

This time you hit a metal railing, isn't it? Concrete doesn't cut like that.

Poor girl.

At least you didn't hit the bolts, that would have ripped a lot more skin off.

You sang badly, didn't you? I'm not surprised, you can't sing at all.

Your sweat is cold. Are you warm? No? Cold sweat huh? Big deal.

Fallen huh? I guess you could say that. Fallen. That's who we are.

Hush now. Let us find the stars above...even if there are none to be seen.

Look! A faint one, just barely there. Artificial lights blaring in our eyes.

Take my hand, and let's go home.

Let me bear the burden of our sins.

The weight drags me down, yes, each step is an effort.

My back hurts.

No, you go ahead. I'll catch up.

Step by step by step by...step...and my shadow's mocking me.

These hands covered with filth, even the scum stay away. A precious solitude.

I can't run anymore.

Just keep walking, keep moving.

One day we'll find the end of that road. Good or ill, I'll finish walking the path I began.

Just to see where it leads.

Standing by the expressway, watching the cars streak by.

Alternating between light and shadows, the dirty railway against the broad freeway.

Careening from side to side, front to back, balancing on the balls of my feet, squinting up at the azure sky.

Spreading my arms out in pretend flight, we can't reach high enough to touch the sky.

Swaying like a drunken fool, feet tapping in an untaught dance, a bow here, and a curtsey there.

Playing the aristocrat, a noble charade.

I fooled you and you fooled me, letting go of the child's hand, leaving her untended in the midst of the freeway, lost in the crowd.

Blinking away crystal droplets, lost on the wind, pearly chuckles soaring high to join the unmelodic cacophony.

The boom of fireworks in the distance, I could not see.

There were no stars in the night.

Just as there were no stars in my life.

No longer.

Listening to Touch by BoA.

Can't help but be reminded of Britney Spears. O___o

But hell, BoA sounds sexy. Or maybe it's just me. I can easily picture a music video for it. o__o Involving a lot of bondage and leather.... x___X

Yep, not good.

Oh, and I'm getting called to see the principal. Hell-fucking-yeah. Wonder if maki maki-ing might help in any way. Lol.

Just a touch like that huh?

Tonight I'm jaded...touch right there...yeah!

I got my wish for rain...12 hours late.

Thanks a lot.

I hate you and I hate you and I hate you and I hate you.

Go to hell.

No I'm not psychotic. Just mildly deluded. (mildly?!)

I hate you and I want you to die.

Can't even summon up rage anymore. I'm not angry, and my stress headache is acting up again.

Stupid headaches. Tension headaches? Damn pain.

We're so close now, so very, terribly close. Can smell you, taste you, breathe your fear deep into my lungs, so delicious and exquisite. Close enough to kiss, to ravage you with my lips and teeth, biting and sucking and ripping apart and...are you bleeding? Ara, your lip is torn and all sad and bloody...do you hate me? Now now, don't cry, let me take the pain away, yes yes, you shiver, is it cold? Here, come closer to me, I'll make you warm again, your scream is so very melodious, so pretty. Scream for me. Mmm yes, I love it, why, the fire in your eyes is intoxicating, that's it, glare at me, it only turns me on...why won't you look at me anymore? Do you really hate me so? Poor poor thing, so alone and abused, I'll make it all better, don't be afraid of me...I'm the least of your worries...at least, for now.

Did I just do that? Fuck. I'm further gone than I thought.

Goodbye.

Maki maki maki maki maki maki maki maki maki...

I just decided I really like Shiho. Who doesn't like a crazy maki maki girl who messes with voodoo dolls?

And Nao rocks. She kicks ass in Otome, and I won't ever forget how she perched oh-so-causually on a tentacle and taunted Shiho. Heh. And the "Old Ladies Military Club" comment earned her a place in my heart.

Of course, no one replaces Shizuru. Decidedly creepy when she goes into "fight" mode---dead eyes much? Creepiness level taken to new heights with the Tomoe saga. I'm still mentally scarred by the baby noises. *shudders*

*mumbles about negi and maki maki*

A little prayer into the night
A heart's whisper set to flight
A child's sorrow clutched so tight
And the winter's requiem fading to light.

Seasons soliloquy set in marauding June
Loveless porcelain on display in harsh July
Oozing suppuration shut off in August's delight
Silent dirge to a serenading dream.

Crude illusions in setting sun
Elegant web in dusky twilight
Flawless entrapment in darknesse nigh
Hollowed husk in Apolloyon dawn.

