Monday, March 06, 2006
Well what can I say?
I have a seriously disturbed psyche?
As for what brought that comment on, do I really need a reason to?
Keh. You are looking at someone who:
1) thinks pain is fun
2) who absolutely ADORES yuri
3) who think yaoi isn't really wrong, just painful (which equates fun now that I think about it, doesn't change the fact that it hurts like a bitch though)
4) who thinks violence is not the answer, but it sure is a great way to let off steam (barring the reparations for damages sustained, which is why I say: invest in soft toys and a good wall)
5) who thinks everyone but me is crazy, but in the end we're all equally screwed
6) has several voices in the head at any one point in time, but has a permanent guest called Chaos who's currently on vacation (see one of the previous posts) (wait, doesn't that nullify the permanent status? hmmm)
7) who thinks that I'm eternally damned and beyond salvation (hey better me than some other poor confused sod...but then again the poor confused sod would probably end up down there anyway...ah what the hell)
8) who would happily sell her soul if only for the chance for some fun (REAL fun, if you get what I mean, not to mention a sense of accomplishment if possible...can't ask too much, but we can hope)
9) who denied eternal happiness and salvation in paradise for the sake of authorial pride (hey can't say I didn't try...it was fun while it lasted, but then I got bored...)
10) who, when bored, does highly irrational things (little things like turning away from God, dumping guys faster than hot potatoes, and generally terrorizing people...among other things. after a while you tend to forget...like the time with that fling...wait never mind about that)
11) who thinks that she is gonna die before she turns 20...and in various horrible ways to boot (what, you mean you've never dreamt about a horribly bloody and violent death for yourself? try it, its great fun---once you get over the blood, guts and puking......oh and not to mention the dismemberment. Definitely the dismemberment. Did you know that your muscles still twitch a little after they get severed? betcha didn't know that. it's not really that bad, trust me. you get used to it)
12) who has blood-filled dreams of sex, death, and generally other violent activities...oh and did I mention it has superb audio-surround sound---THX certified to boot!
Ok before I happily fill up a few more pages of the kind of things that run through my brain on a regular basis...well, some more regular than the others... I guess I should give a quick heads up on what spawned this line of thought.
Well, you could say it started with that little chat I had with my CT. No offense, I think she's a great lady, but some things just can't be said. Whether they're even suitable to be read is a whole another point together, but then again this IS my blog. As long as its not defamatory or seditious or even overly explicit, I think I have the right to publish whatever I want on the public domain, however embarrassing or disgusting. Besides, this being my blog, the consequences are mine to bear, yes?
*cough* Back to the point. What did I want to say? Ah yes, now I remember. Honestly, I'm not even sure if I could just SAY the stuff in my head. Typing them down is one thing, speaking of them aloud is another. I have never claimed to be particularly brave. If I recall correctly, I have labelled myself as a hopeless coward on innumerable occasions. As well an unredeemed heretic. And crazy bitch. But that's a story for another day.
I mean, how exactly does one go about telling a teacher, of all people, that all you wanted to do sometimes was to take a kitchen knife and run down the streets hacking random people.? Hearing their eyes pop. Watching their guts spill out. Seeing the blood spurt everywhere. Not the clothes! Have you any idea how hard it is to get the blood off your clothes? The stain never really comes out you know...like the ones on my hands...
Like I said, I couldn't actually confess to homicidal thoughts to a well-meaning teacher out of the blue. Or lately, granny-cidal. I could strangle the old woman...but I won't, because she's still my grandma, and is a grumpy old lady because of her disability (partly caused by me).
Although if she keeps up her recent spate of bad behaviour, I may be forced to ignore the above factors and start devising a plot to let her accidentally erase her sorry existence off this lovely planet of ours.
You didn't see the above. You did not. Get it?
