Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Evening.
I think agitation is never good for anyone, especially when ill health is peeking over the horizon at the point in time. It just worsens the condition.
Guess that's what happened last night and this morning.
I was on the verge of a sore throat. It became inflamed in the morning and I ended up coughing up chunks of phelgm with red mixed in with it. I would say its blood, but I'm not sure.
Guess what goes round comes round. Getting sick back in 2003 came back to haunt me all right.
I highly doubt that I have tuberculosis. I think more blood is necessary for that. Haha.
Ok enough for the gloom.
I think my computer has a sense of humor. Or at least, the program known as Windows Media Player does.
I was reading Ami/Makoto fics, and at the point where Ami and Makoto were entering a "romantic" phase, the player, which I put on shuffle repeat, chose to play Eyes On Me. Which considering the content of the story at that point, was so very appropriate that I burst out laughing at the apt timing. And I swear that I didn't do a thing to influence the silly thing.
And that's not all. When I was reading a lemony bit, of which couple I forget exactly, the player chose to play Closer by Hyori. The chorus kept going "just move your body closer" at the heated parts. I couldn't help sniggering at the whole coincidence. It was just too amusing.
And who can forget Evanescence's Bring Me To Life when I was typing out my Pretear fic? It was on shuffle repeat too, and I was struggling with the whole presentation until that song came on and just blew me away. Haha.
Mood music helps a lot in story I guess. It's like this other kpop-based fic that I read that had To Zanarkand as bg music. It made me nearly cry. The effect diminishes when the music is off. I guess that says it all.
I wasn't really planning to blog after that excessively long one yesterday, but I couldn't resist. And WMP just did it again. Playing Question by FTTS when I'm feeling like this? Not funny. Not funny at all.
Suddenly I'm reminded by what SHE's 恋人未满 did to me one time. When I was crushing on my sempai. Haiz.
Ok funny bit of info. Leann Rimes' But I Do Love You started playing when I was feeling whimsical earlier. Somehow it says a lot about how I feel. Darn.
Songs are very useful for bringing out deep emotions. I know that I like loud techno music when I'm upset. Or irritated. The loudness just drives out coherent thought and allows my anger to work itself through my system I guess. It also spurs me to want to smash things, which is why I don't listen to Initial D's soundtrack on either of my computers. Damage control you understand. I do it in my room with all the soft toys haha.
For whatever reason, White Destiny fills me with a kind of excitement and anticipation. It's just one of the songs I instinctively enjoy. The energy isn't off-putting even when I'm feeling down. Usually, I avoid fast or happy songs when I'm down, preferring to channel the emotions with sad or poignant songs. White Destiny kinda breaks out from that I guess. It's technically a happy sort of song, or at least its fairly upbeat. But I don't mind listening to it when I'm sad. It's addictive that way.
Although sometimes, you can sense sadness even in upbeat songs. BoA's No. 1 had that effect on me once. It was a stunning experience to say the least. That was when I went to take a closer look at the lyrics, since I never did understand korean, and to my surprise, the lyrics were actually quite sad. After all, it's about a girl who has just lost her love (or been dumped) and is now confessing to the moon. Because the moon will always be there, always be No.1. Haha.
Listening to Anymotion right now. It's the kind of song that makes me tingle in all the right sort of wrong places. Heh. It's Hyori's voice. Kanai was right. The woman gets all the catchy songs, and she has a sexy voice to boot. BoA loses out in that category, no doubt. You can't teach sexiness. Some people just have it, some don't, some pick it up fast, while some never get it at all.
Girls tend to pick up on these little things faster. I think it's a lot to do with the fact that girls, as a whole, like driving men crazy. Or other girls crazy. It's a pride thing. Even though I have never personally participated in the madness, largely because I feel unqualified, it's not like I'm completely unaware of these things. I do know about it, at least in theory. Never really dared to put it into practice though. How can I anyway, when I don't really have anyone in particular I wish to impress. Or more particularly, because I'm absolutely frightened about the whole prospect.