Freed in destruction, free
Of night. Ages abound drown
In Methuselah's gift, cup
Of eternal life. Blessed with

An accursed kiss.

Of Life, Love and Tomoyo Syndromes.

Spent a whole 2 hours pacing in a state of undress behind closed doors in my room. Pacing, thinking, talking aloud to myself.

Even when I was alone, I don't usually speak either. So last night was special, in a way. Talking to myself was strangely liberating, especially since it was aloud.

It was odd hearing myself. I sounded...different. Very different. I sounded very unlike my usual speaking voice when in public. I sounded more...confident? More attitude? Witty, sarcastic, Nagi-like in a sense. o__o

Did that make sense? I don't know. But hearing myself speak in a distinctly foreign accent, like the way I sound to myself in my own head, was odd. It was kinda like American/British and looping into some other weird accents.

But I liked it. I don't know. It sounded real. Like for once, I was speaking with my own voice, talking about my own very real insecurities, even if there wasn't anyone else around to listen to it. But it was a start. It felt...like me. It felt real, staring into the whirring fan and speaking to it like it was a real person. Shocking, disgustingly real.

Or perhaps 1am was a bad time to do these things. I just couldn't sleep, like I was on a buzz on something. Just kept pacing, and I started to strip halfway through, cos there wasn't anyone else to see anyway. So there I was, holding a conversation with myself as an audience, gesticulating, explaining, theorizing...being myself.

Sucks to be me sometimes.

She did not know that she was crying---it was foreign to her. Only that a salty liquid was flowing out of her eyes, down her cheeks, and each painful, wracking sob that threatened to simultaneously squeeze her into an atom and tear her apart, all at once.

She clutched at her chest, unknowing, unseeing, as yet another choked breath forced its way out of her throat. Her shoulders shivered with each surge, sending a fresh wave of tears to ebb out from eyes wide shut.

She was on her knees---had once been standing, but somewhere along the way the strength in her legs gave out, and she had collapsed like a puppet cut from its strings, limp and boneless, eyes vacant and shimmering with the sparkle of liquid rising behind the dam.

She no longer knew what was happening, only that there was pain, and the action of crying was perpetuating the agony. She clutched at her chest, fingers hooked and clawing at the breast, as if by some sheer force of will she would dig the infection within her heart out, and cease the suffering she so loathed. It was futile, she knew it was futile, but it did not keep her from want of trying, for it took her mind off that terrible pain.

She shuddered with each heaving gasp, her chest constricting and expanding painfully, as if each agonising nerve was on fire with every movement, and she could barely breathe, her nose clogged full up with a thick substance, cutting off the passage of air. Breath was stolen through a limp mouth, a dark red hole, the edges trembling and slick with saliva, giving it almost an appearance of a wound---gaping open without treatment or remedy.

She did not know what drove her to weep like this. She did not know tears. She was brought up not to know pain, and yet pain she was feeling now, and she could not comprehend it. Where were her advisors, her helpers, her friends? Why were they no longer there to explain this new phenomenon to her? She felt as if her heart would break, torn and shred apart by the sheer force being exacted on it from within and out, and only the barest of self-awareness kept her from writhing like some unborn slug on the floor, curling and thrashing in the relentless assault of pain.

She did not understand. Why would it not stop? The pain had to be driven away. It was a foreign entity, an enemy, and it had no place within her. She must drive it away, by the strength of her own two hands, without help from others. In a bleak moment of realisation, she discovered she could not call upon others, could no longer rely on the services of others to save her, and that this battle was hers alone to fight.

She was alone, and a fresh wave of tears gushed out of red-rimmed eyes. Holding back the nausea with the last shred of her willpower, she steeled herself, reached deep within herself to turn off the waterworks, though the choked sobs that emanated still from her throat took far longer to subside. With a methodical certainty spurred on by the singularity of purpose, she fought down that alien creature known as Pain, kicked at it, shoved it, beat it up, and finally booted it into some remote corner, before closing and locking the door. As an afterthought, she walled it over and put thick, heavy chains across, so that it could not burst out to hurt her again.

She was done, Pain was gone. The tears were gone. But her strength did not come back. She had expended too much into the battle, and now she did not know where she was or what she was to do. Confusion filled her; where was she? Who was she? Exhaustion overcame her senses, and she fell...

