Sunday, June 04, 2006
Warning: I am going through a serious Utena phase here, so be warned.
I should probably get down to distinguishing between my so-called 'crushes'. My crushes are usually on two distinct groups, that is, 1) people I want to be, 2) people I actually want to date (or at least fantasize about---and no, I won't go into any detail about the fantasies).
Group 1 is easy enough. Just about every other person I have considered as me crushing on them is in this group. Almost.
Actually, even within Group 1, there are distinctions. There are those where I think are really cool, and those that I actually want to emulate. Some can fit into both categories, but occasionally you get one where it fits in only one of the two.
An example? Let's see. Examples in anime would be like Haruka (BSSM), whom I think is really cool and would want to be like. I mean, she's great in sports and gets a cool car and an awesome girlfriend. Yup, cool girl alright. Haha.
Heck, even my newest heroine, Juri (SKU) is like so darn cool. Fencing captain, member of Student Council, Duelist, good student, blah blah blah. And that aloof image is just gorgeous. And no konks, I'm not clinically insane. So stop glancing at the straitjacket already.
Ok, for oddities that only fit in one category of group 1....Alucard from Hellsing. Let's just face it, Alucard is too damn cool. But I wouldn't want to be him. No sir, no thank you. Why would I want to be a psychotic master vampire with sadistic tendencies and with an inclination towards violent torture........um, don't answer that. Yes, I'm looking at you konks. If your eyebrow raises any higher, it will get stuck to your hairline forever. :P
Now, on to Group 2. Strange how it is that the first name that pops to mind is Hyori. Lol. It's all Kanai's fault. You have corrupted me! Haha.
So, fantasies-wise its a bit obvious. Anyone who has any kind of a sex drive WILL have interesting images floating through their head after watching Hyori's Shall We Dance music video. The next person that pops to mind is, strangely, Ayaka Komatsu. Stop staring at me konks. You did say that I would be better off obsessing over Ayaka than Juri. Unfortunately for you, I'm obsessed over both of them, so you're outta luck. XD Unless you choose to pump me full of Hyori-content......
And I just have to point out the fact that I can no longer listen to Britney Spears's My Prerogative without immediately receiving a VERY tantalising image of Ayaka dripping wet in nothing more than a string bikini. Yes, I'm perverted. So sue me, I watched the fan tribute video which had My Prerogative as its background music. So yeah, its hard not to associate that song with Ayaka dressed in barely anything. And in a swimming pool. Sigh.
Just to prove my point, I'm showing the video here. Members of the male species, please prepare tissues to clean up bloody noses, as well as any other affected...parts. *cough*
Actually, it just came to mind that none of the people I have crushed on are actually dateable material. Male or female. I can't actually imagine myself being involved with them. Anything beyond one night stands at best is rather unthinkable. Lol.
The one person I could ever conceive dating, no wait, make that two people, are both unattainable and strange as it may seem, safe. I feel safe crushing on them because I know how impossible it is. I hate the impossibility, but at the same time, it is because of the impossibility that I allow myself to devote a part of myself to obsess over the whole situation. It's safe, because the obsession will not be reciprocated (at least, that's the ideal situation), and I don't have to deal with a relationship that requires *gasp* commitment.
And this little twist brings me to the REAL point of this post. I idolise people I can identify with (usually). And while reading Juri-centered fanfics last night, I discovered one fic which contained a certain speech that impressed me with its insight into the person that I am, that Juri shares with me, at least in that particular story.
And here it is.
"We refuse to allow ourselves to love, Juri-san, because we believe that the world is a cruel, callous place. Where opening up your heart only leads to hurt. Where people who believe in miracles, who believe that everyone has good inside them, are mad fools. But we're the fools, Juri. I walk through Paris, and I see people meet and fall instantly in love. I see sequences of events that look utterly silly, but end up with a shy smile and a hesitant laugh. The world works for people like Utena and Shiori. For people like us... it chooses to abandon us. We won't let ourselves be part of it."
---Anthy to Juri, In Hiding, by Sean Gaffney
I really felt that speech cut deep into the fog around my heart. I imagine Juri must have felt under siege, hearing that come from Anthy. Haha. I know I would have in her shoes.