I can just hear Chaos leering like the pervert he is in my mind now. And the smug grin. Don't forget that. Never forget that.
Grace was quite unfortunately right about this again. I do, some part of me, want to be like a normal girl. And I can just see Grace smirking and mouthing out "skirt shopping!" at me right now.
The horror. While I do want to be like a girl, there are some things that I firmly draw the line at. Pink. I never want to wear pink, much less one with flowery designs on it. Plain pink, not too bright, maybe. But not something with flowers, hearts, and butterflies on it. No Grace, don't even think it. Don't say it. You already did once, and I still shudder at the memory.
Something about skirts just put me off. Maybe it's the fact that I feel awfully exposed, not to mention vulnerable, when I put on a skirt. If there's one thing I hate, it's feeling vulnerable in public. Not unless I do it on purpose with an agenda in mind, but that's a story for another day.
I could consider a long skirt, but I just find pants far more comfortable to move around in. And the WMP just struck again. Playing Do The Motion right now? I'm highly amused. Really.
Ok for some reason Do The Motion just conjured up the image of BoA in a white nightgown and lying on a bed. It's in the music video. And this delicious chill just ran up my spine at the thought. Never mind that.
I don't want to go into the ins and outs of my wanting to be more like a girl. You note that I refuse to use the word "feminine". I believe I can be female without going all out feminine. I'll leave "feminine" to the experts. I'll be content with somewhere in between butch and femme. Or half-boy, as Michiru so aptly described Haruka in this fic I read. Heh.
You know, this whole into-yuri thing may or may not be a phase. It's not like I've never been interested in boys. I have...some time before. I can count like 3 boys I had crushes on...well, two of them were sort-of-crushes, meaning that while I felt interested, it wasn't really very intense or anything. Mostly I became aware of the fact that either they weren't right for me, or the guy was a jerk. The other one that I formally consider an actual crush was when I was...11? 12? Somewhere there. Never knew that nerdy goody-two-shoes types fascinated me then. Haha.
And no, I don't remember his name now. And I don't even remember how he looks like. I grew out of it. Kinda.
My first awareness of interest in girls? When I was 13. Hey I was in a girls' school. There weren't any boys around...except those across the road in Chinese High. And since at that point in time I had a low opinion of CHS guys, you couldn't catch me feeling even remotely interested. It didn't help that the ones I saw were mostly the short, nerdy, and pudgy ones. Yes I confess to a weakness for nerds at that time, but the whole package just turned me off.
Interest in girls? It wasn't really overt or anything. There was this one girl who...kept brushing into me when we were walking on the corridors and up the stairs and such. I knew for a fact that no one needed to walk that close to me when there was a lot of space on the other side. I guess I was a little naive at that point. I could be reading too much into it, but then again, who knows?
I find it amusing really. I mean, look at it this way. Here I was, 13 years old in a girls' school. It wasn't that there were no boys around. NJC was next door, HCJC and CHS opposite. I was just entering puberty then. Normally, the hormones would go into overdrive. Strange that I was attracted more to girls? Maybe so. It was more of a non-attraction to guys that got me thinking. It could just be the lack of any eye-catching material that got me utterly bored. And you know what boredom does to me.
My male radar went back on when I transferred to QSS I guess. There was someone I was briefly interested in at first, but then the guy put his foot in his mouth by being a total asshole underneath the nice guy persona. So I wrote him off faster than you can say "Ay!"
Then there was a cute guy on the same bus as me. I still think he's cute, but more eye candy than crush really.
I think that pretty much sums up my QSS guy experience. I wasn't really interested in anybody per se in Queensway. Somehow, it just didn't occur to me. Maybe it wasn't high on my priority list. Although I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel something for some of them AFTER I graduated.
And strange as it seems, they were girls? Chengwei knows who one of them are. Kanai knows about the other one too. But then again, the "other one" was more like a passing thing. Just a moment of "might-have-been" at a single meeting. I knew the seaside does strange things to my romantic psyche.
