Tuesday, May 02, 2006
I hate my family.
They all should just die.
I get death threats from my dad. I get longwinded rants from my granny.
Is is even legal for parents to threaten to kill their kids?
I don't know, and I don't care. So what if he threatens to kill me? I wish he would.
My only concern is that he might botch it up, and I might not die properly...or quickly. That would suck.
And if my granny doesn't stop ranting at me, I'm going to throw a chair at her. I don't care anymore.
I spent most of the morning after I first awoke slamming my fists against the wall. Slamming my body against a wall. I was so angry. I don't even know with what. I just know I was very angry, and very frustrated.
Damnit. I hate these tears trying to come out now. I am so angry. He threatens to cut off my internet connection. So what? Then what? I'll live. Either way, I'll live.
Because, that's the way I am. I always live.
I'm not even sure if I'm angry or what now. I don't feel angry. I just feel deeply frustrated and irritated. They don't know anything, so why do they presume to just waltz into my life right now and try to take charge? I can take of myself fine enough...even if it leads to my destruction.
So I don't tell them anything? Why should I? How should I? How can they understand? They can't even see beyond their tiny, pathetic circumstances. Fools, every single one of them. Idiots. Morons. They don't know anything at all. Pathetic humans.
Bitter? Of course I'm bitter. I spent the last 7 years suppressing everything I feel. I can't feel anything but bitterness anymore. I spent all my life trying to please my family. I'm sick of it.
Kill. Kill them all. If someone put a gun in my hands right now, there would be a massacre. It is perhaps fortunate that guns are banned in Singapore then. Fortunate for them all.
They all think I'm some childish creature who flares up with a stupid tantrum for no reason at all. They can't see what's been brewing underneath their noses for years. Perhaps its childish to ignore them, but it would only make things worse if I opened my mouth. What do I do? Lie to them, say that "Yes, I'm fine. Everything's alright. You're always right. I'm the one in the wrong. I'm always the one in the wrong. Happy?" Then he would get mad and throw death threats and try to guilt me out again. Again. Again. AGAIN. And again and again and again and again.
I can't take it anymore. I don't want to have to listen to how fortunate I am, that I'm being stupid/ungrateful/lazy/stupid/useless/childish/stupid/stupid/stupid/stupid/stupid. Just stupid. Useless. Lazy. Worthless. Idiotic humans.
Yes, why won't she die? She keeps saying she wants to die. Well, why doesn't she just die already? Adding to my irritation...and my growing headache. Ugh. I'm not going to eat. I'm not. I don't want to eat. I just feel sick and disgusted inside. Disgusted at this people who call myself my family.
Dad says he's going to go drinking again. Well, what gives? Again eh? Go drown yourself, will ya? He's the only one with the right to grief, since he has such a foolish ungrateful daughter with no prospects whatsoever. Yeah I'm useless and hopeless. And guess what? Blame it on the computer. Blame it on my books. Blame it on my FRIENDS. Blame it on everybody under the sun!
Except himself.
So that's it, ladies and gentlemen. The world owes him a living. It doesn't, and he blames it. I hate him. He's my dad, and I can't help but hate him. I love him, because he's my dad. But I also hate him, because for a dad, he really is hopeless.
When I fall sick, its somehow MY fault for not taking care of myself blah blah, that I'm a hopeless person in front of a computer (always back to the com if you ask me, convenient excuse). I don't even get a "are you ok?", much less a hug. If he does remember to ask if I'm fine, its usually much later and as an afterthought, so to speak.
Yes, I don't do anything at home. I'm deadweight. Useless. They don't need me do they? THEY DON'T FUCKING NEED ME. THEY DON'T KNOW ANY FUCKING THING. AND I DON'T CARE. THEY CAN ALL GO TO HELL FOR ALL I CARE. FUCKING ASSHOLES.
Nobody really needs me. Except maybe Kanai. At least I like to think so. I hope. After all, I'm only an online friend for her, and there's only so much connection between us, despite all the understanding we have with each other.
Btw, those stuff in caps? Lack of control, I suppose. Excuse the language. I don't usually use that kind of language, not even in my head. I really needed an outlet somewhere, and here was fairly convenient.
