Saturday, June 26, 2004
I'm in a darkly humorous mood again.
Yes, one of THOSE. No, I'm not PMSing. It's just a little too convenient to blame it on the hormones sometimes...
I won't say I was depressed. Or restless. Just a kind of unruffled calm. And emptiness. And of course, that insufferable smirk that seemed somehow pasted onto my face. I have no idea how it got there.
Well, actually, maybe I do. I was reading a fic. A Harry Potter fic. One of those what-if-Harry-had-been-friends-with-Draco-from-the-start kind. Turns out he becomes a smarmy bastard. Oh well. Life's more interesting with the bad boys.
But anyway, the fic made me cry. Damn hormones! Ok, lapse again. I have to stop blaming my hormones for everything.
But I digress. It's just that I could understand the darker sides of the emotions portrayed in there. I stand impressed at the skill of the author. It's one of the reasons why I still think my writing is "not quite there". My writing still seems too immature somehow. Evidently, the author side of me is still stuck in infancy. What a chore.
But back to the point. I knew how it felt like to have to hide behind a mask. To try and protect that fragile side at all costs. Heck, Harry (the tormented guy here) even has the same kind of little voices I have. The ones that purr "You're weak...so weak..." and also "Love is for fools...stop wasting your time!" and my personal favorite "She's just using you...they're all out to hurt you...they never cared...". I'm sure you get my point.
It still sends a chill up my spine to read the same thoughts in the fic. Especially the one that goes "Weak...". I could almost hear my own voices mockingly echo it. As if I needed any reminding.
The pain. I could feel the pain of the characters. That was why I admired the author. To be able to draw your audience into the story, to make them weep and laugh along with your characters, that is one of the highest levels attainable in writing. I sometimes am able to touch that level, albeit at a lower standard. Kanaii said that my poems were intense. My readers said that my description of the violent fight scenes had them gasping in pain whenever a new wound was opened. But this is all too superficial. I can't convey that deeper level of emotions yet. At least not consistently. It's one of my greater failings.
Speaking of poems, I was inspired to create one on my own. Yeah it's been a long time since I was inspired enough to come up with anything at all. I was wondering if I had lost it. The poetic touch I mean, not my mind. I already lost that a long time ago. :P
Welps, anyway, here's the poem.
Poison
They called me fire, a dangerous flame to fool with.
They said I was evil, twisted creation of a vile mind
They branded me a failure, for what I failed to do
They called me worthless, a spineless weakling
I was all that, and more
I was poison, I hurt all I touched
Tainted and smeared, shade of the past
Poison corrupts...don't you know?
I felt the first searing touch of flame in a dream
Horrors beyond imagination lurked in the abyss of my mind
Endless howling shrieks echo despairingly at the edges of my awareness
And laughter, mocking and taunting, hissing at me
I felt the first icy touch of frost in the dark
Brittle and cold, a rude shock to my sensibilities
So fragile, yet so harsh
And the eternal winter descended, encasing me in a loveless embrace
I tasted the bitterness of hate and pain, of regret and fear
How it consumed me in the very vileness of it!
And yet I willingly thirst for more
Eager it seems, to drown in sin of the darkest kind
I fled from the light, right into the bowels of darkness
I was afeared, for Light was hypocritical
But Dark, in its unchanging solitude, changed not
Perhaps I was just a coward, afraid of change
All I had even known, since my descend into the darkness
Was the cleansing flame of Pain
The bitter cold that was Regret
And the fleeting shadows that was Fear
But perhaps, greatest of all was Hate
The perfect solitude that it personified
The utter emptiness it possessed at its best
Hate was the Poison that coursed through my very veins
I am Poison, and always will be
Touch me not, lest ye be burnt
Keep away, lest ye be struck down by the deadly plague
I am Poison…and thou wouldst do well to know that
----------------------------------------------------------
Interesting wouldn't you say? I can't seem to write anything happy. Kanaii had the same problem I recall. We even co-wrote a suicidal poem. Well it didn't start out suicidal. It just sort of meandered its way down to that theme. And contrary to popular belief, I wasn't the one who suggested that "Why don't we just kill our character off?". Yeah I know, lol. Kanaii is really a very complex person.