Just so you know, I don't plan on doing anything about the attraction though. It's not right for me. She's not the right person, and I know it.
Doesn't stop me from thinking she's hot though.
When I got to JC, that's when things got interesting. I completely turned off my guy radar. Well except for one brief moment. I've since dismissed that possibility. I don't interfere with people who are attached. Likewise with people who are probably going to be attached to another person, even if they don't know it. That guy was the same. If he doesn't realise that he and that other girl look so right together, I'll smack him, and her along with it.
Never mind the above outburst.
Well it was at JC that I experienced my first all-out crush. On another girl. Yay for me.
Intense? Sure it was. I mean, I was desperately trying to get a good look at her, without being obvious. I even trailed along behind her once, as discreetly as I could. Chengwei was a useful smokescreen in that particular occasion, although he too had his own eyes on someone else, and I was being a smokescreen for him too. It's funny how things work out that way.
Not to mention all the blushes that I got when she was nearby. And the rush of excitement when I do see her. The exhilaration when she looks at me, or at least in my direction.
Yeah I sound awfully like a lovesick puppy, don't I?
I managed to get over the blushing after a while, but there was still a rush of adrenaline when I see her. It was fun in a way. I'm still not sure why I'm attracted to her, although I have my suspicions. I think I automatically take on the seme role when it comes to other girls. Although I have a sinking suspicion that if things get physical, I would probably end up being on the uke side. Yeah I know, big strong me being reduced to a submissive role...not that difficult to see, when I think about it.
I guess while I fit the visual aspect of seme, I'm much more uke personality wise. That contrast really comes out when......never mind. I don't really want to talk about it.
Right. About my attraction to girls, I still have it now. Duh. In school, while there are generally quite a few hot girls in J2 (I don't do younger people in general, male or female), there's only one that really makes me feel any form of attraction at all. The rest are like eye candy. Not that I really actively stare at girls. In a sense, I'm quite passive on the hormonal side, especially in real life. I notice people sometimes, but most of the time my world is pretty insulated. So nobody has to worry about anything.
And no that person is NOT Grace. I think of her like a surrogate mom. Yeah sorry Grace, does that make you feel old? Haha...mommy!
Outside of school...not that many semi-crushes/attractions. I think I have one outside of school, and that's it. Celebrity crushes don't count, because if it does, then BoA counts big time. And Milla Jovovich. And Jessica Alba. I would put Jennifer Garner, but recently I've been quite disappointed by her, so I kinda cut her off the list.
Yeah I do have male celebrity crushes too. It's not like I don't like guys. Takeshi Kaneshiro comes to mind, as does Takuya Kimura. Yeah I know, who doesn't like them? Haha. And that guy who plays Alec in Dark Angel. Yeah him too. Hehe. I can't think of that much off hand though...
I'm not sure what exactly I'm looking for, in either guys or girls. There's a general idea personality-wise, but physically? I'm not so sure. I do know that if I picked a guy, he would have to be taller. Hey, I have a uke personality, I would like being dominated a bit you know. Not quite THAT way though...
For a girl...shorter than me. Definitely. Which pretty much puts in most of the female population. Haha. Being tall is interesting...and infuriatingly amusing at times.
For guys...I can't think of anything else really. A nice smile. That would be nice. Someone with enough intelligence to keep up with me. That applies to girls too. Preferably doesn't smoke or gamble. Drinking within limits is ok. I think that's it. Oh and of course he would have to survive me and my personality. That's hard right there for you.
Girls...hair. Hair is important. Dunno why, but the first few things I see in a girl are 1) their hair, 2) their legs, 3) their eyes. Not necessarily in that particular order though. I know I spent a lot of time obsessing over BoA's hair and eyes. And I obsessed a lot over my sempai's legs. I could tell if it was her just by looking down, because she had a very common hairstyle and was of average height. And that other girl I'm attracted to? She has great legs too. Haha. I knew I had something for that. Lester rubs off on me sometimes. But then again he's far more interested in accessories the girl carries...haha.
