Sunday, February 26, 2006
Back from my pissy self.
Listening to Namida 3000. Strangely, it always makes me feel poignant.
What can I say? It's a strange little world, being me.
Read some H/M fics. It was good. I still have to go through hamena.org to finish reading all those fics.
Yulia, Elise, Kassandra, Selene and Lukia. I love them all.
Poor Matt. Poor Miranda. Pity the Black Hawks.
Tommy, who never grew up. Lia will take care of you.
There's Sokov, who has seen so many die before him.
And then there's her. My poor, unnamed angel. Still sleeping. It's almost time for you to wake up.
Although it would have been better if you never did.
David. Please care for my angel. Until Matt comes looking. Please take care of her.
Keith. Little Keith. You and your big brother will be with her too, won't you?
John. Kelly. Fred. Peter. Sandra. Michael. Gabriel. Remember one of your own. Will you save her...or kill her?
Pity to Paul who died.
You let her go before. Now less than half are left. Are you still a team or have you broken apart?
John. Remember how she was beaten? How you came to her aid? She was one of your own. Don't you take care of your own?
But then, how many have died under your command?
That alone, I guess, is punishment enough.
Little Matthew. You lost someone more important to you than life. Now that she's back, will you accept her again? Or kill her for the way she has ruined your life? You can't even look at another woman without remembering her, can you? The way you scream out her name when you're screwing another girl. The utter mortification that happens after that. Pain, love and shame.
My little angel. So different now. Yet the more you change, the more you stay the same. You were never one of them, were you? You can never be part of anything. Not now, not ever. Always different. God made you different. Man made the differences bigger.
You're not even human anymore. You're more and less of one. Different. Yet oh so human in your weakness. You will not remember, simply because you don't want to.
They're still so young. All of them. They're just kids, the Hydras. Just kids. So innocent. Innocent killers, each and every one of them. Stained in blood as they are, yet more innocent than a newborn lamb. Can't you see the spark in their eyes?
We are all like children. Matt, who cannot let go. Mira, who cannot let herself love. Jake, whose loyalty will kill him. Lia, who loves where she cannot. Sokov, who will not let himself love. Selene, who will scream out in hate and agony forever. Lukia, who will forever be separated from the one she loves. Kassandra, who will steep in the guilt she wrought with her own two hands. Elise, who is haunted by her dreams and hunted by her own shadows. Yulia, who is afraid of letting others in.
David, the one you love will never know. Keith, you won't ever live to see the new world. Kevin, your parents never really forgave you, did they?
John, the fearless leader. How many have you sent to their graves? Can you forget them?
Kelly, speed demon. You can't run from yourself forever.
Fred, fighter to the last. Can you fight everyone, including yourself?
Peter, always so quiet. You never forgave yourself for letting go of your brother's hand, did you?
Sandra, quick to anger. Yet you were the first to forgive. Can you still love her after all these years?
Michael, repressed emotions. You hated being second best, didn't you?
Gabriel, voice of reason. Yet you were the one who condemned her first. How can you face her now, after all you have said and done?
Covered in the sins of the past. We cannot run from who we are. My little angel. You saw the stars with Ralf in the end, didn't you? Side by side, under a crimson sky. He taught you to reach for the skies. But you had to leave him behind. Had to. Because he couldn't come. Too weak. Only you were left in the end. Because they were all too weak.
These chains that bind us together. Lover, enemy, friend and foe. The more we struggle, the tighter these chains do bind. Behind the web the master cries.
I cry, for what I've done to all of them. For what I'm going to do to all of them. They don't deserve what they get. They should have had better. But I denied it to them.
Will they hate me? Possibly. No, they will hate me.
Because knowing what I did, I could have saved them. But I didn't.
Time will tell. In the end, time will always tell.
They were right. Watching was the hardest thing to do. So near, yet so far. Could have done something, but never did. Never could.
I watch. Watched them all.
Perhaps one day, I can forgive me. But I can't. Not now. Maybe never. Who knows?
