Aeternus, Eternus

Reaching out beyond the sky, is there a way to express that?

Quoted that from Bahamut Lagoon. Yoyo said it. You know, that indecisive princess of Kahna. *rolls eyes*

For a indecisive triple-timer, she's certainly quote-worthy. Lol. You must gather that I don't really like her. If you didn't figure that out, then this way please. *points to the door*

Hah. I'm feeling slightly bitchy. No it's not the time of the month. It's just me. Lol.

I'm just in one of my moods again. The contemplative, what-is-the-meaning-of-life mood. Ya, the one where I'm pretty much a useless freak. Go me.

Just wondered about something. Would it change things if I suddenly changed my attitude towards others in school? Right now, I don't talk to anyone in my class except for Qian Ling and Dawn. I mean, I just have nothing interesting to say to the rest of them, and what they say either 1) doesn't interest me, 2) doesn't involve me, or 3) I just get shut out. Lol. Must be cos I always act tongue-tied and stutter whenever called upon. Geez.

Although I showed a rare flash of the online me at the last chem extra lesson. You know, the whole incident where I commented that I was getting old cos of my persistent backache, and Mr Wong walked by at that moment. Heng Lian took the opportunity to say "If you're old, then what about Mr Wong?" And I, without even thinking about it, just replied offhandedly with a "Oh, then he's ancient." LMAO!!

I guess everyone nearby got a good laugh. Even Mr Wong. I was absolutely shocked that I actually said it though. I mean, it's kinda OOC for the in-school me. Hui Min DOES NOT crack irreverent jokes, cos I'm too stiff and blah. I'm sure that's how some people see me. If only they knew. Lol.

Anyway, I was thinking of trying to loosen up a bit. After all, if I can do it online, it means that I have the humor in me. All I need is the courage and the confidence to pull it off in real life. Although if I do manage it, some people who used to see me as a stiff, unapproachable person are in for a large shock. Actually now that I think of it, it sounds fairly attractive. Hehe. I mentioned to Yunie that I enjoyed surprising people. I guess it's just the innate prankster working up again. Get down, Sephi. Lol!

O__o I got another cut on my leg? How the heck? Geez. First that mysterious cut that suddenly appeared on my upper right arm without my noticing, then this. Lol. I'm so accident-prone.

But first, I have to address my self-esteem issue, as well as the confidence thing. I CAN do it. I must do it. I should try to be less reserved. After all this is my last year in Queensway Secondary School, time to cut loose and have fun! Estrea and Sephi are going to love this. Lol. Sephi for the mad-scientist/prankster side, Estrea for the witty sarcasm and biting humor. Sorry Elena, you're too nice to come out and play. Just sit, back, relax, and have a good laugh. Haha.

It's one thing for idle speculation here, it's another to enact it in real life. Must think of BoA! You know, her My Name mv. Just thinking of her sexy new image makes my eyes light up. I can only hope that the temporary confidence boost it provides will be enough. Lolz.

I think I'm too much like Truce in Bahamut Lagoon. I think too much. I should add a bit of Rush into me. Just stop thinking and do it lol. To hell with consideration and political correctness, time for some good old-fashioned fun!

I'll try not to forget this little pep talk I'm giving myself. I hope I don't shock too many people if I really do succeed though. Yunie said that she was "shocked" that people didn't like me very much in real life. I told her, the real life me is less fun than the online me. Besides, people deserve to hate me. I get away with too many things lol.

Ya know what, I wish those people who really don't like me just come out and TELL me instead of bitching about it behind my back. I KNOW that I'm wrong, but I don't giving a flying fuck about it anyway. But I'm getting sick and tired of just knowing that these people bitch about me behind my back. I've got insider info lol.

Besides, if they would just TELL me, it would be a load off their chests. Believe me, I know how it is to keep your distaste for someone inside. So, why not just unleash it on good old me? I know you wanna.