...into the Pit. There was no more tears there, no pain, no sorrow. Only unending oblivion, and as time passed, layer after layer of sediment covered the Pit, obscuring it from view. Still she slept, safe in that dark womb of nothingness, away from Pain, her enemy. She would not wake, not now, not until her strength returned to her. And still the walls grew, until to stone it turned, and none could see nor even remember that girl who once was safe, happy and free.
==================================================================================

I blame the KnM ending song, agony, for the source of inspiration for this.

Creation.

Destruction.

Change.

Unchanged.

Opposites.

And then there was nothing.

Childless symphony.

A protector.

A destroyer.

Scales of Judgement.

Tipping the balance.

Melts into chaos.

Endless struggle.

Fixated with a fierce gaze.

Hint of unshed tears.

A proud, unbowed stance.

Jaws set, a sorrowful expression.

All lost, nothing to be found.

Turned away.

An eternal regret.

There's nothing to be said.

Can't remember speech.

Whole conversations in the head.

Forgotten.

Lost dreams.

A spirit dead to the world around.

Crushed.

A fool's lullaby.

Things that freak me out now (otherwise known as things that shouldn't have sexual connotations but do now...)

1) Flutes
2) Negi (green onions)
3) Mayo (don't ask)

*is extremely freaked by negi now*

Poor Natsuki lol.

Oh and things that make me laugh uncontrollably...

1) Global warming (*snicker* two words: Kenjou Kaname)
2) Shining things
3) vampire! Shizuma (*cough*)
4) cosplay club (*coughChikarucough*)
5) nuns
6) uke Natsuki + "devil woman" Shizuru (XD;;;)


And that's it. *is still freaked by the negi* x__x

"You...you IDIOT!!!"

Dark eyes looked up with amusement at the fuming woman in front of her. Raising one hand she casually wiped off the trail of blood at the corner of her swollen lips, flicking the ruby droplets away with exaggerated ease as she pushed herself up from her sprawled position on the floor.

"Still as excitable as before, Seyrine. You haven't changed a bit." A knowing smirk.

A muttered curse, and the injured woman found herself being hauled halfway off the floor by the front of her shirt. Dark hazel met fiery crimson, and before either of them knew it, their lips were crushed together in a bruising kiss. The battered one smirked into the contact, which abruptly ended with a shocked gasp as Seyrine realised what was going on. She hid a wince when she was dropped to the floor, eyes hazed over with pain.

Seyrine dropped to her knees next to her, the fire in her eyes much dimmed. "Why do we always end up like this?" She murmured, lifting one bloodstained hand, the skin clearly unbroken underneath the crimson stains. She looked at her short-haired counterpart, who looked like she had just crawled out of a gangfight.

"If you didn't find beating me up this entertaining, we wouldn't be in this position," remarked the injured woman, who had given up trying to sit up properly and was now regarding the ceiling above her with a vague eye.

Seyrine hid a cough and glared indignantly at the still smirking woman. "You KNOW that's not what I meant, Kerlis."

"Oh really? I can't possibly imagine what your intentions are. Do enlighten me."

The brunette growled deep in her throat and ground her teeth together. "Kerls...."

"Ara? You haven't called me by that for a long time, Sey-chan." An impish grin.

"KERLIS!!!"

The sandy-haired girl cocked an eyebrow at the infuriated girl above her. "As much as I enjoy having you on top of me, don't you think you should save this for somewhere more pri--"

She was cut off by two things: 1) the pressure of hands trying to strangle the breath out of her, and 2) the sensation of her partner's lips on hers once more. Kerlis felt that she would be in heaven, both literally and figuratively, if this went on---breathing soon became a difficulty.

Just as she was quite literally turning blue in the face, Seyrine released her hold around her neck and rested her head on her wounded partner's shoulder.

"You idiot." The fiery girl breathed as she traced little circles on the bare flesh of an exposed shoulder.

"That's why you like me, isn't it?" Kerlis hid a smug grin as she raised one bleeding hand to stroke her partner's soft hair.

Seyrine let out something that sounded like "pfft" and focused one red orb on her sometimes-lover. "You almost died out there! How dare you walk into a fight without me with you! You...you...you..." Her voice fell to a whisper. "...almost...died..."

"Che, I'm alive now aren't I?" A casual wave of her other hand. "Besides, you're the only one who's allowed to kill me anyway. I'm not going to get myself killed by some nobody."

"Idiot!" Seyrine was delivering her trademark death glare again, with no visible effect. Kerlis was, unfortunately or not, the only one with any sort of immunity to said death glare. She grinned cheerfully at the red-eyed monster lying on top of her.

