Aeternus, Eternus

Back to school. Ugh.

It's the second day since the holidays. God I miss the holidays. Well sort of anyway. Hmm.

It isn't quite as bad as I thought. I'm happier. Or at least I'm happy on a day where there's no maths lesson. ^_~

And it's totally cool how we had PE the last two days. We played soccer. And I made a mean goalkeeper and defender. But so far my team always loses since all the better, more aggressive players are on the other team. Oh well. It isn't THAT bad. :P

I figure I had better do something or else I'll go mad in maths lesson. I always seem to get dark thoughts then. Once I caught my hand twitching and had to clamp down on it before I accidentally lose control and strangle someone. I guess I have anger issues.

But fortunately I don't need anger management...yet. That's cos I know how to suppress that overwhelming anger and desire to hurt someone. I can squelch my murderous tendencies...IF I want to that is. I shudder to think of day when I actually WANT to kill somebody, and don't bother to stop myself from doing it. That's one of the reasons I don't want any sharp objects and/or potential weapons lurking around me. The temptation to wreck things might be a little too great.

But personally I think blood is messy. If I really want to kill I would either strangle, or use a big stick and start whacking that person's head repeatedly. Less blood spilled, less difficult to clean up. Have you any idea how tough it is to get rid of bloodstains?

But I always had an affinity for knives. Shiny...and so pretty. Flashing in the light...ok I need to stop envisioning how it would be like to take a knife and shove it into someone's stomach. It's getting a little too realistic. -___-;;;

Alright, time to go poke around BJ again, then hope that Kanaii gets back on. I miss her already...again. :D She gave me a new nickname. And no I'm not going to tell you. It's personal. :P But if you have to know, one of her nicknames for me is pogo stick. Yes, pogo stick. But I call her kitty. And she also calls me vampy. Haha. She has more nicknames for me than I do for her. But I hafta admit, the pogo stick one was my own fault...hehe. ^___^

Kz, it's almost 11pm, should go to bed. School, you know. ^_^

I'm in a darkly humorous mood again.

Yes, one of THOSE. No, I'm not PMSing. It's just a little too convenient to blame it on the hormones sometimes...

I won't say I was depressed. Or restless. Just a kind of unruffled calm. And emptiness. And of course, that insufferable smirk that seemed somehow pasted onto my face. I have no idea how it got there.

Well, actually, maybe I do. I was reading a fic. A Harry Potter fic. One of those what-if-Harry-had-been-friends-with-Draco-from-the-start kind. Turns out he becomes a smarmy bastard. Oh well. Life's more interesting with the bad boys.

But anyway, the fic made me cry. Damn hormones! Ok, lapse again. I have to stop blaming my hormones for everything.

But I digress. It's just that I could understand the darker sides of the emotions portrayed in there. I stand impressed at the skill of the author. It's one of the reasons why I still think my writing is "not quite there". My writing still seems too immature somehow. Evidently, the author side of me is still stuck in infancy. What a chore.

But back to the point. I knew how it felt like to have to hide behind a mask. To try and protect that fragile side at all costs. Heck, Harry (the tormented guy here) even has the same kind of little voices I have. The ones that purr "You're weak...so weak..." and also "Love is for fools...stop wasting your time!" and my personal favorite "She's just using you...they're all out to hurt you...they never cared...". I'm sure you get my point.

It still sends a chill up my spine to read the same thoughts in the fic. Especially the one that goes "Weak...". I could almost hear my own voices mockingly echo it. As if I needed any reminding.

The pain. I could feel the pain of the characters. That was why I admired the author. To be able to draw your audience into the story, to make them weep and laugh along with your characters, that is one of the highest levels attainable in writing. I sometimes am able to touch that level, albeit at a lower standard. Kanaii said that my poems were intense. My readers said that my description of the violent fight scenes had them gasping in pain whenever a new wound was opened. But this is all too superficial. I can't convey that deeper level of emotions yet. At least not consistently. It's one of my greater failings.

Speaking of poems, I was inspired to create one on my own. Yeah it's been a long time since I was inspired enough to come up with anything at all. I was wondering if I had lost it. The poetic touch I mean, not my mind. I already lost that a long time ago. :P

Welps, anyway, here's the poem.

Poison

They called me fire, a dangerous flame to fool with.
They said I was evil, twisted creation of a vile mind
They branded me a failure, for what I failed to do
They called me worthless, a spineless weakling

I was all that, and more
I was poison, I hurt all I touched
Tainted and smeared, shade of the past
Poison corrupts...don't you know?

I felt the first searing touch of flame in a dream
Horrors beyond imagination lurked in the abyss of my mind
Endless howling shrieks echo despairingly at the edges of my awareness
And laughter, mocking and taunting, hissing at me

I felt the first icy touch of frost in the dark
Brittle and cold, a rude shock to my sensibilities
So fragile, yet so harsh
And the eternal winter descended, encasing me in a loveless embrace

I tasted the bitterness of hate and pain, of regret and fear
How it consumed me in the very vileness of it!
And yet I willingly thirst for more
Eager it seems, to drown in sin of the darkest kind

I fled from the light, right into the bowels of darkness
I was afeared, for Light was hypocritical
But Dark, in its unchanging solitude, changed not
Perhaps I was just a coward, afraid of change

All I had even known, since my descend into the darkness
Was the cleansing flame of Pain
The bitter cold that was Regret
And the fleeting shadows that was Fear

But perhaps, greatest of all was Hate
The perfect solitude that it personified
The utter emptiness it possessed at its best
Hate was the Poison that coursed through my very veins

I am Poison, and always will be
Touch me not, lest ye be burnt
Keep away, lest ye be struck down by the deadly plague
I am Poison…and thou wouldst do well to know that
----------------------------------------------------------

Interesting wouldn't you say? I can't seem to write anything happy. Kanaii had the same problem I recall. We even co-wrote a suicidal poem. Well it didn't start out suicidal. It just sort of meandered its way down to that theme. And contrary to popular belief, I wasn't the one who suggested that "Why don't we just kill our character off?". Yeah I know, lol. Kanaii is really a very complex person.

I like her though. She saw through my hyper bubbly mask, even though all our contact is restricted to MSN. She knew I was hiding something behind a mask. She was right. And all that just through the first few times we chatted. That kinda scares me...am I that obvious? Or is it just because Kanaii and I are just birds of the same feather? I like to think that it's the latter, for obvious reasons.

I had always hit it off well with her. I never regretted adding her to my list of contacts. She was easily the most vivacious and interesting chat buddy I've had. And understanding too. She understood my pain--we've had similar experiences. I understood her too, so I guess we just drew on that. It's nice to have people who know what you are going through, since we didn't have to do any awkward explanations. We just knew. We had an understanding, so to speak.

And I'm getting all sentimental-like again. All weak and mushy. *laughs ironically* Of course I would say that. It wouldn't be me if I didn't mention that. I despised weakness, of any kind. It sure explains why I sometimes held a deep contempt for myself. I think I take myself a little too seriously sometimes. Oh well we all have our faults. I guess I just can't let go of my oversized ego and preconceptions. Lolz.

I have this freaky smirk on my face now. I guess I completely forgot to explain how I got it. I guess it's an extension of reading about how Harry smirks too. I would make a good Slytherin, of that I'm sure. I have the fire within me, the drive to succeed at ALL COSTS. No care for the consequences. It's a surprise that I've held myself back like a good girl for so long. Guess it's the lack of opportunity, and I'm just plain scared to do anything anyway. I'm a coward remember? Too bad I'm in bad company. Bad as in there's no one quite like me, quite like the coward I am. They're so fucking happy. I wish them the best though. Happiness, true happiness, is probably the most precious commodity in life. We have to pay for it with pain and other assorted inconveniences, but I guess it's worth the price. For me though, I'm just waiting. Just like Kanaii. Waiting.

Well I'll just sit here, wide awake despite it being almost 1am in the morning. Maybe I'll find reason enough to sleep...maybe.

Just stopping by cos I'm really bored. Bored out of my mind. I think I'm losing it due to the intense boredom.

Yes, I know, I'm exaggerating. But it's not really very funny to sit in front of a computer screen while all flushed red. It's gotten unbearably warm where I'm sitting. You would do well to note that I said "where I'm sitting".

You know, when my mind is utterly bored, and my consciousness also registers itself under the same label, my brain starts to kick into overdrive. And I guess reading semi-lemony stuff right before that didn't help. Cos when my mind goes into hyperdrive, it takes a random topic and starts going off into tangents with it. It sucks right now. Really sucks.

Why? Cos right now my mind decided that it needed some fun and then it threw in some new things. Things like an extra personality into my already messed up head. And as for who the personality belonged to, it's my hormones, if you have to know. -___-;;;

And right now they're chattering incessantly. I guess when I'm bored out of my mind, I really go "out of my mind". No I'm not really crazy. Just possibly deluded. And not to mention incredibly bored.

But what's so disturbing about little voices doing flip-flops in my head for fun? I mean, I oughta be used to it since I tango with a permanent resident in my mind everyday anyway. But ya see, the new, and hopefully temporary, voices are going on and on about boys. Ugh. Not that I'm personally adverse against the subject, but it's somewhat, ok VERY, disturbing to have little voices rattling on like sex-crazed nymphomaniacs.

Eeek. I let that slip. Probably a bad idea. Oh wtf, I'm sick and tired of lying in real life. For once I'll speak my mind. Although I'm sure its probably a mistake. Especially since this blog is read by people who actually know me in real life. The horror. Oh what the hell. They can think what they want. It doesn't stop me anyway.

