Monday, April 10, 2006
You know, when I start listening to Half-Pain on repeat, something is obviously wrong with me. Either that or I just enjoy listening to this song now.
When I went to bed last night, many thoughts were swirling in my head. So many, in fact, that I barely got an hour or two of sleep. It was like an endless nightmare just floating in my head. Or just wild thoughts becoming a virtual hurricane inside my mindscape.
I've just come into a startling realisation. Re-reading my short piece entitled Human again, I was caught by one line.
Putting on one mask after another, a demon in human skin.
Well, it reminded me of something my fevered thoughts threw at me last night. Something so very vital to my identity.
Over and over again, I have put on many masks. One for every occasion, or so it seemed. So much so, that I have claimed that I've forgotten who I was underneath all the pretenses. In fact, even if you stripped me off all the masks, the false illusions, and laid me bare, I would still be unsure if what lay beneath was the real me. For, truly, I cannot remember the person I was, and I don't understand the person I've become either.
Last night, as I lay tossing and turning in my bed, one thought assaulted me repeatedly. What if all the masks were not, in fact, masks? What if, in playing that perplexing game over the years, I had in fact, grown into my roles? Or to put it bluntly, I've become what I pretended to be?
So, in effect, all those little fragmented pieces of me are very much part of me. I am as much Estrea as I am Huimin. I am Sephi and Elena, and also Krista. Chaos, the manifestation of my darker emotions, is also a vital part of my character. So too, is the little girl I've kept locked inside my heart for so very long. There is no singular "me" anymore, at least not in the traditional sense. All these parts are separate, individual components. In some cases they have started to meld into one another, but yet there are certain parts that remain distinct and apart from the rest.
I can't remember who I was. That part was true when I wrote Human. Try as I hard as I may, I can't remember anything, save for a fleeting smile, or a distant image of a little girl curled up in a chair with a book. I can't remember my beliefs, my outlook, and I've retained just the barest remnants of my old hopes and dreams.
Grace once mentioned that her memories of her past helped to keep her sane in this turbulent future. I am much the same, but the fact is, I'm losing grip on those memories. Those that remain are deeply cherished, but buried so deep within myself that I can't find them easily anymore. It is as if some part of me wishes to suppress those memories, yet another part of me wants desperately to bring them back. In the end, all I have left are random impressions of the past, where everything was warm and happy and where I believed there could be a happily ever after.
My central dilemma of my current existence is the issue of identity. I realise that this is something all teenagers grapple with during puberty and on into early adulthood. But as I'd summarised above, with so many separate identities contained within one self, there has to be a dominant personality, or at least some kind of composite image where all the different identities are expressed in a way.
The problem is, I'm rejecting some parts of myself. Anyone who has read my poem Demon will understand what I feel about Chaos. A demon, a friend, and my most intimate confidant all at the same time. But not "me". Chaos, as much as I hate to admit it, is still a part of me at the end, and I hate the idea. No, it's not that simple. I'm awfully horrified by the notion, yet at the same time absolutely enthralled by the prospect. It's one of those things that make very little sense, even to me.
Trying to come to terms with myself is never an easy task. The phrase "just be yourself" has never been so complicated. Just who am I?
I don't know. No, that's not true. I do know. I know a lot, but I don't understand.
Am I making any sense? Or is everyone 1) deeply confused, 2) fallen asleep, 3) stopped reading or 4) thinking that I'm an idiot?
The one thing I can be sure of myself though, is that I'm a coward. My online personas don't show that side, since its relatively easy to hide that side of myself in virtual reality. But the me in real life? A hopeless, pathetic coward.
I'm afraid of reality. I'm afraid of growing up. I'm afraid of failing, but yet not motivated enough to do something about it. I'm afraid of love, so I end up crushing on the most impossible people, those that I know would never reciprocate. Simply because it's safe to be crushing on them, that I know they won't feel that way about me, and I can pretend to be obsessed with them and so guard myself from falling in love and getting hurt.
You know, I never realised that until I was reading this Sailor Moon fic where Ami crushes on Makoto, Makoto crushes on Minako, Minako crushes on Rei, Rei crushes on Usagi, and Usagi is all happy and oblivious with her Mamo-chan. Ami realises what they were doing though, and in the subsequent unravelling of the plot, Makoto makes a comment to Minako that made me realise what I was doing in my own life. That I was just hiding behind a made-up crush so I couldn't fall in love for real and risk getting hurt. It's odd how epiphanies happen just like that.