An irritated growl, and Kerlis found herself being quite bodily picked up by her volcano of a partner. Hazel eyes twinkled with mischief as she rested her head against the full bosom of her protector.

"Sey-chan, next time decide if you want to kill me or kiss me. Don't go for somewhere in between like you always do...OW! Hey! I'm injured! A little respect please! Ouch! Seyrine!"
====================================================================

A moment of insanity, I swear! *looks up*

Hmm I have no idea where that came from. Honest. I was going for angst. How it became fluffy was a total mystery. Hmm.

Anyway. I don't care if it's shoujo-ai. I like it. I'm comfortable with it. So that's it.

Ja.

No longer.

Speech became unnecessary.

Food was sporadically consumed, and then only to sustain the body.

A living corpse.

Room of Angel

You lie silent there before me
your tears they mean nothing to me
the wind howling at the window
the love you never gave
I give to you

Really don't deserve it
but now there's nothing you can do
so sleep in your only memory of me
my dearest mother

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
it was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry oh well
here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
goodbye
goodbye

So insignificant
sleeping dormant deep inside of me
are you hiding away lost
under the sewers
maybe flying high in the clouds
perhaps you're happy without me
so many seeds have been sown in the field
and who could sprout up so blessedly
if I had died
I would have never felt sad at all
you will not hear me say I'm sorry
where is the light
wonder if it's weeping somewhere

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
it was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry oh well
here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
it was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry oh well
here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
good-bye
good-bye
good-bye
good-bye

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
it was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry oh well
here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
it was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry oh well
here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
good-bye
good-bye
good-bye
good-bye

============================================================

I will finish what I started. I must.

Then after that, as the song speaks, I will finally be able to say "goodbye".

Is it normal to be so bitter?

Guess not.

So here I am, 4 in the morning, seized by a bitter hatred that refuses to let me sleep. My chest constricts with the sensation, and I can feel the bile boiling out of my throat.

Maybe the bitterness is just the taste of the bile rising up. Wouldn't put it past that.

If seeing friends and enemies die in your dreams is not the norm, then what is?

Oh yeah, hot women fucking each other.

I can't believe I just typed that.

I don't even know which is more disturbing. But out of the two, death and violence seems much less complicated.

But hey, its 4 in the morning. I'm allowed to be kooky at 4 in the morning. I think.

It seems to me that I'm splitting up inside. Fragments, you know?

On one level, a child, crying for help.

On another, a struggling teen.

Yet another, disgust overlaid with contempt.

And the last, the highest, the untouchable, sitting high and pretty on the dais, calmly watching the chaos boiling below its feet, not speaking, simply watching.

I can actually sense the shifts underneath the surface. As if with each person I meet, my personality shifts, and I'm someone else again.

Someone else. When can I be me? Instead of 'someone else'?

Is there a someone else? Or they could all be me, a part of me, yet apart from me. Heh.

The heart is confused, and the path lies in shadow. Damn right.

And they tell you anime is without merit. That line was paraphrased from Jubei-chan 2.

My heart feels simultaneously too small and too large to contain itself and the emotions within it. It hurts. I can no longer tell where I'm going.

Actually, I do know where I'm going. Remember the omniscent persona who just watches without comment. She knows. And what she knows, I know.

Fear is real. Pain is real. Retreating inside a shell.

I think I finally understand why I desire to see wounds on my flesh. It would mirror the scars on my soul and my mind. Are we not flesh and spirit both? Why is it when the spirit is wounded, irreparably or not, the flesh looks healthy? I repudiate it.

I think I see why people cut themselves. And I think the meaning underlying the story that I wrote a few days ago, titled Never Again.

It's a cry for help. CT said that I was in too deep to see how small the problem really was. She's not wrong, but she's not entirely right either.

It might be a small problem if you look at it from the outside. But when you're actually surrounded by it, absorbed into it, drowning in it as your vision narrows from being drawn deeper into the vortex, it becomes your whole world.

That's why I've always felt a certain rapport and understanding with people who hurt. I understand how the problem can enmesh you within the web, constricting you until you can't even draw a proper breath to scream. Your mouth hangs open, but no sound comes out. And the strands of the web cut deeper into you, but no marks can be seen on your skin. And no one knows.

No one can hear you scream. That's the basis behind the cutting, at least it is for me. You need visible proof. Subconciously, you want to be helped. So you call out in a way that seems abnormal to others.