Time will tell in the end.
]
Listening to Namida 3000. Strangely, it always makes me feel poignant.
What can I say? It's a strange little world, being me.
Read some H/M fics. It was good. I still have to go through hamena.org to finish reading all those fics.
Yulia, Elise, Kassandra, Selene and Lukia. I love them all.
Poor Matt. Poor Miranda. Pity the Black Hawks.
Tommy, who never grew up. Lia will take care of you.
There's Sokov, who has seen so many die before him.
And then there's her. My poor, unnamed angel. Still sleeping. It's almost time for you to wake up.
Although it would have been better if you never did.
David. Please care for my angel. Until Matt comes looking. Please take care of her.
Keith. Little Keith. You and your big brother will be with her too, won't you?
John. Kelly. Fred. Peter. Sandra. Michael. Gabriel. Remember one of your own. Will you save her...or kill her?
Pity to Paul who died.
You let her go before. Now less than half are left. Are you still a team or have you broken apart?
John. Remember how she was beaten? How you came to her aid? She was one of your own. Don't you take care of your own?
But then, how many have died under your command?
That alone, I guess, is punishment enough.
Little Matthew. You lost someone more important to you than life. Now that she's back, will you accept her again? Or kill her for the way she has ruined your life? You can't even look at another woman without remembering her, can you? The way you scream out her name when you're screwing another girl. The utter mortification that happens after that. Pain, love and shame.
My little angel. So different now. Yet the more you change, the more you stay the same. You were never one of them, were you? You can never be part of anything. Not now, not ever. Always different. God made you different. Man made the differences bigger.
You're not even human anymore. You're more and less of one. Different. Yet oh so human in your weakness. You will not remember, simply because you don't want to.
They're still so young. All of them. They're just kids, the Hydras. Just kids. So innocent. Innocent killers, each and every one of them. Stained in blood as they are, yet more innocent than a newborn lamb. Can't you see the spark in their eyes?
We are all like children. Matt, who cannot let go. Mira, who cannot let herself love. Jake, whose loyalty will kill him. Lia, who loves where she cannot. Sokov, who will not let himself love. Selene, who will scream out in hate and agony forever. Lukia, who will forever be separated from the one she loves. Kassandra, who will steep in the guilt she wrought with her own two hands. Elise, who is haunted by her dreams and hunted by her own shadows. Yulia, who is afraid of letting others in.
David, the one you love will never know. Keith, you won't ever live to see the new world. Kevin, your parents never really forgave you, did they?
John, the fearless leader. How many have you sent to their graves? Can you forget them?
Kelly, speed demon. You can't run from yourself forever.
Fred, fighter to the last. Can you fight everyone, including yourself?
Peter, always so quiet. You never forgave yourself for letting go of your brother's hand, did you?
Sandra, quick to anger. Yet you were the first to forgive. Can you still love her after all these years?
Michael, repressed emotions. You hated being second best, didn't you?
Gabriel, voice of reason. Yet you were the one who condemned her first. How can you face her now, after all you have said and done?
Covered in the sins of the past. We cannot run from who we are. My little angel. You saw the stars with Ralf in the end, didn't you? Side by side, under a crimson sky. He taught you to reach for the skies. But you had to leave him behind. Had to. Because he couldn't come. Too weak. Only you were left in the end. Because they were all too weak.
These chains that bind us together. Lover, enemy, friend and foe. The more we struggle, the tighter these chains do bind. Behind the web the master cries.
I cry, for what I've done to all of them. For what I'm going to do to all of them. They don't deserve what they get. They should have had better. But I denied it to them.
Will they hate me? Possibly. No, they will hate me.
Because knowing what I did, I could have saved them. But I didn't.
Time will tell. In the end, time will always tell.
They were right. Watching was the hardest thing to do. So near, yet so far. Could have done something, but never did. Never could.
I watch. Watched them all.
Perhaps one day, I can forgive me. But I can't. Not now. Maybe never. Who knows?
Time will tell in the end.
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