Thursday, September 07, 2006
Such a gloomy look on my previous post.
Then again, I am completely unsurprised. Such things happen frequently. Or actually, less frequently of late.
Been devoid of some excellent angsting time for quite a while now. Not that I actually miss it, mind. I'm not THAT much of a sado-machioist, thank you.
Just one of those days where I just want to brood a bit I suppose. Wonder what brought it on?
*mentally traces events of the day*
......
Oh. That.
Well, what can I say, I'm whipped. Maybe it's more than that? I want to ask a question really.
If I decide never to come back here, home, what would happen?
How much would they miss me? It makes me almost wonder what people would say of me at my funeral. I am after all, on many levels, a very difficult person to completely forget. And I do not say this purely out of narcissistic self-promotion.
On the superficial, physical side, my height is a factor to that impression. I am unusually tall for an Asian girl, taller than most of the guys around me. Due to the unfortunate circumstances of my height, I ended up feeling strangely awkward around both boys AND girls, since guys are either always either making fun of my height, or whining about it. Or both. As for girls, some of them view me with an almost amused eye, while others randomly glomp me and/or use me as a measuring ruler to see if they want their future boyfriends to be around my height. The "randomly glomp" part has thankfully subsided since coming to JC, but that might have something to do with my habitual disappearing acts into either the library or some other isolated spot whenever break time occurs. Oh, and my less than welcoming countenance might also have contributed to that effect as well. Still though, my height does tend to make an instant impression. Unfortunately or not. Sigh.
On another level, regarding the academic side, I am widely acknowledged to be a genius. Or at least, someone with an above average intelligence. That automatically puts me on the teachers' radar after I make my intelligence known during lessons (usually with my contributions). Sometimes I wish I knew better than to open my mouth. If I just remained quiet and pretended to be stupid, maybe things would have been less annoying. But then again, idiocy annoys me even more, and after watching the vast majority doing their best to emulate a mute during discussions, my patience has its limits. I know I'm not being very diplomatic, but sometimes it just irks me.
Of course, there is the thing about my chronic irresponsibility. That, unfortunately, also puts me onto the teachers' radar. So even if I don't get their attention the first way, I get their attention via this route too. As of now, I have garnered the attention of my superiors (why did I put it in italics? heh) from both of the abovementioned ways.
Not to mention, of course, that I am rather unusual in both thought and action. Possibly because I adore being unconventional so much that I come across as rather...odd, at times. And then, sometimes, I fluctuate more than a readout of erratic cardiac movements. I can be absolutely weird, or absolutely fluffy and normal. Of course, I'm fluffy over unusual things as well. Eh. Right.
Still, I leave impressions on my teachers. Some pleasant, some less so. Going back to QSS on Teachers' Day really brought home that fact for me. My teachers are inordinately proud of me (which makes me feel guilty, and rightly so), and even though Ms Soon ribs me on how I used to ditch my A Math homework (oddly, I got an A1 for E Maths though lol), I can still sense that she is proud of me as a student. Sometimes I don't think I deserve it, but it seems somehow right that she would remember me for my writing ability and my ambition to become a writer (I dunno how to say this, but somehow she almost reminds me of a proud mother showing off her child when she referred of my forays into serious writing to another teacher who has never taught me).
Maybe, someday, I can bring back a book I wrote and published back to school and hand it personally to her. And thank her for everything she's done for me.
In many ways, even though I disdained QSS as a school, I have met many nice people there. The teachers, the students, and I think even though on some level my academic development suffered, I think I grew up more as a person. I still have a very long way to go though, that's for sure.
As for my current school, I am grateful towards some of the teachers there. But the people...? Some are worth the trouble. Some are not. I wonder why I've never warmed up as much to them somehow? Or maybe its because I cling too much to my old friends? It would make sense, actually. After all, when I went to QSS, I had nothing. Literally, nothing. No friends, none that I retained from either NYGH, or from my primary school. Maybe it left a void that was more easily filled.
And coming to a new environment...I don't know. Maybe QSS was different in that people actually tried to make friends with me. In a way, maybe my JC experience taught me that I should not expect the same. If I wanted friends, I would have to reach out for them.
But then again? There are too many differences between me and them. I can associate with them, chat on a purely superficial level. But friends? I don't really think so. While I believe its possible for people who are different to be friends, I'm just sick of trying to find common topics though. People like Qianling and Wanjing, when we meet up, we can just laze around and say nothing. With others, not saying anything seems somehow odd. Lol.
I must say right off at the outset that honestly speaking, I am very different from Qianling, Wanjing, and even Erika (in some ways). Yet we are good friends. I am friends with Kanai and Chengwei because of how similar I am to them, and in Kanai's case, to the point that I want to adopt her as my little sister. Haha. I'm comfortable with my little circle, and maybe I really need to break out of my comfort zone to reach out to others, but if I don't have to, I really won't. Ah well. I can talk to people, make them feel at ease, yet can never feel really at ease myself.
Ok, I will stop here. Will post something else later.
Feeling strangely off. Just wanna keep walking.
Anyway, I'm off. Ja.
