Sunday, April 23, 2006
Re-read that little Rei/Minako ficcy titled Is It Real?.
And realised just how much I'm pulling a Minako. No, you don't have to get that. Just like how a watching Haruka sighs at how dense Minako is being, so I'm being incredibly moronic now.
It's painful, really. I can talk with Chengwei, Kanai, and Grace. But I can't talk with the rest. As in, really talk. Of course, you don't need that many people for heart-to-hearts. So that's alright, isn't it?
Wrong. There's one person I want to know. But I can't seem to get past the superficial? Why? Why me? What is wrong with me?
Grace will know exactly what I mean. After all, that 3 hour talkathon helped. Of course, I didn't spend the whole 3 hours talking. She got to talk, I got to talk. So it's kinda split evenly. Haha.
Anyway, it's like I can't get past that facade. I want to, but can't. With most people I can at least read them slightly. But I can't, not with that person.
A good quote from that fic:
I just want to hate her for making me want to know her. I just want to hate her because I don’t know her. I just want to hate her because I can’t see her. I want to hate her because I’m scared. I’m scared that no one will ever see me like they will never see her.
I just want to hate that person. But I can't. Hating is so much easier. But I can't do it this time.
Although in this case, the last line of that quote doesn't apply. Thank god. I'm not that insecure...yet. I hope.
Why is it so hard? It's never been so hard.
Grace said that she trusts me. When I heard it, I was stunned. Really, truly stunned. She trusted me enough to tell me some of the things she kept buried inside her heart from just about everybody. I felt very privileged...and at the same time, deeply touched.
That someone could see some good in me. Enough to entrust secrets to me. I felt special, for once. And deeply honored. It's not everyday that somebody decides to put real faith in you.
Speaking with Kanai on MSN now. Here's another person who trusts me. At least that's what I hope.
With her, I realise how similar we are, and how different we are at the same time. It's a subtle thing. I'm only beginning to piece together the differences.
While she clings on to her memories of her mother, I try to bolt mine away in a secure vault and not look at them. For her, the memories are comforting, even though it aches. For me, remembering just opens a wider void in my heart. I can't take that, not anymore. So I repress.
She remembers all the little details about her mother. I can barely remember mine. I can't even remember the sound of her voice. Her face is just a blurred image. I can only faintly remember arms hugging me...being warm and safe. Almost.
And then in a flash of an eye, it's gone. Poof. Just like that. And I'm back to the present. The cold, cruel reality. And I feel emptier than before.
That's why I don't want to remember. I want to, but I'm afraid. Remembering hurts. I want to forget. But I don't want to, because every moment is so very precious to me.
Seeing others with their parents hurt. Almost. I've learnt to block those feelings. After a while you just get numb. But once in a while, I see a mother with her daughter, and my heart tugs painfully.
Could have been me. Could have been us. I needed my mother. Why did she have to leave?
Too late. It's all gone. They can't come back, those times. It can never be the same.
Kanai is right. The others won't understand. We can't move on just because some self-righteous fool says so. What do they know? Try losing a mother who really loved you, and whom you adored...who was the absolute center and meaning of your life. The two of us know how it feels like. It's not so easy. It's never easy.
I can see some smug people being all uppity now and turning their noses away in self-absorbed superiority, thinking that we're just being big babies who cry for their mothers. Well, take that and shove it up your nose. I'm stronger, and tougher than you are. I can take anything you throw at me. Clip me in the chin and I'll give you a bloody nose in return. You want to fight me? I'll kill you. I will.
Try me.
Something about me is rather vicious. When it comes to the travails of life, I'm no stranger to it. I can be nice and fluffy and even moderately compassionate. But I can also fight like a wolf, snapping and biting. I can and I will, because I had to. And I won't hesitate to tear out your throat like a ferocious alpha defending territory.
That's the last redeeming quality about me. Loyalty. I'm unflinchingly loyal to those I consider to be my close friends. Even though now my little voices are telling me that that's not true, that I'm a selfish bitch that would run away and leave my friends to die should the situation arise. I'm not sure anymore. I would fight to death, simply because I have no hold on my life.
But isn't there a saying that those who fight to live are the strongest? Fighting to die is a sure way to defeat.
