Aeternus, Eternus

I can't believe I'm reduced to a crying baby right now.

Yeah I'm crying. Right now. Surprised? Shocked? I pretty much dun care what you think.

And all because I was reading some story on ffnet. Yeah. A story. A STORY. And it made me cry.

I bet you must be laughing now. Go ahead. I dun care. But maybe some select few will be wondering why.

I doubt that the number of people that do that when reading this will exceed 0.1%. Or 0.00000001%.

But anyway. I guess the author is good at what he or she is doing if they can make me turn into a crying baby. Mainly it has to do with the themes in the story.

Pain. Pain of loss. Pain of rejection. Agony of being outcast. Despair at being left behind. Abandonment.

The story had all of that. It hit me hard cos I really felt the pain. That's the real kind of pain that really touches me. I can see ppl being beaten up and not feel anything, except maybe just the slightest touch of pity.

I guess all this years, all this time, I have always hovered on the edge of everything. I just kept watching, looking on at everyone else.

Afraid to join in. Afraid that I would be turned away. Be rejected. Be made to feel all alone.

I had always been a loner. Ever since I was but a little child. It got really started when I reached primary school. I guess being too intellectual at that age tends to make me somewhat distant to human company.

It might have had something to do with the fact that I usually preferred to spend quality time with a good book than to go out and play all the time. Yes, even at that age.

I guess being that much of a bookworm when young robbed me of most of my social graces. I was nervous around people because I wasn't sure how they would react. I preferred to watch from aside, where I can read them more clearly.

Something about being in the center of things clouds my judgement. When I wasn't "in the midst of things", to borrow that idea, I could more clearly predict what people were going to do.

It might have something to do with control. I hate to lose control on a situation. And by control I dun mean monopolising the situation or anything. I mean to be able to see what's going on clearly, to be able to second guess things.

I hate being in the dark about things. I'm cursed with an inquisitive nature I'm afraid. I know abt things that probably shouldn't be exposed to me. A hazard of curiosity, but I can bear that I suppose.

But back to the point. I hated being around other ppl, but yet I wanted to be with them. Paradoxical? But humans are like that. We are a bunch of walking contradictions.

Perhaps I should explain my predicament. I didn't want to be around ppl cos I didn't know what to expect from them, and what they expected of me. I didn't know what to do or say to them that would not offend them accidentally.

But I'm also human. Humans, no matter how civilised we are on the surface, are still animals underneath. We are animals after all. Just because we are smarter doesn't change that. Even though I'm having serious doubts about this so-called intelligence of human beings.

If we were so smart we wouldn't be destroying our own world through pollution, and we wouldn't be massacring our own kind. But I digress.

I was referring to pack instinct. Herd instinct, if you want to be picky abt it. Humans are herd animals. Now before you stone me for it, hear the rest of it. We WERE herd animals once. Then, as we grew more "civilised", we became more conscious abt certain differences between ourselves and other humans. The herd grew apart, and started splitting into smaller, more selective, packs. But our desire to stay together was not only fueled by practicality, but also for our innate desire to be with our "pack". Or family, in modern, less "barbaric" context.

The point of that little insight into history/anthropology/psychology etc etc was to emphasize that humans thrive on company. Of course there are some ppl that break that mould, but those were probably isolated incidents. Probably something went wrong somewhere.

But anyway, what went on there was my own personal theory, gathered up from the assorted other theories I have heard or read abt. But it's just common sense really. And suddenly I realise my obsessive-complusive behaviour in treating everything like some sort of study subject has struck again.

Dun tell me you didn't notice my tendency to break off into logical, rational (or irrational) rambles that absolutely reek of scholarly assessment. If you didn't I would really hate to be you. Really.