But anyway, back on topic. I just realised I'm raving. Or ranting. Or whatever it is that lunatics do when they start babbling uncontrollably. >.<

But ANYWAY. Ahem. Where was I? Oh right. So yeah, my mind was going into hysterics, and there I was, sitting on my chair and sweating like hell even though it wasn't THAT warm in the house and the fan was aimed right at me. The reason for my discomfort is apparent. I didn't NEED to know that I had nymphomaniacal voices in my head. Although it's probably just me. The horror. I mean, isn't it kinda horrifying to find out that deep down you're possibly a sex-obsessed freak? Ugh. >.<

I'm going to regret putting all those stuff up there down. Hopefully no one believes me. I mean, who would? The people who know me in real life won't be able to bring themselves to believe it. Even if they do, it would still be a colossal shock. Maybe not colossal, but still fairly considerable. I mean, I acted slightly like a prude in school. Well unless someone was willing to talk about sex freely with me, then I'll also reply freely. But since my close friends are all such prudish people, I act like a prude too. Hypocritical I admit, but it's a mask I put on automatically to fit in. I can easily lower myself to other people's standards, or lift them up and pretend to know what I'm doing. It doesn't always work perfectly, but it's good enough to get me by. I still remember how I fitted like a hand into a glove within the first week of me transferring into a new class (in the same school). Of course after they got to know me, it sorta wore off. Bah I dun wanna think about that or else I'll start griping about it again. And I DID promise Chengwei that I would try to be happy. So yeah. :D

Alright, I sorta cooled off. Focusing on typing this kinda forced out the little voices. I guess it's really true that an idle mind is evil's breeding ground. It happened more than once, like the time when I was bored, and then I started having vaguely murderous thoughts about the people around me. Yeah I know I need to chill. But sometimes, when exploding is not an alternative, imagining horribly graphic deaths for the people you want to explode at is an excellent way to let off steam. Well, it is for me anyway. Yeah I know I'm sick. :D It's fun though. Haha.

It just occured to me that I'm a lot of "D"s. You don't understand? Well here's a list.

-Deluded
-Distressed
-Depressing
-Disappointing
-Devilish (ask Kent, he knows)
-Deprived (doh, I'm a teen with raging hormones, BLAME THE HORMONES!! *cough*)
-Depraved (Uh yeah...whips and chains...knives too... *stares blankly into space*)

Etc etc. I'm too tired to think of more adjectives. And too lazy. Hehe. And don't mind the insane-seeming ramblings. I've calmed down enough right now to think somewhat coherently now. I guess it's just that I'm tired. Maybe I should sign on to MSN, talk to LM, or maybe even Kanaii. But Kanaii's on vacation...I think it was to Japan. Hmm. If she was in Japan I wonder if she could get hold of internet access? I suppose she could. After all, she IS japanese, she grew up there, has a house there. It's only in recent years that she went overseas for further education. So hmm........

Alright then, maybe I should get some sleep. Going to watch the Portugal vs England match later on at 2.35am with my dad. Spend some quality time together for once. Haha.

Viva la England!! :P

Hmmz haven't posted for a while. Lol.

Been pining away for BoA's My Name album to hit the shores of our tiny island country. Hope they don't miss it. Lol! ^__^

Had a talk, openly, with that little voice in my head. Maybe Yunie was right, it's just a figment of my own imagination. But does it matter if it's real or not? It's still fun to talk to someone, anyone. Lol I must be really bored eh?

Point in fact, the little voice comes only when my mind is not otherwise occupied. I guess it's my own way of amusing myself. Besides, the kind of conversation it offers is much more interesting and simulating that what real people can offer me. Well with the possible exception of Kanaii, for the interesting part. The only simulating conversation that I've had with Kanaii was in an email. Lolz. We goof around like crazy on MSN. :D I really love talking to her. It's one of the reasons why I loathe time zones, it cuts down the opportunities for me to talk to her...sigh.

Haha Ben (aka Ferrian, Archpriest of the Temple of Secrets) admitted that he was a well-meaning, but bumbling screwup of a Archpriest. But he argues that no one is perfect, with the possible exception of LM...LOL!!!! My mommy's perfect~~~~ Weeee!!! Lolz! ^__^

Any updates on my life? Eh none. Well other than the fact that I went out on a little trip to Orchard Road today. Was trying to see if BoA's 4th album was out. Lol. Walked from Heeren to Plaza Singapura, then back again. I'm such a weirdo. Hehe. I played arcade games at P.S. :D

I never even knew I could play GGX!! GGX=Guilty Gear X. I did EXTREMELY well, better than I ever did on other fighting games. Well I didn't manage to beat Testament--that's the final boss--but to go through like that was no mean feat. Considering that I have NEVER played GGX ever before. And I was using Sol Badguy...I LOVE his Fueneken!! Ky Kiseke's Furaiken doesn't seem as cool lol! And it took me a while to beat May and that stupid anchor of hers. She even summons a dolphin! As her special attack...yes you didn't read wrong, it WAS a dolphin. -__-;;

And I was so horrified of having to use Sol to beat the living daylights out of Millia Rage. Cos that's my favorite GGX pairing. Lol. But that didn't stop me from handing her ass back to her in 26 seconds. Yeah Millia was such a pushover, I couldn't believe it either. Haha. But shockingly, I took even less time to whack Venom's butt...using only 24 seconds in the first battle. The 2nd battle took a little longer. Lol.

Faust was kinda tough, cos I was still trying to get the hang of using Sol in the first few matchups. But once I figured out how to use Sol more effectively, it was a lot easier...

OH! Something funny! I used one of Sol's special attacks to finish Millia off in the 2nd battle, and it involved him embracing her. Lolz. And it looked kinda like a kiss haha! Cute move lol.

But Testament was so damn fucking hard. I only managed to beat him once, and only through sheer luck--cos I managed to get the first hit in and then pinned him up to one side and continued hitting him until he was at very low health. But he managed to whack the hell outta me in the 2nd and 3rd battles. Grr. I was SO close! Damn.

I didn't get to fight Zato...which surprised me. I would have thought that I would get to fight him, but since Testament was the last guy...so yeah. Oh, and Testament looks like a girl from certain angles. But he has a cool entry. Darn him lol.

Alright, my dad's yelling at me to get off. Oh well, til next time then! :D

Your soul is DARK. You aren't too happy with your
life, though you may feel you should be. You're
probably solitary, pessimistic, brooding,
possibly nocturnal, but mostly a general
unknown. You might have a hidden liking for
pain and destruction, but you're probably more
masochistic that sadistic if that's true. (look
it up if you don't know what they mean!) Those
that think they know you tend to place you
closer to evil on a scale of good and evil,
which might not be true. What people see may
not be who you actually are. Some people fear
you and others mock you. What isn't really
known, though, is that you're not pure evil.
You're just a mysterious, misunderstood - and
sadly, forsaken - soul.


What Is Your Soul's Trait?
brought to you by Quizilla

Crud, another one. Damn I'm really bored.

FROZEN QUEEN/ KING
You dont want love to come through to you. You like
it the way you are. To be unreachable, no need
to show feelings. Hiding everything inside you.
You are already used to it. You say yourself
that you dont need anyone, that you stand on
your own two feet or that you dont have time
for these things. But in reality you are scared
to get hurt. You feel save where you are: by
yourself, nobody can hurt you there. You
invent your own relationship in your dreams.
You just need to know that you COULD get a
partner.
Thats it.
PLEASE VOTE, I want to know what you think about my
quiz, I worked hard on it.You can always
message me or tell me how I can improve that
quiz. Ill sure write back.


~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
brought to you by Quizilla


Woot close enough! I'm bored enough to be quizzing that is! Lol...

I did it. I DID discontinue my fics. I thought I was too chicken to. I guess I surprised even myself.

Spent some time compiling some basic stuff, like description terms. Forced myself to think really hard. I'm still on the first part of compiling something to start off from. That is, describing the eyes. Lol.

When I was doing that, it occurred to me just how little I know. And also just how vast the langauge is. I can keep coming up with new ways to describe certain emotions expressed in the eyes. I guess I'll stop when I reach the end of the first page, if not I'll go on forever. Lol.

Also I'll be adding new terms that I find are useful. Any unique, or simple yet effective ways of description, I will note down for future reference. When I've compiled the basic list, I'm going to challenge myself by "building" a human by picking out certain traits from every section, then I'll put them all together. Sounds easy, but I'm almost sure that anything that sounds easy in this project of mine is sure to be more difficult than it appears to be at first.

Why am I doing this? Shouldn't I be going right down to practicising my description skills immediately? Why am I wasting time on gathering as many descriptive terms as possible? Well, when I said "back to basics", I really meant it.

After all, the old Chinese saying goes "More haste, less speed." The more I try to speed through the whole process, the less I will be able to build up on my foundation. And as I've learnt from my mother, having a strong foundation in something is a key to success in the future in that particular area.

Which brings me to why I'm back here instead of compiling my mini-dictionary. Cos I'm skiving. Lol. Actually because I felt the need to actually write something, so here I am. It's almost a compulsion to come here. ^__^

Also because I'll be needing some ideas. After I'm done with my phrase compiling and basic practice and all, I'll need topics to write about. Preferably nothing too long. So I'm looking to my kind friends here for ideas. When I need those ideas, I hope you guys would be nice enough to provide me with something to write about. Thanks in advance. :)

Alright, I'm gonna continue skiving. My brain really isn't working tonight. I'll start off fresh and early next morning.

*totters off to stare blankly at BoA*

I think I'm gonna discontinue writing fics.

I've found that my own writing is still too juvenile at this stage. In future, I will still continue practicising my writing to try and correct some of my weaknesses, such as lack of description, and the inability to stick to the point.

But I'm not going to post them up in public to read. Well, no more long chaptered ones that is. One-shot stuff maybe, just to see if I touched up on certain things.

The critique I've been given made me really think about it. If I am really going to try writing seriously, I can't take my own work frivolously. If I don't take what I'm doing seriously, it'll come out slipshod, and I don't like that.

Anything I want to do, I must do well. Either that or it's not doing at all. So I must keep going at it. I know I'm not practising enough. Well, from now on I'm gonna try writing a small piece a day. Just to keep in practice. In addition to this blog of course. This place is a good way to keep my skills sharp.

I also need to broaden my vocabulary. Learning a language is a work of a lifetime. I should not be too arrogant and be humble enough to know that there is still much to learn. I must strive to improve myself.

When I finally feel that I've produced something worth reading, something which even I find hard to criticise, then will I ever post up fics again.

I guess it's time to break the news to my readers at solid07. Hope they understand my reasons. I've always wanted to be the best. 2nd place was never an option to me. To be anything other than the best is to become nothing in my own eyes. Perhaps it's slightly fatalist of me to assume so, but it this intensely competitive streak in me that keeps me going. I was never going to admit defeat, even if I claim so on the surface. The only reason why I hide that fact from others is because I don't need them to point fingers and say that I'm too arrogant to admit defeat.

Perhaps I am arrogant. No, I admit I am truly arrogant. I know I can be better, much better. Besides, it helps that even my favorite author, David Eddings, said that all good authors HAVE to be arrogant about themselves and their work. If not, they would probably have wilted after the first few times they took their work to publishers and were rejected. The arrogance in this case is referring to the fact that you KNOW you can do it, that people WANT to read your works, that when you're rejected, it's because those people were too blind to notice. Ok perhaps I exaggerate a little on that last bit, but seriously, if you have no faith in what you write, then why bother trying in the first place? It's plain common sense.

