Saturday, June 10, 2006
It's amazing how an otherwise peaceful song can sound angry when one is in the right mood.
Just like when one is sexually aroused, everything and anything around you seems to carry a sexual connotation...
Our mind warps reality through the lenses with which we view the world. The tint is influenced by our emotions, our outlooks, and no two people can look through the exact same lenses to see the exact same thing...with all the subtle cues our minds give us when confronted with a situation.
Why do I fight? Why do I live? Why am I doing what I'm doing?
Just finished watching episode 12 of Evangelion. I really like the 3 pilots of the Evas. Shinji, because he reminds me of myself. Asuka, because underneath that arrogant bratty behaviour, she's just as sad and angry at the world...and she's lonely. Rei, well, I pity and admire her both at the same time, because she doesn't make pretenses. She simply is, and perhaps, that makes her the most human of us all. Because she is herself, she does not lie and never bothers to make anything better or worse than it really is.
The reason we fight...
Shinji simply wants his father to acknowledge him, praise him, care for him, love him. That is why he pilots his Eva, puts himself in danger. All simply because he desires recognition from that one person. The rest don't matter, as long as his father acknowledges his existence.
Asuka claims to fight because she wants to showcase her skills. That's a lie, obviously. She fights because she has to, to extinguish the demons that live inside her. With every battle, every competition, every Angel she kills, she's battling her own personal demons. The demons her mother gave her, her poor insane mother who had an obsession over dolls and neglected her own daughter, thinking that the dolls were her children, her Asuka. Asuka's fighting against herself, piloting the Eva to prove a point to herself, that she is more than a doll, that she's worth something...just to erase the pain of her mother's betrayal, to forget the abandonment, losing to some doll. That's probably why she seems to dislike Rei so much, probably because Rei acts like an emotionless doll who does what she is told to do.
Rei...she fights simply because that is all she knows. She was raised in Nerv to fight the Angels, she has no other purpose. And she knows that. Yet she doesn't complain, even though she technically has the most right to protest her circumstance. She has never been given any choice to back out of her position as a pilot, and from her view, she has no reason to, because that was what her sole purpose in life was for. For that I respect her, and pity her, because her life as such is no more than a living weapon, a puppet of Nerv. And considering the number of clones waiting to replace her if she dies, the term 'puppet' is even more appropriate. In short, Ayanami Rei is no more than a doll, and that's why Asuka hates her, and why Shinji wishes to protect her as well (even if he doesn't know why), because Rei was created from a sample of Shinji's mother Yui's DNA. And Shinji does have a bit of a Oedipal complex (long story, has to do with one of the later episodes *cough*).
Watching them I wonder, what am I? I am not a doll. I cannot not make pretenses like Rei does. I am not like Asuka, fiercely competitive, trying to prove a point to everyone, most importantly, herself. I am not quite as passive as Shinji is, but I come pretty damn close at certain points.
Sometimes I feel angry, a burning hatred, rage. Yet I keep a cool front, some might say cold. I lie, smile, laugh, hiding the rage. Rage at the world, at humanity, at myself. So much so that I don't remember what it feels like to be angry anymore. What does it mean to be angry? I know irritation, but I don't know anger anymore. You smile, laugh, pretend...and then you forget what it means to feel, because you are hiding and the emotions are somewhere down there and you can't reach them and now we're wondering what does it mean? I don't know don't know don't know anything anymore.
What is anger? I know sadness...intimately. Until it no longer has meaning. Sadness is simply a state, somewhere I retreat to when I feel under pressure. It is cool, comforting, like amniotic fluid in the womb. I no longer FEEL sad, I am in sadness. It is safe there, because I know what it feels like, and it doesn't hurt as much anymore once you get used to it. It's like dunking yourself in ice cold water, after awhile you get numb.
I can smile. I can laugh. I have a very pronounced sense of humour. I can make jokes and get jokes. I know what it means to have a good time. Am I happy? If I don't think about it all, then yes. Don't think about it, everything's fine, the seas are calm and wavelets ripple joyfully, skipping across ocean blue. If I don't think about it. Don't look beyond the surface. I can be happy...if I keep lying to myself.
There are currents in the sea, those we cannot see, but are there nevertheless. On the surface all is fine, stick a hand in and you feel immediately the tug of the currents surging below.
I laugh, be a good friend. Not a good student. Not a good girl. Not a good daughter. Not a good granddaughter. A good poet. A good writer. Not a good person. What is good? No one knows, not anymore.
Sometimes I laugh and laugh and laugh so hard, then after awhile the laughter turns to sobs, wracked, agonised sobs, and tears uncontrolled travel down my face, and I'm still laughing, because I can't stop it, can't help it, because it's all so funny how I keep lying keep pretending and no one ever knows and even if they do they can't do a pretty damn thing about it because I won't let them because I don't want to leave can't stop pretending because I don't know how to be angry how to be sad how to be happy and I just keep watching and mimicking and pretending to be something I'm not like artificial intelligence a baby taking its first steps following others becoming others and we forget I forget who I am who I was maybe I never was and everything I ever knew was a lie and everything I look forward to never will be never real and I laugh and laugh because I can't see can see that I can't and see that nobody else can see that they can't see and I cry because I can see that I can't see I'm blind because there is no truth no reality and everything is just matter with no meaning more than what we give it and I can't do it because I know it really isn't there and we're all pawns we live we die we return into the system recycled back forth and out again can't you see it's like a dance a program we can't leave because there's nothing to leave to and I laugh and cry because it's all so damn funny that we struggle and fight and hurt each other for something that isn't there so damn ironic that we kill we die we let everything go to hell and we don't care because we think we got what we want but we're wrong there's nothing to get and don't you see? It's just SO DAMN FUNNY.
