Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Had a sudden urge to blog.
At school now. My thought processes scrambled by my history readings. Yeah I was doing SEA history readings and now my brain cells are like 90% dead. Sigh.
Re-read last night's blog post, and realised that my thought processes weren't very clear then. Haiz. I wonder what's wrong with me. Meh.
It's a strange thing to behold sometimes. Holding up a crystal to the light, you can see the prismatic colors contained within. Ok, prismatic colors just reminded me of BoA's NNA song. After all, Nanairo no Ashita basically translates into "prismatic colors of tomorrow". Doh.
People are like that too. When you hold them up to the light, you can see different aspects of them reflected there. We aren't all just one dimensional cut-outs, there are various facets of our personality that are not readily visible in certain company.
Take me for example. I'm slightly psychotic when I'm in school. Psychotic, as in I babble about BoA and lately, Sailor Moon (x___X;;;) in front of other people. But my life doesn't revolve around these two things, although if you've been reading this blog it seems it does. Hehe.
At home, with my dad and granny, I come across as lazy and self-centered. To my granny, I probably look like I can't be bothered to lift a finger to do things at home. What she can't seem to understand is that I only do what is necessary, and not what I know others can and will take care of. So what if that's selfish? It's just imminently practical from my point of view.
Online, if I'm with people whom I'm only mildly acquainted with, I come across differently to different people. For frivolous people, I come across as fun-loving and BoA-obsessed. For the more serious variety, like iynaix, I'm more serious and toned-down to match their mood. I still tease and crack jokes a lot, but I show my more mature side with greater regularity.
With people that I'm well acquainted with, like Chengwei, Kanai or Grace, I show the darker side of myself more regularly. Either that or I come across looking like the roadrunner on crack. It happens. Especially when I'm gushing about Haruka/Michiru or Rei/Minako. Or just plain old BoA-rants. XD
The one and only time I felt completely different from either my free-wheeling self or my dark depressive self was one night at 3am in the morning when I wrote Endless Rhapsody. The poem itself isn't really that good when you get right down to it, but it embodied something very significant that took place that night.
For a moment, I felt apart. Completely cut off from the real world. I became more and less of a person. As if my sense of self had been completely subsumed, but yet at the same time magnified and amplified with a sense of greater calm overwhelming my body and soul. I was alive, yet not alive in that moment.
It was as if suddenly Huimin didn't exist. Nor did Estrea, Krista, Sephi, Elena, or even Chaos. No, a completely new entity had arisen in me, and I was content. At ease. I was comfortable. Nothing mattered; not other people, not school, not friends, not family, not even life and death itself had a hold on me. I felt free, and so very much alive. It was as if I'd found something I had been looking for all my life, even though I hadn't known what it was.
I had been chatting online with Kanai at that point in time, and when we conversed, it was as if I was speaking from very far away. As I'd mentioned many times before, Kanai has this strange telepathic ability to sense my moods even from half a world away. She immediately noticed a shift in the person she was talking to, and she said so to me. Or the person I was at that point in time.
It felt strange. It was like having an out-of-body experience while still in your body. It was as if all 6 of my other sub-personalities was buried somewhere inside and just watching this new dominant alterego take charge...and they were happy to relinquish control.
When you think about it, it's funny. 6 personalities, plus this new one, equals seven. How many colors are there in a rainbow? And isn't a rainbow essentially the prismatic reflection of light? Heh.
But, as I'd mentioned before, suddenly, that alterego faded away and receded back into whatever chasm it was hiding in previously. And then it was back to struggling with 6 different personalities again. Just when I'd found something strong enough to unite all of the fragmented pieces of me, it decided to run and hide again. Damn it.
But Kanai said that it was scary somehow. That for a moment I was a completely different person. I can't be certain if 'scary' was the word she used then, but it was something along those lines.
I wasn't happy in the traditional meaning of the word, but I was calm and at peace. Like attaining some subtle enlightenment. The feeling was...indescribable. It was like knowing that everything would be ok as long as I remained in that state.
But then it all went away, and I never reclaimed that feeling since then. I tried getting into moods of inspiration, but inspired as I've felt, I've never regained that sense of self-assurance and identity anymore. It was back to being less than a complete person. Like I was missing something.
Except now I know exactly what I'm missing.