Alright, seems I'm getting off point again. I get so easily distracted...I need focus. Oddly I'm always able to focus when in exams. Maybe its because I have a specific topic to work on. When I'm on my own at home, I can't seem to think of a specific thing to write about. So I ramble. Like now. ^__^

Perhaps it's time to return to basics. Start from the most common thing, description. Like what I used to do in composition classes back in primary school. I could describe anything, people, environment, that kind of thing. I need to work on people description the most, I know I'm kinda lacking there.

I'll describe BoA. I have so many photos of her in different outfits. It would give me a chance to hone my clothes description skill. For some reason I always had problems in that department.

Then when I'm better at it, I'll describe real people around me. Like my granny for example. It's one thing to observe, it's another to translate what you see down to paper. And still be able to let others understand what you are describing. It's harder than I first thought...

Alright, time to stop speculating idly, and time to get down to work. First off, on to solid07 and officially discontinue my fics. Then on to work to practicise my writing. I'll periodically post stuff up here, short pieces primarily, for some critical opinion.

Wish me luck! I'll be working hard! ^__^

Reaching out beyond the sky, is there a way to express that?

Quoted that from Bahamut Lagoon. Yoyo said it. You know, that indecisive princess of Kahna. *rolls eyes*

For a indecisive triple-timer, she's certainly quote-worthy. Lol. You must gather that I don't really like her. If you didn't figure that out, then this way please. *points to the door*

Hah. I'm feeling slightly bitchy. No it's not the time of the month. It's just me. Lol.

I'm just in one of my moods again. The contemplative, what-is-the-meaning-of-life mood. Ya, the one where I'm pretty much a useless freak. Go me.

Just wondered about something. Would it change things if I suddenly changed my attitude towards others in school? Right now, I don't talk to anyone in my class except for Qian Ling and Dawn. I mean, I just have nothing interesting to say to the rest of them, and what they say either 1) doesn't interest me, 2) doesn't involve me, or 3) I just get shut out. Lol. Must be cos I always act tongue-tied and stutter whenever called upon. Geez.

Although I showed a rare flash of the online me at the last chem extra lesson. You know, the whole incident where I commented that I was getting old cos of my persistent backache, and Mr Wong walked by at that moment. Heng Lian took the opportunity to say "If you're old, then what about Mr Wong?" And I, without even thinking about it, just replied offhandedly with a "Oh, then he's ancient." LMAO!!

I guess everyone nearby got a good laugh. Even Mr Wong. I was absolutely shocked that I actually said it though. I mean, it's kinda OOC for the in-school me. Hui Min DOES NOT crack irreverent jokes, cos I'm too stiff and blah. I'm sure that's how some people see me. If only they knew. Lol.

Anyway, I was thinking of trying to loosen up a bit. After all, if I can do it online, it means that I have the humor in me. All I need is the courage and the confidence to pull it off in real life. Although if I do manage it, some people who used to see me as a stiff, unapproachable person are in for a large shock. Actually now that I think of it, it sounds fairly attractive. Hehe. I mentioned to Yunie that I enjoyed surprising people. I guess it's just the innate prankster working up again. Get down, Sephi. Lol!

O__o I got another cut on my leg? How the heck? Geez. First that mysterious cut that suddenly appeared on my upper right arm without my noticing, then this. Lol. I'm so accident-prone.

But first, I have to address my self-esteem issue, as well as the confidence thing. I CAN do it. I must do it. I should try to be less reserved. After all this is my last year in Queensway Secondary School, time to cut loose and have fun! Estrea and Sephi are going to love this. Lol. Sephi for the mad-scientist/prankster side, Estrea for the witty sarcasm and biting humor. Sorry Elena, you're too nice to come out and play. Just sit, back, relax, and have a good laugh. Haha.

It's one thing for idle speculation here, it's another to enact it in real life. Must think of BoA! You know, her My Name mv. Just thinking of her sexy new image makes my eyes light up. I can only hope that the temporary confidence boost it provides will be enough. Lolz.

I think I'm too much like Truce in Bahamut Lagoon. I think too much. I should add a bit of Rush into me. Just stop thinking and do it lol. To hell with consideration and political correctness, time for some good old-fashioned fun!

I'll try not to forget this little pep talk I'm giving myself. I hope I don't shock too many people if I really do succeed though. Yunie said that she was "shocked" that people didn't like me very much in real life. I told her, the real life me is less fun than the online me. Besides, people deserve to hate me. I get away with too many things lol.

Ya know what, I wish those people who really don't like me just come out and TELL me instead of bitching about it behind my back. I KNOW that I'm wrong, but I don't giving a flying fuck about it anyway. But I'm getting sick and tired of just knowing that these people bitch about me behind my back. I've got insider info lol.

Besides, if they would just TELL me, it would be a load off their chests. Believe me, I know how it is to keep your distaste for someone inside. So, why not just unleash it on good old me? I know you wanna.

Besides, since I know that there's more than one person that hates me, they can ALL come at once and tick me off. Insult me. Yell at me. Heck, scream profanities if you have to. Just get it out into the open, and you'll feel better. Don't mind my feelings, they don't matter. 'Sides, I am still trying to kill off what's left of my conscience and all the other goody-goody sides of me. This would be a good opportunity.

Hey Chengwei, I know that you're well connected with people. Think you could tell them what I just said? Tell them its ok if they want to tell me how horrible I am. I need that affirmation. Then I can say, yes, I've succeeded. I'm no longer who I used to be.

Besides, I want to test out just how long-tempered I am. Would I swallow it down the way I always do when my dad screams at me? Or would I snap back? It's an experiment of sorts. I'm trying to find out just WHAT would make me really cross the line. To see just what would be the trigger.

So, just once, humor me. Oblige my little request. Tell those people who dislike me that they are free to confront me with their grievances. I want to see if I can just sit there calmly and sip tea, or if I would break down and cry or something. If I do break down, I guess I haven't done a good enough job of hardening myself.

Or there's that elusive 3rd option. I could finally break free and start talking properly without stuttering. To be able to speak with confidence, that is my dream. One of them, anyway.

Yes I know, it's an extreme way to do things, but that's me. All or nothing. Live life on the edge, or it's not worth living at all. So please, help me, just this once. Tell those people, come and get me. I'm ready, and waiting.

Just so much more...just that gap...how long will it take for me to cross it? No, I'm not contemplating suicide. So don't worry on that score. I may be foolish, but I'm not THAT dumb.

I've never really exploded before. Wonder how it would be like. Quite looking forward to it actually. To be this calm, even when I'm upset, is unnerving. Yes, sometimes I rant, rave, and swear. But I have always kept it inside me. I don't actually yell or scream it out loud in real life. Even on the few times where I decide to answer my dad in his scream sessions at me, my voice is unnaturally controlled and low. I don't actually lose control of the emotions my voice projects. It at most sounds strained, but on the whole its coolly rational and tightly reined in.

So I haven't actually "lost it" and started yelling uncontrollably. I've broken down crying before, but never let loose in anger before. I wonder when?

So yeah, I sincerely hope you take my request seriously, and inform the parties involved. No, I'm not going to use them to vent or anything. It's just a test, a test for my self-control. I want to see to what extent of hate-filled diatribes I can take without finally seeing red. If I do, I apologise in advance for anything I might do. Don't worry, I'm not gonna hurt anyone. I'll probably break a few things, say a few lines, and then walk off. At least that's what I think I'll do. I have no idea what will actually happen, but rest assured nothing too serious will occur. At least not on the physical side.

If I succeed in not losing my temper or crying, then I will have taken yet another step in reinventing myself. Remaking myself in the image that I have painstakingly created in my demented mind.

Don't worry, I won't do anything stupid. I just, remembered something. There can be no pleasure without pain So it says in this fic by Daneel Rush. And it's true. The hero in the story chose to endure the pain however, so that he can attain pleasure. But I'm afraid I'll have to rewrite that storyline in my case.

But enough of my ravings. Time for concise terms.

ONE: I am PERFECTLY serious about my request, Chengwei. So think about it.
TWO: I am NOT mad. Just morbid.
THREE: I am NOT suicidal. Possibly homicidal, but that's beside the point.
FOUR: I complain a lot, but it's only cos I don't do it in real life.
FIVE: I've had ENOUGH of people stepping around me and not telling me how they really feel, so speak up already and throw my feelings aside.

There. That felt good. I chickened out on that highly offensive letter to Miss Soon, so I guess this time I won't do it again. I need to get it out of my system anyway. Otherwise it will be yet another never-to-be-done thing on my list.

Yes. I, hereby announce that I am of perfectly sound mind. I am not under the influence of anything, and the decisions I have made and things I have said are of my own accord and not made under duress. I also declare that there is no falsity in what I have put down here in this post, and that all of it came directly from my thoughts. This is the truth. This is what I feel. This is what I think. This...this is a request from an adolescent in need of help. Please comply with my simple request. I need it.

I'm bored. I really am.

Just linked Hiro's blog to mine. It's on the sidebar...go there go there! Lol. His blog looks nicer than mine. Hehe.

I'm bored.

Lol, I keep repeating that. Nothing much happening in my life.

After all, this is the school holidays. I have no social life, and therefore when in the holidays I'm pretty much a hermit at home. Besides, I kinda got tied up with my granny at home. Oh well.

No social life. Haha. That's my own fault for not being actively sociable I guess. I don't interact as much with my classmates. Nothing really for me to talk about with them. I guess our interests are too different.

Look at this. The popular girls in class, they talk about things like fashion, entertainment news (as in mainstream english pop), other girly stuff...all of which I dunno how to discuss and don't want to discuss. It's not really that I don't want to socialise with them, I just don't know HOW. I lack people skills. Lol.

Unfortunately, my apparent unwillingness to talk to them seems to have given them the impression that they think I'm too aloof and arrogant to associate with them. Oh well. Life is like that. People just look on the surface and let things go at that. I don't blame them, I do it myself all the time.

It's hard to find someone who can do heart-to-heart talks. Kanaii seems like a good choice for it, and we don't even know each other in real life. But I trust her more than I do my real life friends, since she has also put her trust in me. It's the way I am, you like me and I will like you in return. Even if I don't like you, I'll be polite. That's the least I can do.

