Sunday, May 28, 2006
Have I mentioned how much I hate PMS?
Urgh.
Having out of control hormones is NOT good.
Been reading Slayers fanfiction. Yes, I know its old, I know its cheesy, and I know that I'm really old-fashioned, but hey, its classic. Cheesy classic, but classic nevertheless.
Been thinking. The whole idea of order and chaos has been lingering on my mind, and this fic just reinforces it. Basically, ladies and gentlemen, there is no Good or Evil, just Order and Chaos. One cannot exist without the other. It's that simple.
Of course, I'm not going to get into the whole business of discussing cosmic theory before dinner time. I'm not in the mood.
Got into some self-reflection. Xellos and Iyzeka are VERY psychologically disturbed in the fic.......and with good reason. It's intriguing really. The author, in her notes, state that Xellos was NOT ready for a relationship 700 years ago (basically, when the anime ended). Considering his psychological state, and the unresolved issues he has to deal with, I'm inclined to agree.
Iyzeka...is very innocent. She is aware of many things, but she has a very simple view of how the world works. She can probably recite the Kama Sutra from back to front and understand every single position and technique, but she is still rather innocent in the morality aspect. Innocence, but not ignorance apparently. Interesting little thing, isn't she?
What has that to do with me? Nothing really. I'm not as damaged as Xellos is, certainly. The guy has near-genocide staining his psyche, not to mention eons of social brainwashing that managed to impact him very negatively. And I'm not like Iyzeka; nobody can be quite as innocent as she is. Granted though, she starts losing the edges of it towards the last few chapters I read. It's hard not to when you're forced to kill in order to protect the ones you love.
Damn hormones. I just yelled at my granny again for nagging at me. I don't want to yell at her, but there's only so much one can take. Especially when its at that "time of the month". Sigh. I hate biological insanity.
Ugh. Anyway, I was wondering, am I ready for a relationship? You know, just wondering. I'm 18, and I've never had a relationship of any kind beyond the platonic. And no, I don't think itnernet flings count. Besides, I was only 14 then, give me a break.
I'm a lot like Filia in that story. She blames herself very often, and is very dependent on Xellos emotionally (although she would never admit it, especially not to him). Darn, the similarities are a bit discomfiting. I didn't need to know some things, but I do anyway. Life sucks sometimes.
And it just struck me that if Filia is attracted to someone as psychologically unbalanced as Xellos is, then what about someone like me? Oh dear...I'm in trouble aren't I? I just KNEW I was a magnet for psychologically disturbed individuals...being partially disturbed as it is myself. Darn, just when I thought life couldn't get any MORE complicated...
...and I probably just jinxed it even worse. *smacks forehead* I just had to go ahead and say it, didn't I? Stupid, stupid me.
As Kanai says, I'm her psycho bunny. Yeah, I know. Psycho BUNNY. Ugh. Oh well. It could be worse. You just know that something that cute has to be evil. Haha.
Sigh. So I'm probably going to fall in love with a psychologically disturbed individual with occasional violent tendencies and which I'll have an emotional dependency on.
That sounds familiar. Oh dear. I think I already have. Oh no.......
Story of my life. NOW I know why I'm so attracted to that particular person. Sigh. I have deep seated issues to deal with. And I need professional help. Desperately. Soon. Please?
...And I just realised that in all that waffling around above, I STILL haven't resolved the primary issue I set out to discuss, that is, whether I'm ready for a relationship at all. Am I? Will I be? I don't know. I need to grow up a little more.
Makes me wish I had a Val to gently guide me onto the path to emotional growth. Sigh.
So, am I ready for emotional entanglement? My instinctive response is a firm "No". As much as I crave love, I'm afraid that I'm not quite ready to handle being IN love and to deal with the emotional baggage and responsibility that comes with it. I'm too frightened of commitment and responsibility at the moment to even consider a serious relationship that won't just degenerate into a short-lived fling.
And no, despite my penchant for sadism on some level, I'm not evil enough to want to hurt someone else who might genuinely care for me that way. I'm not ready, and I know it. If I embark of any kind of romantic entanglement, I'd get hurt...but not quite as badly as I'll hurt the other person, if that other person does care for me, their hurt will probably be greater.
I don't want to be a burden to whoever gets saddled with me. Until I'm ready to deal with myself, I can't let anyone else take care of me that way. Even if all I want to do is to abandon my fears and just jump into the nearest warm embrace, and pretend that everything is fine. I just CAN'T do that, not if I want to emerge out of this whole mess intact and stronger. If I don't grow up, people will get hurt...including me. Especially me.
But how the heck does one go about growing up emotionally? Damn. Physical growth is so much easier in comparison...everything is programmed before you are even bornt into the world. Haiz. If life were so easy, it wouldn't be half as fun. Damn it. Damn it all.
