Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Fuck.
Yes you didn't see wrong, I did start my post with a swear word. I'll even say it again.
Fuck.
I just picked up the phone. Twice. And the moment I heard, "You have an overseas call coming through", I slammed the phone down.
I hate my dad.
What has my dad got to do with two overseas phone calls? Simple, I just know that the calls are for him. Now I know why he has trouble paying the bills. He's been wasting money on the phone bills talking to some bitch that he met somewhere. Yeah I know, extreme words, but you haven't seen the words flying through my head. Trust me, I reserve the worst for my own head. I won't say those out loud, because it wouldn't make a difference what I say anyway. My dad will probably go "You don't understand me!!" and start ranting and raving about how terrible his life is and how lonely and pressurised he was. Geez.
I'm tired of being called "just a kid". My granny uses it on me, my dad uses it on me, my multitude of annoying relatives uses it on me...you get the drift. Maybe I am just a kid. Maybe I'm immature, spoilt, and a selfish bastard. But I'm not blind. And I'm not stupid. I can see with my own two eyes what's going on, I can listen with my ears to fnd out what's happening. I can be called a spoilt, immature brat, but I'm by no means un-informed.
Everyone automatically assumes that I don't know anything. Just because I refuse to do something doesn't mean I don't know how to do it. I just can't be bothered. And yes I'm lazy, I'll admit that. What do those fucking saints know about me? They think they know everything, but do they know what I do, what I think, how I'm like. They don't, because I don't tell them, and they can't be bothered to find out. They can all burn in hell for all I care.
Anyway, I'm getting off topic. Do I sound like a petulant teenager who is shallow, selfish, and self-serving? I probably do. Heck, think what you want of me. I know what I'm like, I don't have to wait for the opinions of people who don't even bother to get to know me. But it's odd right? I mean, a petulant, self-serving teenager wouldn't admit that he/she is one, right? Well, at least I think they wouldn't. They would be too busy caught up in their own grievances to consider it. Lol. So does that make me a brat? To tell the truth, I'm beyond caring. Brat or not, I'm still me. Pshht.
I think I'm totally off-point. Heck, I can't even remember what WAS the point. *scrolls up to check*
Oh yes. The overseas phone calls. Grrr. *resists the urge to go on a swearing spree*
Why am I so upset? Well, I'm upset cos MY DAD is seeing other women, and he ISN'T TELLING ME! Some of you might go, "Well, it's his own personal business, he doesn't have to report everything to you". But look from where I'm coming from. My mom's dead for 5 years, I think if he wants to find someone to replace my mom, I should be awarded the courtesy of actually knowing that he's even looking for someone. It's only polite, and last I checked, I am still his daughter.
But mainly my indignance stems from insecurity, and resentment, that someone is gonna take my dad away from me. It's normal. I AM still a kid, according to diverse sources. As for who the "diverse sources" are, I suppose it's obvious enough if you have been paying attention to what I post. But back to the point, I'm just angry that someone is trying to steal my dad away from me. Just like a kid is angry that someone took their toy. Haha. Strange analogy, but it fits. Hehe.
But also, I'm angry that my dad still hasn't learned from his lesson two years ago, when he was cheated of his money by one of his "girlfriends". Geez. Some casanova he is, if he doesn't even know how to handle women. Fool.
I think if I was he one playing guys, I wouldn't have had a problem. Since I already had experience online. I know, online is different from real life. But at least I know how to reject guys. Geez.
And here's my dad asking me why I look so angry-ish. Hah. He thinks I'm stupid. I am NOT stupid, contrary to popular belief.
*breathes deeply* I'm calm. Must be calm. My dad flared up again when I refused to tell him why I'm angry. But you tell me, how am I going to tell him? I mean, I can't exactly go "Dad, are you seeing someone?". It's a little hard to say, if you understand what I mean.
You know, it's a trait of the slow-witted, or slow of understanding, to be inherently suspicious of something they dun understand. It's the same with my father. Whenever I say something he doesn't understand, he gets all angry and starts yelling cos he thinks I'm saying something bad about him, or keeping something important from him.