Well, the best part is that I got a surrogate mother in the form of LM. She's nice. And she mothers me excessively. Calls me kiddo all the time. Lol. Yunie plays the part of the fun-but-sometimes-hyperactive sister. Tiggy is witty, but he doesn't talk much. Nxx also doesn't talk much either, but he's a sweet guy. Nice too. Haha. And of course, Kanaii and I really hit it off. She starts acting crazy when she talks to me. Guess I rub off on people. Lol. I guess that she loosens up around me cos she knows I'm the relatively easygoing, don't-give-a-damn kind of kid. So she can relax when talking to me. Haha. I'm a good kid.

Lol someone doesn't believe me when I say that. Lots of someones I believe. Haha. I'm just not a good kid. It's true. Even I admit that.

Oh right, Cori posted up a topic at BJ. The "I am" poem idea is really quite cool. I guess I'm too morose a person. I'm an angst-lover. Lol.

Oh right, read the paper today. Guess I'm an introverted perfectionist. Yeah that explains some of the qualities I display sometimes. Either I do something well, or I don't do it at all. But I'm not THAT kind of perfectionist. You know, the kind that does EVERYTHING WELL, regardless of whether they want to or not, or whether they can do it or not. The kind that just half-kill themselves trying to be perfect. I'm not like that. I'm just the kind that seems almost lethargic and half-asleep most of the time, but when I finally REALLY want to do something, I will pour heart and soul into it. It's like someone flicks on the "ON" switch in me when I decide to wake up. Lol.

I looked in the papers again, and there was this article on a character test called the Big Five. I wanna take it. I want to see what sort of job I would be suited for. It gives me a target for long-range planning. And it helps me spot the other character defects, which I'm sure there are plenty, that I somehow missed. Lol. I'm such a crackpot.

Alright, time to go and be bored some more. Ferrian, or otherwise known as Ben, threw an Islamic greeting at me in our RP thread. Thank god for the powers of Google. Lol. I answered it correctly. :P At least I hope so. It was a ritual greeting thing, so I don't think I got it wrong. But then, I could be wrong.

Oh well, time to go mooch around. Moseying off!

I'm in a pensive mood.

Just feeling really tense for some reason. I didn't even feel very hungry. Just stared at my food. And swallowed. Didn't really taste the food.

I eat to live. My life is all I have left, worthless as it is. And so I continue...

Enough with the angst. I think I overdo it, like Chengwei pointed it out. But it's so much fun! Yeah I like being sad. Perverted fetish, but yeah, I like inflicting emotional and mental pain on myself. It's weird. I think there's even a term for it. What was it...oh yes, sado-machoism...I think I spelled it wrongly though.

Sigh. *stares off into space* I'll never amount to anything. Cos I'm a lazy bum. Ha. For some reason I'm feeling evil. I feel like doing some good old backstabbing. No idea why. I tend to wreck stuff and be evil when I'm feeling morose. I feel somewhat obliged to hurt others. Yeah I'm a sick fellow. So what?

Or well, before I launch into another diatribe, I'll go wait for more replies to my RP thread. Til next time. *bows*

Quote:
The greatest mystery about life is that it is no mystery at all.

Fuck.

Yes you didn't see wrong, I did start my post with a swear word. I'll even say it again.

Fuck.

I just picked up the phone. Twice. And the moment I heard, "You have an overseas call coming through", I slammed the phone down.

I hate my dad.

What has my dad got to do with two overseas phone calls? Simple, I just know that the calls are for him. Now I know why he has trouble paying the bills. He's been wasting money on the phone bills talking to some bitch that he met somewhere. Yeah I know, extreme words, but you haven't seen the words flying through my head. Trust me, I reserve the worst for my own head. I won't say those out loud, because it wouldn't make a difference what I say anyway. My dad will probably go "You don't understand me!!" and start ranting and raving about how terrible his life is and how lonely and pressurised he was. Geez.

I'm tired of being called "just a kid". My granny uses it on me, my dad uses it on me, my multitude of annoying relatives uses it on me...you get the drift. Maybe I am just a kid. Maybe I'm immature, spoilt, and a selfish bastard. But I'm not blind. And I'm not stupid. I can see with my own two eyes what's going on, I can listen with my ears to fnd out what's happening. I can be called a spoilt, immature brat, but I'm by no means un-informed.

Everyone automatically assumes that I don't know anything. Just because I refuse to do something doesn't mean I don't know how to do it. I just can't be bothered. And yes I'm lazy, I'll admit that. What do those fucking saints know about me? They think they know everything, but do they know what I do, what I think, how I'm like. They don't, because I don't tell them, and they can't be bothered to find out. They can all burn in hell for all I care.

Anyway, I'm getting off topic. Do I sound like a petulant teenager who is shallow, selfish, and self-serving? I probably do. Heck, think what you want of me. I know what I'm like, I don't have to wait for the opinions of people who don't even bother to get to know me. But it's odd right? I mean, a petulant, self-serving teenager wouldn't admit that he/she is one, right? Well, at least I think they wouldn't. They would be too busy caught up in their own grievances to consider it. Lol. So does that make me a brat? To tell the truth, I'm beyond caring. Brat or not, I'm still me. Pshht.

I think I'm totally off-point. Heck, I can't even remember what WAS the point. *scrolls up to check*

Oh yes. The overseas phone calls. Grrr. *resists the urge to go on a swearing spree*

Why am I so upset? Well, I'm upset cos MY DAD is seeing other women, and he ISN'T TELLING ME! Some of you might go, "Well, it's his own personal business, he doesn't have to report everything to you". But look from where I'm coming from. My mom's dead for 5 years, I think if he wants to find someone to replace my mom, I should be awarded the courtesy of actually knowing that he's even looking for someone. It's only polite, and last I checked, I am still his daughter.

But mainly my indignance stems from insecurity, and resentment, that someone is gonna take my dad away from me. It's normal. I AM still a kid, according to diverse sources. As for who the "diverse sources" are, I suppose it's obvious enough if you have been paying attention to what I post. But back to the point, I'm just angry that someone is trying to steal my dad away from me. Just like a kid is angry that someone took their toy. Haha. Strange analogy, but it fits. Hehe.

But also, I'm angry that my dad still hasn't learned from his lesson two years ago, when he was cheated of his money by one of his "girlfriends". Geez. Some casanova he is, if he doesn't even know how to handle women. Fool.

I think if I was he one playing guys, I wouldn't have had a problem. Since I already had experience online. I know, online is different from real life. But at least I know how to reject guys. Geez.

And here's my dad asking me why I look so angry-ish. Hah. He thinks I'm stupid. I am NOT stupid, contrary to popular belief.

*breathes deeply* I'm calm. Must be calm. My dad flared up again when I refused to tell him why I'm angry. But you tell me, how am I going to tell him? I mean, I can't exactly go "Dad, are you seeing someone?". It's a little hard to say, if you understand what I mean.

You know, it's a trait of the slow-witted, or slow of understanding, to be inherently suspicious of something they dun understand. It's the same with my father. Whenever I say something he doesn't understand, he gets all angry and starts yelling cos he thinks I'm saying something bad about him, or keeping something important from him.

There he goes again. He's spouting all sorts of "Oh, it's all my fault!! Oh, no one appreciates me!! Oh, I'm better off dead!!". You know, that speech. Geez. -____-

And all this just because I refuse to tell him why I'm pissed off. You'd think that he would just drop it. Heck, I even told him to just drop it. But no, he just has to go on and on about it.

I know he does that cos he cares. I know he cares, sort of anyway. But when I tell someone to drop something, they had better drop it, since I'm not ready to talk about it, and I hope they can understand that. I tried to explain to my father that "Even if I told you why I'm upset, it wouldn't change anything." But he can't accept it. He DEMANDS to know the whole thing, even though I evidently don't feel like talking about it. Why do I have to have such a demanding and stubborn dad? Oh well, luck of the draw. I ended up with him for a father, so I have to live with it. The divine dice hates me. :P

And now he's walking out of the house. I think it runs in the family. You know, the whole running-away-from-problems deal. I do it, my dad does it. I think I got it from him. Lol.

Well I think that I think too much, and I bottle up too much of my problems and grievances. But who can I tell it to? My dad is out of the question, my granny is too gossipy, my cousin would immediately think that I'm possessed by the devil (lol I know, I'll explain later), I don't want to burden wan jing with my problems (she's too innocent), telling qian ling wouldn't get me anywhere, telling erika is no use, and the rest of my friends probably don't even see that I have problems. Except maybe Chengwei, since he reads this blog. *waves*

Well, time to explain the cousin's reaction. Lol. Well, ya see, she's a staunch Christian. You know, the religious, god-fearing type. And she even thinks Harry Potter is satanic. *cough* Lol. So yeah, if I tell her that I have homicidal thoughts on occasion, and also that I'm agnostic, she will immediately proclaim that I'm possessed by demons. -___-;;; You know those religious types. Sigh.

Oh well, I've had enough of blowing off steam. I'm running out of hot air lol. It's impossible to sustain a white hot anger for very long. But a simmering rage is easy to maintain. I speak from experience. ^__^

Alright, time to check out the Vampyr forums, and also Chengwei's blog. Adios!

Oh I forgot to mention, the bg music in my blog is now My Name. I need to find a reliable online storage site so I can try out my idea of a bg music player like the way Karen's site does.

Hmm, I just dredged out a fairly meaningful line from the English translation of the song My Name. Here it is!

Everyday is the same and tomorrow seems so far away

I really like it. Haha. Made it my MSN nick. Now I also understand why My Name sounds so, so, sexy? The lyrics say it all. And it also explains the naughty look on BoA's face when she sang certain parts of the song. Lol. ^__^

I mean, look at this line in the lyrics-->I want you just as I felt you in the beginning

My response was a '?!' and with good reason too. I mean...it sounds...wrong? Lol. Either that or I just have a dirty mind. *chuckles*

Anyway here's the full translation.

My Name (English Translation)

I justed wanted a closer feeling
You know what I want

I am so different from anyone else
But you are able to change me

If I tell you about my hidden self...
(U feel like) You'd probably be surprised

Myself right now is enough being myself from yesterday
Whenever a face other than mine is in your mind, will you call.. My name?!!

Don't wanna fake it!
After I got to know you, everyday I waited for your Phone call
I got to make it!
I began to realize after some point..

Everyday is the same and tomorrow seems so far away
Then just take it! In reality, I wish something would happen.
After I got to know you, everyday is a different Fine Days

Dont have any doubts (get to know me better)
You like me right? You're becoming more like me

Oh, inside your eyes, you are looking for me
(I Feel Like, i will take it again)

A new whisper overflows from my body under a faint light
If everything begins in this momeny, will you call... My name!!

