Wednesday, May 18, 2005
I failed my History test. As expected.
This is a wonderfully terrible day.
I feel terrible. Of sorts. My habit of self-loathing is back with a vengeance.
I have a feeling, that old familiar feeling, that I'm not gonna make it much past my early 20s. I think that either I drive myself insane somehow, or I finally end up committing suicide.
Depressing thought isn't it? Oh wait, I forgot option number 3: I end up in jail for 'acts of violence' or something like that.
As you can see, my forseen future for myself isn't exactly bright and happy. For some reason I can never envision myself in any kind of a desk job. I'll die in the outside working world. Either that or I'll turn into Ms Mediocre. Whatever.
I think I'm going insane. No, it's not standard teenage angst. I keep seeing blood and violence. In my head, mind you. Maybe I should be cutting back on violent media content? Right...
I had a dream last night. Involving more fighting and blood and gore and death. And I got hurt. Me, as in my dream self. Usually my dream self never gets hurt. But last night, I felt a blade dig deep into my thigh, almost severing the leg. I woke up in shock. I have never let my dream self get hurt before. Bad omen?
Perhaps I'm just just a hypochondriac. I worry constantly about stuff. Maybe it's all in my mind---which ironically, it is. However, what you think of too often may lead to you reproducing it in real life. And that, in my case, is a BAD thing. Very bad.
An unholy fire burns in my eyes sometimes. I felt it when I'm getting overly competitive, felt it again at the sting of failure or rejection, and again when I'm angry. As in really angry. Most of the time I just get irritated. Anger doesn't come as easily to me as it does to my father. I get irritated majorly though. But when I do get angry, it's usually at myself, not always at others. I blame myself for everything that goes wrong...not always the healthiest option to choose. I mean, if you start blaming yourself for every little thing that goes sideways, you'll go insane under the whole guilt complex thing. Really.
I feel a lot of negative emotions. It's like a kind of sick energy that drives me to do things sometimes. Anger, hatred, bitterness, contempt...many things.
Incidentally, I hate pity. You can hate me all you want, but save the pity for someone else. I hate it. Pity is for the weak. I might be weak and useless as a person, but don't add on the insult already. Thanks a lot for trying to make me feel more contempt for myself.
Sometimes I'm all about the hate. It drives me, shields me, hurts me. It burns like ice. Have you seen my poem Poison? It says it all. Hate is the poison that runs through my veins. It's killing me, and I love to hate it.
I know that Christianity is all about casting your cares unto God and trusting him to do what's best for us. But I can't let go of my hatred. My contempt for myself and the world corrupts me. I hate me for being who I am. I hate myself for being weak. I hate myself for donig badly. I hate myself for doing well. I hate the world as it is. I hate good, I hate evil. I hate the concept of hating something...
Does it make sense? By the way, would you like to know that right now at this moment, I'm not feeling anything. Just...empty. Hollow. Dead inside. I may have been ranting in the previous paragraph, but I can hear my own heartbeat: it never sped up. Just slow and steady.
Like nothing matters, like nothing cares. Just doing its job. Good thing too. If it stopped I wouldn't be able to do this, would I?
Empty, dead on the inside. A walking corpse. Such an old familiar feeling.
Sometimes things don't just go away when you want them to.
It burns, burns like fire. it won't stop no it can't save me help me kill me leave me alone left behind again and again they're all dying leaving me behind going away alone so alone i just wanna sleep make it go away away down down into the darkness and again and again....
THEY'RE DYING
]
This is a wonderfully terrible day.
I feel terrible. Of sorts. My habit of self-loathing is back with a vengeance.
I have a feeling, that old familiar feeling, that I'm not gonna make it much past my early 20s. I think that either I drive myself insane somehow, or I finally end up committing suicide.
Depressing thought isn't it? Oh wait, I forgot option number 3: I end up in jail for 'acts of violence' or something like that.
As you can see, my forseen future for myself isn't exactly bright and happy. For some reason I can never envision myself in any kind of a desk job. I'll die in the outside working world. Either that or I'll turn into Ms Mediocre. Whatever.
I think I'm going insane. No, it's not standard teenage angst. I keep seeing blood and violence. In my head, mind you. Maybe I should be cutting back on violent media content? Right...
I had a dream last night. Involving more fighting and blood and gore and death. And I got hurt. Me, as in my dream self. Usually my dream self never gets hurt. But last night, I felt a blade dig deep into my thigh, almost severing the leg. I woke up in shock. I have never let my dream self get hurt before. Bad omen?
Perhaps I'm just just a hypochondriac. I worry constantly about stuff. Maybe it's all in my mind---which ironically, it is. However, what you think of too often may lead to you reproducing it in real life. And that, in my case, is a BAD thing. Very bad.
An unholy fire burns in my eyes sometimes. I felt it when I'm getting overly competitive, felt it again at the sting of failure or rejection, and again when I'm angry. As in really angry. Most of the time I just get irritated. Anger doesn't come as easily to me as it does to my father. I get irritated majorly though. But when I do get angry, it's usually at myself, not always at others. I blame myself for everything that goes wrong...not always the healthiest option to choose. I mean, if you start blaming yourself for every little thing that goes sideways, you'll go insane under the whole guilt complex thing. Really.
I feel a lot of negative emotions. It's like a kind of sick energy that drives me to do things sometimes. Anger, hatred, bitterness, contempt...many things.
Incidentally, I hate pity. You can hate me all you want, but save the pity for someone else. I hate it. Pity is for the weak. I might be weak and useless as a person, but don't add on the insult already. Thanks a lot for trying to make me feel more contempt for myself.
Sometimes I'm all about the hate. It drives me, shields me, hurts me. It burns like ice. Have you seen my poem Poison? It says it all. Hate is the poison that runs through my veins. It's killing me, and I love to hate it.
I know that Christianity is all about casting your cares unto God and trusting him to do what's best for us. But I can't let go of my hatred. My contempt for myself and the world corrupts me. I hate me for being who I am. I hate myself for being weak. I hate myself for donig badly. I hate myself for doing well. I hate the world as it is. I hate good, I hate evil. I hate the concept of hating something...
Does it make sense? By the way, would you like to know that right now at this moment, I'm not feeling anything. Just...empty. Hollow. Dead inside. I may have been ranting in the previous paragraph, but I can hear my own heartbeat: it never sped up. Just slow and steady.
Like nothing matters, like nothing cares. Just doing its job. Good thing too. If it stopped I wouldn't be able to do this, would I?
Empty, dead on the inside. A walking corpse. Such an old familiar feeling.
Sometimes things don't just go away when you want them to.
It burns, burns like fire. it won't stop no it can't save me help me kill me leave me alone left behind again and again they're all dying leaving me behind going away alone so alone i just wanna sleep make it go away away down down into the darkness and again and again....
THEY'RE DYING
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