]
Then again, I am completely unsurprised. Such things happen frequently. Or actually, less frequently of late.
Been devoid of some excellent angsting time for quite a while now. Not that I actually miss it, mind. I'm not THAT much of a sado-machioist, thank you.
Just one of those days where I just want to brood a bit I suppose. Wonder what brought it on?
*mentally traces events of the day*
......
Oh. That.
Well, what can I say, I'm whipped. Maybe it's more than that? I want to ask a question really.
If I decide never to come back here, home, what would happen?
How much would they miss me? It makes me almost wonder what people would say of me at my funeral. I am after all, on many levels, a very difficult person to completely forget. And I do not say this purely out of narcissistic self-promotion.
On the superficial, physical side, my height is a factor to that impression. I am unusually tall for an Asian girl, taller than most of the guys around me. Due to the unfortunate circumstances of my height, I ended up feeling strangely awkward around both boys AND girls, since guys are either always either making fun of my height, or whining about it. Or both. As for girls, some of them view me with an almost amused eye, while others randomly glomp me and/or use me as a measuring ruler to see if they want their future boyfriends to be around my height. The "randomly glomp" part has thankfully subsided since coming to JC, but that might have something to do with my habitual disappearing acts into either the library or some other isolated spot whenever break time occurs. Oh, and my less than welcoming countenance might also have contributed to that effect as well. Still though, my height does tend to make an instant impression. Unfortunately or not. Sigh.
On another level, regarding the academic side, I am widely acknowledged to be a genius. Or at least, someone with an above average intelligence. That automatically puts me on the teachers' radar after I make my intelligence known during lessons (usually with my contributions). Sometimes I wish I knew better than to open my mouth. If I just remained quiet and pretended to be stupid, maybe things would have been less annoying. But then again, idiocy annoys me even more, and after watching the vast majority doing their best to emulate a mute during discussions, my patience has its limits. I know I'm not being very diplomatic, but sometimes it just irks me.
Of course, there is the thing about my chronic irresponsibility. That, unfortunately, also puts me onto the teachers' radar. So even if I don't get their attention the first way, I get their attention via this route too. As of now, I have garnered the attention of my superiors (why did I put it in italics? heh) from both of the abovementioned ways.
Not to mention, of course, that I am rather unusual in both thought and action. Possibly because I adore being unconventional so much that I come across as rather...odd, at times. And then, sometimes, I fluctuate more than a readout of erratic cardiac movements. I can be absolutely weird, or absolutely fluffy and normal. Of course, I'm fluffy over unusual things as well. Eh. Right.
Still, I leave impressions on my teachers. Some pleasant, some less so. Going back to QSS on Teachers' Day really brought home that fact for me. My teachers are inordinately proud of me (which makes me feel guilty, and rightly so), and even though Ms Soon ribs me on how I used to ditch my A Math homework (oddly, I got an A1 for E Maths though lol), I can still sense that she is proud of me as a student. Sometimes I don't think I deserve it, but it seems somehow right that she would remember me for my writing ability and my ambition to become a writer (I dunno how to say this, but somehow she almost reminds me of a proud mother showing off her child when she referred of my forays into serious writing to another teacher who has never taught me).
Maybe, someday, I can bring back a book I wrote and published back to school and hand it personally to her. And thank her for everything she's done for me.
In many ways, even though I disdained QSS as a school, I have met many nice people there. The teachers, the students, and I think even though on some level my academic development suffered, I think I grew up more as a person. I still have a very long way to go though, that's for sure.
As for my current school, I am grateful towards some of the teachers there. But the people...? Some are worth the trouble. Some are not. I wonder why I've never warmed up as much to them somehow? Or maybe its because I cling too much to my old friends? It would make sense, actually. After all, when I went to QSS, I had nothing. Literally, nothing. No friends, none that I retained from either NYGH, or from my primary school. Maybe it left a void that was more easily filled.
And coming to a new environment...I don't know. Maybe QSS was different in that people actually tried to make friends with me. In a way, maybe my JC experience taught me that I should not expect the same. If I wanted friends, I would have to reach out for them.
But then again? There are too many differences between me and them. I can associate with them, chat on a purely superficial level. But friends? I don't really think so. While I believe its possible for people who are different to be friends, I'm just sick of trying to find common topics though. People like Qianling and Wanjing, when we meet up, we can just laze around and say nothing. With others, not saying anything seems somehow odd. Lol.
I must say right off at the outset that honestly speaking, I am very different from Qianling, Wanjing, and even Erika (in some ways). Yet we are good friends. I am friends with Kanai and Chengwei because of how similar I am to them, and in Kanai's case, to the point that I want to adopt her as my little sister. Haha. I'm comfortable with my little circle, and maybe I really need to break out of my comfort zone to reach out to others, but if I don't have to, I really won't. Ah well. I can talk to people, make them feel at ease, yet can never feel really at ease myself.
Ok, I will stop here. Will post something else later.
Feeling strangely off. Just wanna keep walking.
Anyway, I'm off. Ja.
Comments:
Post a Comment
