Aeternus, Eternus

Well, today marks the last day of my slackiness in work. I think.

I'm moving over to my cousin's place for the next month in order to stay focused for the last stretch heading towards the exams.

In short, I'm pulling a Satou Sei.

Lol. Watch Marimite episode 7, towards the end.

It's one of the funnier episodes. Especially the parts where the Roses (3rd years) had to step in to convince the boutons (Sachiko, Rei, Shimako) to accept the Valentine's Day game challenge. Yumi's observations were hilarious, as follows.


> Scene Start: In the Rose Mansion
> Youko, Sei and Eriko have just arrived

Sachiko: If you order it, we have no choice but to go along reluctantly.
Youko: You're being stubborn as usual.
Sachiko: And who was it who chose a stubborn person as her soeur?
Youko: It was I. So I want you to be more flexible. I want you to mingle with the students. What's wrong with that? You've started to have such nice facial expressions ever since you made Yumi-chan your soeur, right? ^__~

> Sachiko and Yumi wear identical expressions of 0__0

Sachiko: <__<

> Yumi voiceover - Round One: Sachiko-sama is KO'd.
> Camera shift to Foetida family

Eriko: Rei.
Rei: *blinks, nervous* Yes?
Eriko: You know what I'm going to say, right?
Rei: *blink blink*
Eriko: ^___^
Rei: -__- I'll cooperate with the Newspaper Club.
Yoshino: *pops in* I refuse! Don't you think you're going too far by pressuring her like this, Rosa Foetida? And you, Rei-chan!
Eriko: I'm speaking with Rei right now. I don't want someone who isn't involved to butt in.
Yoshino: *is taken aback*
Rei: *whispering to Yoshino* Don't you see that the more adamant you are about this, the more you stir up Onee-sama (Rosa Foetida)?
Eriko: *smugly* You still have a long way to go Yoshino-chan.

> Round Two: Rei-sama and Yoshino-san forfeit the match.
> Camera shifts to the Giganteas
> Round Three

Sei: That's how it is, so do your best, okay? ^__^
Shimako: I understand. *without changing expression*

> Sei-sama wins by default.



That was hilarious. That last line nailed me. Yumi's assessment of how each of the Roses handled their soeurs were funny. It just seems perfectly normal for Sei to win by default, Shimako would never contradict her lol.

Of course, my point here is not the humor. I said that I was 'pulling a Satou Sei' due to a comment that popped up when Sei and Yumi were talking towards the end of the episode. I won't mention the comment, but I find the parallel amusing nevertheless.

Personally, if I were put in Lillian Yamayurikai, I would most likely end up part of the Gigantea branch. Either that or in the Foetida branch. I'm not serious enough to be in the Chinensis branch lol.

So, last post in a month, most likely. I might drop in to update about my progress in my studies, but don't hold your breath waiting.

Oh and konks, if you need to contact me, use email. I might take a while to respond though. So yeah. ^__^

And now to laugh at Drunk!Shimako again in the Maria-sama ni wa naisho outtakes again. ^__~

I'm personally glad that my latest drabble series is coming by decently.

Stopani-based, naturally. Miyuki-centered, as usual.

I think ficeler37 was right, we seem to have a student-council-president fetish. It's all Shizuru's fault. Lol.

I'm having fun trying to characterise Miyuki, because I...just identify with the girl. Only in certain respects, mind. We're a lot different. But I feel like I understand her motivations, so that isn't so bad.

Am wracking my head over how to properly convey Miyuki and Kaori's relationship. After all, Miyuki was Shizuma's best friend, and Shizuma and Kaori were dating. Besides, Kaori trusted Miyuki enough to 'entrust' Shizuma to Miyuki before she died. I think that says a lot.

Enough about that though. I'm liking Miyuki's character. She's inherently flawed, not quite as selfless as Youko (of Marimite fame) was, and very human. I like her. Haha. She's the kind of character that's actually plausible in real life. Lol.

Still, glad that the drabbles are turning out fine. It's a challenge to keep everything short and self-contained to within 100-200 words, while still managing to bring out the meaning and emotions. I think I might have underestimated drabble writing; it isn't quite as easy as I first thought it to be.

Still listening to Inori no Uta, it's really growing on me. The first time I heard it was on the Simoun ED track, and I like the way it started, so I went and got the song. It's really rather nice.

Incidentally, another song I have is called Sei Otome no Inori, from the Mai Otome soundtrack. I will have to check the kanji, but I believe it translates to Prayer of the Holy Maiden. It would fit with the track though, the background 'voice' is definitely female and holy-ish. There's no other way to put it properly I'm afraid.

It's amazing the number of random japanese words and phrases one picks up while listening to foreign language songs and watching their shows. Of course, there are so many more subtleties about said language that I will probably take ages to figure it out this way.

Did you know that there was the polite form of speech in japanese that is almost completely different from 'regular' japanese? I didn't really realise that until I stumbled upon it on DarkMirage's blog. He was giving mini-lecture/lessons on the japanese language lol. I found it rather enlightening. ^__^

As of now, I can pick out two distinct dialects of japanese, namely the Kyoto and Kansai ones. I blame Mai Hime and Yamibou for it. Curse Shizuru and her damnably sexy Kyoto-ben. And the fox spirit's excessive use of the Kansai dialect (while drunk no less), which the translators made a special note of in the fansubs.

Still, fascinating business. Apparently konks uses an Osaka dialect (or so she says, I'm not sure), though I can't remember if it was that or something else...eh...brain dead...

Well, if you'll excuse me. *bows*

I can't hear anything
I can't see anything
I don't want to listen to them scream
I don't want to see them yell
There is nothing around me
Nothing at all
Yes that's right
Nothing at all
They're not real
I don't want to see them
Don't wanna hear them
They're not real
They can't hurt me
They're not real

Song Playing: savage genius - Inori no Uta

Yes, that's important.

As for how and why, leave that to me.

The title translates to Prayer Song, or something along those lines.

I haven't prayed for very long. I've forgotten what it's like to really pray with faith.

You know, sometimes, even with this medium of communication, which I'm most comfortable with, communicating the meanings in my heart can still be really tough.

And then, sometimes even harder to speak. I just end up singing songs to express myself sometimes. The melody and the lyrics help to ease the pressure that unspoken words cause.

What do I want to say here? Many things. So many things, that sometimes even all the words in the world can't express.

Looking up again at the 'Song Playing', it's somehow ironic. Yes, the artiste of the song is 'savage genius', and that somehow relates to me. Lol.

As for 'Inori no Uta', sometimes it feels that way. Even if I can't hope, I still pray. Not for myself, but for others. For my friends, my loved ones, even the ones I hate.

I can't pray for myself anymore. It just seems so...wrong to do so.

No, you don't get it either. The words for any prayer for myself seem hard to come by. They are all wrong. What can I pray for myself?

For safety? From what?

For love? For whom, and for what purpose?

For success? Why?

For peace? God, is that even possible anymore?

I know. For safety from myself. For the love of me. For peace of mind. These are the things I should be praying for. Except that I don't believe in God anymore. Oh, God is still there, I think. I just don't believe anymore. So whether God is there or not doesn't matter.

People keep telling me I'm cynical. Sou desu. The shell is, as usual.

What you see, what you experience, that's the shell you see of me. That's Huimin. That's the awkward girl who still trips over her own feet. That's the cynic, whom you so decry.

There are many of me. 'Huimin' is one out of many identities. Chaos, my masculine side, otherwise known as cynical perverted bastard.

But even then, Chaos isn't really that bad. He cares for people too, he just doesn't show it. He's evil sometimes, but rather than being immoral, he's just amoral. He just doesn't care about morality and ethics. Whether he deliberately acts in contrary to them is another issue altogether. Which he doesn't. He doesn't break rules for the sake of breaking rules. He breaks rules because they're getting in his way. Otherwise he leaves them alone. It's that simple. That doesn't make him good, but he's not fundamentally evil, that's certain.

Then there's Estrea, the kind big sister figure. Teasing, flirting, sometimes sneaky and unscrupulous, but really just a big softie. Her almost genki nature is a bit unsettling sometimes. Estrea is very very two-faced. To those who don't know her well, she's hyper and happy and overdramatic. To those who she's comfortable with, she reveals a darker side, angry and poisonous, a self-consuming darkness. In the end, Estrea is just a facade for the darkness underneath.

Which brings us to Krista. Krista is very similar to Estrea, but more calculated, more refined in a sense. Not really given to the kind of hyper happiness Estrea possesses, but has a more 'princely' air to her. Pseudo-cool, a more feminine version of Chaos, minus the coarseness. I never explained the reasoning of the name 'Krista', have I? Only to Chengwei I think. Ah well.

Krista bears similarity to 'kris', which in malay means 'dagger' or 'knife'. That's who Krista is, sharp, dangerous. And it also represents a cut, loosening the bonds between past and future. Krista is the future, my future, the future I'm seeking to become. Similarly, 'Krista' reminds me of crystal, multifaceted, a prism reflected within when held up to the light. Strong, yet fragile. That's what it means to be Krista. A crystal knife.

I'm not Krista. But I'm working towards it. It's strange. Evolution always is. I'm her, yet not her. Not yet. Not quite yet. Too many factors to take into account.

The night. Is falling. Night is where I'm most in my element. I feel less inhibited in the dark. I wonder if it's possible to get a night job. I would willingly turn myself into a pseudo-vampire by working nights and sleeping in the day.

I hate the light of day. I hated mornings. The night is not frightening to me. The night is less harsh on the eyes. In the night, I cannot see my hands.

I hated my hands. Long fingered, wide-palmed, large, rough hands. I cannot remember why I loathed them so much. I'm pretty sure they did nothing to deserve it. I'm grateful for how useful they are to me, but at the same time, I cannot bear to look at them.

It's a Macbeth thing, I swear. "Out damn spot, out I say!" Classic.

Similarly, I see blood on my hands. Filth and blood and guilt and sin. Again, there really isn't much justification for it.

Call it a fascination with self-flagellation. Some kind of obscure sadistic instinct to torture myself, maybe? I just like to see myself suffer really. Odd reasoning though.

How do I explain myself? Explaining myself. It seems that I have been doing nothing BUT explain myself since the day I lost the ability to have someone else defend me.

