Aeternus, Eternus

Aloha!

I'm at the library now. Reading a sad Resident Evil fanfic...sigh...poor Matt...poor Alice...

Ok so let's just ignore that for now.

Why am I here? Too lazy to tell. Where am I going later? Home? Perhaps.

I'm wondering if I should get an mp3 player, but seriously, my primary concern should be to get enough money to buy a new computer. Sigh.

Ah well, just drabbling here. Ciao!

Aloha!

I'm at the library now. Reading a sad Resident Evil fanfic...sigh...poor Matt...poor Alice...

Ok so let's just ignore that for now.

Why am I here? Too lazy to tell. Where am I going later? Home? Perhaps.

I'm wondering if I should get an mp3 player, but seriously, my primary concern should be to get enough money to buy a new computer. Sigh.

Ah well, just drabbling here. Ciao!

I have a new tag board! Lookie up there!! *points up enthusiastically*

Not that anybody is reading this very much...I mean...who would want to read a blog of someone as demented as me?

Oh, you never know---the world is full of weirdos.

Right. Like myself? Heh.

I'm waiting for 3pm so I can go for Computer Club. Haha. Should I join the blogging thingy they were talking about? I dunno. I'll see.

Actually, there's not much point to this entry, except to announce my new tagboard...which everyone with eyes should be able to see...and to kill time.

Can time be killed? Nah. It just goes on and on and on...time is all one piece. We can't quantify it at all...

My my, aren't we getting philosophical here.

^You up there, shut up. It's none of your business.

Well, excuse me, but I just happen to be in your head, making any of YOUR business MINE.

Oh now we want to argue, do we?

It's your call, Beanpole.

BEANPOLE?! Whaddya mean, beanpole?!

Oh wait, it isn't Beanpole. You aren't THIN enough to be a beanpole. More like...Tall Barrel?

... ... ... ... ...

And silence ensues, as my fatuous counterpart is struck dumb by my sheer eloquence...

You, eloquent? *dies laughing*

Again, the minds of the limited can never truly comprehend greatness.

If that Voice continues to do that, it'll be tripped by it's own hubris.

You actually used 'hubris'! How many of your brain cells did you kill in the process?

I'll ignore that since it's almost time to go for CCA.

No, it's because she's too slow to think up a comeback.

Ignore that thing. It's just trying to appear more significant in the scheme of things...which it isn't. *shuts trapdoor and locks it*

*futile pounding is heard*

Well then, I really have to go. See you! *waves chirpily while shoving an anvil over trapdoor*

Hmmz.

I'm gonna go to chinese soon. Ugh.

I think I finally figured out which teacher it was who scolded Chengwei in the library last time. It's so obvious. She just went T-Rex on a bunch of people. Again.

Haha.

Anyway, ignoring that, I'm feeling the holiday mood already. Oh dear. And there's still 2 and a half days to go before the REAL holiday. Sigh.

The little voice is still high annoying by the way. I guess they were right, an empty vessel does make the most noise...

I think that quote refers to YOU.

Hey! That's not fair. You aren't supposed to jump in right now!

Oh yeah? Make me stop then.

Why you... *tackles voice*

This is silly. How can anyone tackle a voice...

Shut up already!!

While she foams at the mouth trying to get at me, I suppose I'd better get her out of here and to class. Ta ta!

Bitch! Stop right there........................!! *voice fades away*

Here I am again!!

Ya I know, very lame. I mean, I just came on here about an hour ago or so. But who cares? I'm having fun!

Why am I having fun? I have no idea either! I just know that it's FUN FUN FUN!!!!

*weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*

*does the rumba, then the cha-cha* Not that I know how to do them at all in real life... O.o

Am I hyper? Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssir!!!

What have I been eating? Nothing but the cornflakes and milk from breakfast!! No sweets at all! No caffeine! So how did I get H-Y-P-E-R???? Dunno~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!!!

Scary huh? I can get hyper without any stimulants!!! La la la la la~~~~~

BoA rocks! Games rock! Fics rock! Food rocks! I rock!! Yeah!!!

*cartwheels around blog* Tra la la~~~

Happy happy!

Life is such a merry-go-round and we can just sing and dance and play all day~~~

POP!

...ok...what was that...? *looks up*

THAT WAS ME???? *gasp* I...did THAT? *shock*

What have I done?? Who was that?? Must be some weird alter ego...

I am NOT weird.

O__o What was that?! Voices in my head!!! AHHHHHHH!!

Ignore her. She's mentally challenged.

I am NOT mentally challenged, you stupid thing!!!

Now look who's talking.

Somebody just shoot me. Right now.

Arggggggggggggggh!!!!

It's terible!!

HORRIBLE!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!!!!

IMPOSSIBLE!!!!