Because all there was was nothing. From nothing whence we came, and to nothing we return to. It's all for nothing.
]
Just like when one is sexually aroused, everything and anything around you seems to carry a sexual connotation...
Our mind warps reality through the lenses with which we view the world. The tint is influenced by our emotions, our outlooks, and no two people can look through the exact same lenses to see the exact same thing...with all the subtle cues our minds give us when confronted with a situation.
Why do I fight? Why do I live? Why am I doing what I'm doing?
Just finished watching episode 12 of Evangelion. I really like the 3 pilots of the Evas. Shinji, because he reminds me of myself. Asuka, because underneath that arrogant bratty behaviour, she's just as sad and angry at the world...and she's lonely. Rei, well, I pity and admire her both at the same time, because she doesn't make pretenses. She simply is, and perhaps, that makes her the most human of us all. Because she is herself, she does not lie and never bothers to make anything better or worse than it really is.
The reason we fight...
Shinji simply wants his father to acknowledge him, praise him, care for him, love him. That is why he pilots his Eva, puts himself in danger. All simply because he desires recognition from that one person. The rest don't matter, as long as his father acknowledges his existence.
Asuka claims to fight because she wants to showcase her skills. That's a lie, obviously. She fights because she has to, to extinguish the demons that live inside her. With every battle, every competition, every Angel she kills, she's battling her own personal demons. The demons her mother gave her, her poor insane mother who had an obsession over dolls and neglected her own daughter, thinking that the dolls were her children, her Asuka. Asuka's fighting against herself, piloting the Eva to prove a point to herself, that she is more than a doll, that she's worth something...just to erase the pain of her mother's betrayal, to forget the abandonment, losing to some doll. That's probably why she seems to dislike Rei so much, probably because Rei acts like an emotionless doll who does what she is told to do.
Rei...she fights simply because that is all she knows. She was raised in Nerv to fight the Angels, she has no other purpose. And she knows that. Yet she doesn't complain, even though she technically has the most right to protest her circumstance. She has never been given any choice to back out of her position as a pilot, and from her view, she has no reason to, because that was what her sole purpose in life was for. For that I respect her, and pity her, because her life as such is no more than a living weapon, a puppet of Nerv. And considering the number of clones waiting to replace her if she dies, the term 'puppet' is even more appropriate. In short, Ayanami Rei is no more than a doll, and that's why Asuka hates her, and why Shinji wishes to protect her as well (even if he doesn't know why), because Rei was created from a sample of Shinji's mother Yui's DNA. And Shinji does have a bit of a Oedipal complex (long story, has to do with one of the later episodes *cough*).
Watching them I wonder, what am I? I am not a doll. I cannot not make pretenses like Rei does. I am not like Asuka, fiercely competitive, trying to prove a point to everyone, most importantly, herself. I am not quite as passive as Shinji is, but I come pretty damn close at certain points.
Sometimes I feel angry, a burning hatred, rage. Yet I keep a cool front, some might say cold. I lie, smile, laugh, hiding the rage. Rage at the world, at humanity, at myself. So much so that I don't remember what it feels like to be angry anymore. What does it mean to be angry? I know irritation, but I don't know anger anymore. You smile, laugh, pretend...and then you forget what it means to feel, because you are hiding and the emotions are somewhere down there and you can't reach them and now we're wondering what does it mean? I don't know don't know don't know anything anymore.
What is anger? I know sadness...intimately. Until it no longer has meaning. Sadness is simply a state, somewhere I retreat to when I feel under pressure. It is cool, comforting, like amniotic fluid in the womb. I no longer FEEL sad, I am in sadness. It is safe there, because I know what it feels like, and it doesn't hurt as much anymore once you get used to it. It's like dunking yourself in ice cold water, after awhile you get numb.
I can smile. I can laugh. I have a very pronounced sense of humour. I can make jokes and get jokes. I know what it means to have a good time. Am I happy? If I don't think about it all, then yes. Don't think about it, everything's fine, the seas are calm and wavelets ripple joyfully, skipping across ocean blue. If I don't think about it. Don't look beyond the surface. I can be happy...if I keep lying to myself.
There are currents in the sea, those we cannot see, but are there nevertheless. On the surface all is fine, stick a hand in and you feel immediately the tug of the currents surging below.
I laugh, be a good friend. Not a good student. Not a good girl. Not a good daughter. Not a good granddaughter. A good poet. A good writer. Not a good person. What is good? No one knows, not anymore.
Sometimes I laugh and laugh and laugh so hard, then after awhile the laughter turns to sobs, wracked, agonised sobs, and tears uncontrolled travel down my face, and I'm still laughing, because I can't stop it, can't help it, because it's all so funny how I keep lying keep pretending and no one ever knows and even if they do they can't do a pretty damn thing about it because I won't let them because I don't want to leave can't stop pretending because I don't know how to be angry how to be sad how to be happy and I just keep watching and mimicking and pretending to be something I'm not like artificial intelligence a baby taking its first steps following others becoming others and we forget I forget who I am who I was maybe I never was and everything I ever knew was a lie and everything I look forward to never will be never real and I laugh and laugh because I can't see can see that I can't and see that nobody else can see that they can't see and I cry because I can see that I can't see I'm blind because there is no truth no reality and everything is just matter with no meaning more than what we give it and I can't do it because I know it really isn't there and we're all pawns we live we die we return into the system recycled back forth and out again can't you see it's like a dance a program we can't leave because there's nothing to leave to and I laugh and cry because it's all so damn funny that we struggle and fight and hurt each other for something that isn't there so damn ironic that we kill we die we let everything go to hell and we don't care because we think we got what we want but we're wrong there's nothing to get and don't you see? It's just SO DAMN FUNNY.
Because all there was was nothing. From nothing whence we came, and to nothing we return to. It's all for nothing.
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