Don't wanna fake it!
I want you just as I felt you in the beginning
I got to make it!
A careless moment..

Im in too deep, you cant stop me now
Then just take it! Stay by me as much as I want to see you

After I got to know you, everyday I waited for your Phone call
I want you just as I felt you in the beginning
(With me!!)

Don't wanna fake it!
After I got to know you, everyday I waited for your Phone call
I got to make it!
I began to realize after some point..

Everyday is the same and tomorrow seems so far away
Then just take it! In reality, I wish something would happen..

Don't wanna fake it!
I want you just as I felt you in the beginning
I got to make it!
A careless moment..

Im in too deep, you cant stop me now
Then just take it! Stay by me as much as I want to see you

translated by: eebyul
Credits: aheeyah.com


Nice right? And it explains the feel of the song. With lyrics like these, it just would be too weird if they did a poppish-style innocent-like song that is practically BoA's trademark. Haha. And the dance steps DEFINITELY fit the song. Hehe. And just for people who want to try singing along, here's the konglish lyrics. Have fun dislocating your tongue! If you're not korean that is! Hehe.


My Name (Konglish lyrics)

Nuh moo gah kkah woon neu kkim mah neul won het duhn guhn ji
Ahl jah nah neh gah won hah neun gut

Geu uh ttun sah lahm gwah doh dah leun nah
Uh jjum nuh lah myun nahl bah ggool soo it ssuh

Oh, gahm chuh what duhn nahl mahl hah jah myun, U Feel like, ah mah nol lahl guh yah
Ji geum neh moh soo boon dahn ji uh jeh gah teun moh seup deh loh choong boon hah ji
Neh gah ah nin dah leun uhl gool gah jin guh lah myun
Bool luh jool leh My Name

*Don't wanna fake it! Nuh leul ahl geh dwen hoo meh il gi dah lin phone call
I got to make it! Uh neu seh ahl geh het uh
Meh il gah teun sik, ddo ah jik muhn deut hahn il, ahh..
Geu luht dah myun take it! ah joo joh geun mahn keum muh deun dweh goh peun hyun sil

Nuh leul ahl geh dwen hoo meh il dahl lah jin Fine Days

Ee sim gaht jin mah joh geum mahn duh nah leul ah lah bwah
Joht chi ah nah? nahl dahl mah gah neun gut

Oh, Nah leul chat neun neh noon soh geh suh, I Feel Like, dah si gah jil guh ya
Heu lin bool bit soh geh mohm sohk gah deuk num chuh nah neun seh loh woon sohk sah gim
Bah loh ji geum boo tuh moh doo si jahk dwen dah myun
Bool luh jool leh My Name

**Don't wanna fake it! Neh gah neu kkin deh loh nuh leul gah ji go si puh
I got to make it! Uh suhl peun uh neu soon gahn
Bbah jyuh buh lyuht uh, ee mi nahn muhm chool soo up suh, ahh..
Geu luht dah myun take it! Boh goh sip peun mahn keum hahng sahng neh gyut teh it ssuh
Nuh leul ahl geh dwen hoo meh il gi dah lin phone call
Neh gah neu kkin deh loh nuh leul gah ji go si puh
With me...

*Repeat

**Repeat

By: Karen
Credits: jumpingsoul.net --->one of da best BoA fansites there is! ^__^


I can never catch up with the song lol. Especially where she rushes through the lyrics. I almost twisted my tongue around trying to keep up. Haha. I'm no native korean speaker, so that explains the problems. BoA has no such problems. I mean, she sang and danced it LIVE, and made no mistakes AT ALL. Hehe. She pro eh? Lol.

Today's the 15th!!! I forgot to gush about the significance of the date last post. IT'S THE DAY WHERE BOA'S 4TH ALBUM IS OFFICIALLY RELEASED IN KOREA!!! Yeah!! But man, it takes a while to get to Singapore. But the good thing is that with Nxx helping me preorder, I can get it before the overseas version even hits the shores of the tiny dot that is Singapore. ^___^

But shipping takes one or two days, so I'm expecting to get it before the week is out. Hehe. Woot!

Chengwei commented to me that my blog has been utterly BoA-centric lately. Well, TOO BAD~~~~~~~~ :P If you don't like BoA, your loss. If you like her...I welcome you as a brother/sister!! Haha! *bows*

I went through another day of my granny nagging at me sporadically. It was...marginally bearable. You get used to things if you face it long enough. And believe me, I'm very tolerant. What with facing a temperamental dad all the time, I tend to build a strong resistance to annoying people. Haha. Thank you, thank you. *bows again*

Woooo! Checked out Yesasia. Turns out that the L&H Live Tour Concert DVD is out for preorder. It's the Japan version though, and it's a FREAKING 100 BUCKS!! In SGD too. >__< I certainly hope that the overseas version is cheaper. I can't afford to buy something THAT expensive...

I'm still addicted to My Name. It's been playing for the whole day. On repeat. The only exception was the time when I switched to listening to the whole of the 4th album. Haha. I still like I Kiss, Feel Me, Spark, and My Prayer. Stay In Love is becoming a fast favorite. And We is a shoo-in. It sounds great, plus its the ending theme for Taeguki. More reason for me to watch it when it opens in Singapore cinemas this July. Hehe.

Ok, enough of BoA for now. Regardless of what people think, my life does not center around BoA only. Hehe. Convinced? Or not? I sense the doubt floating around. Lol and I wouldn't even blame ya! Heh.

After reading Chengwei's blog, I found myself also thinking about the future. It's something that I have thought about before too. After all the very idea of O Levels is making me perk up and start worrying about my future. Sigh.

JC or poly? Everyone tells me: GO JC!!! Lol. And I guess I'm more JC material. I'm just not suited for poly life, what with my extremely limited wardrobe...LOL!!! ^__^

But seriously, if I were to go to JC, I'm not really sure where I want to go. Hiro's been urging me to go to ACJC, cos he's there and he says he wants me to be there too. Lol. But I guess my dream of going to HCJC is extremely slim, since I'm too lazy to be bothered to really slog like a bull to get the grades needed. Besides, I think I'm totally swearing off elitist schools. Too much pressure, I don't think I'm equipped to handle that. I'm more of a carefree, happy-go-lucky kid. Not a straight-As machine, contrary to the school grapevine.

But what after that? Uni? Definitely. Probably the Arts and Social Sciences stream. I am NOT touching anything to do with maths or science if I can possibly help it...haha.

But what course too take? I'm thinking of taking Philosophy as a minor, but what should I be majoring in? Maybe...maybe there was that crazy idea of taking up Film Studies and the like. I always wanted to try stuff like that...although I think I'm not really suited personality-wise for it. Hmm.

I think maybe I should go for something that allows me to become a computer geek. Lol. What a great ambition. Becoming a technophile. Haha.

But as for job prospects, I wanna become a reporter! But Chengwei pointed out something in his blog that I thought was right. I would probably crack under all the deadlines. Heh.

Freelance sounds like a good idea, and I think I'll do that on the side. I like to write, so that wouldn't be much of a problem. And when I type, I type fairly fast nowadays. Practice, no doubt.

I dabbled with the idea of becoming a scientist/researcher type, but decided against it. I'm too sloppy to deal with stuff like that. I would probably blow up the lab more than once, even if I end up in microbiology instead of quantum physics. Yeah I know, how can you blow things up in microbiology?! Trust me, if anyone can do that, it'll be me. ^__^;;;

I know I'm author material. I have the instincts for it. And I have the drive to keep trying again and again. I KNOW I can do it. I just need a chance. And a lucky break. And THE flash of inspiration. Life is a gamble. This is no different.

So what are my job prospects? Seriously, I can't imagine myself working. I'll probably end up job-hopping. The only thing that can really capture me would be writing. I wonder if I could become a scriptwriter. That sounds fairly interesting. Maybe I'll produce something less cliched than what Hollywood offers. Lol.

But this is all in the future. We will know better what will happen then.

This is Krista/Esty/Sephi/Huimin, signing off for the night.

I finally finished off chapter 11 of Black Requiem. It took a while, and a dash of sudden inspired typing, but I did it today. Lol.

*sneezes violently*

Aww man, I think I caught a cold. Ooooh...*rubs nose* Agh...hate this...

Anyway, I'm trying to decide what to do now. I'm trying hard not to think about homework. Lol. Hehe. I'm such a procrastinator.

Bah. I don't like normal-ish RPing. My kind of RPing involves violence and end-of-the-world-ish damage. Haha. I still remember how me and Sputy combined to cause severe damage. Dropping comets, exploding stuff, that kind of thing. Lol.

Ugh..my nose...ahhhh....ahhhh...choooooooo!! Oof. *winces*

Now lemme go try and stem that horrible feeling that my nose is making me feel...

Hey I'm back! Today was the last time we had to go back to school during the holidays! Woot!

Today we had chem. Mr Wong was weird. I mean really weird. He came over and asked me, only me, if I liked coming to school better or staying at home. I was *blink* and stare, then I answered, "Ehh...I like coming to school." Lol.

Later when I asked Qian Ling about why he asked me that, she said that its cos she thinks that Mr Wong thinks that I'm "mentally unsound". -___-;;; Yeah she actually said that. I think I might be rubbing off on her. Guess I'm a bad influence....woot! ^__~

But on further probing, she commented that he was probably "just bored". Lol. She might be right. Haha. On both counts too. Heh.

Well it was fun, today that is. I'm still waiting eagerly for someone to get their hands on the video of the fan meeting in Seoul. Yes, I'm obsessed. Sometimes I wish I was less crazy in love over BoA, but I know if I were to be forceably separated from my obsession, I would just wither away. If I am to die, I rather burn to death in the flames of my obsession, then just wither and die in solitude. Haha, I'm being overly dramatic again. Sometimes I can't stand myself when I get like that. Lol.

My writer's block is lifting slightly. Some ideas are coming back to me. I need to refine my thoughts on chapter 11 of Black Requiem, then I can continue typing. I would really hate to make all my readers suffer so horribly while waiting for me to get off my lazy butt and start working. Lol. I'm scared of Jin's wrath. Really. She's scary. Yeah I know. That coming from me...guess you should know how scary she really CAN be.

While I only have to worry about whether my readers are going to skin me alive for not posting for weeks, I'm more concerned about the state of my own mind. Am I still ok? I guess so. But crazy people never really know, do we? I was getting all depressed once in a while, and Nxx told me that it's unhealthy. He's probably right. But I don't think I can ward the depression off. Oh well, I can live with it...for now. It's unbearable when it hits, but I'll pull through, like I always.