What else? Someone who cares. That's for both genders. Someone who I can trust. That's another cross-gender one.
I think I should stop right there, because I suspect that if I continue any further, I might just reveal the identity of one of my crushes...and that's a really bad thing. A really really bad thing.
All I want for her is to be happy I guess. That's all. That's what the Vday poem meant. Clumsily expressed, but no less apt. And for her to be happy, she doesn't have to know. Never has to know, preferably. It would be wrong for her, simply because while I do feel a bit that way, it's not the real thing...not quite there.
Now I know why Rei has so much trouble with Usagi.
How do I know if it's not the real thing? Simple. If it were the real thing, it would be more intense. Or maybe it has transcended that? To love is to let go. I guess that's what it means. I love her, but not in love with her. Guess that's all I need to say.
I'm far better off loving Rayne, my little angel, with her broken wings and bloodied hands. Even though she's not real, just a literary creation. I'm better off in my twisted relationship with Chaos, him being all seme on me all the time. I'm better off indulging in my maternal instincts for Selene, Luka and company. I'm better off surrendering to my dominant alter ego, who manifests itself in Chaos. I care for my creations, because in the end, when I'm all alone, they're all I have. Always.
Now I've gone and done it. Being all tragic. Huh. What gives? Being victim again? When I said 'uke', I didn't think it would go that far. Hmpf. Says a lot I would think.
I suppose this should be far enough. Two hours of wasted time. I am a hopeless misfit, aren't I? Lazy, unmotivated, lacking direction. CT doesn't know how right she is. But then again, like I say all the time, they can't find anything to say to me that I've already said to myself. I mean, people, can't you come up with an original insult or comment? Brain-starved as usual I guess. Nothing new.
Nothing is ever new.
Quote:
The more we change, the more we stay the same.
]
I think agitation is never good for anyone, especially when ill health is peeking over the horizon at the point in time. It just worsens the condition.
Guess that's what happened last night and this morning.
I was on the verge of a sore throat. It became inflamed in the morning and I ended up coughing up chunks of phelgm with red mixed in with it. I would say its blood, but I'm not sure.
Guess what goes round comes round. Getting sick back in 2003 came back to haunt me all right.
I highly doubt that I have tuberculosis. I think more blood is necessary for that. Haha.
Ok enough for the gloom.
I think my computer has a sense of humor. Or at least, the program known as Windows Media Player does.
I was reading Ami/Makoto fics, and at the point where Ami and Makoto were entering a "romantic" phase, the player, which I put on shuffle repeat, chose to play Eyes On Me. Which considering the content of the story at that point, was so very appropriate that I burst out laughing at the apt timing. And I swear that I didn't do a thing to influence the silly thing.
And that's not all. When I was reading a lemony bit, of which couple I forget exactly, the player chose to play Closer by Hyori. The chorus kept going "just move your body closer" at the heated parts. I couldn't help sniggering at the whole coincidence. It was just too amusing.
And who can forget Evanescence's Bring Me To Life when I was typing out my Pretear fic? It was on shuffle repeat too, and I was struggling with the whole presentation until that song came on and just blew me away. Haha.
Mood music helps a lot in story I guess. It's like this other kpop-based fic that I read that had To Zanarkand as bg music. It made me nearly cry. The effect diminishes when the music is off. I guess that says it all.
I wasn't really planning to blog after that excessively long one yesterday, but I couldn't resist. And WMP just did it again. Playing Question by FTTS when I'm feeling like this? Not funny. Not funny at all.
Suddenly I'm reminded by what SHE's 恋人未满 did to me one time. When I was crushing on my sempai. Haiz.
Ok funny bit of info. Leann Rimes' But I Do Love You started playing when I was feeling whimsical earlier. Somehow it says a lot about how I feel. Darn.
