Saturday, June 10, 2006
Listening to the song I'm Free by Yuna Ito. And pondering the irony of the title while sitting in the midst of a cluster of relatives who have come to celebrate my grandmother's birthday.
The world works for those allow themselves to feel, to live and love. For people like us (and I leave the 'us' to be completely subjective and on a voluntary signup basis), it chooses to abandon us. Yes I'm quoting from a fanfic. Well, I changed it a little to fit, but that's life, isn't it? *has sudden urge to say C'est la Vie in a genki way* O____o;;;;
It feels strange. Surrounded by extended family. I'm not one of them, but then I don't want to be, and so I'm not, even when deep down I want to be. It's one of those vicious cycles again. Yeah, seems like my life is full of those, it's almost funny that way.
Actually, the main thing that irritates me about having this many people in the house is the noise. I'm by nature a rather quiet person, and I prefer silence, or at least the volume being at a manageable level. By some twist of fate, all my relatives have loud voices. I think it's some kind of divine punishment. Right now I have a whole rabble occupying my personal space and truth to be told, I'm ill at ease.
But I'm lucky in comparison. My relatives seem like absolute angels when taken against the absolute horrors that Kanai's relatives are...or at least that's the impression I get by her description of them. Somehow, her world of pretended amiability and civility is even scarier than the loud cacophony that surrounds me. Let's just face it, forced smiles and an atmosphere of general fakeness is just downright scary. Even if they are quiet. But in this case, the quiet is probably, well...more deadly than the noise I face.
So what do I do now? As the penguin from Madagascar says, "Just smile and wave. Smile and wave, boys." I won't need to wave, but I think smiling is a requirement. Or at least, keeping a neutral expression is the absolute minimum. I know I look like I'm overdramatising, but really, I dislike being in large groups of people. The good thing here is that nobody's paying attention to me......thank Dios for that, I don't think I can handle socialising.
Thank goodness I can ignore them. Oh lord, why do they ALL have to be so loud? And my aunt has the nerve to tell me to lower the volume of the music coming from my speakers. I think in comparison to the explosions of noise in the background, my speakers sound like they're squeaking instead. And if they weren't so loud in the first place, I wouldn't have had to raise the volume to hear anything, would I?
Enough. Stop ranting. I'm gonna grin and bear it. Or at least stop from looking like I'm gonna kill people. Ah well. I'll sign off now.
Note to Fionna: Hey girl, I found that song Aozora no Namida already, so if you read this, PLEASE come get it from me. And yeah, I wanna get the Utena discs from you. We've GOT to meet up soon. XD
]
The world works for those allow themselves to feel, to live and love. For people like us (and I leave the 'us' to be completely subjective and on a voluntary signup basis), it chooses to abandon us. Yes I'm quoting from a fanfic. Well, I changed it a little to fit, but that's life, isn't it? *has sudden urge to say C'est la Vie in a genki way* O____o;;;;
It feels strange. Surrounded by extended family. I'm not one of them, but then I don't want to be, and so I'm not, even when deep down I want to be. It's one of those vicious cycles again. Yeah, seems like my life is full of those, it's almost funny that way.
Actually, the main thing that irritates me about having this many people in the house is the noise. I'm by nature a rather quiet person, and I prefer silence, or at least the volume being at a manageable level. By some twist of fate, all my relatives have loud voices. I think it's some kind of divine punishment. Right now I have a whole rabble occupying my personal space and truth to be told, I'm ill at ease.
But I'm lucky in comparison. My relatives seem like absolute angels when taken against the absolute horrors that Kanai's relatives are...or at least that's the impression I get by her description of them. Somehow, her world of pretended amiability and civility is even scarier than the loud cacophony that surrounds me. Let's just face it, forced smiles and an atmosphere of general fakeness is just downright scary. Even if they are quiet. But in this case, the quiet is probably, well...more deadly than the noise I face.
So what do I do now? As the penguin from Madagascar says, "Just smile and wave. Smile and wave, boys." I won't need to wave, but I think smiling is a requirement. Or at least, keeping a neutral expression is the absolute minimum. I know I look like I'm overdramatising, but really, I dislike being in large groups of people. The good thing here is that nobody's paying attention to me......thank Dios for that, I don't think I can handle socialising.
Thank goodness I can ignore them. Oh lord, why do they ALL have to be so loud? And my aunt has the nerve to tell me to lower the volume of the music coming from my speakers. I think in comparison to the explosions of noise in the background, my speakers sound like they're squeaking instead. And if they weren't so loud in the first place, I wouldn't have had to raise the volume to hear anything, would I?
Enough. Stop ranting. I'm gonna grin and bear it. Or at least stop from looking like I'm gonna kill people. Ah well. I'll sign off now.
Note to Fionna: Hey girl, I found that song Aozora no Namida already, so if you read this, PLEASE come get it from me. And yeah, I wanna get the Utena discs from you. We've GOT to meet up soon. XD
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