I like her though. She saw through my hyper bubbly mask, even though all our contact is restricted to MSN. She knew I was hiding something behind a mask. She was right. And all that just through the first few times we chatted. That kinda scares me...am I that obvious? Or is it just because Kanaii and I are just birds of the same feather? I like to think that it's the latter, for obvious reasons.
I had always hit it off well with her. I never regretted adding her to my list of contacts. She was easily the most vivacious and interesting chat buddy I've had. And understanding too. She understood my pain--we've had similar experiences. I understood her too, so I guess we just drew on that. It's nice to have people who know what you are going through, since we didn't have to do any awkward explanations. We just knew. We had an understanding, so to speak.
And I'm getting all sentimental-like again. All weak and mushy. *laughs ironically* Of course I would say that. It wouldn't be me if I didn't mention that. I despised weakness, of any kind. It sure explains why I sometimes held a deep contempt for myself. I think I take myself a little too seriously sometimes. Oh well we all have our faults. I guess I just can't let go of my oversized ego and preconceptions. Lolz.
I have this freaky smirk on my face now. I guess I completely forgot to explain how I got it. I guess it's an extension of reading about how Harry smirks too. I would make a good Slytherin, of that I'm sure. I have the fire within me, the drive to succeed at ALL COSTS. No care for the consequences. It's a surprise that I've held myself back like a good girl for so long. Guess it's the lack of opportunity, and I'm just plain scared to do anything anyway. I'm a coward remember? Too bad I'm in bad company. Bad as in there's no one quite like me, quite like the coward I am. They're so fucking happy. I wish them the best though. Happiness, true happiness, is probably the most precious commodity in life. We have to pay for it with pain and other assorted inconveniences, but I guess it's worth the price. For me though, I'm just waiting. Just like Kanaii. Waiting.
Well I'll just sit here, wide awake despite it being almost 1am in the morning. Maybe I'll find reason enough to sleep...maybe.
]
Yes, one of THOSE. No, I'm not PMSing. It's just a little too convenient to blame it on the hormones sometimes...
I won't say I was depressed. Or restless. Just a kind of unruffled calm. And emptiness. And of course, that insufferable smirk that seemed somehow pasted onto my face. I have no idea how it got there.
Well, actually, maybe I do. I was reading a fic. A Harry Potter fic. One of those what-if-Harry-had-been-friends-with-Draco-from-the-start kind. Turns out he becomes a smarmy bastard. Oh well. Life's more interesting with the bad boys.
But anyway, the fic made me cry. Damn hormones! Ok, lapse again. I have to stop blaming my hormones for everything.
But I digress. It's just that I could understand the darker sides of the emotions portrayed in there. I stand impressed at the skill of the author. It's one of the reasons why I still think my writing is "not quite there". My writing still seems too immature somehow. Evidently, the author side of me is still stuck in infancy. What a chore.
But back to the point. I knew how it felt like to have to hide behind a mask. To try and protect that fragile side at all costs. Heck, Harry (the tormented guy here) even has the same kind of little voices I have. The ones that purr "You're weak...so weak..." and also "Love is for fools...stop wasting your time!" and my personal favorite "She's just using you...they're all out to hurt you...they never cared...". I'm sure you get my point.
It still sends a chill up my spine to read the same thoughts in the fic. Especially the one that goes "Weak...". I could almost hear my own voices mockingly echo it. As if I needed any reminding.
The pain. I could feel the pain of the characters. That was why I admired the author. To be able to draw your audience into the story, to make them weep and laugh along with your characters, that is one of the highest levels attainable in writing. I sometimes am able to touch that level, albeit at a lower standard. Kanaii said that my poems were intense. My readers said that my description of the violent fight scenes had them gasping in pain whenever a new wound was opened. But this is all too superficial. I can't convey that deeper level of emotions yet. At least not consistently. It's one of my greater failings.