Most importantly of course, is that I'm afraid of myself. I think I've discussed this with Chengwei before. We are afraid of what we are capable of. I am afraid of what I can and will do, given the opportunity. I'm afraid of this person I am, the person I'm becoming. The latter is becoming less of an issue, but rest assured, it WAS an issue 3 years ago, and I can fully understand it now, looking back on hindsight.
I don't know who I am. I'm not sure if I want to know. But what I do know, is that I'm absolutely and utterly terrified. Scared of life, scared of death. Scared of others, scared of myself.
Enough of all that demoralising crap. I just downloaded Episode 40 of PGSM. Hehe. Watched it again, and had a burst of inspiration for that romance piece I was writing. Yeah, I'm writing something romantic. That fluffy enough for you yet, Grace? Haha.
I'm rather amazed by my line of thought sometimes. Actually I was planning on writing something short and sweet, with a dose of fluff. So I was brainstorming of possible places. I was thinking about a "quiet" theme, and then an image of a church sprang to mind. With the church image firmly in my head, I went on there to add a girl kneeling in prayer near the front. And so I had someplace to start from, and more or less had somewhere to go with that line.
And then everything went up in the air when the story came to life and took the bit by its teeth and began running away with the plot. Now I'm approaching 2000 words with something that was originally supposed to be something like 1000 words. And from a simple, self-contained story, I ended up with something in the PGSM timeline. *sigh*
Ok, so it was probably coincidence that when I first came up with the church scenario to start off with, it JUST happened to pop into my mind that in PGSM, Minako was in a church praying before her first meeting with Rei. *cough*
And then I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to let Rei come look for her in the church in MY story. Haha. This is set right after Act 49, before the events of the Special Act. Hehe. It just seemed right to add a cute parallel to their first meeting. And the chance to let Minako and Rei take jabs at each other while stubbornly (on Rei's part anyway) refusing to acknowledge that they like each other.
It just so happened that the story decided to take a life of its own (again) and drag the rest of the senshi into the picture. That's what caused the 2000 words part. Haiz. Ami is surprisingly useful in giving the 3rd party's point of view. And what can I say, shy quiet types are fun. Especially when they're geniuses like Ami-chan. XD
The antagonistic relationship between Rei and Minako is so fun to write. Besides, small doses of fluff I can still handle writing. The two of them are so kawaii together. Haiz. Rei made Minako cry in Act 40!!! Or at least, gave her a reason to cry. Gwahahahaha. Ok never mind. I'm being insane here.
Ok I gotta go now. Cya.
]
When I went to bed last night, many thoughts were swirling in my head. So many, in fact, that I barely got an hour or two of sleep. It was like an endless nightmare just floating in my head. Or just wild thoughts becoming a virtual hurricane inside my mindscape.
I've just come into a startling realisation. Re-reading my short piece entitled Human again, I was caught by one line.
Putting on one mask after another, a demon in human skin.
Well, it reminded me of something my fevered thoughts threw at me last night. Something so very vital to my identity.
Over and over again, I have put on many masks. One for every occasion, or so it seemed. So much so, that I have claimed that I've forgotten who I was underneath all the pretenses. In fact, even if you stripped me off all the masks, the false illusions, and laid me bare, I would still be unsure if what lay beneath was the real me. For, truly, I cannot remember the person I was, and I don't understand the person I've become either.
Last night, as I lay tossing and turning in my bed, one thought assaulted me repeatedly. What if all the masks were not, in fact, masks? What if, in playing that perplexing game over the years, I had in fact, grown into my roles? Or to put it bluntly, I've become what I pretended to be?
So, in effect, all those little fragmented pieces of me are very much part of me. I am as much Estrea as I am Huimin. I am Sephi and Elena, and also Krista. Chaos, the manifestation of my darker emotions, is also a vital part of my character. So too, is the little girl I've kept locked inside my heart for so very long. There is no singular "me" anymore, at least not in the traditional sense. All these parts are separate, individual components. In some cases they have started to meld into one another, but yet there are certain parts that remain distinct and apart from the rest.
I can't remember who I was. That part was true when I wrote Human. Try as I hard as I may, I can't remember anything, save for a fleeting smile, or a distant image of a little girl curled up in a chair with a book. I can't remember my beliefs, my outlook, and I've retained just the barest remnants of my old hopes and dreams.
Grace once mentioned that her memories of her past helped to keep her sane in this turbulent future. I am much the same, but the fact is, I'm losing grip on those memories. Those that remain are deeply cherished, but buried so deep within myself that I can't find them easily anymore. It is as if some part of me wishes to suppress those memories, yet another part of me wants desperately to bring them back. In the end, all I have left are random impressions of the past, where everything was warm and happy and where I believed there could be a happily ever after.