There he goes again. He's spouting all sorts of "Oh, it's all my fault!! Oh, no one appreciates me!! Oh, I'm better off dead!!". You know, that speech. Geez. -____-
And all this just because I refuse to tell him why I'm pissed off. You'd think that he would just drop it. Heck, I even told him to just drop it. But no, he just has to go on and on about it.
I know he does that cos he cares. I know he cares, sort of anyway. But when I tell someone to drop something, they had better drop it, since I'm not ready to talk about it, and I hope they can understand that. I tried to explain to my father that "Even if I told you why I'm upset, it wouldn't change anything." But he can't accept it. He DEMANDS to know the whole thing, even though I evidently don't feel like talking about it. Why do I have to have such a demanding and stubborn dad? Oh well, luck of the draw. I ended up with him for a father, so I have to live with it. The divine dice hates me. :P
And now he's walking out of the house. I think it runs in the family. You know, the whole running-away-from-problems deal. I do it, my dad does it. I think I got it from him. Lol.
Well I think that I think too much, and I bottle up too much of my problems and grievances. But who can I tell it to? My dad is out of the question, my granny is too gossipy, my cousin would immediately think that I'm possessed by the devil (lol I know, I'll explain later), I don't want to burden wan jing with my problems (she's too innocent), telling qian ling wouldn't get me anywhere, telling erika is no use, and the rest of my friends probably don't even see that I have problems. Except maybe Chengwei, since he reads this blog. *waves*
Well, time to explain the cousin's reaction. Lol. Well, ya see, she's a staunch Christian. You know, the religious, god-fearing type. And she even thinks Harry Potter is satanic. *cough* Lol. So yeah, if I tell her that I have homicidal thoughts on occasion, and also that I'm agnostic, she will immediately proclaim that I'm possessed by demons. -___-;;; You know those religious types. Sigh.
Oh well, I've had enough of blowing off steam. I'm running out of hot air lol. It's impossible to sustain a white hot anger for very long. But a simmering rage is easy to maintain. I speak from experience. ^__^
Alright, time to check out the Vampyr forums, and also Chengwei's blog. Adios!
]
Yes you didn't see wrong, I did start my post with a swear word. I'll even say it again.
Fuck.
I just picked up the phone. Twice. And the moment I heard, "You have an overseas call coming through", I slammed the phone down.
I hate my dad.
What has my dad got to do with two overseas phone calls? Simple, I just know that the calls are for him. Now I know why he has trouble paying the bills. He's been wasting money on the phone bills talking to some bitch that he met somewhere. Yeah I know, extreme words, but you haven't seen the words flying through my head. Trust me, I reserve the worst for my own head. I won't say those out loud, because it wouldn't make a difference what I say anyway. My dad will probably go "You don't understand me!!" and start ranting and raving about how terrible his life is and how lonely and pressurised he was. Geez.
I'm tired of being called "just a kid". My granny uses it on me, my dad uses it on me, my multitude of annoying relatives uses it on me...you get the drift. Maybe I am just a kid. Maybe I'm immature, spoilt, and a selfish bastard. But I'm not blind. And I'm not stupid. I can see with my own two eyes what's going on, I can listen with my ears to fnd out what's happening. I can be called a spoilt, immature brat, but I'm by no means un-informed.
Everyone automatically assumes that I don't know anything. Just because I refuse to do something doesn't mean I don't know how to do it. I just can't be bothered. And yes I'm lazy, I'll admit that. What do those fucking saints know about me? They think they know everything, but do they know what I do, what I think, how I'm like. They don't, because I don't tell them, and they can't be bothered to find out. They can all burn in hell for all I care.
Anyway, I'm getting off topic. Do I sound like a petulant teenager who is shallow, selfish, and self-serving? I probably do. Heck, think what you want of me. I know what I'm like, I don't have to wait for the opinions of people who don't even bother to get to know me. But it's odd right? I mean, a petulant, self-serving teenager wouldn't admit that he/she is one, right? Well, at least I think they wouldn't. They would be too busy caught up in their own grievances to consider it. Lol. So does that make me a brat? To tell the truth, I'm beyond caring. Brat or not, I'm still me. Pshht.
