Aeternus, Eternus

I had a date.

No not THAT kind of date. Get real.

Why don't I phrase it more completely? I had a date with the past again.

What past? Oh of course. You wouldn't know.

You know on tv dramas and stuff, sometimes the character has flashbacks. Yeah mine was something like that.

Not that I don't do it once in a while. But this time I went the whole nine yards.

Every word. Every detail. Every tear. Every shred of despair. I relived it again.

I wonder why. Well maybe not. I had a talk today with one of my classmates. Something he mentioned in passing triggered off a dark detail in my mind.

We were told to be nice to you.

Those words. For some reason, they cut through me sharper than any knife. Of course I was younger then. More easily hurt. On retrospect, what I feel now is not despair. Disappointment maybe, but definitely anger. Hatred.

I hated them then. I hate them still. Maybe not as much as that very instant. One cannot hold a white hot hatred forever. Besides, what really hurt me was that I probably deserved it. I gave them a reason to dislike me.

I didn't try hard enough. I gave up on myself. I didn't want to care. And they despised me for it. What they didn't know was that I held them in contempt as much as they did of me, maybe even more. I hated them for being better, being so obedient, for being such perfect little Barbie dolls.

I wasn't perfect. No one is. Did I envy them? Yes and no. I envied them for having good support to study. For having a better life than I did. I didn't envy them for being prettier, for being smarter. Or maybe I'm just lying to myself.

I suppose some ppl would not understand why I felt such pain when those seemingly innocent words were said. Well, its the hidden meaning behind that really wounded me.

The moment I heard those, I felt cold. Frozen from crown to toe. Thoughts like "They were lying to me, all of them", "They hated me, didn't want me around" and the last one, "I didn't belong. Not here, not anywhere"

I felt so lost then. Images of how they smiled at me, helped me, talked to me...suddenly it's like the image shatters. And I could see their reluctance, their distaste behind the smiles. And that's when I felt contempt, hatred, well up in me.

They didn't want me. I don't belong. Those thoughts haunted me. All I knew was that I wanted to get out. Get away from these people. These obedient hounds that were at the beck and call of the higher authorities.

I loathed myself. Deep down I felt that not being accepted was my fault. I was right...mostly. Before I stopped trying, some ppl already disliked me. I never really figured it out. Was it something I said? Was it something I did? Or was it just me? Me being myself? Did my mere existence offend these "high-society" ppl? I would never know.

One day, if I ever see that person again, I will ask her. Why did she hate me so? Why did she always seek to put me down? Why was I made to feel like my contributions were worthless? Why?

I hated being weak like this. I hated to let myself cry. All the world is hostile territory. Only when I'm cloaked by darkness am I truly free to weep, to bare my weakness.

The strong exploit the weak. That is a fact of life. Show weakness, and you will be eliminated by the wolves lying in wait.

But sometimes it is an asset. Showing weakness to bait your opponent into your trap, then counterattack. I will admit that I have pulled this trick b4.

It's a somewhat contemptible practice in the eyes of those ppl who firmly believe in honor. But for someone who only seeks to survive day by day, any advantage should be seized. Because if you don't grab it, someone else will.

I cried before in public. On purpose I'll admit. Perhaps I was playing for pity. I wanted to show them a vulnerable me. That I wasn't completely beyond redemption.

They were fooled. They thought I was a depressed, troubled teen. Which, technically, I was. Still am actually. But they overlooked something.

I may be weak and vulnerable, but underneath all that there was still a very cold fire dancing within. The core of me was cold and diamond hard. Even when I allowed myself to be clouded by my emotions, a part of me retained that cold detachment.

It was this cold detachment that sustains me. My eomtional self would have collapsed without it. I would be nothing, no, worse than nothing, without it.

I once mentioned in my musings that a part of me died at the passing of my mother. When you love someone, a part of you goes to them.

I tried to keep myself from loving. And I mean all kinds of love. Friendship, family, romantic...every single aspect. I didn't succeed...mainly bcos I still loved my father.

I hated my father, but I loved him too. I hated him for being weak, for being such a fool. But he was my father, and I could not bring myself to abandon him.

This weakness of mine has caused me much pain. One of the things I've learned is that it is the ones you love that end up hurting you most. It's similar to the saying, "It takes your enemy and you friend, working together, to hurt you. One to do the deed, another to bring the news of the deed to you."

Ultimately, I ask myself this question. Would I be able to discard any attachments I had to my present company and move on as I always did? The answer?

Yes. I would. I will retain fond memories of them. But I would be able to move on. Like I always do. Running from the past, but always entrenched in them. Odd isn't it?

Time heals all wounds. They were wrong. Time only hides the scars, making them less visible. But the scars will never wholly be gone. You can forget about it, perhaps. But sometimes...it is hard to forget. Hard to let go. Hard to cut loose and run free.

Maybe one day I will be able to break free. Rid myself of all mortal attachments. I rather sit back and observe. Watch the love that exists between some of the rare few. It is so much easier to watch then to be in it. At least your thought will not be clouded.

Fear is the root of all evil. Not money. Maybe "Fear of not having enough money". Hmm. What is evil anyway? It's just a concept. Just like the idea of Good. There is no nice, direct definition of Good. Nor is there an exact formula for being Good.

I always had this theory that what is "good", or socially acceptable, is what the MAJORITY believes in. If everyone says it is so, it has to be right, right? That's the common mentality.

I always had this fascinating mental picture that it was the "good guys" that came scuttling into the world stage first and staked their territory, and thus proclaiming themselves as GOOD. The guys that came later was therefore declared EVIL. And thus the epic struggle begins...

So while I was still chuckling at that image (admit it, its funny from my point of view), a thought came to me. What if the "bad guys" of today were the ones to come first and impose their philosophy on the masses? Won't they be defined as GOOD instead? That got me thinking.

I realise that the very idea is baffling, even incomprehensible, to the person who firmly believes in what is defined as GOOD. But admit it, if you knew nothing and had no opinion about the differences between good and evil (heck you dun even know there WAS a difference), wouldn't you be swayed by the ppl who came first?

I mean, look at this. Both the GOOD and EVIL of today have their supporters. I get the vague impression that due to reasons of social unacceptability, many ppl will not declare their support of certain notions that are classified as EVIL. Especially since those that do are ridiculed and sent for counselling to "bring them back to the right path" (read: brainwashed).

I'm not quite stating my fervent support for ALL evil. I prefer to stay somewhere in between. Mainly bcos I do not completely agree with both sides, instead choosing to believe only a few of the ones that make more sense to me. And of course I dun tell ppl abt it. they will probably go: "How could you even think that someof those EVIL ideas are right?"

Actually, ladies and gentlemen, the reality we have to face is that GOOD AND EVIL ARE BOTH SIDES OF THE SAME THING. There. I said it. The "good guys" have their opinion of how things should be done, and the "bad guys" have their own philosophy. It is probably true that neither is perfect. Yes, all you rabid supporters of GOOD, you aren't perfect ya know.

*dodges rotten eggs and tomatoes while running away from frothing fanatics wielding torches and stakes*

HOLY. It was just an opinion! No need to get violent! And did anyone notice the somewhat subtle hint behind the above emote? *wink*

I always seem to get long and drawn out while ranting abt my idea of good and evil. I should get round to changing that...maybe.

And I'm hungry now. It's dinner time. I'll be back. Later. Much later. Actually I dunno when. Oh hell.