I'm fine. Really. I'm always alright. Catch the drift? Btw its an inside joke of sorts. Heh. Do you know what I mean? ^__~

BG Music: BoA-Spark

Hey! I just did something cute haha. Called LM mom. :D I've been planning to do that for a while hehe.

Having fun RPing with her on the Vampyrs forum. I'm hyper there lol! LM had to shush me up all the time. Lol.

Planning to include this interesting little snippet into my vampire's past. Granted, the original idea was taken from a book, but it's still fun. Haha. I like my RP character! :D

Anyway, gonna play Tales of Phantasia now. :D Til later then!

BG Music: BoA-Spark

Hahahahahah! I rule! I added a few new features into my bloggie. Notice the song? Heheheheh. Evil aren't I? Free advertising for BoA! Woot!

It's my new favorite song for now, after My Name that is. I'll upload My Name tommorrow and then embed it back here. Muahahahaha. Hope you guys have fun listening to it!

Gotta go sleep now...

Song Playing: Spark

^Like I said, I'm never gonna change it. :P

Spark's really growing on me! It sounds so poignant somehow. Really strikes a chord in me.

Anyway, I'm in a crisis right now. WRITER'S BLOCK IS EVIL!!

Ugh, you have NO IDEA how painful it is for me to just sit there unable to produce anything worthy to read. I feel horrible. It feels like I'm totally empty. I feel like crying, since without the ability to write, I'm nothing, worse than nothing. I'm not worth anything without my skill in writing.

This is bad. It hurts my self-esteem. And not being able to write, I'm disappointing my readers. That sucks. It's bad to endure my own pain, but to bear the pain of others...

It's more than I can bear. I'm gonna work on my story tommorrow, when I'm at school. I'll make sure it comes back to me, the inspiration. Even if it kills me. I won't ever give up. This is all I have, all I have worth saving. To lose it would be to lose the last spark in my life. I would nothing but an empty husk, devoid of anything remotely interesting. A mechanical robot. A blinkered horse, tied up and driven like cattle.

If only...if only I had someone to comfort me, to tell me that everything's alright. If only there was someone to tell me that they cared, that someone still loved me. That I wasn't alone. That someone knew I hurt.

I hear voices. Sometimes it's just one, sometimes it's the many. Those voices...the hurt me, but yet they are my only friend. At least I know that...they care. In some perverted way, they care. Even though they wound me with their cruel taunts, they still care.

It's odd. Even when some people tell me they care, I don't believe them. Why should I? They have given me no reason to do so. My own father, I don't even trust him. Money given to him is money lost forever. My granny? Nice to know she cares sometimes, but most of the time she spends her time criticising my dad. She has her point of course, but still, I cared for my dad, no matter how horrible he was.

It will never be alright. I'll never be alright. Sometimes all I want to do is cry, to scream. Maybe to even hurt someone else. Like physically. I'm poison.

I want to hurt them. To let my pain all out. Why can't I just ignore the pain? I already do most of the time. But sometimes...sometimes it bubbles back up.

Maybe...maybe that thing was right. When it said that I make my own pain to unleash upon others. It's right, I'm selfish. I only care about myself, my own pain, with no concern about how others feel. I block them all out, even those who really want to help.

Why? Because I'm afraid. Afraid that they would hurt me. Afraid that they would leave again, when I needed them most. I can't take that chance anymore. I can't afford to anymore. Selfish? I rather be that than to hurt myself anymore than I already have.

But I...how long can I continue like this? To live at the extremes. To be on an euphoric high one moment, then be sunk in the mires of deepest despair the next. I can't take it. I can't take it anymore. It's breaking me up.

I have no idea who I am, what I'm supposed to be anymore. I DON'T WANT to be the top student in school. I DON'T WANT TO BE SOME TOP SCHOLAR OR ANYTHING! I WANT...I...dunno what I want...

Fool...I'm such a fool...living in my own dreams...an impossible dream.

Mine's a peculiar case of identity crisis. On one hand, I want to be the model student, the best in everything, to get a good job when I grow up, to live the rest of my life well and diligently. But, I know, I'll never be happy like that.

I want more. I want to do what I want. I want to be free. I want to...never mind. It doesn't matter what I want. It never matters what I want. The only things that matter is what other people want me to do. What they expect of me. I don't matter. I only exist the way they see me. Isn't that always the case?

What I need is not what I want, what I want is not what I can have, what I can have sucks to the deepest fucking hell. That's my life. Happy isn't it?

Listening to Spark right now. It's making things better and worse at the same time. The good, BoA's voice is comforting. The bad, the part where it goes "It's alright~", really hurts. If only someone can say that and really mean it. And the part where it goes "I will do, anything for you", is not helping. Like I will ever hear someone say that to me. No one loves me, cuz I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to be loved, since I'm just scum. I'm riff-raff, a broken toy at best. No one cares, cos I'm not worth caring about. Who cares about some kid with issues? They've all got their own lives. I'm not worth it. Not worth their time.

Ain't that the truth in life?

Video Playing: MBC Comeback Perf Spark & My Name

Hehe, after finally getting the high quality version of the performance, it's really more enjoyable to watch the performance. Well, it had better be, since its 115MB. Lol.

I'm really liking Spark as well. She sounds so cool singing it! Hehe. But My Name is still my soft spot. I can't help but grin like an idiot when I listen to it. Hehe. BoA's got an attitude now! Weeeeeeeeeee!!!

Love the way she looks at the audience challengingly. I just love everything about her! ^__^ That's why they call it idol worship. Lol.

Well here's the link for the performance! You'll like it!!

http://myhome.hanafos.com/~totowooeu/0612boa.wm

Watch it and drool. Well not really. She hasn't gone hardcore like the way Hyori has. Hehe. But its definitely a BIG change from the kind of cutesy pop she used to specialise in. Haha.

But there's this line in Spark that she sings, "I will do, anything for you..." that really sets my heart pumping. Haha I'm just in love with her. ^__^ Just like the way Kanaii loves Ayu. Heh.

Sputy sent me another one of those quizzy emails. Hehe. I like the questions--and his answers too. I like my answers too. Haha. I sent it to many people, but mostly to my online pals. I can't be bothered to send it to many of my real life friends/aqquaintances, since well, hmm...I'm not as close to them? Besides most of them don't know me as well. And I think some of them don't like me. But it's ok, the feelings mutual. Heh.

Sputy absolutely hates it when I call him Sputy. He insists that he be called Sputin, but I guess we have to blame someone else for coming up with the Sputy nickname that absolutely drives him crazy. He threatened to ban the lot of us off his RPG forum if we call him that. But we reminded him that if he did, there wouldn't be anyone left on the forums. So...muahahahahaha! Lolz.

Having fun RPing on the Vampyr forums. Lady Memnoch and I are getting to be great friends. ^__^ I'm acting all kiddy. Hehe. It's fun to be childish. Lol.

Hmm I guess now its back to BJ to check out for new posts, and then on to the Vampyr forums to see if LM replied. Hehe.

Song Playing: My Name -->I'm never gonna change it...

Finally, BoA's comeback performance is out for download! And high quality too! Talk about speed and efficiency. She just had the performance today, and we get it less than a couple of hours later. Hehe.

But personally, I felt the dancing could have been better. She was singing live...so I guess the dancing was compromised. I wish the next performance would be more...*cough*

Ok now, I'm discussing my relative evil-ness with Nxx, so I'll have to suspend my discussion here.

Ciao!

Song Playing: My Name (again I know ^^;;;)

Hey hey! Nxx agreed to help me preorder the album on yesasia! Woot! That means I won't have to wait a gazillion years for the album to come out in Singapore! Yay!

*hops around deliriously on a pogo stick* ^___^

Me ish still waiting for a high quality version of the My Name mv. And of course, waiting for the live performance. Hehe. Oh btw, her new studio pics are out! So kawaii!!! I love the minnie mouse t-shirt! Lol! ^_^;;;;

Hmm you might have noticed how BoA-centric my posts have been these days. Well I guess it's normal. I tend to wake up more when BoA has a new album out. Or when she's involved in some major event. Like the Taiwan Golden Melody Awards! Her English sounded so adorable. *grins foolishly*

And also, more activity on BJ since well, we are primarily a BoA forum, and anytime BoA has a new album or is involved in anything major, we all start discussing it. :D So there's been a surge in post count. ^__^

And Coolin wonders why. Haha. Maybe his theory is right though. Since our manic-spammer came back we had an enormous surge in post count last night. Lol. But I mentioned to him that I posted a lot too last night. But he says that he excuses me since my posts actually have content and are grammatical with good spelling. Lol. I didn't know that actually made a difference. ^__^

Actually, I think I do. After all this is what spam means:

Stupid
Pointless
Annoying
Messages

Haha. Learnt that on BJ. All of us spam once in a while. But we don't make it a habit. At least we try not to. Sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. ^__^;;;; Heck, even Coolin spammed once in a while. On accident of course. :D And note, he's the admin. :P

Haha. I like posting here. Cos well, sometimes I just don't feel like bothering other people on MSN. So therefore, I start blabbering here. It's my own personal blab-spot! :D

Haha...not blog-spot...but blab-spot...hehe. But I rant and go off on random tangents too often. Sometimes it feels like my messages aren't making any sense. :D But I don't have to make sense do I? This is where I can escape from reality and all its constraints. This is where I can actually pretend to be someone I'm not, to do things that I usually can't.

Here I love myself. Cos I'm cool. Hah! Or at least I think so.

Don't you? ^__~

Song Playing: My Name

Hey, I'm back again. While I was just busy helping out another fellow member on BJ, it just struck me how strange it was for me to be suddenly be so helpful. I mean, even on solid I'm rarely that helpful. I mean, if you asked me for help, I would definitely help. But I wouldn't actually volunteer.

