Thursday, March 04, 2004
Cold About Suicide
I think it's nuts. What is nuts you ask? Well. Imagine this. I see someone who claims to be totally insane, and instead of feeling either freaked out, or trying to help that person, I laughed.
Yes. Laughed. Why, you ask?
Well. If you saw it, you would too. A real suicidal thing, you would know just by taking a single look at it. The one I saw is written like a comedy.
Another thing. The eyes. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. A really depressed/suicidal/insane person, you can tell. It might not be obvious for some, but for someone like me, it's crystal clear.
Mainly I know the signs. Cos I lived them. Still living it. I hide it better. Mainly cos I can make myself forget. For a while at least. Once in a while, a maniacal gleam shines in my eyes. And I'm not talking abt my fanatic behaviour with BoA. That doesn't count. This one, it's cold, cynical, self-loathing, but yet with a non-suicidal approach to life.
The only person that I allowed to see it was of all people, just a friend of mine. Not my best friend, not my wacky friend, but instead I showed it to the one who was quiet and more understanding. Perhaps it's not that surprising. I trusted her to understand, and maybe she did. Or she didn't. I wouldn't know. But I can trust her not to rat me out, or judge me cos of that. She's a good person.
Maybe one day I will be honest to the world. Or not. Once bitten, twice shy, they say. Cliched, but true. I dun wanna hurt anymore. But I still do. Mainly bcos I still have one single thread of attachment linking me to this world. And there lies the source of my pain. Perhaps one day it will be gone as well. I'm so tired of crying bcos of that single attachment. So tired...
]
Yes. Laughed. Why, you ask?
Well. If you saw it, you would too. A real suicidal thing, you would know just by taking a single look at it. The one I saw is written like a comedy.
Another thing. The eyes. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. A really depressed/suicidal/insane person, you can tell. It might not be obvious for some, but for someone like me, it's crystal clear.
Mainly I know the signs. Cos I lived them. Still living it. I hide it better. Mainly cos I can make myself forget. For a while at least. Once in a while, a maniacal gleam shines in my eyes. And I'm not talking abt my fanatic behaviour with BoA. That doesn't count. This one, it's cold, cynical, self-loathing, but yet with a non-suicidal approach to life.
The only person that I allowed to see it was of all people, just a friend of mine. Not my best friend, not my wacky friend, but instead I showed it to the one who was quiet and more understanding. Perhaps it's not that surprising. I trusted her to understand, and maybe she did. Or she didn't. I wouldn't know. But I can trust her not to rat me out, or judge me cos of that. She's a good person.
Maybe one day I will be honest to the world. Or not. Once bitten, twice shy, they say. Cliched, but true. I dun wanna hurt anymore. But I still do. Mainly bcos I still have one single thread of attachment linking me to this world. And there lies the source of my pain. Perhaps one day it will be gone as well. I'm so tired of crying bcos of that single attachment. So tired...