Songs are very useful for bringing out deep emotions. I know that I like loud techno music when I'm upset. Or irritated. The loudness just drives out coherent thought and allows my anger to work itself through my system I guess. It also spurs me to want to smash things, which is why I don't listen to Initial D's soundtrack on either of my computers. Damage control you understand. I do it in my room with all the soft toys haha.
For whatever reason, White Destiny fills me with a kind of excitement and anticipation. It's just one of the songs I instinctively enjoy. The energy isn't off-putting even when I'm feeling down. Usually, I avoid fast or happy songs when I'm down, preferring to channel the emotions with sad or poignant songs. White Destiny kinda breaks out from that I guess. It's technically a happy sort of song, or at least its fairly upbeat. But I don't mind listening to it when I'm sad. It's addictive that way.
Although sometimes, you can sense sadness even in upbeat songs. BoA's No. 1 had that effect on me once. It was a stunning experience to say the least. That was when I went to take a closer look at the lyrics, since I never did understand korean, and to my surprise, the lyrics were actually quite sad. After all, it's about a girl who has just lost her love (or been dumped) and is now confessing to the moon. Because the moon will always be there, always be No.1. Haha.
Listening to Anymotion right now. It's the kind of song that makes me tingle in all the right sort of wrong places. Heh. It's Hyori's voice. Kanai was right. The woman gets all the catchy songs, and she has a sexy voice to boot. BoA loses out in that category, no doubt. You can't teach sexiness. Some people just have it, some don't, some pick it up fast, while some never get it at all.
Girls tend to pick up on these little things faster. I think it's a lot to do with the fact that girls, as a whole, like driving men crazy. Or other girls crazy. It's a pride thing. Even though I have never personally participated in the madness, largely because I feel unqualified, it's not like I'm completely unaware of these things. I do know about it, at least in theory. Never really dared to put it into practice though. How can I anyway, when I don't really have anyone in particular I wish to impress. Or more particularly, because I'm absolutely frightened about the whole prospect.
I can just hear Chaos leering like the pervert he is in my mind now. And the smug grin. Don't forget that. Never forget that.
Grace was quite unfortunately right about this again. I do, some part of me, want to be like a normal girl. And I can just see Grace smirking and mouthing out "skirt shopping!" at me right now.
The horror. While I do want to be like a girl, there are some things that I firmly draw the line at. Pink. I never want to wear pink, much less one with flowery designs on it. Plain pink, not too bright, maybe. But not something with flowers, hearts, and butterflies on it. No Grace, don't even think it. Don't say it. You already did once, and I still shudder at the memory.
Something about skirts just put me off. Maybe it's the fact that I feel awfully exposed, not to mention vulnerable, when I put on a skirt. If there's one thing I hate, it's feeling vulnerable in public. Not unless I do it on purpose with an agenda in mind, but that's a story for another day.
I could consider a long skirt, but I just find pants far more comfortable to move around in. And the WMP just struck again. Playing Do The Motion right now? I'm highly amused. Really.
Ok for some reason Do The Motion just conjured up the image of BoA in a white nightgown and lying on a bed. It's in the music video. And this delicious chill just ran up my spine at the thought. Never mind that.
I don't want to go into the ins and outs of my wanting to be more like a girl. You note that I refuse to use the word "feminine". I believe I can be female without going all out feminine. I'll leave "feminine" to the experts. I'll be content with somewhere in between butch and femme. Or half-boy, as Michiru so aptly described Haruka in this fic I read. Heh.
You know, this whole into-yuri thing may or may not be a phase. It's not like I've never been interested in boys. I have...some time before. I can count like 3 boys I had crushes on...well, two of them were sort-of-crushes, meaning that while I felt interested, it wasn't really very intense or anything. Mostly I became aware of the fact that either they weren't right for me, or the guy was a jerk. The other one that I formally consider an actual crush was when I was...11? 12? Somewhere there. Never knew that nerdy goody-two-shoes types fascinated me then. Haha.