Darn. This is turning into one of those psychoanalyzing posts where I dissect my personality and mindset for general consumption. Does anybody (barring Kanai) actually find this sort of thing entertaining or worth reading? I don't know. I don't know many things.
At least I know that I don't know, and accept the fact while trying to alter that state. Entropy. Chaos. Ha. Entropy is change, isn't it? The world is in constant flux. I don't even TAKE physics. Maybe I should. It seems to help me in my understanding of the world.
And this is the time where I wished that I were immortal, so I would have all the time in the world to learn new things, and better understand myself and the world around me. It seems like I've spent the better part of my life groping around for understanding, trying to make sense of everything...and not particularly succeeding very well.
Minimal progress...but better than nothing. I love to learn, to think, to understand. As much as CT thinks that she knows that part of me, I don't think she really understands what exactly I mean when I told her about my love for learning.
I like to learn because I realise that there are so many things we don't know, and don't understand. I want to learn, because I don't understand myself, my meaning, and the world at large around me. I want to understand other people, know myself, know why I act the way I do, know why others act the way they do. Deep down, I'm a rational and logical person, probably too much so, because I keep trying to make sense of EVERYTHING, and its starting to drive me crazy, because there's no way a mortal can do that. At least, not in a mortal's lifetime.
I like knowing, because it gives me a sense of control, and a deep-seated satisfaction. Understanding something makes me feel good. Not knowing just drives me crazy...well, crazier then usual that is. Heh.
It's one of the reason why I don't function well in the modern world like that. I can't adapt as well I want to, or need to. I can't FORCE myself to adhere to the rules, even though I know its the logical, rational thing to do if I want to have any hope of making it out there. I know I should, but I can't. It's one of the things that continue to baffle me...or not.
Because I understand what keeps me from doing it. I know what it is, but I can't say it here. It betrays too much, is too much. I can't say it. Not here. As Xellos would say though, it's a secret! Haha.
Knowing that doesn't make me feel better. It makes me feel...dirty. Unclean. Filthy. More worthless than usual. A deep contempt for myself. As usual. I feel just so cheapened by that knowledge.
Sometimes, not knowing can be a blessing.
Quote, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer:
"Look at them. Throwing themselves about... completely unaware of the danger that surrounds them." (Giles)
"Lucky them." (Buffy)
]
Urgh.
Having out of control hormones is NOT good.
Been reading Slayers fanfiction. Yes, I know its old, I know its cheesy, and I know that I'm really old-fashioned, but hey, its classic. Cheesy classic, but classic nevertheless.
Been thinking. The whole idea of order and chaos has been lingering on my mind, and this fic just reinforces it. Basically, ladies and gentlemen, there is no Good or Evil, just Order and Chaos. One cannot exist without the other. It's that simple.
Of course, I'm not going to get into the whole business of discussing cosmic theory before dinner time. I'm not in the mood.
Got into some self-reflection. Xellos and Iyzeka are VERY psychologically disturbed in the fic.......and with good reason. It's intriguing really. The author, in her notes, state that Xellos was NOT ready for a relationship 700 years ago (basically, when the anime ended). Considering his psychological state, and the unresolved issues he has to deal with, I'm inclined to agree.
Iyzeka...is very innocent. She is aware of many things, but she has a very simple view of how the world works. She can probably recite the Kama Sutra from back to front and understand every single position and technique, but she is still rather innocent in the morality aspect. Innocence, but not ignorance apparently. Interesting little thing, isn't she?
What has that to do with me? Nothing really. I'm not as damaged as Xellos is, certainly. The guy has near-genocide staining his psyche, not to mention eons of social brainwashing that managed to impact him very negatively. And I'm not like Iyzeka; nobody can be quite as innocent as she is. Granted though, she starts losing the edges of it towards the last few chapters I read. It's hard not to when you're forced to kill in order to protect the ones you love.
Damn hormones. I just yelled at my granny again for nagging at me. I don't want to yell at her, but there's only so much one can take. Especially when its at that "time of the month". Sigh. I hate biological insanity.
Ugh. Anyway, I was wondering, am I ready for a relationship? You know, just wondering. I'm 18, and I've never had a relationship of any kind beyond the platonic. And no, I don't think itnernet flings count. Besides, I was only 14 then, give me a break.
I'm a lot like Filia in that story. She blames herself very often, and is very dependent on Xellos emotionally (although she would never admit it, especially not to him). Darn, the similarities are a bit discomfiting. I didn't need to know some things, but I do anyway. Life sucks sometimes.
