Aeternus, Eternus

Ah sigh...while in my trance of enjoyment...I was surfing kpop forums.

And was passionately defending BoA's new style. It made very tired. And just a little indignant. That's when I thought, at least I know someone agrees with me...

Almost as soon as that thought had hit me, I immediately thought of something else. What if that person suddenly changes his mind and also starts campaigning against me? It's strange how I come up with all the worst-case scenarios in split seconds. But yes, I'm kinda pessimistic. If you haven't already noticed that is.

Anyway, I had just reached the thought I'm currently describing, and that's when this thought idly floats in: "I've never been quite the same since that first and last time..."

I'm sure that "first and last time" might be of moderate interest to you ppl who are reading. Hehe. What could possibly be a first and last time? Unless...

Now, I guess I'd better head that off. No, it has nothing to do with sex. So don't think dirty already. Lolz. Maybe I'm the only dirty minded one around here. Heh whatever.

But anyway, back on topic. I was referring to the first time I *cough* was "involved" with a guy. Haha. It wasn't even a real relationship, just an online fling. But I was young then, and I was still fairly naive. So I probably took it a little more seriously than recommended. Heh.

No, I didn't cry or anything. Besides, I was the one which distanced myself in the first place. It was...for various reasons. I rather not elaborate those reasons, besides they're kinda complicated.

But, for whatever reasons, we stopped talking to each other. And I underwent the 2nd stage of my transformation, the 1st stage being my mom's death and all. I slowly began to grow up, and my eyes slowly opened to the world around me. I became less naive. I lost that innocence. Maybe not quite lost it. Part of it is still in hiding somewhere deep inside. And I don't think I want to ever risk exposing it to further harm.

Anyway, I knew what the guy was still doing. He was still going around playing other girls. And I pretended everything was fine. And everything was indeed fine, as I blotted out the memory. That is...until he started hitting on my friend.

At that particular point, we had already started to talk to each other again, and we were friends. So I sort of took him aside and told him, if he dared to hurt my friend, I WOULD kill him, even if he be on the other side of the earth. He evidently took me quite seriously, since he was very cordial and less aggressive in his dealings with my friend. So I was content.

But it was strange for me to see an old flame flirt with my friend. Even if I was over him. It just felt wrong. Oh and if you were wondering, my friend never knew about the whole fling between me and the guy. It was all under-the-table. Heh.

But then...suddenly...he came crawling back to me. Don't ask, it was weird. I was weirded out, since I had more or less put the past behind me. It seemed that while on the surface, he still showed an interest in my friend, he was in actuality bored with her, since she was still very much an innocent kid. And I wasn't. And he wanted me back. Ha.

But I gave in, and we played around for a bit. But this time was different. As much as I knew he was playing with me, what he didn't know that THIS time it went both ways. I was playing with him as much as he was playing me. This time it really was no strings attached. It really was kinda fun.

Oh and a fun fact, in between the first time and the time when he came back, I toyed a bit with other guys' feelings. It was all online and all, but it was a very satisfying feeling to wrap a guy around my finger, and then ruthlessly crush his heart. Yeah, I'm a bitch. So? It felt great, since it's something I would never be able to pull off in real life. Cos in real life no one would be interested in me. Not that I would accept anyone who professed any interest in me. I had become too suspicious of the motives of others. That was what had really changed in me.

Seems like I'll never really settle down with one guy. I'm too flighty. Plus, I don't trust guys enough to be with them for extended periods of time. i think my personal record (online anyway) was 2 weeks. Or was it less? I can't remember, since I've long since put all that behind me. I've stopped playing the breaking-hearts game online. I've even reformed a little. Heh. My current online pals all see me as a nice gal. Too bad for them they didn't know that behind the facade there still lurks another me. Too bad indeed...

As a sidenote, no, I've never dated guys in real life. Never had a chance to before...I changed. And now it might be a little too late, since I'll never be really serious about any guy in the future. It's just...too dangerous.

Do you understand what I mean? Or maybe not...nobody ever does...