BoA's performing at the 16th Taiwan Golden Melody Awards!!! And I'm stuck without a way to watch it!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Bad News No.2: BoA's performing at the Hallyu concert in California, USA...and guess what? I can't watch that either!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

*gags* *sobs* I....I want....I want....BoA....WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Why me?? I hate this. My computer isn't working!!! Now...if only I had cable tv, I might be able to watch the TGMA live too. DAMN!!! *cries again*

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! I hate being cut off from the internet!! I can't download any BoA performances! I can't download ANYTHING!! *sobs*

....sniff....I gotta go....class calls....sniff....

I hate my PI.

No, I don't hate the idea. I just hate the process of laying it out in a coherent proposal.

Oh bloody wonderful, it's raining. Haha then I can bug my dad to bring me home. No need to walk all the way in from the bus-stop!!

Ok, this is a very random and pointless post. I'm not even sure why I put it here. Bah.

Oh yeah, something interesting. I think I got over her. You know, HER. That not-so-mysterious girl I have a mini-crush on. Lol. But then again I've never really been that interested in her. It's almost like my obsession with BoA. Except that I like BoA better. ^___^

Seriously though, when am I ever gonna get someone whom I go really crazy over? Not likely, I'll say. At least, not in the forseeable future. If the future can be forseen. No it can't. Therefore...

I don't fucking know!!!

So yeah, that's that. It doesn't bother me too much, but it bothers me that it bothers me a little at all. Did you catch that? =P ^__~

Can I finish my PI? Will it be a long and torturous journey? Will it be rejected again? Will I ever be good enough for anything?

Only the future holds the answer.

Read the small print. It cultivates good habits.

Hey hey!!

I finished my 2.4km run today for NAPFA!!! Wheeeeeeee!! I nailed it in 16 minutes, right on the dot for a C grade!! And that means...

I got a GOLD award!!!!!

Yeah ok, that was ostentatious. Lol. But hey, I've never gotten a gold award for this ever. And I've only gotten silver ONCE. All other times I got bronze...which isn't that bad but this is...

...wonderful oh wonderful God is GOOD!!

Lolz. Yeah I think I had a lot of God's help during the whole NAPFA test. I mean, 4 As and 2 Cs for everything is a great result for a slacker like me. Hehe.

Well anyway, I'm in a pretty cheerful mood for now, which may or may not last throughout the day, depending on what happens to little old me.

So ya, me shall sign off for now and got back to reading that weirdly cute article on Boajjang discussing whether BoA or Pikachu is cuter......LOL!!!

So cyaz!

Lol I just came out of another computer club meeting. Haha damn funny.

We played Warcraft. Can you believe that? This must be the slackest CCA I've ever seen lah! Where in the world can you find a CCA that encourages you to play computer games? Lolz.

Anyway, yeah, the last post was kind of depressing. It happens. Mood swings, ya know. I'm happy now after the whole PI thing was resolved...I came up with a good idea finally! No I'm not telling. =P

Also, the playing Warcraft thing helped. I feel better after killing things. It's a great way to relax...lol.

Anyway, me had better get on with whatever I'm gonna do. Catch ya all laterz!

I failed my History test. As expected.

This is a wonderfully terrible day.

I feel terrible. Of sorts. My habit of self-loathing is back with a vengeance.

I have a feeling, that old familiar feeling, that I'm not gonna make it much past my early 20s. I think that either I drive myself insane somehow, or I finally end up committing suicide.

Depressing thought isn't it? Oh wait, I forgot option number 3: I end up in jail for 'acts of violence' or something like that.

As you can see, my forseen future for myself isn't exactly bright and happy. For some reason I can never envision myself in any kind of a desk job. I'll die in the outside working world. Either that or I'll turn into Ms Mediocre. Whatever.

I think I'm going insane. No, it's not standard teenage angst. I keep seeing blood and violence. In my head, mind you. Maybe I should be cutting back on violent media content? Right...

I had a dream last night. Involving more fighting and blood and gore and death. And I got hurt. Me, as in my dream self. Usually my dream self never gets hurt. But last night, I felt a blade dig deep into my thigh, almost severing the leg. I woke up in shock. I have never let my dream self get hurt before. Bad omen?

Perhaps I'm just just a hypochondriac. I worry constantly about stuff. Maybe it's all in my mind---which ironically, it is. However, what you think of too often may lead to you reproducing it in real life. And that, in my case, is a BAD thing. Very bad.

An unholy fire burns in my eyes sometimes. I felt it when I'm getting overly competitive, felt it again at the sting of failure or rejection, and again when I'm angry. As in really angry. Most of the time I just get irritated. Anger doesn't come as easily to me as it does to my father. I get irritated majorly though. But when I do get angry, it's usually at myself, not always at others. I blame myself for everything that goes wrong...not always the healthiest option to choose. I mean, if you start blaming yourself for every little thing that goes sideways, you'll go insane under the whole guilt complex thing. Really.

I feel a lot of negative emotions. It's like a kind of sick energy that drives me to do things sometimes. Anger, hatred, bitterness, contempt...many things.

Incidentally, I hate pity. You can hate me all you want, but save the pity for someone else. I hate it. Pity is for the weak. I might be weak and useless as a person, but don't add on the insult already. Thanks a lot for trying to make me feel more contempt for myself.