And no, I don't remember his name now. And I don't even remember how he looks like. I grew out of it. Kinda.
My first awareness of interest in girls? When I was 13. Hey I was in a girls' school. There weren't any boys around...except those across the road in Chinese High. And since at that point in time I had a low opinion of CHS guys, you couldn't catch me feeling even remotely interested. It didn't help that the ones I saw were mostly the short, nerdy, and pudgy ones. Yes I confess to a weakness for nerds at that time, but the whole package just turned me off.
Interest in girls? It wasn't really overt or anything. There was this one girl who...kept brushing into me when we were walking on the corridors and up the stairs and such. I knew for a fact that no one needed to walk that close to me when there was a lot of space on the other side. I guess I was a little naive at that point. I could be reading too much into it, but then again, who knows?
I find it amusing really. I mean, look at it this way. Here I was, 13 years old in a girls' school. It wasn't that there were no boys around. NJC was next door, HCJC and CHS opposite. I was just entering puberty then. Normally, the hormones would go into overdrive. Strange that I was attracted more to girls? Maybe so. It was more of a non-attraction to guys that got me thinking. It could just be the lack of any eye-catching material that got me utterly bored. And you know what boredom does to me.
My male radar went back on when I transferred to QSS I guess. There was someone I was briefly interested in at first, but then the guy put his foot in his mouth by being a total asshole underneath the nice guy persona. So I wrote him off faster than you can say "Ay!"
Then there was a cute guy on the same bus as me. I still think he's cute, but more eye candy than crush really.
I think that pretty much sums up my QSS guy experience. I wasn't really interested in anybody per se in Queensway. Somehow, it just didn't occur to me. Maybe it wasn't high on my priority list. Although I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel something for some of them AFTER I graduated.
And strange as it seems, they were girls? Chengwei knows who one of them are. Kanai knows about the other one too. But then again, the "other one" was more like a passing thing. Just a moment of "might-have-been" at a single meeting. I knew the seaside does strange things to my romantic psyche.
Just so you know, I don't plan on doing anything about the attraction though. It's not right for me. She's not the right person, and I know it.
Doesn't stop me from thinking she's hot though.
When I got to JC, that's when things got interesting. I completely turned off my guy radar. Well except for one brief moment. I've since dismissed that possibility. I don't interfere with people who are attached. Likewise with people who are probably going to be attached to another person, even if they don't know it. That guy was the same. If he doesn't realise that he and that other girl look so right together, I'll smack him, and her along with it.
Never mind the above outburst.
Well it was at JC that I experienced my first all-out crush. On another girl. Yay for me.
Intense? Sure it was. I mean, I was desperately trying to get a good look at her, without being obvious. I even trailed along behind her once, as discreetly as I could. Chengwei was a useful smokescreen in that particular occasion, although he too had his own eyes on someone else, and I was being a smokescreen for him too. It's funny how things work out that way.
Not to mention all the blushes that I got when she was nearby. And the rush of excitement when I do see her. The exhilaration when she looks at me, or at least in my direction.
Yeah I sound awfully like a lovesick puppy, don't I?
I managed to get over the blushing after a while, but there was still a rush of adrenaline when I see her. It was fun in a way. I'm still not sure why I'm attracted to her, although I have my suspicions. I think I automatically take on the seme role when it comes to other girls. Although I have a sinking suspicion that if things get physical, I would probably end up being on the uke side. Yeah I know, big strong me being reduced to a submissive role...not that difficult to see, when I think about it.
I guess while I fit the visual aspect of seme, I'm much more uke personality wise. That contrast really comes out when......never mind. I don't really want to talk about it.
Right. About my attraction to girls, I still have it now. Duh. In school, while there are generally quite a few hot girls in J2 (I don't do younger people in general, male or female), there's only one that really makes me feel any form of attraction at all. The rest are like eye candy. Not that I really actively stare at girls. In a sense, I'm quite passive on the hormonal side, especially in real life. I notice people sometimes, but most of the time my world is pretty insulated. So nobody has to worry about anything.
