Friday, March 17, 2006
I have no idea why, but calling me a 'good girl' somehow irks me beyond all measure.
Especially if it comes from my granny. Or my dad. Mostly my granny.
It's strange. Maybe its just that I know how profoundly untrue the statement is. I'm not a good girl. Maybe I was once, but the me as of now? No go. Don't even want to go there.
I'm lazy and unmotivated. I wouldn't even breathe if it didn't serve me. How can someone like this be a good girl?
I bought a pair of gloves. On impulse. No, I'm not going to wear them for you to see. It's just something to protect my hands when I pound on the wall...repeatedly. The fact that they're replicas of Cloud's gloves from FFVII Advent Children is only a bonus. And really really cool. I can imagine myself on that big black motorcycle already. Haha.
I'm totally screwing with my sleep cycle lately. I just want to stay up all night. It's quieter, with fewer distractions. When everyone else is asleep, I can walk around the house and just revel in the sudden hush of peace. It's...liberating.
Not to mention the late night walk I took downstairs. I love the dark. So nice and cool and quiet...
If there's one time I love the beach, it's not when its sunset or sunrise. It's when its all dark at night, with nothing but you, the sea, and the endless sky. And the winking of the distant lights of the ships on the horizon.
When that happens, you can pretend that there is no one there except you. Just you and the sky and sea. Everything else is too far away, and those that are near are hidden in the cloak of darkness. An illusion of solitude, but better than nothing.
I must clarify. Solitude has nothing to do with loneliness. Being alone does not mean you are lonely. Loneliness is a state of mind. Solitude is a state of self. I rather like being alone sometimes, thank you very much.
And then there are the times I crave for human contact. Most of the time I don't really get it. I like to talk about me, but not many people are willing to listen, because they want to talk about themselves too. Trying to strike a balance between listening to others and talking about myself is a precarious job.
I won't deny that I like talking about myself. Narcissism yes? But we're all like that at some level. Just some of us are more affected by this unfortunate condition more than than others.
I hate being me, but I wouldn't want to be anybody else. I like me the way I am, yet I want desperately for myself to change. Conflicting desires. Isn't that always the case in life?
I think that's what this blog is for. For me to just blab out all I want about myself without troubling the PRECIOUS time of others. Yeah the caps are deliberate. Hope that conveys something. Heh.
Grace feels that blogging about this kind of thing is too private for her, since it makes her feel exposed and vulnerable. I get that. By showing your weaknesses, it leaves openings for others to strike. I have felt that way on occasion.
But despite the fact that this blog is on occasion just chock full of raw emotions, and reveals a lot of my shortcomings, I'm not revealing anything that I haven't accepted and can deal with on some level. Except possibly for the gender identity issue, but I'm comfortable with talking about it if anyone wants to needle me about it.
That's precisely the point really. All the hurts and fears and what-not in this blog, if someone wanted to use them against me by working on where it really hurts, it wouldn't work. I can talk about it. I might even be amused by the fact that someone wants to taunt me by calling me "useless, worthless" etc etc.
I'll just look them in the eye and say, "Yes, is there something else that you want to say to me that I haven't already said to myself?"
It's that simple really. I hurt myself in this blog by relentlessly bashing on my own weak spots. So by the time someone DOES use them against me, I'm kind of numb to it already. I'll just close up and fort up, so to speak.
Call me lazy, foolish, a dreamer? Been there, done that.
Selfish, cowardly, insensitive? Yeah, and?
Self-absorbed, impractical, irresponsible? Hello, have you been reading this blog? I say that so often that I'm sick of it.
Wastrel, lazybones, useless, worthless? Hmm...where have I heard that before...?
I would put more up, but some of them are quite unprintable and unsuitable for young audiences. Not that most of the things in this blog are actually suitable for young audiences. Oh well, it's their life, their trauma. I'm not responsible for kids having bad dreams.
I think the thing that still does hurt me? Praising me. Telling me that I'm a good person. That everything will be alright. That everything will turn out just fine in the end. That will make me cry.
Because I don't deserve goodness. I don't deserve kindness. I'm not self-pitying, in case any smart aleck wants to point it out. I've gotten past the stage where I moan "oh woe is me!" to an uncaring world. Now I just look at the pathetic lump that is me and just roll my eyes and shake my head. Or just raise an eyebrow. And smirk.
