Monday, March 27, 2006
But then decided against it. Because my life doesn't suck that badly today.
Been reading other people's blogs. Well, not that many other people's. Just the usual crew: Grace, Chengwei and Wanjing. I don't read other people's, for reasons that shall remain unspecified.
Reading Jing's blog, I realise how much we have drifted apart. I mean, we used to be pretty good friends. Not best of friends or anything, but still close enough. But now, I realise that I barely know her. She's changed. We all have changed, but I think hers is the most obvious. And somehow that makes me sad?
I wonder if it would ever be the same again when we meet up. I doubt it would be. I don't recognise her anymore. It's strange. JC does weird things to us.
I doubt I have changed that much fundamentally. Grace claims that I'm more open now, which might well be true. And if it is, it is a pretty big step forward.
Oh and I'm more drama now. Too much hanging out with Grace and Lester. Haiz. But its fun. ^^
But basically, I wonder, have I really changed? Or is it just a case of, the more we change, the more we stay the same?
It's a complicated issue.
I read another Rei/Minako one shot fic earlier. It was so poignant. The parts where they were talking about each other...god...I could so identify with that. Here are some quotes from the fic I want to discuss.
She wants someone to see her. That’s why she builds the walls around herself and created this false image. She wants someone to be able to break the shield around herself that keeps everyone out but also keeps herself in. It’s killing her being seen but never understood.
Lord. That's me. That's totally me. I keep building all these personas, and let little glimpses of the real me poke through once in a while, but nobody ever sees. They never see that I'm hiding, that I'm just scared out of my mind. Some see, but never reach out. So I'm stuck in there for god knows how long.
Her eyes grow dark, something that makes me frown, though inconspicuously. Nevertheless, I look around the room just to make sure no one sees. No one does.
No one ever does.
No one ever does. If they do, they don't do a fucking thing about it.
This image that I have made, this façade that I have crafted and this wall that I have carved protects me. It keeps everyone out.
But it locks me in.
It keeps me inside my own cold heart, with no one to hold me when I hurt and no one to wipe away my tears while I cry.
And it hurts. It hurts because I know none of my friends know what I hide. It hurts because when I need someone, there is no one. No one knows who I am. No one knows when I hurt. No one knows what makes me tick.
And that feeling is like hell.
My own personal hell. There is no one to protect me from my demons. There is no one to protect me from the only thing I fear:
Myself.
That spoke to me. It was as if I'm the one speaking then. Goodness.
I’m scared of myself. I’m scared of the fact that I can’t open up to anyone. I’m scared of the fact that I’m alone. Always alone. I live in a world that no one has ever seen because no one can ever get in.
And I only have myself to blame.
I try and I try. I have this blog and the other one. But in the end, no one ever really comes in eh?
I’ve always been scared. So scared that I built walls around my heart. So scared that how I act, how I speak and even what I say is a lie. It protects me from the world and myself. It keeps people away so they can never step into my world.
And I am so alone.
I wish I wasn’t alone. I wish I can just tell someone everything on my mind. I wish I can explain to them exactly what I’m scared of. I wish someone would just hold me and love me.
But no one does. No one can, though many try. And every time I turn someone away or force someone to leave I hate myself a little bit more. I scare myself a little bit more.
There is nothing to fear but fear itself.
*closes eyes* Save me. Now.
I’m afraid people will see the real me and see how weak I really am. I’m scared that people will see how afraid I am of being alone. I’m afraid people will see that I’m afraid of myself. And I’m afraid of myself because I keep people out. Which brings it back to the fact that I’m afraid of people seeing how afraid I am.
It’s all one big twisted chain of fear. And I’m stuck in the middle with no one to blame but myself.
Notice how many times in the past few minutes I’ve said “myself?” That’s the root of the problem. And I can’t get rid of it.
And we can never get rid of ourselves, can we?
That’s why I started to hope when I saw Minako realizing she was just part of my game. I hoped that she would be able to see through my and see my fear. I hoped that she would be able to save me from, what else, myself.
But she hasn’t She hasn’t been able to see what it is that I hide from. And I lose a little more hope every day. I can’t hang on for much longer. I’m drowning in a sea of my own fear and I can’t get out.
Minako. I beg you, see me.
Rei, I know exactly what you mean. Because you and I, we are the same.
But at least in the end, Minako gets over her own insecurity and says "I see you, Rei". Among other things.
Amazing what those simple words really mean to the right person.
I suddenly thought about this other fic where Usagi, after finding out that Rei and Minako are in love with each other, embraces both of them and says this:
"Even if the two of you turn into aliens, I will still love you all."
God. I wish someone would be as understanding enough to say something like that to me. Despite the whole klutziness and ditziness of this Moon Princess, her one redeeming quality is her overwhelming love for everyone and everything. It makes me envy the people around her. Sigh.
I wish someone could see me. Really really see me. Kanai doesn't really count, because as much as she does see me, there are still certain things that aren't quite right somehow. Grace is the same. It just doesn't feel right. Something's missing, but I'm not sure what.
Or maybe I'm just pushing them away again. I let them in, but not fully. It's strange to be saying this on my blog, since they both read it. I trust them, but somehow I need someone who can hold me and say that they love me...and actually mean it.
Friends can’t keep you company on a rainy morning when all you want to do is snuggle in bed but have no one to cuddle with. Family can’t take away the pain when you see the loving couples walking down the street, kissing and hugging. Admirers can never listen to your deepest secrets and comfort you when the hurt inside is threatening to tear you apart.