Honestly though, teenage angst has nothing on me. I'm not really angsty or anything at the moment. I'm just a boiling pot of repressed desires. Lust for blood, as well as that other thing. Whatever. There are a lot of other factors involved. Not that I care to share.
So why did I post something as crazy as this? No, the teacher didn't really have anything to do with it. If there's one thing I've learnt over the years, it's how to tune people out. How to shield my heart and mind from others. Worked like a charm, I tell you. And I think I play the part of well-meaning, but unstable student far too well. Well, the "unstable" part is true, but well-meaning only occurs when the nice little girl somewhere in me decides to come out and play...and that time is most definitely not now.
Hey what can I say? I'm mad like that. Just because I stopped physically running away from problems, doesn't mean I stop running entirely. I think the whole psychosis thing is a great way of releasing tense emotions as well as avoiding reality. Yeah I know that much. Says a lot of my perception under unusual circumstances, eh?
I actually had a great amount of fun writing about the stuff that demonstrated my disturbed psyche. Although compared to the REALLY disturbed, mine is just the tip of the iceberg. You know, that's kinda fun. How far can I stick my arm into the whirlpool before I get sucked in totally myself? Well, there's only one way to find out...
Of course, there has to be an impetus for me to blog so much out. What can I say, I LOVE Yumie, she's cool. Bloody berserker, but fun fun fun! Heinkel's great too. And reading them together always makes me feel blasphemous. After all, this IS Iscariot. The secret "holy" order who kills indiscriminately and has a insane Judas priest with an Irish accent, an Austrian hermaphrodite with killer guns, and a nun-who-wouldn't-hurt-a-fly-with-glasses on but transforms into crazy berserker with glasses off, in their employ, there surely is something wrong.
Excuse the above.
Honestly though, I just needed to have a bit of fun. And my idea of fun is somewhat warped, as anyone with an IQ above 1 can see. Haha.
Nobody can see or hear my dreams. Not sure if they want to.
After all, who wants a feature film where slashy gore abounds, where blood runs like water, where demonic creatures swarm like mosquitoes in summer, where fighting and dying happens on a regular basis, where random people are slaughtered just for the heck of it, where sex is just sex, and not that stupid euphemism known as "making love".
Heck, I think people actually pay to see the above. Think Underworld: Evolution. Lol.
Why bother, I say. I get free tickets in when I sleep, I get the best (and only) seats, the audio quality rocks, the visuals are stunning, and live action movies just aren't the same when you're right in the middle of the action. Literally.
Being sliced to ribbons may not have been my idea of entertainment, but it sure was a refreshing experience.
Yeah, so sue me, I'm morbid. Which of my classmates read this? I know Grace does. Hanis said he found it, and was planning to link it. Oh the joy. If he does that, I would get more visitors. Excellent. Time to inflict my total and complete insanity on the unsuspecting. Ok, maybe some of them suspect. Well, here's the confirmation. Not that I care about their opinion. The people who matter already know. The rest don't really matter one way or another.
Yep, you guys, most of you don't matter. Does that hurt? No, of course not. My opinion never mattered to the rest of the class anyway. And you people know it. So don't bother denying it.
And for once Grace, you are in the group of people who matter. Can't say that I always exclude you now, can you?
Gah, I'm heading down the path labelled as "degrading oneself" again. So not the time.
I guess Hellsing is still my overall top favorite...of sorts. The title of my blog was inspired by it, and the quote was a direct lift too. It's just so damn gothic. And bloody. And it has yuri. And vampires. And hot blondes.
Ok ignore the last bit.
Right. All unredeemed heretics. What would God say? Indeed.
Our Father, who art in heaven
Hallowed be Thy name
Thy will be done...
I was actually murmuring that bit above, rather sardonically actually. And bitterly. You can't forget that.
Yumiko was praying fervently. Mostly for others. No point praying for herself when her soul was damned to hell, like Judas Iscariot, whose name they served under as the killing mercy of God.