I'm just so sick of having to explain myself. So sick of having to label myself this or that. So sick of trying to justify and condemn my actions.

Why the hell do you think I just sit there and remain mute when people ask me? Pure defiance? Perhaps. But I'm just so tired of defending myself. Condemn me, judge me, just don't have me explain myself.

Or I could stand up and do something to stop the accusations. Do something right, and it will stop. But what is right anymore? God. It's comfortable yes, in my own personal hell. I don't want to talk to them, please don't make me talk to them.

Excuse me while I go rot in this shell of mine.

I miss konks.

Incidentally, I stumbled onto an anime that involves some serious mind-bendy ideas involving time-space warping and other alternate-dimensional thingy. Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

There was also a lot of gender-bending and gender-identity issues involved. ^^ Yes there is yuri. Go Aaeru/Neviril!! *cough* Excuse me.

But aside from the incidentals, I'm absolutely enthralled by the idea of the time-bending trick caused by the Jade/Emerald Remergion that threw Rimone and Dominura into the past. Lol. And by the possibility that either Dominura or Amuria (Neviril's old partner/lover) could have been Aaeru's grandpa. XD

Did I mention that in the world of Simoun, everyone is born female (!!) and when they reach 17, they have to pick a gender at the "spring". Yeah, they actually become guys. O___O

Hence the issue of gender-bending and gender-identity comes in. Strange that all these confusing stuff reminds me of konks. Mainly because we used to have crazy conversations of this sort.

Plus it stretches the definition of yuri. I mean, they all started out being girls lol. Of course, once they become male, I think they count as real guys. So what was a yuri relationship before between two girls, if one chooses to be male and the other remains female, it automatically becomes heterosexual. Follow me yet? XD

Oooh and this isn't even the best part. What if you made the wrong choice at the spring? :P There's no going back after the choice has been made. XD You have to live with it, whether you like it or not. Erie, or Erif as he became later on, found that out. Haha. He wasn't prepared to choose, and the choice was made for him to become male. I think there was some regret involved afterwards. *cough*

Ok enough random Simoun-waving. I'm not paid to advertise the series anyway. XD

Took a peek at my anime pictures collection, and decided that the only "safe" folders to look into are probably the Marimite and Stopani ones. Although there is one picture in the Marimite folder that toes the line of propriety (Sei/Youko naturally).

...um make that two. Possibly three. But the vast majority is safe. Haha.

The Mai Hime folder is like uberly unsafe. I'm pretty sure nudity is not safe. And other compromising positions...hehe. Although I found the KnM parody ones pretty hilarious. XD

KnM folder is rather...ok. If you're fine with two girls being in the same frame, I suppose its rather tame. Nothing too overboard really. I wonder why...

Again, Utena folder is off-limits. Look, if the show itself has incest and homosexuality, imagine what kind of pictures are available. On second thoughts, don't imagine. Lol.

My Hellsing folder is only rated for gore. Lots and lots of blood...well, with a mad vampire like Alucard involved, obviously there's going to be blood. Among other internal organs and fluids... *shrug*

The DN Angel one is safe. Unless you are hyper sensitive and scream "YAOI!!!" whenever two or more of the male characters are in the same frame. Look, they're not doing anything to suggest that. They're just posing for pictures. Lol.

Angel Sanctuary...um...there's yaoi, implied yuri (very very implied, blink and you miss it) and generally gore. Look, Katan got decapitated rather violently by an out-of-control Rosiel. They showed the process. Obviously its violent and bloody. Oh and don't forget the incest too. I still can't get over the brutality of the "Wing Drop" process. Ugh.

Oh, and my Sailor Moon folder. The Haruka/Michiru section is obviously off limits with good reason. The rest of the folder minus that section is pretty small, but otherwise safe. *shrug* Mostly of Saturn/Hotaru, because I have this thing for the Senshi of Death. XD

Have a couple of Trinity Blood pics, mostly of the dark and disturbing type, following the Hellsing and Angel Sanctuary example.

One good Toune pic from Melody of Oblivion. There really is a shortage...

Several from Evangelion of Ayanami Rei, because she's my favorite pilot. Haha. A few of her with Asuka as well...hmm...

Then many other random pretty pictures I gathered up. Heh. When I say pretty, they can mean anything from the usual definition to the darkly psychotic types ala Hellsing-fashion. I have strange ideas of what makes something "pretty".

Considering that I have on occasion called blood "pretty", I guess you can get my drift.

Non-anime pictures are of BoA (duh), and Hyori (konks sent them to me!). The latter is nosebleed-inducing. Konks has this strange idea that sending Hyori pics to me will help me break free of my "odd" obsession with strange anime characters. I wonder...?

I have some of Kitagawa Keiko and a lot more of Komatsu Ayaka. The Keiko pics are safe. The Ayaka ones are not. They're a little on the...loli side? I just can't contemplate the image of a 16 year old (who looks even younger than that) wearing tiny bikinis. All the same, I continue to save them up. -___- I'm weird, I admit.

It probably doesn't help that I actually saw Ayaka's pictorial book on sale in the Bugis branch of Kinokuniya. *eye twitch* To buy or not to buy...it's rather expensive hmm...

And don't ask why I managed to remember the kanji for Ayaka's name. I also remember Sawai Miyuu's, and I also saw her pictorial book on sale. o__o I tried looking for Keiko's one, but I couldn't remember if she did have a pictorial book of her own. I know Ayaka has two, and so does Miyuu. I'm not sure about the rest...

And if you're wondering who "the rest" means, well, the above 3 I mentioned were the actresses portraying the senshi in PGSM. Ehehehe...

Look, I sat through a stupid movie like Tokyo Drift just to watch Keiko. And yes, the movie is stupid. The only saving grace was that I thought the drift races were fun to watch. The plot itself is just moronic. And overused. And cliched. And just downright stupid. Any fanficcer can come up with that. -___-

Gee, I'm weird huh? Eh, whatever.

*has a sudden random urge to say something...*

YOU ARE THE CHUZEN ONE!!!

*cough* Sorry, it just came out. It's just too funny to let go of lol. Not that many lines stick to you like this simply because it is THAT absurd.

Oh and let's not forget "Mass Naked Child Events". *snicker* This one was a mistranslation by a fansub group though, not the actual dialogue (thank god). Still, I think I'll never forget this. Haha.

Ah well. I shall take my leave now. Good day!

I am a weed in the rose garden.
I was poison in a potato leaf.
I will live, because it's hard to get rid of me.

I am a horse, I kick.
I was an ill-tempered breed.
I will live and run free.

I am a stray mongrel on the streets.
I was a scorned mixed breed.
I will live in spite of this.

I am an ordinary human being.
I was not the brilliant star they sought high in the sky.
I will live the way I like it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Hardly a poem. Stupid thing.

If there's one thing I want right now, anything in the world, I just want a future.

Laugh. Go ahead. *sits down and stares idly into the distance*

Hopefully you people can recover to read this part.

I want a future that I can believe in.

Believe it or not, that's harder than you think.

Some people think that a future is something you build with your own hands. I don't decry that thought. It's true. We do shape our future with our own hands.

So I bet people are thinking this: "Well then get up and do something about that future damnit!" Vulgarity is optional.

But you see, I can't believe in that future. I can't believe in what I want. I can't believe that there can be anything in that distant--or not so distant--future that I want. I am terrified that I do know what I want, because I'm not sure if I should be wanting it.

Trust me, it's a long and complicated story.

The future I see is very dark. A lot of bloodshed. A lot of tears. A lot of suffering. It's hard to place faith in a future stained by the cancer of humanity. I find it hard to believe that there can be a future.

You see, I am not a great person. I am not very altruistic. I do not see all these horrible scenes of suffering appearing in the papers everyday and think that I have to do something to change the situation. I am very selfish and self-centered.

Why do you think I have a blog anyway? Because I'm narcissistic. Silly.

So, I am not very wonderful or great or revolutionary or whatever. I am just this normal person. Although many people would beg to differ. I fail to see why I have a whole segment of people who have encountered me during some distant past of mine who seem to think that I have a great future to move on to.

For some reason they think I'm some sort of a genius. I'm not, really. I may be somewhat gifted in certain areas, but that doesn't make me a genius. I don't have the single-minded obsession or passion that characterises one, or the drive to succeed either. I am just a very normal 18 year old girl who happens to be pondering the fate of the universe.

I don't even have the spectacularly extended vocabulary that some of the more intellectual of my classmates possess. I do not have some terribly refined or left-field tastes in literature or music.

I like anime (good god, you can't get worse than liking Sailor Moon, can you?), and I like mainstream Jpop. Ask anyone, Ayumi Hamazaki, Utada Hikaru, and BoA are all very very mainstream in Jpop. I don't even go for the ultra-obscure or uber-cool "alternative music" types in the genre. I don't listen to Jrock either---although I do listen to some Gackt and Hyde sometimes.

See, I am normal. I like normal things. I like hugging fluffy teddy bears. I even like my stuffed green lizard named Chomps, which Grace was convinced that it was absolutely ugly, but bought for me for my birthday anyway because I liked it so much.

I am not a wonderful person. I don't know how to evoke great changes to the world order. I don't even know what to replace it with if I do change it. I think that's the major argument for any attempts to make serious reform. But revolutionary people around the world throughout history have gone "screw the rules, we're changing even if we don't know what's going to replace it!" And in some celebrated cases, that has proved to be the right decision.

But I'm not a hero. I'm not some great person. I do not want to be a great person. Great people have bigger problems. I am satisfied with my little problems. At least, I think I am.

I want a future that I can not be ashamed of. As it stands now, all I can see is a blank slate. Some courageous beings might see this as the perfect place to start, but I am not courageous. I have said, on many occasions before, that I am a coward. Hypothetically speaking, if there was an axe murderer standing in front of me and my friend, I would push the friend in front of me and run away.

That's right, I am a coward. I can cast away my pride to live. After all, what is pride if we die? Live, and make a difference, be it to yourself or to others.

I want to live, if only to see what happens. I would be perpetually lost, because uncertainty is less damningly rigid than certainty. Purpose and destiny is all very well and good, and I admire those who have a purpose in their lives, but I rather be lost in the wilderness trying to grope for a reason to be me and not someone else.

