Aeternus, Eternus

Today was PW Day.

PW Day. Sounds like some kind of weird festival. Except there's nothing festive about it.

What could possibly be festive about a day dedicated to Project Work?

The mad scrambling, the huddling over computers, the queues at the printers, the "SAVE THE DAMN FILE!!" rants........the general atmosphere of busy activity.

You know what I mean.

Right now I'm freezing in the library (again). What is new and different?

Oh by the way, I should be getting a 2nd-hand desktop computer soon. And then I'll have to sign up for Internet services....and voila! I'll be back with a bang!

Or not. Maybe a whimper. Or a squeak. Who knows?

I certainly don't.

I had another one of those strange insights I get from time to time. You know, kinda like hallucinations in a very weird sort of way.

I was musing about one of my story characters that I made up, and then it suddenly hit me.

I'm in love.

If you could see my face now, I'm smirking. Real hard.

I love my characters. All of them.

But what I felt for Rae, my favorite female lead, is somehow different. I adore her, love her, worship her....

...and I love to see her cry.

Granted, she never cries in that story. But I like to see her in pain anyway.

God am I twisted.

On one hand, I want to protect her, guard her, shield her.

On the other, I just want to hurt her, see her bleed and fight and scream.

Aren't I strange?

I love making her suffer, it hurts me to see her in pain but I do it anyway.

Says a lot about me huh?

If she were real, she would probably hate my guts. With good reason: I gave her a miserable past, twisted her mind, tortured her soul, broke and bruised her body, and generally gave her a hard time. Not only that, I made her kill the only people who had any meaning in her life, and I separated her from the person who loves her and she could have loved. I put her in impossible situations and made her choose...

Am I a terrible person? Perhaps. It isn't real after all. She isn't real.

God forgive me if she were.

I want, need, someone like her with me. Maybe a male version, but who knows?

I get the distinct feeling that if I ever had a relationship with anybody, its going to be a painful one. If it isn't painful, it simply means I'm not serious about it.

It only hurts when you love.

I feel that I can't trust anybody that much. It's a barrier I can't seem to overcome. With friends it's easier. I dunno. Grace doesn't have much problems getting through to me most of the time. But I think its her personality that makes me open up. So that's an isolated case.

I'm frightened of commitment. What gives?

And here we all thought that the men were the only ones afraid of commitment.

If I gave too much of myself, I won't be able to take it back.

I guess I'm just chicken. I'm scared. I'm afraid they'll leave me.

And then I'll be alone again.

All alone.

Alone and empty inside.

This sucks.

So I'll just be little old me, not being serious about anything, just floating along. No pressure.

Like a game.

It's just like a game, don't you see? We're all playing, whether we like it or not.

Raise the stakes. You might get burnt. Who knows?

Who cares?

I don't. Not really.

Not anymore.

Dead eyes. I know those. Like a black hole it sucks all emotion away, leaving a huge gap in your soul.

Dead inside. Being unable to feel. I remember. It doesn't even hurt. Why should it?

You can't feel a thing anyway.

Dead like me. I'm alive. Do you think so? I guess. Maybe.

We all have to go someday.

A vision. My forehead slick with sweat.

I'm afraid.

I'm holding a gun. It feels heavy in my hand. Cold, smooth. I want to drop it.

In my own personal nightmare.

Four walls, closing in. You can't breathe, can't see...

Only someone else, faceless, staring at you.

All I had to do was fire the gun. Then the dream will fade. I'll be free, not trapped.

Kill that person. It's not real. Just an illusion.

Is it?

My lips, parched. My tongue flicking out, wetting it.

Hot breath stuck in my throat. I was afraid.

My hands were shaking.

I'm not afraid not afraid not afraid......

Kill him. Place the bullet between his eyes. End it. Save yourself.

I wanted to. I wanted it so much.

And I was so afraid.

He was little more than dead anyway. Like a corpse, his skin shone pallid white. Barely breathing, he stares at me.

Watching me. Waiting for my next move.

Taunting me. I was scared.

And he knew it.

You can't do it can't do it so weak so weak...

All that fear. Pressing in on me. My soul, shrivelling.

The ringing silence in my ears. Getting louder, louder.

Driving me crazy. I wanted it to stop, stop it all.

I wanted out of here.

I squeezed my eyes shut. The echoes...

And I pulled the trigger.

Again, again and....

Again.

I was screaming. Inside my head, in my mouth, I don't know. It was all the same.

I couldn't stop. Inside, something died.

6 times. 5 clicks.

One explosion.

I opened my eyes. Stared at the beautiful circle smack in the middle of his eyes.

Just a red hole in the middle of pale flesh.

A red trickle, slowly, certainly, oozing out, circling the rim.

Dead eyes. His. Mine were becoming the same.

Or already were.

I was shaking and couldn't stop. The gun slipped from suddenly nerve-less fingers.

Dead on the inside.

I felt sick. Overlaid by a sense of self-loathing.

You went and did it anyway. You wanted him dead. You could have stopped at the first trigger.

And I didn't. I just kept firing.

I wanted to live. That's all I wanted.

But really, am I?

What a vision. What a nightmare. In Peacemaker, Souji told Tetsunosuke that "if you want your revenge, abandon your humanity and take up the sword".

Tetsu refused.

What about me? Would I have refused too?

Or would I lose my soul and become a monster?

I don't know, I really don't.

And let's hope that choice never becomes available to me.