Damn. Of all songs to come out now, it HAD to be Room of Angel. Yeah konks, it's one of the suicide-bait songs. I'm not quite that senseless yet.

Atalia said I had hope. Yeah. I haven't finished Broken Shards. Yeah, I finally saw the ending for Broken Shards. When I started out down that road, I never knew where it would lead, only that I must follow it.

And now I see the end in mind, and I can only laugh in all bitterness. How appropriate! And the words "Death is only a new beginning" suddenly make a whole lot more sense. I didn't even know why I put that on the blog in the first place, only that I should, or must. And now, the end answers everything.

In retrospect, I should have seen it coming. I wasn't planning on it, but the end happened anyway.

They say fiction mimics reality. Now let's just hope reality does NOT mimic fiction. Or that the reality pictured in the fiction doesn't come to life. Otherwise, well, it's not good. Definitely not.

It will remain secret. There are yet more stories to go before the end comes. And even after that, I'll need to edit all the entries. You know, spelling errors, typos, all that nitty gritty. And some entries could do with some rewriting in certain areas. You know, rephrasing, reshooting the scenes in the most ideal angle, that kind of thing. And after ALL that, I still need to arrange them in the proper order. I've just been writing the stories as they come, but to make maximum impact, I will arrange the stories as they SHOULD be read, and that has nothing to do with chronology within the stories themselves. Yes, there is a timeline.

Just like how The Usual Stakes has to be read before Doll.

I will need to rewrite some parts of Confessions, and totally overhaul Letters, probably change the title too.

Never Again will be the 3rd story from the back. The next two, the final episodes, so to speak, will be titled Endgame and Broken Shards, respectively. They are as yet unwritten, but I already have the scenes in mind and how to write them.

It seems strangely appropriate that, after all that running around, we're back where we started, and that's the part of the meaning behind the title. I started out using Broken Shards as the title of the blog, not planning to expand it into the anthology it is now. And now the last entry is also titled the same, and it is strangely fitting, considering the scene I planned in mind. Strange coincidences? I'm beginning to wonder if there are no coincidences anymore.

That I had known all along, deep down, where I was headed.

Before I leave, here's the planned ending of Broken Shards. Not much of a spoiler really. It's just one line. One very short line. One line that encapsulates the quote beneath the blog title.

He turned the page.

That's it. That's all the ending I need. 4 words.

And that is all I have to say.

Am I the only person who thinks Jiyu and Freasha are slashable?

Lol.

I mean, just look at episode 12. It just SCREAMS subtext. No, the subtext was vividly highlighted and emphatically underlined. You'd really have to have a really dysfunctional gaydar not to catch that one. Lol.

I fell in love with the insert song. Sigh. That scene almost made me cry because of that darned song. In case no one knows, it's Nagi ~peace of mind~ by Okazaki Ritsuko.

It's really relaxing to listen to.

And I really think Jiyu and Freasha should end up together. The other male leads are a joke. Heck, there are no real male leads. They're just secondary characters, and UNNECESSARY secondary characters to boot, at least in Jubei-chan 2. Yes I watched the anime. Damnit.

And that's only because I caught the last episode on Channel U (tv). First reaction: wow cool sword fights! 2nd reaction: hey those two gals look good together...

So I went and saw the rest of the episodes. By the time I reached episode 11, I was all "HMMM...interesting". Then episode 12 rolled along and I almost slapped my forehead in exasperation. Those two are slash material, even if they don't realise it themselves. Haha.

Seriously. I mean, whoa. Freasha has a serious daddy complex. And in episode 12 Jiyu actually channelled Jubei's spirit without even realising she was doing it (you have to watch it for yourself). And then the hug and Freasha just crying in Jiyu's arms. That was cute. And check out this scene.


[note: they are both transformed]
[after Freasha caught the blade using Mutodori]

Jiyu: Magnificent.
Freasha: Right now...that was you, Jiyu?
Jiyu: ?
Freasha: That Papa was... Jiyu...? (this part has major fic expansion potential)

[cue sad music]
[Jiyu walks forward and hugs Freesia]
[Freasha drops the sword and hugs back] (XD)
[Freasha starts to cry, and her tears start to change the color of her uniform]
[Both of them sink to their knees, still embracing]
[Somewhere along the way they de-transformed]
[note: Freasha is STILL crying]

Freasha: I always wanted to do this. I wanted to hug Jiyu.
Jiyu: Me too... *tightens embrace* Me too!