That's right, I don't want to be found. I like being lost. I am happy when I am sad, and sad when I am happy, because for me, both happiness and sadness are the same. I am me, whatever that means, and I want to continue being me, trying to find who who "me" is, and trying to find out more beyond "myself".

I don't want to live someone else's life, living someone else's dream, living a purpose I despise, and forgetting what it means to doubt and to learn.

I sometimes like to think, and then to doubt. Doubt opens possibilities, doorways to other possibilities, and we can learn new things. Doubt is uncertain, unsafe, and even terrifying. People don't like doubt. They want certainty.

Truth is, I'm afraid of doubt too. I don't like standing on this floating ice of doubt, drifting across uncharted waters and wondering when the ice beneath my feet will just melt and give way under my feet. Doubt adds fuel to fear.

But then, certainty is boring. It is very admirable. But it is also staid and safe and consumes all your life and attention. You can be happy with certainty. I won't begrude those who find joy in certainty. I would like some certainty in this inconstant life too, but I know that I would be bored to death by it.

Perhaps, if my mind hadn't awakened to possibility, I would have lived a life of certainty. I would be the straight-A student, probably graduating with a double degree with honors at some prestigious university. I would be great, successful, and probably happy with what I was.

But somewhere along the way my life took a turn. Certainty gave way to doubt. I learnt to think and to question. Why am I here? Why are we like this? Why is the world like this? Why am I me? What does being "me" mean? Does there have to be a meaning to "me"? If there is, what do I mean? Does there have to be a meaning? Who am I? What am I? What does it mean to be me?

Many questions. I had never thought to ask them before. But that divergence happened, and here I am, questioning. Doubting. Above all, thinking.

I like thinking, even though sometimes it does hinder action. Thinking is fun. Thinking helps me to understand. Thinking is the only thing keeping me sane.

It's too late to go back to that unthinking certainty anymore. I can't go back even if I wanted to, and now that I have had time to seriously think about it, I don't want to go back either. I would probably have been happier with that sense of purpose I possessed then, that unswerving certainty that I would go through school and life as that brilliant shooting star that aced everything. I would probably have ended up married somehow, and have kids. And then I would grow old and fufilled, and die at the end of my days, unquestioning.

I would have been happy.

But that's a dream. A dream I can't go back to. And a dream I'm pretty sure I don't want, now that I am cast out into this world of uncertainty.

Everything is fresh and new, being uncertain. I live from moment to moment, half in fear, half in wonder, trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing in the midst of the wilderness. Trying to be me, yet not knowing who or what "me" represents.

I disappointed a lot of people being like that. Wandering through my life, aimlessly, without purpose. I hear them sigh and shake their heads.

What a waste, they say. She would have been a wonderful student, have had a wonderful future, the world at her feet. She would have been great, they lamented, and now she's just throwing it all away by being lazy and irresponsible.

Yes it's true. I am being lazy and irresponsible. By typing this at all, I am already being terribly lazy and irresponsible. Reality, as it has a habit of doing, intrudes once again into the world of the mind. The world doesn't wait for one single girl to figure out who she is and what she wants from life, it just keeps going.

Life is full of possibilities. I keep drifting like a cloud, bornt aloft by the winds. Aimlessly, wandering, without purpose. People would think I require a good kick in the head to "wake me up".

But they're wrong. I am awake. I know full well that my drifting would get me in trouble. That I'm head-on for a collision course. That I would get hurt, and hurt others because of this stubborn recklessness of mine. But I still drift, I still wander, I still wonder.

Because I am terribly selfish. I don't care for others but myself. I drift because I want to, because I hope that, in drifting, I can find out what it means to be me, and that in drifting along, I can pick out useful information along the way to feed the artistic hunger within myself. I am selfish. I only thought about myself.

Because certainty, for me, is so much scarier than doubt. Certainty means that I will be tied down, would meant that I had to *gasp* bear responsibility. I'm lazy, selfish, and irresponsible. What do you think?

Certainty might make one feel safe, but it fills me with dread. Last night I asked for a hug from my father, and I received it. It was cold, clammy, and distant. It didn't feel safe at all. I felt even less secure in the fact that my father's embrace made me feel even more uneasy. If this is what certainty proved to me, I rather that I had never requested for the hug, forever remained in doubt, and at least could bear the illusion that the hug would have been a comforting one.

Doubt gives possibility. I am a coward too, and certainty is far more dangerous to my wandering mind than anything else.

In this life I have left, I doubt that I would ever get married. I would probably remain celibate unless I get horribly horribly drunk and lose control of my senses. I'd be a wanderer in my own mind, endlessly exploring, but never trying it out in real life, because in the end, I'm nothing but a spineless coward, with nothing to fight for because I didn't dare to specify the thing I wanted to fight for.

Terrible fate, isn't it? And you wonder why I can't believe in a future with me in it.

Note the change in the quote under the blog title.

Actually I wanted to put Alucard's quote, then decided the other one put on Seras in a fic was so much better.

In case you were wondering, Alucard's quote was

Hell's Gate Arrested, And Shine Heaven Now.

I decided it was just too inappropriate. I was never in Hell before, so no gate to be arrested. Eh, long story there.

And you thought having something like Heaven's Gate Shut is a good idea?

Well I could explain, but I don't want to be accused of being morbid and fatalistic and atheist. Not that I'm actually atheist, but some people have crappy definitions of the meaning of atheism. Ah well, why bother with them?

Che. Now get back to what you were doing.

Yessir!

I don't remember.

Here I am, tears running down my cheeks.

And I don't remember.

Mommy?

I don't remember telling her how much I loved her.

Mommy...died.

I remember hugging her, the night before I left...she left...

It was precisely 8pm when I stepped out of the ward that night.

I only hugged her.

I thought I would see her again tomorrow.

Then, I woke, tears streaming down my face, at 7.25 the next morning.

I dreamt that Mommy left me.

I heard the phone ring in the hall. My cousin woke to pick it up.

I lay, eyes still shut, face wet with tears.

I heard voices. I was curious.

I crawled out, clutching my pillow, out through the half-open door.

The floor was cold. My cousin was knelt next to the phone.

It was 7.40 on the clock, but I knew that it was 5 minutes ahead.

I don't remember clearly how it happened after that.

Only that shortly afterwards, I was told that mom had died.

I sat at the edge of the bed, shocked, my cousin's arm around me.

And I cried.

Sobbed my heart out, tears running like a waterfall, whatever have you.

I cried like a child that morning, clad in my sleepwear in my cousin's room.

And then I stopped crying after that.

It was all a whirl afterwards. I was in a dress. People were rushing all around me.

Preparing for a funeral. Preparing god-knows-what.

I was a child, so nobody told me anything.

I sat. I stood. I was in a fucking dress.

But I never cried after that morning.

I was numb. I think, part of me couldn't believe that Mommy was gone...for good.

The funeral was very funeral-like. Except that I haven't been to many funerals.

Heck, I don't think I've ever BEEN to a funeral before that.

Cruel then, that the first I had to attend was my own mother's.

I saw it in a coffin. Mother's corpse.

It wasn't her. It couldn't be.

The Mommy I knew would never apply makeup that thickly or that hideously.

I didn't even know how to hate the person who'd made my mom look so...not-her.

I wasn't like a child who'd just lost a parent.

Children who'd just lost their mother shouldn't laugh and play at the funeral.

But I did. Did that make me a bad daughter?

I don't know. I don't know anymore.

I don't remember crying, grieving. Not as much as daddy did after that.

I cried openly only once, on that morning I heard the news.

I don't remember anything. I only remembered moving on.

To an empty house. Cold, dark, and empty.

I never had to open the gate on my own before to come home.

The inside of the house was dark, lifeless.

The lights had to be switched on. Not that it made it any better.

I moved on. Or so I thought.

Plowed along stoically. Watched stupidly as dad cried and grieved and drowned his sorrows in alcohol.

Do you know how disturbing it is to watch a grown man cry while doing the laundry?

Come to think of it, when did I cry during those darker times?

Certainly not in front of anyone else.

I stopped crying for grief's sake. If I cried, it was for theaterical purposes, to suit my own ends.

Acting vulnerable to all those stupid adults certainly got sympathy for me.

And crying, even for selfish reasons in front of an audience, helped in its own little way.

I cried more when I grew into puberty. Damn hormones.

But I never grieved, at least not as openly as my father had had.

I settled for wistful looks into some distance only I could see, the angst and broodiness that just took over my whole self.

I never really grieved for my mother. I grieved for myself.

And now I'm sitting here, trying my damndest to remember.

I never wanted to remember before. It was too painful to remember.

After all, it is most painful, to remember past happiness in present sorrow.

Have I ever seriously told my mother how much I loved her?

I try and I try. But...nothing. I can't remember a scrap.

Random pieces of happiness...but I can't remember telling my mother how much I loved her.

For once, I truly wanted to remember.

Because I don't want to know that in all my years, I had never told my mother how much I loved her.




Happy birthday Mom. You would have been 57 this year, had you lived. You missed your 50th birthday by 4 months, the year you died. I was only able to show you my midterm results a few days before you passed on. As usual, I had been first in class.

I am so sorry Mom. I've been such a useless wreck, a hopeless lump after you died. I know I shouldn't be blaming you now, that I should have been stronger and done you proud the way you would have wanted me too. I've failed you.

And all I want to do now, is just to cry. For myself, for you, I don't know. Only that I'm presently leaking snot and tears onto my keyboard, and its going to be a bitch to clean up later.

I am such a bad child. Such a foolish, immature child.

But for now, just let me be a child for a while longer. Let me hide in my room and cry some more. Let me be your daughter again, that 11-year old you left behind when you died on the 23rd of May, 1999.

I love you. I never said it before. But I really do.

Even if you couldn't possibly hear or see this, I need to say it. I love you mom. I really do.

Will you ever forgive me? For being such a spoiled child.

I love you mom. I'll never forget you.

Sigh.

I miss konks.

Sigh.

No one to blab random things to. No one to discuss the probability of multiple world theories with me. No one to nag me. No one to pick on.

Really, she's like a little sister to me, although on some counts she is more mature than I am. Ah, we all have our little flaws.