And it just struck me that if Filia is attracted to someone as psychologically unbalanced as Xellos is, then what about someone like me? Oh dear...I'm in trouble aren't I? I just KNEW I was a magnet for psychologically disturbed individuals...being partially disturbed as it is myself. Darn, just when I thought life couldn't get any MORE complicated...
...and I probably just jinxed it even worse. *smacks forehead* I just had to go ahead and say it, didn't I? Stupid, stupid me.
As Kanai says, I'm her psycho bunny. Yeah, I know. Psycho BUNNY. Ugh. Oh well. It could be worse. You just know that something that cute has to be evil. Haha.
Sigh. So I'm probably going to fall in love with a psychologically disturbed individual with occasional violent tendencies and which I'll have an emotional dependency on.
That sounds familiar. Oh dear. I think I already have. Oh no.......
Story of my life. NOW I know why I'm so attracted to that particular person. Sigh. I have deep seated issues to deal with. And I need professional help. Desperately. Soon. Please?
...And I just realised that in all that waffling around above, I STILL haven't resolved the primary issue I set out to discuss, that is, whether I'm ready for a relationship at all. Am I? Will I be? I don't know. I need to grow up a little more.
Makes me wish I had a Val to gently guide me onto the path to emotional growth. Sigh.
So, am I ready for emotional entanglement? My instinctive response is a firm "No". As much as I crave love, I'm afraid that I'm not quite ready to handle being IN love and to deal with the emotional baggage and responsibility that comes with it. I'm too frightened of commitment and responsibility at the moment to even consider a serious relationship that won't just degenerate into a short-lived fling.
And no, despite my penchant for sadism on some level, I'm not evil enough to want to hurt someone else who might genuinely care for me that way. I'm not ready, and I know it. If I embark of any kind of romantic entanglement, I'd get hurt...but not quite as badly as I'll hurt the other person, if that other person does care for me, their hurt will probably be greater.
I don't want to be a burden to whoever gets saddled with me. Until I'm ready to deal with myself, I can't let anyone else take care of me that way. Even if all I want to do is to abandon my fears and just jump into the nearest warm embrace, and pretend that everything is fine. I just CAN'T do that, not if I want to emerge out of this whole mess intact and stronger. If I don't grow up, people will get hurt...including me. Especially me.
But how the heck does one go about growing up emotionally? Damn. Physical growth is so much easier in comparison...everything is programmed before you are even bornt into the world. Haiz. If life were so easy, it wouldn't be half as fun. Damn it. Damn it all.
Darn. This is turning into one of those psychoanalyzing posts where I dissect my personality and mindset for general consumption. Does anybody (barring Kanai) actually find this sort of thing entertaining or worth reading? I don't know. I don't know many things.
At least I know that I don't know, and accept the fact while trying to alter that state. Entropy. Chaos. Ha. Entropy is change, isn't it? The world is in constant flux. I don't even TAKE physics. Maybe I should. It seems to help me in my understanding of the world.
And this is the time where I wished that I were immortal, so I would have all the time in the world to learn new things, and better understand myself and the world around me. It seems like I've spent the better part of my life groping around for understanding, trying to make sense of everything...and not particularly succeeding very well.
Minimal progress...but better than nothing. I love to learn, to think, to understand. As much as CT thinks that she knows that part of me, I don't think she really understands what exactly I mean when I told her about my love for learning.
I like to learn because I realise that there are so many things we don't know, and don't understand. I want to learn, because I don't understand myself, my meaning, and the world at large around me. I want to understand other people, know myself, know why I act the way I do, know why others act the way they do. Deep down, I'm a rational and logical person, probably too much so, because I keep trying to make sense of EVERYTHING, and its starting to drive me crazy, because there's no way a mortal can do that. At least, not in a mortal's lifetime.
I like knowing, because it gives me a sense of control, and a deep-seated satisfaction. Understanding something makes me feel good. Not knowing just drives me crazy...well, crazier then usual that is. Heh.
It's one of the reason why I don't function well in the modern world like that. I can't adapt as well I want to, or need to. I can't FORCE myself to adhere to the rules, even though I know its the logical, rational thing to do if I want to have any hope of making it out there. I know I should, but I can't. It's one of the things that continue to baffle me...or not.
Because I understand what keeps me from doing it. I know what it is, but I can't say it here. It betrays too much, is too much. I can't say it. Not here. As Xellos would say though, it's a secret! Haha.
Knowing that doesn't make me feel better. It makes me feel...dirty. Unclean. Filthy. More worthless than usual. A deep contempt for myself. As usual. I feel just so cheapened by that knowledge.
Sometimes, not knowing can be a blessing.
Quote, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer:
"Look at them. Throwing themselves about... completely unaware of the danger that surrounds them." (Giles)
"Lucky them." (Buffy)
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