Sunday, June 13, 2004
Song Playing: Spark
^Like I said, I'm never gonna change it. :P
Spark's really growing on me! It sounds so poignant somehow. Really strikes a chord in me.
Anyway, I'm in a crisis right now. WRITER'S BLOCK IS EVIL!!
Ugh, you have NO IDEA how painful it is for me to just sit there unable to produce anything worthy to read. I feel horrible. It feels like I'm totally empty. I feel like crying, since without the ability to write, I'm nothing, worse than nothing. I'm not worth anything without my skill in writing.
This is bad. It hurts my self-esteem. And not being able to write, I'm disappointing my readers. That sucks. It's bad to endure my own pain, but to bear the pain of others...
It's more than I can bear. I'm gonna work on my story tommorrow, when I'm at school. I'll make sure it comes back to me, the inspiration. Even if it kills me. I won't ever give up. This is all I have, all I have worth saving. To lose it would be to lose the last spark in my life. I would nothing but an empty husk, devoid of anything remotely interesting. A mechanical robot. A blinkered horse, tied up and driven like cattle.
If only...if only I had someone to comfort me, to tell me that everything's alright. If only there was someone to tell me that they cared, that someone still loved me. That I wasn't alone. That someone knew I hurt.
I hear voices. Sometimes it's just one, sometimes it's the many. Those voices...the hurt me, but yet they are my only friend. At least I know that...they care. In some perverted way, they care. Even though they wound me with their cruel taunts, they still care.
It's odd. Even when some people tell me they care, I don't believe them. Why should I? They have given me no reason to do so. My own father, I don't even trust him. Money given to him is money lost forever. My granny? Nice to know she cares sometimes, but most of the time she spends her time criticising my dad. She has her point of course, but still, I cared for my dad, no matter how horrible he was.
It will never be alright. I'll never be alright. Sometimes all I want to do is cry, to scream. Maybe to even hurt someone else. Like physically. I'm poison.
I want to hurt them. To let my pain all out. Why can't I just ignore the pain? I already do most of the time. But sometimes...sometimes it bubbles back up.
Maybe...maybe that thing was right. When it said that I make my own pain to unleash upon others. It's right, I'm selfish. I only care about myself, my own pain, with no concern about how others feel. I block them all out, even those who really want to help.
Why? Because I'm afraid. Afraid that they would hurt me. Afraid that they would leave again, when I needed them most. I can't take that chance anymore. I can't afford to anymore. Selfish? I rather be that than to hurt myself anymore than I already have.
But I...how long can I continue like this? To live at the extremes. To be on an euphoric high one moment, then be sunk in the mires of deepest despair the next. I can't take it. I can't take it anymore. It's breaking me up.
I have no idea who I am, what I'm supposed to be anymore. I DON'T WANT to be the top student in school. I DON'T WANT TO BE SOME TOP SCHOLAR OR ANYTHING! I WANT...I...dunno what I want...
Fool...I'm such a fool...living in my own dreams...an impossible dream.
Mine's a peculiar case of identity crisis. On one hand, I want to be the model student, the best in everything, to get a good job when I grow up, to live the rest of my life well and diligently. But, I know, I'll never be happy like that.
I want more. I want to do what I want. I want to be free. I want to...never mind. It doesn't matter what I want. It never matters what I want. The only things that matter is what other people want me to do. What they expect of me. I don't matter. I only exist the way they see me. Isn't that always the case?
What I need is not what I want, what I want is not what I can have, what I can have sucks to the deepest fucking hell. That's my life. Happy isn't it?
Listening to Spark right now. It's making things better and worse at the same time. The good, BoA's voice is comforting. The bad, the part where it goes "It's alright~", really hurts. If only someone can say that and really mean it. And the part where it goes "I will do, anything for you", is not helping. Like I will ever hear someone say that to me. No one loves me, cuz I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to be loved, since I'm just scum. I'm riff-raff, a broken toy at best. No one cares, cos I'm not worth caring about. Who cares about some kid with issues? They've all got their own lives. I'm not worth it. Not worth their time.