I wonder then how it must have been when I absented myself? Hmm. The connection we share is special I suppose. She reads me like an open book. And then again, I'm like an earnest puppy that wears my heart on my sleeve, so reading me once you get past the icy layer really isn't too hard. As much as I despise the comparison of myself to a troublesome pup, I must admit it is much the case.

Ah well. I am, on many counts, irresponsible and happily self-indulgent. Like a puppy, I cling on to my toys with stubborn ferociousness and mark out territory like the half-grown whelp I am. I am fiercely loyal to those that I view as my own, and no matter how much I despise them, I would still protect them in my own way. However, I show no such mercy to those outside my concern. I may feel gratitude at most to those who help me, but I will feel no loyalty simply based on gratitude. I will repay the debt as and when I see fit, but to expect loyalty based simply on that is foolishness. I give my loyalty as I will, and no amount of bribery can swerve me.

Mistake me not, liking someone doesn't necessarily equate to trusting them. It is perfectly acceptable to like people, but that does not necessarily graduate to trust. Trust is, as many people know, to be earned. I don't give trust easily, and I don't expect it to be given easily in return. However, I do like people easily, since my standards aren't particularly high, but trusting them is another ball game altogether.

I wonder what brought this on. Perhaps it is the result of late night musings. Ah, one shall not know the intricate workings of one's own mind. Wisdom will hopefully come with experience, however. That is the best one can hope for.

Generically speaking, what makes the reading of the private little details of the lives of others so sinfully interesting?

...other than the fact that we're all nosy bastards with nothing better to do, of course.

To be completely honest though, when I read the blogs of others, its usually for 2 reasons:

1) The person interests me, or the content of their posts just appeal to me (as of now only three people genuinely fit this category)
2) I just want to keep track of what they're doing

Option 2 happens to me occasionally. Well, Grace's blogs would fit in Option 2 I suppose, and Erika's too. Chengwei's one would have fit too, but he locked his blog and I forgot the password (actually he changed it and didn't tell me---*glare*).

Option 1 is Apolloyon's and Akayuki's blogs generally. The third's a secret. The first two because they do manga translations and anime reviews respectively. Hence I frequent them just to get updates. Lol.

Of course, I reread my own blogs almost obsessively. I guess its because I like remembering how I felt at that particular time. I have strange obsessions.

So why do people even read this blog? I know konks refers to this place for occasional entertainment---and she says that she finds the psycho-emo-goth posts fun to read. I take no responsibility for having unusual friends. However I do take responsibility for writing unusual posts which makes said unusual friends happy. Lol.

Tch. I like blogging crazy things because it distracts me from mundane life. Not to mention I like to out-psycho Chaos whose continued presence in my head is driving me more than a little crazy. Ah whatever, Chaos is good company when he isn't being a morbid little asshole trying to screw my mind over. Which is pretty much what he always does, but there's a difference between "normal" mode and "angst" mode. I prefer the usual, not the angst, thank you very much.

Still, a beautfiul mind is one to be admired. Ah, random line.

If one values one's life and sanity, do not, I repeat, do NOT, under any circumstance, let anyone named Kashiwagi Suguru, Satou Sei, Katsuragi Misato, or Sagisawa Youko offer to drive you anywhere.

That is the truth I have learnt after watching Marimite, Evangelion, and Mai Hime.

XD

It's over.

Bloodstained hands.

It's really over.

Crimson eyes.

Stop...for me?

Dead eyes.

You don't have to fight anymore.

Pale skin.

Stop...just stop...

Broken nails.

Stop it, just stop it...!

Torn clothes.

Why? Why won't you stop?

Ripped flesh.

It's enough...more than enough...

Fires burning, people screaming.

You MUST stop! Can't you hear my voice anymore?

Spilled guts, floor slick.

Stop it! You've had enough!

Slippery, red, purple, ooze.

You...

There's nothing left to kill.

...

And then there was dark.

Such a kind child, really.

Such a kind child who cannot lie.

Lying has its limits too.

So it does.

Taking the seriousness off this blog and off to LJ. What's left here will probably be randomness...um, isn't that all that was here in the first place? Lol.

Why the sad face? I can't bear to see you cry.

Truly.

Why do you turn away? Am I truly so repugnant?

Do you really hate me that much?

Oh, if I do, if I did, it would truly be that much easier.

If I open this door, something terrible will happen.

That's why I cannot, must not, open it.

But...I can't...

...just once. Just a fast one, it would never have to be known.

Oh, that's what they all say.

Your eyes...filled with fear...hatred...suspicion...

...for me?

Your screams... NOOOOOOOO!!!!

It haunts me to this day.

Temptation, I will not take.

I can't play this charade anymore, of pretending that having a part of you would be enough.

I will have to though. This charade keeps one whole.

Just say yes or no. I can't wait for you forever.

I can and I will. Ne, konks, remember that kid you told me about? He waited for you all that time, didn't he? Fools, we both are. Waiting for someone who doesn't give a damn. Heh.

WTF that boy is Adam?!?!

Don't answer that. You won't understand what I'm referring to anyway.

And THE HAT IS ALIVE!!!

Yep.

So everyone is everyone else's imaginations...ehh...

*collapses in dead faint*

I think Eve has a sister complex. Not kidding. Just look at ep 13 and ep 7...

Eve and Lilith's interaction is simply hilarious. Lilith gets worked up, while Eve just smiles and nods and does the whole sparkly-innocent act with those big red eyes.

...great, another red-eyed girl. Gosh.

I like Yamibou's OP theme, ranks side by side with KnM's OP. The ED is a bit blah though. Ah well.

*must resist urge to draw obscure parallels between Yamibou and KnM*

Other than the already obvious character design-theft (Hazuki --> Chikane, Hatsumi --> Himeko)...hey wait a minute. Himeko has violet eyes. Hatsumi has red eyes. Lilith, on the other hand, has violet eyes. so Lilith --> Himeko?!?!?!

Makes sense in the Yamibou context though. Hazuki and Lilith spends quite some time together trying to track Hatsumi/Eve down. I especially love Lilith's line in the end.

Eve: Oh I almost forgot about that (the powers of the hat). It's been awhile since I was here.
Lilith: A "while" is it...? How many tens of thousands of years have you not been here?!?!

And Eve just smiles and nods like its none of her business. >__>

Jeesh. Irresponsible much? Ran away from the Great Library and spent several eons going from world to world to "play", leaving Lilith to take care of the library on her own.

Yamibou is like the ultimate crossover-ing, self-inserting universe with all those "book worlds" where Eve places herself in...and when Hazuki and co start chasing after her trail. I find it interesting to see the world that way. Haha.

I feel sorry for Hazuki though. She needs a big hug for the crappy ending she got. Poor thing. I mean, even Garuganchua got his "happily ever after" in his own little book world. No fair.

...although Hazuki did get a kiss. *cough* Sigh. I think I understand suddenly all the warnings I got on the forums: To erase all existence of what happens after the bedroom scene. X___x

Thank god for my self-installed memory wipers. ^__^ Comes in handy once in a while.

Oh I can't believe this. They did a reset. A goddamn frigging RESET.

Oh yeah, I'm definitely taking the bedroom scene as the official end. The rest is too painful to watch.

Oh-ho! I just spotted another scene KnM "borrowed". XD

...

......

................!!!!

Never mind.

*goes off to maki maki Yamibou scriptwriters*

Finally got round to watching Yami to Boushi to Hon no Tabibito.

Boy is that a long name! Let's just call it Yamibou, so much easier. XD

I love Hazuki! XD Yes, Tall Dark and Bishoujo types tend to get to me. Sigh. And it helps that she's a total tomboy (using the masculine pronoun to refer to herself). Hehe.

Oh and she's handy with a sword. How does she know HOW to fight with a katana anyway? *ponders*

The comedy parts are fun. Ken-chan is funny. Oh yeah, Ken-chan = severely overweight yellow parakeet with a tendency to shoot off his mouth. Lol.

And Garganchua looks/acts gay. Eh, whatever. What kind of guy dances around like some wannabe-ballerina (and I will NOT repeat the old joke of how most male ballerinas are gay...oops I think I just did. ^^) and postures like some 3rd-rate stage actor? Lol.

Anyway, back to the show. 3 more eps, I know there's going to be a depressing ending though. WTF with the "I will return as your child..." Eve needs to be whacked left, right and center for that. >__>

Just decided on a whim that I really really liked the whole idea of an Alexiel/Lucifier pairing in Angel Sanctuary.

See, het pairing. ^__^

Meh...so few fanfic on it...*looks around shiftily* Hmm....

No no no...not thinking anything whatsoever. WHat could I possibly be thinking. No no...

Right. :)

Well back to DQVI for me. Ja!

Man, am I on a Vincent Valentine spiel or what?

Any FFVII fan should understand the reference. If they don't, please eat Cerberus bullet. =P

Still, not half as bishie as Valentine. *shrug* Aw well. Not male either, but who cares?

Besides, I do have an annoying guest named Chaos in my head, just like the V-man.

Who are you calling annoying, brat?

Uh oh, here comes the Chaos-dude. ^^

Hmpf. I can't ever leave you alone for a moment, can I?

Why, whatever woould you say that? I've been a good girl. *halo*

Yeah like that cheap tin foil can fool me. *plucks halo*

Fine whatever. Do as you please.

Isn't that what I always do?

And so you do. Somehow I'm strangely unbothered by that.

By the way, I saw that little exercise in self-flagellation...again.

Oh you did? I wasn't really planning on hiding it this time.

I noticed. As if sadomachoism isn't enough, now you're an exhibitionist too?

Gee, you only figured it out now?

Oh, right. Almost forgot that part.

Getting senile in your old age, aren't you, Chaos?

Very funny dear. So what's up with the Vinny-impersonation?

I notice a certain lack of cape around myself, not to mention the decidedly non-goth image I have now. Or the claw, for that matter.

I didn't mean visual impersonation. That whole "sin" spiel is just too familiar.

Ahh, so that's what you were referring to. Nah, just one of those days.

I see.

That all you gotta say, Devil-boy?

Devil-boy?

Gotta mix it up a little sometimes.

...PMS must be making you weirder than usual.

Che. Tell me something I don't know about.

This obsession with your sin...you're really a good person underneath it all, aren't you?

Why, Chaos, how sweet of you to say so! Did you perchance get off the wrong side of bed today?