Granny just said that dad gave me everything I wanted. Yeah fucking yay. Like real. That's only because I've never asked anything of him. Yep, nothing. Not at all. The only request I ever made was for an internet connection, that's about it. I never asked him for anything. I never asked him to buy me anything. I never wanted anything more than what I already had. He didn't have to keep going out to buy things for me. I don't need the redundancy. But he can't understand that. I think he wants to make it up to me. But I don't want that. I don't need material things, at least not what is within his means. I can save it up to buy on my own. I don't need to ask any favours from him.
I just noticed a significant decrease in the standard of my language in this post. Probably because I was agitated throughout. Starting to cool down now, but I'm still irritated. And bitter. And cold inside. I just want to hit something repeatedly now. Maybe I'll go in my room later. Whack the walls for a bit. Probably bruise myself in several places.
Maybe I need anger management? That's a laugh. If I couldn't control my anger, several people would be in hospital by now. That's the reality of the situation. Punks who think I need anger management should go see an idiot doctor. Which might make them worse. Ah, who cares about them stinking humans?
To show how serious I am about the situation, I'm going on a small hunger strike for today. I don't care how angry he is going to be when he comes back. I'm done taking that kind of abuse over and over again. He doesn't know the meaning of compromise. It's his way or no way. Autocratic much? He doesn't bother to listen. When he can't understand something, he snaps and starts yelling. And you expect me to TALK with him?
When we talk, it basically means HE talks, and I listen. I don't get to talk. When he wants ME to talk, he keeps pressing me for answers that I can't or am not ready to give. Then he gets mad. And starts yelling. I back down. He yells some more. Silence in the house as he stomps off somewhere. He comes back later and we ignore the incident. Life goes on...until something else happens and the cycle repeats again.
I'm done being the victim all the time. I'm done playing a poor little sad girl. I DON'T WANT PITY DAMNIT. Stop giving me those sympathetic looks like you know everything. The only one who even comes close to understanding how I feel about my dad is Kanai, since her dad isn't really all that great either.
Times like these I envy Grace for having a better dad than me. Ah well. I don't care. Don't care that I'm aping Chengwei in a way. But then again, HE copied me, since I was the one who started saying "I don't care" since forever. Just check the archives. Lol.
Anyway, I got it outta my system now. Hmm. Not that the angry fit has passed, my body needs food again. But I refuse to eat. I'm sick of having to put up with these people.
Bye.
]
They all should just die.
I get death threats from my dad. I get longwinded rants from my granny.
Is is even legal for parents to threaten to kill their kids?
I don't know, and I don't care. So what if he threatens to kill me? I wish he would.
My only concern is that he might botch it up, and I might not die properly...or quickly. That would suck.
And if my granny doesn't stop ranting at me, I'm going to throw a chair at her. I don't care anymore.
I spent most of the morning after I first awoke slamming my fists against the wall. Slamming my body against a wall. I was so angry. I don't even know with what. I just know I was very angry, and very frustrated.
Damnit. I hate these tears trying to come out now. I am so angry. He threatens to cut off my internet connection. So what? Then what? I'll live. Either way, I'll live.
Because, that's the way I am. I always live.
I'm not even sure if I'm angry or what now. I don't feel angry. I just feel deeply frustrated and irritated. They don't know anything, so why do they presume to just waltz into my life right now and try to take charge? I can take of myself fine enough...even if it leads to my destruction.
So I don't tell them anything? Why should I? How should I? How can they understand? They can't even see beyond their tiny, pathetic circumstances. Fools, every single one of them. Idiots. Morons. They don't know anything at all. Pathetic humans.
Bitter? Of course I'm bitter. I spent the last 7 years suppressing everything I feel. I can't feel anything but bitterness anymore. I spent all my life trying to please my family. I'm sick of it.
Kill. Kill them all. If someone put a gun in my hands right now, there would be a massacre. It is perhaps fortunate that guns are banned in Singapore then. Fortunate for them all.
They all think I'm some childish creature who flares up with a stupid tantrum for no reason at all. They can't see what's been brewing underneath their noses for years. Perhaps its childish to ignore them, but it would only make things worse if I opened my mouth. What do I do? Lie to them, say that "Yes, I'm fine. Everything's alright. You're always right. I'm the one in the wrong. I'm always the one in the wrong. Happy?" Then he would get mad and throw death threats and try to guilt me out again. Again. Again. AGAIN. And again and again and again and again.
I can't take it anymore. I don't want to have to listen to how fortunate I am, that I'm being stupid/ungrateful/lazy/stupid/useless/childish/stupid/stupid/stupid/stupid/stupid. Just stupid. Useless. Lazy. Worthless. Idiotic humans.