Losing one's faith is painful. But for me, the only thing I can do is to quote something from Heinkel. How does it feel like to be Catholic? I don't know. Honestly, I don't. I've never been Catholic in the first place.
Replace Catholic with Christian for my situation and you get the picture.
Damned forever. What Hell? What Heaven?
Heaven and Hell are all on Earth already.
Silently. I laugh and laugh and laugh. I laughed in front of my CT. Well, chuckled really. Bitterly. Ironically. Slightly psychotically, but I doubt she caught that. I hope.
We all can hope.
Telling me to pick up the pieces of my life is a warning that came too late. Like, 5 years late. I'm already in pieces, and a lot of the pieces are missing. I can't pick them up if I can't find them, can I?
No one can help me but myself. Why does nobody in this whole freaking world UNDERSTAND that I know PERFECTLY well what that BLOODY STATEMENT means? They all assume that I don't know, that they need to tell me. Well, I listen out of courtesy, but its not working. Because 3-4 years ago, I've already given up. There's nothing much else to say, is there?
Great, I sound like a bad case of angst. I'm not angsty damnit!
Yep, definitely angsty.
...............Chaos? You're.......back?!
The one and only.
Ugh spare me. You can keep your pretty mouth shut until later. Then we can...talk.
Talk? Is that all you want to do?
Well...among other things. Let's just leave it at that. I really want to beat the living daylights out of you now though...
Challenge accepted. Shutting up now.
Wonderful.
Deeply disturbed hardly covers me. Maybe just bitterly ironic, like I just mentioned to Kanai. We're both birds of the same feather. Maybe I should do a Chengwei and expand my social circle...regardless of whether all the social superficiality would kill me faster than enforced solitude would.
Come to think of it though, death would be a blessing. At least I wouldn't be a contamination to this fair earth any longer...fair...haha...
What a joke that is.
Counselling. Grace claims that I traumatise the counsellors more than they actually help me. Which I sort of agree. I probably don't traumatise them, I just come out feeling and thinking the same.
Well, maybe just a bit more contemptous of mankind in general after all that "tell me about your problems" crap.
Yeah I'm being all cynical and everything. Grace would go "Huimin! Stop being cynical!" if she were here now. God knows she does it to me everytime I get that way.
They think they know me. Well, they don't. They can try reading this blog in an effort to understand me, but I wish them the best of luck. Even though I'm unusually candid and honest here, trying to make sense of everything, as well as separating fact from fiction will be a fascinating task to those nosy bastards.
How much is reality? That's for the discerning reader to figure out huh? It could all be lies. It could all be true. What to believe? That's up to you.
I seek...redemption? Forgiveness? Salvation? Closure?
Or maybe, just a little peace when I sleep. A little peace when I wake. Just a little peace, to stop the screaming in my head. A little peace, to stop the blood on my hands. A little peace, to let the dead to rest.
Broken wings. I stare at my hands so very often. Can't you see all the blood and gore that stains them? I can.
I think I might just snap if my hands really had blood on them one day.
I'm obsessed with my hands whenever someone tries to guilt-trip me. The ultimate guilt-trip for me is to just look at my hands. See the blood. Smell it. Feel it drip, wet and slick. Sticky. Taste the coppery tang on my lips.
Nobody would get it.
Except maybe Kanai. We know each other so well, that in certain respects, it's scary. When she starts talking about something she really feels, suddenly, I can feel it too.
Haunting strains of violin music? Psychotic wails and blood? Yeah, I can feel it too. Not that I want to. My own phantoms are more than enough. But I can't help it. When she says it, I know exactly what she means, and vice versa.
Illusions? A waking nightmare. Wouldn't bet against it.
I feel so cold. Dead on the inside. Burning up everywhere else. How do I get to feel like this? Why?
So the teacher asked. Do you want to know?
I sold my soul. I abandoned myself. Haunted by nightmares. Sometimes I'm not even sure anymore.