And no that person is NOT Grace. I think of her like a surrogate mom. Yeah sorry Grace, does that make you feel old? Haha...mommy!
Outside of school...not that many semi-crushes/attractions. I think I have one outside of school, and that's it. Celebrity crushes don't count, because if it does, then BoA counts big time. And Milla Jovovich. And Jessica Alba. I would put Jennifer Garner, but recently I've been quite disappointed by her, so I kinda cut her off the list.
Yeah I do have male celebrity crushes too. It's not like I don't like guys. Takeshi Kaneshiro comes to mind, as does Takuya Kimura. Yeah I know, who doesn't like them? Haha. And that guy who plays Alec in Dark Angel. Yeah him too. Hehe. I can't think of that much off hand though...
I'm not sure what exactly I'm looking for, in either guys or girls. There's a general idea personality-wise, but physically? I'm not so sure. I do know that if I picked a guy, he would have to be taller. Hey, I have a uke personality, I would like being dominated a bit you know. Not quite THAT way though...
For a girl...shorter than me. Definitely. Which pretty much puts in most of the female population. Haha. Being tall is interesting...and infuriatingly amusing at times.
For guys...I can't think of anything else really. A nice smile. That would be nice. Someone with enough intelligence to keep up with me. That applies to girls too. Preferably doesn't smoke or gamble. Drinking within limits is ok. I think that's it. Oh and of course he would have to survive me and my personality. That's hard right there for you.
Girls...hair. Hair is important. Dunno why, but the first few things I see in a girl are 1) their hair, 2) their legs, 3) their eyes. Not necessarily in that particular order though. I know I spent a lot of time obsessing over BoA's hair and eyes. And I obsessed a lot over my sempai's legs. I could tell if it was her just by looking down, because she had a very common hairstyle and was of average height. And that other girl I'm attracted to? She has great legs too. Haha. I knew I had something for that. Lester rubs off on me sometimes. But then again he's far more interested in accessories the girl carries...haha.
What else? Someone who cares. That's for both genders. Someone who I can trust. That's another cross-gender one.
I think I should stop right there, because I suspect that if I continue any further, I might just reveal the identity of one of my crushes...and that's a really bad thing. A really really bad thing.
All I want for her is to be happy I guess. That's all. That's what the Vday poem meant. Clumsily expressed, but no less apt. And for her to be happy, she doesn't have to know. Never has to know, preferably. It would be wrong for her, simply because while I do feel a bit that way, it's not the real thing...not quite there.
Now I know why Rei has so much trouble with Usagi.
How do I know if it's not the real thing? Simple. If it were the real thing, it would be more intense. Or maybe it has transcended that? To love is to let go. I guess that's what it means. I love her, but not in love with her. Guess that's all I need to say.
I'm far better off loving Rayne, my little angel, with her broken wings and bloodied hands. Even though she's not real, just a literary creation. I'm better off in my twisted relationship with Chaos, him being all seme on me all the time. I'm better off indulging in my maternal instincts for Selene, Luka and company. I'm better off surrendering to my dominant alter ego, who manifests itself in Chaos. I care for my creations, because in the end, when I'm all alone, they're all I have. Always.
Now I've gone and done it. Being all tragic. Huh. What gives? Being victim again? When I said 'uke', I didn't think it would go that far. Hmpf. Says a lot I would think.
I suppose this should be far enough. Two hours of wasted time. I am a hopeless misfit, aren't I? Lazy, unmotivated, lacking direction. CT doesn't know how right she is. But then again, like I say all the time, they can't find anything to say to me that I've already said to myself. I mean, people, can't you come up with an original insult or comment? Brain-starved as usual I guess. Nothing new.
Nothing is ever new.
Quote:
The more we change, the more we stay the same.
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