I suppose I despise stupidity. I see it as a form of weakness. I dun mind it when ppl feign simple-mindedness though. It's a viable way to live. Swindling ppl gets soooo much easier if you let them think they were smarter than you. Gulling a person whose head is puffed up with their own sense of superiority is like child's play. That's why I always keep a sharp eye out on ppl who appear to be simple-minded. They may not always be who they seem to be. And I didn't want to let MY own sense of superiority get ahead of me. I often have to rein myself in ever so often. But I'm getting off point here.

Thank god I dun tend to do this in my essays. Mainly cos there I had a clear goal in mind. A vision if you will. Right here I'm quite literally speaking my mind. Typing out every word even as the thoughts run through my head in split seconds.

I'm really long-winded. It happens. And I forgot what I was thinking abt before. That happens fairly often. I can start out thinking abt some mundane thing like school and stuff, and my thoughts can somehow wind up eventually in concepts of good and evil, as well as random scientific theories I cooked up when I have nothing better to do.

It makes me smile just thinking about that. Weird huh? The tears have dried up, just so you know. I seldom cry for long, unless I really wanted to of course. Crying is such a chore. But it does make you feel better. Sometimes. Sometimes it makes you feel worse. But oh well.

I guess I'll end here. The pain is past. I forget pain very well. But I know that its just hiding there in some corner, ready to pounce again. I can't seem to let go of it. And of course it is only too happy to be able to sink its claws into me.

I learnt to live with pain. In fact, I can't imagine life without it anymore. I cling to my pain like a security blanket. It has reached the point that it defines my very existence. I suppose a lot of people will deem it unhealthy. Maybe it is. But I've grown to accept it as part of me. I even think its kind of cool. Haha. I'm such a weirdo. I actually enjoy being in pain.

Sick? Sadistic? Or just plain crazy? Take your pick. Throw it in my face. Not that I would mind. In fact you would just be giving me more reason to wallow in pain. I am such a despicable opportunist. I absolutely love doing this to everyone.

Sometimes I think I'm losing it. Or maybe I have already lost it. I look normal. I talk normal. Heck, I am the very definition of normal. At least that's what you would see if you didn't know me that well.

Come a little closer, and you would see a lazy, arrogant, defiant, anti-social teen.

Come still closer. See now someone with a unique sense of humor, yet at the same time cynical and carefree at the same time.

Take another tiny step forward. See a girl who sometimes can be infuriatingly cheerful and relaxed, and yet sometimes moodily unpredictable and depressed. See a person who playfully insults and teases the people that she really felt comfortable with.

And finally, take a step into a real up-close-and-personal spot. My head. What were you thinking abt huh? LOL. Ok. Back to taunting mood. *ERHEM*

What would you see there? Truth is, you are seeing part of it here. I'm being more open than I've ever been to anyone right here. I'm actually being honest. That's relatively new. At least it is new now. I wasn't always like this you realise. I suppose that idea may baffle you. And here I am with the urge to insult/taunt and offend anyone in general. I think it's becoming an obsession.

Try having so many things you want to say to assorted ppl, but was scared to because you didn't want to offend them accidentally. I've been suppressing things for abt ten years now. Ok maybe not so long. It's only nine years at most. *wink*

But anyway, all that time not saying what you really wanted to say grinds on your nerves. And I end up spending lots of time honing insults and witty repartees in my mind that I hope one day I would finally gather up enough of my guts to use them.

And you wonder why I playfully insult the ppl I'm comfortable with. I know how much I can get away with when I'm with them, and it's very relaxing to be able to try out some of those cutting remarks I've honed to paper-thiness over the years.

But of course I tone them down a little. I can't afford to alienate what few ppl I feel comfy around. So when you get right down to it I'm never really able to relieve all that pent-up tension. Maybe enough to scratch my itch a little. But never enough.

I seem driven by the most childish of reasons. That is both my weakness and my strength. I dun really believe in anything, and although that weakens me, that is also the shield that protects me. I guess I dun lose out that much in the end.