Ain't that the truth in life?
]
^Like I said, I'm never gonna change it. :P
Spark's really growing on me! It sounds so poignant somehow. Really strikes a chord in me.
Anyway, I'm in a crisis right now. WRITER'S BLOCK IS EVIL!!
Ugh, you have NO IDEA how painful it is for me to just sit there unable to produce anything worthy to read. I feel horrible. It feels like I'm totally empty. I feel like crying, since without the ability to write, I'm nothing, worse than nothing. I'm not worth anything without my skill in writing.
This is bad. It hurts my self-esteem. And not being able to write, I'm disappointing my readers. That sucks. It's bad to endure my own pain, but to bear the pain of others...
It's more than I can bear. I'm gonna work on my story tommorrow, when I'm at school. I'll make sure it comes back to me, the inspiration. Even if it kills me. I won't ever give up. This is all I have, all I have worth saving. To lose it would be to lose the last spark in my life. I would nothing but an empty husk, devoid of anything remotely interesting. A mechanical robot. A blinkered horse, tied up and driven like cattle.
If only...if only I had someone to comfort me, to tell me that everything's alright. If only there was someone to tell me that they cared, that someone still loved me. That I wasn't alone. That someone knew I hurt.
I hear voices. Sometimes it's just one, sometimes it's the many. Those voices...the hurt me, but yet they are my only friend. At least I know that...they care. In some perverted way, they care. Even though they wound me with their cruel taunts, they still care.
It's odd. Even when some people tell me they care, I don't believe them. Why should I? They have given me no reason to do so. My own father, I don't even trust him. Money given to him is money lost forever. My granny? Nice to know she cares sometimes, but most of the time she spends her time criticising my dad. She has her point of course, but still, I cared for my dad, no matter how horrible he was.
It will never be alright. I'll never be alright. Sometimes all I want to do is cry, to scream. Maybe to even hurt someone else. Like physically. I'm poison.
I want to hurt them. To let my pain all out. Why can't I just ignore the pain? I already do most of the time. But sometimes...sometimes it bubbles back up.
Maybe...maybe that thing was right. When it said that I make my own pain to unleash upon others. It's right, I'm selfish. I only care about myself, my own pain, with no concern about how others feel. I block them all out, even those who really want to help.
Why? Because I'm afraid. Afraid that they would hurt me. Afraid that they would leave again, when I needed them most. I can't take that chance anymore. I can't afford to anymore. Selfish? I rather be that than to hurt myself anymore than I already have.
But I...how long can I continue like this? To live at the extremes. To be on an euphoric high one moment, then be sunk in the mires of deepest despair the next. I can't take it. I can't take it anymore. It's breaking me up.
I have no idea who I am, what I'm supposed to be anymore. I DON'T WANT to be the top student in school. I DON'T WANT TO BE SOME TOP SCHOLAR OR ANYTHING! I WANT...I...dunno what I want...
Fool...I'm such a fool...living in my own dreams...an impossible dream.
Mine's a peculiar case of identity crisis. On one hand, I want to be the model student, the best in everything, to get a good job when I grow up, to live the rest of my life well and diligently. But, I know, I'll never be happy like that.
I want more. I want to do what I want. I want to be free. I want to...never mind. It doesn't matter what I want. It never matters what I want. The only things that matter is what other people want me to do. What they expect of me. I don't matter. I only exist the way they see me. Isn't that always the case?
What I need is not what I want, what I want is not what I can have, what I can have sucks to the deepest fucking hell. That's my life. Happy isn't it?
Listening to Spark right now. It's making things better and worse at the same time. The good, BoA's voice is comforting. The bad, the part where it goes "It's alright~", really hurts. If only someone can say that and really mean it. And the part where it goes "I will do, anything for you", is not helping. Like I will ever hear someone say that to me. No one loves me, cuz I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to be loved, since I'm just scum. I'm riff-raff, a broken toy at best. No one cares, cos I'm not worth caring about. Who cares about some kid with issues? They've all got their own lives. I'm not worth it. Not worth their time.
Ain't that the truth in life?
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