Aeternus, Eternus

Is it so hard to feel?

I really really wonder.

I'm not happy now. Nor sad. I'm not angry. I'm also not calm...well depends on your point-of-view.

I don't even feel remotely guilty, which might worry some people.

I'm empty.

That's how it feels. Like there's a hole in your soul that can't be taken away.

Having skipped Chinese just now and was just caught by my teacher, who told me that he was disappointed with me and what-not, I felt at first some shame at being caught...

...then nothing.

Seriously. It's like a disease. The wall around my heart just came up with a snap of my fingers. Just that easily.

I'm used to not feeling. It's easier than being in despair. Despairing is painful. Crying is worse. Angry is just plain exhausting. Being happy is exhausting too, when you think about it.

Apathy is a nice shield sometimes. It cuts you off from all of those troublesome emotions and lets you take a long view of things.

In my case, I use apathy to prevent myself and others from hurting me. It's a simple device.

I stopped feeling guilty about other people a long time ago. The sole exception is my father. He's the only one that makes me feel guilty. Well, sort of. Most of the time I just feel exasperated. It's becoming a habit.

Well. Now. What. Was. I. Going. To. Say.

Evil short-term memory. It adds a whole new dimension to my life.

I found out I might be hypochondriac, which basically means I keep thinking that I have some sort of illness somewhere. Kind of like the giraffe from Madagascar, as Grace so kindly pointed out.

Am I overdramatising? Probably. I overdramatise a lot. This is MY blog after all.

Pain wakes us up. It helps me to feel again. I love to watch them bleed. Don't you?

I think I'm gonna die. If I don't die of some disease, I might just go kill myself.

After all, they don't need me anymore than I need them.

If I do contemplate suicide though, I refuse to jump off a building. Why? Because everyone else does it. It's so terribly unoriginal.

I won't drown myself, cos I know how to swim.

I already tried overdosing on pills. Somehow I survived that encounter, so I'll skip it the next time.

Slit my wrists? Interesting notion. Unoriginal, definitely, but I do like blood after all.

Give myself a concussion? I could do that. I'm already practicising banging my head against a wall at home. I just have to bang harder...

Or alternatively, I could hang myself. Nah. I'm too tall anyway. Plus, the corpse after the whole ordeal looks hideous. Same with drowning. Absolutely macabre...not that I dislike that.

I could poison myself. The house is full of toxic agents when you come right down to it.

I'm fond of hypothermic death though. Only problem: how to find a place cold enough to stay in long enough until you die? The library? (lol) Dad's freezer truck? Hmm...

I'm just kidding of course. Really. Don't you believe me? Wait, if I don't even believe in myself, how can I believe in others? And how can others believe in me? Always a pain in the neck.

We see the best and brightest fall, and we do not care.

I see my past, present and future dying, and I do not care.

They see me seemingly carefree and happy; they do not know what lies beneath. I do not care.

I see myself fading, and I don't even try anymore.

The sun is setting, casting a brilliant orange glow to the vistas. It is beautiful. I don't give a damn.

The skies are weeping. Heaven sends its blessings down to the wounded earth. And I stand alone in that land. Who cares anymore?

It is cold. I cry out like one hopelessly damned.

No one hears me.

Like I care.