I'm being serious here.

I know, and it's freaking me out.

That alone makes it worth the trouble. *smirk*

And THAT'S the Chaos I know and love. Was gonna ring in the Paranormal Department for Invisble Friends to check if there was a glitch in the system or something.

You wound me with your observation, milady.

Ha. Ha. What lady?

Regardless, the perceived weight of your "sin" burdens you, does it not? Always wondering, "Will I be hated?" or "This is not right, the way I feel". The one who is hurting the most is you, and only because you cannot stop hurting yourself.

...why does this sound so familiar? *lightbulb* Oh, KnM!

...stop changing the subject. -___-X

Eeep. Continue. .___.

You accuse yourself, call yourself a sinner, abandon hope for your salvation...because you are afraid. Afraid of confronting your own problems, so you wallow in them, willingly debasing yourself.

Well, that sounds familiar...uh, shutting up now.

Afraid of being called a "good" child, a "kind" child, you react cynically, violently, when another calls you as such. You are afraid to let others know the real you, the gentle soul underneath the cavalier exterior. You view it as a weakness. You despise that portion of yourself, yet strive desperately to protect it.

Such a naive child. Isn't that what you're going to say next?

Yes. You are afraid that by being exposed as this good girl, you would lose all excuse for your misbehaviour and irresponsibility. Your "black sheep" image is no more than a smokescreen, an excuse for you to give up fighting for your ambitions, your pride. You...

...are no more than a spineless coward, a weakling who lost the way. Is that not what you wanted to say? Yes, I abandoned my pride, my ambition. I lost my way. I blinded myself willingly. Because I shook in fear at the thought of emerging into the world on my own. So I surround myself with illusions, to cage me in, protect myself, hurt myself some more...is that all you wanted to say?

...Yes. What happened to that fearless child I once watched over? Who had the world at her feet? Who was willing to battle for her dreams? You are not her, are you? Where has she gone then?

Yes, that girl. Once. Fear comes with age, they say. I grew cowardly as I grew older. That courage is dead. Buried somewhere. Can it be revived? I don't know. I don't know anymore.

You are selfish.

Are you only just beginning to realise that?

*chuckles* Of course not. I should have known...

...known what?

You've always been lying, haven't you? Lying to others, but above all, lying to yourself. Your pride is not dead. You still hate to lose, don't you? That's why you don't compete, you coward. You don't try because you're afraid to fail. Spineless coward, living in your own dreams. You're just a sore loser.

Oh very well. Reveal all my deepest, darkest secrets, will you? Che.

You won't live much longer like that, you know that, don't you?

I know. What do you think I wrote Broken Shards for anyway?

...a legacy? No...ghostwriting. You're writing for a life you never lived.

And never will, hopefully.

Of course. I really don't want you to die so soon, you know.

Do you really care for me at all?

Nah, just that if you died, I'd cease to exist. Kinda sucks and all.

You know what Chaos? I do like you too. Despite everything.

And you're an annoying brat. Infuriatingly so. But still adorable in your own bratty way.

Yeah I love you too, you great big oaf. Now go back to sleep.

Do I have to?

Yes, you do. We can talk later.

Talk? That's all we're gonna do?

I still need to get you back for that damnable dream this morning. I didn't need to wake up with that on my mind, you fiend!

Well, since you can't have the real thing, might as well... *shrug*

Get out of here now!

*dodges random flying object* Uh, k. (aside to audience: don't mess with PMS-ing women!)

And he's gone. Good riddance, there.

Hope you enjoyed the show.

*bows*

Oh yeah, I posted something that I wrote at the BJj forums, although I think it should really be in the SJA forums, but I'm being a bit nervous about posting it there...cold feet I suppose.

It was terribly sad. It was angst after all. I was terribly cruel, as usual.

You know, I actually liked Selene. The main focus of that little vignette.

But then again, I do tend to always hurt the ones I love.

THIS IS NOT ME!!! Selene had screamed. But it was too late.

I am evil after all.

Lamentations come to mind. But we won't forgive me anyway.

Selene should hate me. I just killed her partner. In the cruellest way possible.

Anyway, enough babbling. I provide the text for those who wish to view it.

Story

Warning: contains shoujo-ai (implied). Don't click if you don't want to read.

That said, I take my leave. *bows*

Such a kind child really
Such an innocent child who cannot lie
Lying has its limits too

So beautiful it hurts
It's so bright...turn it off
The darkness that hoods those eyes

Take my face in your hands, feel it with your own two hands
How I look, who I am
See for yourself
This is who I am
What I am
Can't you see?

You are kind, so very kind
You taught me how to feel
And now, what is left?
I do not understand

You're so kind it's cruel
So cruelly innocent
I would hate you
I want to hate you
This is me
Who hates you so much

Your kindness, your gentle smile
What have you done to me?

I am not sorry
Not sorry at all
Not at all
No, I'm not sorry
Not sorry for hating you

See, this is what I have become
A cold hand caressing my cheek
I won't cry anymore
I will be strong
This is my promise
For hating you

The perfect you
That flawless image
That is you and not you
I hate you for being thus
Hate you for not being perfect

This illusion
I hold close to my heart
Is not you at all
It looks like you
Smiles like you
But is still not you

And I hate you
Because you're not the you I want
No one can compare

I won't fall in love
I can't
Because I already have

That perfect illusion
Not you, not I
Nor anyone else
Can't be lived up to

Tears...I won't shed them
So easy to crush
Yet no one ever sees

Smiling, laughing
A normal child
Not in love, nor in hate
Just another child
Who cares about a broken toy?

The mouth moves up and down
But no sound comes out
This is me

A broken toy
A broken doll
Shattered reflections
Against broken shards

That is what I am

"You're so kind it's almost cruel.
...I want to become like you."

And that'll teach me NOT to listen to Last Night On Earth by Delta Goodrem while reading ShizNat doujins. Bad idea. Baaad idea.

Just like listening to agony by Kotoko is an incredibly bad idea when reading any mildly romantic fanfiction.

Oh great. Just when I said so, Last Night on Earth starts playing. It's on shuffle damnit! Why is WMP so evil?!?!

I want to cry. T____T The combination of the song + the emotions in the doujin is making me go POOF! *head explodes*

It's probably the hormones. Right, the hormones. Time of the month and all.

Nothing to do with the fact that the lyrics of LNOE fits the situation like a hand into glove. Not at all.

*thinks of Negi 100%*

Damn, that line...

Show me. Show me how much you love me. In your way. In your own way.
Show me...

What is it about those red eyes that make me want to cry everytime I see them? Seeing the sadness. The pain. The unshed tears. It makes my own heart throb in time with the pulses of pure pain that resonates from within those crimson pools.

Blood...

Hmm...the final page of Negi 100% fits exactly with the lyrics of LNOE. The Tours Vol 4 also fits in. It's sad. I'm sad.

Here's the translated quote paraphrased from one of the pages from Negi 100%.

That night...
She held me close, never loosening her grip
And neither did I let her go

As if we'd never been together
As if we'd never have the chance to be together
As if we would be together forever

One night of love
Always being together with that person by your side
So this is happiness...

Yes I've been exposed as a terribly big sap. So sue me. I am a girl after all. And a hormonal one to boot. I hate PMS.

Lol. But they make me sad. I love it, but they make me sad. They always bring tears to my eyes. Why? Why is that so?

Ara, who knows?

One does one's best. One will hold one's cards close and play them when it is time.

One is, after all, a sinful human being. Unlike all others, yet like everyone else.

With these sinful hands I have...

I'm beginning to lose track of exactly who is in love with who. Oh hell.

It's becoming seriously convoluted...wonderful, ain't it? I like complicated plots. It adds to the rereading value. So I can understand the story better when I go through it a second time.

Still, it agrees with the way I view the world and God in general. It's strange really. How I view God is admittedly less harsh compared to the way God is being portrayed in the manga, but the principle is still there.

We're all His children. Human, angel, demon, all children of the Almighty. Demons, once, were angels too. We're all His creations.

Whatever. To lose the "self" and become one with God, that is the ultimate happiness, apparently.

Then why give us "self" in the first place? Why chain us by giving us "self"? If "self" didn't exist, we wouldn't have to be chained. We would just be a part of you.

How cruel then, our Almighty God. Forcing us to choose! To continue loving only you, when love itself is supposed to be unselfish...to be shared.

No. Love is a selfish emotion. The desire to...take, to possess.

The desire of humans to love and be loved...to chain and be chained, by each other's hands...

That is the "love" we share.

Oh mighty God! How far your children have fallen! Merciful Father! Omnipotent Creator! This is the work of your hands! You, who stood aside and watched your children suffer! All for your means...your wisdom shines upon us all, sinful children of God himself...

I've said this before and I''ll say it again: blasphemy is fun.

Yes I am a sinner. Yet we are children of this "God" who created us on some unknowable whim. Made in His image, once mud and clay, and with His divine breath brought to life...

Our Loving Father...Wise Creator...Almighty God...

No more than a cruel being. Love? He sacrifices his own Son for us! What does that say? That he loves us more? A cruel God, ruthless. That's what it means.

Cruelty like none other.

Let us live! Let us breathe! Let us be part of you!
Father, oh Father, why hast thou forsaken us?
Are we not all your children?
Yet you say we turned away from you.
We only ever wanted to be loved, that is all.
Can't hear your voice...
Is this what life is about?
We are so far away from you...and each other.
This is our sin.

What is this? My lips...sings of sin, spills forth like tainted honey. Corrupted.

The light touch of a desecrating hand, to full ruby lips, the beautiful poison that stains that gentle light.

Love only me. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

Look only to me. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, bow down thyself to them or serve them.

My children...! Love thy God to the exclusion of all else!

That is the purpose for which I have made thee.

The carousel goes on spinning, whirling in perfect synchronisation.

This thing known as "love", a beautiful taint on the flawless blank slate.

This little thing, that has moved heaven and earth, that will overcome all obstacles...

This little thing...

...will be the destruction of us all.

Is that not true?

Let us then, as we always have, continue watching the scenes unfold.

For there is nothing we could have done anyway.

Oh GREAT.

Why is everyone in-FUCKING-love with Alexiel??????????