There are no absolutes. No anchor in life.
Likewise, no absolution for me. No redemption, for the willingly damned. No salvation, for one who turned away from it.
A graveyard in my eyes. Crouched in a half-kneel. Blood on my hands. On me. Everywhere.
I can't forgive myself. For what I've done. For what I'm going to do.
Redemption comes to those who seek the Lord.
The problem is, He can forgive me, my mom can forgive me, the whole freaking world can agree to forgive me, and I STILL won't forgive myself.
But then again, what is my sin? What do I have to forgive?
For being useless. For being a spineless coward. For giving up. Among other things.
Well, it's easy to say, buck up! Get your spine up! Pull your socks up! Organise your life! Move on!
Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Maybe I enjoy playing victim too much to stop. But then again, I'm not victimising myself. It's not like I'm waving my condition around and yelling "notice me!!" to everyone and their dog. Or maybe I am. This is a public domain after all. Heh.
I enjoy that pain. To be honest, it's comfortable. It's familiar. It's safe, as perverted as that sounds.
I can just hear people thinking: Get out of your comfort zone already!
If anyone has read Grace's blog, you would know how much she hates having someone say that to her. Likewise me. Ignorant fools.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. Heh.
Demon demon demon. I could blame it on them, but I won't. It's all me, all been me. Blame me.
Yep, playing victim. Funny, it doesn't hurt. It's kind of amusing after a while. You see people all moaning about how terrible their lives are, playing victim even more than I am. They sob and accuse and break down.
Me? I just go "yeah it's my fault, blame me" and just let it go. And then grin a lot. I got past the stage of dramatising it. The only time I dramatise it is when I use all the vivid imagery. Keeps my writing ability in practice. Plus, that and the fact that it's so sickeningly beautiful.
Does that constitute as playing the victim? I suppose it does. Am I wallowing in self pity? Depends on how you look at it.
Superficially, I guess I am wallowing in self-pity. I blame myself for everything.
But do you know what's going on inside my head?
I'm laughing. Laughing, godamnit. Ironic laughter. Sneaky laughter. Just laughing.
I don't think it counts as self-pity when you're just acting. Dramatising just for the fun of it.
Yeah. Fun. Just for fun.
I do a lot of crazy things for fun. I think I mentioned that earlier.
Sometimes I wonder what I would do just to avoid boredom. I get bored way too easily.
With boys. With games. With school. With people. With myself, sad as it is to say.
Would you believe me if I said that I would dump a guy in less than three days if he failed to hold my attention? I get bored way too easily. If I ever find someone else, that person has either got to be really interesting, or I really need that person. Which I hope the latter never occurs. Dangerous dependency.
I think my idea of a perfect relationship is for the other person to need me as much as I need him/her. Yeah I'm not that selective. But that simple criteria is actually sometimes too hard to meet. Grace says that it's impossible, since guys never need girls as much as the other way round.
When you get down to it, girls don't NEED guys to base their life upon. We just choose to because we want to, but we're perfectly capable of standing on our own two feet.
And people wonder why my preferences swing occasionally toward the fairer gender instead. Guys don't give me what I need...most of the time. The only one who does...well...is off limits.
I do have a certain sense of ethos you know.
Well not really off-limits in that sense. But I won't go near the guy if I can help it. It's not worth that kind of commitment. Mainly I'm just scared.
As for the girl I want, ALSO off limits, again not for the conventional reason. Bloody hell. I always want the ones I can't have.
I think I'll just stay single the rest of my life, and take affection where I can get it.
No, I won't translate that.
Ok, I should really stop now. Goodness, 3 hours of blogging. Heh.
Amazing huh? Will make for interesting reading at a later date.
Ok I have an appointment with Chaos. I should go now.
Hope everyone had as much fun as I had.
Quote:
Run with me, Sister Heinkel. Having a purpose eases the pain.
Run with me, Wolfe.