Yes, why won't she die? She keeps saying she wants to die. Well, why doesn't she just die already? Adding to my irritation...and my growing headache. Ugh. I'm not going to eat. I'm not. I don't want to eat. I just feel sick and disgusted inside. Disgusted at this people who call myself my family.
Dad says he's going to go drinking again. Well, what gives? Again eh? Go drown yourself, will ya? He's the only one with the right to grief, since he has such a foolish ungrateful daughter with no prospects whatsoever. Yeah I'm useless and hopeless. And guess what? Blame it on the computer. Blame it on my books. Blame it on my FRIENDS. Blame it on everybody under the sun!
Except himself.
So that's it, ladies and gentlemen. The world owes him a living. It doesn't, and he blames it. I hate him. He's my dad, and I can't help but hate him. I love him, because he's my dad. But I also hate him, because for a dad, he really is hopeless.
When I fall sick, its somehow MY fault for not taking care of myself blah blah, that I'm a hopeless person in front of a computer (always back to the com if you ask me, convenient excuse). I don't even get a "are you ok?", much less a hug. If he does remember to ask if I'm fine, its usually much later and as an afterthought, so to speak.
Yes, I don't do anything at home. I'm deadweight. Useless. They don't need me do they? THEY DON'T FUCKING NEED ME. THEY DON'T KNOW ANY FUCKING THING. AND I DON'T CARE. THEY CAN ALL GO TO HELL FOR ALL I CARE. FUCKING ASSHOLES.
Nobody really needs me. Except maybe Kanai. At least I like to think so. I hope. After all, I'm only an online friend for her, and there's only so much connection between us, despite all the understanding we have with each other.
Btw, those stuff in caps? Lack of control, I suppose. Excuse the language. I don't usually use that kind of language, not even in my head. I really needed an outlet somewhere, and here was fairly convenient.
Granny just said that dad gave me everything I wanted. Yeah fucking yay. Like real. That's only because I've never asked anything of him. Yep, nothing. Not at all. The only request I ever made was for an internet connection, that's about it. I never asked him for anything. I never asked him to buy me anything. I never wanted anything more than what I already had. He didn't have to keep going out to buy things for me. I don't need the redundancy. But he can't understand that. I think he wants to make it up to me. But I don't want that. I don't need material things, at least not what is within his means. I can save it up to buy on my own. I don't need to ask any favours from him.
I just noticed a significant decrease in the standard of my language in this post. Probably because I was agitated throughout. Starting to cool down now, but I'm still irritated. And bitter. And cold inside. I just want to hit something repeatedly now. Maybe I'll go in my room later. Whack the walls for a bit. Probably bruise myself in several places.
Maybe I need anger management? That's a laugh. If I couldn't control my anger, several people would be in hospital by now. That's the reality of the situation. Punks who think I need anger management should go see an idiot doctor. Which might make them worse. Ah, who cares about them stinking humans?
To show how serious I am about the situation, I'm going on a small hunger strike for today. I don't care how angry he is going to be when he comes back. I'm done taking that kind of abuse over and over again. He doesn't know the meaning of compromise. It's his way or no way. Autocratic much? He doesn't bother to listen. When he can't understand something, he snaps and starts yelling. And you expect me to TALK with him?
When we talk, it basically means HE talks, and I listen. I don't get to talk. When he wants ME to talk, he keeps pressing me for answers that I can't or am not ready to give. Then he gets mad. And starts yelling. I back down. He yells some more. Silence in the house as he stomps off somewhere. He comes back later and we ignore the incident. Life goes on...until something else happens and the cycle repeats again.
I'm done being the victim all the time. I'm done playing a poor little sad girl. I DON'T WANT PITY DAMNIT. Stop giving me those sympathetic looks like you know everything. The only one who even comes close to understanding how I feel about my dad is Kanai, since her dad isn't really all that great either.
Times like these I envy Grace for having a better dad than me. Ah well. I don't care. Don't care that I'm aping Chengwei in a way. But then again, HE copied me, since I was the one who started saying "I don't care" since forever. Just check the archives. Lol.
Anyway, I got it outta my system now. Hmm. Not that the angry fit has passed, my body needs food again. But I refuse to eat. I'm sick of having to put up with these people.
Bye.
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