Either that or they're in love with Setsuna. Or both. *coughKuraicoughNanatsuyacough*

Still, I find it hilarious that Lucifier is in love with Alexiel. XD

Back to reading! I can't wait! Haha.

Wai~~~

I love Angel Sanctuary. Yeah I got the manga.

It's really more than the incest between Setsuna and Sara. It's not presented in a hentai fashion. They really really DO love each other. They just happened to be siblings, that's all.

And if you want to be really picky about it, they aren't even real siblings in their souls...after all, Setsuna was Alexiel before, and Sara was...*cough* Let's not spoil it.

XD

I just adore this manga. It has exquisitely twisted pairings, stretching even the definition of yaoi and yuri. After all, if one has a female soul reincarnated in a male identity, and then ending up in a female body no thanks to an "accident", is that person female or male or what???

...yeah I know, it's making my head hurt.

And I adore the warped reflections of the angels portrayed here.

Raphael, the beautiful one, reduced to being a lecherous womanising playboy who treats women with contempt, tossing them aside like toys after playing with them.

Michael, one of the archangels, a spoilt stubborn little boy with a volcanic temper and a small mind, with a craving for violence.

Metatron, the First of the archangels, a childish little boy with the innocence of newborn babe, willingly manipulated by others.

This is beautiful. Not to mention I love the artwork.

*squeals* Uriel, Angel of Death, is HOT.

...yes and he's male. See, I can also squeal over guys as I do over girls.

And since we've gotten to that, Alexiel is really really one gorgeous woman. Sigh. No wonder Rosiel loves his sister in that sick twisted way of his...although I think he's rather happy with Katan now. XD

(and yes Rosiel and Katan are both male...see, there's yaoi! haha)

Let's see, the others I really like are:

Sakuya Kira! He's hot! I like his hair. ^__^ I'm a sucker for hair like that.

And yeah, my weakness for pretty boys strikes agan. Sometimes I really wonder...

Katou Yue isn't so bad really, he reminds me visually of Sha Gojyo from Saiyuki, especially around the eyes, when he wears that bandana around his head. Kinda cool really, and the wi---*clamps hands over mouth*

Must...not...reveal...spoilers...

Lol.

Although my current favorite character has GOT to be Belial, alias the Mad Hatter. She's cool! Yeah, even though she looks like absolutely androgynous (flat chested to boot), but then again, this is a shoujo manga to begin with, androgynity is pretty normal.

*pauses* Wait, my favorite character is a female AGAIN?

...Damn. This time I thought it would be a guy too. Aw well.

Yeah, Belial kicks ass. Love the third person way of speaking, "one does one's best". Hehe.

And in the end, "one is a demon, after all". You tell them, Belial! Haha.

Meh, the plot is really engrossing. I really like this kind of story. Haha. The more twisted, the better.

And I particularly enjoy how the demons are portrayed. As they should be, they betray each other and even their own Lord, Lucifier, without a second thought, if only to serve their own desires. That's how demons should be, and I like how it's done here. There is no redeeming light for them, for they are fallen, ex-angels bathed in the taint of Hell.

Even Astarte, who for a few moments seemed like a "good person", was exposed to be truly mad, after all. Astaroth, the bloodthirsty brother, isn't much better. They're all insane down there. And I'm not too sure about Belial either, that twistedness of the love she bears for Lucifier, that "in the instant the love is gratified, it will be gone, destroyed".

All these fallen angels are a disturbed bunch.

...although, not like the angels still "up there" are in their right minds, either.

Rosiel is mad. Not really his fault there though. Katan went mad for awhile, but he got over it...or really? He's obsessed with Rosiel though.

Raphael is corrupt, Michael is volatile and unstable, Gabriel is "out of commission", Metatron is essentially a useless puppet...it goes on.

And what of the almighty God? Asleep, apparently.

The experimenter, who, regardless of the results, was obsessed with creating a replica of the holy Adam Kadmon, a blend of the positive and negative energy influences...and has only succeeded once, with the twins: Organic Angel Alexiel, and Inorganic Angel Rosiel.

Cain and Abel, reborn again.

Except Alexiel is Cain, and Rosiel is Abel. And this time, Alexiel couldn't bring herself to kill her dear brother Rosiel, who was so loved by God, and instead sealed him into the earth instead.

The Inorganic Angel Rosiel, whom God so loved, to the exclusion of his twin, the Organic Angel Alexiel. The one who was cast aside, forbidden to even enter Aziliuth, the heavenly plane, kept separate from her twin brother Rosiel.

All she had wanted was to be loved by God too. Was that too much to ask?

In the end, every character in the story just really wanted something to love. Even in their own twisted ways, warped and defiled as they were, they wanted to love and be loved.

No wonder this is a shoujo manga...

My other favorite character isn't even human, angel or demon. It's simply a spirit. Haha. Otherwise possessing "Sakuya Kira", the sword spirit, bound with Lucifel's soul...

...oh great, why do I always like the bad guys?!? Lol.

But then again, there are no good guys here in this manga. The closest person who come close to being "good" is Raziel. I would have said Katan, but some of his actions are a bit...hmm. He did, after all, sacrifice a whole bunch of innocent human lives in order to break Rosiel's seal.

Sara would be the next candidate, but look, she's in an incestous relationship with her brother. That makes the definition of "good" a little shaky, no? But doubtlessly, even with that, she is still an "innocent". Just like Kurai is.

And going back to the point of the manga where I am, at Volume 11...WTF Asmodeus is in love with Belial, who is herself in love with Lucifel/Lucifier who is *cough*

I said no spoilers damnit. Lol.

Ahh, whatever, time to get back to reading. ^__~

Hmmm note the amount of "long stories" cropping up in the last post. Interesting, ain't it?

Someday, one day, I might sit down and actually share the long stories. It's come to the point that the number (and length) of the assorted long stories are starting to become inconvenient. Lol.

Still, long stories are fun...at least up to a point. I subject myself to any number of such so-called "inside" (waaaaay inside) jokes every day. That's why sometimes people see me smiling or chuckling for no apparent reason. So, really, I'm not psycho when I giggle inanely to myself sometimes. Something funny probably just occured to me.

Or I just felt like laughing. Who knows?

Ah, the wonders of youth. And yeah, again another inside joke/pun/reference. If I tried to explain every pun and reference I make, I'd never work my way through a sentence, much less a conversation.

Here's another nice one though:

BUTTOOOOOOOHN!!!!!!

*cough* Catch the 1st Maria-sama ni wa naisho to get what I mean. It's on Youtube.

The above is always good for a laugh or two. Or several. Just thinking of poor Yumi fumbling with the French pronunciation is amusement enough, apparently. Konks, since you take French, I guess it shouldn't be all too tough for you. I know I had problems too. Lol.

Now try this. Say the following very very quickly.

Rosa Chinensis en bouton petite soeur

For clumsy speakers like myself, I tend to stumble by the time I reach the "petite" part. Lol.

Ok here's the next challenge. Say all 3 lines very very quickly, one after the other.

Rosa Chinensis en bouton petite soeur
Rosa Foetida en bouton petite soeur
Rosa Gigantea en bouton petite soeur

~_~

...I wonder how Sachiko's VA does it so effortlessly? Practice? Maybe...

And all those uberly long names just referring to Yumi and Yoshino respectively. The third one doesn't exist for now because Sei (Rosa Gigantea) didn't take a petite soeur while in her 2nd year, only taking on Shimako in her 3rd year.

Ok for another round of "fun" references, I have...

Green tea!

Uh, lol. It's funny only if you watched Mai Hime. Anytime I see green tea, I think of my dear kaichou-sama, and hilarity ensues. Eh, whatever, I'm weird.

Giant mecha jokes that span to KnM are pretty much overdone though.

And I finally understood what Dekochin means. Examples of such people? Suzushiro Haruka/Haruka Armitage, and Toumori Shion. XD

*chants* Wiiiiiide shiiiiiny fooooooreheads~~

XD

Then there's the classic 'maki maki'. Hehe.

Of course, I snigger whenever I hear of either roses or lilies. Roses because of the whole Utena aftershock, as well as Marimite influences. Lilies, well, because yuri means lily in japanese. Capish? ^__~

Makes you wonder really, when Marimite's Student Council is called the Yamayurikai. *cough*

The kanji for the 'yama' part means 'mountain' I think. Well I do know a bit of chinese. So, 'mountain lily council'? *coughs* Whatever.

And I still crack up whenever I am reminded of the Eva/Marimite parody. XD

One fanart has Youko as Gendou (I KNOW!), with Sei as the Evil Henchwoman (TM).

One fan AMV parody...has Sachiko as Gendou. And Yumi as Ayanami Rei... >__>

Kinda fits if you think about it though...

And Touko (aka the Drill) as Shinji. And the Denpa as Asuka...although I'm not too sure, because Touko/Shinji pilots Unit-02, Asuka's red Eva.

...although the reason for that is because of Touko as part of the Rosa Chinensis family (aka the Red Roses), hence the color scheme. Whatever, overanalysing aagin.

Yoshino as Misato really got me though. XD They have the same exuberance. Although I HAD to wonder why Hasekura Rei ended up as Akagi Ritsuko...is the creator hinting at something? Lol. Ritsuko and Misato are close friends after all, just like Rei and Yoshino are close. ^^

Now I really want to see fanfiction starring the Marimite characters in Evangelion. Can you imagine? *cough* The Evas wearing skirts...O__O

Maybe either Jeff or Shane can pick it up...Jeff might be freed up after his Stopani/Marimite crossover, so who knows? XD

Ok enough insanity for one night. Ja!

Hmm memorable lines.

Just, just think of it as my..."selfishness".

Long story. But it was a heartbreaking one nevertheless.

It's my fault......so you have done nothing wrong.

Can I take a moment to say how much I HATE this line? Especially when its applied to me. Again, long story.

There is no such thing as "miracles".

Made famous by a certain orange-haired Duelist. ^^

No one said no right?

This line made me want to cry in relief and just smile from the bottom of my heart. Again, looooong story.

Say my name.
Please...
Why? Why can't you ever...?

Ok I need to quit the angst. Again, this one's another long story.

What have you done?

...ok I swear this is the last angst bit for myself.

I am always thinking of you. Please do not forget it.

Ok I lied.

Let's go home.

There. Simple, sweet, hopefully un-angsty. Done for the day.