]
At school now. My thought processes scrambled by my history readings. Yeah I was doing SEA history readings and now my brain cells are like 90% dead. Sigh.
Re-read last night's blog post, and realised that my thought processes weren't very clear then. Haiz. I wonder what's wrong with me. Meh.
It's a strange thing to behold sometimes. Holding up a crystal to the light, you can see the prismatic colors contained within. Ok, prismatic colors just reminded me of BoA's NNA song. After all, Nanairo no Ashita basically translates into "prismatic colors of tomorrow". Doh.
People are like that too. When you hold them up to the light, you can see different aspects of them reflected there. We aren't all just one dimensional cut-outs, there are various facets of our personality that are not readily visible in certain company.
Take me for example. I'm slightly psychotic when I'm in school. Psychotic, as in I babble about BoA and lately, Sailor Moon (x___X;;;) in front of other people. But my life doesn't revolve around these two things, although if you've been reading this blog it seems it does. Hehe.
At home, with my dad and granny, I come across as lazy and self-centered. To my granny, I probably look like I can't be bothered to lift a finger to do things at home. What she can't seem to understand is that I only do what is necessary, and not what I know others can and will take care of. So what if that's selfish? It's just imminently practical from my point of view.
Online, if I'm with people whom I'm only mildly acquainted with, I come across differently to different people. For frivolous people, I come across as fun-loving and BoA-obsessed. For the more serious variety, like iynaix, I'm more serious and toned-down to match their mood. I still tease and crack jokes a lot, but I show my more mature side with greater regularity.
With people that I'm well acquainted with, like Chengwei, Kanai or Grace, I show the darker side of myself more regularly. Either that or I come across looking like the roadrunner on crack. It happens. Especially when I'm gushing about Haruka/Michiru or Rei/Minako. Or just plain old BoA-rants. XD
The one and only time I felt completely different from either my free-wheeling self or my dark depressive self was one night at 3am in the morning when I wrote Endless Rhapsody. The poem itself isn't really that good when you get right down to it, but it embodied something very significant that took place that night.
For a moment, I felt apart. Completely cut off from the real world. I became more and less of a person. As if my sense of self had been completely subsumed, but yet at the same time magnified and amplified with a sense of greater calm overwhelming my body and soul. I was alive, yet not alive in that moment.
It was as if suddenly Huimin didn't exist. Nor did Estrea, Krista, Sephi, Elena, or even Chaos. No, a completely new entity had arisen in me, and I was content. At ease. I was comfortable. Nothing mattered; not other people, not school, not friends, not family, not even life and death itself had a hold on me. I felt free, and so very much alive. It was as if I'd found something I had been looking for all my life, even though I hadn't known what it was.
I had been chatting online with Kanai at that point in time, and when we conversed, it was as if I was speaking from very far away. As I'd mentioned many times before, Kanai has this strange telepathic ability to sense my moods even from half a world away. She immediately noticed a shift in the person she was talking to, and she said so to me. Or the person I was at that point in time.
It felt strange. It was like having an out-of-body experience while still in your body. It was as if all 6 of my other sub-personalities was buried somewhere inside and just watching this new dominant alterego take charge...and they were happy to relinquish control.
When you think about it, it's funny. 6 personalities, plus this new one, equals seven. How many colors are there in a rainbow? And isn't a rainbow essentially the prismatic reflection of light? Heh.
But, as I'd mentioned before, suddenly, that alterego faded away and receded back into whatever chasm it was hiding in previously. And then it was back to struggling with 6 different personalities again. Just when I'd found something strong enough to unite all of the fragmented pieces of me, it decided to run and hide again. Damn it.
But Kanai said that it was scary somehow. That for a moment I was a completely different person. I can't be certain if 'scary' was the word she used then, but it was something along those lines.
I wasn't happy in the traditional meaning of the word, but I was calm and at peace. Like attaining some subtle enlightenment. The feeling was...indescribable. It was like knowing that everything would be ok as long as I remained in that state.
But then it all went away, and I never reclaimed that feeling since then. I tried getting into moods of inspiration, but inspired as I've felt, I've never regained that sense of self-assurance and identity anymore. It was back to being less than a complete person. Like I was missing something.
Except now I know exactly what I'm missing.
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