--Takagi Yumie
]
I have a seriously disturbed psyche?
As for what brought that comment on, do I really need a reason to?
Keh. You are looking at someone who:
1) thinks pain is fun
2) who absolutely ADORES yuri
3) who think yaoi isn't really wrong, just painful (which equates fun now that I think about it, doesn't change the fact that it hurts like a bitch though)
4) who thinks violence is not the answer, but it sure is a great way to let off steam (barring the reparations for damages sustained, which is why I say: invest in soft toys and a good wall)
5) who thinks everyone but me is crazy, but in the end we're all equally screwed
6) has several voices in the head at any one point in time, but has a permanent guest called Chaos who's currently on vacation (see one of the previous posts) (wait, doesn't that nullify the permanent status? hmmm)
7) who thinks that I'm eternally damned and beyond salvation (hey better me than some other poor confused sod...but then again the poor confused sod would probably end up down there anyway...ah what the hell)
8) who would happily sell her soul if only for the chance for some fun (REAL fun, if you get what I mean, not to mention a sense of accomplishment if possible...can't ask too much, but we can hope)
9) who denied eternal happiness and salvation in paradise for the sake of authorial pride (hey can't say I didn't try...it was fun while it lasted, but then I got bored...)
10) who, when bored, does highly irrational things (little things like turning away from God, dumping guys faster than hot potatoes, and generally terrorizing people...among other things. after a while you tend to forget...like the time with that fling...wait never mind about that)
11) who thinks that she is gonna die before she turns 20...and in various horrible ways to boot (what, you mean you've never dreamt about a horribly bloody and violent death for yourself? try it, its great fun---once you get over the blood, guts and puking......oh and not to mention the dismemberment. Definitely the dismemberment. Did you know that your muscles still twitch a little after they get severed? betcha didn't know that. it's not really that bad, trust me. you get used to it)
12) who has blood-filled dreams of sex, death, and generally other violent activities...oh and did I mention it has superb audio-surround sound---THX certified to boot!
Ok before I happily fill up a few more pages of the kind of things that run through my brain on a regular basis...well, some more regular than the others... I guess I should give a quick heads up on what spawned this line of thought.
Well, you could say it started with that little chat I had with my CT. No offense, I think she's a great lady, but some things just can't be said. Whether they're even suitable to be read is a whole another point together, but then again this IS my blog. As long as its not defamatory or seditious or even overly explicit, I think I have the right to publish whatever I want on the public domain, however embarrassing or disgusting. Besides, this being my blog, the consequences are mine to bear, yes?
*cough* Back to the point. What did I want to say? Ah yes, now I remember. Honestly, I'm not even sure if I could just SAY the stuff in my head. Typing them down is one thing, speaking of them aloud is another. I have never claimed to be particularly brave. If I recall correctly, I have labelled myself as a hopeless coward on innumerable occasions. As well an unredeemed heretic. And crazy bitch. But that's a story for another day.
I mean, how exactly does one go about telling a teacher, of all people, that all you wanted to do sometimes was to take a kitchen knife and run down the streets hacking random people.? Hearing their eyes pop. Watching their guts spill out. Seeing the blood spurt everywhere. Not the clothes! Have you any idea how hard it is to get the blood off your clothes? The stain never really comes out you know...like the ones on my hands...
Like I said, I couldn't actually confess to homicidal thoughts to a well-meaning teacher out of the blue. Or lately, granny-cidal. I could strangle the old woman...but I won't, because she's still my grandma, and is a grumpy old lady because of her disability (partly caused by me).
Although if she keeps up her recent spate of bad behaviour, I may be forced to ignore the above factors and start devising a plot to let her accidentally erase her sorry existence off this lovely planet of ours.
You didn't see the above. You did not. Get it?
Honestly though, teenage angst has nothing on me. I'm not really angsty or anything at the moment. I'm just a boiling pot of repressed desires. Lust for blood, as well as that other thing. Whatever. There are a lot of other factors involved. Not that I care to share.