Peeked at Melody of Oblivion (I watched a few eps on tv once), decided to give the series a chance and see if its worth buying/downloading.

Sat through 7 episodes wondering how many sleeves Bocca destroyed while resounding his Melos.

And finally someone over at the office realises that and gives Bocca a sleeveless outfit. See, wasn't that more convenient than trying to sew back your sleeve after wrecking it with resonation? Jeeesh.

Went all 'whoa' at the introduction of Toune. Well she IS pretty. No lez vibes off her, but she could very well turn others lez. Why? Explain later.

And not to mention that her Ivermachine's human form is totally cute. What a matched set. XD

Episode 8 we got to see Toune resound her Melos. Which was...ummm...O___O There is no other word for it. And its the scene where I thought would make guys drool and girls blink rapidly. Why?

---> Her Melos tattoo is on her thigh. Her INNER thigh. Like, under her already pretty short skirt level. And she has to draw her arrow over it. *coughs*

....not to mention that the resonation from the tattoo (hey remember it rips off Bocca's sleeve lol) makes her skirt fly up. Lol. So she draws her arrow over the tattoo with one hand(ugh why does it have to sound so suggestive?!?! Because it IS) and uses her other hand to hold down her skirt.

And the above action has the effect of making her look like she's orgasming. I'm not kidding. The pose is suggestive itself on its own, and the blush on her cheeks is NOT HELPING. At all. Ugh. Lol.

Fanservice is fanservice I know, but that's really taking it a tad far isn't it? Not to mention all the Gratitious Camera Angles that we get treated to throughout the episodes I've watched so far. Although when it comes to Toune my inner fangirl goes yay! Which exemplifies just how perverted I am I suppose. Lol.

And I refuse to talk about the faux bondage scene in episode 15. Refuse refuse REFUSE!

...damn Toune's hot.

Ahem. Moving on.

And just to tell you konks, it's not shoujo ai in any shape or form. There's one mildly yaoi scene in ep 1, but I don't think wanting to eat someone really counts as attraction really. And when I say eat, I do mean the type where you consume food. *cough* There are monsters in the show after all.

Geh. Much fanservice in the show. Overly top-heavy girls in certain episodes (Sayoko is one, but she's a permanent fixture to the team, so that doesn't count...I think). At least Toune is modestly (though still generously) proportioned without looking like something out of hentai fantasy land. Sigh. Overly busty girls = not my favorite form of fanservice. I keep thinking practical questions like how inconvenient it is...lol.

Well I still haven't gotten very far with the show. Still stuck at ep 10...and if you're wondering how I knew about the bondage thing in ep 15, um, let's say spoilers are fun. ^__^ Lol.

*goes out to save Toune pics*

At the Beginning (greed edition)

We were strangers, starting out on a business
Never dreaming, what we’d have to go through
Now here we are, I’m suddenly standing
In the boardroom with you

No one told me I was going to find you
Unexpected, what you did to my purse
When I lost money, you were there to refund me
This is the start

And money is a thing that I wanna keep earning
Profit is a river, I wanna keep flowing
Wealth is a road, now and forever, wonderful money
I’ll be there when the dividends start coming
I’ll be gone when the credit is through
In the end I wanna be standing
In the boardroom without you

We were strangers on a crazy investment
Never dreaming, how our bets would come through
Now here we stand, unafraid of the future
In the boardroom with you

And money is a thing that I wanna keep earning
Profit is a river, I wanna keep flowing
Wealth is a road, now and forever, wonderful money
I’ll be there when the dividends start coming
I’ll be gone when the credit is through
In the end I wanna be standing
In the boardroom without you

Knew there was some money, just where
A new good to plug
Now I know my shares will rise on
I’ve been plotting so long
Nothing’s gonna tear us apart

And money is a thing that I wanna keep earning
Profit is a river, I wanna keep flowing
Wealth is a road, now and forever, wonderful money
I’ll be there when the dividends start coming
I’ll be gone when the credit is through
In the end I wanna be standing
In the boardroom without you

Yeah

Wealth is a road that I wanna keep going on
Profit is a river, I wanna keep going

Starting out on a business

Wealth is a road that I wanna keep going
Profit is a river, I wanna keep flowing
In the end I wanna be standing
In the boardroom without you
===================================================================

Ok I just had to finish this. XD It was too hilarious to pass up, although some parts were hard to do. Back to real work then.

I lurk and I lurk and I lurk all night~~
With a sneak sneak here and a peep peep there
I will lurk I will lurk til my hair goes whiteeeeeeeeeeee~~!!!


I am mad. Fear me. =P

Lil piece of randomness for the day.

NINJA SKILLZ!!! ---> Only a few people will recognise where exactly I'm referring to.

I dreamt of 50 cent coins! And picking 'em up! And some of them were the size of drainage covers! Wheeee!

And money is a thing that I wanna keep earning
Profit is a river, I wanna keep flowing
Wealth is a road, now and forever, wonderful money
I’ll be there when the dividends start coming
I’ll be gone when the credit is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the bank vault without you

Oh. My. God.

I rule.

XD

Now that I'm sufficiently destressed, I shall go eat dinner before I study. ^^

Ja!

P.S. I might transform the entire song eventually. And I do not own "At the Beginning". Just so, you know, disclaimers are good. XD

Was thinking about explosive arrowheads on the walk back from the station.

I strolled, so I had a good half hour to just let my mind wander.

I was thinking, homemade explosive arrowheads? Why not?

Just add potassium and water...and BOOM.

Needs to be a fair sized chunk of potassium though.

And it's less conspicious than a fire arrow. The light of the flame practicaly announces your location if you're in the dark.

Still, it's more effective to use fire arrows for large groups of archers, since its faster and easier to create. Because a rain of flaming arrows usually cuts off responses from the other side, at least for a while.

Solo archers sneaking around might want to consider exploding arrowheads. Good as a distraction, and more or less useful to start off a small conflagaration if shot right. And you don't announce your location to one and all.

All those thoughts were running through my head as I paced my way home. I know, I'm weird. What kind of person thinks about how to manufacture explosive arrowheads without actually using explosives, and strategies on how and when to use them? Especially in this day and age...haha.

Even thought of a rudimentary design on how to make the arrowhead explode on contact instead of before it reaches its target. Involves rubber balloons filled with some water, large chunk of potassium, and a needle. Some tape, and there might be gum involved. XD If anyone is actually interested, get on MSN and ask me how it works. Lol.

Maybe I should patent the idea. Haha.

Still, water and potassium don't make a big enough bang. Perhaps hydrochloric acid...? But then the rubber ballon idea won't work. I need a new design. Now...what materials are acid proof? ^^ And preferably easy and convenient to work with. Haha.

One wonders about the randomness of my mind. If I had gone the science route, I'd have probably been inventing all sorts of wacky things that are probably useful but unnecessary.

...*suddenly thinks of Leonardo da Vinci for no apparent reason*

If you understood the above line and what it implies, kudos to you. If you don't, well, TOO BAD. Cos I'm not going to bother to explain. Unless you bug me, that is. Which I doubt you would. So there. =P

Because I'm in a "let's share!" mood, it's time to make a list!

List of what? Um, things I want to reveal I guess. ^^

And heeeere goes! XD


1) I sing mushy love songs in the sanctity of the bathroom attached to my bedroom. *
2) I'm obsessed with peeling dead skin off my feet. ^^
3) I've been lugging around a green lizard stuffed toy named Chomps for the whole week. :)
4) I have been known to randomly yell "Materialise!" and then collapse into helpless giggles.
5) I have also been known to mutter "maki maki" repeatedly under my breath with a glazed look on my face.
6) Have also been known to point dramatically and say "YOU ARE THE CHUZEN ONE!" to thin air.
7) I kill ants indiscriminately.
8) I have watched KnM's final episode a bazillion times in order to hear Himeko's cheesy and overwrought confession.
9) I have a secret obsession with seeing fast cars in a drift race. **
10) I watched Tokyo Drift in order to see Kitagawa Keiko...***


Notes:
* Mushy love songs being only Not Me, Not I and Lost Without You by Delta Goodrem. I don't sing other mushy love songs. What do you think I am anyway?
** Which implies I should probably watch the Initial D movie. But I won't. Because I can't stand Jay Chou. =P
*** Yes, even though she only had a bit part in the show. Kei-chan is just too cute/hot. XD Makes me wonder what I'll do if BoA starred in a movie...


Numbers 4-6 are obviously on crack. Haha. Sorry, those lines just keep getting me. I still can't get over the "YOU ARE THE CHUZEN ONE!", bad pronunciation and all. XD And saying "maki maki" feels somehow carthartic. Don't ask me, weird girl with weirder obsessions here, remember?

Now if you'll excuse me.

I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I want you or not. I don’t know if I love you, or if I’m just grateful to you for being the first to try and end my solitude. I don’t know if I feel happy because you’re my friend or something more. I don’t even know if I can be attracted to women.

Got that off a fic, and I KNOW, konks, I really shouldn't be putting it here anymore, but it just seems more in-character to put it here than there, if you know what I mean. Just go re-read that other blog, and you see a slightly different side of me there. It just wouldn't be right there, somehow.

And that above interlude is exactly what I love so much about the whole Shizuru and Natsuki relationship, this time from our dear Kuga-san's point of view. It just seems deeply appropriate, on all counts, and at all levels.

And to address the whole "no more shoujo ai slant" resolution I made before, well, I even told konks that it was ultimately impossible for me NOT to talk about shoujo ai, inadvertently or not, especially since this blog is about me and my often wayward thoughts, and my often wayward thoughts tend to stray down that alley, hence, this.

The only thing I can spare her is the extended rants on the merits (or demerits) or shoujo ai pairings and likewise related material. Which is the purpose of the new blog. However, if I want to rant about myself, and if it somehow contains shoujo ai material (well I reference events in my life to my current obsessions, which currently happens to be shoujo ai, so there), then it's just too bad.

And right now I just had a interestingly disturbing thought about a song from the Seramyu, can't remember the title, but it was by the Three Lights. Otherwise known as the Starlights. Also known as transgendering-aliens-who-look-like-they-just-stepped-off-a-porn-movie-set.

Don't ask. Just...don't.