Because I don't love her as much as I should. Because I have never loved her in the first place. Because I'm scared, afraid of rejection. So I deny myself. Deny like Juri did for Shiori. Sigh. Why is it that I find so many parallels between myself and anime characters, for goodness sake? Lol.
Actually, if you want a REAL parallel, just look at Akio and Dios. I feel like both of them at times. Dios, the noble prince. Akio, the twisted, corrupt fallen one who manipulates others for his own sick pleasure. Considering that in the manga timeline, they are actually two part of the same person, it feels like familiar territory. Sometimes I'm like one of the morning stars, helpful and cheerful and ready to give. And other times, I descend into my own personal hell and become one of the fallen, spreading the gospel of cynicism and bitter hatred.
It's very easy to predict what I will do, say or even think. I'm predictable that way. But unfortunately, there's a part of me that remains unplottable. It's that hidden part inside of me that I don't trust. It is hidden, crafty, deceiving. Its motives are unknown. It follows nothing and no one. I don't trust it. I don't trust myself. Because I don't know what I can do, will do.
And I don't know what to believe. There was a time where I didn't believe in anything. And there came with it the despair, the anguish, a blighted path. One cannot lose hope. That's what I learnt the hard way during their foolish sojourn. Strangely though, it hasn't made me much wiser. Because if the wisdom of others were to be believed, I'm busily engaged on a route that will lead to the destruction of my future. It's possible. All things are possible.
Most importantly, we've got to keep an open mind. Keep yourself flexible enough to change course as and when necessary. I'm not sure how well I adhere to my own advice, since I'm such a habit-driven creature, but I know that at least on an intellectual level, I can do that to some extent. It's a long road to becoming my ideal though. Not that my ideal is the society's ideal. Ah well, we can't have everything, can we?
Well, I don't feel like typing now. So I'll stop. Goodbye.
I envy you. Because you can hope. Because you believe in miracles. Because you can love and be loved. And I hate you. Because you have everything I don't have. And I love you. Because you are everything I'm not.
]
I should probably get down to distinguishing between my so-called 'crushes'. My crushes are usually on two distinct groups, that is, 1) people I want to be, 2) people I actually want to date (or at least fantasize about---and no, I won't go into any detail about the fantasies).
Group 1 is easy enough. Just about every other person I have considered as me crushing on them is in this group. Almost.
Actually, even within Group 1, there are distinctions. There are those where I think are really cool, and those that I actually want to emulate. Some can fit into both categories, but occasionally you get one where it fits in only one of the two.
An example? Let's see. Examples in anime would be like Haruka (BSSM), whom I think is really cool and would want to be like. I mean, she's great in sports and gets a cool car and an awesome girlfriend. Yup, cool girl alright. Haha.
Heck, even my newest heroine, Juri (SKU) is like so darn cool. Fencing captain, member of Student Council, Duelist, good student, blah blah blah. And that aloof image is just gorgeous. And no konks, I'm not clinically insane. So stop glancing at the straitjacket already.
Ok, for oddities that only fit in one category of group 1....Alucard from Hellsing. Let's just face it, Alucard is too damn cool. But I wouldn't want to be him. No sir, no thank you. Why would I want to be a psychotic master vampire with sadistic tendencies and with an inclination towards violent torture........um, don't answer that. Yes, I'm looking at you konks. If your eyebrow raises any higher, it will get stuck to your hairline forever. :P
Now, on to Group 2. Strange how it is that the first name that pops to mind is Hyori. Lol. It's all Kanai's fault. You have corrupted me! Haha.
So, fantasies-wise its a bit obvious. Anyone who has any kind of a sex drive WILL have interesting images floating through their head after watching Hyori's Shall We Dance music video. The next person that pops to mind is, strangely, Ayaka Komatsu. Stop staring at me konks. You did say that I would be better off obsessing over Ayaka than Juri. Unfortunately for you, I'm obsessed over both of them, so you're outta luck. XD Unless you choose to pump me full of Hyori-content......