My central dilemma of my current existence is the issue of identity. I realise that this is something all teenagers grapple with during puberty and on into early adulthood. But as I'd summarised above, with so many separate identities contained within one self, there has to be a dominant personality, or at least some kind of composite image where all the different identities are expressed in a way.
The problem is, I'm rejecting some parts of myself. Anyone who has read my poem Demon will understand what I feel about Chaos. A demon, a friend, and my most intimate confidant all at the same time. But not "me". Chaos, as much as I hate to admit it, is still a part of me at the end, and I hate the idea. No, it's not that simple. I'm awfully horrified by the notion, yet at the same time absolutely enthralled by the prospect. It's one of those things that make very little sense, even to me.
Trying to come to terms with myself is never an easy task. The phrase "just be yourself" has never been so complicated. Just who am I?
I don't know. No, that's not true. I do know. I know a lot, but I don't understand.
Am I making any sense? Or is everyone 1) deeply confused, 2) fallen asleep, 3) stopped reading or 4) thinking that I'm an idiot?
The one thing I can be sure of myself though, is that I'm a coward. My online personas don't show that side, since its relatively easy to hide that side of myself in virtual reality. But the me in real life? A hopeless, pathetic coward.
I'm afraid of reality. I'm afraid of growing up. I'm afraid of failing, but yet not motivated enough to do something about it. I'm afraid of love, so I end up crushing on the most impossible people, those that I know would never reciprocate. Simply because it's safe to be crushing on them, that I know they won't feel that way about me, and I can pretend to be obsessed with them and so guard myself from falling in love and getting hurt.
You know, I never realised that until I was reading this Sailor Moon fic where Ami crushes on Makoto, Makoto crushes on Minako, Minako crushes on Rei, Rei crushes on Usagi, and Usagi is all happy and oblivious with her Mamo-chan. Ami realises what they were doing though, and in the subsequent unravelling of the plot, Makoto makes a comment to Minako that made me realise what I was doing in my own life. That I was just hiding behind a made-up crush so I couldn't fall in love for real and risk getting hurt. It's odd how epiphanies happen just like that.
Most importantly of course, is that I'm afraid of myself. I think I've discussed this with Chengwei before. We are afraid of what we are capable of. I am afraid of what I can and will do, given the opportunity. I'm afraid of this person I am, the person I'm becoming. The latter is becoming less of an issue, but rest assured, it WAS an issue 3 years ago, and I can fully understand it now, looking back on hindsight.
I don't know who I am. I'm not sure if I want to know. But what I do know, is that I'm absolutely and utterly terrified. Scared of life, scared of death. Scared of others, scared of myself.
Enough of all that demoralising crap. I just downloaded Episode 40 of PGSM. Hehe. Watched it again, and had a burst of inspiration for that romance piece I was writing. Yeah, I'm writing something romantic. That fluffy enough for you yet, Grace? Haha.
I'm rather amazed by my line of thought sometimes. Actually I was planning on writing something short and sweet, with a dose of fluff. So I was brainstorming of possible places. I was thinking about a "quiet" theme, and then an image of a church sprang to mind. With the church image firmly in my head, I went on there to add a girl kneeling in prayer near the front. And so I had someplace to start from, and more or less had somewhere to go with that line.
And then everything went up in the air when the story came to life and took the bit by its teeth and began running away with the plot. Now I'm approaching 2000 words with something that was originally supposed to be something like 1000 words. And from a simple, self-contained story, I ended up with something in the PGSM timeline. *sigh*
Ok, so it was probably coincidence that when I first came up with the church scenario to start off with, it JUST happened to pop into my mind that in PGSM, Minako was in a church praying before her first meeting with Rei. *cough*
And then I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to let Rei come look for her in the church in MY story. Haha. This is set right after Act 49, before the events of the Special Act. Hehe. It just seemed right to add a cute parallel to their first meeting. And the chance to let Minako and Rei take jabs at each other while stubbornly (on Rei's part anyway) refusing to acknowledge that they like each other.
It just so happened that the story decided to take a life of its own (again) and drag the rest of the senshi into the picture. That's what caused the 2000 words part. Haiz. Ami is surprisingly useful in giving the 3rd party's point of view. And what can I say, shy quiet types are fun. Especially when they're geniuses like Ami-chan. XD
The antagonistic relationship between Rei and Minako is so fun to write. Besides, small doses of fluff I can still handle writing. The two of them are so kawaii together. Haiz. Rei made Minako cry in Act 40!!! Or at least, gave her a reason to cry. Gwahahahaha. Ok never mind. I'm being insane here.
Ok I gotta go now. Cya.
Comments:
Post a Comment
