Wednesday, June 02, 2004
Ranting On My Dad
I'm trying really really hard to smile now. Really. Smiling is much more difficult when all you want to do it frown. Or cry. Or whatever.
No I don't feel like crying. I just feel cold again. Yeah, it's that feeling. If you've been reading the earlier posts you would know what I mean.
Do guys PMS? Or have menopause or something? Are guys supposed to have violent moodswings like girls? And when I say violent I not only mean "big change", I also mean it as in thing-smashing-cum-bad-temper state of emotion. You know, big and nasty, lots of shouting and arm-waving and threatening, that violent.
Maybe it's midlife crisis. Or too much pent-up frustration. Yeah its probably my fault--again--and guess what? I don't give a fucking damn. Yeah, it's my fault, so? What do you want me to do? Get down on my knees while crying and begging for forgiveness? No thanks. Not like it would make thigns better if I did that anyway. Why should I subject myself to unnecessary humiliation? Fuck I hate this.
Hmm I just realised I've been reduced to swearing. Oh wonderful. Am I truly so limited? Yeah probably. Oh well.
And something I really hate. Guilt complex. You know, where said person goes into oh-its-all-my-fault-blame-me-blame-me mode. Guess who's doing that? Yeah I know I do it too, but at least I don't inflict my grouses onto others, well except here. But this doesn't count does it?
You know, the person that does the its-all-my-fault speech, just happens to be my dad. When he does that, I really feel like hitting him and yelling "Don't be an idiot!!". He's in doomsday mode now. You know, the whole "I'm a bad father, I dunno how to raise you, I've spoilt you and now you turn out into a lazy useless bum who only knows how to use the computer and does nothing else, and one day you're gonna drive me to my grave and when that day comes I'll kill you to put you out of your misery too" That speech. And now you know why I hate listening to it. I mean, what kind of a dad threatens to kill their own children?
It used to make me feel guilty. But even the best weapon becomes useless after you overuse it. I don't feel guilty about it anymore, just irritated. And it gives rise to more contempt on my part.
Oh btw, something amusing. You know that speech? It never changes. Really! I'm not kidding! It's always the same goddamn thing! The only thing that changes is the way he arranges the lines, but content-wise it's identical. I can mouth along to his aimless ramble if I really took the trouble to. But why would I want to? Like I said, it's stupid, pointless, and highly irritating.
Oh, another add-on. He believes that my computer is the root of all evil. Like I would still talk to him even when I don't have a computer. Why would I want to talk to a father which only has one thing in common with me, that is, he's my dad? That's it, that's all I have in connection in him. We also both very stubborn people, although he's more hotheaded than I am. Thank goodness I can hold my temper better than most.
Eh...I forgot what I was doing. Got distracted. Bah...
]
No I don't feel like crying. I just feel cold again. Yeah, it's that feeling. If you've been reading the earlier posts you would know what I mean.
Do guys PMS? Or have menopause or something? Are guys supposed to have violent moodswings like girls? And when I say violent I not only mean "big change", I also mean it as in thing-smashing-cum-bad-temper state of emotion. You know, big and nasty, lots of shouting and arm-waving and threatening, that violent.
Maybe it's midlife crisis. Or too much pent-up frustration. Yeah its probably my fault--again--and guess what? I don't give a fucking damn. Yeah, it's my fault, so? What do you want me to do? Get down on my knees while crying and begging for forgiveness? No thanks. Not like it would make thigns better if I did that anyway. Why should I subject myself to unnecessary humiliation? Fuck I hate this.
Hmm I just realised I've been reduced to swearing. Oh wonderful. Am I truly so limited? Yeah probably. Oh well.
And something I really hate. Guilt complex. You know, where said person goes into oh-its-all-my-fault-blame-me-blame-me mode. Guess who's doing that? Yeah I know I do it too, but at least I don't inflict my grouses onto others, well except here. But this doesn't count does it?
You know, the person that does the its-all-my-fault speech, just happens to be my dad. When he does that, I really feel like hitting him and yelling "Don't be an idiot!!". He's in doomsday mode now. You know, the whole "I'm a bad father, I dunno how to raise you, I've spoilt you and now you turn out into a lazy useless bum who only knows how to use the computer and does nothing else, and one day you're gonna drive me to my grave and when that day comes I'll kill you to put you out of your misery too" That speech. And now you know why I hate listening to it. I mean, what kind of a dad threatens to kill their own children?
It used to make me feel guilty. But even the best weapon becomes useless after you overuse it. I don't feel guilty about it anymore, just irritated. And it gives rise to more contempt on my part.
Oh btw, something amusing. You know that speech? It never changes. Really! I'm not kidding! It's always the same goddamn thing! The only thing that changes is the way he arranges the lines, but content-wise it's identical. I can mouth along to his aimless ramble if I really took the trouble to. But why would I want to? Like I said, it's stupid, pointless, and highly irritating.
Oh, another add-on. He believes that my computer is the root of all evil. Like I would still talk to him even when I don't have a computer. Why would I want to talk to a father which only has one thing in common with me, that is, he's my dad? That's it, that's all I have in connection in him. We also both very stubborn people, although he's more hotheaded than I am. Thank goodness I can hold my temper better than most.
Eh...I forgot what I was doing. Got distracted. Bah...
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