And I just have to point out the fact that I can no longer listen to Britney Spears's My Prerogative without immediately receiving a VERY tantalising image of Ayaka dripping wet in nothing more than a string bikini. Yes, I'm perverted. So sue me, I watched the fan tribute video which had My Prerogative as its background music. So yeah, its hard not to associate that song with Ayaka dressed in barely anything. And in a swimming pool. Sigh.
Just to prove my point, I'm showing the video here. Members of the male species, please prepare tissues to clean up bloody noses, as well as any other affected...parts. *cough*
Actually, it just came to mind that none of the people I have crushed on are actually dateable material. Male or female. I can't actually imagine myself being involved with them. Anything beyond one night stands at best is rather unthinkable. Lol.
The one person I could ever conceive dating, no wait, make that two people, are both unattainable and strange as it may seem, safe. I feel safe crushing on them because I know how impossible it is. I hate the impossibility, but at the same time, it is because of the impossibility that I allow myself to devote a part of myself to obsess over the whole situation. It's safe, because the obsession will not be reciprocated (at least, that's the ideal situation), and I don't have to deal with a relationship that requires *gasp* commitment.
And this little twist brings me to the REAL point of this post. I idolise people I can identify with (usually). And while reading Juri-centered fanfics last night, I discovered one fic which contained a certain speech that impressed me with its insight into the person that I am, that Juri shares with me, at least in that particular story.
And here it is.
"We refuse to allow ourselves to love, Juri-san, because we believe that the world is a cruel, callous place. Where opening up your heart only leads to hurt. Where people who believe in miracles, who believe that everyone has good inside them, are mad fools. But we're the fools, Juri. I walk through Paris, and I see people meet and fall instantly in love. I see sequences of events that look utterly silly, but end up with a shy smile and a hesitant laugh. The world works for people like Utena and Shiori. For people like us... it chooses to abandon us. We won't let ourselves be part of it."
---Anthy to Juri, In Hiding, by Sean Gaffney
I really felt that speech cut deep into the fog around my heart. I imagine Juri must have felt under siege, hearing that come from Anthy. Haha. I know I would have in her shoes.
Because I don't love her as much as I should. Because I have never loved her in the first place. Because I'm scared, afraid of rejection. So I deny myself. Deny like Juri did for Shiori. Sigh. Why is it that I find so many parallels between myself and anime characters, for goodness sake? Lol.
Actually, if you want a REAL parallel, just look at Akio and Dios. I feel like both of them at times. Dios, the noble prince. Akio, the twisted, corrupt fallen one who manipulates others for his own sick pleasure. Considering that in the manga timeline, they are actually two part of the same person, it feels like familiar territory. Sometimes I'm like one of the morning stars, helpful and cheerful and ready to give. And other times, I descend into my own personal hell and become one of the fallen, spreading the gospel of cynicism and bitter hatred.
It's very easy to predict what I will do, say or even think. I'm predictable that way. But unfortunately, there's a part of me that remains unplottable. It's that hidden part inside of me that I don't trust. It is hidden, crafty, deceiving. Its motives are unknown. It follows nothing and no one. I don't trust it. I don't trust myself. Because I don't know what I can do, will do.
And I don't know what to believe. There was a time where I didn't believe in anything. And there came with it the despair, the anguish, a blighted path. One cannot lose hope. That's what I learnt the hard way during their foolish sojourn. Strangely though, it hasn't made me much wiser. Because if the wisdom of others were to be believed, I'm busily engaged on a route that will lead to the destruction of my future. It's possible. All things are possible.
Most importantly, we've got to keep an open mind. Keep yourself flexible enough to change course as and when necessary. I'm not sure how well I adhere to my own advice, since I'm such a habit-driven creature, but I know that at least on an intellectual level, I can do that to some extent. It's a long road to becoming my ideal though. Not that my ideal is the society's ideal. Ah well, we can't have everything, can we?
Well, I don't feel like typing now. So I'll stop. Goodbye.
I envy you. Because you can hope. Because you believe in miracles. Because you can love and be loved. And I hate you. Because you have everything I don't have. And I love you. Because you are everything I'm not.
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