Speaking of poems, I was inspired to create one on my own. Yeah it's been a long time since I was inspired enough to come up with anything at all. I was wondering if I had lost it. The poetic touch I mean, not my mind. I already lost that a long time ago. :P
Welps, anyway, here's the poem.
Poison
They called me fire, a dangerous flame to fool with.
They said I was evil, twisted creation of a vile mind
They branded me a failure, for what I failed to do
They called me worthless, a spineless weakling
I was all that, and more
I was poison, I hurt all I touched
Tainted and smeared, shade of the past
Poison corrupts...don't you know?
I felt the first searing touch of flame in a dream
Horrors beyond imagination lurked in the abyss of my mind
Endless howling shrieks echo despairingly at the edges of my awareness
And laughter, mocking and taunting, hissing at me
I felt the first icy touch of frost in the dark
Brittle and cold, a rude shock to my sensibilities
So fragile, yet so harsh
And the eternal winter descended, encasing me in a loveless embrace
I tasted the bitterness of hate and pain, of regret and fear
How it consumed me in the very vileness of it!
And yet I willingly thirst for more
Eager it seems, to drown in sin of the darkest kind
I fled from the light, right into the bowels of darkness
I was afeared, for Light was hypocritical
But Dark, in its unchanging solitude, changed not
Perhaps I was just a coward, afraid of change
All I had even known, since my descend into the darkness
Was the cleansing flame of Pain
The bitter cold that was Regret
And the fleeting shadows that was Fear
But perhaps, greatest of all was Hate
The perfect solitude that it personified
The utter emptiness it possessed at its best
Hate was the Poison that coursed through my very veins
I am Poison, and always will be
Touch me not, lest ye be burnt
Keep away, lest ye be struck down by the deadly plague
I am Poison…and thou wouldst do well to know that
----------------------------------------------------------
Interesting wouldn't you say? I can't seem to write anything happy. Kanaii had the same problem I recall. We even co-wrote a suicidal poem. Well it didn't start out suicidal. It just sort of meandered its way down to that theme. And contrary to popular belief, I wasn't the one who suggested that "Why don't we just kill our character off?". Yeah I know, lol. Kanaii is really a very complex person.
I like her though. She saw through my hyper bubbly mask, even though all our contact is restricted to MSN. She knew I was hiding something behind a mask. She was right. And all that just through the first few times we chatted. That kinda scares me...am I that obvious? Or is it just because Kanaii and I are just birds of the same feather? I like to think that it's the latter, for obvious reasons.
I had always hit it off well with her. I never regretted adding her to my list of contacts. She was easily the most vivacious and interesting chat buddy I've had. And understanding too. She understood my pain--we've had similar experiences. I understood her too, so I guess we just drew on that. It's nice to have people who know what you are going through, since we didn't have to do any awkward explanations. We just knew. We had an understanding, so to speak.
And I'm getting all sentimental-like again. All weak and mushy. *laughs ironically* Of course I would say that. It wouldn't be me if I didn't mention that. I despised weakness, of any kind. It sure explains why I sometimes held a deep contempt for myself. I think I take myself a little too seriously sometimes. Oh well we all have our faults. I guess I just can't let go of my oversized ego and preconceptions. Lolz.
I have this freaky smirk on my face now. I guess I completely forgot to explain how I got it. I guess it's an extension of reading about how Harry smirks too. I would make a good Slytherin, of that I'm sure. I have the fire within me, the drive to succeed at ALL COSTS. No care for the consequences. It's a surprise that I've held myself back like a good girl for so long. Guess it's the lack of opportunity, and I'm just plain scared to do anything anyway. I'm a coward remember? Too bad I'm in bad company. Bad as in there's no one quite like me, quite like the coward I am. They're so fucking happy. I wish them the best though. Happiness, true happiness, is probably the most precious commodity in life. We have to pay for it with pain and other assorted inconveniences, but I guess it's worth the price. For me though, I'm just waiting. Just like Kanaii. Waiting.
Well I'll just sit here, wide awake despite it being almost 1am in the morning. Maybe I'll find reason enough to sleep...maybe.
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