But on BJ, it's like I'm almost totally different. I help them unconditionally, and give them advice and all. I guess it's cos BJ's smaller, more personal. And I'm just more comfortable with the people at BJ. Must be the fact that we're all BoA fans. Haha. Birds of the same feather flock together. :D

Guess it's cos BJ's a 2nd home to me. I have family there, and I made good friends there. Nxx is a great guy. And even Xenon, as annoying as he can be sometimes, he's still really rather sweet. Besides, I just like making new friends. I know, I know, online friends are not to be trusted, but I guess I'm lucky enough so far to meet both Nxx and Xenon, and they both turn out to be well-meaning people. But I won't push my luck. ^__^

Wonder if I could ever meet Jasmine (aka Yunie :D) in real life. I really want to see how my big sis is like in real life. She sounds a bit ditzy to me online, but we wouldn't know how she really is like until we actually have the opportunity to interact with her, right? Plus it's fun to meet new friends. And I know, I'll be careful. ^__~

Ah well, back to BJ it is. Time to hop around and see if anyone else needs help from good ole me. :D

Haha, last post was interesting. Ignore that. You have no idea if it's real or fiction don't you? You probably won't even know if half of what I say here is true. :P

But something is real. My obsession with BoA. Haha. I still can't get enough of My Name. I was humming it in school today. Even though I only have the faintest idea of how the lyrics are like. Hehe.

But by now I've pretty much gotten the hang of the lyrics. Still can't follow them since it's a little too fast. It's a literal tongue twister. If you can't pronounce the lyrics for Valenti (both korean and japanese), then you won't even be able to come close to getting My Name right. Unless Korean is your native language that is. :P

Someone already got the MV caps up. They pretty much summarised how the MV is like, and what its about. Hehe, it's quite fun to see all the conflicted opinions people have of the MV. :D

I seriously don't mind perving a little a the new BoA. It's normal, for me at any rate. No I'm not les. I'm just deprived. Haha. Cippy will laugh his head off. ^0^

Lol but seriously, how many of you people think that I'm odd? As in odd in any way at all? Haha. Even I think I'm odd...sometimes. Heh.

Ok I dunno what to type. Haha. I love having Tiggy and Yunie as my brother and sister. They're an endless source of amusement. Besides, nowadays we have 4-way conversations with Coolin too. Hehe. It's still hard to believe that Coolin's only 17. I mean, most of the time he acts like a mature guy. Except sometimes when he regresses into childhood and starts goofing along with us. Haha.

Lol and he's like me, a procratinator. I mean, he had to stay up late on his birthday just to finish his History essay that was due the next day. Haha. And just today he stayed up til 3.30am to read Shakepeare's The Tempest for his Literature exam. Hehe. If he didn't procrastinate he wouldn't have had to do all these. :D

Life is good for the online me. I have a family, more than one actually. One's the BJ family, with Tiggy and Yunie, as well as our good friends like Cori, Xenon, Emily, and of course, Coolin. Then there's my vampire brethen. Lady Memnoch and I are great friends. I'm tempted to call her mommy. :D And Lex and Ferrian are just great guys. I haven't really connected with the rest yet. But it's enough to talk to LM on MSN. :D

It's nice with all these online families. It gives me a sense of warmth, something that I lack in real life. I might as well be an orphan, what with the way my family just runs roughshod over me. Haha. It just doesn't really feel all that warm and homely in my family in real life now. I rather indulge in my own fantasy where I make my own family, and we would all compliment each other in terms of personality. Everyone will fit in, and no one left out. Yeah like that would ever happen. This will just remain a dream, a sweet dream, but unreal. It will never happen...

Ah sigh...while in my trance of enjoyment...I was surfing kpop forums.

And was passionately defending BoA's new style. It made very tired. And just a little indignant. That's when I thought, at least I know someone agrees with me...

Almost as soon as that thought had hit me, I immediately thought of something else. What if that person suddenly changes his mind and also starts campaigning against me? It's strange how I come up with all the worst-case scenarios in split seconds. But yes, I'm kinda pessimistic. If you haven't already noticed that is.

Anyway, I had just reached the thought I'm currently describing, and that's when this thought idly floats in: "I've never been quite the same since that first and last time..."

I'm sure that "first and last time" might be of moderate interest to you ppl who are reading. Hehe. What could possibly be a first and last time? Unless...

Now, I guess I'd better head that off. No, it has nothing to do with sex. So don't think dirty already. Lolz. Maybe I'm the only dirty minded one around here. Heh whatever.

But anyway, back on topic. I was referring to the first time I *cough* was "involved" with a guy. Haha. It wasn't even a real relationship, just an online fling. But I was young then, and I was still fairly naive. So I probably took it a little more seriously than recommended. Heh.

No, I didn't cry or anything. Besides, I was the one which distanced myself in the first place. It was...for various reasons. I rather not elaborate those reasons, besides they're kinda complicated.

But, for whatever reasons, we stopped talking to each other. And I underwent the 2nd stage of my transformation, the 1st stage being my mom's death and all. I slowly began to grow up, and my eyes slowly opened to the world around me. I became less naive. I lost that innocence. Maybe not quite lost it. Part of it is still in hiding somewhere deep inside. And I don't think I want to ever risk exposing it to further harm.

Anyway, I knew what the guy was still doing. He was still going around playing other girls. And I pretended everything was fine. And everything was indeed fine, as I blotted out the memory. That is...until he started hitting on my friend.

At that particular point, we had already started to talk to each other again, and we were friends. So I sort of took him aside and told him, if he dared to hurt my friend, I WOULD kill him, even if he be on the other side of the earth. He evidently took me quite seriously, since he was very cordial and less aggressive in his dealings with my friend. So I was content.

But it was strange for me to see an old flame flirt with my friend. Even if I was over him. It just felt wrong. Oh and if you were wondering, my friend never knew about the whole fling between me and the guy. It was all under-the-table. Heh.

But then...suddenly...he came crawling back to me. Don't ask, it was weird. I was weirded out, since I had more or less put the past behind me. It seemed that while on the surface, he still showed an interest in my friend, he was in actuality bored with her, since she was still very much an innocent kid. And I wasn't. And he wanted me back. Ha.

But I gave in, and we played around for a bit. But this time was different. As much as I knew he was playing with me, what he didn't know that THIS time it went both ways. I was playing with him as much as he was playing me. This time it really was no strings attached. It really was kinda fun.

Oh and a fun fact, in between the first time and the time when he came back, I toyed a bit with other guys' feelings. It was all online and all, but it was a very satisfying feeling to wrap a guy around my finger, and then ruthlessly crush his heart. Yeah, I'm a bitch. So? It felt great, since it's something I would never be able to pull off in real life. Cos in real life no one would be interested in me. Not that I would accept anyone who professed any interest in me. I had become too suspicious of the motives of others. That was what had really changed in me.

Seems like I'll never really settle down with one guy. I'm too flighty. Plus, I don't trust guys enough to be with them for extended periods of time. i think my personal record (online anyway) was 2 weeks. Or was it less? I can't remember, since I've long since put all that behind me. I've stopped playing the breaking-hearts game online. I've even reformed a little. Heh. My current online pals all see me as a nice gal. Too bad for them they didn't know that behind the facade there still lurks another me. Too bad indeed...

As a sidenote, no, I've never dated guys in real life. Never had a chance to before...I changed. And now it might be a little too late, since I'll never be really serious about any guy in the future. It's just...too dangerous.

Do you understand what I mean? Or maybe not...nobody ever does...

Ok I'm a bit calmer since my last post. So lemme try giving a more detailed review of BoA's My Name mv.

Firstly, this mv showcases a different BoA. A new style. A sexier image. She looks more mature, especially with the bushy hair.

Secondly, the dancing is less technical...as in more of the sexy moves than the complicated moves...technical would be her earlier days, like ID; Peace B, Sara, and No.1. It's leaning heavily towards her image in Japan. More with the sex ya know.

Also, note that the mv has a darker tone to it. It feels different. The overall mood is edgier, more loaded. As compared to her earlier mvs, which are generally energy-charged and hyper-cute. Think Atlantis Princess for a classic example. The lighting in this mv is darker, a tribute to the change in mood.

While I was at the forums, someone said something that I agreed to very much after some thought. He said that BoA was "due an image change", and that he was "tired of her pop-princess image". I agree with this view, since BoA is turning 18 this year, she can't possibly go with the sweet cutie-pie image for the rest of her life! As long as she doesn't overdo the mature image, I'll be fine with it. Too many singers have had their careers cut short by an inappropriate image change. But I believe that as long as BoA doesn't do a complete Britney, not that I have anything against Britney, she'll be fine. But now it'll be time for her fans to adjust their thinking...I've already begun to get used to it! :D

So, in a sense, this mv sort of marks a coming-of-age for my beloved BoA. Even though I wish this song doesn't sound so...American. Not that I have anything against American music, but it's just that there're too many of those around, it's getting on my nerves. But it's odd how I really love it when BoA does it. Might be because I've pretty much given up on listening to anything but Jpop/Kpop. So therefore, I can put up with BoA doing this. Hehe.

Don't wanna fake it! Nuh leul ahl geh dwen hoo meh il gi dah lin phone call
I got to make it! Uh neu seh ahl geh het uh
Meh il gah teun sik, ddo ah jik muhn deut hahn il, ahh..
Geu luht dah myun take it! ah joo joh geun mahn keum muh deun dweh goh peun hyun sil

I can't get enough of this...man even her voice sounds sultry to me... Aww man...

Lol...for some reason, I'm reminded of Britney's Toxic...the vibes are there...but Toxic sure doesn't brainwash me as much as My Name does. Hehe...

But i really want to see the whole choreography. It looks sexy enough on the mv. I wanna see how it looks like live. :D

Ok enough of my ranting, I'm not getting anywhere. Ta ta~~~~

Don't wanna fake it~~~~

Oh man...BoA's new mv is out...you know, for the song My Name.

I was like O__O when I saw it. I mean...blatantly sexy BoA is new...the last time all the vibes were very subtle...this time is IN YOUR FACE. >__<

But what can I say? I was so totally drooling after I got over the shock. Yes, I know, I'm female, and BoA's a girl too, so yeah, I shouldn't have that kind of response? But it's true, I do, but for some reason it's only for her. I see Britney in less clothes (might as well be no clothes considering the sheer skimpiness) in her mvs, and I don't have much of a reaction except the standard "Bah, slut" comment. For some reason, BoA can be fully and conservatively dressed, and I would still drool. I'm hopeless...

And that's not to mention the times when she wears tight clothes, and I'll think "Are you trying to kill me BoA?!" while trying to stop myself from ruining my keyboard with my drool. I really don't WANT to think what would happen if BoA decided to adopt Britney's fashion sense...it would kill me. I'll probably be the first case of a perfectly normal healthy person dying of a nosebleed.