[pause]

Freasha: Jiyu...you're so warm...
Jiyu: It's my fever...
Freasha: That's not it, it feels so good. I want to be like this forever. I always thought that...that's...what I wanted...but...
Jiyu: It's fine. Okay? Let's be like this forever.
Freasha: *sniffles* Ok...


Omgosh. So cute. So sad also. Ahhhh. My gaydar was flashing like crazy. Lol. It's terribly sweet. This part can be expanded to have shoujo-ai hints all over it. XD Maybe I should try it out...hmm...

*shakes head* No no no. I have too many things to do. Cannot...be...distracted...

Ugh. Maybe I should request for someone else to do it lol. :P

Anyway, dinner time. Ja!

Not me, Not I by Delta Goodrem
You mixed me up for someone
Who'd fall apart without you
Yeah you broke my heart for the first time
But I'll get over that too
It's hard to find the reasons
Who can see the rhyme?
I guess that we where seasons out of time
I guess you didn't know me

If you think love is blind
That I wouldn't see the flaws between the lines
Surprised that I caught you out
On every single time that you lied
Did you think that every time I see you I would cry
No not me, not I, not I, no not me, not I

The story goes on without you
And there's got to be another ending
But yeah you broke my heart it won't be the last time
But I'll get over them too
As a new door opens we close the ones behind
And if you search your soul I know you'll find
You never really knew me

If you think love is blind
That I wouldn't see the flaws between the lines
Surprised that I caught you out
On every single time that you lied
Did you think that every time I see you I would cry
No not me, not I, not I, not I, not I

All you said to me
All you promised me
All the mystery never did believe
No I never cry no I never not me not I

If you think love is blind
That I wouldn't see the flaws between the lines
Surprised that I caught you out
On every single time that you lied
Did you think that every time I see you I would cry No not I, I won't cry
No not me, not I, not I, Not I
No not me, not I
=================================================================

No I won't cry. I refuse to cry in front of that person. Anyone but her.

Oh and thanks konks, because I think I'm going out to buy the Innocent Eyes album. Lol.

Oh and as an aside, Shizuru's character song in MH is like, wow. *swoons at the Kyoto-ben* Now, I need a translation of the bleddy lyrics. Lol. Perhaps I need Japanese lessons? Hmm...

Times when you realise that your thoughts are echoing one Fujino Shizuru's are times when you should be really REALLY afraid.

It's a bit rough, but I think that the exact words were:

But, your 'like' is different from my 'like'.

Taken from episode 21 of Mai-HiME, time 14:29-32. 3 seconds of extreme pain.

I found myself mirroring that thought earlier--unconsciously I swear!--when I was thinking of something. x__X If I was wondering if I was demented earlier, I can stop wondering now. X__x

Thinking like Fujino is a bad idea. Very very bad idea. Thinking like Viola would technically be less dangerous. Because ultimately, Shizuru Viola is FAR more stable than Fujino Shizuru. And that makes all the difference.

If anyone doubts my assertion, I invite them to watch da Fujino in action in the last 4 episodes of Mai-HiME. Not very pretty. No, she was still gorgeous, just extremely extremely scary.

Why? Why me? Gah.

Why can't I like a normal person? Why do I always go for the ones who can (and will, or already is/are/whatever) hurting me? Bah, humbug.

*glares at ceiling* And I've got a date with the principal tomorrow. Joy. That makes it 3, and 3 times lucky ya? *spits on the floor derisively*

Comparatively mediocre people in school? Heh. Says a lot, that. I'm not really ALL that brilliant. They just suck. Well, most of them do. Some of them I actually respect.

And while I give kudos to those who slog hard for tiptop grades, I probably don't hold them particularly high in my regard. Anyone can go places with hard work. The real stars that shine, well, those are special. Whether they slog or not, that special-ness about them never really goes away. And those people, I respect.

Am I brilliant? A star? Once, maybe. Still am. You can't put out the light so quickly or completely. But kicking their asses? A long time ago, I might have cared. My pride would have demanded it. Now? I might have to try dusting off the little pieces of that so-called pride that still lie in the mud around my feet. That fighting spirit I once had...that swaggering arrogance...I almost miss it. Almost. I was the best then. I had a reason to fight, to put others down. Now? I'm trampled on by the mules who slog blindly through the swamp of school. A bit late really to start. Really.

Never again huh? Never again...

*stares at the scars on my hands, my bleeding hands*