So why did I post something as crazy as this? No, the teacher didn't really have anything to do with it. If there's one thing I've learnt over the years, it's how to tune people out. How to shield my heart and mind from others. Worked like a charm, I tell you. And I think I play the part of well-meaning, but unstable student far too well. Well, the "unstable" part is true, but well-meaning only occurs when the nice little girl somewhere in me decides to come out and play...and that time is most definitely not now.
Hey what can I say? I'm mad like that. Just because I stopped physically running away from problems, doesn't mean I stop running entirely. I think the whole psychosis thing is a great way of releasing tense emotions as well as avoiding reality. Yeah I know that much. Says a lot of my perception under unusual circumstances, eh?
I actually had a great amount of fun writing about the stuff that demonstrated my disturbed psyche. Although compared to the REALLY disturbed, mine is just the tip of the iceberg. You know, that's kinda fun. How far can I stick my arm into the whirlpool before I get sucked in totally myself? Well, there's only one way to find out...
Of course, there has to be an impetus for me to blog so much out. What can I say, I LOVE Yumie, she's cool. Bloody berserker, but fun fun fun! Heinkel's great too. And reading them together always makes me feel blasphemous. After all, this IS Iscariot. The secret "holy" order who kills indiscriminately and has a insane Judas priest with an Irish accent, an Austrian hermaphrodite with killer guns, and a nun-who-wouldn't-hurt-a-fly-with-glasses on but transforms into crazy berserker with glasses off, in their employ, there surely is something wrong.
Excuse the above.
Honestly though, I just needed to have a bit of fun. And my idea of fun is somewhat warped, as anyone with an IQ above 1 can see. Haha.
Nobody can see or hear my dreams. Not sure if they want to.
After all, who wants a feature film where slashy gore abounds, where blood runs like water, where demonic creatures swarm like mosquitoes in summer, where fighting and dying happens on a regular basis, where random people are slaughtered just for the heck of it, where sex is just sex, and not that stupid euphemism known as "making love".
Heck, I think people actually pay to see the above. Think Underworld: Evolution. Lol.
Why bother, I say. I get free tickets in when I sleep, I get the best (and only) seats, the audio quality rocks, the visuals are stunning, and live action movies just aren't the same when you're right in the middle of the action. Literally.
Being sliced to ribbons may not have been my idea of entertainment, but it sure was a refreshing experience.
Yeah, so sue me, I'm morbid. Which of my classmates read this? I know Grace does. Hanis said he found it, and was planning to link it. Oh the joy. If he does that, I would get more visitors. Excellent. Time to inflict my total and complete insanity on the unsuspecting. Ok, maybe some of them suspect. Well, here's the confirmation. Not that I care about their opinion. The people who matter already know. The rest don't really matter one way or another.
Yep, you guys, most of you don't matter. Does that hurt? No, of course not. My opinion never mattered to the rest of the class anyway. And you people know it. So don't bother denying it.
And for once Grace, you are in the group of people who matter. Can't say that I always exclude you now, can you?
Gah, I'm heading down the path labelled as "degrading oneself" again. So not the time.
I guess Hellsing is still my overall top favorite...of sorts. The title of my blog was inspired by it, and the quote was a direct lift too. It's just so damn gothic. And bloody. And it has yuri. And vampires. And hot blondes.
Ok ignore the last bit.
Right. All unredeemed heretics. What would God say? Indeed.
Our Father, who art in heaven
Hallowed be Thy name
Thy will be done...
I was actually murmuring that bit above, rather sardonically actually. And bitterly. You can't forget that.
Yumiko was praying fervently. Mostly for others. No point praying for herself when her soul was damned to hell, like Judas Iscariot, whose name they served under as the killing mercy of God.