Anyway back on topic, the new mv...totally addictive! The song was addictive enough...but plus the mv, and my obsession with it is Listen to My Heart level. And that's just plain scary. I never thought any mv would be more addictive than Listen to My Heart, and now here comes My Name. >__<

The dance steps...summed up in one word...sexy. How DOES she move those hips?! And the clothes, tight. That's all I can and will say. More skin revealed than before, I'll assure you. Damn that blue outfit...*twitches*

And that white outfit she dances in...nice tight pants...*gulp* Must not think about it...must not...must not... >__<

Oh, and that weird new hairstyle that we see in her album pics, it shows up once or twice. It's looks a lot better in the mv. It does. Really. Makes her look scary, dangerous-like...something on a temptress thing...sigh...

And in that black outfit...plus the weird hair...really reminds me of Rikku from FFX-2. But more mysterious/scary. The look was haunted...but I LOVE it...! Yeah I'm weird...^__^;;;

Aww man, I can't get enough of this mv...I need rehab...urgh...help...>__<

Oh my god...the way she moans at the beginning near the beginning of the song...*chokes* *clenches fists and shakes*

I LOVE THE WAY SHE MOVES HER HIPS!!! AHHHHH!!!

I WANT TO SEE A LIVE PERFORMANCE ASAP!! O___<

*breathes deeply* Calm...must calm down...*shakes again*

Man...you guys HAVE to watch this mv. And please drop the "That looks like what Britney would do!!" from your minds. If not I'll be forced to kill you. :P

Ok time to be trapped like a zombie staring at the mv...till next time!! ^_____^

Oh I forgot to add these stuff in my last post. Eh what the hell. So here they are, low quality stream versions of BoA's 4th album!

http://www.angelfire.com/tn3/koreanstream/boamyname.asx
http://www.angelfire.com/tn3/koreanstream2/boaspark.asx
http://www.angelfire.com/tn3/koreanstream/boaigotu.asx
http://www.angelfire.com/tn3/koreanstream2/boamyprayer.asx
http://www.angelfire.com/tn3/koreanstream/boaonewings.asx
http://www.angelfire.com/tn3/koreanstream2/boapitapat.asx
http://www.angelfire.com/tn3/koreanstream/boaikiss.asx
http://www.angelfire.com/tn3/koreanstream2/boadontgiveadamn.asx
http://www.angelfire.com/tn3/koreanstream/boamaybemaybenot.asx
http://www.angelfire.com/tn3/koreanstream2/boaetude.asx
http://www.angelfire.com/tn3/koreanstream/boagoodbye.asx
http://www.angelfire.com/tn3/koreanstream2/boafeelme.asx
http://www.angelfire.com/tn3/koreanstream/boastayinlove.asx
http://www.angelfire.com/tn3/koreanstream2/boawe.asx

Copy and paste these links in windows media player! They rock!

Oh and here's the tracklist.

1) My Name
2) Spark
3) I Got You
4) My Prayer
5) One Wings (Embracing Each Other)
6) Pit-a-pat
7) I Kiss
8) Don't Give A Damn
9) Maybe...Maybe Not
10) Etude
11) Goodbye
12) Feel Me
13) Stay In Love
14) We (Another Myself)

There! Have fun! I know I am! ^____^

AHH! AHHHH!! AHHHHHH!!! BoA's 4th korean album songs are up for download!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

*cough* Right. Back to normal...not! ^____^ *grins insanely*

But it's soooo cool! The songs...ahhhhhhhh!! Wonderful!! Loving the album! Yeah!! Can't wait to buy it!! AHH!!!

It's a bit Americanised, but I suppose the effects are still good enough though. :D

Anyway, my favorites right now are My Name, I Kiss, Feel Me, We(Another Myself), Stay In Love and Don't Give a Damn. Yeah you read the title right. It IS Don't Give a Damn. Weird huh? But it sounds good.

Identity crisis for BoA? Some people suggested that idea as the reason for the theme of the album. After all, some of the songs are very individualistic. Like the title track, My Name. Weird huh? And also, in Don't Give a Damn, there's one part that goes "I don't give a damn, I know who I am". Pretty much like a rebellious teenage phase eh? Lol!

And also in My Name, I like the dance-y theme to it. Sounds like potential disco material~~! But the song reminds me of Justin Timberlake somehow...don't ask! :P

But the bonus track, We(Another Myself), is for the Japanese version of the korean movie Taeguki. It's really suitably sad sounding. But the beginning reminds me of this string instrument bridge I heard before in one of Jacky Cheung's songs. Very cpop-ish. Oh well it sounds good anyway.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE ALBUM TO BE RELEASED!!!! Listening to My Name on repeat now. I can't get enough of it! :D Some people don't like her change in image and style, but I'll just say this, gimme enough time to get used to her new look, plus the fact that I really dig her new style in music, I'm ready to declare that I LOVE BOA DESPITE THE CHANGES!! *cough* ^__^;;;

Anyway time to lose myself in the music~~~~~

I added a new hit counter. Yes it's obvious. And yes I know it looks weird. So sue me. It's MY blog.

Actually I think I really need a crash course in html. Or maybe a "Html For Dummies" book. Heh. I'm such a sucker. :P

Anyway I'd better go see what's going on in the kitchen now...

Oooh yay. My life sucks. Why?

Arrival of the matriarch. The ancient horror. The relic of doom.

My grandmother.

Lol. I think I'm being too dramatic, but hey its fun. But gone are the days where my silence and peace reigned supreme in the house. Instead I'll be nagged to hell and back. Oh god.

Oh well. I guess I'll live. But still..ugh..I hate being disturbed! Invasion of the hulking relatives! AHHH!! Bah.

It's enough to make me go hide in my room. And you know how attached I am to my computer. To make me flee to my room, you have to be 1)My dad, 2)My granny, 3)My annoying relatives. Lol.

Ah well. Some must be wondering why my last post was somewhat...disturbed. What an understatement that is. And it's quite obvious there that I'm evidently NOT suicidal. More like homicidal...^___^;;;;

But really. Sometimes I have strange dreams. Some are the standard fluffy-psycho crackpot dreams, like those involving pink giraffes and purple sheep. ^_^

Then there's the nightmares. The one where I keep running. And the one where I keep falling. The running one is more common though.

Of course, that's the severely-impossible kind of dream. I mean, very slashy. And given my distaste for general yaoi and yuri-ness, that is just plain freaky. Of course the weirder ones are the inter-species kind...O_o;;;;

Then there are the more real-life dreams. As in, me being me in those dreams. No more being stuck in weird character scenarios in even weirder dreams. I'm me. Yay. Sometimes that sucks even more. Lol. But it's true. I dreamed about maths lessons once. Yeah I know...o_o;;;;

But the 2nd half of the maths-lesson dream was...disturbing. It took the psychotic turn my mind loves to conjure up. I mean, there isn't any glass in the classroom! Well unless you count the window panes, but that doesn't really matter. What I'm more interested in is how the heck I punched a mirror in the middle of maths lesson in front of my classmates, when there is evidently no mirror in the classroom. Lol. But I really really loved the maniacal grin/smirk on my face in that dream. Hehe. I'm weird.

I think I might be obsessed with the concept of blood and pain. Hmm. Cos I keep dreaming about it. In different ways of course. Usually it's my own blood that I dream of, although sometimes its ME drawing blood from others. Vivid imaginations come into play when I imagine stabbing some--anyone--somewhere. Usually in the belly. My mind gives me every excruciating detail, plus full surround-sound. Sometimes I think they overdo it, but heck, great special effects they got there. Lol.

I like to think I'm insane. It's easier to say that I'm insane, and then blame all my weird fantasies and hallucinations on it. But I wouldn't bank too much on that.

Maybe I'm just infected. Infected with the subterreanean undercurrents present in modern pop culture. You know, media, movies, tv, ads, etc etc. Violence reigns. Plus I'm habitually a gothic-depressional case. I think it might have been cultivated for poetic purposes. Yes I know, as strange as it sounds, I'm just a normal kid. With a lot of different alteregos to draw on. I'm one person at school, another in front of my relatives, and a totally different indivdual when I'm alone. Actually my real self can be seen from reading this blog. If you pay close enough attention you can better understand what kind of a person I am.

But it doesn't matter does it? The ones who matter, they won't understand. Here I am, pouring out my thoughts to an uncaring world. But its a great way to practise my writing, and I get to better understand myself by considering the way I process information and what-not. I think I'm acting like an overzealous academic. I mean, look at some of my posts, I always tend to reason things out in scientific, logical ways. Most of the time anyway. My mind works strangely. But so does everyone else's...I think. Lol.

But I guess it's time to stop here. Frankly, it's because I'm running out of things to type/say. :P Well, this is Esty/Sephi/Krista, signing off.

Watch this spot! ^__~

Bleed. Blood, crimson pools.

Dead, all dead. I want them to die. To scream.

It hurts. Hurts so much. I want them to hurt even more.

My fingers, crush. Crushing their throats. Feel them struggle, feel them gasp.

A knife. Small and dull. Thrust it into their belly. Push it slowly in. Rip skin apart slowly. Hear them scream.

Yank their guts out. Pull, jerk, yank. Wrap it round their necks, strangle them. Watch their silent screams.

Stab their eyes. Hear them pop. The screams comfort me. Their pain warms me.

A whip. Lash them. See the skin split and rupture with every stroke. Hear them scream. Watch the blood ooze.

Drink. Lap the blood off the blade. Clean it, and drive it into the chest. Rip it open.

Pull. Open the chest. Break the ribs open. Cut the lungs out. Burn them. Watch the smoke rise and swirl.

Slice the heart out. Squeeze it, watch the blood gush out. Then burn, all burn. Watch it be consumed by raging flames.

Gone, all gone. Kill them all. Rip them to pieces and burn. Hear their screams, their pleas of mercy.

Let them feel the pain. Pain is real. Let them suffer. Let them die in deepest agony.

Blood on my hands. More blood. I want more blood. Mark the Reaper with the blood of innocents. Mark the Shadow with the powder of ground bones. Wrap the Executioner's axe with the skin of the dead.

Pain. So much pain. Power. Power in inflicting pain. Watch them squirm.

Laugh. Laugh at the pain. Let them understand the pain. Taste their fear and savour it.

And maybe I can forget my own pain by glorifying in the pain of others.

The red haze consumes me. The shadows haunt my mind. The voices mock and jeer. The bloodlust roars in its shackles.

They want to be free. As do I. Free from their torment. But I cannot.

For they are me. And I am them. I spawned them in my pain, and now I face the consequences.

But I have no regrets. I made them, and they moulded me. I can still see the blood on my hands. Red stains sunk deep into my skin.

Can't you see them?