Great. Just great. I just realised where my real weakness lies. Crap. I don't want to talk about it. Nobody needs anymore ammunition against me.
You know, I like to think that the world hates me, but I know that's not true. They don't hate me, I'm just insignificant.
And ain't that the one that hurts the most in the end? Heh.
I wondered how I lived without you
I want to have you back in my arms
I want you by my side
When no one remembers, you will be there
When no one cares, I will be there
Can't shake that off
Both of us
Always and forever
You're all that I want
All that I need
Needing each other
More than anything
Staying strong
Even when we start to cry
Rain falling all around us
I with you
You with me
Fallen into Eternity's embrace
Well that was the singularly most SAPPY and EMBARRASSING thing I've ever written. And strangely fun. Was that directed at anybody? Not really. What do you think?
Well what spurred that little interlude? I'll blame WMP for putting on the song 'Without You". Although towards the end I was sniggering while I was typing, I'll admit. The absurdity of the situation was too much to bear.
Heavens forbid if I ever write a love letter to anybody. It will probably be so full of cliches that I'll choke and and die before I even send it out.
Coming to that point though, I think I'll probably end up staying single (and celibate, unless I get horrendously drunk) for a good part of my life. I can't bear having anyone that close. I can't bear the idea of someone touching me that way. I can probably deal with me touching someone else, but not the other way round. Insecurity? Maybe. Or just a trust issue. I don't trust anybody that close. I have this thing known as a personal bubble...
Although I admit that it's easy to lean on some of my friends. Just not that way. I do need some innocent comfort too. Sigh...
Ok enough of sentimental crap. Just a little something to round it off though.
Giving no quarter
This is the last stand
Heaven or Hell
The final duel
You decide
Let's ROCK!
Inspired by GGXX. Before every duel, the words 'Heaven or Hell' come up. Heh. It's not particularly well done, but what the heck. I'll go now. As I always do.
圣骑士之战
即将诞生
准备好了吗？
地域之火
准备净化这个罪恶的世界吧！
]
Especially if it comes from my granny. Or my dad. Mostly my granny.
It's strange. Maybe its just that I know how profoundly untrue the statement is. I'm not a good girl. Maybe I was once, but the me as of now? No go. Don't even want to go there.
I'm lazy and unmotivated. I wouldn't even breathe if it didn't serve me. How can someone like this be a good girl?
I bought a pair of gloves. On impulse. No, I'm not going to wear them for you to see. It's just something to protect my hands when I pound on the wall...repeatedly. The fact that they're replicas of Cloud's gloves from FFVII Advent Children is only a bonus. And really really cool. I can imagine myself on that big black motorcycle already. Haha.
I'm totally screwing with my sleep cycle lately. I just want to stay up all night. It's quieter, with fewer distractions. When everyone else is asleep, I can walk around the house and just revel in the sudden hush of peace. It's...liberating.
Not to mention the late night walk I took downstairs. I love the dark. So nice and cool and quiet...
If there's one time I love the beach, it's not when its sunset or sunrise. It's when its all dark at night, with nothing but you, the sea, and the endless sky. And the winking of the distant lights of the ships on the horizon.
When that happens, you can pretend that there is no one there except you. Just you and the sky and sea. Everything else is too far away, and those that are near are hidden in the cloak of darkness. An illusion of solitude, but better than nothing.
I must clarify. Solitude has nothing to do with loneliness. Being alone does not mean you are lonely. Loneliness is a state of mind. Solitude is a state of self. I rather like being alone sometimes, thank you very much.
And then there are the times I crave for human contact. Most of the time I don't really get it. I like to talk about me, but not many people are willing to listen, because they want to talk about themselves too. Trying to strike a balance between listening to others and talking about myself is a precarious job.
I won't deny that I like talking about myself. Narcissism yes? But we're all like that at some level. Just some of us are more affected by this unfortunate condition more than than others.
I hate being me, but I wouldn't want to be anybody else. I like me the way I am, yet I want desperately for myself to change. Conflicting desires. Isn't that always the case in life?
