Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Cheerios.
Just randomly felt like saying it.
I have been blogging a lot lately haven't I? It's a useful form of expression.
And an opportunity to explore my psyche...however twistedly amusing it is.
I just realised how much Hyori's 2nd album is growing on me. The woman has ridiculously catchy songs. That and the fact that her voice, in addition to the nature of her songs, appeal a lot to the darkly dangerous side of me.
No, most people don't see that side of me. Not even close friends. They see the dark DARK side of me yes, you know, all morbid and everything. But not the other facet of the dark personality. That one is strictly private.
Actually Chaos seems to be the male manifestation of that side, although somewhat toned down here for public consumption. You don't really want to know what goes on inside my head after hours.
And if you really have to know, that part of my personality IS the one that pervs over other girls mostly. I just realised that I haven't named that section of me. I mean, I have plenty of names for each side of me.
To refresh the memory, here goes.
Elena was the first. She's generally quite nice, a quaint sense of humor, but too nice to come out and play---mostly because the later personalities tend to shut her in a tiny cell so that she doesn't interfere with the fun.
Sephi came next. She's absolutely bonkers. Extremely hyper. She's the one who ended up earning me the 'pogo stick' nickname. Don't ask. Just know that it involved medical instruments, a twisted lab setting, and copious amounts of bodily fluids. Not to mention all the unusual specimens. And the subsequent rollicking over hilly pastures. Yeah I know it doesn't really make sense. But then again, you almost had to be there to understand what the whole sequence of events meant.
But Sephi is mostly relegated to the sidelines now. I don't have that kind of energy to sustain that level of hyperness anymore. I must be getting old.
Estrea, the current dominant persona, came to being some time after. If I had to pinpoint an exact time frame, probably around late 2003-early 2004. She's the most complex of my personas, probably because there's more than 1 Estrea floating around. Let me explain.
The standard Estrea is serious but witty when necessary. Helpful, but doesn't always come across as such. Stickler to the rules...most of the time. Breaks them when necessary. Fun to be around if you can match up to her high standards...if you don't, then well, that's just too bad.
Here's where it starts getting wormy though. The "old model" of Estrea, which is the first version, has the added feature of being absolutely evil to guys in particular. Torments other people with relish, and does it with an easy flair to boot. Not to mention the all-out battles with the kid brother. Now that was fun.
The revised version of Estrea kinda stripped away the all-out evil mode. Now the evil is largely restricted to sly jabs and taunts, basically a verbal evisceration as opposed to actual evisceration. New Estrea is more sedate than the old version, probably because of the energy factor. It's a little hard to be evil, cause it really drains your energy after a while. Trust me, I know these things.
Oh then there's kid Estrea, where she gets chibified...personality-wise. Becomes all childish and would tug pleadingly at mommy's sleeve asking for hugs. Yeah I know. But childishness does not equate immaturity though. Kid Esty knows about real life, but want to indulge in childish pleasures to act as an escape from reality for at least a while. I liked being kid Esty, it was fun.
Well and there's Chaos, more or less the opposing force, being male and all. Conversations between him and the rest can verge on NC-17 sometimes, although Elena protests at such talk. Which promptly gets her sent into a corner with her mouth taped shut. Poor 'lena. Kid Esty doesn't really say much except to cuddle up to whoever's handy. Haha. Normal Estrea and Chaos get on like a house on fire. It's quite fun really.
It's strange having to juggle all these different personalities within me. Grace mentioned how strange it was that while I physically had the body of a normal 18 year old, my emotional age was probably around 5, and my mental age around 50 or more. It's a precarious balancing act to make sure that I don't go too far to either side.
It's a crazy crazy world. Being me is hardly easy. How the heck do you reconcile a 5 year old and a 50 year old within an 18 year old body? They can't combine, and they sure as hell can't be destroyed or separated. It's an absurd little symbiotic relationship going on. The only reason my mentality doesn't collapse is because the inner kid provides a sort of release, an escape for all the cynicism and bitterness. And the harsh adult protects the inner child from the reality of the world by taking all the hits. And there I am, sitting in the middle, trying to play referee, babysitter, and juggler all at the same time.
I'm only 18. Or I will be in 23 days. I can't take all these things. Little wonder I'm beginning to develop a split psychosis to deal with my vastly different sides. It's a miracle that I didn't end up with bipolar disorder...which would have made the whole mix worse.
Anyway, enough of this. Can't take another analysis of the deeply ruptured images of me.