Only a lover can. Only a lover can kiss you and chase away all those demons that you hide away in the back of your mind. Only a lover can understand why you’d rather cuddle in bed rather than make love. Because they love you. Because they want you to be happy. Because they can see through you and understand who you really are.
Wise words from the Senshi of Love. At risk of sounding absurdly mushy and old-school romantic, I would say that I need a soulmate. My other half, so to speak. Yeah I know that's quite impractical and such, but a girl can hope right?
Hope. Such a childish, benighted concept. A dream, a fleeting fancy. True love doesn't exist anymore. Just relationships of convenience. That's what's real. That's what is left in this world of ours.
Such pessimism. I'm not feeling particularly down or anything at this moment. Just...wistful? Yeah, that's it.
They don't see. They don't ever see. I'm not the most observant of people, but I can sense when someone is hiding. When someone is afraid. Just give me a little time to talk with them, to watch them, and I will know.
But the people in class? Sad to say, I don't care. I don't even bother watching them, talking to them. I've never felt any particular attachment to them. They're just there. If they're hiding, so be it. I'm not the one to unlock their illusions. Not when mine have yet to be penetrated.
We all have our own little problems. I can listen, offer a ear for rants and other purposes. Even let you sob on my shoulder if necessary. What am I there for, if only to be used? I'm sure that's what many people think of me.
People don’t like you for you, they like you for what you can give them.
That's a line from another fic. I admit to being guilty of the same practice. At least I'm honest enough to say it here. Of course, I'll say it again if you ask me in person. I rarely will bring it up myself, since this is hardly a topic that can be worked easily into conversation. So unless you ask me directly, don't hold your breath waitign for me to say it first.
I've never been of much use to anybody, have I? I only cause pain. I'm a burden. I'm a bad influence. Grace claims that JC is that much more bearable having me in the same class, and I feel the same way about having her in the same class, but aside from that, there isn't much else, is there?
Kanai says that I accept myself the way I am, and she envies me for being comfortable with myself. That's not entirely true. It's rather a defeatist way of dealing with life. I'm supposed to want change, in order to get rid of this slobby, useless me that will have no contribution to society whatsoever. To want to improve myself so that I'll stop being a fat, parastitic flea that feeds off others and is so insignificant in the general scheme of things.
Just typing the above makes me want to laugh at the irony. At the self-mockery. At the emptiness of it all.
Conventional wisdom be damned. I'm a lazy slob. So be it. I'm gonna die when nobody is around to support me. Well, to hell it is then.
I can only hope that I won't drag too many people down with me.
Strange isn't it? A few years back, I would have said that I wanted to drag down as many people as I could with me. That I wanted to infect my misery onto others. That because I was unhappy, the world should suffer along with me.
Now? I just want to go to hell on my own. I can't save anyone, but I won't drag them down with me. I'll do my best to make sure that others get the chance to love and be loved, but I'll damn myself to the eternal flames of torment. I want them to be happy, even if deep down I'm screaming and hurting and crying. And no one sees.
No, I don't have some kind of a martyr complex. Far from it. I deserve to burn in hell for being the sinful person I am, but even then, all I wish is for others to be happy in their short lives on earth. Life is too short to waste on sad things. If we are going to hell, then at least be happy before you actually have to go in to suffer for eternity. What's the point of being all moody and dejected when Hell is going to be an infinite times worse?
Am I sad or depressed now? Nope. Just being realistic. Fatalistic, more likely, but either term will do.
I can't save anyone. I can't even save myself from myself. I can't get rid of my problems, because I don't know how to get rid of myself without booking a ticket on straight express to the Ninth Circle of Hell. God's probably disappointed in me. Because I can't have faith in him. I can't trust in him to save me. Not because I think he can't, but because I feel I don't deserve his infinite mercy.
The Bible does say so you know. That we didn't deserve His love, but He loves us anyway.
Problem is, I can't seem to open my heart enough to let that love in. I can't seem to allow others to reach in. I keep pushing them away. And condemning myself to an eternity of torment. Excellent choice, isn't it?
We are all such fools. Me in particular. At least I know I'm a fool. And I play one quite convincingly. Some poor, sad individuals don't even know. Now THAT is a pity.
Am I in self-pity? Nah. I don't feel sorry for myself. I just think, "Oh, I'm going to Hell. Sigh. Too bad" and let it go at that. Of course, I would like to go to Heaven, but then I think about it, and this huge burden comes back down on me. This little voice that whispers:
"You don't deserve God's love. You don't deserve to be saved..." etc etc. I censored the worst of it out.
Yes, I know that that is probably the Devil himself whispering to me and trying to keep me from salvation. But what can I say? I'm a willing victim. I'm letting myself go. If I really tried, I could go back to religion. But part of me would never be convinced that I can be saved.
Because I don't want to be. I don't know why, but there is some perverse instinct in me that wants to be thrice-damned and burning in hell. Obscure form of penance, I suppose. Either that or I take BDSM way too far.
This is getting a tad morbid. And would you believe that I still don't feel a thing? Maybe it's the fact that its 1am now and I need sleep. Or not. I need orange juice, and food. And maybe some mindless lemon fics to keep me off the whole situation.
What is life then, if not for endless distractions? Heh.
Maybe. Maybe one day I can believe. When I find a reason to. Until then, I will destroy myself.
And you can all watch while I'm at it.
Isn't that fun?