Losing one's faith is painful. But for me, the only thing I can do is to quote something from Heinkel. How does it feel like to be Catholic? I don't know. Honestly, I don't. I've never been Catholic in the first place.
Replace Catholic with Christian for my situation and you get the picture.
Damned forever. What Hell? What Heaven?
Heaven and Hell are all on Earth already.
Silently. I laugh and laugh and laugh. I laughed in front of my CT. Well, chuckled really. Bitterly. Ironically. Slightly psychotically, but I doubt she caught that. I hope.
We all can hope.
Telling me to pick up the pieces of my life is a warning that came too late. Like, 5 years late. I'm already in pieces, and a lot of the pieces are missing. I can't pick them up if I can't find them, can I?
No one can help me but myself. Why does nobody in this whole freaking world UNDERSTAND that I know PERFECTLY well what that BLOODY STATEMENT means? They all assume that I don't know, that they need to tell me. Well, I listen out of courtesy, but its not working. Because 3-4 years ago, I've already given up. There's nothing much else to say, is there?
Great, I sound like a bad case of angst. I'm not angsty damnit!
Yep, definitely angsty.
...............Chaos? You're.......back?!
The one and only.
Ugh spare me. You can keep your pretty mouth shut until later. Then we can...talk.
Talk? Is that all you want to do?
Well...among other things. Let's just leave it at that. I really want to beat the living daylights out of you now though...
Challenge accepted. Shutting up now.
Wonderful.
Deeply disturbed hardly covers me. Maybe just bitterly ironic, like I just mentioned to Kanai. We're both birds of the same feather. Maybe I should do a Chengwei and expand my social circle...regardless of whether all the social superficiality would kill me faster than enforced solitude would.
Come to think of it though, death would be a blessing. At least I wouldn't be a contamination to this fair earth any longer...fair...haha...
What a joke that is.
Counselling. Grace claims that I traumatise the counsellors more than they actually help me. Which I sort of agree. I probably don't traumatise them, I just come out feeling and thinking the same.
Well, maybe just a bit more contemptous of mankind in general after all that "tell me about your problems" crap.
Yeah I'm being all cynical and everything. Grace would go "Huimin! Stop being cynical!" if she were here now. God knows she does it to me everytime I get that way.
They think they know me. Well, they don't. They can try reading this blog in an effort to understand me, but I wish them the best of luck. Even though I'm unusually candid and honest here, trying to make sense of everything, as well as separating fact from fiction will be a fascinating task to those nosy bastards.
How much is reality? That's for the discerning reader to figure out huh? It could all be lies. It could all be true. What to believe? That's up to you.
I seek...redemption? Forgiveness? Salvation? Closure?
Or maybe, just a little peace when I sleep. A little peace when I wake. Just a little peace, to stop the screaming in my head. A little peace, to stop the blood on my hands. A little peace, to let the dead to rest.
Broken wings. I stare at my hands so very often. Can't you see all the blood and gore that stains them? I can.
I think I might just snap if my hands really had blood on them one day.
I'm obsessed with my hands whenever someone tries to guilt-trip me. The ultimate guilt-trip for me is to just look at my hands. See the blood. Smell it. Feel it drip, wet and slick. Sticky. Taste the coppery tang on my lips.
Nobody would get it.
Except maybe Kanai. We know each other so well, that in certain respects, it's scary. When she starts talking about something she really feels, suddenly, I can feel it too.
Haunting strains of violin music? Psychotic wails and blood? Yeah, I can feel it too. Not that I want to. My own phantoms are more than enough. But I can't help it. When she says it, I know exactly what she means, and vice versa.
Illusions? A waking nightmare. Wouldn't bet against it.
I feel so cold. Dead on the inside. Burning up everywhere else. How do I get to feel like this? Why?
So the teacher asked. Do you want to know?
I sold my soul. I abandoned myself. Haunted by nightmares. Sometimes I'm not even sure anymore.
There are no absolutes. No anchor in life.
