Aeternus, Eternus

I was feeling good actually.

Despite the illness.

And then my relatives had to come and just destroy my mood. Thanks a lot.

It's always my fault, isn't it? Always my fault.

Perhaps it was this time. I spend too much time on the computer. I waste electricity. I'm ruining my family.

Whatever.

How many times have I heard this? Too many to count.

I get upset when I am told that I'm playing on my computer. I do not play on my computer, at least not all the time. The largest part of my time when I'm on my computer is when I'm reading fics and the like.

But can they see that? No....of course not.

They jump to conclusions. The only thing I can possibly be doing on the computer is gaming.

Gee, does reading count as gaming? Does writing count as gaming? Does blogging count as gaming? Does forum-ing count as gaming?

It's all the same to them. What does it matter for me to say anything? I just keep quiet and let them talk. It's so much better that way.

Yeah it's probably my fault for staying so long on the computer, driving up the electricity bill. I won't dodge that bullet. It's meant for me anyway.

And no, this time I won't put a "but" after the above statement.

So it's my fault. Who cares? Who ever cares? Life goes on.

I'm hooked onto BoA's song, Everlasting. It suits my mood perfectly. So dramatic. Haha.

I should stop dramatising my own situation. Let's just face it, I'm an ordinary 17-going on-18 JC student with a taste for the melodramatic. There's nothing remotely remarkable about me save for my height. I'm not as smart as I make myself out to be. I'm not the tragic figure who lost her mother. I'm not a filial daughter or granddaughter. I'm just a selfish, self-serving, self-centered and greedy adolescent who also happens to be foolish and lazy.

Harsh? Not really. I saved the best for my inner self.

I'm a lazy good-for-nothing who moans about the future but refuses to do anything to change her future. I will never amount to anything. And I don't care.

I'm a waste of oxygen. I take up unnecessary space. I'm a burden to other people. A parasite sucking the life out of others. I'm a freak of nature. I don't deserve to be around. I don't deserve anything. I am nothing. Less than nothing.

And the best part? I don't really care. I'm a quitter. So what? What can you do to me? Hit me? Try and wake me up?

That's what the last few dozen people have been trying. Thanks for the effort, but I'm not worth the trouble. I'm not worth saving. My life is precious only to me. It's cheap to everybody else.

I have done nothing of note in my short existence. I only cause harm to others. What good have I done for people? People have given me more than I deserve. I have never given anything to anyone in return.

Am I angsty now? No. Just empty. I don't feel sad. I'm not angry with myself. I don't even feel disappointed.

I can't feel. And to be honest, I don't want to.

I'm just typing all these down. But I don't feel a thing. It's just empty. I don't feel anything.

Wonderful isn't it?

Selfish. Greedy. Stupid. Lazy. Immoral. Spiteful. Ungrateful. Narrow-minded. Immature.

That's me. Don't you think so too?

And don't lie about it already. We all know what you think.

Humans. So foolish. We never learn, do we?