Besides, since I know that there's more than one person that hates me, they can ALL come at once and tick me off. Insult me. Yell at me. Heck, scream profanities if you have to. Just get it out into the open, and you'll feel better. Don't mind my feelings, they don't matter. 'Sides, I am still trying to kill off what's left of my conscience and all the other goody-goody sides of me. This would be a good opportunity.

Hey Chengwei, I know that you're well connected with people. Think you could tell them what I just said? Tell them its ok if they want to tell me how horrible I am. I need that affirmation. Then I can say, yes, I've succeeded. I'm no longer who I used to be.

Besides, I want to test out just how long-tempered I am. Would I swallow it down the way I always do when my dad screams at me? Or would I snap back? It's an experiment of sorts. I'm trying to find out just WHAT would make me really cross the line. To see just what would be the trigger.

So, just once, humor me. Oblige my little request. Tell those people who dislike me that they are free to confront me with their grievances. I want to see if I can just sit there calmly and sip tea, or if I would break down and cry or something. If I do break down, I guess I haven't done a good enough job of hardening myself.

Or there's that elusive 3rd option. I could finally break free and start talking properly without stuttering. To be able to speak with confidence, that is my dream. One of them, anyway.

Yes I know, it's an extreme way to do things, but that's me. All or nothing. Live life on the edge, or it's not worth living at all. So please, help me, just this once. Tell those people, come and get me. I'm ready, and waiting.

Just so much more...just that gap...how long will it take for me to cross it? No, I'm not contemplating suicide. So don't worry on that score. I may be foolish, but I'm not THAT dumb.

I've never really exploded before. Wonder how it would be like. Quite looking forward to it actually. To be this calm, even when I'm upset, is unnerving. Yes, sometimes I rant, rave, and swear. But I have always kept it inside me. I don't actually yell or scream it out loud in real life. Even on the few times where I decide to answer my dad in his scream sessions at me, my voice is unnaturally controlled and low. I don't actually lose control of the emotions my voice projects. It at most sounds strained, but on the whole its coolly rational and tightly reined in.

So I haven't actually "lost it" and started yelling uncontrollably. I've broken down crying before, but never let loose in anger before. I wonder when?

So yeah, I sincerely hope you take my request seriously, and inform the parties involved. No, I'm not going to use them to vent or anything. It's just a test, a test for my self-control. I want to see to what extent of hate-filled diatribes I can take without finally seeing red. If I do, I apologise in advance for anything I might do. Don't worry, I'm not gonna hurt anyone. I'll probably break a few things, say a few lines, and then walk off. At least that's what I think I'll do. I have no idea what will actually happen, but rest assured nothing too serious will occur. At least not on the physical side.

If I succeed in not losing my temper or crying, then I will have taken yet another step in reinventing myself. Remaking myself in the image that I have painstakingly created in my demented mind.

Don't worry, I won't do anything stupid. I just, remembered something. There can be no pleasure without pain So it says in this fic by Daneel Rush. And it's true. The hero in the story chose to endure the pain however, so that he can attain pleasure. But I'm afraid I'll have to rewrite that storyline in my case.

But enough of my ravings. Time for concise terms.

ONE: I am PERFECTLY serious about my request, Chengwei. So think about it.
TWO: I am NOT mad. Just morbid.
THREE: I am NOT suicidal. Possibly homicidal, but that's beside the point.
FOUR: I complain a lot, but it's only cos I don't do it in real life.
FIVE: I've had ENOUGH of people stepping around me and not telling me how they really feel, so speak up already and throw my feelings aside.

There. That felt good. I chickened out on that highly offensive letter to Miss Soon, so I guess this time I won't do it again. I need to get it out of my system anyway. Otherwise it will be yet another never-to-be-done thing on my list.

Yes. I, hereby announce that I am of perfectly sound mind. I am not under the influence of anything, and the decisions I have made and things I have said are of my own accord and not made under duress. I also declare that there is no falsity in what I have put down here in this post, and that all of it came directly from my thoughts. This is the truth. This is what I feel. This is what I think. This...this is a request from an adolescent in need of help. Please comply with my simple request. I need it.