]
Just randomly felt like saying it.
I have been blogging a lot lately haven't I? It's a useful form of expression.
And an opportunity to explore my psyche...however twistedly amusing it is.
I just realised how much Hyori's 2nd album is growing on me. The woman has ridiculously catchy songs. That and the fact that her voice, in addition to the nature of her songs, appeal a lot to the darkly dangerous side of me.
No, most people don't see that side of me. Not even close friends. They see the dark DARK side of me yes, you know, all morbid and everything. But not the other facet of the dark personality. That one is strictly private.
Actually Chaos seems to be the male manifestation of that side, although somewhat toned down here for public consumption. You don't really want to know what goes on inside my head after hours.
And if you really have to know, that part of my personality IS the one that pervs over other girls mostly. I just realised that I haven't named that section of me. I mean, I have plenty of names for each side of me.
To refresh the memory, here goes.
Elena was the first. She's generally quite nice, a quaint sense of humor, but too nice to come out and play---mostly because the later personalities tend to shut her in a tiny cell so that she doesn't interfere with the fun.
Sephi came next. She's absolutely bonkers. Extremely hyper. She's the one who ended up earning me the 'pogo stick' nickname. Don't ask. Just know that it involved medical instruments, a twisted lab setting, and copious amounts of bodily fluids. Not to mention all the unusual specimens. And the subsequent rollicking over hilly pastures. Yeah I know it doesn't really make sense. But then again, you almost had to be there to understand what the whole sequence of events meant.
But Sephi is mostly relegated to the sidelines now. I don't have that kind of energy to sustain that level of hyperness anymore. I must be getting old.
Estrea, the current dominant persona, came to being some time after. If I had to pinpoint an exact time frame, probably around late 2003-early 2004. She's the most complex of my personas, probably because there's more than 1 Estrea floating around. Let me explain.
The standard Estrea is serious but witty when necessary. Helpful, but doesn't always come across as such. Stickler to the rules...most of the time. Breaks them when necessary. Fun to be around if you can match up to her high standards...if you don't, then well, that's just too bad.
Here's where it starts getting wormy though. The "old model" of Estrea, which is the first version, has the added feature of being absolutely evil to guys in particular. Torments other people with relish, and does it with an easy flair to boot. Not to mention the all-out battles with the kid brother. Now that was fun.
The revised version of Estrea kinda stripped away the all-out evil mode. Now the evil is largely restricted to sly jabs and taunts, basically a verbal evisceration as opposed to actual evisceration. New Estrea is more sedate than the old version, probably because of the energy factor. It's a little hard to be evil, cause it really drains your energy after a while. Trust me, I know these things.
Oh then there's kid Estrea, where she gets chibified...personality-wise. Becomes all childish and would tug pleadingly at mommy's sleeve asking for hugs. Yeah I know. But childishness does not equate immaturity though. Kid Esty knows about real life, but want to indulge in childish pleasures to act as an escape from reality for at least a while. I liked being kid Esty, it was fun.
Well and there's Chaos, more or less the opposing force, being male and all. Conversations between him and the rest can verge on NC-17 sometimes, although Elena protests at such talk. Which promptly gets her sent into a corner with her mouth taped shut. Poor 'lena. Kid Esty doesn't really say much except to cuddle up to whoever's handy. Haha. Normal Estrea and Chaos get on like a house on fire. It's quite fun really.
It's strange having to juggle all these different personalities within me. Grace mentioned how strange it was that while I physically had the body of a normal 18 year old, my emotional age was probably around 5, and my mental age around 50 or more. It's a precarious balancing act to make sure that I don't go too far to either side.
It's a crazy crazy world. Being me is hardly easy. How the heck do you reconcile a 5 year old and a 50 year old within an 18 year old body? They can't combine, and they sure as hell can't be destroyed or separated. It's an absurd little symbiotic relationship going on. The only reason my mentality doesn't collapse is because the inner kid provides a sort of release, an escape for all the cynicism and bitterness. And the harsh adult protects the inner child from the reality of the world by taking all the hits. And there I am, sitting in the middle, trying to play referee, babysitter, and juggler all at the same time.
I'm only 18. Or I will be in 23 days. I can't take all these things. Little wonder I'm beginning to develop a split psychosis to deal with my vastly different sides. It's a miracle that I didn't end up with bipolar disorder...which would have made the whole mix worse.
Anyway, enough of this. Can't take another analysis of the deeply ruptured images of me.
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