I think that's what this blog is for. For me to just blab out all I want about myself without troubling the PRECIOUS time of others. Yeah the caps are deliberate. Hope that conveys something. Heh.
Grace feels that blogging about this kind of thing is too private for her, since it makes her feel exposed and vulnerable. I get that. By showing your weaknesses, it leaves openings for others to strike. I have felt that way on occasion.
But despite the fact that this blog is on occasion just chock full of raw emotions, and reveals a lot of my shortcomings, I'm not revealing anything that I haven't accepted and can deal with on some level. Except possibly for the gender identity issue, but I'm comfortable with talking about it if anyone wants to needle me about it.
That's precisely the point really. All the hurts and fears and what-not in this blog, if someone wanted to use them against me by working on where it really hurts, it wouldn't work. I can talk about it. I might even be amused by the fact that someone wants to taunt me by calling me "useless, worthless" etc etc.
I'll just look them in the eye and say, "Yes, is there something else that you want to say to me that I haven't already said to myself?"
It's that simple really. I hurt myself in this blog by relentlessly bashing on my own weak spots. So by the time someone DOES use them against me, I'm kind of numb to it already. I'll just close up and fort up, so to speak.
Call me lazy, foolish, a dreamer? Been there, done that.
Selfish, cowardly, insensitive? Yeah, and?
Self-absorbed, impractical, irresponsible? Hello, have you been reading this blog? I say that so often that I'm sick of it.
Wastrel, lazybones, useless, worthless? Hmm...where have I heard that before...?
I would put more up, but some of them are quite unprintable and unsuitable for young audiences. Not that most of the things in this blog are actually suitable for young audiences. Oh well, it's their life, their trauma. I'm not responsible for kids having bad dreams.
I think the thing that still does hurt me? Praising me. Telling me that I'm a good person. That everything will be alright. That everything will turn out just fine in the end. That will make me cry.
Because I don't deserve goodness. I don't deserve kindness. I'm not self-pitying, in case any smart aleck wants to point it out. I've gotten past the stage where I moan "oh woe is me!" to an uncaring world. Now I just look at the pathetic lump that is me and just roll my eyes and shake my head. Or just raise an eyebrow. And smirk.
Great. Just great. I just realised where my real weakness lies. Crap. I don't want to talk about it. Nobody needs anymore ammunition against me.
You know, I like to think that the world hates me, but I know that's not true. They don't hate me, I'm just insignificant.
And ain't that the one that hurts the most in the end? Heh.
I wondered how I lived without you
I want to have you back in my arms
I want you by my side
When no one remembers, you will be there
When no one cares, I will be there
Can't shake that off
Both of us
Always and forever
You're all that I want
All that I need
Needing each other
More than anything
Staying strong
Even when we start to cry
Rain falling all around us
I with you
You with me
Fallen into Eternity's embrace
Well that was the singularly most SAPPY and EMBARRASSING thing I've ever written. And strangely fun. Was that directed at anybody? Not really. What do you think?
Well what spurred that little interlude? I'll blame WMP for putting on the song 'Without You". Although towards the end I was sniggering while I was typing, I'll admit. The absurdity of the situation was too much to bear.
Heavens forbid if I ever write a love letter to anybody. It will probably be so full of cliches that I'll choke and and die before I even send it out.
Coming to that point though, I think I'll probably end up staying single (and celibate, unless I get horrendously drunk) for a good part of my life. I can't bear having anyone that close. I can't bear the idea of someone touching me that way. I can probably deal with me touching someone else, but not the other way round. Insecurity? Maybe. Or just a trust issue. I don't trust anybody that close. I have this thing known as a personal bubble...
Although I admit that it's easy to lean on some of my friends. Just not that way. I do need some innocent comfort too. Sigh...
Ok enough of sentimental crap. Just a little something to round it off though.
Giving no quarter
This is the last stand
Heaven or Hell
The final duel
You decide
Let's ROCK!
Inspired by GGXX. Before every duel, the words 'Heaven or Hell' come up. Heh. It's not particularly well done, but what the heck. I'll go now. As I always do.
圣骑士之战
即将诞生
准备好了吗？
地域之火
准备净化这个罪恶的世界吧！
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