Sometimes I'm all about the hate. It drives me, shields me, hurts me. It burns like ice. Have you seen my poem Poison? It says it all. Hate is the poison that runs through my veins. It's killing me, and I love to hate it.

I know that Christianity is all about casting your cares unto God and trusting him to do what's best for us. But I can't let go of my hatred. My contempt for myself and the world corrupts me. I hate me for being who I am. I hate myself for being weak. I hate myself for donig badly. I hate myself for doing well. I hate the world as it is. I hate good, I hate evil. I hate the concept of hating something...

Does it make sense? By the way, would you like to know that right now at this moment, I'm not feeling anything. Just...empty. Hollow. Dead inside. I may have been ranting in the previous paragraph, but I can hear my own heartbeat: it never sped up. Just slow and steady.

Like nothing matters, like nothing cares. Just doing its job. Good thing too. If it stopped I wouldn't be able to do this, would I?

Empty, dead on the inside. A walking corpse. Such an old familiar feeling.

Sometimes things don't just go away when you want them to.

It burns, burns like fire. it won't stop no it can't save me help me kill me leave me alone left behind again and again they're all dying leaving me behind going away alone so alone i just wanna sleep make it go away away down down into the darkness and again and again....

THEY'RE DYING

I'm such a coward.

Chicken. Snivelling. Weak. Pathetic. Whatever.

You would think that after all I've gone through, I would be a better person, but no. I'm just a coward hiding behind my mask. So weak and helpless. A paper fortress.

Never mind. I'm not going down that dangerous route of thought again. See the last post for reasons why.

Anyway, gotta go! Going home to rest, sleep, and maybe unwind.

Hopefully my demons won't haunt me anymore...

I have a new poem.

Thought
I stand at the brink of a storm,
Watching, wondering
Admiring the beauty of the wild.

Stray thoughts tug like the
Gusts of the wind
Drawing deeper,
Deeper into the storm.

Wandering, a single flame
To guide,
Like the Wreckers' beacon
To storm-tossed seas.

Again and again,
Like the turn of the seasons;
A familiar path looms
Haunting, beckoning.

A path like none other,
Twisting, wretched,
Cloaked in darkness,
Fear haunts the entrance.

Go down not that path---
Madness awaits thee.
The fog of despair
Lies heavy upon it.

Good intentions are its paving stones,
Road of which destination
Is but common knowledge to all.

A kind word awakens me---
Tearing me from the midst of the storm.
A welcome distraction.

Even as I turn away
I know well---
Damnation is waiting.



So how was it? I came up with it while I was brainstorming for my PI. Lolz. I TOLD you I wrote better with a morbid influence. I'm about half certain that my muse is demonic in nature.

Self-destructive, controlled rage and bitterness. Consumed by hatred. Obsessed with blood and violence.

If you have been paying attention to ALL my poems, most of them have some mention of blood in it. Some don't, like this one, but blood is a major theme for me.

Blood is life. Spilled, it leads to death. And death is yet another major ingredient in most of my poems as well.

But most common is a haunted theme. Not haunted as in "Boo! There's a ghost!" kind of haunted, but more like past memories and baggage refusing to leave you alone. Emotional baggage.

I thought myself free of it. I really did. For a while I was at peace. And when I started to backslide, I realised a fatal error.

My only pride now lay only in my writing. It was the only thing that I was any good at. I lived for it, breathed it, embraced it. It was my life, my blood, my dreams, my soul.

When I was at peace, I could never write. Attempts to depict beauty and happiness came out twisted and deformed. To depict negative emotions, which was my forte, meant that I had to be channeling those negative emotions----something I could not do while I was at peace.

Am I a vain, foolish person? Clinging on to pride and material things? Perhaps. But writing was my only form of artistic expression. It released the creative soul in me, nourished it, gave me life.

A path that forces me to be devoid of my ability pains me beyond belief. I would gladly sacrifice an eye or foot to be as one with my writing.

Maybe I'm just a pathetic, useless, person with petty dreams of art. How can a true artist confine oneself to only one art form? One was be free to explore different themes---yet I am content with my usual macabre ones. I do irony too; and on occasion, something filled with dry satrical humor. (Like my latest poem Rat Race....no I'm not showing it here....)

But to me, death is beautiful. Damn, I sound like Zhang He from ROTK. Blood fascinates me. Although I'll admit, the stench of blood is not to my liking. But what better it is for me to describe how much it nauseates me?

Ok fine. I'm morbid. We've established that. I enjoy violence. Also established. I have voyeuristic tendencies...somewhat established. There are a few other things I'll keep private. I wouldn't know who might be reading this. Lol.

I think I might have upset someone in my class. The person will remain unnamed. Fortunately, that person is not one of my close friends. Unfortunately, I like the person and would like to be friends. Sort of an impasse here, so I'll just leave it.

Miserable weather outside. It's been raining. How wonderful. I love the rain. Morose and brooding, just like me.

Excuse me, I'll go brood somewhere else now.