Aeternus, Eternus

It was the best of times, the worst of times.

Everyone sees my potential, except me. Actually, that's not true. I know I have potential, and I'm working on it. Just not in the orthodox way. And somehow, that's wrong too, since I actually have to put the rest of my life in order before I can pursue these frivolous dreams.

And having a cynical little voice in my head (Yes, you, Chaos) isn't helping any.

You know, when I was coming up the stairs earlier, a couple of lines from my favorite Iscariot fanfiction came to mind. It sounded exactly as if Chaos was whispering to me inside my head.

Suppress it. Those are unclean and filthy desires of the flesh.
Filthy little girl. God won’t want you anymore.
I only grow stronger. The more you deny it, the more I grow.
You fear me because I am you.
You’re such a dirty child, Yumiko! Fighting with your brother like that! You have to be a good child!
One day, Yumiko, you’re going to destroy us both. And what would Wolfe say?

Just replace the names and you get what I mean. Having that little voice in my head is driving me insane. Well, sort of, anyway.

The two lines that grip me most are these:

I only grow stronger. The more you deny it, the more I grow.
You fear me because I am you.

I don't exactly fear Chaos as much as Yumiko fears Yumie. But its the same sensation of sorts.

One day, I will destroy us both. And then what will God say?

Filthy child, I don't want me anymore.

I don't love myself as much as I should. Or so she says. She's right though. I don't.

Where others see good, I only see the stains on me. Because as much as I reveal about myself here, I still don't reveal the dirty disgusting details that make myself up. All that filth.

Stained hands. So dirty. Repulsive. Who would want someone like me?

It's a beautiful day out there.

Repress. I need to repress.

So maybe one day, I won't have to remember.