I think I'm totally off-point. Heck, I can't even remember what WAS the point. *scrolls up to check*
Oh yes. The overseas phone calls. Grrr. *resists the urge to go on a swearing spree*
Why am I so upset? Well, I'm upset cos MY DAD is seeing other women, and he ISN'T TELLING ME! Some of you might go, "Well, it's his own personal business, he doesn't have to report everything to you". But look from where I'm coming from. My mom's dead for 5 years, I think if he wants to find someone to replace my mom, I should be awarded the courtesy of actually knowing that he's even looking for someone. It's only polite, and last I checked, I am still his daughter.
But mainly my indignance stems from insecurity, and resentment, that someone is gonna take my dad away from me. It's normal. I AM still a kid, according to diverse sources. As for who the "diverse sources" are, I suppose it's obvious enough if you have been paying attention to what I post. But back to the point, I'm just angry that someone is trying to steal my dad away from me. Just like a kid is angry that someone took their toy. Haha. Strange analogy, but it fits. Hehe.
But also, I'm angry that my dad still hasn't learned from his lesson two years ago, when he was cheated of his money by one of his "girlfriends". Geez. Some casanova he is, if he doesn't even know how to handle women. Fool.
I think if I was he one playing guys, I wouldn't have had a problem. Since I already had experience online. I know, online is different from real life. But at least I know how to reject guys. Geez.
And here's my dad asking me why I look so angry-ish. Hah. He thinks I'm stupid. I am NOT stupid, contrary to popular belief.
*breathes deeply* I'm calm. Must be calm. My dad flared up again when I refused to tell him why I'm angry. But you tell me, how am I going to tell him? I mean, I can't exactly go "Dad, are you seeing someone?". It's a little hard to say, if you understand what I mean.
You know, it's a trait of the slow-witted, or slow of understanding, to be inherently suspicious of something they dun understand. It's the same with my father. Whenever I say something he doesn't understand, he gets all angry and starts yelling cos he thinks I'm saying something bad about him, or keeping something important from him.
There he goes again. He's spouting all sorts of "Oh, it's all my fault!! Oh, no one appreciates me!! Oh, I'm better off dead!!". You know, that speech. Geez. -____-
And all this just because I refuse to tell him why I'm pissed off. You'd think that he would just drop it. Heck, I even told him to just drop it. But no, he just has to go on and on about it.
I know he does that cos he cares. I know he cares, sort of anyway. But when I tell someone to drop something, they had better drop it, since I'm not ready to talk about it, and I hope they can understand that. I tried to explain to my father that "Even if I told you why I'm upset, it wouldn't change anything." But he can't accept it. He DEMANDS to know the whole thing, even though I evidently don't feel like talking about it. Why do I have to have such a demanding and stubborn dad? Oh well, luck of the draw. I ended up with him for a father, so I have to live with it. The divine dice hates me. :P
And now he's walking out of the house. I think it runs in the family. You know, the whole running-away-from-problems deal. I do it, my dad does it. I think I got it from him. Lol.
Well I think that I think too much, and I bottle up too much of my problems and grievances. But who can I tell it to? My dad is out of the question, my granny is too gossipy, my cousin would immediately think that I'm possessed by the devil (lol I know, I'll explain later), I don't want to burden wan jing with my problems (she's too innocent), telling qian ling wouldn't get me anywhere, telling erika is no use, and the rest of my friends probably don't even see that I have problems. Except maybe Chengwei, since he reads this blog. *waves*
Well, time to explain the cousin's reaction. Lol. Well, ya see, she's a staunch Christian. You know, the religious, god-fearing type. And she even thinks Harry Potter is satanic. *cough* Lol. So yeah, if I tell her that I have homicidal thoughts on occasion, and also that I'm agnostic, she will immediately proclaim that I'm possessed by demons. -___-;;; You know those religious types. Sigh.
Oh well, I've had enough of blowing off steam. I'm running out of hot air lol. It's impossible to sustain a white hot anger for very long. But a simmering rage is easy to maintain. I speak from experience. ^__^
Alright, time to check out the Vampyr forums, and also Chengwei's blog. Adios!
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