Likewise, no absolution for me. No redemption, for the willingly damned. No salvation, for one who turned away from it.
A graveyard in my eyes. Crouched in a half-kneel. Blood on my hands. On me. Everywhere.
I can't forgive myself. For what I've done. For what I'm going to do.
Redemption comes to those who seek the Lord.
The problem is, He can forgive me, my mom can forgive me, the whole freaking world can agree to forgive me, and I STILL won't forgive myself.
But then again, what is my sin? What do I have to forgive?
For being useless. For being a spineless coward. For giving up. Among other things.
Well, it's easy to say, buck up! Get your spine up! Pull your socks up! Organise your life! Move on!
Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Maybe I enjoy playing victim too much to stop. But then again, I'm not victimising myself. It's not like I'm waving my condition around and yelling "notice me!!" to everyone and their dog. Or maybe I am. This is a public domain after all. Heh.
I enjoy that pain. To be honest, it's comfortable. It's familiar. It's safe, as perverted as that sounds.
I can just hear people thinking: Get out of your comfort zone already!
If anyone has read Grace's blog, you would know how much she hates having someone say that to her. Likewise me. Ignorant fools.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. Heh.
Demon demon demon. I could blame it on them, but I won't. It's all me, all been me. Blame me.
Yep, playing victim. Funny, it doesn't hurt. It's kind of amusing after a while. You see people all moaning about how terrible their lives are, playing victim even more than I am. They sob and accuse and break down.
Me? I just go "yeah it's my fault, blame me" and just let it go. And then grin a lot. I got past the stage of dramatising it. The only time I dramatise it is when I use all the vivid imagery. Keeps my writing ability in practice. Plus, that and the fact that it's so sickeningly beautiful.
Does that constitute as playing the victim? I suppose it does. Am I wallowing in self pity? Depends on how you look at it.
Superficially, I guess I am wallowing in self-pity. I blame myself for everything.
But do you know what's going on inside my head?
I'm laughing. Laughing, godamnit. Ironic laughter. Sneaky laughter. Just laughing.
I don't think it counts as self-pity when you're just acting. Dramatising just for the fun of it.
Yeah. Fun. Just for fun.
I do a lot of crazy things for fun. I think I mentioned that earlier.
Sometimes I wonder what I would do just to avoid boredom. I get bored way too easily.
With boys. With games. With school. With people. With myself, sad as it is to say.
Would you believe me if I said that I would dump a guy in less than three days if he failed to hold my attention? I get bored way too easily. If I ever find someone else, that person has either got to be really interesting, or I really need that person. Which I hope the latter never occurs. Dangerous dependency.
I think my idea of a perfect relationship is for the other person to need me as much as I need him/her. Yeah I'm not that selective. But that simple criteria is actually sometimes too hard to meet. Grace says that it's impossible, since guys never need girls as much as the other way round.
When you get down to it, girls don't NEED guys to base their life upon. We just choose to because we want to, but we're perfectly capable of standing on our own two feet.
And people wonder why my preferences swing occasionally toward the fairer gender instead. Guys don't give me what I need...most of the time. The only one who does...well...is off limits.
I do have a certain sense of ethos you know.
Well not really off-limits in that sense. But I won't go near the guy if I can help it. It's not worth that kind of commitment. Mainly I'm just scared.
As for the girl I want, ALSO off limits, again not for the conventional reason. Bloody hell. I always want the ones I can't have.
I think I'll just stay single the rest of my life, and take affection where I can get it.
No, I won't translate that.
Ok, I should really stop now. Goodness, 3 hours of blogging. Heh.
Amazing huh? Will make for interesting reading at a later date.
Ok I have an appointment with Chaos. I should go now.
Hope everyone had as much fun as I had.
Quote:
Run with me, Sister Heinkel. Having a purpose eases the pain.
Run with me, Wolfe.
--Takagi Yumie
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