Still, Shizuru reminds me of myself sometimes. I'm not even halfway as perfect, or as composed. Or as capable. Or as psychotic. Or as obsessed (thank god). Just something about the girl that touches me deeply. Maybe it's those red eyes, that look like blood. Kind, red eyes; crimson, obsessive, dangerous. Beautiful eyes.

Just, I understand.

>> Do you really hate me that much?

I even remember it in its original japanese form. Remember the pain. The desolation. And ultimately, that wilful self-delusion, the blindness. And there comes the acceptance...that godforsaken acceptance that it could never be.

Shizuru is Shizuru because she is perfectly flawed. No, that's not an oxymoron, you moron. :P Tunnel vision at its best, because she can only see one person. And because of that singular focus, she cannot see other things. Will do anything for her most precious person, yet not really seeing her, because Shizuru believes that it could never be, and thus does not comprehend that it could ever be, even if she daydreams about the possibility.

As you can probably tell by now, I'm very much a Shizuru fangirl. Her perfection, and her flaws, both draw me to her. I love her because she is perfect, but also because she is flawed. Because I can see into her psyche, watch the scenes unfold through her eyes, and feel that freezing undercurrent running a chill up my spine as I understood.

I love her because I would have been her in a different lifetime, a different lifestyle. Seeing that clear bright line from A to B, never hesitating to crush, literally, any and all opposition to reach her goal...and yet, when it came down to her and her MIP, she cannot make that final step, the perceived taint of her many sins holding her back, unable to reach out.

She is after all, afraid. Afraid of letting Natsuki see that tainted, sullied side of her, the blood on her hands. She has played too long that image of perfection to Natsuki, she does not know how Natsuki will react to seeing her true self.

So she hides. Until she breaks down. To her very limit.

And then she smiles. Even as her world crumbles around her, she smiles.

Because that is all she knows how to do.

...

I must apologise to you konks. I said no more mechanics of shoujo ai relationships, but here I am again. -___- But then again, this is more a discourse on character analysis, on a character who just happens to be openly and canonically lesbian.

Why am I making excuses? And I refuse to apologise. Because like Chengwei says, even apologising can be a selfish gesture, because we want to feel forgiven. It becomes an act of self gratification, so to speak.

Which completely detracts from the original meaning, naturally.

What wrong did I do here anyway? None that I can see as of now. SO why does that word "sorry" just slip out like a second breath, like a natural process?

Probably because one is too used to apologising, to trying to soothe over the situation with a simple, pithy word that would hopefully smooth over the tensions. It was much easier to take the blame, apologise, and move on; then to argue and chew over old soup as the fight degenerates into senseless scuffling.

I don't say sorry to make myself feel better. I say it to close the situation. To put a period at the end of the sentence. To just quit the haggling over just WHO was at blame for such-and-such problem. And anyway, most of the time it IS my fault, so apologising probably sounds like the right thing to do.

Callous? Wouldn't put it past me. In short, "sorry" is simply convenient. It ceased to hold much meaning a long time ago. Now it is merely a polite formality. Something that is expected, something that doesn't cost much more than the breath taken to say it. That's how I see it.

Still, the word "sorry" reminds me of forgiveness. Or at least, the request FOR forgiveness. That I take the whole tradition of apology as mere lipservice probably says a lot about my character, or about how I view the concept of forgiveness as a whole.

And then again, it reminds me of a conversation I had with Grace, who says that I'm painting myself to be a worse person than I really am. And she is right, as she usually is when it comes to me. Am I that transparent? Possibly.

Because, like Natsuki, I wear my heart on my sleeve, while simultaneously exuding an icy, forbidding aura while glowering in a way that would make Duran proud. Damnations. I really am an oversized puppy after all. Just like Natsuki herself is. No matter how much she denies the fact and tries to deathglare all witnesses into submission.

Beautiful flowers are meant to be loved, for they are doing their best to bloom in their short lives.

x__x Thank you for that insight Shizuru.

Supposedly, I take on the mantle of bad girl, black sheep, sometimes-delinquent (now doesn't sound familiar? Like one Yuuki Nao, perchance?). It is, after all, easier to play to such expectations than to disappoint others (and mostly, myself) should I choose to be that shining star in the sky.

高处不胜寒。

Damn right it is.

Still, Nao reminds me partially of myself. Actually, I am most like Nao, minus the bitter cynicism...(oh really?) Ok ok fine, with cynicism, just different in execution. Her issues with her mother is like mine, of course. Her anguished cries of "Mama!" after Shizuru demolished her Child Julia struck a nerve. That...was I'd have done. Then again, I will probably always have issues about my mom. She's far too important in my conception of the past to ignore.

Then again, I was speaking of taint. I play up the disturbed, highly intelligent, lost little girl side of myself. I'm not lying about that part of myself, per se. Exaggeration of an existing condition is not quite an all-out lie...eh right. Still. You get what I mean.

You know something is really wrong when you start identifying with admittedly crazy people. Which I am apparently doing.

After all, I have thought like Shizuru (while in psycho mode, no less), I have compared myself to Akio and Reito (the former of which is a fucktard, and the latter while in Obsidian Lord mode). I feel closely related to people like Kozue and Nao, and I angst like Juri (see: the locket).

Meh. I'm not really all that unusual (oh really?). Perhaps.

When it comes down to it, I am ultimately a nice girl (so everybody tells me). I'm just a terrible coward, is all.

And we all go yay-fucking-doo to the tune of Three Blind Mice, while tapping our feet in a vulgar imitation of the Nutcracker, without the elegance.

Isn't life grand that way?

Color me confused, amused, blowing a fucking fuse.

It's all good, more food, no mood.

I'm going insane, rolling the main, trashing the train.

Cos rhyming is fun, I'm done, gotta run.

^__~

*is tempted to quote Shizuru*

"Ureshii..."

It was translated to "I am fufilled" although i think the translation of "I am glad" is probably more accurate. Meh.

Just wanted to pop by and say that. Not that I actually mean it. Just wanted to say it.

*quotes Kaname and points dramatically in random direction*

"YOU ARE THE CHUZEN ONE!"

Typo fully intended.

Bah, hang it all.

Lost Without You by Delta Goodrem

I know I can be a little stubborn sometimes (I say)
A little righteous and too proud
I just wanna find a way to compromise
Cause I believe we can work things out

I thought that I had all the answers
never givin in
but baby since you've gone
I admit I was wrong

All I know is I'm lost without you
I'm not gonna lie
how am I gonna be strong without you
I need you by my side
if we ever say we'd never be together
in the end you wave goodbye
dunno what I'd do
im lost without you

I keep trying to find my way
and all I know is im lost without you
I keep trying to face the day
I'm lost without you

How am I ever gonna get rid of these blurs
baby I'm so lonely all the time
everywhere I go I get so confused
your the only thing thats on my mind

On my bed so cold at night
I miss you more each day
only you can make it right
no I'm not too proud to say

All I know is I'm lost without you
I'm not gonna lie
how am I gonna be strong without you
I need you by my side
if we ever say we'd never be together
in the end you wave goodbye
dunno what I'd do
I'm lost without you

I keep trying to find my way
and all I know is I'm lost without you
I keep trying to face the day
I'm lost without you

If I could only hold you now
make the pain just go away
can't stop the tears from running down my face (ho)

All I know is I'm lost without you
I'm not gonna lie
how am I gonna be strong without you
I need you by my side
if we ever say we'd never be together
in the end you wave goodbye
dunno what I'd do
I'm lost without you

I keep trying to find my way
and all I know is im lost without you
I keep trying to face the day
an all I know is
I'm lost without your love
I keep trying to find my way
and all I know is
I'm lost without you (oh)
I'm lost without you
=================================================================================

Somehow, exceedingly appropriate. Call it my 2nd theme. Although I bet that Innocent Eyes actually speak more about me than this song. This one, just oddly appropriate.

Thankfully, only Kanai and Chengwei know what I mean. And as for the song Innocent Eyes, well, it's like me. Just like me.

Here's a few lines that really got to me though.

Do you remember when you were 15?
And the kids at school called you a fool cos you took the chance to dream

Well that brings back memories.

I miss those days and I miss those ways
When I got lost in fantasies
In a cartoon land of mysteries
In a place you won’t grow old in a place you won’t feel cold

Perhaps that's how I really feel.

For the little girl inside who won’t just hide
Don’t let me see mistakes and lies
Let me keep my faith and innocent eyes
My innocent eyes

That "little girl inside" really struck a nerve, I tell you.

Seems I’m lost in my reflection

Isn't that right?

Another song I like is Predictable. And yeah, I did buy the album. It was on sale, so why not?

The other tracks were average. I haven't really warmed to them, probably need a few more spins to get used to them.

Ahhhh. Of all songs to come on, that silly insert song from Jubei-chan 2 shows up. The song that always makes me feel like bawling. Ahhhh. Lol.

*clicks Next* Because I know better than to tempt fate that way.

Ok, so Yuna Ito's I'm Free is technically a better choice. It is upbeat after all, and konks said that I should try to keep myself happy by listening to upbeat songs. Lol.

Ok, gotta go now. Want some alone time.

Come to think of it, no matter how many people I'm surrounded with, I'm almost always inevitably alone.

Is that how you felt too? My beautiful, untouchable Kurenai. Same too, to the Beautiful Leopard. Is that how both of you felt? Because, truth is, both of you are deathly afraid, are you not? You lost your innocence, and are afraid of tainting the ones you love, so you shut yourself away, a beautiful princess in a high tower. How well I understand then! Or not. I am but a poor imitation, is all.

But I, too, understand what it feels like to be tainted. To sink deeply into forbidden depths. Oh Shizuru, did you weep within when you plunged into forbidden waters, only to be cruelly shunned afterwards? That sin, even if never realised in reality, weighed heavily on your mind, did it not? You feared so deeply of rejection, as did the Panther herself. Yet you both walked on, kept going, a pillar of strength in both your own rights.

No matter how you fell, collapsed, withered, after it was all over, you picked yourself up again and kept going. And that is what I love of you both.

Strong, yet so very fragile. Unwavering, yet so easily crumbled. Capable, yet in the end defeated by yourselves. Isn't that the truth?

We all have our little sins, I said to Kanai once.

And perhaps, that is all I have to say, im the end, when the recriminations come.

No more excuses.