And I guess that just about sums up the story of my life.
]
And realised just how much I'm pulling a Minako. No, you don't have to get that. Just like how a watching Haruka sighs at how dense Minako is being, so I'm being incredibly moronic now.
It's painful, really. I can talk with Chengwei, Kanai, and Grace. But I can't talk with the rest. As in, really talk. Of course, you don't need that many people for heart-to-hearts. So that's alright, isn't it?
Wrong. There's one person I want to know. But I can't seem to get past the superficial? Why? Why me? What is wrong with me?
Grace will know exactly what I mean. After all, that 3 hour talkathon helped. Of course, I didn't spend the whole 3 hours talking. She got to talk, I got to talk. So it's kinda split evenly. Haha.
Anyway, it's like I can't get past that facade. I want to, but can't. With most people I can at least read them slightly. But I can't, not with that person.
A good quote from that fic:
I just want to hate her for making me want to know her. I just want to hate her because I don’t know her. I just want to hate her because I can’t see her. I want to hate her because I’m scared. I’m scared that no one will ever see me like they will never see her.
I just want to hate that person. But I can't. Hating is so much easier. But I can't do it this time.
Although in this case, the last line of that quote doesn't apply. Thank god. I'm not that insecure...yet. I hope.
Why is it so hard? It's never been so hard.
Grace said that she trusts me. When I heard it, I was stunned. Really, truly stunned. She trusted me enough to tell me some of the things she kept buried inside her heart from just about everybody. I felt very privileged...and at the same time, deeply touched.
That someone could see some good in me. Enough to entrust secrets to me. I felt special, for once. And deeply honored. It's not everyday that somebody decides to put real faith in you.
Speaking with Kanai on MSN now. Here's another person who trusts me. At least that's what I hope.
With her, I realise how similar we are, and how different we are at the same time. It's a subtle thing. I'm only beginning to piece together the differences.
While she clings on to her memories of her mother, I try to bolt mine away in a secure vault and not look at them. For her, the memories are comforting, even though it aches. For me, remembering just opens a wider void in my heart. I can't take that, not anymore. So I repress.
She remembers all the little details about her mother. I can barely remember mine. I can't even remember the sound of her voice. Her face is just a blurred image. I can only faintly remember arms hugging me...being warm and safe. Almost.
And then in a flash of an eye, it's gone. Poof. Just like that. And I'm back to the present. The cold, cruel reality. And I feel emptier than before.
That's why I don't want to remember. I want to, but I'm afraid. Remembering hurts. I want to forget. But I don't want to, because every moment is so very precious to me.
Seeing others with their parents hurt. Almost. I've learnt to block those feelings. After a while you just get numb. But once in a while, I see a mother with her daughter, and my heart tugs painfully.
Could have been me. Could have been us. I needed my mother. Why did she have to leave?
Too late. It's all gone. They can't come back, those times. It can never be the same.
Kanai is right. The others won't understand. We can't move on just because some self-righteous fool says so. What do they know? Try losing a mother who really loved you, and whom you adored...who was the absolute center and meaning of your life. The two of us know how it feels like. It's not so easy. It's never easy.
I can see some smug people being all uppity now and turning their noses away in self-absorbed superiority, thinking that we're just being big babies who cry for their mothers. Well, take that and shove it up your nose. I'm stronger, and tougher than you are. I can take anything you throw at me. Clip me in the chin and I'll give you a bloody nose in return. You want to fight me? I'll kill you. I will.
Try me.
Something about me is rather vicious. When it comes to the travails of life, I'm no stranger to it. I can be nice and fluffy and even moderately compassionate. But I can also fight like a wolf, snapping and biting. I can and I will, because I had to. And I won't hesitate to tear out your throat like a ferocious alpha defending territory.
That's the last redeeming quality about me. Loyalty. I'm unflinchingly loyal to those I consider to be my close friends. Even though now my little voices are telling me that that's not true, that I'm a selfish bitch that would run away and leave my friends to die should the situation arise. I'm not sure anymore. I would fight to death, simply because I have no hold on my life.
But isn't there a saying that those who fight to live are the strongest? Fighting to die is a sure way to defeat.
And I guess that just about sums up the story of my life.
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