I seem to be driven by the word "desire". And also "vengeance". Oh and add "contempt" and "hatred" into the mix. I can never be satisfied. I can never allow myself to heal from whatever wound I dug into myself and rubbed salt into with my own two hands. I can't bear to let go of my insane ideas of gothic themes. I think I'm corrupting myself well and good on my own. I dun need any more help from the assorted "bad influences" floating around.

I'm a really empty person. On one hand I laugh and play and enjoy life. But on a different level I laugh and sneer at all these.

So many things. Only to serve as distractions for me. I go to school because I can't bear to be unable to receive any mental stimulation. And I need something to be contemptous about after all. The more I learn about mankind, the more I feel contempt for myself and everyone else. Plus it feeds me ego. What else can I ask for?

I once commented that large ego is sometimes accompanied by low self-esteem. I dun think anyone noticed the undertones of what I said. As usual. Sometimes I feel like I have to hit their head over with a sledgehammer to get myself heard and hopefully understood. Yeah like that would ever happen.

Of course, on hindsight, I could just tell them can't I? Why complicate things unnecessarily, you would ask. But that takes all the fun out of it. I love to see people with baffled looks on their faces as they try to grope their way on the murky path to understanding.

Of course, it probably would make me feel better if someone did get what I meant once I said it. It would feel a lot better to have someone I could really talk to without their faces going blank once every 5 seconds. And I would like to talk to someone I could really trust. Someone who wouldn't judge me. Someone who would listen. Someone who can match me step by step in terms of levels of thought. Someone fun to be around, but also comforting to have around when I go into depression. Someone who would both respect and understand me. And that person doesn't even necessarily have to agree with most of my opinions. Although I'll admit that it would help.

Of course, that kind of person will never appear in my life. I may be a lucky fella, but I doubt my luck extends to things like this. That imaginary person will remain as he is. A dream. A fantasy. A hope I cling onto in times of bleakest despair.

You know that old chinese saying? Qian1 jin1 yi4 de2, zhi1 yin1 nan1 qiu2. It roughly translates to "Wealth is easy to amass, but to find someone who understands you is close to impossible."

That old saying is an old favorite of mine. It is one that I can really grasp the full meaning of, and appreciate it to its fullest extent. It's so much easier to appreciate things if you've lived through the same kind of thing before.

And it helps in helping to understand others too. I still remember when I was talking to some guy who seemed to be intent on pissing everyone off in the game. I didn't know what impelled me to start a pm convo with him. I just did. And I learned more about that person than anyone else did in less than 15mins. Partly it was cos I could identify with that person. I offered a listening ear. I added comforting words at appropriate intervals. And that person opened up to me.

I like to think I did some good that day. I think I managed to persuade that person, a total stranger, that life was worth going on. I'm not too clear on this, since I'm not there right beside him, but I got the vague impression that I stopped someone from going out and doing something drastic. Like ending their life or something.

Maybe I'm exaggerating. But I know that somehow, I did manage to make that stranger feel somewhat better. He told me so. So this I'm not guessing. And he was grateful.

I guess I'm not beyond hope. But it's a strange thing abt me. I always seem to be more able to help others solve their problems, but when it comes to my own problems, I tend to make a singular mess. Or plural. Whatever.

I'm normal. I'm so normal it stinks. I hated to be normal I guess. Maybe all this things that I bring down on my own head is an attempt to make myself different. To stand out. To be recognised.

All in the wrong ways, I'll admit. But it shows the desperate ways ppl go to exalt themselves. Perhaps I'm nothing more than that. A poor soul striving to be more than who she was.

I can't accept myself. That's the problem. And maybe one day I'll come around. But not now. I'm still having too much fun. And the fact that my father is the kind of person he is may have something to do with it.

It's late. Oddly, I dun feel tired. Whenever I'm caught up in my peculiar moods, time means nothing to me. Nor does hunger or thirst. Nothing matters. And I should let it rest now.

Time to sigh and log off now....